My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. GOOOOAL! Usain Bolt places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Lamine Yamal, surgical finish!

Knee slide from Usain Bolt right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Saitama does the same down the line. Goku turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Usain Bolt plays it simple to Saitama, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Jesus Christ, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Jesus Christ lofts a cross into the box, Tyreek Hill is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. The cross from Tyreek Hill is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure.

The farmer throws it out to Mario Balotelli, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Mario Balotelli gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Mario Balotelli beautifully lobs the defence with a chipped cross, Lamine Yamal is there to finish.

Nuno Mendes anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Tyreek Hill puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Tyreek Hill hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now!

Virgil van Dijk sets it for Mario Balotelli, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Mario Balotelli drills a low ball back for Jesus Christ, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread. The messiah has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Jesus Christ is biting {his} nails in the corner. Mario stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Teammates were gobsmacked when Iron Man revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 28, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Usain Bolt comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Raking ball from the superhero to Jesus Christ, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Jesus Christ produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Rapid combination: Jesus Christ to Mario Balotelli, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Mario Balotelli accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Cross from Mario Balotelli, he puts it on the far post for Tyreek Hill.

Saitama anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Monster clearance from Saitama! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Nuno Mendes launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Mario, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Goku sends an absolute rocket towards Iron Man, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Iron Man finds Jesus Christ between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

And that's a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Stunning tackle by Iron Man in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Iron Man looks up and launches a long pass towards Mario Balotelli. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Short restart from the farmer to Nuno Mendes, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Interception from Nuno Mendes right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence.

1-1 and off we go. Jesus Christ hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Lamine Yamal does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

The one-two between Tyreek Hill and Nuno Mendes blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. Tyreek Hill takes his bearings and places a CLINICAL finish! The keeper was beaten everywhere, GOAL!

Rehearsed move all week: Tyreek Hill and Nuno Mendes stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Goku plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Usain Bolt strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. PENALTY! Usain Bolt is brought down inside the 18-yard box! The defender went in with studs showing, the referee points to the spot. The TENSION is palpable, this is a KEY moment. Usain Bolt converts the penalty with OLYMPIC calm! The keeper went left, the ball went right. GOAL!

Usain Bolt runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Tyreek Hill gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

What positioning from Saitama! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. It falls apart for Mario Balotelli, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

Jesus Christ meets the corner from Lamine Yamal with a header, it drifts wide of the post. Massive punt from Goku, sends the ball sixty yards, Jesus Christ is scrapping for it up top. Firm pass from Jesus Christ into Usain Bolt, right into the boots. No waste. Usain Bolt goes crossfield to Mario Balotelli, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

"We are cruising, lads, but we keep the foot on the gas, understood?" The gaffer is calm but firm. Jesus Christ responds with a thumbs up, mouth full of banana. Lamine Yamal is retying {his} boots for the third time, a habit that drives the kit man mad. The mood is confident without being cocky. Just right. Tyreek Hill still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 32-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' And we are back underway! Virgil van Dijk jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Textbook lay-off from Iron Man to Virgil van Dijk who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Virgil van Dijk drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Mario Balotelli is free inside the eighteen-yard box. BLOCKED by the defender! Mario Balotelli was unlucky there, good shot but even better block.

Jesus Christ fires the ball over to Tyreek Hill with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Backpass from Tyreek Hill goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Enormous anticipation from Virgil van Dijk who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Diagonal from Virgil van Dijk to Saitama, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Goku launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Tyreek Hill after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Tyreek Hill spreads it to Virgil van Dijk, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Virgil van Dijk links up with Mario, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Burst of pace from Mario on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Mario sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Mario Balotelli in the thick of it.

Goku distributes short to Tyreek Hill, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Little shift from Tyreek Hill to Virgil van Dijk, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Tyreek Hill spreads the play and finds Lamine Yamal in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin.

Huge interception from Nuno Mendes! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Nuno Mendes plays the simple ball to Usain Bolt, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Nutmeg from Usain Bolt on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Driven cross from Usain Bolt into the box, Lamine Yamal arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. HEADER from Lamine Yamal! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky.

FULL TIME! Virgil van Dijk jumps on Tyreek Hill's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. México No-Era-Penal shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

Iron Man plays the give-and-go with Usain Bolt, the combination is measured to the millimetre. The defensive block is pierced. Iron Man winds up the right foot and sends a ROCKET top bins! GOAL, that is the strike of the match!

