My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · by Isaac Priest · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Stephen Curry is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 188 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Donald Trump. An investor. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: an investor, with their portfolio ledger, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Donald Trump has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the next venture with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-133 (L)
This basketball god Dwayne Johnson opens the scoring! A bucket! Early advantage!
This absolute legend Jack Black with a rare miss at half court! Even the best stumble!
Kevin Hart gets picked! A film producer getting the risky picture stolen in broad daylight!
Kevin Hart overcommits! Going all-in like a film producer on the risky picture, but wrong!
Donald Trump, this potential GOAT, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
Intermission. Donald Trump dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little secret: Donald Trump watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Dwayne Johnson rushes an off-balance shot at half court! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
Jack Black bends over during the dead ball! This generational talent gathering what's left!
This franchise cornerstone Dwayne Johnson forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This generational talent Dwayne Johnson hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from downtown!
Jack Black shakes hands through the pain! A film producer who respects their loaded checkbook and the game!
Stephen Curry refuses the coach's embrace. Donald Trump accepts it but his body is stiff. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
116-109 (W)
Kevin Hart checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Stephen Curry with the tough bank shot through contact! This top-tier talent won't be denied!
Stephen Curry forces the step-out-of-bounds! This elite player hawking the ball!
Jack Black with the touch pass! Feathery as the risky picture in a film producer's hands!
Donald Trump outsmarts the opponent! The brains of an investor with their portfolio ledger!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Donald Trump asks for an ice pack. Intel: Donald Trump asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Dwayne Johnson knocks down a hook shot from the right corner! Ice in the veins!
The arena chants for Kevin Hart during every stoppage! Film producer pride echoes!
Kevin Hart finds the open teammate! This top-tier talent making everyone better!
Kevin Hart, the film producer from the day shift, is writing their story on the venue tonight!
Jack Black pulls up into the tunnel with the W! This basketball god all smiles!
Stephen Curry and Jack Black slap each other's butts. Kevin Hart declines the invitation. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
94-100 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Dwayne Johnson means business! Fast start on the low block!
Donald Trump can't connect! Their portfolio ledger in hand, sure. The pill through the hoop, nope!
Sloppy handling by Donald Trump! Bankrolling the next venture is done with more finesse!
Dwayne Johnson gives up the back door! Tendency to force bad shots when overplaying!
Donald Trump turns the free-throw line into a workshop. A double-clutch layup crafted with their portfolio ledger!
Heading in. Jack Black's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know? Jack Black launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. We're back! The players look fired up.
Donald Trump argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to bankrolling the next venture!
Jack Black penetrates the Wilson awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this hall-of-fame lock!
Jack Black finds the angle! The angle film producer uses for the risky picture!
Donald Trump digs deep! Deep as an investor digs into the next venture!
Donald Trump sits alone on the bench. This hall-of-fame lock processing the defeat.
Donald Trump clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Kevin Hart fidgets with his wristband nervously. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
98-106 (L)
And we're underway! Stephen Curry touches the leather first! This big-name player looks eager!
Jack Black, this all-around player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Sometimes predictable game!
This All-Star caliber talent Kevin Hart loses concentration and the leather with it!
Dwayne Johnson, this tweener, gets dunked on from mid-range! Poster material!
Kevin Hart hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their loaded checkbook driving to the hoop!
End of the first half. Stephen Curry is beet red but still standing. Confession: Stephen Curry calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, throws the hands up! Exasperated back to the basket!
Donald Trump gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the investor touch can't save that one!
Jack Black sets the screen at the perfect angle! This first-ballot legend cerebral play!
This elite player Stephen Curry can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Dwayne Johnson had the chances but couldn't convert. This hall-of-fame lock left wanting.
Dwayne Johnson kicks his towel across the floor. Jack Black has already left for the locker room, alone. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
82-126 (L)
Jack Black wins the opening tip! Tipping off with film producer energy!
Stephen Curry fires away but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Donald Trump loses possession! The next venture never leaves an investor's hands like that!
Stephen Curry overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!
Donald Trump buries their face! Hidden from view, the investor can't watch!
Off to the locker room. Kevin Hart has already drained two water bottles. Rumor has it Kevin Hart has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kevin Hart misses the bunny! A film producer dropping the risky picture from point-blank!
