My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Iron Man. Standing at 6 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Ron Weasley. Profession? Juggler. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-128 (L)
Opening possession for Ron Weasley! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Harry Potter, this versatile guy, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Harry Potter, this combo guard, gets stripped at the top of the key! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Simo Häyhä bites on the fake! Fooled like a farmer by counterfeit the stubborn soil!
Robert Wadlow storms to the bench! This big-name player is visibly upset!
Halftime whistle. Harry Potter flops into the first available chair. Little scoop: Harry Potter collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Simo Häyhä misfires from downtown! Even this elite player has off nights!
Ron Weasley mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Robert Wadlow dribbles into a dead end at the buzzer! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Ron Weasley, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to rush on full display!
Harry Potter, this versatile guy, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
Iron Man pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Ron Weasley takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I learned backstage that Ron Weasley also does juggler on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
81-126 (L)
Simo Häyhä, this All-Star caliber talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Ron Weasley rushes a floater from the right corner! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
Iron Man blows past the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this global icon!
Iron Man loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
Ron Weasley vents at their teammates! The juggler who vents about the game!
The players disappear. Simo Häyhä has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. They say Simo Häyhä eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Simo Häyhä, this tweener, loses the handle and the opportunity! Heavy feet!
Harry Potter takes the rest play! Even a juggler needs a breather!
Iron Man turns it over at the last second! A superhero dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Iron Man, this certified GOAT candidate, yells at the coaching staff! Limited stamina causing friction!
Harry Potter takes off to the tunnel in disappointment. This potential GOAT will learn from this.
Iron Man's complexion is grey. Simo Häyhä's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
86-131 (L)
Game time! Robert Wadlow and this franchise guy ready to put on a show at the temple of basketball!
This reliable star Simo Häyhä shanks a scoop layup from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!
This guy with rings on every finger Iron Man with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Robert Wadlow, this mountain of a man, fouls unnecessarily at the top of the key! Hot head!
Iron Man, this franchise cornerstone, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
Halftime whistle. Robert Wadlow high-fives his teammates on the way out. Word is Robert Wadlow sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Brick! Robert Wadlow misfires in transition! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
Simo Häyhä takes off but the legs won't cooperate! Heavy feet catching up!
Simo Häyhä passes to nobody! This jersey-selling name with a head-scratching decision!
Ron Weasley slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a juggler hits the workbench!
Ron Weasley fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the juggler gave everything!
Harry Potter replays the score in his head on a loop. Iron Man tries to think about something else. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
93-129 (L)
Robert Wadlow gets the starting nod! A circus performer starting with their bare hands confidence!
Iron Man shoots the orange into nothing! Sometimes predictable game on full display tonight!
Ron Weasley penetrates carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This hall-of-fame lock Iron Man picks up the cheap foul! Limited stamina showing!
Ron Weasley buries their face! Hidden from view, the juggler can't watch!
End of the first act. Robert Wadlow is puffing like a steam engine heading back. The staff told me Robert Wadlow sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Robert Wadlow, this reliable star, fumbles the finish from the right corner! Back to the drawing board!
Ron Weasley digs deep! Deep as a juggler digs into the game!
Harry Potter commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Simo Häyhä waves off the play! The authority of a farmer in that gesture!
This bonafide star Robert Wadlow shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Simo Häyhä's gaze is cold, distant. Ron Weasley's gaze is hot, angry. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
74-119 (L)
This absolute legend Harry Potter comes out aggressive! Opens with a step-back three at the buzzer!
Simo Häyhä, this solid build, gets the look off the pick and roll but the lid's on the rim!
Robert Wadlow throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Harry Potter loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
This franchise guy Ron Weasley throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Break. Simo Häyhä collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Confession: Simo Häyhä calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Ron Weasley misfires off the pick and roll! Their bare hands calibration needed!
This max-contract guy Robert Wadlow stumbles! The fatigue is real after the 4 periods of 12 minutes!
Simo Häyhä, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Ego the size of Texas in the footwork!
Robert Wadlow mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
Iron Man walks off in defeat! Even a superhero's skills couldn't save tonight!
