My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Hulk. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Godzilla. An amateur in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Godzilla has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-127 (L)
Tip-off! Godzilla gets us started! Let's go!
Godzilla lets fly the basketball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This multi-time All-Star King Kong forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This unknown gem Justin Jefferson caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
King Kong mutters to himself walking back! This bonafide star fighting inner demons!
Halftime whistle. Hulk has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Fun fact: Hulk is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
This franchise guy King Kong misfires again! Sometimes predictable game could cost the team!
Jesus Christ short-arms the shot from fatigue! This franchise cornerstone has nothing left!
Godzilla coughs up the Wilson! Lack of consistency strikes again in the paint!
Godzilla, this reliable star, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to force bad shots in tough moments!
Hulk takes the loss hard! Hard as the hidden truth on a bad scientist day!
Hulk stares at the floor while King Kong mutters something inaudible under his breath. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-134 (L)
And we're underway! Justin Jefferson touches the pill first! This diamond in the rough looks eager!
Godzilla spins and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, fumbles the entry pass from the left corner!
Hulk gives up the easy bucket! Easier than discoverring the hidden truth!
Hulk storms to the bench! This first-ballot legend is visibly upset!
First half is done. Godzilla is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little scoop: Godzilla collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Hulk fires a devastating dunk in transition but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
This dark horse Justin Jefferson signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This unknown gem Justin Jefferson gets pickpocketed from the left corner! Sloppy handling!
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
King Kong walks off in silence. This elite player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Hulk and King Kong share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Tonight I learned Hulk used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-130 (L)
King Kong, this top-tier talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jesus Christ forces up a bank shot over the defense! Occasional mental lapses! Bad decision!
Godzilla tries to be too fancy and loses the rock! Injury-prone body in the decision-making!
Godzilla, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Injury-prone body in the legs!
This headliner King Kong shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Well-deserved break. Jesus Christ looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know? Jesus Christ launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Justin Jefferson, this all-around player, can't get a layup to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
King Kong fires away but can't sustain the effort! Heavy feet emptying the tank!
Justin Jefferson, this all-around player, steps out of bounds with the damn ball! Mental lapse!
Godzilla can't mask the disappointment! This jersey-selling name wearing it on the sleeve!
Justin Jefferson lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This potential breakout star will learn from this.
Hulk pulls his cap down over his eyes. Justin Jefferson doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-130 (L)
This established star Godzilla opens the scoring! A scoop layup! Early advantage!
King Kong crosses over but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Justin Jefferson charges right into the defender! Turnover! Heavy feet when controlling pace!
This diamond in the rough Justin Jefferson commits the and-one foul! Ego the size of Texas in positioning!
Godzilla slams the pill in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Quick anecdote about Jesus Christ: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
This bonafide star King Kong shanks a thunderous slam in transition! That's uncharacteristic!
Jesus Christ fades away sluggishly! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up with this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Jesus Christ with the backcourt violation! A messiah going backwards with the game!
Godzilla drives away from the huddle! This bonafide star in a dark place mentally!
Godzilla had the chances but couldn't convert. This reliable star left wanting.
Hulk and Godzilla share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
79-123 (L)
Hulk takes the court to an electric crowd! The scientist with their lab notebook is here!
This raw talent Justin Jefferson muscles up a half-court heave but can't get it to fall!
Godzilla throws it into the stands! What was that from this bonafide star!
Jesus Christ gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!
Justin Jefferson picks up the second technical! This rising star ejected! Ego the size of Texas!
Time to breathe. Justin Jefferson has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. The staff told me Justin Jefferson sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
A free throw from Godzilla catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
King Kong is running on pure willpower! This max-contract guy refusing to quit!
King Kong attacks the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this established star!
Hulk tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the scientist will bounce back!
Jesus Christ vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Hulk's lip is trembling. Justin Jefferson dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
84-128 (L)
Hulk steps onto the venue! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
King Kong goes to work the damn ball right into the defender's hands! Tendency to rush!
King Kong, this tweener, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
This first-ballot legend Hulk fouls reaching in! Tendency to force bad shots on defense!
King Kong rises up and kicks the stanchion! This jersey-selling name losing composure!
Halftime whistle. King Kong high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: King Kong got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This global icon Jesus Christ whiffs on a two-handed slam! The crowd groans!
Hulk needs oxygen! More winded than a scientist after overtime!
This top-tier talent Godzilla with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Godzilla gets a technical for complaining! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Godzilla blows past past the media. This certified bucket not in the mood to talk.
Godzilla bites his lip, fists clenched. Jesus Christ shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
84-128 (L)
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A packed arena!
King Kong with a rough finger roll back to the basket! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Justin Jefferson passes to nobody! This who-is-this-guy player with a head-scratching decision!
Godzilla gets burned on the drive! Injury-prone body in lateral movement!
Hulk, this global icon, yells at the coaching staff! Shaky emotions under pressure causing friction!
That's a cut. Hulk stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Little scoop: Hulk logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Godzilla steps back but overcooks it! Heavy feet showing up again!
Jesus Christ is spent! Used up like the game after a messiah's long day!
This max-contract guy King Kong dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
King Kong glares at the scoreboard! This world-class player not happy with the situation!
Justin Jefferson, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite that dawg mentality effort.
Justin Jefferson sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jesus Christ has his head in his hands. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Justin Jefferson's name. Forgive me. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
75-119 (L)
This player nobody saw coming Justin Jefferson comes out aggressive! Opens with a free throw at the top of the key!
Jesus Christ puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
King Kong fires away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Hulk bites on the fake! Fooled like a scientist by counterfeit the hidden truth!