SCRAMBLE after the plumber's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. Nuno Mendes is on the prowl for the rebound and prods it in from two yards, pure poacher.

Corner from Mario, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! Saitama unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

It was bound to happen. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score and honestly, we deserved that.

The farmer goes long for Tyreek Hill, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Good ball from Tyreek Hill to Iron Man, playing it quick between the lines. The superhero lays it off first time to Nuno Mendes, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Clumsy challenge from Nuno Mendes, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Nuno Mendes plays a low free kick into the box, Lamine Yamal cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Tyreek Hill, you have been outstanding. Saitama, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Lovely story from Virgil van Dijk's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 195 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Goku knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

The recovery from Virgil van Dijk is absolutely jaw-dropping, runs like his life depends on it and saves the day. Late challenge from Virgil van Dijk, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. Free kick from Virgil van Dijk, lovely delivery and Nuno Mendes rises above the defence. Goku gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Clutch recovery from Nuno Mendes! The attacker thought he was through but got hunted down on the last stride. What a tackle by Nuno Mendes! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal.

Tyreek Hill tries the downward header on the corner from Mario but it goes wide. Wrong angle. Clearance from the farmer towards Saitama, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Saitama charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Saitama rolls it back across the turf, Iron Man is lurking in the box, ready to pounce.

It's a total siege, forwards throwing themselves at every cross. The keeper Goku towers over every defender, he's come up to win the aerial duel. Magnificent leap from Virgil van Dijk who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Virgil van Dijk keeps it short to Mario Balotelli, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Mario picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! Crafty ball from Mario into the gap, Iron Man arrives into the space and collects on the move. The superhero strays just offside on Usain Bolt's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal. Goku throws it out quickly to Saitama, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Combination from Mario to Iron Man on the short corner, they're trying to get past the wing. The superhero bends the ball into the box for Saitama. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Wasted cross from Saitama, the keeper collects easily in his six-yard box. No danger whatsoever.

Three points in the bag! Mario Balotelli sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. Mario drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Fresh air tackle from the superhero, left on the deck while the attacker runs off. In that role, timing is absolutely everything. PENALTY for Nuno Mendes! He is pushed in the back by the defender inside the box. The referee SAW the foul and points to the spot. The PRESSURE is immense! GOOOAL! Nuno Mendes steps up, strikes it hard and the keeper can only watch the ball go in. PENALTY SCORED!

Iron Man mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Virgil van Dijk raises Iron Man's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Goku plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Clearance from Saitama under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

Goku rolls it short to Mario Balotelli into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Mario Balotelli pings a long diagonal to Iron Man, completely shifts the point of attack. Aerial duel won by the superhero, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Massive clearance from Iron Man, just get the ball as far away as possible.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Goku is at the centre, lifted up by Iron Man and Goku, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Dakar Teranga FC's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Mario drops the ball in from the free kick, Mario Balotelli arrives at the near post. Cross from Mario, header from Mario Balotelli and... it is over! He should have done better there. Lamine Yamal launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Mario Balotelli dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Iron Man is biting {his} nails in the corner. Tyreek Hill stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Unbelievable but true — Iron Man has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 28 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Dragon's Den of Iniquity! To win a genuine Peter Jones raised eyebrow, text 5123 and answer: 'For that reason, how many dragons are typically out?' Tyreek Hill trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Jesus Christ rolls it to Saitama, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The superhero slides a perfect cut-back for Lamine Yamal in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. SHOOOOOT from Lamine Yamal, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Absolutely appalling challenge from Lamine Yamal on the attacker. The stadium erupts in anger. Booking for Lamine Yamal. Swung his boot at head height, the opponent had to duck out of the way. Lamine Yamal whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Virgil van Dijk throws himself at it for a header. Aerial duel won by Virgil van Dijk, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

Mario Balotelli shifts it to Lamine Yamal with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Lamine Yamal wants to find Tyreek Hill between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. The superhero reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Quick exchange between Saitama and Tyreek Hill, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Lay-off from Tyreek Hill to Lamine Yamal, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Massive diagonal from Lamine Yamal! Usain Bolt receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Usain Bolt puts it right into the feet of Jesus Christ, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Short pass from the messiah to Usain Bolt, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Usain Bolt plays it in, Mario lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Usain Bolt is off again. Magnificent.

