My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Victor Wembanyama. Standing at 224 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Usain Bolt. An athlete. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: an athlete, with starting blocks, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Usain Bolt has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses personal records with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget? Astronomical. The owner said "let's go" and signed the check without even looking at the number. We're deep into the luxury tax, every dollar over the threshold costs triple, and the accountant has nightmares every single night. But when you've got two superstars, a fifteen-man roster where the weakest link would start elsewhere, and a coaching staff paid in gold, you don't give a damn about the bill. It's championship or bust, and they've chosen their side.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
96-108 (L)
Victor Wembanyama posts up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this dude putting the league on notice!
Victor Wembanyama, this colossus, can't finish off the pick and roll! That one stings!
Michelle Obama dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This hooper's hooper Victor Wembanyama fouls reaching in! Shaky emotions under pressure on defense!
Michelle Obama launches the leather with purpose! An off-balance shot! This all-time great means business!
Break. Victor Wembanyama asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to rush written all over his face!
LeBron James pulls up but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
This next-level player Victor Wembanyama adjusts the angle mid-drive! Pure God-given talent body control!
LeBron James, this towering presence, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Despite the loss, Jesus Christ held their own with the game! The messiah fought!
Jesus Christ replays the score in his head on a loop. Usain Bolt tries to think about something else. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
116-108 (W)
Tip-off! LeBron James gets us started! Let's go!
A buzzer-beater from Michelle Obama! This basketball god reminding everyone why they're on top!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
Usain Bolt hits the trailer! Connecting plays with the starting blocks accuracy!
LeBron James dishes with purpose every possession! This once-in-a-lifetime player chess master!
Break. Victor Wembanyama collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Rumor has it Victor Wembanyama tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Victor Wembanyama catches fire! And it's a fadeaway jumper! Silky smooth technique taking over!
Camera pans to Usain Bolt's athlete colleagues in the stands! Athlete solidarity!
Usain Bolt celebrates the team's success! This global icon knows together is better!
This absolute legend LeBron James with a performance for the ages! A live masterclass chapter!
LeBron James daps up the opponent! Respect from this global icon after the battle!
Victor Wembanyama and Michelle Obama slap each other's butts. Jesus Christ declines the invitation. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
126-98 (W)
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James comes out aggressive! Opens with a double-clutch layup at the top of the key!
This first-ballot legend Michelle Obama does it again! A scoop layup with effortless precision!
Victor Wembanyama a commanding rebound with authority! This oversized freak protecting the paint!
Michelle Obama takes off and dishes! Gorgeous feed along the baseline! A killer instinct!
Victor Wembanyama, this league veteran, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime. Michelle Obama throws her towel on the floor walking in. Little scoop: Michelle Obama tried to bribe the DJ to play her song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Michelle Obama, this once-in-a-lifetime player, drops a free throw from the right corner! Pure artistry!
The arena trembles! Victor Wembanyama with the play and a hostile crowd follows!
Usain Bolt executes the play call! Flawless execution from this athlete!
Usain Bolt carries the weight of the starting blocks and the pill with equal grace!
Usain Bolt, this oversized freak, acknowledges the fans! An electric crowd! A team high-five!
Jesus Christ and Victor Wembanyama share a 30-second hug. Michelle Obama wants in. Gets pushed away. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
103-99 (W)
Usain Bolt opens with a buzzer beater! This generational talent making an early statement!
Michelle Obama pressures the inbound! This once-in-a-lifetime player with relentless pure God-given talent!
Victor Wembanyama misfires driving to the hoop! Even this guy with a proven track record has off nights!
This absolute legend Usain Bolt with a vintage catch-and-shoot triple! The old magic is still there!
Jesus Christ sets the screen with precision worthy of their bare hands! Tactical genius!
End of the second quarter. LeBron James is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Quick anecdote about LeBron James: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
LeBron James, this beanpole, comes up big! A scoop layup in right from the tip-off! Legend!
Victor Wembanyama times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A commanding rebound on the low block!
Victor Wembanyama in a boiling cauldron! This well-respected player has been waiting for this stage!
Michelle Obama, this swiss-army-knife type, with the crunch-time takeover! Unreal swagger taking over!
Victor Wembanyama, this colossus, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Jesus Christ grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Usain Bolt applauds. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
92-114 (L)
Usain Bolt locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an athlete who means business!
Michelle Obama misfires on the floater! Too much float, the lawyer touch abandoned them!
This franchise cornerstone Michelle Obama dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This household name Jesus Christ picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to rush showing!
Jesus Christ scores a fadeaway jumper in a crowd fully behind them! Their bare hands vibes radiating across the arena!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Usain Bolt asks for an ice pack. Rumor has it Usain Bolt has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Victor Wembanyama storms to the bench! This well-respected player is visibly upset!
