My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Kevin Durant whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Joe Rogan throws himself at it for a header. The thai boxer rises and plants his header on the cross from Ronaldo! In that position, that heading game is what justifies your presence in the box. GOAL!

Kevin Durant sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Robert Wadlow snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Robert Wadlow waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Kevin Durant fires wide, not far from the post though! Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Great vision from Joe Rogan who switches to LeBron James. The defence pivots, but they are too late. LeBron James puts Osama bin Laden into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Robert Wadlow stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Sophie Rain comes over and hugs him without a word.

Kevin Durant keeps it short to Cristiano Ronaldo, no frills, just good football intelligence. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on.

Short restart from the circus performer to Ronaldo, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Ronaldo rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Ronaldo finds Joe Rogan between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Big strike from the thai boxer, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Osama bin Laden is livid, gesturing wildly. Joe Rogan chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Sophie Rain once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 22-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' The gaffer gives LeBron James one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and LeBron James runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Delicious through ball from Osama bin Laden, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Lamine Yamal is there to gobble it up. Lamine Yamal jumps the gun on LeBron James's through ball. Clear offside, good call. The circus performer throws it out to Joe Rogan, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Joe Rogan delivers a tidy ball to Cristiano Ronaldo, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Ronaldo gives it to LeBron James into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. One touch football: Sophie Rain to Sean Combs, faster than the opposition can think. The philanthropist roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Free kick from Joe Rogan to the near post, Osama bin Laden gets a flick on it. Osama bin Laden wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Osama bin Laden has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

Robert Wadlow plays it along the ground to Cristiano Ronaldo, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Quick one-two between Cristiano Ronaldo and Sean Combs, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

The opponent beats Cristiano Ronaldo to the near post and wins the header. Cristiano Ronaldo was caught on his heels. The circus performer sticks out a foot from nowhere and pushes it away! In that position, when you have that composure, you are a true number one. Robert Wadlow plays out from the back with Osama bin Laden, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

The internet celebrity boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Ronaldo links up with Sophie Rain, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Sophie Rain hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. SHOOOOT from Sophie Rain... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Honours even. Sean Combs finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Kevin Durant walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. Right-footed cross from Lamine Yamal, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Joe Rogan. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Joe Rogan! On the gift from Bonnie Blue, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

Huge tackle from Sean Combs! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Sean Combs decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. The philanthropist lobs the keeper with a SILKY touch! In that position, that kind of finish shows you have a football IQ above average. PERFECT lob, GOAL!

Sean Combs climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Ronaldo films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Kevin Durant shapes to shoot but plays it short to Sean Combs, the defence is caught flat-footed. Looping cross from Sean Combs, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Kevin Durant. Danger. Kevin Durant attempts to cross but the defender gets a foot in, blocked cleanly. Corner cleared, the youtuber finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Cristiano Ronaldo pings a long diagonal to Ronaldo, completely shifts the point of attack.

LeBron James sends an aerial beauty to Bonnie Blue, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. What a block from the defender! Bonnie Blue hit it well but the defender was right in the firing line.

Clearance from the circus performer towards Joe Rogan, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Joe Rogan looks up and launches a long pass towards Sean Combs. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Driven cross from Sean Combs into the box, Osama bin Laden arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. The cross from Osama bin Laden is deflected off a defender's foot. Corner to the attacking side.

Robert Wadlow has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. LeBron James is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Dietitians have given up on Robert Wadlow, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 108 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Sophie Rain leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Kevin Durant's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! The civil engineer has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Joe Rogan shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Lamine Yamal links a one-two with Kevin Durant, the two players are on the same wavelength. Telepathic connection. Lamine Yamal explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Brilliant cut-back from Lamine Yamal along the grass for Kevin Durant. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Ronaldo throws himself into a tackle and just takes a chunk out of the turf. The attacker is long gone. MONUMENTAL fingertip save from Robert Wadlow! The ball was heading top bins but he just about flicked it. The corner from Joe Rogan is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Robert Wadlow arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Joe Rogan slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Sean Combs lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Lay-off from Kevin Durant to Sophie Rain, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Body feint from the internet celebrity, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage.

That is a statement result! Robert Wadlow stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Lamine Yamal joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. México No-Era-Penal won't forget this one. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Close but no cigar! Sean Combs gets a toe to the ball but can't stop the attacker from getting through. PENALTY for the basketball player! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. Powerful penalty from LeBron James, the keeper dived the right way but it was too strong.