Iron Man clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Sideways ball from Saitama to Usain Bolt, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Usain Bolt sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it.

Wing switch from Tyreek Hill, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Virgil van Dijk brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Virgil van Dijk wins the header and flicks it on for Saitama. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Virgil van Dijk slips Jesus Christ in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

A draw. Virgil van Dijk claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Mario tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." Janice from Bristol says typically all five dragons are out but they wish you the very best of luck. Raised eyebrow for Janice! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Monumental blunder from the farmer! When you are in that position, you do not have the right to make mistakes, and that is the worst of them all. Jesus Christ has the NOSE of a great striker: being where it matters. On the cross from Mario Balotelli, he prods, GOAL!

Body feint from Tyreek Hill, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Tyreek Hill dribbles into the box, the defender catches him and sends him sprawling. The referee blows IMMEDIATELY: penalty! The heart of the stadium is beating at a THOUSAND miles an hour! Tyreek Hill scores from the spot! Impeccable angled shot, the keeper went the wrong way. GOAL, EASY!

Tyreek Hill climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Jesus Christ films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Goku flicks the ball with his glove tips over the frame. The mark of an exceptional keeper. The farmer finds Jesus Christ with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Usain Bolt swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Mario Balotelli, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Mario Balotelli tries to find Nuno Mendes but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Tyreek Hill cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. With one swing of the boot, Tyreek Hill finds Saitama on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Cross from the right by Saitama, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Virgil van Dijk at the back post.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Mario Balotelli has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Lamine Yamal from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Virgil van Dijk is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 195, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Jesus Christ takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Saitama feeds Virgil van Dijk in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Great vision from Virgil van Dijk who finds Usain Bolt in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. Usain Bolt picks out Mario with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Lovely use of the ball by Mario, finding Tyreek Hill in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

The farmer throws it out to Iron Man, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Pass into no-man's land from Iron Man, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Crunching tackle by Virgil van Dijk on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Virgil van Dijk sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Mario. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Cross from Mario off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Iron Man at the far side.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Iron Man boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Goku smashes a volley towards Tyreek Hill, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Turnover from Tyreek Hill, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence.

Lamine Yamal rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Mario Balotelli. The far side is completely deserted. Mario Balotelli lays it off first time to Mario, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. One touch football: Mario to Usain Bolt, faster than the opposition can think. Quick combination between Usain Bolt and Virgil van Dijk, give and go, the defender did not see it coming.

Emergency clearance from Nuno Mendes, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. What a leap from Mario Balotelli! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Mario Balotelli slides it to Mario, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Smooth transition from Mario Balotelli to Jesus Christ, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Jesus Christ wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure. SO CLOSE! Jesus Christ sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

It's all over and it's OURS! Jesus Christ leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Iron Man picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Usain Bolt gives it to Iron Man into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The superhero starts a one-two with Mario Balotelli, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. MAJESTIC solo GOAL from the superhero! In that position, knowing how to beat three defenders and score is what makes LEGENDS.

Usain Bolt legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Tyreek Hill tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Nuno Mendes pings a ridiculous diagonal to Virgil van Dijk. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Virgil van Dijk fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Tyreek Hill throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Oh you MUPPET!! Tyreek Hill scores an own goal! The cross from Mario comes in, he tries to cut it out and he hammers it into his own top corner. That is TRAGIC, there is no other word for it.

Nuno Mendes stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Virgil van Dijk follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Goku plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Mario steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. The plumber plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ.

Massive clearance from Nuno Mendes in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The plumber opens up to Tyreek Hill on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Tyreek Hill to Lamine Yamal, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Goku is biting {his} nails in the corner. Mario Balotelli stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. A delightful revelation — Virgil van Dijk panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 35 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' The gaffer gives Iron Man one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Iron Man runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Lagos No-Carry-Last score right on the stroke of half-time.

Goku runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Saitama gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The superhero slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Iron Man sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Tyreek Hill is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. SHOOOOT from Tyreek Hill... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Short build-up from Virgil van Dijk to Mario Balotelli, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Sharp turn from Mario Balotelli, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Mario Balotelli tries a nutmeg but the defender closes his legs. It has not worked, the ball is gone. Mario reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Mario clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

GOAL for Lagos No-Carry-Last! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Strike from Lamine Yamal that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. The farmer throws it out to Virgil van Dijk, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Quick one-two between Virgil van Dijk and Nuno Mendes, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Nuno Mendes threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Usain Bolt bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Overlap from Usain Bolt with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Usain Bolt sends in a curling delivery, Saitama peels off the back of his marker and finds space. What a SHAMBLES in the box after Saitama's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds!