Victor Wembanyama fires an and-one from mid-range but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
LeBron James sets the screen at the perfect angle! This global icon cerebral play!
Jesus Christ bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a messiah after their bare hands overtime!
This all-time great LeBron James tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Victor Wembanyama sits on the floor in the hallway. Michelle Obama sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
106-98 (W)
Michelle Obama, this certified GOAT candidate, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jesus Christ scores in transition! Fast as a messiah grabbing their bare hands!
Usain Bolt forces the turnover! Pressuring like shatterring the personal records under deadline!
Victor Wembanyama with the alley-oop pass! This tower throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Usain Bolt directs traffic on the gymnasium! Traffic control by an athlete with the personal records!
Break time. Jesus Christ bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Locker room intel: Jesus Christ has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Michelle Obama hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a lawyer lifting their heavy case law!
An incredible energy fills the arena! This living legend LeBron James feeds off the energy!
Jesus Christ feeds the hot hand! Feeding the offense with messiah generosity!
Victor Wembanyama pulls up into the record books! This name that's buzzing making memories!
Usain Bolt with the game ball! Earned it the hard way, athlete style!
Victor Wembanyama makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. LeBron James makes a bigger heart. Jesus Christ makes a massive heart. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
101-115 (L)
Michelle Obama drives into position! This household name not wasting any time!
Jesus Christ attacks and fires but misses everything! Occasional mental lapses tonight!
Victor Wembanyama blows past the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this solid pro!
This living legend LeBron James caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
A euro-step from Victor Wembanyama! This guy with a proven track record just keeps delivering!
Halftime! Victor Wembanyama looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know? Victor Wembanyama tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This all-time great Usain Bolt throws an elbow in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Michelle Obama fires a brick in transition! Way off, even for a lawyer!
Michelle Obama controls the glass! Board work as precise as a day job with their heavy case law!
This absolute legend LeBron James has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Michelle Obama consoles teammates! The heart of a lawyer in that moment!
Usain Bolt slams his fist on the bench. Jesus Christ places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
102-105 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James means business! Fast start from mid-range!
LeBron James with an incredible and-one from way beyond the arc! Standing ovation!
Usain Bolt gets blown by! Even an athlete couldn't stop that!
Victor Wembanyama with the contested finger roll from mid-range! No good! Bad selection!
Victor Wembanyama, this giant, energizes the crowd! A standing ovation! Comeback vibes!
The locker room fills up. LeBron James has already eaten three oranges. Confession: LeBron James calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
LeBron James fades away and bricks it! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the final quarter!
Victor Wembanyama, this next-level player, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to rush in tough moments!
Michelle Obama treats every possession like dismantling the prosecution's claim, with care and precision!
Michelle Obama misses both free throws! A lawyer failing the prosecution's claim inspection, twice!
Michelle Obama goes to work to the tunnel in disappointment. This guy with rings on every finger will learn from this.
Usain Bolt bites his lip, fists clenched. Michelle Obama shakes her head slowly, in disbelief. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
112-95 (W)
Michelle Obama, this once-in-a-lifetime player, embraces the boiling cauldron! Game on!
Jesus Christ cuts and scores! Sharp as their bare hands, this messiah!
Michelle Obama with the weak-side block! Appearing from nowhere like a lawyer finding the prosecution's claim!
Victor Wembanyama, this beanpole, finds the rolling big man! A bank shot off the assist!
Usain Bolt, this titan, exploits the mismatch from the right corner! Smart play!
Halftime whistle! Usain Bolt slides down against the hallway wall. Juicy anecdote: Usain Bolt was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
LeBron James, this oversized freak, overpowers for a floater! Size matters!
Victor Wembanyama crosses over and the noise is deafening! A standing ovation! Wow!
This hall-of-fame lock Usain Bolt motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
LeBron James is writing the story tonight! This undisputed superstar with a floater in transition!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, high-fives the bench! A raised fist! Team effort!
Jesus Christ does the robot at center court while Usain Bolt pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. Behind the scenes, I learned Usain Bolt was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
94-115 (L)
Jesus Christ bounces the pill pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
A hook shot from Victor Wembanyama hits the iron! Shaky emotions under pressure under the spotlight!
Jesus Christ throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ gives up the offensive rebound! Hot head when boxing out!
LeBron James attacks at the buzzer and finishes with a bank shot! Too good!
Halftime! Victor Wembanyama is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote: Victor Wembanyama tried to impress the Denver Horse-Track players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
LeBron James slams the orange in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Usain Bolt misses at with seconds left on the clock! An athlete dropping the personal records at the worst time!
Usain Bolt overloads one side! Loading up with athlete strategy!
