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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Detroit Engine-Roar13226
2Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest13226
3San Antonio Skyscrapers12324
4Cleveland Twin-Towers11422
5Boston Ring-Chasers11422
6New York Over-Timers10520
7Houston Blast-Off9618
8Denver Horse-Track7814
9Toronto Border-Patrol7814
10Phoenix No-Defense6912
11Minnesota Ice-Wall51010
12Los Angeles Nursing-Home4118
13Philadelphia Injury-Report4118
14Miami Heart-Attack3126
15Orlando Magic-Beans3126
16My Team2134

Pre-season

Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Treebeard. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Treebeard. A park ranger in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their field binoculars better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Treebeard has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the wilderness trail and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

86-131 (L)

Aragorn opens with a double-clutch layup! This certified GOAT candidate making an early statement!

Legolas, this solid build, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to rush!

Legolas, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to rush when protecting the Wilson!

Gollum, this solid build, lets the shooter get free at the top of the key! Costly lapse!

This potential breakout star Gollum throws an elbow in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!

Halftime! Gollum walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Rumor has it Gollum talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Brick! Treebeard misfires back to the basket! Lack of consistency at the worst time!

Gollum, this versatile guy, laboring up and down! Shaky emotions under pressure draining the energy!

Stolen from Gandalf! A philosopher of science who let it slip through their fingers!

Treebeard looks to the heavens! A park ranger praying for their field binoculars to work!

Aragorn sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a king after the royal scepter broke!

Aragorn lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Gandalf decides not to comment. Tonight I learned Aragorn used to be a king before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

85-107 (L)

Gollum pulls up into position! This rising star not wasting any time!

Gandalf shoots an air ball in a sold-out gym on fire! A philosopher of science lost in the noise!

Aragorn dribbles it off their foot! The royal scepter would never betray a king like that!

Gandalf overcommits! Going all-in like a philosopher of science on the scientific method, but wrong!

Gandalf drives and delivers a fadeaway jumper! Their thought experiment by day, buckets by night!

Halftime. Treebeard glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: Treebeard once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

Aragorn kicks the air! The frustration of a king who knows they can do better!

Treebeard can't buy a bucket! Maybe the wilderness trail would be easier to aim!

Aragorn communicates the switch! Clear as a king's instructions!

Legolas is running on pure willpower! This rising star refusing to quit!

Gandalf reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.

Gollum collapses into the first available chair. Aragorn stays standing, eyes glazed over. I learned that Gollum's father was a king. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

99-119 (L)

Gollum lands the first deep three! First blood! The fisher strikes first!

This raw talent Legolas misses the mark! A double-clutch layup goes begging from the right corner!

Legolas loses the orange! An archer would never be this careless!

Gollum gives up the back door! Defense that's basically a suggestion when overplaying!

Treebeard nails a tear drop at coming out of the locker room! A park ranger who delivers when it matters!

Heading in. Gollum's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. True story: Gollum walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Orlando Magic-Beans. Awkward. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

This certified bucket Treebeard can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!

This established star Treebeard throws up a prayer at the top of the key! Not answered!

Gandalf traps with the double! Trapping them, the philosopher of science knows how to corner prey!

Gandalf leans on their knees! Gassed, but the philosopher of science keeps going!

Gollum leaves the court quietly! Quiet as a fisher after the silver catch setback!

Legolas collapses into the first available chair. Aragorn stays standing, eyes glazed over. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

102-93 (W)

Treebeard, this elite player, draws first blood! A hook shot to start!

Gollum catches fire! And it's a buzzer beater! Unreal swagger taking over!

Gollum shuts down the lane! Closed for business, like a fisher closing the silver catch!

This hidden prospect Gollum turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!

Treebeard lets fly the ball out of the trap! An off-the-charts basketball IQ under pressure!

Back to the locker room. Gollum's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Little secret: Gollum listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Gandalf with the decisive finger roll! Pure God-given talent when it matters most!

Kids in the stands mimic Aragorn's decreing celebration! Adorable!

Treebeard does the dirty work! Hands dirty like a park ranger at the end of the day!

This hidden prospect Gandalf proves the critics wrong! A play that goes down in history vindication!

Final buzzer! Legolas is the hero! This hidden prospect with a game for the ages!

Treebeard pretends to plant a flag at center court. Gollum stands at attention. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

101-121 (L)

Gollum stretches center court! Loosening up, the fisher is getting ready!

Aragorn misses! Even a king can't fix that shot!

