The Speds — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Houston Blast-Off | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | The Speds | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... The Speds! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Julius Caesar! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Abraham Lincoln. The man. Is. A farmer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A farmer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got seed dibber and apparently, the technical motion of a farmer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-124 (L)
Jesus Christ, this generational talent, embraces the crowd fully behind them! Game on!
Abraham Lincoln can't hit from the left wing! That zone is cursed for this farmer!
Jesus Christ with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Napoleon gives up the easy bucket! Easier than rallying the war front!
Abraham Lincoln, this generational talent, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
The players file out. Napoleon exchanges a tense look with the coach. Fun fact: Napoleon blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jesus Christ forces a bad tear drop! This generational talent needs to trust teammates!
George S. Patton jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for defending the frontline tomorrow!
Napoleon with the errant pass! This hall-of-fame lock needs to settle down!
This household name Napoleon hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the top of the key!
Julius Caesar tips the cap to the winners! The military personnel's grace with the frontline!
Jesus Christ presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Julius Caesar walks right past without noticing. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
107-84 (W)
Abraham Lincoln, this global icon, draws first blood! A floater to start!
Napoleon crosses over to the rack for a hook shot! Can't contain this undersized dog!
Jesus Christ walls up in the perimeter! Immovable as their bare hands bolted down!
Abraham Lincoln orchestrates the play! Conducting the offense like a veteran farmer!
Jesus Christ reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this messiah!
End of the first half. Julius Caesar is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: Julius Caesar slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, elevates for a monster euro-step!
The crowd chants Napoleon's name! Immense pressure for the military leader with the battle standard!
Napoleon makes the extra pass! Extra effort, the military leader way!
George S. Patton drives through pain, through doubt! This all-time great transcending!
Julius Caesar puts a bow on it! Clean finish, just like a military personnel wrapping up the job!
Julius Caesar hugs the mascot. George S. Patton hugs the referee. Awkward. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
117-107 (W)
Jesus Christ blows past with energy from the opening whistle! This household name locked in!
Jesus Christ turns the top of the key into a workshop. A deep three crafted with their bare hands!
Napoleon slides to the passing lane and steals it! Insane court vision!
Abraham Lincoln, this tweener, drops the dime! Ridiculous creativity passing on display!
Julius Caesar uses that military personnel IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
The players disappear. Jesus Christ has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: Jesus Christ tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Julius Caesar knocks down a scoop layup facing the rim! Ice in the veins!
Chants of 'military personnel! Military personnel!' fill the gymnasium for Julius Caesar!
This basketball god Napoleon motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
The story of Napoleon: a military leader by morning, a baller by night. The war front would be proud!
Abraham Lincoln shakes hands! The handshake of a farmer who respects the stubborn soil!
George S. Patton hugs the mascot. Napoleon hugs the referee. Awkward. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
99-94 (W)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This generational talent George S. Patton with a cold-blooded bank shot! No conscience!
Jesus Christ swats it away! A perfect contest with that messiah strength!
This undisputed superstar George S. Patton finds the open man! Assist and a sky hook!
This generational talent George S. Patton attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
That's a wrap for now. Jesus Christ dives into the tunnel. Did you know Jesus Christ entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Jesus Christ scores the go-ahead! A messiah who always finishes the job on time!
Camera pans to Napoleon's military leader colleagues in the stands! Military leader solidarity!
Jesus Christ runs the play to perfection! Perfection of competing the game!
Napoleon plays with the grit of someone who rallies the war front daily!
Jesus Christ is named player of the game! The messiah is also the star!
Jesus Christ hugs the mascot. Julius Caesar hugs the referee. Awkward. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
87-112 (L)
Jesus Christ starts in the shooting guard! Playing the shooting guard the way a messiah plays with their bare hands!
Napoleon sends it wide! The battle standard wouldn't forgive that either!
George S. Patton turns it over in the right wing! Butterfingers from this military personnel!
Julius Caesar gets blown by! Even a military personnel couldn't stop that!
Abraham Lincoln fades away with the precision of a farmer at work. And it's a floater!
First half is done. Napoleon is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little scoop: Napoleon tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Napoleon stares in disbelief! The look of a military leader who just lost everything!
Jesus Christ misses the bunny! A messiah dropping the game from point-blank!
Jesus Christ baits the defender! Got them hook, line, and sinker!
Napoleon tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a military leader's energy for the war front!
George S. Patton packs up and heads out! Packing their service rifle, unpacking emotions!
Abraham Lincoln kicks his towel across the floor. George S. Patton has already left for the locker room, alone. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
101-94 (W)
Napoleon gets the starting nod! A military leader starting with the battle standard confidence!
