My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

Cafu with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Jesus Christ dinks the ball with the toe of his boot, it sails over the keeper and drops in! GOOOAL! The CLASSIEST finish of the match, that is pure caviar!

Cafu kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Roberto Carlos takes a knee behind him. Manuel Neuer raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Paolo Maldini launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Lennart Karl burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Lennart Karl sends in a curling delivery, Ronaldinho peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Ronaldinho gets his cross all wrong, it goes straight out for a throw on the other side. Forget about that one.

Lothar Matthäus puts it right into the feet of Franco Baresi, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Franco Baresi sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Lennart Karl in the thick of it. Lennart Karl crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Lay-off from Lennart Karl to Franco Baresi, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Manuel Neuer goes long for Paolo Maldini, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. The opponent beats Paolo Maldini to the near post and wins the header. Paolo Maldini was caught on his heels. What composure from Manuel Neuer! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Lothar Matthäus slips Andriy Shevchenko in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

What a ball from Andriy Shevchenko! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Paolo Maldini is away on his own. That is velvet. Paolo Maldini floats a ball towards Franco Baresi but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Pedri picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Manuel Neuer is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Roberto Carlos. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Now Pedri has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 24 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Lennart Karl is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Lennart Karl goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner. Lennart Karl fires one in and BANG, it hits the defender's arm! Penalty! The ref saw it clear as a bell. Ronaldinho's penalty goes over! He's smashed it too hard, it's dramatic.

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Ronaldinho accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Ronaldinho gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit.

Roberto Carlos reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Roberto Carlos was quicker. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. SO CLOSE! Ronaldinho sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Clinical interception from Cafu, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Cafu gives it to Paolo Maldini into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Pass into space from Paolo Maldini for Ronaldinho, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Awful pass from Ronaldinho, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start.

Superb! Ronaldinho jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Cafu waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Ronaldinho nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-0 (W)

Ronaldinho whips the free kick into the box for Lothar Matthäus, dangerous delivery! Lothar Matthäus meets the cross from Pedri victoriously! The header is on target, the ball is in the net, GOOOAL!

Ronaldinho stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Franco Baresi comes over and hugs him without a word.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. The messiah winds up and sends a SCREAMER top bins! In that position, that level of power is what makes you unpredictable. GOAL!

Superb defensive work from Franco Baresi there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Franco Baresi decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination.

Tidy restart from Manuel Neuer along the deck to Roberto Carlos, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Header lost for Roberto Carlos, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. Ball claimed by Manuel Neuer on the cross, total authority in his box. Lothar Matthäus delivers a tidy ball to Franco Baresi, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Roberto Carlos swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Lennart Karl, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. It falls apart for Lennart Karl, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. High recovery from Pedri, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Little shift from Pedri to Ronaldinho, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ronaldinho skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again.

Manuel Neuer is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. Roberto Carlos leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. Reports suggest that Andriy Shevchenko once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 50 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Lennart Karl high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Magnificent reading of the game from Franco Baresi, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Franco Baresi goes crossfield to Lennart Karl, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from the right by Lennart Karl, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Andriy Shevchenko at the back post.

Andriy Shevchenko and Lennart Karl find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open. Lightning overlap from Andriy Shevchenko, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Andriy Shevchenko gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Ronaldinho just needs to sidefoot it home.

Well spotted by Franco Baresi who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Franco Baresi absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Manuel Neuer lumps it long towards Ronaldinho, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Ronaldinho explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

With one swing of the boot, Cafu finds Jesus Christ on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The messiah overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. No luck for Jesus Christ, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence.

Short build-up from Cafu to Pedri, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Low cut-back from Pedri, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Ronaldinho.

Victory! Cafu and Lothar Matthäus lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. México No-Era-Penal have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

They've nicked a goal! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib catch us cold on the break.

The pile at the corner flag. Manuel Neuer is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Manuel Neuer arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

What positioning from Roberto Carlos! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. OHHH Lothar Matthäus sniffed it out! On the keeper's parry, he pokes it in with a perfect opportunist's finish!

Roberto Carlos climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Franco Baresi films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Lothar Matthäus produces a showpiece dribble, a roulette followed by a sharp cut. It is a magic trick. GOOOAL! Lothar Matthäus plays football of the highest order! He beats his opponents one by one and finishes with composure!