Harry Potter stares at the floor while Iron Man mutters something inaudible under his breath. I learned tonight that Harry Potter used to be a juggler. That explains the unique running style. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
88-132 (L)
Simo Häyhä lands the first sky hook! First blood! The farmer strikes first!
Harry Potter, this all-time great, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Stolen from Simo Häyhä! A farmer who let it slip through their fingers!
Ron Weasley beaten to the spot! Slower than a juggler on a Monday morning!
Robert Wadlow tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the circus performer will bounce back!
Both teams head to the locker room. Simo Häyhä wipes his forehead with his jersey. Exclusive: Simo Häyhä was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Iron Man whiffs on the jumper! A superhero off their game with their bare hands!
Harry Potter labors up the court! Trudging like a juggler dragging the game!
Ron Weasley throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the juggler got too confident!
Ron Weasley walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Harry Potter tips the cap to the winners! The juggler's grace with the game!
Ron Weasley hurls his water bottle at the wall. Harry Potter flinches but doesn't react. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-133 (L)
Iron Man comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the superhero means business!
This hall-of-fame lock Harry Potter short-arms a fadeaway jumper under the basket! Not enough lift!
Sloppy handling by Robert Wadlow! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Iron Man beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a superhero!
This all-time great Iron Man shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime whistle. Harry Potter spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Harry Potter fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This first-ballot legend Iron Man with a rare miss under the basket! Even the best stumble!
Harry Potter can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of competing the game!
Harry Potter coughs up the Spalding! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again at the buzzer!
Harry Potter stares in disbelief! The look of a juggler who just lost everything!
Robert Wadlow takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad circus performer day!
Robert Wadlow walks head down toward the tunnel. Harry Potter drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
88-132 (L)
This certified bucket Ron Weasley comes out firing! A euro-step in the first minute!
Iron Man throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Simo Häyhä loses the Spalding! A farmer would never be this careless!
Robert Wadlow, this mountain of a man, can't keep up with the speed! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Simo Häyhä mouths off in the dying seconds! A farmer venting about the stubborn soil!
The players head in. Iron Man slips on the wet tunnel floor. Juicy anecdote: Iron Man was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Simo Häyhä puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even the seed dibber can save that!
Ron Weasley tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a juggler's energy for the game!
Robert Wadlow double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Ron Weasley drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a juggler's spirit has limits!
Ron Weasley sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a juggler after their bare hands broke!
Simo Häyhä walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Ron Weasley drags one foot after the other. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-112 (L)
Simo Häyhä takes off with energy from the opening whistle! This max-contract guy locked in!
Ron Weasley bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
This bonafide star Simo Häyhä with turnover number points! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
This bonafide star Robert Wadlow bites on the fake! Beaten from way beyond the arc!
Robert Wadlow argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Coach calls everyone back. Harry Potter drags his feet toward the tunnel. Staff confession: Harry Potter is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Harry Potter, this certified GOAT candidate, sends the Wilson wide! The touch is off tonight!
Harry Potter grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a juggler finishing the game!
Ron Weasley, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted facing the rim!
Robert Wadlow glares at the scoreboard! This certified bucket not happy with the situation!
This potential GOAT Harry Potter tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Iron Man shakes Harry Potter's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I learned tonight that Iron Man used to be a juggler. That explains the unique running style. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
78-122 (L)
Ron Weasley takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Robert Wadlow can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a circus performer always hits!
This certified bucket Simo Häyhä forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This world-class player Robert Wadlow commits the and-one foul! Heavy feet in positioning!
Simo Häyhä dribbles and kicks the stanchion! This multi-time All-Star losing composure!
Halftime! Ron Weasley walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Locker room anecdote: Ron Weasley talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Ron Weasley, this combo guard, gets the look but can't convert at half court!
This basketball god Iron Man can barely jump! The springs are gone back to the basket!
Harry Potter loses the leather in traffic! This guy with rings on every finger can't afford that!
Ron Weasley pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The juggler in them is showing!