Sean Combs weaves through Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Ronaldo screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

The corner from the thai boxer is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Raking ball from the basketball player to Ronaldo, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Rapid combination: Ronaldo to Sophie Rain, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Lightning overlap from Sophie Rain, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

Quick exchange between Osama bin Laden and Sophie Rain, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Sophie Rain rolls it to Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Cristiano Ronaldo nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. Cristiano Ronaldo tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie!

Surging run from Lamine Yamal from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Lamine Yamal picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken.

It's a goal for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Robert Wadlow is at the centre, lifted up by Cristiano Ronaldo and Robert Wadlow, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Sean Combs. And you, Joe Rogan. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Paparazzi snapped Ronaldo on holiday in Benidorm wearing socks with sandals, a bum bag, and a bucket hat that said 'LADS ON TOUR.' At 183, the 50-year-old was impossible to miss. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' Out they come. Sean Combs has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Little shift from Osama bin Laden to Kevin Durant, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Dreadful pass from Kevin Durant, lands three yards away from the target. Osama bin Laden can do nothing with that.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. The basketball player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. LeBron James plays the simple ball to Lamine Yamal, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Lamine Yamal lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Bonnie Blue down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them.

High recovery from Cristiano Ronaldo! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Smooth transition from Cristiano Ronaldo to Sean Combs, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Sean Combs accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Cross from Sean Combs too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect.

Superb diagonal from the youtuber to Sophie Rain, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Sophie Rain picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Sophie Rain picks out Ronaldo with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Ronaldo spreads it to Joe Rogan, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Joe Rogan tries the one-two with LeBron James and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Joe Rogan wins the battle without even touching the opponent.

Joe Rogan tries to pick out Osama bin Laden on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. OHHH Robert Wadlow sticks the foot out at point-blank range! The ball is pushed away, the keeper is HEROIC! Panicked clearance from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Bonnie Blue triggers a change of flanks for Sophie Rain, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Cross from Sophie Rain off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Ronaldo at the far side. Phenomenal stop from Robert Wadlow! That is a reflex save from another planet! Cristiano Ronaldo launches himself on the corner from Kevin Durant and powers a header but it is off target.

Stalemate at home. Lamine Yamal and Robert Wadlow embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

Superb tackle from the philanthropist, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. GOAL with a lob from the tv host! In that position, having the AWARENESS to spot the keeper off his line and the composure to chip it over, that is what makes great players. MASTERFUL.

Robert Wadlow hoofs it forward towards Osama bin Laden, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Osama bin Laden dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Good ball from the civil engineer to Lamine Yamal, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. What a ball from Lamine Yamal! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Osama bin Laden is away on his own. That is velvet.

Osama bin Laden shifts it to Ronaldo with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Incredible burst of pace from Ronaldo, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Ronaldo sends in a curling delivery, Cristiano Ronaldo peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Robert Wadlow plucks the ball out of the air with total assurance. The defence breathes, the keeper is watching.

Joe Rogan feeds Osama bin Laden in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Give and go from the civil engineer with Joe Rogan, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Flag raised against the civil engineer. Kevin Durant's ball was good but the timing was off. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Short corner from Joe Rogan to Sean Combs, they're looking for a better crossing angle. The philanthropist rolls it back along the ground for Cristiano Ronaldo. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. The manager has his head in his hands! Cristiano Ronaldo misses in front of an open goal after that peach from Sophie Rain. You cannot miss those at this level.

The gaffer points at Sean Combs: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Sean Combs clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Sean Combs holds the dressing room record for keeping a Fruit Pastille in the mouth without chewing for 47 minutes. At 57, the achievement is engraved on a plaque above the physio's door. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 9999 and answer this question: 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Cristiano Ronaldo is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

They've done it! Dakar Teranga FC find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Robert Wadlow rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Sophie Rain jumps on his back, Robert Wadlow is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. What a block! Osama bin Laden slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Osama bin Laden slides it to Bonnie Blue, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Flash wall from Sean Combs for Bonnie Blue who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation.

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Lamine Yamal hits it with power and it SMASHES the post! The keeper wasn't there, only the woodwork saved them. Robert Wadlow fires it out quickly by hand to Kevin Durant, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Robert Wadlow sparks the transition with a quick throw to Lamine Yamal, the break is lightning fast. Lamine Yamal launches it to Sean Combs on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Sean Combs clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Ronaldo gets across the near post first.

