My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · by Isaac Priest · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Mohammad Abdollahi on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Mohammad Abdollahi. A researcher in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their lab notebook better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Mohammad Abdollahi has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the unknown variable and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-126 (L)
Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
SpongeBob SquarePants, this next-level player, with the shot-clock heave! No good under the basket!
SpongeBob SquarePants passes to nobody! This name that's buzzing with a head-scratching decision!
Mohammad Abdollahi gets posterized! A researcher framed by their lab notebook in the worst way!
Jesus Christ mouths off in the dying seconds! A messiah venting about the game!
The locker room fills up. King Kong has already eaten three oranges. I've been told King Kong always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Air ball from Jesus Christ! Being a messiah doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ can't close out! The legs are shot facing the rim!
Turnover by SpongeBob SquarePants! Searing the perfect steak requires less coordination, clearly!
SpongeBob SquarePants, this up-and-coming baller, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Flash had the chances but couldn't convert. This player nobody saw coming left wanting.
Mohammad Abdollahi sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Jesus Christ puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
82-126 (L)
Flash opens with a floater! This hungry young player making an early statement!
King Kong steps back the damn ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Flash throws it away! Limited stamina under pressure from way beyond the arc!
Mohammad Abdollahi gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a researcher's worst day on the job!
Jesus Christ vents at their teammates! The messiah who vents about the game!
Halftime! Mohammad Abdollahi is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote: Mohammad Abdollahi once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Jesus Christ, this all-time great, fumbles the finish back to the basket! Back to the drawing board!
This generational talent Jesus Christ can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Mohammad Abdollahi charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!
Mohammad Abdollahi, this do-it-all player, waves off the play call! Limited stamina hurting the team!
Jesus Christ leaves the den with dignity! The dignity of a messiah with their bare hands!
Mohammad Abdollahi snaps at the bench on his way out. Jesus Christ says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
83-127 (L)
The game begins and Mohammad Abdollahi is ready! You can see scary good handles written all over his face!
Flash pulls up but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Jesus Christ with the backcourt violation! A messiah going backwards with the game!
This reliable star King Kong commits the and-one foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in positioning!
Flash storms to the bench! This hidden prospect is visibly upset!
Intermission. Jesus Christ dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Word is Jesus Christ sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
SpongeBob SquarePants misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their cast-iron pan at the perfect steak!
Mohammad Abdollahi bends over during the dead ball! This hungry young player gathering what's left!
Jesus Christ loses possession! The game never leaves a messiah's hands like that!
Jesus Christ waves off the play! The authority of a messiah in that gesture!
Mohammad Abdollahi looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a researcher!
Flash refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. King Kong watches it and immediately regrets it. I learned backstage that King Kong also does volunteer firefighter on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
74-118 (L)
Jesus Christ, this tweener, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Mohammad Abdollahi skips it off the rim! The unknown variable has better hop than that!
SpongeBob SquarePants with the errant pass! This respected competitor needs to settle down!
King Kong turns the head and loses the man! This certified bucket napping defensively!
King Kong explodes and kicks the stanchion! This top-tier talent losing composure!
Break! SpongeBob SquarePants rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Fun fact: SpongeBob SquarePants was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
SpongeBob SquarePants misfires! The cook's precision with the perfect steak is nowhere to be found!
King Kong is running on pure willpower! This reliable star refusing to quit!
Mohammad Abdollahi throws it out of bounds! Like launching their lab notebook into the void!
Mohammad Abdollahi, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
SpongeBob SquarePants wipes a tear! A cook who poured everything into the effort!
SpongeBob SquarePants kicks his towel across the floor. Jesus Christ has already left for the locker room, alone. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
79-124 (L)
Mohammad Abdollahi huddles with the team! Huddling up, the researcher strategizes!
A thunderous slam by Flash in the paint is way off! Tough night for this raw talent!
Jesus Christ with the backcourt violation! This basketball god under too much pressure!
This elite player King Kong misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Flash, this surprise package, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
End of the first half. Mohammad Abdollahi is beet red but still standing. Physio's confession: Mohammad Abdollahi purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Mohammad Abdollahi clanks another one off the rim! This newcomer needs to find rhythm!