What a play by Julius Caesar! A scoop layup under the basket! This basketball god is cooking!
Abraham Lincoln, this swiss-army-knife type, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by eyes in the back of the head!
Julius Caesar with the behind-the-back pass! Flashier than their service rifle at work!
Julius Caesar, this hall-of-fame lock, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Unreal swagger!
Back to the locker room. Julius Caesar's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Confession: Julius Caesar calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Napoleon blows past the Spalding into an alley-oop! Insane court vision shining through!
This potential GOAT Napoleon gets the crowd into it! A standing ovation at fever pitch!
Julius Caesar cheers the loudest! Happy as a military personnel clocking out on a Friday!
Two worlds collide: the war front and the damn ball, united by Napoleon!
Abraham Lincoln walks off the gymnasium victorious! A farmer who conquered it all tonight!
George S. Patton gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Jesus Christ gives his shoes. Napoleon gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. Tonight I had a revelation: Jesus Christ runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
81-112 (L)
The game begins and Abraham Lincoln is ready! You can see unreal swagger written all over his face!
Julius Caesar, this swiss-army-knife type, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this basketball god!
Napoleon dribbles it off their foot! The battle standard would never betray a military leader like that!
Abraham Lincoln gets screened out of the play! This once-in-a-lifetime player lost in traffic!
Napoleon buries their face! Hidden from view, the military leader can't watch!
Off to the locker room. Napoleon has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Napoleon once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
George S. Patton misfires on the floater! Too much float, the military personnel touch abandoned them!
This living legend Napoleon stumbles! The fatigue is real after the 4 periods of 12 minutes!
This generational talent Julius Caesar dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Napoleon vents at their teammates! The military leader who vents about the war front!
Abraham Lincoln hangs their head! A farmer who gave everything they had!
Julius Caesar stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Napoleon comes back to get him. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
97-98 (L)
And we're underway! George S. Patton touches the Wilson first! This living legend looks eager!
George S. Patton with the step-back half-court heave! Creating space like a military personnel with their service rifle!
Napoleon turns the head and loses the man! This living legend napping defensively!
Julius Caesar gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the military personnel touch can't save that one!
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ hits the big three! The deficit down to single digits!
Halftime. Abraham Lincoln throws his towel on the floor walking in. Physio's confession: Abraham Lincoln purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
George S. Patton misses the game-tying shot! Even a military personnel couldn't save that one!
George S. Patton throws their hands up! Like a military personnel when their service rifle breaks!
Abraham Lincoln's farmer colleagues watch from the stands, the stubborn soil banners held high!
George S. Patton can't hit the open look in crunch time! Their service rifle vision failing!
Abraham Lincoln walks off in defeat! Even a farmer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Abraham Lincoln pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. George S. Patton takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-104 (L)
Tip-off! Jesus Christ gets us started! Let's go!
Air ball from George S. Patton! Being a military personnel doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Napoleon, this lightning-quick little man, gets the ball poked away! Ego the size of Texas when protecting the rock!
Abraham Lincoln reacts too late to rotate! Occasional mental lapses on the help side!
Napoleon converts along the baseline! A catch-and-shoot triple with trademark a gym-rat work ethic!
Halftime. Jesus Christ is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Julius Caesar walks away muttering! Muttering about the frontline under their breath!
George S. Patton rattles it out! Shaking the gymnasium with their service rifle intensity!
Jesus Christ executes an isolation-heavy offense perfectly! Precision learned as a messiah!
Abraham Lincoln attacks a step slower than usual! Tendency to rush in the tank!
Julius Caesar leaves the court with dignity! The dignity of a military personnel with their service rifle!
Abraham Lincoln avoids the cameras like the plague. Napoleon gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Evening confession: I'm wearing Abraham Lincoln's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
108-107 (W)
Abraham Lincoln gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a farmer on day one!
Napoleon anchors the defense! Solid as a military leader's foundation!
Abraham Lincoln bricks it! Not the same accuracy as cultivating the stubborn soil!
Napoleon with the tough free throw through contact! This guy with rings on every finger won't be denied!
Napoleon draws the double team! Attracting attention, the military leader is a magnet out there!
Halftime. Abraham Lincoln's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Abraham Lincoln spins and drills it! After a timeout! Natural-born leadership under pressure!
Jesus Christ with the suffocating defense! This franchise cornerstone is a wall out there!
George S. Patton, this tweener, gets the standing ovation! Immense pressure!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, scores the go-ahead! A pull-up jumper! Heart of a champion!
Napoleon, this all-time great, soaks in the moment! Victory driving to the hoop! A chest bump!
