My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Superman. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Superman, his brother-in-law and a superhero by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Superman can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-125 (L)
Tacko Fall opens with a scoop layup! This guy nobody was talking about making an early statement!
Superman can't hit from the restricted area! That zone is cursed for this superhero!
Jay Park, this tweener, gets stripped on the low block! Limited stamina exposed!
Johnny Sins gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Superman storms to the bench! This household name is visibly upset!
Halftime whistle. Superman high-fives his teammates on the way out. Exclusive: Superman was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Johnny Sins misses! Even a tv host can't fix that shot!
This who-is-this-guy player Tacko Fall calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Shaky emotions under pressure taking its toll!
Johnny Sins, this little firecracker, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
Tacko Fall fades away and kicks the stanchion! This potential breakout star losing composure!
This unknown gem Tacko Fall tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Superman bites the inside of his cheek. Tacko Fall pinches the bridge of his nose. I learned that Superman's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-133 (L)
This hooper's hooper Johnny Sins in the starting lineup! Let's see what this hooper's hooper brings!
Jay Park can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the fiery bars, a rapper always hits!
Jay Park, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Lack of consistency when protecting the ball!
Tacko Fall gets crossed over! This rising star left frozen back to the basket!
Jay Park, this next-level player, with the frustrated foul! Heavy feet in tough moments!
Break! Superman has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Superman calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Johnny Sins sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Jay Park asks for ice! Cooling down, even a rapper's engine needs a rest!
Stolen from Jay Park! A rapper who let it slip through their fingers!
Johnny Sins slams the pill in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
This surprise package Tacko Fall stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this surprise package wanted.
Jay Park leaves the court at a jog. Johnny Sins stays there, planted at center court, motionless. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
76-121 (L)
Johnny Sins lands the first half-court heave! First blood! The tv host strikes first!
Superman takes off the Wilson but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Superman trips up in the paint! A superhero never trips at work... Right?
Superman overcommits! Going all-in like a superhero on the game, but wrong!
This dude putting the league on notice Jay Park gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Into the tunnel. Jesus Christ grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know? Jesus Christ once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Tacko Fall, this pint-sized baller, can't get a pull-up jumper to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Jesus Christ needs oxygen! More winded than a messiah after overtime!
Tacko Fall tries to be too fancy and loses the leather! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
Jesus Christ shakes their head! A messiah who can't believe that just happened!
Jay Park leaves the temple of basketball with dignity! The dignity of a rapper with their hot mic!
Johnny Sins walks head down toward the tunnel. Jesus Christ drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
79-124 (L)
This player making noise Johnny Sins comes out aggressive! Opens with a sky hook at the top of the key!
This newcomer Tacko Fall short-arms a devastating dunk in the paint! Not enough lift!
This global icon Superman dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Superman overcommits and gets beat! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the play!
Jesus Christ mouths off at after a timeout! A messiah venting about the game!
Break! Johnny Sins rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Fun fact: Johnny Sins blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
This established player Johnny Sins whiffs on a half-court heave! The crowd groans!
Superman gulps water! As thirsty as a superhero reaching for the game!
Jesus Christ botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Jay Park throws their hands up! Like a rapper when their hot mic breaks!
Johnny Sins, this scrappy guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a gym-rat work ethic effort.
Tacko Fall mutters while walking out. Jay Park watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
89-112 (L)
Johnny Sins locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a tv host who means business!
Jay Park heaves and misses! Should have heaved the fiery bars instead!
Turnover by Superman! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Superman caught flat-footed! Standing still, the superhero reflexes took a nap!
Jay Park with the fadeaway devastating dunk! Smooth as their hot mic in action!
Cut! Halftime. Tacko Fall's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know? Tacko Fall once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Johnny Sins kicks the air! The frustration of a tv host who knows they can do better!
Superman bobbles and misses! Fumbling the damn ball like it's a Monday morning!
Tacko Fall, this guy nobody was talking about, manages the clock beautifully in the third quarter!
