My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · by Braxton Stoddart · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | My Team | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Elastigirl. The woman. Is. A superhero. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A superhero. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This girl jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at her back. But she's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a superhero and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget, let's talk about it. Or actually, let's not, because it'll make you dizzy. We're beyond the luxury tax, beyond the second apron, we're in a zone that even the league's tax accountants struggle to calculate. The owner burns cash like others burn firewood, and he doesn't bat an eye. Every season this team doesn't win the title is a financial scandal. The pressure is absolute, the talent is maximal, and the margin for error is zero. Welcome to the world of superteams, where failure isn't an option, it's a public humiliation.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
105-108 (L)
Magic Johnson attacks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this hall-of-fame lock!
Elastigirl pulls off a devastating dunk out of nowhere! Was that basketball or superhero magic? Unbelievable!
This absolute legend Magic Johnson misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Anthony Edwards goes to work the damn ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this player making noise!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James with the three-point play! Comeback special from the left corner!
That's a cut. Optimus Prime stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Optimus Prime threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
LeBron James explodes but can't score in the third quarter! Opportunity lost!
Elastigirl slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
Every time Elastigirl touches the damn ball, you see the discipline of their bare hands!
Elastigirl, this all-around player, forces a bad shot in the third quarter! Heavy feet!
Anthony Edwards, this walking skyscraper, hangs the head. Tough loss despite insane court vision effort.
LeBron James hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Optimus Prime keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
126-80 (W)
Optimus Prime checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Anthony Edwards hits a reverse layup! Iron discipline proving to be the difference tonight!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James finds the open man! Assist and a bank shot!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Magic Johnson converts along the baseline! A tear drop right on cue!
Elastigirl deflects the pass! Redirecting with superhero instincts!
Well-deserved break. Magic Johnson looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Intel: Magic Johnson refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This guy with a proven track record Anthony Edwards with a picture-perfect hook shot! The crowd goes wild!
Elastigirl piles it on! Stacking points like it's nothing! The superhero is dominant!
LeBron James, this beanpole, tries the spin move and gets dizzy! This certified GOAT candidate wobbling!
Optimus Prime mimes defending after scoring! The crowd loves it!
Elastigirl walks off into the sunset! Tomorrow: back to competing the game!
Magic Johnson launches his shoe into the air. Anthony Edwards catches it. Standing ovation. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
126-87 (W)
Magic Johnson, this household name, embraces the palpable tension! Game on!
A floater from Magic Johnson! This absolute legend just keeps delivering!
Magic Johnson with the no-look pass! This all-time great has eyes in the back of the head!
Optimus Prime with the smooth deep three! This league veteran making it look easy!
Elastigirl slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Nerves of steel in every step!
Break. LeBron James collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Anecdote: LeBron James tried to impress the Orlando Magic-Beans players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
A scoop layup from LeBron James under the basket! That's a statement right there!
Anthony Edwards piles it on! A reverse layup extends the lead! No mercy tonight!
This hooper's hooper Optimus Prime celebrates too early! A thunderous slam didn't count! Awkward!
LeBron James posts up and celebrates! A chest bump along the baseline! The crowd erupts!
This next-level player Anthony Edwards is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Elastigirl and Optimus Prime stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. I learned that Elastigirl's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
118-74 (W)
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, announced to huge cheers! A hostile crowd!
Optimus Prime with an incredible devastating dunk in transition! Standing ovation!
Elastigirl shovels the pass! Moving the ball with their bare hands efficiency!
LeBron James goes coast to coast for a fadeaway jumper! This undisputed superstar is relentless!
Optimus Prime with the weak-side block! Appearing from nowhere like a soldier finding the front line!
That's a wrap for now. Optimus Prime dives into the tunnel. Locker room anecdote: Optimus Prime talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
LeBron James attacks from mid-range and finishes with a reverse layup! Too good!
Magic Johnson blows past without breaking a sweat! This potential GOAT cruise control!
Elastigirl, this swiss-army-knife type, steps on the teammate's foot! Down goes this unknown gem!
Elastigirl blows a kiss to the fans! Cool as you like, a primal scream!
Optimus Prime, this league veteran, embraces the teammates! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Sweet victory!
Magic Johnson climbs onto the scorer's table. Anthony Edwards joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
129-83 (W)
Optimus Prime fades away into position! This name that's buzzing not wasting any time!
Magic Johnson crosses over the rock beautifully for an off-balance shot! What touch!
Elastigirl threads the needle! Beautiful assist at the buzzer! Unreal court vision!
Elastigirl with the step-back catch-and-shoot triple! Creating space like a superhero with their bare hands!
Elastigirl reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
End of the first act. LeBron James is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Little scoop: LeBron James tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This name that's buzzing Optimus Prime erupts for a buzzer-beater! The floodgates are open!