Abraham Lincoln pretends to plant a flag at center court. George S. Patton stands at attention. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
91-106 (L)
The field house welcomes Napoleon! The military leader with the war front has arrived!
Jesus Christ rattles in and out! The game never teases a messiah like that!
Intercepted! Julius Caesar's pass snatched right out of the air! A military personnel would never be that careless!
Napoleon can't stay in front! Rallying the war front doesn't build lateral quickness!
Napoleon finishes with style! Years of rallying the war front built those hands!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Napoleon walks head down toward the tunnel. Locker room intel: Napoleon has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Julius Caesar shakes their head! A military personnel who can't believe that just happened!
Julius Caesar with a rough bank shot off the pick and roll! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Abraham Lincoln, this hall-of-fame lock, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Jesus Christ drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Napoleon walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to military leader life tomorrow!
Abraham Lincoln's eyes are glassy. Julius Caesar mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
85-108 (L)
Game time! Julius Caesar and this once-in-a-lifetime player ready to put on a show at the floor!
Brick! George S. Patton misfires in the paint! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Julius Caesar tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Occasional mental lapses in the decision-making!
Julius Caesar, this tweener, fouls unnecessarily in the paint! Tendency to force bad shots!
George S. Patton pulls up at half court with the same confidence they bring to defending the frontline.
Halftime whistle. Julius Caesar spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Locker room anecdote: Julius Caesar talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Abraham Lincoln storms to the bench! This undisputed superstar is visibly upset!
Jesus Christ can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the orange differently than the game!
This living legend Napoleon uses the floater over this small but mighty player coverage! Smart!
Abraham Lincoln short-arms the shot from fatigue! This all-time great has nothing left!
Abraham Lincoln dunks to the tunnel in disappointment. This global icon will learn from this.
George S. Patton walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Abraham Lincoln drags one foot after the other. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
95-123 (L)
Opening possession for Julius Caesar! First touch, like first touch of their service rifle!
Napoleon fires and misses in transition. Should have stuck with the war front!
Julius Caesar with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost military personnel!
Jesus Christ loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
George S. Patton banks it in from mid-range! A military personnel's steady hand at work!
Break. Napoleon's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Fun fact: Napoleon tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Break's over, the players take their positions.
George S. Patton steps back and kicks the stanchion! This basketball god losing composure!
Abraham Lincoln can't convert the open shot! Cultivating the stubborn soil is way easier!
Jesus Christ goes to the post! That messiah strength is showing!
Jesus Christ gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a messiah begging the game for mercy!
Abraham Lincoln, this tweener, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Julius Caesar bites his lip, fists clenched. Jesus Christ shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
90-134 (L)
Abraham Lincoln bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Napoleon misses! Even a military leader can't fix that shot!
This absolute legend Julius Caesar forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Napoleon gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a military leader's worst day on the job!
Napoleon argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to rallying the war front!
End of the first act. Julius Caesar is puffing like a steam engine heading back. I've been told Julius Caesar always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Julius Caesar spins but it's well off! Limited stamina under fatigue!
Abraham Lincoln mops their face! Sweating more than when cultivating the stubborn soil!
George S. Patton forces the pass! Forcing their service rifle where it doesn't fit!
Julius Caesar waves off the play! The authority of a military personnel in that gesture!
Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!
Jesus Christ's gaze is cold, distant. Napoleon's gaze is hot, angry. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-130 (L)
Julius Caesar stretches center court! Loosening up, the military personnel is getting ready!
Jesus Christ misses the open look! A messiah never misses the game... But misses the rock!
George S. Patton throws it away! A pass worse than a military personnel tossing the frontline!
Napoleon gets posterized! A military leader framed by the battle standard in the worst way!
Abraham Lincoln, this potential GOAT, yells at the coaching staff! Sometimes predictable game causing friction!
The players disappear. Jesus Christ has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Rumor has it Jesus Christ tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Napoleon clanks it off the rim! That sounded like the battle standard hitting the war front!
Jesus Christ gulps water! As thirsty as a messiah reaching for the game!
This franchise cornerstone George S. Patton commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Julius Caesar slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military personnel hits the workbench!
George S. Patton consoles teammates! The heart of a military personnel in that moment!
Abraham Lincoln bites the inside of his cheek. Napoleon pinches the bridge of his nose. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
The Speds finishes #13 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Julius Caesar.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... The Speds!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Julius Caesar! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Abraham Lincoln. The man. Is. A farmer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A farmer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got seed dibber and apparently, the technical motion of a farmer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
The Speds finishes #13 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Julius Caesar.
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