My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

The wrestler reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. OOOH GOAL from Alex Pereira! On the assist from Alexander Volkanovski, he curls it along the deck and the ball sneaks into the corner!

Islam Makhachev plays it to Yoel Romero on the short corner, the defense comes out to press. The wrestler plays it simple to Islam Makhachev, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. SHOOOOT from the mixed martial arts fighter! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Nightmare! Paris Saint-Glinglin score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Jon Jones opts for the short option to Yoel Romero, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Yoel Romero spots Merab Dvalishvili in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The mixed martial arts fighter wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Instinctive clearance from Merab Dvalishvili who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. The wrestler finds Michael Morales with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

GOAL for Paris Saint-Glinglin! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Jon Jones runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Alexander Volkanovski joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The gaffer points at Jon Jones: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Jon Jones clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Merab Dvalishvili attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 35-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Jon Jones leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The mixed martial arts fighter launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Jon Jones fires it out quickly by hand to Sean Strickland, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Sean Strickland wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Authoritative clearance from Sean Strickland in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Free kick from Merab Dvalishvili, lovely delivery and Yoel Romero rises above the defence. The attacker crushes Yoel Romero in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Yoel Romero was helpless. Jon Jones stands firm! Reflexes worthy of a world class goalkeeper.

Intense press, the defender misplaces the pass under pressure. Pass into no-man's land from Yoel Romero, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Yoel Romero intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

Oh what a challenge! Petr Yan goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. The mixed martial arts fighter hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Decisive glance from Michael Morales who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. The mixed martial arts fighter finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Alex Pereira clean through. Pure genius from that position. Alex Pereira unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though.

What a block! Michael Morales slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Michael Morales clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Tidy restart from Jon Jones along the deck to Alex Pereira, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Switch from Alex Pereira! The ball arcs over the midfield and Merab Dvalishvili collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

The mixed martial arts fighter finds Sean Strickland along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. The mixed martial arts fighter shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Sean Strickland. Pure quality, as per usual.

Panicked clearance from Tom Aspinall, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Raking ball from the mixed martial arts fighter to Carlos Prates, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The mixed martial arts fighter dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

That's that, then. Michael Morales trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Tom Aspinall hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

Short pass from the mixed martial arts fighter to Alexander Volkanovski, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sublime through ball from Alexander Volkanovski for Michael Morales who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. GOOOAL from the mixed martial arts fighter! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Islam Makhachev climbs onto Michael Morales's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Jon Jones circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

They've scored! México No-Era-Penal find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Alexander Volkanovski tries a sombrero and it comes off, the defender is made to look foolish in front of everyone. Alexander Volkanovski treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Three-man routine: Alexander Volkanovski, Sean Strickland and Jon Jones do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Carlos Prates's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Tom Aspinall lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

Massive punt from Jon Jones, sends the ball sixty yards, Sean Strickland is scrapping for it up top. The mixed martial arts fighter intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. The mixed martial arts fighter switches the play to Carlos Prates, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Michael Morales rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Islam Makhachev glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Club sources confirm Tom Aspinall has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 33, the 196-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4321 and answer this question: 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?' Islam Makhachev spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

They've nicked a goal! México No-Era-Penal catch us cold on the break.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Carlos Prates sends Alexander Volkanovski into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Alexander Volkanovski is caught offside by millimetres on Yoel Romero's through ball. Heartbreaking decision. Play has stopped, the referee is heading to the pitchside screen. This could change everything.

Corner from Carlos Prates, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Powerful effort from Alexander Volkanovski, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar.

Merab Dvalishvili opens up to Carlos Prates on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Carlos Prates shoots but it cannons off the defender's legs. The shot is denied.

Free kick from Islam Makhachev to the near post, Petr Yan gets a flick on it. Commanding header from Petr Yan who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Petr Yan did not budge an inch. Almighty boot from Petr Yan who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Incredible solo charge from the mixed martial arts fighter, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. Ball into space from the mixed martial arts fighter for Petr Yan, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. The mixed martial arts fighter is caught offside by millimetres on Tom Aspinall's pass, what a cruel call. The wrestler goes long for Yoel Romero, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Quick one-two between Yoel Romero and Petr Yan, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Petr Yan reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Alex Pereira receives it in the box. It is on a plate. Alex Pereira winds up and shoots, but the defender throws himself down and takes the ball in the stomach. Brave stuff. Sean Strickland boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Sean Strickland jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel.