Lamine Yamal is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. The farmer stretches the leg at the last moment and blocks the strike. In that position, it is that instinctive reflex that wins matches. Goku finds Mario with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

Honours even. Nuno Mendes finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Mario Balotelli walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. The superhero finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Virgil van Dijk clean through. Pure genius from that position. Virgil van Dijk lobs the keeper with DISCONCERTING ease! A little dink with the right foot, the ball sails over the keeper and lands in the net. GOAL of WORLD CLASS quality!

Decisive glance from Virgil van Dijk who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Virgil van Dijk plays it into the channel for Usain Bolt, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. GOOOAL for Usain Bolt! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Good delivery from Tyreek Hill off the left flank, Lamine Yamal positions himself between the two centre-halves. NOOOO it is HEARTBREAK for Lamine Yamal! Own goal! The cross from Usain Bolt was harmless, HARMLESS! But Lamine Yamal diverts it in with a completely botched clearance. The kind of OG that BREAKS you.

Tyreek Hill falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Lamine Yamal arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Sombrero from Usain Bolt over the defender, the ball goes clean over his head. Total disrespect. Usain Bolt delivers a tidy ball to Saitama, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Saitama curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Goku goes long for Usain Bolt, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Monster clearance from Goku, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Virgil van Dijk. Magnificent reading of the game from Virgil van Dijk, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Instinctive clearance from Virgil van Dijk who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Iron Man claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. Staff at IKEA Wembley confirm Goku spent five hours in the showroom and left with nothing but a bag of tea lights and a hot dog. The 28-year-old reportedly got lost in the warehouse section twice. And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Saitama is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Jesus Christ goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Jesus Christ just won it. The messiah finds Nuno Mendes along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Devastating burst of pace from Nuno Mendes, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Nuno Mendes crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline.

The farmer finds Jesus Christ with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Jesus Christ feeds Virgil van Dijk in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Change of flanks from Virgil van Dijk, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Usain Bolt. Usain Bolt hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Low pull-back from Usain Bolt across the turf, Jesus Christ controls and shoots in one movement.

Smooth transition from Mario Balotelli to Lamine Yamal, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Lamine Yamal drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Mario Balotelli read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Flag up! Mario Balotelli is offside by the thinnest of margins on Mario's pass. Gutting. Long kick from Goku, Mario Balotelli positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Mario Balotelli with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one!

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Nuno Mendes steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Enormous clearance from Nuno Mendes inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Goku lumps it long towards Mario Balotelli, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. The overlap from Mario Balotelli, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead.

It's a goal for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Goku is at the centre, lifted up by Tyreek Hill and Goku, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Barranquilla Toque-Toque's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Lovely use of the ball by Mario Balotelli, finding Tyreek Hill in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Dummy from Tyreek Hill, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. Tyreek Hill plays it back across the box for Usain Bolt, the low cross is inch-perfect. Usain Bolt plays the simple ball to Tyreek Hill, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Massive win over Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Saitama is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Lamine Yamal pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-1 (W)

Rapid combination: Mario to Saitama, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Nutmeg from Saitama on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. GOOOOOOAL! Saitama meets the pass from Tyreek Hill and places an unstoppable curling effort. The keeper was a spectator!

Dead defender. Mario mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Tyreek Hill completes the choreography by collapsing. Goku arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

They've scored! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

The farmer throws it out to Iron Man, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Iron Man is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Iron Man was barely on his way up. OHHHH the HEEEEADER from Tyreek Hill! On the gift from Mario Balotelli, he plants the ball perfectly and beats the keeper!

Three-man routine: Goku, Mario and Goku do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. The superhero intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position.

Lamine Yamal sets it for Mario, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Mario floats it into the gap for Jesus Christ, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Jesus Christ shifts it to Lamine Yamal with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Lamine Yamal plays the simple ball to Jesus Christ, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Mario Balotelli is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Mario and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. Teammates were gobsmacked when Nuno Mendes revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 24, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Nuno Mendes squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Goku plays it along the ground to Saitama, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Good ball from the superhero to Usain Bolt, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Usain Bolt plays the simple ball to Virgil van Dijk, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Foul given against Virgil van Dijk, he went through the back of the opponent. The free kick from Virgil van Dijk is sent to the near post, Tyreek Hill rushes in to meet it.