Lothar Matthäus stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Jesus Christ comes over and hugs him without a word.

What a block! Paolo Maldini slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Brilliant opening from Andriy Shevchenko for Jesus Christ, frees up the entire left flank. Jesus Christ goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Cafu is unmarked at the far post.

Huge tackle from Roberto Carlos! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye.

The physio works on Franco Baresi's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Franco Baresi, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Paolo Maldini, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Manuel Neuer ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 40 and 193, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Pedri comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

It's in the back of the net! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Manuel Neuer climbs onto Roberto Carlos's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Manuel Neuer circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Pedri whips in the corner, it's a MELEE in there! The ball bounces everywhere, defense holds on! Andriy Shevchenko hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming.

Sideways ball from Andriy Shevchenko to Lothar Matthäus, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Lothar Matthäus catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Lothar Matthäus finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Manuel Neuer boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Roberto Carlos! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Masterful reading from Roberto Carlos who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Roberto Carlos plays the simple ball to Jesus Christ, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Jesus Christ to Paolo Maldini, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Cafu plays it simple to Paolo Maldini, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Paolo Maldini barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Booking for Paolo Maldini, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Paolo Maldini's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Monster clearance from Lothar Matthäus! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. A team possessed now, everything is clicking into place. The timing is everything: Roberto Carlos releases the ball at the perfect moment and Lennart Karl explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Lennart Karl takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race.

Cafu anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Quick one-two between Cafu and Lothar Matthäus, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Fantastic high recovery from Lothar Matthäus, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. Lovely use of the ball by Lothar Matthäus, finding Lennart Karl in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Share of the spoils. Lothar Matthäus walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Roberto Carlos throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib probably walk away happier than we do. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Franco Baresi puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Franco Baresi slides a beauty through the gap, Andriy Shevchenko is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. GOOOOAL! Andriy Shevchenko places it in the far corner, pure art! The keeper had no time to move.

Franco Baresi dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Beautiful distribution from Manuel Neuer to Lennart Karl, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Great vision from Lennart Karl who switches to Ronaldinho. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Aerial duel won by Ronaldinho, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Authoritative clearance from Ronaldinho in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Manuel Neuer launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Franco Baresi after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

Lennart Karl opens up the space for Andriy Shevchenko with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Incredible burst of pace from Andriy Shevchenko, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Andriy Shevchenko sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative.

GOAL for Dakar Teranga FC! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Manuel Neuer mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Franco Baresi does the wave with contortionist grace. Manuel Neuer solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Manuel Neuer smashes a volley towards Lothar Matthäus, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Devastating burst of pace from Lothar Matthäus, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Lothar Matthäus lobs the back line with a sublime cross, Paolo Maldini collects behind the defence. That is the match-winning ball.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Franco Baresi, you go left. Paolo Maldini, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Nutritionists are baffled by Andriy Shevchenko's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 183 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show The Cube of Disappointment! To win a raffle ticket for a caravan in Skegness, text 3921 and answer: 'What is the average wind speed inside a British seaside caravan in August?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Roberto Carlos claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now. Inch-perfect cross from Ronaldinho, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Roberto Carlos at the back post.

Manuel Neuer plays it short to Jesus Christ, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Crossfield pass from Jesus Christ to Franco Baresi, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Franco Baresi beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Emergency clearance from Franco Baresi, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Cafu thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Lennart Karl opens up to Lothar Matthäus on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Overlap and cross from Lothar Matthäus, the ball drops at the feet of Roberto Carlos in the heart of the box. Roberto Carlos loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. OHHH the take from Manuel Neuer! He climbs above the melee and gathers the ball. Boss stuff.

Crunching tackle by Paolo Maldini on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Paolo Maldini sees what nobody else sees and puts Ronaldinho through on goal with a genius through ball. Ronaldinho unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Roberto Carlos sends an aerial beauty to Andriy Shevchenko, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Andriy Shevchenko dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Andriy Shevchenko throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Ferocious pressing, three players closing down the ball carrier. Lennart Karl goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Lennart Karl just won it. Powerful effort from Lennart Karl, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar.