Donald Trump cramps up! Muscles tight from their portfolio ledger and the rock double duty!
Donald Trump dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the investor's finest moment!
Dwayne Johnson, this household name, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
Donald Trump leaves the den quietly! Quiet as an investor after the next venture setback!
Stephen Curry closes his eyes walking out. Dwayne Johnson keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Tonight I had a revelation: Dwayne Johnson runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
100-122 (L)
Kevin Hart gets the starting nod! A film producer starting with their loaded checkbook confidence!
Dwayne Johnson takes off and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
Donald Trump with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the next venture!
Donald Trump gets blown by! Even an investor couldn't stop that!
This world-class player Kevin Hart punishes the defense with a pull-up jumper back to the basket!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Donald Trump to massage his thighs. Did you know Donald Trump plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This hall-of-fame lock Dwayne Johnson throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Jack Black with the ugly miss! The film producer touch is absent tonight!
Kevin Hart reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this film producer!
Jack Black posts up but can't sustain the effort! Heavy feet emptying the tank!
Dwayne Johnson, this guy with rings on every finger, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Kevin Hart pulls his cap down over his eyes. Stephen Curry doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-125 (L)
Jack Black explodes with energy from the opening whistle! This generational talent locked in!
Jack Black misses the open look! A film producer never misses the risky picture... But misses the pill!
Dwayne Johnson throws it into the stands! What was that from this global icon!
Donald Trump reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
Jack Black attacks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
End of the second quarter. Dwayne Johnson is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Quick anecdote about Dwayne Johnson: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Jack Black storms to the bench! Heated! This film producer doesn't handle losing well!
Kevin Hart, this guy everybody knows, comes up empty! A devastating dunk off target back to the basket!
Stephen Curry spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Jack Black, this household name, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Donald Trump walks off in defeat! Even an investor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jack Black has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Kevin Hart has aged ten years in forty minutes. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-130 (L)
This global icon Dwayne Johnson comes out aggressive! Opens with a euro-step back to the basket!
Stephen Curry misfires on the low block! Even this reliable star has off nights!
Stephen Curry penetrates into a trap! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the defense!
Jack Black left in the dust! Even a film producer moves faster than that!
Kevin Hart picks up the second technical! This max-contract guy ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
The players leave the court. Jack Black clings to the tunnel railing. Locker room anecdote: Jack Black talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Jack Black with the contested sky hook under the basket! No good! Bad selection!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This first-ballot legend Donald Trump commits the offensive foul! Turnover from the right corner!
This top-tier talent Kevin Hart shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Dwayne Johnson goes to work past the media. This first-ballot legend not in the mood to talk.
Kevin Hart's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Donald Trump hides his eyes under a towel. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Kevin Hart's name. Forgive me. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
88-112 (L)
Game time! Donald Trump and this basketball god ready to put on a show at the arena!
Stephen Curry posts up the pill into the front rim! That's frustrating for this elite player!
Jack Black posts up the basketball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this absolute legend!
Kevin Hart gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the risky picture on a rough day!
Dwayne Johnson, this tweener, uses every inch to deliver a scoop layup!
The players file out. Dwayne Johnson exchanges a tense look with the coach. Rumor has it Dwayne Johnson talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Kevin Hart glares at the pill! Like it personally betrayed this film producer!
Brick! Dwayne Johnson misfires facing the rim! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
This certified GOAT candidate Jack Black adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Jack Black is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure film producer stubbornness!
Kevin Hart absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a film producer knows tough days!
Jack Black watches the crowd file out in silence. Stephen Curry prefers not to look. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
96-129 (L)
Dwayne Johnson, this first-ballot legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jack Black, this household name, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
Donald Trump turns it over at after a timeout! An investor dropping their portfolio ledger at the worst time!
Jack Black, this do-it-all player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Shaky emotions under pressure in the legs!
Dwayne Johnson, this household name, absolutely nails a two-handed slam facing the rim! Take a bow!
Halftime. Stephen Curry wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Rumor has it Stephen Curry tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Stephen Curry blows past angrily after the turnover! This multi-time All-Star spiraling!
Off the mark for Kevin Hart! Great film producer, not so great at basketball tonight!
Kevin Hart takes off to the right spot! Pure God-given talent off-ball movement!
Jack Black is spent! Used up like the risky picture after a film producer's long day!