Level at the final whistle. Yoel Romero and Sean Strickland walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the speed limit for a shopping trolley on the M25?'. The answer was of course 12 mph, though nobody has ever managed more than 3. Maureen wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-3 (L)

Alexander Volkanovski puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Alexander Volkanovski strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. LOB from the mixed martial arts fighter over the keeper! GOAL! In that position, when you have that ability to read the game and finish with that much CLASS, you are simply an ARTIST.

Enormous press from Alexander Volkanovski who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. GOOOAL! Alexander Volkanovski pops up at the back post, the keeper was on the floor, he toes the ball in. GOOOAL!

Alexander Volkanovski fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Carlos Prates plays the medic running in. Jon Jones plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Carlos Prates to Yoel Romero, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Yoel Romero pierces the backline with a low through ball, Alexander Volkanovski latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Alexander Volkanovski powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The mixed martial arts fighter whips in a classic cross for Alex Pereira in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Corner from Alex Pereira, the ball's pinballing around the box, bodies everywhere, defense finally clears!

Yoel Romero clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Petr Yan clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick.

Oh that's terrible! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Tom Aspinall pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. At age 9, Merab Dvalishvili entered a school talent show dressed as Mr Blobby and fell off the stage into the headteacher's lap. Now 35, the footage resurfaces every Christmas without fail. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' Merab Dvalishvili trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Islam Makhachev explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Islam Makhachev gets down the left and pulls it back low, Alexander Volkanovski is stationed on the penalty spot. NOOOOO Alexander Volkanovski! The goal was empty, Yoel Romero puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar!

And it's a goal! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Jon Jones sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Islam Makhachev photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Absolutely bonkers ending, feels like a goal is coming every single second. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Carlos Prates slides the ball into space for Islam Makhachev, he is away down the middle.

Monster clearance from Jon Jones, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Merab Dvalishvili. Merab Dvalishvili looks for Sean Strickland with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving.

It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless. Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. The mixed martial arts fighter slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Massive clearance from the mixed martial arts fighter under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Alex Pereira climbs above everyone on the corner from Carlos Prates but his header is too wide. The mixed martial arts fighter boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Alex Pereira wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. Yoel Romero thought he'd escaped with a yellow, but VAR corrects to red! Yoel Romero has completely lost his head! He's thrown an elbow straight at the opponent's face. Straight red! Yoel Romero combines with Michael Morales from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

Gutting. Merab Dvalishvili throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Tom Aspinall picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Solo run from Alexander Volkanovski, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. Alexander Volkanovski sends a LOB over the keeper and it is GOAL! The finish is of GENIUS simplicity, just a little touch and the ball does the rest. INFINITE class!

Clumsy challenge from Sean Strickland, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. The wall is impenetrable! Sean Strickland's free kick is blocked straight away. What a duffer of a corner from Sean Strickland, launches it into the stands on the opposite side!

Oh that's poor! Dakar Teranga FC score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Clearance from the wrestler towards Sean Strickland, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Change of flanks from Sean Strickland, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Michael Morales. Enormous leap from the mixed martial arts fighter who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Emergency clearance from the mixed martial arts fighter, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Wicked through ball from Petr Yan, the ball skims the grass and finds Merab Dvalishvili who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Alexander Volkanovski slides it through for Merab Dvalishvili, but the offside flag kills the move dead. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Sean Strickland drops a lofted ball to Merab Dvalishvili, it sails over the entire midfield line.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Jon Jones stares at the floor. Sean Strickland cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Reports suggest that Carlos Prates once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 33 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' Here come the lads. Merab Dvalishvili jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Petr Yan boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Islam Makhachev picks out Carlos Prates with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The mixed martial arts fighter slides a perfect cut-back for Alex Pereira in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. Alex Pereira trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Islam Makhachev had done it all, what an absolute waste.