Aragorn turns it over in the center circle! Butterfingers from this king!

Gandalf turns the head and loses the man! This newcomer napping defensively!

Treebeard treats the rock like the wilderness trail and sinks it. Easy as pie for a park ranger!

Halftime! Legolas is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Legolas keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Legolas slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an archer hits the workbench!

Aragorn lets fly the Spalding right into the defender's hands! Ego the size of Texas!

Aragorn plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a king on their best day!

Gollum powers through! The fisher in them won't quit on the silver catch!

Treebeard, this all-around player, trudges off the field house. Lessons to take from this one.

Gollum slams his fist on the bench. Treebeard places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

102-113 (L)

The hardwood welcomes Gollum! The fisher with the silver catch has arrived!

Treebeard with the ugly miss! The park ranger touch is absent tonight!

Treebeard throws it away! A pass worse than a park ranger tossing the wilderness trail!

Aragorn can't stay in front! Decreing the realm's fate doesn't build lateral quickness!

Aragorn, this solid build, elevates for a monster hook shot!

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Gandalf walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know Gandalf started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Gandalf drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a philosopher of science's spirit has limits!

Aragorn heaves and misses! Should have heaved the realm's fate instead!

Treebeard exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their field binoculars acumen!

Aragorn misses the rotation! Too tired, like a king too tired for the realm's fate!

Treebeard walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to park ranger life tomorrow!

Aragorn collapses into the first available chair. Gandalf stays standing, eyes glazed over. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

83-116 (L)

Gollum comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the fisher means business!

Treebeard whiffs on the jumper! A park ranger off their game with their field binoculars!

Treebeard commits the live-ball turnover! Their field binoculars would be ashamed!

Aragorn gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!

Treebeard is visibly upset! Upset as a park ranger when the wilderness trail goes sideways!

Both teams head in. Gandalf has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Exclusive: Gandalf was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Gollum puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their tangled net can save that!

Gollum tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a fisher's energy for the silver catch!

Treebeard with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost park ranger!

Treebeard dunks angrily after the turnover! This certified bucket spiraling!

This surprise package Gollum congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this surprise package.

Treebeard chews his nails on the bench. Legolas stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

112-111 (W)

This rising star Legolas comes out aggressive! Opens with a bank shot along the baseline!

Treebeard with the chase-down iron-wall defense! Running like a park ranger chasing the wilderness trail!

Gandalf clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their thought experiment hitting the scientific method!

Aragorn, this first-ballot legend, exploits the mismatch for a scoop layup! Too easy!

Gollum draws the double team! Attracting attention, the fisher is a magnet out there!

Halftime. The doctor examines Legolas's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little secret: Legolas listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

Aragorn converts at the line in wild stands! Focus of a king with the royal scepter!

Aragorn recovers and blocks! That's the hustle of someone who works for a living!

Treebeard fades away and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!

Legolas delivers at right from the tip-off! An archer who always delivers on time!

Gandalf shakes hands! The handshake of a philosopher of science who respects the scientific method!

Treebeard runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. I learned that Treebeard's father was a king. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

77-122 (L)

Legolas sets the tone early! The archer came to play tonight!

Legolas misfires on the low block! Even this hungry young player has off nights!

Aragorn coughs it up! A king's grip doesn't work on the rock!

Legolas, this all-around player, gets dunked on facing the rim! Poster material!

Aragorn stares in disbelief! The look of a king who just lost everything!

Halftime. The doctor examines Legolas's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Bus driver's confession: Legolas raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

Aragorn, this franchise cornerstone, with the shot-clock heave! No good from the right corner!

Treebeard, this all-around player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!

Aragorn botches the handoff! Even the royal scepter exchanges go smoother!

Aragorn mouths off in the money time! A king venting about the realm's fate!

Gollum wipes a tear! A fisher who poured everything into the effort!

Treebeard claps his hands in frustration. Gandalf clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Evening confession: I'm wearing Treebeard's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

94-107 (L)

Game time! Legolas and this rising star ready to put on a show at the palace of hoops!

Treebeard rushes an and-one in transition! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!

Legolas, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the leather! Mental lapse!

This potential GOAT Aragorn picks up the cheap foul! Occasional mental lapses showing!

Treebeard cuts and scores! Sharp as their field binoculars, this park ranger!

Halftime. Treebeard's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Confession: Treebeard tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Gollum mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!

Aragorn gets a clean look but lack of consistency costs the bucket!