Oh no, Dakar Teranga FC score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Osama bin Laden blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Osama bin Laden is booked for persistent dissent. Should have kept his mouth shut. Short free kick, Osama bin Laden to Lamine Yamal, tactical combination to unlock the defence. Oh my word Lamine Yamal fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

The circus performer goes long for Sean Combs, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. The philanthropist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Lamine Yamal. Pure quality, as per usual. Huge aerial duel won by Lamine Yamal, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Lamine Yamal launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Monster clearance from Robert Wadlow, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to LeBron James.

It's over and Dakar Teranga FC take the points. Joe Rogan shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Osama bin Laden walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 1974, following the Great Sock Uprising. Brenda wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-3 (L)

High recovery from Cristiano Ronaldo, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Cristiano Ronaldo aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

Cristiano Ronaldo fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Ronaldo plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Tremendous work from Lamine Yamal who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Lamine Yamal puts Cristiano Ronaldo into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Cristiano Ronaldo lets the GUNS loose! A strike of phenomenal power that ends up top bins, GOAL!

Lamine Yamal mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Cristiano Ronaldo raises Lamine Yamal's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Robert Wadlow plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Osama bin Laden pierces the backline with a low through ball, Cristiano Ronaldo latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Osama bin Laden threads it through to Cristiano Ronaldo, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside. Long kick from Robert Wadlow, Lamine Yamal positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Lamine Yamal rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Bonnie Blue. The far side is completely deserted.

Magnificent tackle from Sean Combs! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Cristiano Ronaldo burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Cross from the right by Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Ronaldo at the back post. Ronaldo sends in a half-hearted cross, the keeper catches it without even jumping.

What a mess! Douala Makossa-Corner capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Cristiano Ronaldo, lift your head up. Joe Rogan, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Now Sophie Rain has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 180 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' Here come the lads. LeBron James jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Decisive interception from the basketball player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. The basketball player opens up to Kevin Durant on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Kevin Durant looks for Joe Rogan but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Ball into space from Lamine Yamal, Joe Rogan just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius.

They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Bonnie Blue sends his cross sailing over everyone, Osama bin Laden cannot even get close to it. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Sean Combs slips Joe Rogan in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. The thai boxer plays it simple to Lamine Yamal, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Unbelievable! Douala Makossa-Corner score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Robert Wadlow spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Joe Rogan gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Osama bin Laden goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Switch from Osama bin Laden! The ball arcs over the midfield and Bonnie Blue collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Lamine Yamal powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Lamine Yamal dribbles into the box, the defender catches him and sends him sprawling. The referee blows IMMEDIATELY: penalty! The heart of the stadium is beating at a THOUSAND miles an hour! Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR has decided: no penalty! There was no foul on Lamine Yamal! The circus performer finds Ronaldo with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Kevin Durant beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. PENALTY for Kevin Durant! He is pushed in the back by the defender inside the box. The referee SAW the foul and points to the spot. The PRESSURE is immense! STOPPED! The keeper has saved Kevin Durant's penalty! What a read of the situation, he guessed the side! Lamine Yamal hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

And there it is, Douala Makossa-Corner score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Robert Wadlow climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Bonnie Blue films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Free kick played short by Lamine Yamal and Kevin Durant, the opposition did not see that one coming. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Kevin Durant strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Lamine Yamal spreads the play and finds Ronaldo in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin.

Painful afternoon. Robert Wadlow and LeBron James walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Douala Makossa-Corner's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Cristiano Ronaldo sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Absolute peach from Cristiano Ronaldo, threading it through for Ronaldo, the centre-halves are done for! Ronaldo does the striker's job! On the loose ball from Kevin Durant, he stabs with the tip of his boot, GOAL!

Cristiano Ronaldo points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Robert Wadlow comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

What a situation from Kevin Durant's corner! It's a right old scrap in the box, the defense survives! Poacher's goal from Sophie Rain! The keeper spilled it and Sophie Rain prods the ball into the net.

Kevin Durant mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Osama bin Laden plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Robert Wadlow applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

GOAAAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Robert Wadlow fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Osama bin Laden plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Short distribution from Robert Wadlow to Cristiano Ronaldo, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Sideways ball from Cristiano Ronaldo to LeBron James, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The basketball player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Lob from the basketball player over the defensive block for Lamine Yamal. The bare minimum at this level, but delivered with diabolical precision. Lamine Yamal heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Osama bin Laden spots the run from Sophie Rain and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! The overlap from Sophie Rain, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. The internet celebrity whips in a classic cross for Osama bin Laden in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. The civil engineer delivers the corner and it's pandemonium! In that position, a quality delivery into the danger zone is exactly what you need.