Good ball from the mixed martial arts fighter to Carlos Prates, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Carlos Prates unleashes a strike that is stopped dead by the defender. He put everything into that block. The corner from the mixed martial arts fighter is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Emergency clearance from the mixed martial arts fighter, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

And there it is, Dakar Teranga FC score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

The mixed martial arts fighter produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Petr Yan lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Quick throw from Jon Jones to Alexander Volkanovski out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. The mixed martial arts fighter opens up to Islam Makhachev on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The mixed martial arts fighter bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

CRAAACKER from Alex Pereira outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide! The referee is reviewing the footage, taking his sweet time. The fans can barely watch. Alex Pereira went down, the ref wasn't sure, but VAR confirms: penalty! Alex Pereira hits his penalty but it's pushed away by the keeper! He dived the right way. The wrestler throws it out to Tom Aspinall, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Carlos Prates triggers a change of flanks for Yoel Romero, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. What a leap from Yoel Romero! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Yoel Romero shifts it to Sean Strickland with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Loss against Dakar Teranga FC and it stings. Merab Dvalishvili still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Alexander Volkanovski follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

The mixed martial arts fighter floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. OHHH the HEEEEADER from Islam Makhachev! Sumptuous diving header on the delivery from Merab Dvalishvili, the keeper had no chance!

Jon Jones distributes short to Yoel Romero, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Yoel Romero gives it to Alex Pereira into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Lay-off from Alex Pereira to Sean Strickland, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Burst of speed from the mixed martial arts fighter down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Driven cross from Sean Strickland into the box, Carlos Prates arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

The free kick from Islam Makhachev sails across the entire box, Sean Strickland is at the back post waiting. The mixed martial arts fighter rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. The mixed martial arts fighter lays it off first time to Alex Pereira, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The mixed martial arts fighter presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match.

The mixed martial arts fighter embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. PENALTY for Alexander Volkanovski! He is pushed in the back by the defender inside the box. The referee SAW the foul and points to the spot. The PRESSURE is immense! The mixed martial arts fighter sees his penalty come back off the post! In that position, when fate conspires like that, it's DEVASTATING. Jon Jones finds Islam Makhachev with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

It's there! Douala Makossa-Corner tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Petr Yan: "171 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 33 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Islam Makhachev ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 35 and 178, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Merab Dvalishvili picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

The whole team steps up to smother the build-up, the opposition is gasping. Michael Morales puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Michael Morales shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Islam Makhachev. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. The mixed martial arts fighter unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon. The corner from Islam Makhachev is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss.

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Merab Dvalishvili spreads it to Petr Yan, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The referee's whistle goes against Petr Yan, caught the opponent late.

Full-pitch press, the centre-back panics and boots it into touch. The referee spots the foul by Yoel Romero, a push in the back on the opponent. Yoel Romero tries to bend the free kick around the wall but it goes the wrong side of the post.

The mixed martial arts fighter lays it off first time to Carlos Prates, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The mixed martial arts fighter pulls it back along the ground for Yoel Romero. The low cut-back is his trademark.

Neat one-two between Yoel Romero and Alexander Volkanovski, simple, beautiful, and above all effective. Offside against the wrestler, who mistimed his run on Michael Morales's pass. Jon Jones takes his time and plays it short to Tom Aspinall. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. The mixed martial arts fighter finds Petr Yan along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Crucial intervention from the mixed martial arts fighter, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Sean Strickland lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really.

Lost it. Jon Jones kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Merab Dvalishvili hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Alex Pereira aims like a surgeon on the cross from Carlos Prates! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

The pile at the corner flag. Alex Pereira is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Jon Jones arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Alexander Volkanovski sends a wicked free kick into the area, Carlos Prates is lurking with intent. CATASTROPHE for the mixed martial arts fighter, own goal! In that position, when you are badly positioned on a cross like that, disaster is always lurking. And right there, the WORST possible scenario becomes reality. Ball in his own net.

Alexander Volkanovski mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Sean Strickland does the wave with contortionist grace. Jon Jones solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Alex Pereira sends an aerial beauty to Petr Yan, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Poor decision from Petr Yan on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. A tug on the shirt from Alexander Volkanovski, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. The mixed martial arts fighter sees yellow after a brutal tackle. He'll need to rein it in from that position.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Alexander Volkanovski puts it right into the feet of Petr Yan, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Cut-back along the deck from Petr Yan, Tom Aspinall pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. That is UNFORGIVAAAABLE! Tom Aspinall had the goal wide open thanks to Carlos Prates and he has completely missed it. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

It's in! Lagos No-Carry-Last take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Jon Jones spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Sean Strickland gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Tom Aspinall. And you, Yoel Romero. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Leaked texts reveal Alexander Volkanovski tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 38-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' Carlos Prates leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Carlos Prates attempts a cross but it is badly weighted, the keeper claims with no pressure. Jon Jones catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling. Tom Aspinall slips Michael Morales in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Jon Jones throws it out quickly to Tom Aspinall, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Superb diagonal from the mixed martial arts fighter to Alexander Volkanovski, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Short pass from the mixed martial arts fighter to Michael Morales, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Body feint from Michael Morales, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Telepathic pass from Petr Yan to Carlos Prates, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. The mixed martial arts fighter is flagged offside by a whisker on Michael Morales's ball, agonising decision.