This potential breakout star Gollum uses the floater over this smooth operator coverage! Smart!

Gandalf misses from fatigue! This diamond in the rough can't get the elevation from mid-range!

Gandalf walks off in defeat! Even a philosopher of science's skills couldn't save tonight!

Treebeard has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Gandalf has aged ten years in forty minutes. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

97-118 (L)

Gollum steps onto the floor! From hauling the silver catch to this, game time!

Legolas, this player nobody saw coming, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!

Aragorn turns it over at with seconds left on the clock! A king dropping the royal scepter at the worst time!

Treebeard, this tweener, can't keep up with the speed! Lack of consistency exposed!

A scoop layup! Legolas cannot be stopped tonight! This dude out of nowhere is locked in!

That's a cut. Legolas stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. The staff told me Legolas sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Gandalf buries their face! Hidden from view, the philosopher of science can't watch!

Gollum, this versatile guy, can't get a thunderous slam to drop! Cold as ice tonight!

Gandalf calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's philosopher of science mentality!

Aragorn is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure king stubbornness!

Aragorn packs up and heads out! Packing the royal scepter, unpacking emotions!

Treebeard looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Gandalf looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

88-117 (L)

This hungry young player Gollum gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!

Legolas pulls up the basketball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this rising star!

Treebeard loses possession! The wilderness trail never leaves a park ranger's hands like that!

Gandalf overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!

Legolas with the reverse layup! Creative as an archer with the perfect arrow!

Cut! Halftime. Gollum's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little secret: Gollum listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

This diamond in the rough Gandalf slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!

Gollum misfires from along the baseline! Their tangled net calibration needed!

Gandalf with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic philosopher of science misdirection!

Treebeard slows down visibly! Slower than their field binoculars on low power!

Treebeard blows past to the tunnel in disappointment. This All-Star caliber talent will learn from this.

Gollum whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Treebeard nods without conviction. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

89-123 (L)

Gandalf, this combo guard, is introduced and the arena explodes! This surprise package is in the building!

Legolas misses the open look! An archer never misses the perfect arrow... But misses the Wilson!

Legolas with the careless pass! Releasing the perfect arrow with more care, please!

This total unknown Gandalf misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!

Legolas, this newcomer, refuses to high-five! Hot head hurting the chemistry!

Rest. Aragorn buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Confession: Aragorn calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Legolas rattles in and out! The perfect arrow never teases an archer like that!

Gollum gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from hauling the silver catch and hooping!

Gandalf with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the scientific method!

This surprise package Gollum stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!

Treebeard hangs their head! A park ranger who gave everything they had!

Gandalf walks toward the tunnel without a word. Gollum stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

86-131 (L)

Aragorn takes the court to a standing ovation! The king with the royal scepter is here!

Gandalf crosses over but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!

Treebeard throws it into the stands! What was that from this established star!

Gollum caught flat-footed! Standing still, the fisher reflexes took a nap!

Gandalf dunks the towel! This who-is-this-guy player showing lack of consistency!

Break! Gandalf heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Little scoop: Gandalf tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Gandalf sends it wide! Their thought experiment wouldn't forgive that either!

Gandalf finds a second wind! The philosopher of science engine roars back to life!

Treebeard, this tweener, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!

This newcomer Gandalf gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!

This hungry young player Gandalf shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.

Gandalf pulls his cap down over his eyes. Gollum doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

88-133 (L)

Aragorn, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!

This guy with rings on every finger Aragorn rattles it out! So close yet so far from mid-range!

Aragorn, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Ego the size of Texas in ball-handling!

Aragorn fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a king chasing the realm's fate!

Gollum glares at the pill! Like it personally betrayed this fisher!

Back to the locker room. Legolas's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Small detail: Legolas wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

This hidden prospect Gollum short-arms a finger roll facing the rim! Not enough lift!

Aragorn asks for the ball to slow the pace! This generational talent needs air!

Gandalf throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the philosopher of science got too confident!

Gollum, this all-around player, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!

Aragorn vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the royal scepter reinforced with the realm's fate!

Legolas kicks his towel across the floor. Treebeard has already left for the locker room, alone. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Treebeard.

🏀
#16
Rank
2W-13L
Record
-373
+/-
257
Team Score
2.5M$
Salary
Treebeard
MVP

Season Journal

Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby!

Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Treebeard. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.

I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.

Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Treebeard. A park ranger in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their field binoculars better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Treebeard has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the wilderness trail and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.

Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.

🏆

My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Treebeard.

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