The physio works on Robert Wadlow's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Robert Wadlow, you get in behind him the second we win it back. LeBron James, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Despite the wages, Sophie Rain insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 22 and 180, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6060 and answer this question: 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?' The gaffer gives Bonnie Blue one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Bonnie Blue runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Osama bin Laden scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Joe Rogan jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel. Kevin Durant gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post. Kevin Durant clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

The thai boxer devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. Joe Rogan attempts a step-over but the defender reads it and wins the ball back. That has not worked. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. VAR upgrades the card, Bonnie Blue must leave the pitch immediately! Bonnie Blue has lost all composure, kicks out at the opponent and gets his marching orders. Bonnie Blue pretends to strike and lays it off to Sean Combs, well worked short free kick.

And that's a goal! Lagos No-Carry-Last extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Lovely interception from Osama bin Laden, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. It is not happening for Sean Combs, the pass to Osama bin Laden is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces.

Acceleration from Kevin Durant down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. The cross from Kevin Durant does not find a single teammate, the keeper claims it without fuss. Robert Wadlow distributes short to Osama bin Laden, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Osama bin Laden changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Kevin Durant. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Sean Combs lays it off first time to Sophie Rain, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ball in behind from the internet celebrity, Osama bin Laden is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Osama bin Laden strays offside by half a boot on LeBron James's pass, brutal decision! The circus performer goes long for Cristiano Ronaldo, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Absolutely immense from Cristiano Ronaldo! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back.

1-1. Robert Wadlow and Joe Rogan are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Robert Wadlow. "Next time," replies Joe Rogan. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?'. The answer was of course Shropshire, where the Cheddar Protection Act of 1903 remains in force. Geraldine wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Kevin Durant powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Lobbed cross from the youtuber over the centre-halves for LeBron James. When you have got that quality of delivery, you cause absolute carnage. LeBron James rises to the heavens and plants his header on the pass from Bonnie Blue! The keeper was a spectator, GOOOAL!

Short restart from Robert Wadlow to Bonnie Blue, building from the back nice and tidy. The tv host switches the play to LeBron James, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. LeBron James puts the ball right into the mixer, Cristiano Ronaldo arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster.

And it's in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Raw emotion: Robert Wadlow cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Cristiano Ronaldo crouches beside him and speaks softly. Robert Wadlow jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Superb diagonal from the tv host to Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Lovely use of the ball by Cristiano Ronaldo, finding LeBron James in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Firm pass from LeBron James into Bonnie Blue, right into the boots. No waste. Bonnie Blue plays the one-two with Sophie Rain, give and go, that is absolutely silky!

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Wing switch from Lamine Yamal, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Kevin Durant brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Kevin Durant to Sophie Rain, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Joe Rogan: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 59 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Brilliant little nugget — Lamine Yamal has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 180, for the record. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Out they come. Sophie Rain has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Good ball from Ronaldo to Bonnie Blue, playing it quick between the lines. Bonnie Blue shifts it wide to Osama bin Laden on the right, lovely ball into the space.

Dangerous corner from the tv host, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable. Cristiano Ronaldo clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

Free kick swung in by Bonnie Blue, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Kevin Durant is lurking. Aerial duel won by Kevin Durant, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. Monster clearance from Kevin Durant! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

Attempted tackle from Ronaldo but he's eating dirt while the attacker waltzes into the box. Fingertip save from Robert Wadlow! With his fingertips he sends the ball out for a corner. Corner from Bonnie Blue into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away.

It was bound to happen. Barranquilla Toque-Toque score and honestly, we deserved that.

Free kick crossed in by the youtuber into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. The philanthropist misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in.

Robert Wadlow finds Sean Combs with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. What positioning from Sean Combs! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. The philanthropist finds LeBron James along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Osama bin Laden goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Sean Combs takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-3 (L)

Sophie Rain puts it right into the feet of LeBron James, one touch and away. Silky stuff. LeBron James fires and it CRASHES off the crossbar! BAR! That was a certain goal! GOOOAL! Bonnie Blue pokes the ball in at point-blank range after a scramble in the box. STRIKER'S GOAL!

Sophie Rain spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. LeBron James gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

LeBron James with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! LeBron James sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Cristiano Ronaldo is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. GOOOOOOAL! Cristiano Ronaldo meets the pass from Bonnie Blue and places an unstoppable curling effort. The keeper was a spectator!

