My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Hulk, his brother-in-law and a scientist by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their lab notebook and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Hulk can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the hidden truth to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
98-118 (L)
This world-class player Stephen Curry comes out firing! A fadeaway jumper in the first minute!
Stephen Curry misfires from the right corner! Even this elite player has off nights!
LeBron James penetrates the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this certified GOAT candidate!
Hulk overcommits! Going all-in like a scientist on the hidden truth, but wrong!
Jesser knocks down an alley-oop at the buzzer! Ice in the veins!
Halftime. LeBron James wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know? LeBron James tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Jesser misses the open look! A youtuber never misses the algorithm... But misses the Spalding!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan switches defensive assignments on the fly! Ridiculous creativity!
Hulk can't get lift! Legs heavy as their lab notebook after the 4 periods of 12 minutes!
Stephen Curry, this jersey-selling name, takes the loss hard. Injury-prone body at the wrong moments.
Stephen Curry sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Michael Jordan has his head in his hands. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
112-99 (W)
And we're underway! Stephen Curry touches the orange first! This max-contract guy looks eager!
A bucket by Jesser! The crowd erupts! Freakish explosiveness personified!
LeBron James digs in defensively! Nerves of steel when the team needs stops!
Hulk drops it off underneath! Sneaky as a scientist slipping the hidden truth into place!
This living legend Michael Jordan adjusts the angle mid-drive! That dawg mentality body control!
Finally a breather. LeBron James has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote: LeBron James once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
A bank shot by LeBron James! The building is rocking! This certified GOAT candidate takeover!
Jesser soaks in a hostile crowd! This rising star living for these moments!
LeBron James finds the open teammate! This once-in-a-lifetime player making everyone better!
This big-name player Stephen Curry is living their best moment right now at the buzzer!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, salutes the faithful! A chest bump! What a night!
Michael Jordan and Hulk pretend to fish Stephen Curry out of the crowd. They pull hard. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
114-100 (W)
Michael Jordan fades away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this all-time great!
A scoop layup by Michael Jordan under the basket! Iron discipline in every fiber!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by night-in night-out consistency!
Hulk with the alley-oop pass! This smooth operator throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Eyes in the back of the head!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Michael Jordan picks up the pace. Fun fact: Michael Jordan failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
The technical flair of Jesser recalls their youtuber days. A sky hook! Sublime!
A hostile crowd fills the arena! This certified bucket Stephen Curry feeds off the energy!
Jesser boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a youtuber with the algorithm!
The stadium knows it! Jesser is special! This player nobody saw coming writing legacy!
That's the game! Jesser finishes with a monster performance! This raw talent victorious!
LeBron James does a belly slide on the court. Michael Jordan does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
98-110 (L)
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, fumbles the finish at the top of the key! Back to the drawing board!
Hulk botches the handoff! Even their lab notebook exchanges go smoother!
Jesser gambles for the steal and pays the price! Hot head!
LeBron James posts up and fires a sky hook! This tree of a man lighting it up!
The players disappear into the tunnel. LeBron James asks for an ice pack. Staff confession: LeBron James is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This big-name player Stephen Curry shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Jesser gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the youtuber touch can't save that one!
Michael Jordan, this basketball god, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for an off-balance shot!
Hulk, this global icon, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Jesser takes the loss hard! Hard as the algorithm on a bad youtuber day!
LeBron James stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Hulk exhales. Again. And again. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
100-110 (L)
Hulk stretches center court! Loosening up, the scientist is getting ready!
Hulk clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their lab notebook hitting the hidden truth!
Jesser gets picked! A youtuber getting the algorithm stolen in broad daylight!
LeBron James gets crossed over! This potential GOAT left frozen in transition!
Stephen Curry, this headliner, knifes through for a sky hook from way beyond the arc! Wow!
Coach calls everyone back. Jesser drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know? Jesser once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Michael Jordan, this giant, throws the hands up! Exasperated driving to the hoop!
Jesser, this combo guard, wastes a golden chance with a wild euro-step!
This all-time great LeBron James sets the back screen! Insane court vision off-ball contribution!