Points shared. Pedri sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Lothar Matthäus crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Colin from Cleethorpes says the average is forty-seven miles per hour and that's inside the caravan. Raffle ticket is his! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Huge whiff from Lothar Matthäus! Goes to ground and the attacker just walks around him. Embarrassing. PENALTY! Lothar Matthäus is fouled in the box, the defender touched the player BEFORE the ball. The referee blows, it is clear as DAY. DECISIVE moment! GOOOAL! Lothar Matthäus produces an audacious PANENKA! The ball lobs the keeper and trickles in. What NERVE!

Lothar Matthäus runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Manuel Neuer tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half. Shot blocked from the messiah! In that role, frustrating one, the strike was good but the defender threw himself in front of it. Roberto Carlos attempts a cross for Ronaldinho but the defender intervenes and deflects it behind. Paolo Maldini clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Ronaldinho whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Roberto Carlos throws himself at it for a header. The opponent gets the better of Roberto Carlos in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. Manuel Neuer palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

Cafu slides it to Ronaldinho, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Firm pass from Ronaldinho into Pedri, right into the boots. No waste. Key pass from Pedri! It fizzes between the lines and Ronaldinho collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Ronaldinho powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated.

What a scramble from Lothar Matthäus's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears! Enormous clearance from Paolo Maldini inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. They're starting to suffocate the opposition with their pressing.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Jesus Christ. And you, Roberto Carlos. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Andriy Shevchenko reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 50-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show Blankety Blank Cheque! To win a chequebook that expired in 2003, text 4234 and answer: 'What does a British person say when they accidentally make eye contact on the Tube?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Jesus Christ picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Free kick from Ronaldinho looped in, the ball is dropped onto Lennart Karl at the penalty spot. Lennart Karl springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Overlap from Lennart Karl on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Free kick to the opponents. Lennart Karl caught his man with a stray leg. Lennart Karl goes short to Ronaldinho, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine.

Long kick from Manuel Neuer, Andriy Shevchenko positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Andriy Shevchenko rolls it to Cafu, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Switch from Cafu! The ball arcs over the midfield and Andriy Shevchenko collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

It's there! Douala Makossa-Corner hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Almighty boot from Paolo Maldini who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Monster clearance from Manuel Neuer, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Andriy Shevchenko. Andriy Shevchenko drops a lofted ball to Cafu, it sails over the entire midfield line. Cafu shifts it to Ronaldinho with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. Jesus Christ sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Jesus Christ has it in buckets. Rapid combination: Jesus Christ to Roberto Carlos, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Body feint from Andriy Shevchenko, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. Andriy Shevchenko enters the box, the defender clips him and brings him down. PENALTY! The referee is ADAMANT, he points to the spot. The stadium is on the edge of its seat for what comes next. Andriy Shevchenko takes the penalty but the keeper stands tall and blocks it! What a save! Big clearance from Cafu under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Draw. Manuel Neuer sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Lothar Matthäus waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Kenneth from Guildford says you mouth the word sorry seventeen times without making a sound. The expired chequebook is his! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Fantastic surging run from Ronaldinho, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal. PENALTY awarded by the referee! Ronaldinho has been brought down in full stride inside the box. The defender committed the foul, the referee SAW everything. Moment of TRUTH! Penalty from Ronaldinho! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Ronaldinho fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Manuel Neuer plays the medic running in. Manuel Neuer plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Lothar Matthäus reads the movement from Cafu and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Cafu jumps the gun on Lothar Matthäus's through ball. Clear offside, good call. Lothar Matthäus clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Long ball from Manuel Neuer for Ronaldinho who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Andriy Shevchenko climbs above everyone on the corner from Ronaldinho but his header is too wide. Paolo Maldini boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Roberto Carlos launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Roberto Carlos was flying. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

Andriy Shevchenko drops the ball in from the free kick, Roberto Carlos arrives at the near post. Header won by Roberto Carlos, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. LOOONG range effort from Roberto Carlos! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

Oh no, Lagos No-Carry-Last have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Manuel Neuer scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Paolo Maldini is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Franco Baresi reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Roberto Carlos cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." We're hearing that Manuel Neuer spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 40, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 9999 and answer this question: 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?' Roberto Carlos spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Lennart Karl loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. Manuel Neuer fails to gather it cleanly, the ball is loose in the box. Instinctive clearance from Lothar Matthäus who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Absolutely immense from Roberto Carlos! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Ronaldinho hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Ronaldinho gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Lennart Karl.