This unknown gem Tacko Fall can't close out! The legs are shot at half court!
Jay Park packs up and heads out! Packing their hot mic, unpacking emotions!
Jesus Christ refuses the coach's embrace. Johnny Sins accepts it but his body is stiff. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
84-128 (L)
Jesus Christ announces themselves! The messiah has arrived and the building knows it!
Jesus Christ clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Sloppy handling by Superman! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Jay Park can't stay in front! Spitting the fiery bars doesn't build lateral quickness!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Break! Jay Park grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Did you know Jay Park once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Johnny Sins can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Johnny Sins, this compact dynamo, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This seasoned vet Johnny Sins loses concentration and the rock with it!
Tacko Fall picks up the second technical! This dark horse ejected! Limited stamina!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, takes the loss hard. Hot head at the wrong moments.
Jesus Christ walks head down toward the tunnel. Johnny Sins drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
84-128 (L)
Jesus Christ begins their shift on the gym! A messiah starting the their bare hands shift!
Superman misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bare hands at the game!
Tacko Fall throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure in transition!
This legit talent Johnny Sins fouls reaching in! Hot head on defense!
Superman launches angrily after the turnover! This all-time great spiraling!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Johnny Sins walks head down toward the tunnel. Exclusive: Johnny Sins was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
This league veteran Johnny Sins rattles it out! So close yet so far at the buzzer!
Johnny Sins tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a tv host's energy for the game!
This player on the come-up Jay Park commits the 5-second violation! Clock management occasional mental lapses!
Johnny Sins waves off the play! The authority of a tv host in that gesture!
This surprise package Tacko Fall leaves the gymnasium with head held high. Fought to the end.
Jesus Christ hurls his water bottle at the wall. Superman flinches but doesn't react. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
89-133 (L)
Game time! Tacko Fall and this guy nobody was talking about ready to put on a show at the den!
Superman misses the open look! This all-time great can't believe it! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Superman commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Johnny Sins bites on the pump fake! This guy with a proven track record sent flying from the left corner!
Jay Park, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Back in the locker room, Jesus Christ sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote of the day: Jesus Christ forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
This up-and-coming baller Jay Park shanks a two-handed slam off the pick and roll! That's uncharacteristic!
This household name Jesus Christ has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jesus Christ with the backcourt violation! This certified GOAT candidate under too much pressure!
Jesus Christ mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Johnny Sins sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a tv host after their bare hands broke!
Johnny Sins is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Jay Park waits at the tunnel entrance. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
75-119 (L)
This solid pro Jay Park opens the scoring! A deep three! Early advantage!
Superman misfires in transition! Even this once-in-a-lifetime player has off nights!
Tacko Fall coughs up the Wilson! Injury-prone body strikes again back to the basket!
This dude putting the league on notice Johnny Sins misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Tacko Fall spins away from the huddle! This raw talent in a dark place mentally!
Into the tunnel. Johnny Sins grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Exclusive: Johnny Sins was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Johnny Sins rattles it out! Shaking the palace of hoops with their bare hands intensity!
Jesus Christ waves for a timeout! The messiah needs the game break!
Jesus Christ forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Johnny Sins glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this tv host!
Superman, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
Jay Park looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Superman looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
77-121 (L)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
Superman, this certified GOAT candidate, fumbles the finish in the paint! Back to the drawing board!
Tacko Fall steps back into a dead end along the baseline! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
Superman falls asleep on the weak side! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
Break. Johnny Sins collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: Johnny Sins slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
A two-handed slam from Jesus Christ goes in and out! Heartbreaking along the baseline!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, with tired legs in transition! Tendency to force bad shots slowing this potential GOAT down!
Superman with the errant pass! This basketball god needs to settle down!
Jay Park looks to the heavens! A rapper praying for their hot mic to work!
Tacko Fall reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Superman refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Jesus Christ watches it and immediately regrets it. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
80-124 (L)
The game begins and Jesus Christ is ready! You can see nerves of steel written all over his face!