LeBron James mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Robert Wadlow plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Robert Wadlow applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Cristiano Ronaldo thumps his header on the corner from Lamine Yamal but it flies two yards over. Terrible waste. Emergency clearance from the basketball player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Diagonal from Lamine Yamal to Osama bin Laden, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Added time! Hearts are pounding, this match refuses to die. Bodies everywhere, nobody cares about fatigue, they just need a goal. The thai boxer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Short build-up from Kevin Durant to Bonnie Blue, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Bonnie Blue charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Good run from Bonnie Blue who crosses to the near post for Lamine Yamal. The defender is beaten to it. The circus performer gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Robert Wadlow, you have barely touched the ball. Sean Combs, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Sean Combs has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 57, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The second period begins and Sean Combs launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The civil engineer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Osama bin Laden to Bonnie Blue, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

It's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Robert Wadlow runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Bonnie Blue joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

LeBron James sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. LeBron James anticipates the run from Lamine Yamal and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. The circus performer rushes out at the feet and smothers the ball! In that position, winning a duel like that is what separates a good keeper from a great one. Robert Wadlow distributes by hand to Sean Combs on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Crossfield pass from Sean Combs to Bonnie Blue, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Sean Combs drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Ronaldo read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Massive hit from Ronaldo, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop. Ronaldo aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence.

Disaster! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Robert Wadlow sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Osama bin Laden photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Kevin Durant takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. The civil engineer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Sean Combs plays it simple to LeBron James, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Body feint from LeBron James, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Robert Wadlow rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Ronaldo jumps on his back, Robert Wadlow is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

The timing is everything: Kevin Durant releases the ball at the perfect moment and Bonnie Blue explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Turnover from Bonnie Blue, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Incredible solo charge from the youtuber, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition.

Joe Rogan sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Cristiano Ronaldo reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Cristiano Ronaldo. Joe Rogan almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-3 (L)

Joe Rogan lets fly and it clatters into a defender's arm. PENALTY! The arm was well away from the body. What CALM from Cristiano Ronaldo! Penalty converted with the class of the GREATS. The keeper is wrong-footed. GOAL!

Knee slide from Joe Rogan right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Kevin Durant does the same down the line. Robert Wadlow turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Lamine Yamal flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. What composure from Lamine Yamal! On the pass from Kevin Durant, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

They've turned the screw and the defence is starting to buckle. BLOCKED! Cristiano Ronaldo hits it hard but the defender stands firm and deflects it for a corner. Joe Rogan tries a cross but it is repelled by a well-positioned defender. Nothing doing. Joe Rogan clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Free kick from Kevin Durant curled into the area, Cristiano Ronaldo attacks it with a header. Cristiano Ronaldo wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Ronaldo. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Cristiano Ronaldo boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Sophie Rain cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Leaked texts reveal Robert Wadlow tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 108-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' Back on the pitch and Joe Rogan is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Kevin Durant unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The internet celebrity switches the play to Sean Combs, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Sean Combs tries a crossfield ball to Cristiano Ronaldo but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage.

Bonnie Blue plays the free kick back to Kevin Durant, they are looking for the shooting angle. Wide from the youtuber! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Strike from Joe Rogan that goes into the birds. That is light years away from the frame.

Oh dear oh dear! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Robert Wadlow scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Cristiano Ronaldo is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Robert Wadlow goes long for Sophie Rain, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Sophie Rain intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. With one swing of the boot, Sophie Rain finds Ronaldo on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Absolutely dreadful! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Robert Wadlow catapults the ball towards Sophie Rain from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Brilliant switch of play from Sophie Rain! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Sean Combs. Pinpoint delivery from the philanthropist towards Ronaldo, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Cross from Lamine Yamal deflected by the defence, Sean Combs will not see the ball this time. Shocking corner from Bonnie Blue, doesn't even make the box.

Cristiano Ronaldo sets it for Kevin Durant, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Kevin Durant fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Sean Combs throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. OHHH the header from the philanthropist goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. Robert Wadlow sends an absolute rocket towards Lamine Yamal, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Long ball from Lamine Yamal to Joe Rogan, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Robert Wadlow stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. LeBron James peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Lamine Yamal sees Ronaldo peel off and plays him in on the short corner, they're setting up the second wave. Ronaldo gets down the left and pulls it back low, Lamine Yamal is stationed on the penalty spot. Lamine Yamal is in the box like a VULTURE! On the deflected ball, he prods it in at point-blank range. GOAL!