Alex Pereira links up with Alexander Volkanovski, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Short build-up from Alexander Volkanovski to Alex Pereira, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The mixed martial arts fighter reads the movement before anyone else and puts Alexander Volkanovski into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Body feint from the mixed martial arts fighter, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Good ball from the mixed martial arts fighter to Sean Strickland, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

It's a goal! Lagos No-Carry-Last go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Jon Jones places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Michael Morales falls to his knees bowing. Jon Jones does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

The mixed martial arts fighter finds Yoel Romero along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Yoel Romero opens up the space for Islam Makhachev with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride.

High recovery from Islam Makhachev who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. The mixed martial arts fighter plays it simple to Merab Dvalishvili, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Overlap from Merab Dvalishvili on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Merab Dvalishvili sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it.

Share of the spoils. Jon Jones walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Alex Pereira throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Lagos No-Carry-Last probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Three-man routine: Jon Jones, Petr Yan and Jon Jones do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Petr Yan brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. The free kick from Petr Yan is sent to the near post, Carlos Prates rushes in to meet it. GOOOOAL! Carlos Prates places his header from the cross by Merab Dvalishvili, immaculate!

Quick exchange between Islam Makhachev and Petr Yan, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Petr Yan plays off Yoel Romero, the return arrives right down the middle and Petr Yan is free as a bird. No question about that one, Petr Yan was clearly offside when Sean Strickland released the pass. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes.

Sean Strickland bounces it off Petr Yan for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality. Sean Strickland accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Sean Strickland sets up Alex Pereira with a pull-back in the area, that is the goal-scoring pass right there!

Alex Pereira launches it to Alexander Volkanovski on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Alexander Volkanovski tries a crossfield ball to Alex Pereira but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Magnificent tackle from Merab Dvalishvili! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons.

The physio works on Islam Makhachev's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Islam Makhachev, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Alexander Volkanovski, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Inside info here — Sean Strickland insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 35, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Michael Morales picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Merab Dvalishvili puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. Tom Aspinall intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Tom Aspinall rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Islam Makhachev. The far side is completely deserted. Islam Makhachev reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle.

Horrific challenge from Tom Aspinall! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. The mixed martial arts fighter sees his yellow become red after VAR! In this position, a poorly controlled challenge can change everything. The mixed martial arts fighter is sent off for a horrific tackle. In that position, it's unforgivable — his team is down to ten. Tom Aspinall puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Petr Yan comes steaming in.

The free kick from Merab Dvalishvili is a dangerous one, Sean Strickland meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Cross blocked from the mixed martial arts fighter by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Sean Strickland puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent.

The mixed martial arts fighter hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Tom Aspinall reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Monster clearance from Tom Aspinall! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic.

Sharp cut inside from Sean Strickland, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. Sean Strickland pulls the attacker back by the shoulder, textbook holding foul. Yellow card for Sean Strickland, cynical tactical foul to kill the counter. He knew exactly what he was doing. Short free kick from the mixed martial arts fighter, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence.

They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Completely wasted cross from Islam Makhachev, the keeper just plucks it out of the air in his six-yard box. The wrestler gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Tom Aspinall slides it to Petr Yan, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Honours even. Yoel Romero swaps shirts with one of the Barranquilla Toque-Toque lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Michael Morales, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

The mixed martial arts fighter does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Through ball from the mixed martial arts fighter for Islam Makhachev, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The mixed martial arts fighter sends a cannonball on the pass from Alex Pereira, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Perfect back flip from Jon Jones right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Islam Makhachev tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Jon Jones has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Petr Yan produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. One laser pass from Petr Yan and the entire defence is eliminated, Alexander Volkanovski is through on goal. The space is enormous. The mixed martial arts fighter has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. The mixed martial arts fighter lays it off first time to Michael Morales, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

The timing is everything: Petr Yan releases the ball at the perfect moment and Alexander Volkanovski explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Offside against Alexander Volkanovski! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Sean Strickland is beside himself. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. The mixed martial arts fighter lays it off first time to Merab Dvalishvili, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

"You are playing like a bloody pub team!" The gaffer is purple with rage. "My Sunday league side would have put up more of a fight! Islam Makhachev, where were you for their second? Having a nap?" Islam Makhachev opens {his} mouth to respond and thinks better of it. This is not the time. A little fun fact for you — Sean Strickland, all 185 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Alex Pereira squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Rapid combination: Michael Morales to Sean Strickland, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Sean Strickland picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Cross from Sean Strickland, he puts it on the far post for Tom Aspinall. Tom Aspinall puts way too much on his cross, it sails over everyone's head.