Hulk looks to the heavens! A scientist praying for their lab notebook to work!
Halftime. King Kong wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Anecdote: King Kong slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
King Kong, this solid build, loses the handle and the opportunity! Ego the size of Texas!
Godzilla, this reliable star, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Justin Jefferson, this versatile guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
King Kong, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated from mid-range!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Justin Jefferson's eyes are glassy. Hulk mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-128 (L)
Justin Jefferson, this do-it-all player, takes the court! The immense pressure is electric!
Justin Jefferson misfires back to the basket! Even this potential breakout star has off nights!
Hulk double-dribbles! Discoverring the hidden truth doesn't have that rule!
Hulk beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the hidden truth slipping from a scientist!
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Halftime. Godzilla glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know? Godzilla launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
King Kong, this solid build, can't finish under the basket! That one stings!
Jesus Christ bends over during the dead ball! This guy with rings on every finger gathering what's left!
King Kong attacks into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
This max-contract guy King Kong stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Justin Jefferson sits alone on the bench. This surprise package processing the defeat.
Hulk lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Godzilla decides not to comment. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-132 (L)
This guy everybody knows Godzilla means business! Fast start from the right corner!
That one wasn't even close, Hulk! Stick to discoverring the hidden truth!
Jesus Christ throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Jesus Christ overcommits! Going all-in like a messiah on the game, but wrong!
Hulk throws their hands up! Like a scientist when their lab notebook breaks!
The players head in. Justin Jefferson slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know? Justin Jefferson has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
A euro-step from Jesus Christ goes in and out! Heartbreaking from the right corner!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
King Kong with the errant pass! This top-tier talent needs to settle down!
Godzilla, this tweener, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
Hulk looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a scientist!
King Kong's eyes are glassy. Godzilla mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
88-133 (L)
This basketball god Jesus Christ gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Hulk goes 0 for the quarter! A scientist having a rough shift with their lab notebook!
Hulk gets picked! A scientist getting the hidden truth stolen in broad daylight!
Jesus Christ gets screened out of the play! This global icon lost in traffic!
King Kong, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Halftime! King Kong checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: King Kong tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Justin Jefferson, this hidden prospect, comes up empty! A sky hook off target under the basket!
Justin Jefferson, this solid build, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This max-contract guy Godzilla commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
Hulk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a scientist's spirit has limits!
Godzilla, this reliable star, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Hulk looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Godzilla looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
87-131 (L)
Justin Jefferson, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Pure God-given talent from the jump!
Justin Jefferson clanks another one off the rim! This rising star needs to find rhythm!
Jesus Christ throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the messiah got too confident!
Godzilla lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this All-Star caliber talent fooled!
Hulk stares in disbelief! The look of a scientist who just lost everything!
Heading in. King Kong's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know King Kong plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Hulk sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this scientist!
Jesus Christ bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a messiah after their bare hands overtime!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, gets the ball poked away! Ego the size of Texas when protecting the orange!
Hulk waves off the play! The authority of a scientist in that gesture!
This who-is-this-guy player Justin Jefferson shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Jesus Christ stares at the floor while Justin Jefferson mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-130 (L)
This multi-time All-Star King Kong in the starting lineup! Let's see what this multi-time All-Star brings!
The rim rejects Jesus Christ! The rim says no! Even a messiah gets rejected sometimes!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Ego the size of Texas in ball-handling!
Jesus Christ loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
This headliner King Kong fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
Halftime! Jesus Christ is limping slightly heading off the court. Little scoop: Jesus Christ logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Justin Jefferson, this do-it-all player, gets stuffed trying an and-one! Denied!
King Kong shoots a step slower than usual! Tendency to force bad shots in the tank!
King Kong loses the orange in traffic! This jersey-selling name can't afford that!
This headliner Godzilla slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk leaves the floor with head held high. Fought to the end.
Justin Jefferson taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Jesus Christ walks through the door without pushing it. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
90-134 (L)
Godzilla, this jersey-selling name, draws first blood! A scoop layup to start!
Hulk misses the bunny! A scientist dropping the hidden truth from point-blank!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Godzilla reacts too late to rotate! Ego the size of Texas on the help side!
This generational talent Hulk throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
End of the first act. King Kong is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Fun fact: King Kong got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
King Kong, this solid build, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates in the paint!
Hulk barely gets back on defense! Moving like a scientist on a Friday afternoon!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, gets stripped along the baseline! Heavy feet exposed!
Godzilla pulls up the towel! This headliner showing ego the size of Texas!
This newcomer Justin Jefferson congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this newcomer.
Hulk refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Justin Jefferson watches it and immediately regrets it. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-130 (L)
Hulk checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
An alley-oop by King Kong under the basket is way off! Tough night for this All-Star caliber talent!
Hulk loses the leather! A scientist would never be this careless!
This basketball god Hulk picks up the cheap foul! Lack of consistency showing!
Hulk shakes their head! A scientist who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime whistle! Justin Jefferson slides down against the hallway wall. Bus driver's confession: Justin Jefferson raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Justin Jefferson forces a bad euro-step! This guy nobody was talking about needs to trust teammates!
Justin Jefferson misses from fatigue! This dark horse can't get the elevation from way beyond the arc!
Jesus Christ forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
King Kong, this top-tier talent, refuses to high-five! Lack of consistency hurting the chemistry!
Jesus Christ, this basketball god, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
Justin Jefferson claps his hands in frustration. Jesus Christ clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hulk.
Season journal
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