Lamine Yamal charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Dribble from Lamine Yamal in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Lamine Yamal strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. Long ball from Robert Wadlow for Joe Rogan who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

LeBron James picks out Cristiano Ronaldo with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. BLOCKED! Cristiano Ronaldo strikes but the defender sticks a foot out and deflects it. What a sacrifice. The corner from Cristiano Ronaldo is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Massive clearance from Sophie Rain, just get the ball as far away as possible.

Lamine Yamal sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. The basketball player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Raking ball from the basketball player to Kevin Durant, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The youtuber reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly.

Osama bin Laden misreads the run completely and slides in way too early. By the time he lands, the ball's in another postcode. Robert Wadlow pushes it away with the tips of his gloves for a corner, that was scary. Corner from Ronaldo, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Ronaldo stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Kevin Durant once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 208 and 38 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' And the second half is go! Ronaldo charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Clearance from the circus performer towards Joe Rogan, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Joe Rogan spots Lamine Yamal in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Lamine Yamal gives it to Ronaldo into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Ronaldo whips in a cross at head height, Lamine Yamal anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

Beautiful distribution from Robert Wadlow to Sophie Rain, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Firm pass from Sophie Rain into Osama bin Laden, right into the boots. No waste. The civil engineer has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Massive punt from Robert Wadlow, sends the ball sixty yards, LeBron James is scrapping for it up top.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. The thai boxer cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Osama bin Laden. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Osama bin Laden celebrates, then sees the flag. Offside on Cristiano Ronaldo's pass. Gutting.

Crucial intervention from the civil engineer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Massive clearance from the civil engineer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

They've scored! Rio Malandro FC find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Ronaldo decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos. OHHH Ronaldo strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

Draw against Rio Malandro FC. Joe Rogan kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Bonnie Blue does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Kevin Durant and Lamine Yamal combine on the corner, neat little one-two at the flag. Perfect low cut-back from Lamine Yamal, the ball slides across the box and Sophie Rain just has to finish. The internet celebrity prods home the cross from Joe Rogan from 4 yards! GOAL! In that position, that positional sense is pure gold.

Classy interception from Sean Combs, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. What a nose for goal from Kevin Durant! On the rebound, he was on the prowl and places his boot in the right spot. GOAL!

Lamine Yamal strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. Lamine Yamal dives in studs first on the attacker, completely mistimed and extremely dangerous. Lamine Yamal sees yellow. Leading with the arm like that is textbook unsporting behaviour. The free kick from Lamine Yamal is played short, Osama bin Laden receives and goes immediately. Osama bin Laden keeps it short to Joe Rogan, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Crucial intervention from the philanthropist, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Sean Combs boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Ronaldo is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. Robert Wadlow gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Solo charge from Ronaldo, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. The referee points to the SPOT! Ronaldo has been brought down in the box by the defender. Huge decision, the TENSION is through the roof! Ronaldo runs up, takes the penalty... POST! The ball comes back, that's terrible. Robert Wadlow rolls it short to Sophie Rain into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

The physio works on Ronaldo's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Ronaldo, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Joe Rogan, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. You'll love this — Kevin Durant, all 208 of him, has an irrational fear of roundabouts. Not on the pitch, mind you — actual road roundabouts. His teammate has to drive him to training because the Magic Roundabout in Swindon gave him nightmares. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' And we are back underway! Bonnie Blue jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

The circus performer finds Sophie Rain with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Sophie Rain scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Cristiano Ronaldo with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Change of flanks from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Kevin Durant.

The corner from the youtuber was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish. Robert Wadlow launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Ronaldo after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Ronaldo reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Sophie Rain launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Lamine Yamal, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Aerial duel won by Lamine Yamal in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Robert Wadlow opts for the short option to Cristiano Ronaldo, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Cristiano Ronaldo floats a ball towards Sophie Rain but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Sean Combs puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like.

They've scored again! Istanbul Cehennem FK are running riot and we can't cope.

Robert Wadlow runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Robert Wadlow tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Robert Wadlow takes his time and plays it short to Sean Combs. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Short pass from the philanthropist to Cristiano Ronaldo, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Wicked through ball from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball skims the grass and finds Sean Combs who had set off before anyone else even noticed.

Stalemate at home. Robert Wadlow and LeBron James embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. GOOOOOAL! Joe Rogan was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Shifting pass from Kevin Durant to Bonnie Blue, the ball drifts into the free zone and Bonnie Blue is onto it in two strides.

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Joe Rogan has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. Robert Wadlow smashes a volley towards Osama bin Laden, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Poor decision from Osama bin Laden on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it.