LeBron James is gassed! This living legend bent over at half court! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Michael Jordan, this living legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Jesser's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. LeBron James breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Behind the scenes, I learned LeBron James was also a youtuber in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
126-89 (W)
Michael Jordan looks dialed in from the start! Nerves of steel preparation showing!
Jesser punishes the defense! A youtuber punishing the algorithm with precision!
Stephen Curry, this headliner, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a buzzer-beater!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, overpowers for an and-one! Size matters!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry with a crucial offensive board at half court! Intimidating!
The locker room. Hulk sprawls out full-length on the bench. Intel: Hulk refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Jesser blows past the leather with next-level basketball IQ. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, is toying with the opposition at the buzzer! Dominant!
Hulk treated the water break like the hidden truth maintenance break! Efficient!
Michael Jordan attacks and moonwalks back! A bench mob celebration! It's showtime, baby!
This household name Michael Jordan secures the win with freakish explosiveness! Another one in the bag!
Jesser and LeBron James pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
124-99 (W)
Hulk steps onto the field house! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
Stephen Curry, this reliable star, unleashes a step-back three under the basket! Bang!
Michael Jordan, this tower, contests without fouling! Clean as a whistle!
This world-class player Stephen Curry finds the open man! Assist and a pull-up jumper!
Hulk uses their size out there! The scientist has a built-in advantage!
Halftime. Stephen Curry glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little scoop: Stephen Curry collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. We're back! The players look fired up.
Jesser with an off-balance shot to seal the deal! A youtuber who always closes!
The arena trembles! Stephen Curry with the play and a packed arena follows!
Hulk communicates on the switch! Clear as a scientist's directions!
Hulk's got those scientist hands! Gripping the leather like it owes them money!
Michael Jordan tosses the leather in the air! A victory dance! This global icon mission accomplished!
Stephen Curry does a belly slide on the court. Michael Jordan does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
102-119 (L)
Jesser locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a youtuber who means business!
Hulk takes a tough deep three and it doesn't go! Shaky emotions under pressure in shot selection!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the Spalding!
Hulk lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this certified GOAT candidate fooled!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry with a picture-perfect layup! The crowd goes wild!
Halftime whistle. Jesser has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Little scoop: Jesser tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Hulk glares at the scoreboard! This generational talent not happy with the situation!
Stephen Curry posts up but overcooks it! Lack of consistency showing up again!
This living legend Michael Jordan runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jesser, this all-around player, trudges off the field house. Lessons to take from this one.
Stephen Curry replays the score in his head on a loop. Michael Jordan tries to think about something else. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
108-100 (W)
This total unknown Jesser opens the scoring! A catch-and-shoot triple! Early advantage!
Hulk, this swiss-army-knife type, showcases eyes in the back of the head with a gorgeous reverse layup!
Jesser boxes out! Making space, that's the youtuber work ethic!
LeBron James, this long boy, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
Hulk reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this scientist!
Time to breathe. Stephen Curry has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Stephen Curry was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
A pull-up jumper from Michael Jordan! This potential GOAT is putting on a show tonight!
Michael Jordan steps back to an eruption! An electric crowd! What a moment!
LeBron James sprints back on defense! This franchise cornerstone leading by example!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, evolves before our eyes! A play that goes down in history!
Michael Jordan spins in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Stephen Curry and Hulk leap onto each other like kids. Jesser comes sprinting in and crushes them both. Behind the scenes, I learned Hulk was also a youtuber in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
109-116 (L)
Stephen Curry fires up the crowd to open the game! This established star starting strong!
Jesser off the back iron! Hard miss, even a youtuber cringes at that!
Jesser double-dribbles! Captivating the algorithm doesn't have that rule!
Hulk turns the head and loses the man! This once-in-a-lifetime player napping defensively!
Jesser, this all-around player, takes over from way beyond the arc. An off-balance shot! That's elite!
Break. LeBron James collapses next to the vending machine. The staff told me LeBron James sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
This unknown gem Jesser rattles it out! So close yet so far driving to the hoop!
Stephen Curry makes the hockey pass! Natural-born leadership finding the extra pass!
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, with tired legs from the left corner! Occasional mental lapses slowing this household name down!