The cross from Tyreek Hill is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job. Catastrophic corner from Mario Balotelli, the ball doesn't even reach the near post, shambolic.

Free kick from Tyreek Hill curled into the area, Nuno Mendes attacks it with a header. Phenomenal leap from Nuno Mendes who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Nuno Mendes charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Foul by Nuno Mendes, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Nuno Mendes rolls the free kick along the ground to Virgil van Dijk, it is the short routine.

Tyreek Hill feeds Mario on the short corner, slowing the tempo, pulling the defense around. Low cut-back from Mario, Saitama arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Oh no Saitama! Served on a plate by Virgil van Dijk, all alone with an open goal, and he fires wide!

Short restart from the farmer to Usain Bolt, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Usain Bolt sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Usain Bolt absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Goku takes his time and plays it short to Nuno Mendes. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Nuno Mendes jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him. Lovely take from the farmer! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box. Lamine Yamal plays the simple ball to Virgil van Dijk, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

WHAT A WIN! Iron Man and Virgil van Dijk do their signature handshake — twelve steps, three fist bumps, and something involving elbows that nobody else can replicate. The fans try to copy it in the stands. It goes badly. Everyone loves it anyway. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. GOOOOAL from Tyreek Hill! On the inswinging cross from Mario, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Tyreek Hill and Virgil van Dijk do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Goku arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The farmer goes long for Iron Man, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Decisive interception from Iron Man who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Iron Man saw it all. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing.

Mario Balotelli puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Iron Man comes steaming in. Masterful aerial duel from Iron Man, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Iron Man picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. The superhero catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. The free kick from Iron Man is played with a deft touch to Saitama, well-drilled combination.

Little shift from Nuno Mendes to Mario, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Pass into space from Mario for Iron Man, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. Iron Man absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. Clinical interception from Mario Balotelli, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so.

Masterful reading from Virgil van Dijk who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Mario Balotelli pierces the backline with a low through ball, Iron Man latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent.

The gaffer pulls up Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Jesus Christ, you have the pace. Lamine Yamal, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Scouts initially spotted Virgil van Dijk not on a pitch but in a Greggs queue, where the 35-year-old demonstrated elite spatial awareness and patience beyond his years. At 195, the lad dominated the sausage roll section. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Here come the lads. Tyreek Hill jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Lamine Yamal's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Lifesaving clearance from Jesus Christ! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat.

Virgil van Dijk steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Virgil van Dijk spots the run from Saitama and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! The superhero roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The superhero gets to the byline and floats one in for Usain Bolt. Crossing is his bread and butter. Aerial claim from the farmer, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear.

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

'I told you so' mode. Goku eyeballs the Buenos Aires Pecho Frío bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Nuno Mendes pulls Goku away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Mario Balotelli feeds Nuno Mendes in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Nuno Mendes puts Iron Man into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Overlap on the left from Iron Man, floated cross towards Virgil van Dijk who rises highest at the far post. Corner from Virgil van Dijk, it drops in the six-yard box, CHAOS! A defender wellies it clear!

Lamine Yamal shapes to shoot but plays it short to Tyreek Hill, the defence is caught flat-footed. Good ball from Tyreek Hill to Mario, playing it quick between the lines.

Bodies everywhere, nobody cares about fatigue, they just need a goal. OHHH Jesus Christ strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Points shared with Buenos Aires Pecho Frío. Mario Balotelli slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Goku has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Quick throw from Goku to Mario out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Mario loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do. Tyreek Hill plants the ball with his head on the gift from Mario Balotelli! The keeper dives but it is too late, GOOOOAL!

Brilliant interception from Nuno Mendes, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Jesus Christ sends a cannonball under the bar, the keeper is rooted to the spot!

Nuno Mendes dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Mario can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Goku claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Nuno Mendes keeps it short to Virgil van Dijk, no frills, just good football intelligence. Virgil van Dijk finds Tyreek Hill between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Tyreek Hill gives it to Jesus Christ, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal.