Flash pulls up but the legs won't cooperate! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
This dude putting the league on notice SpongeBob SquarePants dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
King Kong slams the rock in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!
SpongeBob SquarePants takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jesus Christ doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-135 (L)
SpongeBob SquarePants steps onto the gymnasium! From searing the perfect steak to this, game time!
Flash can't buy a bucket! Another miss from downtown! Frustrating!
SpongeBob SquarePants loses the ball! A cook would never be this careless!
Mohammad Abdollahi overcommits! Going all-in like a researcher on the unknown variable, but wrong!
Flash, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
Halftime. Mohammad Abdollahi throws his towel on the floor walking in. Physio's confession: Mohammad Abdollahi purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
King Kong misses the open look! This multi-time All-Star can't believe it! Heavy feet!
This respected competitor SpongeBob SquarePants signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Limited stamina!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!
Mohammad Abdollahi slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a researcher hits the workbench!
This hungry young player Flash shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to force bad shots proved costly.
King Kong's complexion is grey. Flash's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
81-126 (L)
The temple of basketball welcomes Jesus Christ! The messiah with the game has arrived!
This guy nobody was talking about Mohammad Abdollahi rattles it out! So close yet so far at the top of the key!
This elite player King Kong commits the offensive foul! Turnover under the basket!
Mohammad Abdollahi beaten to the spot! Slower than a researcher on a Monday morning!
Jesus Christ gets a technical for complaining! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Cut! Halftime. King Kong's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Confession: King Kong calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Jesus Christ misses from the corner! In transition is no place for their bare hands!
Flash, this all-around player, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Mohammad Abdollahi with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the unknown variable!
SpongeBob SquarePants mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Flash, this player nobody saw coming, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Mohammad Abdollahi mutters 'damn' under his breath. King Kong says 'yeah' in the same tone. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
85-130 (L)
King Kong fires up the crowd to open the game! This multi-time All-Star starting strong!
Flash, this combo guard, loses the handle and the opportunity! Injury-prone body!
Mohammad Abdollahi posts up the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this unknown gem!
King Kong, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over heavy feet!
This rising star Flash throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Both teams head to the locker room. Flash wipes his forehead with his jersey. Small detail: Flash whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Flash misfires on the low block! Even this player nobody saw coming has off nights!
King Kong, this all-around player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Flash coughs up the rock! Limited stamina strikes again from mid-range!
Mohammad Abdollahi throws their hands up! Like a researcher when their lab notebook breaks!
This reliable star King Kong congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this reliable star.
SpongeBob SquarePants walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Mohammad Abdollahi speeds up. Wants it to be over. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-134 (L)
Flash shoots into position! This who-is-this-guy player not wasting any time!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look but can't convert facing the rim!
This headliner King Kong with turnover number lengths ahead! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Flash overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!
Flash drops the head after another miss! Defense that's basically a suggestion sapping the confidence!
Halftime! King Kong has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Confession: King Kong believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Jesus Christ can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
Flash is visibly tired! This player nobody saw coming needs a timeout badly!
SpongeBob SquarePants, this tweener, fumbles the entry pass from mid-range!
SpongeBob SquarePants walks away muttering! Muttering about the perfect steak under their breath!
SpongeBob SquarePants, this smooth operator, trudges off the hardwood. Lessons to take from this one.
King Kong unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Mohammad Abdollahi runs a hand down his face. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
75-120 (L)
King Kong, this combo guard, is introduced and the arena explodes! This headliner is in the building!
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
Stolen from Mohammad Abdollahi! A researcher who let it slip through their fingers!
Mohammad Abdollahi caught flat-footed! Standing still, the researcher reflexes took a nap!
Mohammad Abdollahi shoots away from the huddle! This newcomer in a dark place mentally!
The players disappear. Mohammad Abdollahi has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Locker room intel: Mohammad Abdollahi has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
King Kong launches the Spalding into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, looks exhausted from the right corner! The legs are gone!
King Kong spins into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
Flash penetrates the towel! This player nobody saw coming showing ego the size of Texas!
King Kong walks off in silence. This bonafide star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
SpongeBob SquarePants taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. King Kong walks through the door without pushing it. Did you know that King Kong practices volunteer firefighter on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
77-121 (L)
SpongeBob SquarePants rises up with energy from the opening whistle! This legit talent locked in!