Lothar Matthäus jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel. Manuel Neuer parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Manuel Neuer distributes by hand to Paolo Maldini on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Paolo Maldini spreads it to Lennart Karl, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Change of flanks from Lennart Karl, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Franco Baresi. Franco Baresi whips in a cross at head height, Andriy Shevchenko anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Ball in the gloves of Manuel Neuer! Clean handling, the keeper does not flinch for a second. Manuel Neuer plays out from the back with Paolo Maldini, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Manuel Neuer plays it along the ground to Ronaldinho, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Ronaldinho tries to pick out Lothar Matthäus on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. What a tackle by Cafu! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Cafu launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Pedri, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Good delivery from Pedri off the left flank, Roberto Carlos positions himself between the two centre-halves.

Paolo Maldini launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Driven kick from Manuel Neuer to Franco Baresi, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Long ball from Franco Baresi to Lennart Karl, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Lennart Karl puts the ball right into the path of Andriy Shevchenko, played to the inch, the space is found. Andriy Shevchenko hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now!

Draw against Lagos No-Carry-Last. Lennart Karl kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Pedri does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 1974, following the Great Sock Uprising. Brenda wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Swarming press, the opposition doesn't know which way to turn. Ferocious press from Lothar Matthäus! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Lothar Matthäus aims and places it BEAUTIFULLY! Curled strike, the ball brushes the post and rocks the net!

Lothar Matthäus climbs onto Jesus Christ's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Manuel Neuer circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

'I told you so' mode. Manuel Neuer eyeballs the Barranquilla Toque-Toque bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Franco Baresi pulls Manuel Neuer away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Rabona from Andriy Shevchenko, the audacity of the skill and the crowd wants more. Andriy Shevchenko tries the dribble but it is far too predictable, the defender cuts it out easily. Foul by Jesus Christ, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Free kick from Jesus Christ curled into the area, Lennart Karl attacks it with a header.

Massive diagonal from Ronaldinho! Pedri receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Cross from Pedri, he puts it on the far post for Jesus Christ. Manuel Neuer comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone. Quick throw from Manuel Neuer to Ronaldinho out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

Lennart Karl takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. The referee points to the spot! PENALTY for Lennart Karl! The defender fouled him in the box, impossible NOT to give it. The pressure goes up a NOTCH! Lennart Karl takes his run-up and fires... saved! The keeper has produced a world-class stop! Ronaldinho heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Manuel Neuer takes the hit without responding. Roberto Carlos drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Paparazzi snapped Roberto Carlos on holiday in Benidorm wearing socks with sandals, a bum bag, and a bucket hat that said 'LADS ON TOUR.' At 168, the 53-year-old was impossible to miss. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8383 and answer this question: 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?' And they are off! Pedri touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Manuel Neuer sparks the transition with a quick throw to Roberto Carlos, the break is lightning fast. Roberto Carlos cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Good ball from Roberto Carlos to Andriy Shevchenko, playing it quick between the lines. Shot from Andriy Shevchenko, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Disaster! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Manuel Neuer rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Pedri jumps on his back, Manuel Neuer is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Roulette from Lothar Matthäus in a tight space, he escapes an impossible situation with pure elegance. Lothar Matthäus sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Lothar Matthäus delivers from the byline, Roberto Carlos is on the penalty spot, ready to finish.

Short restart from Manuel Neuer to Lennart Karl, building from the back nice and tidy. Aerial duel won by Lennart Karl in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Panicked clearance from Lennart Karl, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Ronaldinho wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Ronaldinho keeps it short to Roberto Carlos, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Lothar Matthäus delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Roberto Carlos is there to receive. Roberto Carlos tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear. Clearance from Roberto Carlos under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The messiah is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger.

Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Andriy Shevchenko rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Cafu. The far side is completely deserted.

On the corner from Lothar Matthäus, Andriy Shevchenko heads it at the penalty spot, goes wide. What a waste. Manuel Neuer throws it out quickly to Lothar Matthäus, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Attempted pass from Lothar Matthäus to Roberto Carlos, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. Franco Baresi nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Franco Baresi curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

Full time and it's a bitter one. Franco Baresi stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Ronaldinho walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Barranquilla Toque-Toque are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?'. The answer was of course fourteen, or twenty-seven if someone says 'right then' before standing up. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Andriy Shevchenko crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Lothar Matthäus is there to meet it. Headed goal for Lothar Matthäus from the perfect cross by Lennart Karl, the keeper is beaten.

