My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. OHHHH the THUNDERBOLT from Jeffrey Dahmer! On the assist from Light Yagami, he rocks the net with a DEVASTATING strike!

Jeffrey Dahmer fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Goku plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

What a disaster! Paris Saint-Glinglin score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Toph Beifong runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Jeffrey Dahmer gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Kim Jong-un plays it simple to Donald Trump, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The investor makes the upright tremble with a massive hit. In that position, one centimetre from a masterpiece, the next one's going in. Kim Jong-un produces the tap-in OF THE CENTURY! Well, it was from one yard, but still, GOAL!

Toph Beifong sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Kim Jong-un, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Big clearance from Joseph Stalin under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Aerial duel won by IShowSpeed, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. IShowSpeed lays it off first time to Donald Trump, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Dangerous corner from the rapper, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable. Monster clearance from Ultimate Iron Man! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. The opponent gets the better of Joseph Stalin in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Kim Jong-un is livid, gesturing wildly. IShowSpeed chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." A delightful detail about IShowSpeed — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 21 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' The second period begins and Kim Jong-un launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Long ball from IShowSpeed to Vladimir Putin, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Overlap from Vladimir Putin with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Failed dribble from Vladimir Putin, he tried the skill but the timing was off. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks.

Ultimate Iron Man tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Step-overs from Ultimate Iron Man, the defender has lost the ball completely. Ultimate Iron Man shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Toph Beifong sparks the transition with a quick throw to Vladimir Putin, the break is lightning fast.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Switch from Joseph Stalin! The ball arcs over the midfield and Light Yagami collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Burst of pace from Light Yagami on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed.

Decisive interception from the politician, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. WHAT A SHAME for Goku! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Goku lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky.

Toph Beifong smashes a volley towards Goku, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Error from the farmer, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Massive clearance from Goku, just get the ball as far away as possible.

They've scored! Paris Saint-Glinglin break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Full moonwalk from Toph Beifong, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Jeffrey Dahmer does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Toph Beifong applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

The revolutionary hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Short restart from Toph Beifong to Donald Trump, building from the back nice and tidy. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Donald Trump to Ultimate Iron Man, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. The engineer plays it simple to Donald Trump, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Level score. Vladimir Putin screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Osama bin Laden boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Finish like the old days, no tactical thinking left. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Light Yagami winds up the right foot and sends a ROCKET top bins! GOAL, that is the strike of the match!

Handball, handball! The ref gives a penalty for Ultimate Iron Man's shot striking a defender's arm. Correct decision. GOOOOAL! Donald Trump converts the penalty, the keeper goes the wrong way. Ice cold.

Ultimate Iron Man stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. IShowSpeed follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Toph Beifong plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Lightning press from Light Yagami, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Little shift from Light Yagami to IShowSpeed, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. The rapper accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. IShowSpeed sends his cross sailing over everyone, Osama bin Laden cannot even get close to it.

Firm pass from Jeffrey Dahmer into Goku, right into the boots. No waste. The farmer finds Vladimir Putin in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. Offside by a toenail for the stuntman/stuntwoman, Osama bin Laden can't believe the flag went up. VAR wants a stoppage, the stadium falls silent. This could swing the whole match. No goal! Goku was in an offside position according to VAR!

Osama bin Laden shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Vladimir Putin. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. The stuntman/stuntwoman jumps the gun on Kim Jong-un's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. Toph Beifong distributes short to Ultimate Iron Man, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Ultimate Iron Man pings a ridiculous diagonal to Donald Trump. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Osama bin Laden mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. Light Yagami wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." Lovely story from Goku's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 180 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' They are back. Toph Beifong salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

The investor opens up to IShowSpeed on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Good ball from the rapper to Light Yagami, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Light Yagami barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Short free kick played by Light Yagami, Vladimir Putin receives at the edge of the box after the one-two.