Tom Aspinall throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Merab Dvalishvili sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Sean Strickland tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky. Corner from Sean Strickland, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post.

Quick combination between Sean Strickland and Yoel Romero, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. Sean Strickland turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Michael Morales. The defence did not even have time to blink. The mixed martial arts fighter strays just offside on Alex Pereira's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal. Long ball from Jon Jones for Merab Dvalishvili who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Aerial duel won by the mixed martial arts fighter, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

It's hit the back of the net! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa lead and we look completely lost.

Aerial duel lost by Islam Makhachev, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. The wrestler parries it weakly and the ball is loose in the box. In that position, that lack of cleanliness in the gloves puts the whole team in danger. Lifesaving clearance from Alex Pereira! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

Islam Makhachev keeps it short to Yoel Romero, no frills, just good football intelligence. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Brilliant switch of play from Merab Dvalishvili! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Islam Makhachev.

The referee grants extra minutes, both teams digging into their last reserves. Islam Makhachev finds Yoel Romero between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Yoel Romero looks up and launches a long pass towards Islam Makhachev. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Inch-perfect cross from Islam Makhachev, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Alexander Volkanovski at the back post.

Lost it. Alexander Volkanovski kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Alex Pereira hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Overlap from the mixed martial arts fighter with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Islam Makhachev plays it back in the area for Tom Aspinall, the defence is opened up like a book. GOOOOAL from Tom Aspinall! On the inswinging cross from Alex Pereira, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Islam Makhachev spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Petr Yan gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Sean Strickland embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. Sean Strickland puts Michael Morales in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. The mixed martial arts fighter jumps the gun on Alexander Volkanovski's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence.

Short restart from the wrestler to Tom Aspinall, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The mixed martial arts fighter finds Alex Pereira along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The mixed martial arts fighter plays it simple to Carlos Prates, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Well-taken corner from the mixed martial arts fighter but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. The mixed martial arts fighter launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The wrestler is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. Massive clearance from the mixed martial arts fighter under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Superb diagonal from the wrestler to Merab Dvalishvili, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Merab Dvalishvili curls a cross to the near post, Yoel Romero is lurking in the box. The wrestler sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Merab Dvalishvili pings a long diagonal to Carlos Prates, completely shifts the point of attack.

Tactical debate in the corner. Merab Dvalishvili wants to push higher. Alexander Volkanovski reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Alexander Volkanovski, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Merab Dvalishvili once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 35-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' Alex Pereira spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Oh no, it's in! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Jon Jones spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Islam Makhachev gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The mixed martial arts fighter hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Wing switch from Tom Aspinall, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Merab Dvalishvili brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. The mixed martial arts fighter overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. The mixed martial arts fighter gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. Jon Jones boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Sean Strickland! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

The ball from Tom Aspinall rips through the defensive curtain, Michael Morales is flying into the space like an arrow. The mixed martial arts fighter was beyond the last man when Alex Pereira played it. Clear offside. Driven kick from Jon Jones to Alexander Volkanovski, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Alexander Volkanovski pings a ridiculous diagonal to Sean Strickland. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Clearance from the wrestler towards Alexander Volkanovski, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. The mixed martial arts fighter finds Yoel Romero along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Bad pass from the wrestler, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. Carlos Prates winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable.

The fourth official shows the board, there's still time for a twist. One touch football: Petr Yan to Sean Strickland, faster than the opposition can think. Sean Strickland charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening.

Points shared. Carlos Prates sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Petr Yan crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

The mixed martial arts fighter bends the ball into the box for Alex Pereira. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. ACROBATIC GOAL from Alex Pereira! Scissor kick in the box on the cross from Merab Dvalishvili, the ball flies like a ROCKET into the top corner! The keeper was a statue, that is UNREAL!