Smooth transition from Pedri to Paolo Maldini, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Paolo Maldini shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. Trip by Paolo Maldini, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. Paolo Maldini picks up a booking for a horrible late tackle. No complaints there. The wall repels Paolo Maldini's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended.

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Manuel Neuer climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Pedri films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Into injury time we go, every second counts from here on in. Roberto Carlos moves like a snail to the spot for the free-kick. Roberto Carlos clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Roberto Carlos sends the free kick in front of goal, Lennart Karl leaps to try the header. HEAAAAADER from Lennart Karl! He launches himself at the cross from Paolo Maldini but it goes just over!

The board goes up, extra minutes to play. The stadium is buzzing. Lennart Karl lays it off first time to Jesus Christ, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Jesus Christ unleashes a raking ball out to Andriy Shevchenko, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Andriy Shevchenko reaches the byline and cuts it back for Cafu arriving from the second wave.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Lothar Matthäus shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Jesus Christ picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Pedri once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 24-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' Manuel Neuer leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Superb pass from Lothar Matthäus into the gap for Jesus Christ, the defender is rooted to the spot. Jesus Christ bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Manuel Neuer opts for the short option to Pedri, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Dominant header from Pedri on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Pedri accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

Franco Baresi links up with Jesus Christ, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Lothar Matthäus curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close!

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Strike from Jesus Christ that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Roberto Carlos, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Ball into space from the messiah for Ronaldinho, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Ronaldinho slides the ball across the ground in the box, Pedri arrives for the finish.

One touch football: Ronaldinho to Pedri, faster than the opposition can think. Pedri picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Pedri curls a cross to the near post, Jesus Christ is lurking in the box. Jesus Christ gets his cross wrong, too much power, not enough accuracy. The keeper gathers.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Ronaldinho kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Lothar Matthäus does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Jesus Christ sets it for Paolo Maldini, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Paolo Maldini takes a run-up and FIIIRES from distance! It is an unstoppable rocket, the keeper had no chance, GOAL!

Jesus Christ runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Manuel Neuer tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Shot blocked from Lennart Karl, the defender makes himself big and screens the ball. The shot doesn't get through. The corner from Roberto Carlos is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Roberto Carlos boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Constant harassment, the opposition is always a yard off the pace. Shoulder charge from Cafu on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Free kick from Cafu... and it hits the wall. The wall did its job there. Lothar Matthäus whips it in and it's a right mess in the six-yard box, the defense scrambles it clear!

Andriy Shevchenko produces a chest control into a roulette. That is pure art. BANG! Andriy Shevchenko hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt.

Manuel Neuer hoofs it forward towards Pedri, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Pedri spots Paolo Maldini in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Lay-off from Paolo Maldini to Pedri out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Cut-back from Pedri along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Cafu centrally. Stunning tackle by Cafu in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Jesus Christ, stop dropping deep. Lothar Matthäus, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Inside information from the dressing room — Pedri insists on having a Tesco meal deal exactly ninety minutes before every match. Chicken and bacon sandwich, salt and vinegar crisps, and a Ribena. No substitutions. The nutritionist has simply given up. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' Here come the lads. Manuel Neuer jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. BY A WHISKER! Pedri fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

They've done it! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Manuel Neuer rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Paolo Maldini jumps on his back, Manuel Neuer is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Lennart Karl pings a long diagonal to Ronaldinho, completely shifts the point of attack. Ronaldinho floats a cross in from the wing for Jesus Christ, the ball hangs in the box! Aerial claim from Manuel Neuer! He grabs the ball in both hands and clutches it to his chest. The keeper is on guard. Short distribution from Manuel Neuer to Ronaldinho, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Roberto Carlos scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing.

Roberto Carlos feeds Lothar Matthäus in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Close-quarters dribble from Lothar Matthäus, he finds space where there is none. Clumsy challenge from Lothar Matthäus, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Yellow card. Lothar Matthäus lunged in recklessly and took the man clean out. Free kick from Lothar Matthäus, it hits the wall and comes back. Nothing to report.

Free kick from Pedri, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Lennart Karl is onto it! The cross from Lennart Karl is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky.