Free kick played short by the detective! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Goku clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Light Yagami gets across the near post first. The cross from Light Yagami is intercepted at the near post, the defender has done the hard yards. The corner from the investor is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Jeffrey Dahmer launches it to Goku on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Toph Beifong finds Joseph Stalin with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Joseph Stalin puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. The revolutionary gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. The warrior plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Massive punt from Toph Beifong, sends the ball sixty yards, IShowSpeed is scrapping for it up top.

The rapper shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Light Yagami. Pure quality, as per usual. Overlap from Light Yagami on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Short pass from the detective to Ultimate Iron Man, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The engineer switches the play to IShowSpeed, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Nightmare! México No-Era-Penal score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Jeffrey Dahmer puts Ultimate Iron Man in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. The net ripples but it doesn't count! Ultimate Iron Man was a yard offside when IShowSpeed played the pass. Toph Beifong hoofs it forward towards IShowSpeed, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Job done. Ultimate Iron Man and IShowSpeed stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. México No-Era-Penal's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Oh what a challenge! Kim Jong-un goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Kim Jong-un sends Goku into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. GOOOOAL from the farmer! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

GOAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Perfect back flip from Toph Beifong right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Jeffrey Dahmer tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Toph Beifong has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Osama bin Laden gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Osama bin Laden has it running through his veins. Osama bin Laden takes his bearings and STRIIIIKES! It is placed, it is on target, IT IS IIIIN!

Solidarity move: Osama bin Laden grabs Donald Trump who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Donald Trump a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Ball in behind from the engineer, Light Yagami is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. The warrior rushes out at the feet and smothers the ball! In that position, winning a duel like that is what separates a good keeper from a great one. Toph Beifong distributes by hand to Vladimir Putin on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Incredible solo charge from the soldier, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. Jeffrey Dahmer is CUT DOWN in the box by the defender! Penalty! The referee is sure of himself, he points to the spot. The moment is VITAL, nobody is breathing in the ground! The soldier's penalty clatters the woodwork! In that position, being so CLOSE yet so far is the definition of frustration. Driven kick from Toph Beifong to Osama bin Laden, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Goku reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Toph Beifong cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." At age 9, Joseph Stalin entered a school talent show dressed as Mr Blobby and fell off the stage into the headteacher's lap. Now 148, the footage resurfaces every Christmas without fail. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Jeffrey Dahmer is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Toph Beifong throws it out quickly to IShowSpeed, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Aerial duel lost by IShowSpeed, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head. The revolutionary heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

The free kick from Light Yagami is floated in, Goku makes his run to the back post. The cross from Goku is blocked by the centre-back. The back line is not letting anything through. The corner from the stuntman/stuntwoman is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Superb diagonal from the detective to IShowSpeed, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Massive diagonal from IShowSpeed! Jeffrey Dahmer receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Huge aerial duel won by Jeffrey Dahmer, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Oh no Jeffrey Dahmer! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from IShowSpeed deserved better.

Jeffrey Dahmer sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Goku pops up between two defenders. Goku loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. Toph Beifong blocks the shot with an authoritative hand! No goal, the keeper is watching everything.

Oh dear, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Toph Beifong runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Ultimate Iron Man gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

They've got their tails up now, every pass has a purpose. Jeffrey Dahmer sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Kim Jong-un in the thick of it. Kim Jong-un rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. The revolutionary boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Diagonal from IShowSpeed to Kim Jong-un, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

A draw. Vladimir Putin claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Osama bin Laden tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-3 (L)

Blistering solo run from Light Yagami, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY awarded by the referee! Light Yagami has been brought down in full stride inside the box. The defender committed the foul, the referee SAW everything. Moment of TRUTH! The detective converts with class! In that position, not flinching on a penalty is what separates the good players from the DECISIVE ones. GOAL!