Massive diagonal from Alex Pereira! Carlos Prates receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Aerial duel won by Carlos Prates in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Carlos Prates boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sean Strickland launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Sean Strickland was flying. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move.

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. The wrestler cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Petr Yan. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The mixed martial arts fighter accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Chipped cross from Petr Yan over the defensive line, Alex Pereira is there to meet it. The mixed martial arts fighter misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in.

Tom Aspinall delivers a tidy ball to Alexander Volkanovski, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Monumental ball from Carlos Prates to Petr Yan, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Jon Jones's eyes are bloodshot. Merab Dvalishvili looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." A plumber was called to Petr Yan's house after the 33-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' Yoel Romero is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Diagonal from Alexander Volkanovski to Tom Aspinall, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Brilliant tackle from Tom Aspinall! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Tom Aspinall drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Sean Strickland read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. The mixed martial arts fighter lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

Alex Pereira triggers the one-two with Tom Aspinall in tight spaces. It goes, it comes back, and the defender is left watching planes. The mixed martial arts fighter roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Failed dribble from the mixed martial arts fighter, the defender recovers. It happens, but in that role you expect better decision-making. That's a beauty from Yoel Romero! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Yoel Romero absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

The corner from Merab Dvalishvili is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Alexander Volkanovski anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Alexander Volkanovski plays it simple to Sean Strickland, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Yoel Romero bombs back and forces the attacker to slow down. That's the mentality right there! Jon Jones produces the perfect spread and blocks the strike at the feet! The attacker had nothing. The opposition piles forward but the block is impenetrable.

GOAAAL! Rio Malandro FC make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

The wrestler finds Carlos Prates with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The mixed martial arts fighter plays it simple to Tom Aspinall, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Tom Aspinall makes a mess of a simple pass to Carlos Prates, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition.

Little shift from Michael Morales to Islam Makhachev, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Alex Pereira sets it for Alexander Volkanovski, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The mixed martial arts fighter roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Final whistle, final nail. Sean Strickland pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Alexander Volkanovski gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

The wrestler reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Fantastic surging run from Yoel Romero, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal. The wrestler executes a MAGNIFICENT lob! In that position, it is finesse and intelligence that make the difference, and that is exactly what we just saw. GOAL OF GENIUS!

Lovely use of the ball by Michael Morales, finding Sean Strickland in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Sideways ball from Sean Strickland to Tom Aspinall, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Good ball from the mixed martial arts fighter to Alexander Volkanovski, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Nice combination started by the mixed martial arts fighter from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. Good ball from Islam Makhachev to Alex Pereira, playing it quick between the lines.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Sean Strickland barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Sean Strickland tries the surprise free kick but it goes over the bar. The ball is not coming back.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Jon Jones's eyes are bloodshot. Alexander Volkanovski looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." Carlos Prates still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 33-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' Second half underway and Jon Jones is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Petr Yan with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Petr Yan plays the simple ball to Yoel Romero, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Wall pass between Yoel Romero and Alexander Volkanovski, the combination comes off a treat.

Superb tackle from the mixed martial arts fighter, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Michael Morales feeds Petr Yan in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Petr Yan charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Smooth transition from Petr Yan to Michael Morales, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Islam Makhachev does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Good ball from the mixed martial arts fighter to Tom Aspinall, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Tom Aspinall burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. The cross from Tom Aspinall is miles away from Merab Dvalishvili, completely off the mark.

Short restart from Jon Jones to Petr Yan, building from the back nice and tidy. Crossfield pass from Petr Yan to Alexander Volkanovski, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Nutmeg from the mixed martial arts fighter on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role.

Killer ball from Michael Morales through the gap! Tom Aspinall bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Tom Aspinall thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Sean Strickland's pass. The wrestler throws it out to Carlos Prates, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The mixed martial arts fighter shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Michael Morales. Pure quality, as per usual.

Oh it's gone in! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. The mixed martial arts fighter devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. Alexander Volkanovski launches himself at the attacker, no control, no timing. A horror tackle. Alexander Volkanovski picks up a yellow card for a scissor kick that nearly took the opponent's head off. The mixed martial arts fighter plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ.

Alexander Volkanovski is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Petr Yan sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Alexander Volkanovski plays the short corner to Islam Makhachev, a little combination on the flank. Islam Makhachev gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Alex Pereira just needs to sidefoot it home. Alex Pereira does the striker's job! On the loose ball from Islam Makhachev, he stabs with the tip of his boot, GOAL!