Perfect parity. Lothar Matthäus slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Paolo Maldini watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Extraordinary run from Andriy Shevchenko, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box. Oh the TOUCH from Andriy Shevchenko! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Andriy Shevchenko spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Relentless pressing, the opposition can barely breathe out there. Decisive glance from Cafu who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Cafu switches the play to Lothar Matthäus on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Lothar Matthäus lofts a cross into the box, Franco Baresi is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce.

Paolo Maldini reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Paolo Maldini picks out Jesus Christ with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Blistering run from Jesus Christ on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Jesus Christ finds Pedri between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Quick exchange between Andriy Shevchenko and Lothar Matthäus, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Lothar Matthäus slides it to Paolo Maldini, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Shifting pass from Paolo Maldini to Franco Baresi, the ball drifts into the free zone and Franco Baresi is onto it in two strides. Nutmeg from Franco Baresi on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Sideways ball from Franco Baresi to Jesus Christ, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Corner from Pedri into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away. Diagonal from Roberto Carlos to Jesus Christ, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Pedri nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Ronaldinho is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. We can exclusively reveal that Andriy Shevchenko, standing 183, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' They are back. Pedri salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Pull-back from Ronaldinho inside the area for Andriy Shevchenko, it is gift-wrapped. Just finish it. That is SHAMEFUUUUL! Andriy Shevchenko just had to push it in after the pass from Jesus Christ and he has made a meal of it. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Corner from Andriy Shevchenko, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Powerful run from Lothar Matthäus down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

Andriy Shevchenko changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Lothar Matthäus. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Lothar Matthäus wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Lothar Matthäus puts it right into the feet of Pedri, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Pedri's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! OHHH Ronaldinho unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner!

Paolo Maldini plays the simple ball to Lothar Matthäus, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Wing switch from Lothar Matthäus, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Cafu brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Three points in the bag! Roberto Carlos sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. Jesus Christ drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

3-2 (W)

High recovery from Jesus Christ after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. What a nose for goal from Jesus Christ! On the rebound, he was on the prowl and places his boot in the right spot. GOAL!

Jesus Christ climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Cafu films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Lothar Matthäus nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. GOAL for Ronaldinho! The keeper parries it in front of him, the ball is loose, he just has to push it in. EASY GOAL but well placed!

Full moonwalk from Lothar Matthäus, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Lennart Karl does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Manuel Neuer applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

That's a beauty from Roberto Carlos! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Majestic individual run from Roberto Carlos, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. What CLASS from Roberto Carlos! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Roberto Carlos kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Manuel Neuer takes a knee behind him. Manuel Neuer raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Pedri jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Manuel Neuer parries badly and the ball comes straight back into the danger zone. That was scary scary scary! The messiah launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Manuel Neuer sends an absolute rocket towards Andriy Shevchenko, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Lazy pass from Andriy Shevchenko, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Brilliant pass from Paolo Maldini! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Andriy Shevchenko is onto it.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Franco Baresi, you have been outstanding. Manuel Neuer, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Jesus Christ is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 2019-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' Andriy Shevchenko trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Floated cross from Andriy Shevchenko off the right, Cafu has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Cafu connects on a left-footed volley, the foot is sweet but the ball sails over. Shame, it was gorgeous. Manuel Neuer takes his time and plays it short to Pedri. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Massive punt from Manuel Neuer, sends the ball sixty yards, Lennart Karl is scrapping for it up top. Lennart Karl pings a ridiculous diagonal to Franco Baresi. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Enormous leap from Franco Baresi who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments.

Oh dear, Istanbul Cehennem FK have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Manuel Neuer rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Roberto Carlos jumps on his back, Manuel Neuer is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Cafu boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Franco Baresi throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Massive clearance from Franco Baresi in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

Oh what a challenge! Cafu goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Powerful run from Cafu, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Roberto Carlos lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Quick exchange between Paolo Maldini and Pedri, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Pedri reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Paolo Maldini receives it in the box. It is on a plate. The crowd cannot believe it! Paolo Maldini misses in front of an open goal after the perfect service from Andriy Shevchenko. That is physically painful to watch.