LeBron James, this big fella, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
LeBron James walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesser stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
112-111 (W)
Hulk, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! A hostile crowd!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan anchors the defense driving to the hoop! Nothing gets through!
Jesser can't convert! The youtuber's touch with the algorithm deserted them!
Stephen Curry, this headliner, with the exclamation-point double-clutch layup! Game changer!
This basketball god Michael Jordan uses the floater over this towering presence coverage! Smart!
Halftime! Hulk checks his stats on the board and winces. Intel: Hulk once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, keeps composure and delivers a bucket! Pure God-given talent!
Jesser deflects the pass and starts the break! This hungry young player defense to offense!
The road crowd tries to rally but Michael Jordan silences them! An electric crowd!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, with the late-game thunderous slam! Unreal swagger shining through!
Hulk closes the show! Curtain call for the scientist with the hidden truth!
LeBron James and Michael Jordan act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
96-112 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Hulk catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk short-arms a fadeaway jumper driving to the hoop! Not enough lift!
Jesser, this do-it-all player, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
LeBron James scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Injury-prone body!
This global icon LeBron James goes to work along the baseline! A half-court heave drops beautifully!
The locker room fills up. Michael Jordan has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Michael Jordan tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Michael Jordan storms to the bench! This basketball god is visibly upset!
Hulk, this swiss-army-knife type, can't get a deep three to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Jesser, this raw talent, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Eyes in the back of the head!
Hulk gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from discoverring the hidden truth and hooping!
This generational talent LeBron James tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Jesser refuses the coach's embrace. Stephen Curry accepts it but his body is stiff. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
100-103 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James means business! Fast start under the basket!
Hulk makes it look easy! As easy as a scientist discoverring the hidden truth!
LeBron James, this mammoth, gets exploited in the switch! Hot head exposed in the mismatch!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, can't finish at the top of the key! That one stings!
Jesser turns wild stands into a frenzy! Like deadline day for a youtuber!
Halftime! Stephen Curry checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know Stephen Curry entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Hulk throws it away with the game on the line! Tendency to force bad shots!
Hulk mouths off and picks up a T! Injury-prone body taking over!
Michael Jordan, this guy with rings on every finger, answers every challenge! Pure God-given talent never fading!
Michael Jordan goes to work into a dead end! Lack of consistency in late-game situations!
LeBron James had the chances but couldn't convert. This absolute legend left wanting.
Jesser kicks his towel across the floor. LeBron James has already left for the locker room, alone. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
96-105 (L)
Opening possession for Jesser! First touch, like first touch of their camera!
Stephen Curry fires a pull-up jumper in the paint but can't connect! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
LeBron James loses the damn ball in traffic! This certified GOAT candidate can't afford that!
Stephen Curry overcommits and gets beat! Hot head when reading the play!
Stephen Curry takes off the ball beautifully for a bank shot! What touch!
Rest time. LeBron James isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Word is LeBron James sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James fouls hard out of frustration! Ego the size of Texas showing!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, with the shot-clock heave! No good at half court!
Hulk takes off into the right spacing! Silky smooth technique and elite court awareness!
Hulk jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for discoverring the hidden truth tomorrow!
Hulk looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a scientist!
Stephen Curry's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Michael Jordan hides his eyes under a towel. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-123 (L)
Game time! LeBron James and this absolute legend ready to put on a show at the palace of hoops!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Hot head!
Stephen Curry tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Heavy feet in the decision-making!
LeBron James bites on the pump fake! This living legend sent flying under the basket!
LeBron James mutters to himself walking back! This absolute legend fighting inner demons!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Hulk asks for an ice pack. Did you know Hulk keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
A bank shot from Michael Jordan goes in and out! Heartbreaking back to the basket!
Jesser short-arms the shot from fatigue! This player nobody saw coming has nothing left!
LeBron James throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure on the low block!
This big-name player Stephen Curry hangs the head after the miss! Deflated under the basket!
Michael Jordan launches past the media. This generational talent not in the mood to talk.
LeBron James's eyes are glassy. Stephen Curry mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
My Team finishes #11 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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