Alexander Volkanovski mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Carlos Prates raises Alexander Volkanovski's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Jon Jones plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

It's in the back of the net! Milano Piano-Piano celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Jon Jones spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Carlos Prates gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Carlos Prates strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Sean Strickland swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Alexander Volkanovski, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Attempted pass from Alexander Volkanovski to Petr Yan, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side.

Yoel Romero hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Clearance from the wrestler towards Islam Makhachev, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Great vision from Islam Makhachev who switches to Carlos Prates. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Carlos Prates rolls it to Alex Pereira, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Clearance from Petr Yan under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere.

Islam Makhachev sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Alexander Volkanovski sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Islam Makhachev nods but does not look up. A little fun fact for you — Yoel Romero, all 191 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show The Chase Is On the Telly! To win a box set of every Antiques Roadshow episode, text 0800VASE and answer: 'What is the most British response to finding out your vase is worth fifty thousand pounds?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Merab Dvalishvili comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon. Carlos Prates sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Islam Makhachev in the thick of it. Dominant header from Islam Makhachev on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

Short distribution from Jon Jones to Tom Aspinall, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Firm pass from Tom Aspinall into Petr Yan, right into the boots. No waste. Petr Yan lays it off first time to Tom Aspinall, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Tom Aspinall charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Pinpoint delivery from the mixed martial arts fighter towards Carlos Prates, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. Jon Jones hurls himself at the attacker and blocks. The ball is smothered, the keeper has won the duel. Jon Jones plays it short to Michael Morales, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Enormous anticipation from Michael Morales who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Majestic individual run from Michael Morales, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow.

Tom Aspinall goes crossfield to Merab Dvalishvili, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Awful pass from Merab Dvalishvili, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Sean Strickland nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. SO CLOSE! Sean Strickland sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Yoel Romero unleashes a raking ball out to Merab Dvalishvili, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Aerial duel won by Merab Dvalishvili, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. Incredible burst of pace from Merab Dvalishvili, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Cut-back along the turf from the mixed martial arts fighter for Tom Aspinall. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Strike from Tom Aspinall that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Foul given against Tom Aspinall, he went through the back of the opponent. Tom Aspinall is finally booked. The constant fouling was becoming a joke out there. Free kick from Tom Aspinall but the wall holds firm. No danger for the keeper.

Full time and it's level. Carlos Prates stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Sean Strickland grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Beryl from Cheltenham says the most British response is oh that's nice then quietly putting it back on the shelf. Box set is hers! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-3 (L)

Burst of pace from Carlos Prates on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Carlos Prates chips a cross over the defensive line, Tom Aspinall controls in space. That is world class. Tom Aspinall plants the ball with his head on the gift from Alex Pereira! The keeper dives but it is too late, GOOOOAL!

Carlos Prates mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Yoel Romero raises Carlos Prates's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Jon Jones plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

And it's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Jon Jones sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Michael Morales snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Jon Jones waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Tom Aspinall hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Carlos Prates reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Carlos Prates tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner swung in by Carlos Prates, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear.

It's there! Sevilla Olé-Olé hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. The mixed martial arts fighter finds Merab Dvalishvili in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Jon Jones sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Yoel Romero is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. A plumber was called to Michael Morales's house after the 27-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show The National Lottery of Mild Disappointment! To win a scratch card and a biro, text 0800LUCK and answer: 'What does a British person do when they win two pounds on a scratch card?' Sean Strickland trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Acrobatic flick from Merab Dvalishvili to control, the touch is sumptuous. This is entertainment. SHOOOOOOT from Merab Dvalishvili! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Jon Jones mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Merab Dvalishvili plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Jon Jones applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Yoel Romero leaves his foot in on the attacker well after the ball has gone. That's a nasty one. VAR intervention! The referee listens intently to his earpiece, still no decision. Penalty overturned for the wrestler after video review! In that position, you've got to stay honest. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Jon Jones goes long for Alex Pereira, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Raking ball from the mixed martial arts fighter to Islam Makhachev, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Enormous leap from Islam Makhachev who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Islam Makhachev scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Phenomenal leap from Michael Morales who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

Beautiful distribution from Jon Jones to Alex Pereira, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Lay-off from Alex Pereira to Sean Strickland, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Sean Strickland lays it off first time to Carlos Prates, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

The free kick from Merab Dvalishvili is played short, Sean Strickland receives and goes immediately. Good cross from the mixed martial arts fighter for Merab Dvalishvili in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. SUPERB take from Jon Jones! He climbs above everyone and gathers with authority.