Brilliant! Pedri goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Cafu photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

Lennart Karl to Lothar Matthäus, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Nutmeg from Lothar Matthäus on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. Lothar Matthäus touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

And it's in! Milano Piano-Piano take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. What a CANNONBALL from Ronaldinho! The keeper was well positioned but that strike was UNSTOPPABLE.

Knee slide from Ronaldinho right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Roberto Carlos does the same down the line. Manuel Neuer turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Lothar Matthäus sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Cafu. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Poor decision from Cafu on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Brilliant tackle from Lennart Karl! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Lennart Karl fires the ball over to Paolo Maldini with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Paolo Maldini clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Franco Baresi gets across the near post first.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Late challenge from Cafu, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Roberto Carlos is livid, gesturing wildly. Cafu chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." A little fun fact for you — Manuel Neuer, all 193 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Ronaldinho high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Full-pitch press, the centre-back panics and boots it into touch. Paolo Maldini with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Paolo Maldini finds the gap and serves Jesus Christ in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Big strike from the messiah, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times. Jesus Christ takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out.

Lennart Karl meets the corner from Lothar Matthäus with a header at the near post, just wide. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Ronaldinho picks out Jesus Christ with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Ronaldinho finds Pedri between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Pedri fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Andriy Shevchenko throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. The cross from Andriy Shevchenko is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly. Manuel Neuer rolls it short to Franco Baresi into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. What a leap from Franco Baresi! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Manuel Neuer unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Andriy Shevchenko makes a heart sign with his hands. Manuel Neuer finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Ronaldinho rolls it to Pedri, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Pedri beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. The referee's whistle goes against Pedri, caught the opponent late. Pedri is cautioned for that cynical bodycheck on the opponent. Free kick blocked! Pedri struck it well but the wall held firm.

Franco Baresi shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Surging run from Franco Baresi from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Franco Baresi loses the ball on the dribble, too greedy in that situation. Franco Baresi anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence.

Franco Baresi cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Solo charge from Lothar Matthäus, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. Lothar Matthäus strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

Full time and it's level. Manuel Neuer stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Roberto Carlos grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Pedri brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. The free kick from Pedri lands right on Lennart Karl in the heart of the box. What a delivery! GOOOOOOAL for Lennart Karl! On the free kick struck by Andriy Shevchenko, he gets there first and powers his header into the net!

Pedri runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Manuel Neuer tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Ronaldinho puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Lothar Matthäus is there to finish. Lothar Matthäus rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Lifesaving clearance from Lothar Matthäus! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

Enormous anticipation from Paolo Maldini who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Paolo Maldini launches it to Roberto Carlos on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Roberto Carlos looks for Cafu with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Ball into space from Cafu, Andriy Shevchenko just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius.

Decisive interception from Cafu who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Cafu saw it all. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Andriy Shevchenko goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. Andriy Shevchenko tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING.

Interception from Paolo Maldini who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Paolo Maldini. Paolo Maldini rolls it to Roberto Carlos, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Roberto Carlos triggers a change of flanks for Lothar Matthäus, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Lothar Matthäus sets it for Roberto Carlos, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Manuel Neuer. "That is your job. 40 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Now I've been told — and I can barely say this with a straight face — that Pedri has a loyalty card at his local dodgy kebab shop. Thirteen stamps and you get a free doner. He's on stamp eleven and says the Champions League can wait. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Ronaldinho is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Andriy Shevchenko presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Andriy Shevchenko lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Cafu spots Andriy Shevchenko peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Perfect cut-back from Andriy Shevchenko, Ronaldinho receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario.

They've scored! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Roberto Carlos dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Andriy Shevchenko hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Overlap on the left from Andriy Shevchenko, floated cross towards Cafu who rises highest at the far post.

Jesus Christ charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Poor cross from the messiah, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage. Manuel Neuer fires it out quickly by hand to Jesus Christ, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Jesus Christ looks up and launches a long pass towards Cafu. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. WHAT A SHAME for Andriy Shevchenko! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

Magnificent tackle from Cafu! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Cafu boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Huge interception from Roberto Carlos! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Killer ball from Roberto Carlos through the gap! Lennart Karl bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. JUST WIIIIIDE from Lennart Karl! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Stalemate at home. Lothar Matthäus and Cafu embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Lay-off from Ronaldinho to Pedri, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. One laser pass from Pedri and the entire defence is eliminated, Cafu is through on goal. The space is enormous. Absolute rocket from Cafu, the keeper dived but it was unstoppable.