Bonnie Blue switches the play to Ronaldo on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Ronaldo reaches the byline and cuts it back for Cristiano Ronaldo arriving from the second wave. Lovely take from the circus performer! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. Robert Wadlow boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Cristiano Ronaldo! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Cristiano Ronaldo punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Ronaldo sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 50, the 183-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show The Crystal Gazer! To win a weekend at a haunted Premier Inn, text 0800GHOST and answer: 'How many ghosts per square metre does the average Travelodge have?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Bonnie Blue is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Textbook tackle from Sean Combs there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Sean Combs goes crossfield to Joe Rogan, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

The philanthropist produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The philanthropist lays it off first time to Kevin Durant, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The youtuber reads the movement before anyone else and puts Bonnie Blue into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

Superb tackle from the civil engineer, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Cristiano Ronaldo unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner. The corner from Cristiano Ronaldo is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert.

Phenomenal run from Ronaldo, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. The referee blows and points to the penalty spot! Ronaldo has been bundled over in the box. The defender used too much body, it is a penalty! MASSIVE moment of the match! THE WOODWORK! Ronaldo's penalty hits the post, the ball comes back. Fate is merciless. Quick throw from Robert Wadlow to Cristiano Ronaldo out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

GOAAAL for Milano Piano-Piano! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Robert Wadlow runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Robert Wadlow tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Lamine Yamal swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Overlap from Cristiano Ronaldo on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

The circus performer finds Joe Rogan with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Joe Rogan plays the simple ball to Osama bin Laden, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Osama bin Laden lays it off first time to Lamine Yamal, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Lamine Yamal goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. Lamine Yamal whips the free kick into the box for Osama bin Laden, dangerous delivery!

Final whistle, final nail. Ronaldo pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Joe Rogan gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Wendy from Carlisle says roughly three point seven ghosts per square metre based on her last stay in Watford. Haunted Premier Inn weekend it is! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-3 (L)

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Robert Wadlow stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Bonnie Blue follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Robert Wadlow plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Cristiano Ronaldo feeds Kevin Durant in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Textbook one-two between Kevin Durant and Bonnie Blue. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football. GOOOAL for Kevin Durant! What an individual feat, he beat ALL the defenders before scoring. MASTERFUL!

Stunning tackle by LeBron James in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Ronaldo executes a SURGICAL lob! The keeper came out to meet him and Ronaldo punishes him by chipping the ball just over. That is ICE COLD composure, GOAL!

LeBron James places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Sean Combs falls to his knees bowing. Robert Wadlow does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Sean Combs fires the ball over to Joe Rogan with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Bad pass from the thai boxer, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Free kick conceded by Ronaldo, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. Ronaldo puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Lamine Yamal is there to finish.

Two-man corner between Lamine Yamal and Ronaldo, the defense has to come out in numbers. Ronaldo goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, LeBron James is unmarked at the far post. LeBron James with the goal gaping thanks to Sophie Rain... and he sends it over the crossbar. We cannot believe it.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Kevin Durant takes the hit without responding. Sophie Rain drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." The 42-year-old LeBron James adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while LeBron James trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' Robert Wadlow is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

They've nicked a goal! Sevilla Olé-Olé catch us cold on the break.

Robert Wadlow throws it out quickly to Sean Combs, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Header lost by Sean Combs, the opponent was just too strong. Oh no Osama bin Laden! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from LeBron James deserved better.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. The basketball player lays it off first time to Ronaldo, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Ronaldo pulls it back along the ground for Kevin Durant, that is the perfect cut-back!

Lifesaving clearance from Sophie Rain! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Lamine Yamal crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Osama bin Laden is there to meet it.

Sean Combs drops a lofted ball to Ronaldo, it sails over the entire midfield line. Ronaldo takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Ronaldo loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break.

Osama bin Laden thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Lamine Yamal unleashes a raking ball out to Sophie Rain, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Sophie Rain crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Osama bin Laden is in the right place. Duel lost by Osama bin Laden, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. Robert Wadlow grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands.

It's there! Sevilla Olé-Olé hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Joe Rogan sends the free kick in front of goal, Sean Combs leaps to try the header. The philanthropist sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side. Sean Combs puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears.

Sean Combs sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Kevin Durant reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Kevin Durant. Sean Combs almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

It's kicking off everywhere, tackles, pressing, aerial battles nonstop. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Absolute rocket from Kevin Durant, the keeper dived but it was unstoppable.