Victor Wembanyama dunks a step slower than usual! Heavy feet in the tank!
Usain Bolt absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, an athlete knows tough days!
Victor Wembanyama refuses Denver Horse-Track's handshake. Jesus Christ offers a limp one with just his fingertips. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
94-96 (L)
Michelle Obama announces themselves! The lawyer has arrived and the building knows it!
Jesus Christ banks a scoop layup off the glass! Geometry learned from the messiah life!
This global icon LeBron James bites on the fake! Beaten along the baseline!
Air ball from Jesus Christ! Being a messiah doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Victor Wembanyama, this titan, refuses to die! A bank shot keeps the dream alive!
Players head to the locker room. Michelle Obama has tape on three fingers. Quick anecdote about Michelle Obama: apparently she eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jesus Christ fouls at the worst time! A messiah tripping over the game!
Usain Bolt shakes their head! An athlete who can't believe that just happened!
This basketball god LeBron James flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
LeBron James rises up but can't score in the final quarter! Opportunity lost!
LeBron James, this household name, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Michelle Obama pulls her cap down over her eyes. LeBron James doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Evening confession: I'm wearing Michelle Obama's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
94-108 (L)
Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
LeBron James with a wild attempt! This absolute legend not finding the range tonight!
Intercepted! Usain Bolt's pass snatched right out of the air! An athlete would never be that careless!
LeBron James reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
LeBron James, this beanpole, rises above and hammers a finger roll!
Halftime. The doctor examines Jesus Christ's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote: Jesus Christ fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
LeBron James lets fly the towel! This first-ballot legend showing sometimes predictable game!
This generational talent LeBron James short-arms a hook shot off the pick and roll! Not enough lift!
Michelle Obama uses a triangle offense brilliantly! Strategy from dismantling the prosecution's claim!
LeBron James bends over during the dead ball! This basketball god gathering what's left!
Victor Wembanyama walks off in silence. This name that's buzzing gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Victor Wembanyama punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Jesus Christ slides down the wall to the floor. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
95-119 (L)
And we're underway! Jesus Christ touches the basketball first! This once-in-a-lifetime player looks eager!
Michelle Obama, this tweener, gets the look but can't convert at the buzzer!
Victor Wembanyama, this colossus, gets stripped from the right corner! Heavy feet exposed!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, can't keep up with the speed! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
This potential GOAT LeBron James finishes with authority! A step-back three in the paint!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Jesus Christ to massage his thighs. Locker room anecdote: Jesus Christ talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This potential GOAT LeBron James stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Victor Wembanyama can't buy a bucket! Another miss from downtown! Frustrating!
Usain Bolt, this absolute legend, manages the clock beautifully in the final quarter!
Usain Bolt misses from fatigue! Tired arms from shatterring the personal records all week!
Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!
Michelle Obama rips off her headband and throws it on the ground. Jesus Christ picks up his own and folds it carefully. Behind the scenes, I learned Jesus Christ was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-120 (L)
Michelle Obama starts in the franchise player! Playing the franchise player the way a lawyer plays with their heavy case law!
LeBron James air-mails a catch-and-shoot triple along the baseline! Way off for this generational talent!
Usain Bolt throws it away! A pass worse than an athlete tossing the personal records!
This basketball god LeBron James can't recover! Scored on from downtown! Hot head!
Jesus Christ with a step-back three in the paint! Competing the game in tight spaces!
Halftime whistle. Victor Wembanyama has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Did you know Victor Wembanyama entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Michelle Obama slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a lawyer hits the workbench!
Usain Bolt, this absolute unit, gets stuffed trying a floater! Denied!
Jesus Christ runs the offense! Running it like a messiah runs the show!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Lack of consistency taking its toll!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Usain Bolt shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to force bad shots proved costly.
LeBron James takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Jesus Christ follows the same path. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
89-118 (L)
Jesus Christ fires up the crowd to open the game! This basketball god starting strong!
Michelle Obama bobbles and misses! Fumbling the leather like it's a Monday morning!
Usain Bolt with the backcourt violation! This household name under too much pressure!
Michelle Obama scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
This solid pro Victor Wembanyama converts from way beyond the arc! A half-court heave right on cue!
Halftime. LeBron James's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little scoop: LeBron James collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Jesus Christ drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a messiah's spirit has limits!
LeBron James clanks another one off the rim! This hall-of-fame lock needs to find rhythm!
Jesus Christ exploits the soft spot in the key! Soft as the game under their bare hands!
Michelle Obama, this versatile guy, looks exhausted at the buzzer! The legs are gone!
LeBron James, this big fella, hangs the head. Tough loss despite freakish explosiveness effort.
Jesus Christ whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Michelle Obama nods without conviction. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
My Team finishes #12 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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