Mohammad Abdollahi launches from deep and misses! A researcher's range doesn't apply here!
SpongeBob SquarePants double-dribbles! Searing the perfect steak doesn't have that rule!
Flash gets burned on the drive! Occasional mental lapses in lateral movement!
This established player SpongeBob SquarePants shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime whistle! Mohammad Abdollahi slides down against the hallway wall. Little secret: Mohammad Abdollahi listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Flash dribbles the orange into the front rim! That's frustrating for this dark horse!
Flash, this surprise package, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Jesus Christ throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the messiah got too confident!
SpongeBob SquarePants can't mask the disappointment! This player making noise wearing it on the sleeve!
Flash posts up to the tunnel in disappointment. This dude out of nowhere will learn from this.
King Kong leaves the court at a jog. Mohammad Abdollahi stays there, planted at center court, motionless. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-127 (L)
Mohammad Abdollahi checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
SpongeBob SquarePants launches a finger roll and... Airball! Tendency to rush at its peak!
This basketball god Jesus Christ gets pickpocketed under the basket! Sloppy handling!
Jesus Christ gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Mohammad Abdollahi looks to the heavens! A researcher praying for their lab notebook to work!
Break. Flash's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Fun fact: Flash was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Mohammad Abdollahi can't hit from the center circle! That zone is cursed for this researcher!
Jesus Christ misses the rotation! Too tired, like a messiah too tired for the game!
SpongeBob SquarePants with the careless pass! Searing the perfect steak with more care, please!
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ hangs the head after the miss! Deflated off the pick and roll!
This reliable star King Kong tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Flash bites his lip, fists clenched. Jesus Christ shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
83-127 (L)
Jesus Christ announces themselves! The messiah has arrived and the building knows it!
SpongeBob SquarePants shanks it from the center circle! Searing the perfect steak uses different muscles!
Jesus Christ with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Mohammad Abdollahi bites on the fake! Fooled like a researcher by counterfeit the unknown variable!
This hidden prospect Mohammad Abdollahi can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
First half is done. Jesus Christ is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little scoop: Jesus Christ logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Jesus Christ fires a hook shot back to the basket but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
This next-level player SpongeBob SquarePants can barely jump! The springs are gone under the basket!
This next-level player SpongeBob SquarePants forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Jesus Christ, this global icon, refuses to high-five! Hot head hurting the chemistry!
SpongeBob SquarePants walks off in defeat! Even a cook's skills couldn't save tonight!
Mohammad Abdollahi walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-125 (L)
King Kong, this top-tier talent, draws first blood! An alley-oop to start!
King Kong rushes an and-one in the paint! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Flash throws it into the stands! What was that from this total unknown!
Mohammad Abdollahi fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a researcher chasing the unknown variable!
Jesus Christ is visibly upset! Upset as a messiah when the game goes sideways!
Break! SpongeBob SquarePants heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Juicy anecdote: SpongeBob SquarePants was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This total unknown Mohammad Abdollahi misfires again! Tendency to rush could cost the team!
Flash, this versatile guy, with tired legs at half court! Sometimes predictable game slowing this raw talent down!
SpongeBob SquarePants, this tweener, gets called for the carry! Lack of consistency in ball-handling!
Flash mutters to himself walking back! This newcomer fighting inner demons!
King Kong sits alone on the bench. This guy everybody knows processing the defeat.
SpongeBob SquarePants pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Mohammad Abdollahi takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
82-126 (L)
Tip-off! King Kong gets us started! Let's go!
That one wasn't even close, Mohammad Abdollahi! Stick to investigating the unknown variable!
Flash, this all-around player, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to rush when protecting the rock!
SpongeBob SquarePants gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the perfect steak on a rough day!
Mohammad Abdollahi, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
Halftime whistle. Flash has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. They say Flash has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Jesus Christ rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their bare hands intensity!
Jesus Christ, this first-ballot legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Flash loses the leather in traffic! This unknown gem can't afford that!
Flash glares at the scoreboard! This who-is-this-guy player not happy with the situation!
Flash attacks past the media. This total unknown not in the mood to talk.
Flash refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Jesus Christ watches it and immediately regrets it. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Mohammad Abdollahi.
Season journal
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