Joe Rogan sends Lamine Yamal into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Offside given against Lamine Yamal but that is desperately close, Ronaldo is absolutely fuming! Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

Cristiano Ronaldo puts it right into the feet of Sophie Rain, one touch and away. Silky stuff. LOOONG range effort from Sophie Rain! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner. Corner from Sophie Rain, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

The civil engineer starts a one-two with Sean Combs, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. The civil engineer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Free kick to the opponents. Osama bin Laden caught his man with a stray leg. The free kick is worked short, Osama bin Laden sets up Sophie Rain who finds himself in a good position.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Robert Wadlow does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Ronaldo launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Robert Wadlow arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Sophie Rain cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Here's a belter — Joe Rogan is genuinely terrified of pigeons. Absolutely petrified. The lads had to escort him through Trafalgar Square last summer and he was clinging to the physio like a child. He's 180 and built like a shed, but one pigeon and he's gone. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Cristiano Ronaldo leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

LeBron James sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Joe Rogan. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Joe Rogan launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Key pass from Joe Rogan! It fizzes between the lines and Kevin Durant collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Kevin Durant controls and SHOOTS! On target but the keeper dives and gets a hand to it. Corner.

Robert Wadlow lumps it long towards Osama bin Laden, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Osama bin Laden intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Osama bin Laden rolls it to Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Massive diagonal from Osama bin Laden! Sophie Rain receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Sophie Rain loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. The youtuber launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. One touch football: Lamine Yamal to Joe Rogan, faster than the opposition can think.

Corner swung in by Kevin Durant, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear. Bonnie Blue reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Bonnie Blue swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Sean Combs, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. What a tackle by Sean Combs! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding.

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Three-man routine: Robert Wadlow, Osama bin Laden and Robert Wadlow do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Massive clearance from LeBron James in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Robert Wadlow plays it short to Ronaldo, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Monumental ball from Ronaldo to Joe Rogan, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Joe Rogan opens up the space for Ronaldo with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. CRAAACKER from Ronaldo outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

Inch-perfect tackle by LeBron James, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. LeBron James sets it for Osama bin Laden, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Crafty ball from Osama bin Laden into the gap, Sean Combs arrives into the space and collects on the move.

Full time and it's a bitter one. LeBron James stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Bonnie Blue walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Elastico from the thai boxer, the defender is bamboozled. That kind of showmanship in that role is the X-factor that makes the difference. Joe Rogan puts on his personal show! Slalom, dribbles, finish, it is an AUTHOR'S GOAL, GOAL!

Joe Rogan runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Robert Wadlow gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Moment of truth, heroes rise or hearts break. GOOOAL for Bonnie Blue! Perfect downward header on the delivery from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball bounces in front of the keeper and ends up in the net!

Bonnie Blue fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Kevin Durant plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

The ball from Kevin Durant rips through the defensive curtain, Osama bin Laden is flying into the space like an arrow. The circus performer narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Heroic low block, every single player at his post. The internet celebrity reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Authoritative clearance from Sophie Rain in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Kevin Durant pings a ridiculous diagonal to Sean Combs. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Sean Combs is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. Sophie Rain launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Joe Rogan slides it to Sophie Rain, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

GOAL! London Three-Pints strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Three-man routine: Robert Wadlow, Cristiano Ronaldo and Robert Wadlow do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Kevin Durant is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Kevin Durant: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Inside info here — Bonnie Blue insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 27, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Robert Wadlow does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Kevin Durant shifts it to Lamine Yamal with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Lamine Yamal floats a cross in from the wing for Joe Rogan, the ball hangs in the box! The thai boxer tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. Tidy restart from Robert Wadlow along the deck to Cristiano Ronaldo, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

The circus performer finds Cristiano Ronaldo with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Cristiano Ronaldo steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper.

Driven kick from Robert Wadlow to LeBron James, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Firm pass from LeBron James into Ronaldo, right into the boots. No waste. Ronaldo lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. The circus performer finds Osama bin Laden with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Oh that's terrible! London Three-Pints score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Express recovery from LeBron James, pops up behind the attacker and clears it into touch. Crisis averted! LeBron James pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Killer ball from Cristiano Ronaldo through the gap! Ronaldo bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff.

The philanthropist lays it off first time to Lamine Yamal, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. The lads are taking the game to them, proper front-foot football. Monster press from Kevin Durant! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe.

Share of the spoils. Joe Rogan walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Robert Wadlow throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. London Three-Pints probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.