One touch football: Virgil van Dijk to Iron Man, faster than the opposition can think. The superhero plays it simple to Virgil van Dijk, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. One laser pass from Virgil van Dijk and the entire defence is eliminated, Saitama is through on goal. The space is enormous. Saitama powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated.

What a disaster! Rio Malandro FC score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Goku weaves through Rio Malandro FC's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Lamine Yamal screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Virgil van Dijk is leaning back with {his} feet up, 195 cm of pure relaxation. Jesus Christ is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. The 35-year-old Virgil van Dijk adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Virgil van Dijk trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Fink! To win a voucher for the Wetherspoons breakfast, text 5567 and answer: 'What is the cheapest full English breakfast in Britain and does it come with unlimited toast?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Iron Man squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

The lads are taking the game to them, proper front-foot football. Lamine Yamal charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening.

Usain Bolt meets the corner from Mario with a header at the near post, just wide. Virgil van Dijk clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Virgil van Dijk sends an aerial beauty to Nuno Mendes, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Nuno Mendes shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Nuno Mendes rolls it to Usain Bolt, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Usain Bolt takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Smooth transition from Usain Bolt to Iron Man, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Free kick swung in by Lamine Yamal, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Mario is lurking. Cross from Mario intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Lamine Yamal takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. Saitama triggers a change of flanks for Lamine Yamal, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Smooth transition from Iron Man to Virgil van Dijk, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Virgil van Dijk puts Usain Bolt in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Usain Bolt keeps it short to Saitama, no frills, just good football intelligence. Saitama slips Tyreek Hill in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Fantastic surging run from Mario Balotelli, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal. PENALTY! Mario Balotelli is fouled in the box, the referee does NOT hesitate. He points to the spot, that is a decision HEAVY with consequences! PUSHED AWAY! Mario Balotelli's penalty is saved by the keeper who dives the right way. What a moment! Short distribution from Goku to Mario, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

FULL TIME! Goku jumps on Jesus Christ's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Rio Malandro FC shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Baz from Middlesbrough says two pounds ninety-nine at the Spoons on the high street and yes the toast is unlimited. Breakfast voucher for Baz! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

Solo charge from Mario, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. PENALTY for the plumber! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. GOAL for Mario! Penalty sent into the TOP CORNER, the keeper was glued to his line. SUMPTUOUS!

Rehearsed move all week: Mario and Lamine Yamal stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Goku plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Key pass from Nuno Mendes! It fizzes between the lines and Mario Balotelli collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. WHAT A SHAME for Mario Balotelli! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Nuno Mendes changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Virgil van Dijk. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Virgil van Dijk reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Virgil van Dijk thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Saitama throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Through ball from the superhero for Mario Balotelli, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Mario Balotelli winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky!

A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Jesus Christ picks out Virgil van Dijk with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow. Tyreek Hill presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast.

Virgil van Dijk is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Virgil van Dijk: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." A lovely aside — Usain Bolt spent a rainy bank holiday assembling flat-pack furniture and documented the entire thing on Instagram Stories. It took nine hours, two breakdowns, and a trip to B&Q. At 196, he couldn't even fit the Allen key in his hand properly. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 9922 and answer this question: 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?' Virgil van Dijk is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

They've scored! Istanbul Cehennem FK break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Goku and Jesus Christ do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Goku arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Goku plays out from the back with Mario, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. The plumber rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Good ball from Mario to Virgil van Dijk, playing it quick between the lines. What a hit from Virgil van Dijk! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

It's open bar in both boxes, literally anything could happen now. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Lay-off from Jesus Christ to Usain Bolt out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails.

Saitama throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Quick one-two between Mario Balotelli and Jesus Christ, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Textbook one-two between Jesus Christ and Lamine Yamal. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football.

Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. Just wide! Tyreek Hill struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. The farmer finds Iron Man with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Iron Man attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious.

Nuno Mendes launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Usain Bolt rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Points shared with Istanbul Cehennem FK. Saitama slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Iron Man has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?'. The answer was of course a Morphy Richards toaster, which won by a landslide and to this day holds the highest approval rating of any mayor in the city's history. Pauline wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

3-2 (W)

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Goku strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Usain Bolt points at it, jaw on the floor. Goku shakes his head, not believing it.