This max-contract guy Robert Wadlow stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this max-contract guy wanted.
Simo Häyhä takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Harry Potter doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Did you know that Harry Potter practices juggler on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
77-121 (L)
Harry Potter locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a juggler who means business!
Harry Potter, this all-time great, with the shot-clock heave! No good driving to the hoop!
Harry Potter dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a juggler like that!
Iron Man gets blown by! Even a superhero couldn't stop that!
Harry Potter, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the right corner!
Break! Ron Weasley takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Confession: Ron Weasley tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Simo Häyhä misfires! The farmer's precision with the stubborn soil is nowhere to be found!
Simo Häyhä is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the farmer is spent!
Iron Man with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Simo Häyhä looks to the heavens! A farmer praying for the seed dibber to work!
Ron Weasley had the chances but couldn't convert. This top-tier talent left wanting.
Simo Häyhä presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Iron Man walks right past without noticing. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
76-118 (L)
Iron Man looks dialed in from the start! Natural-born leadership preparation showing!
Harry Potter clanks another one off the rim! This all-time great needs to find rhythm!
Iron Man with the errant pass! This hall-of-fame lock needs to settle down!
Ron Weasley watches helplessly! A juggler watching the game fall off the shelf!
Iron Man drives the towel! This first-ballot legend showing heavy feet!
End of the second quarter. Iron Man is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Confession: Iron Man tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Ron Weasley can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
This first-ballot legend Harry Potter has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Simo Häyhä dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the farmer's finest moment!
Simo Häyhä throws their hands up! Like a farmer when the seed dibber breaks!
Robert Wadlow sits alone on the bench. This world-class player processing the defeat.
Harry Potter and Iron Man share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-117 (L)
Ron Weasley begins their shift on the gym! A juggler starting the their bare hands shift!
Simo Häyhä gets blocked! Rejected harder than a farmer's worst day on the job!
Robert Wadlow with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Iron Man gets posted up and scored on! This hall-of-fame lock overpowered!
This max-contract guy Simo Häyhä fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Off to the locker room. Iron Man has already drained two water bottles. Little secret: Iron Man has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Simo Häyhä, this solid build, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates at the buzzer!
Robert Wadlow, this franchise guy, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Ron Weasley throws it into the stands! What was that from this big-name player!
Iron Man glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this superhero!
Ron Weasley, this headliner, takes the loss hard. Tendency to force bad shots at the wrong moments.
Iron Man mutters 'damn' under his breath. Simo Häyhä says 'yeah' in the same tone. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
73-118 (L)
Harry Potter, this absolute legend, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
Harry Potter clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Harry Potter trips up in the left wing! A juggler never trips at work... Right?
Harry Potter, this swiss-army-knife type, gets exploited in the switch! Sometimes predictable game exposed in the mismatch!
Simo Häyhä storms to the bench! Heated! This farmer doesn't handle losing well!
Heading in. Iron Man's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Iron Man fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We're back! The players look fired up.
The rim rejects Iron Man! The rim says no! Even a superhero gets rejected sometimes!
Ron Weasley is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a juggler would call it quits!
Simo Häyhä, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the leather!
This generational talent Iron Man gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Robert Wadlow leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a circus performer after the game setback!
Simo Häyhä's lip is trembling. Iron Man dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-117 (L)
The gym welcomes Simo Häyhä! The farmer with the stubborn soil has arrived!
Ron Weasley misses! Even a juggler can't fix that shot!
Ron Weasley coughs it up! A juggler's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
Iron Man gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a superhero's worst day on the job!
Harry Potter can't mask the disappointment! This guy with rings on every finger wearing it on the sleeve!
Time to breathe. Harry Potter has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. They say Harry Potter eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Robert Wadlow forces a bad reverse layup! This headliner needs to trust teammates!
Harry Potter finds a second wind! The juggler engine roars back to life!
Harry Potter throws it away! A pass worse than a juggler tossing the game!
This franchise guy Ron Weasley stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Simo Häyhä looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a farmer!
Iron Man refuses Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's handshake. Harry Potter offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Iron Man.
Season journal
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