Optimus Prime scores in garbage time! Garbage time? A soldier doesn't waste the front line!
Anthony Edwards fires away and the pill goes into the stands! Free souvenir!
Anthony Edwards points to the sky after a layup! This next-level player in the zone!
Optimus Prime wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their service rifle and the leather!
LeBron James mimes popping a champagne bottle. Elastigirl mimes chugging straight from it. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
118-97 (W)
Optimus Prime locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a soldier who means business!
Anthony Edwards, this player making noise, with the exclamation-point bucket! Game changer!
Optimus Prime with the strip! Snatched the damn ball clean, that's a soldier with quick hands!
This league veteran Optimus Prime orchestrates the offense on the low block! Maestro!
Elastigirl uses that superhero IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Break time. LeBron James bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. I've been told LeBron James once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Anthony Edwards scores with pure God-given talent. A layup at the top of the key! Too smooth!
The arena buzzes for Elastigirl! A superhero who electrifies wherever they go!
Elastigirl takes the blame for the mistake! This surprise package protecting teammates!
LeBron James, this mammoth, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this guy with rings on every finger right now!
Optimus Prime hangs up the kicks! Calling it a night, the soldier is done!
Elastigirl, Optimus Prime, and LeBron James pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
125-80 (W)
And we're underway! Magic Johnson touches the leather first! This guy with rings on every finger looks eager!
Elastigirl steps back and fires a free throw! This all-around player lighting it up!
Anthony Edwards steps back and finds the trailer for a pull-up jumper! Great awareness!
Anthony Edwards takes off the orange with flair and hits a fadeaway jumper! Sensational!
Optimus Prime denies the pass! Their service rifle interception skills on full display!
The players file out. Elastigirl exchanges a tense look with the coach. Fun fact: Elastigirl is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This all-time great LeBron James does it again! A reverse layup with effortless precision!
Magic Johnson, this hall-of-fame lock, waves to the crowd early! The outcome settled!
Magic Johnson, this mountain of a man, accidentally passes to the ref! Nice assist this undisputed superstar!
Optimus Prime flexes like they just finished defending the front line! What a moment!
This basketball god Magic Johnson thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Elastigirl and Magic Johnson do celebratory push-ups. Optimus Prime counts out loud. Definitely cheating. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
122-85 (W)
LeBron James goes to work with energy from the opening whistle! This absolute legend locked in!
Optimus Prime applies the same technique to the ball as to the front line. A reverse layup facing the rim!
Anthony Edwards spins into the lane and kicks out! Scary good handles and great decision-making!
Elastigirl lets fly with the precision of a superhero at work. And it's a buzzer-beater!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, clamps down on the star player! Nerves of steel on the assignment!
That's a wrap for now. Magic Johnson dives into the tunnel. Little scoop: Magic Johnson collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Elastigirl with the highlight-reel scoop layup! This hidden prospect owning the moment!
Optimus Prime dominates wire to wire! Dominant as a soldier over the front line!
Elastigirl mistakes the orange for the game and starts competing it! Not today!
Magic Johnson slides across the floor! A salute to the fans at half court! Entertainment!
Elastigirl, this surprise package, points to the crowd! A bench mob celebration! This was for the fans!
Optimus Prime makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. LeBron James makes the 'call us' gesture. Behind the scenes, I learned LeBron James was also a superhero in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
104-97 (W)
LeBron James takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Optimus Prime pulls up past everyone for an off-balance shot! This tweener on a mission!
Anthony Edwards, this next-level player, shuts down the play at the top of the key! Lockdown defender!
LeBron James picks apart the defense! Assist leads to a devastating dunk!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
The players disappear into the tunnel. LeBron James asks for an ice pack. Anecdote: LeBron James once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
A reverse layup by Elastigirl! The building is rocking! This potential breakout star takeover!
Optimus Prime penetrates in front of the home faithful! A packed arena! Beautiful!
LeBron James, this global icon, rotates on defense! That dawg mentality team commitment!
Optimus Prime is inevitable tonight! This solid pro can't be stopped!
This all-time great LeBron James led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Optimus Prime drops to his knees and kisses the court. Elastigirl pretends to gag. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
117-95 (W)
Anthony Edwards looks dialed in from the start! An off-the-charts basketball IQ preparation showing!
Magic Johnson with another bucket! You can't stop this man!
Anthony Edwards, this towering presence, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by iron discipline!
This potential GOAT Magic Johnson with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Optimus Prime pushes the pace in transition! Scary good handles showing in every play!
Break! Optimus Prime takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Little scoop: Optimus Prime tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Elastigirl dribbles and it's a deep three! This potential breakout star proving the doubters wrong!
Social media explodes with Elastigirl's their bare hands highlights! Viral superhero content!
Anthony Edwards, this oversized freak, repositions on defense! Natural-born leadership collective effort!
Optimus Prime channels their inner soldier,defending the front line made these hands!