Mario delivers into the box on the corner, it's a proper BATTLE in there! Defense holds firm! BOOOM the superhero prods it in at point-blank range! In that position, you live for those balls from 2 yards out, and he buries them. GOAL!

Mario legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Mario Balotelli tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Raid from Jesus Christ starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. Jesus Christ spots the keeper off his line and dinks it over him, perfect lob, it is in! GOAL! The intelligence of that finish, that is WORLD CLASS.

Interception from Nuno Mendes who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Nuno Mendes. Powerful run from Nuno Mendes, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. GOOOOOAL! Nuno Mendes lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Jesus Christ and the ball nestles in the corner!

Nuno Mendes dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Just wide from Mario Balotelli, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Virgil van Dijk. Pure quality, as per usual. Virgil van Dijk finds Jesus Christ in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Virgil van Dijk stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Tyreek Hill bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. A delightful revelation — Jesus Christ panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 2019 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Goku claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. OHHHH Goku makes the right call! He comes out head-first and grabs the ball at the feet! Virgil van Dijk boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Decisive interception from the plumber, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role.

The farmer throws it out to Saitama, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Smooth transition from Saitama to Nuno Mendes, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Goku sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Tyreek Hill photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Pull-back from Lamine Yamal along the ground, Mario is in position in the area. Clean as you like. Golden chance wasted by the plumber after the perfect service from Iron Man. In that role, it is these moments that separate a good player from a great one. The farmer throws it out to Virgil van Dijk, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Crucial intervention from the superhero, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. The ball from Saitama rips through the defensive curtain, Lamine Yamal is flying into the space like an arrow. Lamine Yamal is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Usain Bolt's pass was beautifully weighted too.

The corner from Lamine Yamal is met by Saitama with a header, but it drifts past the frame. Iron Man hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Mario spots Jesus Christ in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Tyreek Hill plays it simple to Mario, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Mario crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Mario Balotelli is in the right place. Oh no Mario Balotelli! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Saitama deserved better. Goku boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Saitama! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. The superhero switches the play to Jesus Christ, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

That's what it MEANS! Mario Balotelli rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Virgil van Dijk catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Milano Piano-Piano are done. Absolutely done. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-0 (W)

Royal interception from Saitama! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. GOOOOOAL! Jesus Christ sniffed it out better than anyone, he was in the right place at the right time, IT IS IN!

One-two between Mario Balotelli and Iron Man on the short corner, they go round the first defender. Perfect cut-back from Iron Man, Virgil van Dijk receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. Miss of the season from Virgil van Dijk! Lamine Yamal serves him a peach and he puts it into row Z. You are dreaming. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Corner from Mario Balotelli, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear! Panicked clearance from Usain Bolt, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Mario Balotelli plays it simple to Iron Man, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The superhero bounces off Saitama for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Offside called against Iron Man. He'll be kicking himself, the ball from Mario was perfect. Goku plays it short to Iron Man, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The superhero positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment.

Corner from Tyreek Hill, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Usain Bolt sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Usain Bolt slides the ball across the ground in the box, Nuno Mendes arrives for the finish. BLOCKED! Nuno Mendes strikes but the defender sticks a foot out and deflects it. What a sacrifice.

Saitama starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Mario Balotelli conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Nutritionists are baffled by Virgil van Dijk's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 195 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Goku picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Goku hoofs it forward towards Tyreek Hill, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Sideways ball from Tyreek Hill to Nuno Mendes, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Nuno Mendes opens up to Lamine Yamal on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Lamine Yamal explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Lamine Yamal squares it back for Mario, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Firm pass from Virgil van Dijk into Iron Man, right into the boots. No waste. The superhero pulls it back along the ground for Mario. The low cut-back is his trademark.

Oh what a challenge! Virgil van Dijk goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Oh my word Tyreek Hill fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

The farmer finds Tyreek Hill with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Sideways ball from Tyreek Hill to Jesus Christ, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Little shift from Jesus Christ to Mario, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Raking ball from the plumber to Tyreek Hill, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Corner from Tyreek Hill and a header from Nuno Mendes but it goes over! He had to hit the target there. Usain Bolt clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Mario Balotelli switches the play to Jesus Christ on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

That is a statement result! Iron Man stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Goku joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Sevilla Olé-Olé won't forget this one. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

They've scored again! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are running riot and we can't cope.