Dead defender. Ronaldinho mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Pedri completes the choreography by collapsing. Manuel Neuer arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Paolo Maldini puts Cafu into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Cafu tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Manuel Neuer finds Paolo Maldini with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Monumental ball from Paolo Maldini to Pedri, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Pedri rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Oh that's heartbreaking! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score right on the stroke of half-time.

Manuel Neuer sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Jesus Christ photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Pedri links up with Lennart Karl, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Just wide from Lothar Matthäus, needed a fraction more accuracy on that.

The lads smell blood, they're pouring forward in numbers. Looping cross from Ronaldinho, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Pedri. Danger. Pedri goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Franco Baresi: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Manuel Neuer, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Now we've learned that Roberto Carlos has completed every single crossword in the back of the Metro newspaper for the past four years. Never missed one. The squad calls him 'The Professor,' which is a bit generous, but at 53, let the man have his moment. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Manuel Neuer leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. The messiah roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Jesus Christ chips an aerial cross over the centre-halves, Lennart Karl is under the dropping ball. Manuel Neuer gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. Manuel Neuer distributes short to Lothar Matthäus, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Manuel Neuer catapults the ball towards Roberto Carlos from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Roberto Carlos wants to play it quick but the pass to Andriy Shevchenko is wayward, lacking any precision.

Roberto Carlos goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Roberto Carlos clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Little shift from Andriy Shevchenko to Franco Baresi, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Franco Baresi goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Brilliant switch of play from Ronaldinho! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Lothar Matthäus.

Roberto Carlos keeps it short to Pedri, no frills, just good football intelligence. Pedri puts Franco Baresi into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Underhit ball from Franco Baresi, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. Paolo Maldini reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Lothar Matthäus to Lennart Karl, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. That is a tackle of the highest order from Lennart Karl. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Massive clearance from Lennart Karl, just get the ball as far away as possible.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Franco Baresi slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Paolo Maldini has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Cafu deliberately fouls to let his defence regroup. Smart but ugly. Cafu picks up a deserved yellow. He fouled deliberately to prevent a three-on-two. Cafu places the ball, takes his bearings, FIIIIRES! The ball flies over the wall and rocks the net, GOOOAL!

The pile at the corner flag. Cafu is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Manuel Neuer arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Oh dear oh dear! London Three-Pints score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. OHHHH the THUNDERBOLT from Lennart Karl! On the assist from Jesus Christ, he rocks the net with a DEVASTATING strike!

Tidy restart from Manuel Neuer along the deck to Lothar Matthäus, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Good ball from Lothar Matthäus to Ronaldinho, playing it quick between the lines. The overlap from Ronaldinho, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Chipped cross from Ronaldinho over the defence, Paolo Maldini is underneath it. That is a killer ball. Paolo Maldini thumps his header on the delivery from Andriy Shevchenko but it sails over.

Roberto Carlos drops it into space for Jesus Christ, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average. Jesus Christ peels away to celebrate from Lennart Karl's assist but the flag is already up. Heartbreaking! Manuel Neuer fires it out quickly by hand to Cafu, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Jesus Christ is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Jesus Christ: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Nutritionists are baffled by Andriy Shevchenko's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 183 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Paolo Maldini sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. OHHH Lennart Karl strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Monumental ball from Lennart Karl to Ronaldinho, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Ronaldinho scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment.

Inch-perfect tackle by Roberto Carlos, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Roberto Carlos drops a lofted ball to Pedri, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Burst of pace from Lennart Karl on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. No joy for Lennart Karl, he tried to go it alone but the defender read him like a book and takes the ball. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Quick one-two between Roberto Carlos and Lothar Matthäus, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Lothar Matthäus drops a lofted ball to Roberto Carlos, it sails over the entire midfield line. Roberto Carlos with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Blistering solo run from Roberto Carlos, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders.

Paolo Maldini clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake.

Absolutely dreadful! London Three-Pints score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Manuel Neuer does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Jesus Christ launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Manuel Neuer arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Tidy restart from Manuel Neuer along the deck to Paolo Maldini, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Smooth transition from Paolo Maldini to Jesus Christ, no delay, the game keeps flowing. The messiah takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon.

1-1 and off we go. Pedri hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Andriy Shevchenko does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.