Jay Park misfires on the floater! Too much float, the rapper touch abandoned them!
Tacko Fall dishes the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this hungry young player!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
Johnny Sins fades away the towel! This name that's buzzing showing lack of consistency!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Tacko Fall asks for an ice pack. Little scoop: Tacko Fall logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Jay Park misses the open look! A rapper never misses the fiery bars... But misses the pill!
Johnny Sins leans on their knees! Gassed, but the tv host keeps going!
This next-level player Johnny Sins with turnover number points! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Tacko Fall, this undersized spark plug, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
This name that's buzzing Johnny Sins congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this name that's buzzing.
Jesus Christ bites his lip, fists clenched. Tacko Fall shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-126 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the palace of hoops! From competing the game to this, game time!
Superman, this once-in-a-lifetime player, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Jesus Christ gets picked! A messiah getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Jesus Christ lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this franchise cornerstone fooled!
Superman drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a superhero's spirit has limits!
The locker room fills up. Jay Park has already eaten three oranges. Did you know Jay Park plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Tacko Fall, this short king, gets the look but can't convert along the baseline!
Tacko Fall blows past but the legs won't cooperate! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Superman throws it away! A pass worse than a superhero tossing the game!
Jay Park pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The rapper in them is showing!
Johnny Sins fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the tv host gave everything!
Superman bites his lip, fists clenched. Tacko Fall shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Did you know that Tacko Fall practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-129 (L)
Superman, this generational talent, embraces the packed arena! Game on!
Tacko Fall, this diamond in the rough, sends the Spalding wide! The touch is off tonight!
Tacko Fall with a wild pass that sails out! This potential breakout star giving it away!
Tacko Fall gets burned on the drive! Heavy feet in lateral movement!
Johnny Sins storms to the bench! Heated! This tv host doesn't handle losing well!
That's a wrap for now. Jesus Christ dives into the tunnel. Small detail: Jesus Christ wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Tacko Fall, this little guy, wastes a golden chance with a wild two-handed slam!
Superman labors up the court! Trudging like a superhero dragging the game!
Johnny Sins turns it over in the right wing! Butterfingers from this tv host!
Tacko Fall mutters to himself walking back! This guy nobody was talking about fighting inner demons!
Jay Park walks off in defeat! Even a rapper's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jay Park isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Jesus Christ tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
Tacko Fall, this pint-sized baller, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
Johnny Sins fires a pull-up jumper at half court but can't connect! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Johnny Sins throws it into the stands! What was that from this hooper's hooper!
Superman, this combo guard, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to force bad shots exposed in the mismatch!
This diamond in the rough Tacko Fall fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Time to breathe. Superman has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Little scoop: Superman logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Superman misfires! The superhero's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Superman grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
This dude out of nowhere Tacko Fall commits the offensive foul! Turnover driving to the hoop!
Johnny Sins buries their face! Hidden from view, the tv host can't watch!
Jay Park wipes a tear! A rapper who poured everything into the effort!
Jesus Christ is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Johnny Sins waits at the tunnel entrance. Tonight I had a revelation: Johnny Sins runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-132 (L)
Jesus Christ gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a messiah on day one!
Superman air-mails a fadeaway jumper from way beyond the arc! Way off for this absolute legend!
This total unknown Tacko Fall with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This well-respected player Johnny Sins caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
This dude putting the league on notice Johnny Sins hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in the paint!
Coach calls everyone back. Johnny Sins drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Johnny Sins slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Jay Park forces up an and-one over the defense! Defense that's basically a suggestion! Bad decision!
Johnny Sins drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
This who-is-this-guy player Tacko Fall gets pickpocketed from the right corner! Sloppy handling!
This player making noise Johnny Sins slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Jesus Christ gave it everything! Everything a messiah has, left on the court!
Superman stares at the floor while Tacko Fall mutters something inaudible under his breath. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Superman.
Season journal
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