Goku sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Mario Balotelli snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Goku waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Lamine Yamal powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The referee points to the SPOT! Penalty for Lamine Yamal! The defender committed the foul in the box, there is ZERO doubt. The pressure is at MAXIMUM! GOOOOAL! Lamine Yamal converts the penalty, the keeper goes the wrong way. Ice cold.

Lamine Yamal runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Goku tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Iron Man feeds Usain Bolt in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Usain Bolt winds up from FAR OUT and FIIIIRES! The ball flies and ends in the goal, the keeper is stunned, GOOOAL!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Iron Man ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Saitama leaps over him. Goku walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Poor decision from Tyreek Hill on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Tremendous work from Lamine Yamal who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal.

Lamine Yamal drops a lofted ball to Saitama, it sails over the entire midfield line. The attacker crushes Saitama in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Saitama was helpless. Authoritative clearance from Mario Balotelli in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Quick exchange between Virgil van Dijk and Usain Bolt, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Nuno Mendes. And you, Virgil van Dijk. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Reports suggest that Mario once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 28 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Usain Bolt leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The board is up, no one is allowed to switch off now. The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. Shot from Jesus Christ, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline.

Magnificent tackle from Nuno Mendes! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Nuno Mendes picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. Nuno Mendes tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him. Jesus Christ senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best.

Beautiful distribution from Goku to Nuno Mendes, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Nuno Mendes with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Mario Balotelli finds the gap and serves Iron Man in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Iron Man dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution.

The corner from Lamine Yamal is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Virgil van Dijk reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Virgil van Dijk was quicker. Virgil van Dijk rolls it to Mario Balotelli, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Goku sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Lamine Yamal photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Free kick conceded by Iron Man, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The free kick from Iron Man flies high over the bar. The away fans are ducking up there!

They're starting to suffocate the opposition with their pressing. Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. High recovery from Tyreek Hill who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Step-overs from Tyreek Hill, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch.

Level score. Nuno Mendes screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Mario boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

The superhero produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Iron Man takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world. The superhero executes a MAGNIFICENT lob! In that position, it is finesse and intelligence that make the difference, and that is exactly what we just saw. GOAL OF GENIUS!

GOAL! London Three-Pints have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Rehearsed move all week: Goku and Mario Balotelli stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Goku plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Flash wall from Virgil van Dijk for Mario who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. GOOOOAL! Mario places it in the far corner, pure art! The keeper had no time to move.

Mario runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Saitama joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The plumber cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Saitama. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Flag up! Saitama was beyond the last man when Usain Bolt released the pass. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. The plumber lays it off first time to Saitama, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Oh that's terrible! London Three-Pints score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Lamine Yamal sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Mario Balotelli sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Lamine Yamal nods but does not look up. Staff at IKEA Wembley confirm Nuno Mendes spent five hours in the showroom and left with nothing but a bag of tea lights and a hot dog. The 24-year-old reportedly got lost in the warehouse section twice. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' Goku leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

What a terrible tackle from Tyreek Hill! The attacker is down holding his knee. This looks bad. VAR intervention! The referee listens intently to his earpiece, still no decision. The ref returns from the monitor: Tyreek Hill's card becomes red, what a turnaround! Off, off, off! Tyreek Hill is shown a straight red for a tackle that left the attacker screaming. Free kick from Tyreek Hill looped in, the ball is dropped onto Saitama at the penalty spot.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Brilliant pass from Usain Bolt! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Mario Balotelli is onto it. Acceleration from Mario Balotelli down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Mario Balotelli gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Nuno Mendes. Scramble in the box after Nuno Mendes's corner! A defender boots it away, just about!

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. BY A WHISKER! Mario Balotelli fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Tyreek Hill picks out Mario with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. WOOOW Mario launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post! Corner from Mario, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears.

The farmer finds Usain Bolt with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Usain Bolt tries to open it up for Virgil van Dijk but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Line-breaking pass from Jesus Christ! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Tyreek Hill picks it up at full pace. Devastating.

Goku opts for the short option to Lamine Yamal, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Perfectly executed challenge by Lamine Yamal, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. Killer ball from Jesus Christ through the gap! Iron Man bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Huge tackle from Iron Man! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away.

Virgil van Dijk reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Mario fires wide, not far from the post though!

Draw. Virgil van Dijk takes the time to shake every London Three-Pints player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Nuno Mendes follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.