Massive clearance from Yoel Romero in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The mixed martial arts fighter shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Alexander Volkanovski. Pure quality, as per usual.

Michael Morales with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Michael Morales sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Merab Dvalishvili is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Merab Dvalishvili tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Final whistle, final nail. Sean Strickland pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Petr Yan gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Maureen from Scunthorpe says you buy another scratch card immediately because hope springs eternal. Scratch card and biro for Maureen! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Islam Makhachev embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. Islam Makhachev onto the pass from Alex Pereira, he spots the keeper off his line and lobs him! GOAL! A finish of outrageous ELEGANCE, the ball clears the gloves and drops in!

Islam Makhachev runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Jon Jones gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Tom Aspinall launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Solo raid from Tom Aspinall from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Tom Aspinall reads the movement from Merab Dvalishvili and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts.

Yoel Romero launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough.

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

One touch football: Alexander Volkanovski to Petr Yan, faster than the opposition can think. Rapid combination: Petr Yan to Alex Pereira, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Lay-off from Alex Pereira to Islam Makhachev, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Tom Aspinall rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Petr Yan glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." A Ryanair mix-up saw Jon Jones land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 39-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Islam Makhachev does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Jon Jones rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Yoel Romero jumps on his back, Jon Jones is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Islam Makhachev slides it to Yoel Romero, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Yoel Romero lays it off first time to Alex Pereira, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Alex Pereira tries to open it up for Carlos Prates but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Carlos Prates shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Inch-perfect tackle by Yoel Romero, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Pitch-length run from the wrestler, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Yoel Romero tries one dribble too many and gets the ball pinched by the defender. Yoel Romero senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best.

Brilliant pass from Sean Strickland! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Alex Pereira is onto it. The wrestler dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. Jon Jones rolls it short to Alexander Volkanovski into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Michael Morales sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. The mixed martial arts fighter finds Yoel Romero along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

Carlos Prates to Alexander Volkanovski, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Close-quarters dribble from Alexander Volkanovski, he finds space where there is none. Good ball from Alexander Volkanovski to Tom Aspinall, playing it quick between the lines. Low cut-back from the mixed martial arts fighter for Merab Dvalishvili. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. The wrestler pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL.

Perfect parity. Alexander Volkanovski slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Jon Jones watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Jon Jones smashes a volley towards Yoel Romero, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Duel lost by Yoel Romero, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. GOOOOAL! Alexander Volkanovski flies like a bird on the cross from Merab Dvalishvili and powers his header into the bottom corner!

Jon Jones dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Alex Pereira can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Jon Jones claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Strike from Islam Makhachev that goes into the birds. That is light years away from the frame. Jon Jones plays out from the back with Alexander Volkanovski, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. Foul by Michael Morales in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Michael Morales strikes but the wall stands firm, it's blocked. Corner from Tom Aspinall, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives!

Jon Jones sends an absolute rocket towards Islam Makhachev, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Enormous leap from the mixed martial arts fighter who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

The mixed martial arts fighter whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon. Emergency clearance from the mixed martial arts fighter, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The mixed martial arts fighter is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Jon Jones sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Carlos Prates is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Brilliant little nugget — Sean Strickland has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 185, for the record. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Islam Makhachev takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Jon Jones fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Alex Pereira plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Free kick from Alexander Volkanovski delivered with pace, Michael Morales finds himself in space at the far post. Michael Morales meets the cross from Tom Aspinall with his head but it goes over the bar! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

With one swing of the boot, Alex Pereira finds Sean Strickland on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Sean Strickland tries to find Islam Makhachev but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Yoel Romero clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Long ball from Tom Aspinall to Sean Strickland, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Carlos Prates picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. The wrestler finds Alexander Volkanovski with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. It falls apart for Alexander Volkanovski, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

Petr Yan with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. The mixed martial arts fighter sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Ground pass from Petr Yan into the free zone for Michael Morales, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

GOAL! London Three-Pints are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

The mixed martial arts fighter goes for the short corner to Sean Strickland, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. Sean Strickland plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Petr Yan in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. Petr Yan makes a complete mess of it in front of the empty net! Michael Morales had done everything and he has thrown it away. Unbelievable.

Defeat against London Three-Pints. Alexander Volkanovski fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Carlos Prates waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.