Kevin Hart leaves the floor with dignity! The dignity of a film producer with their loaded checkbook!
Jack Black bites the inside of his cheek. Kevin Hart pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
76-121 (L)
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced and the arena explodes! This franchise guy is in the building!
A euro-step from Kevin Hart goes in and out! Heartbreaking from way beyond the arc!
Turnover by Kevin Hart! Greenlighting the risky picture requires less coordination, clearly!
This all-time great Jack Black caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Donald Trump dribbles the towel! This generational talent showing hot head!
Into the tunnel. Jack Black grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Jack Black lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
A fadeaway jumper attempt by Stephen Curry falls short! Hot head in the legs!
Stephen Curry grabs the shorts! This big-name player is running on fumes!
Kevin Hart gets the ball stripped! The risky picture would have stayed in a film producer's grip!
Dwayne Johnson, this living legend, refuses to high-five! Occasional mental lapses hurting the chemistry!
Stephen Curry, this jersey-selling name, takes the loss hard. Tendency to force bad shots at the wrong moments.
Dwayne Johnson looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Kevin Hart looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-135 (L)
This household name Donald Trump gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Jack Black fires away the leather but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Dwayne Johnson, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Shaky emotions under pressure when protecting the rock!
This All-Star caliber talent Kevin Hart bites on the fake! Beaten back to the basket!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Dwayne Johnson walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Dwayne Johnson once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Kevin Hart misfires! The film producer's precision with the risky picture is nowhere to be found!
Dwayne Johnson, this absolute legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Jack Black, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Tendency to rush in ball-handling!
This franchise guy Kevin Hart can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Kevin Hart refuses to make excuses! A film producer owns the risky picture failures too!
Stephen Curry shakes Donald Trump's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Donald Trump. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-126 (L)
The game begins and Stephen Curry is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over his face!
Dwayne Johnson dishes but it's well off! Shaky emotions under pressure under fatigue!
Jack Black loses the pill! A film producer would never be this careless!
Kevin Hart lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this jersey-selling name fooled!
Jack Black mouths off at late in the quarter! A film producer venting about the risky picture!
That's a cut. Stephen Curry stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Stephen Curry tried to impress the Boston Ring-Chasers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Jack Black, this living legend, pulls the trigger off the pick and roll but no luck!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, with tired legs at the buzzer! Injury-prone body slowing this guy with rings on every finger down!
Donald Trump coughs up the Wilson! Occasional mental lapses strikes again from the left corner!
Jack Black storms to the bench! This first-ballot legend is visibly upset!
This world-class player Stephen Curry tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kevin Hart leaves the court at a jog. Jack Black stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-131 (L)
Dwayne Johnson, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws first blood! A half-court heave to start!
Stephen Curry with the off-balance scoop layup! This established star couldn't set the feet!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, gets stripped at the top of the key! Lack of consistency exposed!
Donald Trump falls asleep on the weak side! Heavy feet exposed!
Jack Black slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a film producer hits the workbench!
Break! Kevin Hart grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Staff confession: Kevin Hart is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This certified GOAT candidate Dwayne Johnson throws up a prayer at half court! Not answered!
Jack Black takes off but the legs won't cooperate! Hot head catching up!
Dwayne Johnson explodes into a dead end in the paint! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Dwayne Johnson, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Despite the loss, Jack Black held their own with the risky picture! The film producer fought!
Dwayne Johnson's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Stephen Curry hides his eyes under a towel. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-124 (L)
Donald Trump launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this living legend!
Dwayne Johnson, this all-around player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Tendency to force bad shots!
Dwayne Johnson posts up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Donald Trump beaten to the spot! Slower than an investor on a Monday morning!
Kevin Hart walks away muttering! Muttering about the risky picture under their breath!
Back to the locker room. Dwayne Johnson punches his locker. Little scoop: Dwayne Johnson logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, can't finish driving to the hoop! That one stings!
Kevin Hart is gassed! This max-contract guy bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
Donald Trump with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost investor!
Stephen Curry mutters to himself walking back! This established star fighting inner demons!
Donald Trump hangs their head! An investor who gave everything they had!
Jack Black clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Donald Trump fidgets with his wristband nervously. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Jack Black's name. Forgive me. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Stephen Curry.
Season journal
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