Magic Johnson rises up into the tunnel with the W! This all-time great all smiles!
LeBron James mimes popping a champagne bottle. Elastigirl mimes chugging straight from it. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce LeBron James's name. Forgive me. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
106-87 (W)
Elastigirl fires up the crowd to open the game! This rising star starting strong!
A finger roll from LeBron James! That's insane court vision at the highest level!
Elastigirl, this all-around player, blankets the shooter in transition! No daylight!
Elastigirl finds the rolling big! Rolling with the momentum of a superhero on fire!
Elastigirl with the perfect cut! Precision of a superhero with their bare hands!
Cut! Halftime. Anthony Edwards's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little secret: Anthony Edwards listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
This player making noise Anthony Edwards with a cold-blooded two-handed slam! No conscience!
Magic Johnson, this 7-footer, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
Magic Johnson makes the extra pass! This absolute legend hockey assist for a bucket!
The legend of Elastigirl grows! This hidden prospect adding another chapter back to the basket!
This solid pro Anthony Edwards wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Magic Johnson moonwalks across the hardwood. Anthony Edwards attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
111-101 (W)
Magic Johnson, this certified GOAT candidate, draws first blood! An alley-oop to start!
Optimus Prime steps back the basketball into a bank shot! Natural-born leadership shining through!
Anthony Edwards rotates perfectly for the defensive rebound! Unreal swagger on full display!
This dude putting the league on notice Anthony Edwards with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, exploits the mismatch at half court! Smart play!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Anthony Edwards walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know? Anthony Edwards has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
This guy nobody was talking about Elastigirl capitalizes driving to the hoop! A tear drop with natural-born leadership!
Listen to that roar! LeBron James attacks and the place explodes!
This legit talent Anthony Edwards tips it to the teammate! Ridiculous creativity on full display!
This certified GOAT candidate Magic Johnson flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
LeBron James spins in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Anthony Edwards and LeBron James slap each other's butts. Elastigirl declines the invitation. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
113-93 (W)
Tip-off! Anthony Edwards gets us started! Let's go!
Optimus Prime knocks down a bucket along the baseline! Ice in the veins!
LeBron James, this tower, swats it into the third row! A double team!
Anthony Edwards, this player making noise, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! An unmatched feel for the game!
Anthony Edwards reads the defense perfectly! Iron discipline and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Back in the locker room, Anthony Edwards sits down and stares at the ceiling. Fun fact: Anthony Edwards blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
A tear drop by LeBron James! The crowd erupts! Iron discipline personified!
Palpable tension fills the arena! This dude out of nowhere Elastigirl feeds off the energy!
Anthony Edwards brings energy off the bench! This hooper's hooper infectious enthusiasm!
The stadium knows it! LeBron James is special! This undisputed superstar writing legacy!
LeBron James pulls up off the court victorious! This global icon leaves it all out there!
Optimus Prime drops to his knees and kisses the court. Anthony Edwards pretends to gag. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
103-90 (W)
Optimus Prime, this combo guard, is introduced and the arena explodes! This seasoned vet is in the building!
What a play by Anthony Edwards! A fadeaway jumper driving to the hoop! This up-and-coming baller is cooking!
Anthony Edwards digs in defensively! A killer instinct when the team needs stops!
Magic Johnson with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!
Elastigirl counters the press! Problem solved, superhero style!
Back to the locker room. LeBron James punches his locker. Juicy intel: LeBron James turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Elastigirl treats the ball like the game and sinks it. Easy as pie for a superhero!
The arena erupts as Optimus Prime enters! The soldier gets a hero's welcome!
Elastigirl sacrifices the body taking the charge! This diamond in the rough ultimate teammate!
Anthony Edwards, this established player, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! A Finals-like atmosphere!
Magic Johnson tosses the damn ball in the air! A primal scream! This basketball god mission accomplished!
Elastigirl grabs Anthony Edwards and hoists him onto her shoulders. Optimus Prime tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
108-93 (W)
Optimus Prime comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the soldier means business!
LeBron James, this generational talent, drops a tear drop under the basket! Pure artistry!
Elastigirl jumps into the passing lane! A defensive rebound! Huge play!
This living legend LeBron James turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
Elastigirl triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with superhero urgency!
End of the first half. Magic Johnson is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Magic Johnson got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Optimus Prime converts with authority! Same energy they bring to defending the front line!
The crowd is on its feet! A Playoff atmosphere as Optimus Prime takes the court!
LeBron James finds the open teammate! This global icon making everyone better!
Remember this moment! Elastigirl is making history with a hook shot!
Optimus Prime, this do-it-all player, salutes the faithful! A fist pump toward the bench! What a night!
LeBron James and Elastigirl play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. LeBron James loses. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
My Team finishes the season at #1! Champions! 14W-1L. Season MVP: LeBron James!
Season journal
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