The soldier lays it off first time to Donald Trump, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Fantastic high recovery from Donald Trump, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. GOOOAL from the investor! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Jeffrey Dahmer. Vladimir Putin is on his knees clapping, Toph Beifong is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The soldier strings together skill moves and humiliates the defender. It is rare to see that much flair in that position. Lightning overlap from Jeffrey Dahmer, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. The cross from Jeffrey Dahmer is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless.

It's hit the back of the net! Dakar Teranga FC lead and we look completely lost.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. The rapper embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. IShowSpeed leaves his foot in on the attacker well after the ball has gone. That's a nasty one. IShowSpeed sees yellow. Leading with the arm like that is textbook unsporting behaviour. IShowSpeed gives it short to Donald Trump from the free kick, tactical and cunning approach.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Toph Beifong: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 28 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Here's one that'll make you smile — Osama bin Laden spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 69 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Eggheads and Sausage Rolls! To win a year of Greggs loyalty points, text 3890 and answer: 'How many sausage rolls can you eat before your doctor sends a letter?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Osama bin Laden comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Raking ball from the soldier to Joseph Stalin, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Joseph Stalin floats a ball towards Osama bin Laden but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Joseph Stalin intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. The revolutionary opens up to Jeffrey Dahmer on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Raking ball from the rapper to Ultimate Iron Man, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. LOOONG range effort from Ultimate Iron Man! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

The farmer finds Kim Jong-un along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Ball into space from the politician for Jeffrey Dahmer, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Jeffrey Dahmer reaches the byline and cuts it back for Vladimir Putin arriving from the second wave. Vladimir Putin delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid!

Absolutely dreadful! Dakar Teranga FC score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Donald Trump clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Toph Beifong fires it out quickly by hand to Goku, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Dominant header from Goku on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. The overlap from Goku, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead.

The civil engineer lays it off first time to Light Yagami, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Cut-back from Light Yagami along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Kim Jong-un centrally. The politician unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

Oh that's terrible! Dakar Teranga FC score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

'I told you so' mode. Toph Beifong eyeballs the Dakar Teranga FC bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jeffrey Dahmer pulls Toph Beifong away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Beautiful distribution from Toph Beifong to Joseph Stalin, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The revolutionary switches the play to Kim Jong-un, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The politician shifts Vladimir Putin into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Vladimir Putin plays it back across the box for Joseph Stalin, the low cross is inch-perfect. Brilliant tackle from Joseph Stalin! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending.

Final whistle, final nail. Light Yagami pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Ultimate Iron Man gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Big Dave from Wigan says eleven sausage rolls is the sweet spot before medical intervention. A year of Greggs points for Dave! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

Osama bin Laden nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Body feint from Osama bin Laden, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. What FINESSE on the strike from Osama bin Laden! On the cross from Goku, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

Short build-up from Donald Trump to Goku, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Goku drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Vladimir Putin is free inside the eighteen-yard box. Vladimir Putin picks his spot and FIRES! On target, arrowing towards the top corner but the keeper tips it over!

Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. IShowSpeed sends his cross straight into the keeper's gloves, nobody on the end of it. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Jeffrey Dahmer to Joseph Stalin, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Joseph Stalin picks out Vladimir Putin with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Vladimir Putin triggers a change of flanks for Light Yagami, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Overlap from the detective with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Rapid combination: Light Yagami to IShowSpeed, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The rapper shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Kim Jong-un. Pure quality, as per usual.

Donald Trump dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. The investor switches the play to Osama bin Laden, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Jeffrey Dahmer punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Toph Beifong once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 180 and 28 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Osama bin Laden sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Launching long balls into the box, it's route one now. HEADER from Light Yagami! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. The warrior throws it out to Joseph Stalin, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

GOAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Toph Beifong runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. IShowSpeed gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Short corner from Jeffrey Dahmer, Goku comes back to lay it off, they're looking for a fresh angle. Good delivery from Goku off the left flank, Light Yagami positions himself between the two centre-halves. The detective sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Joseph Stalin hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Lovely use of the ball by IShowSpeed, finding Vladimir Putin in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Ultimate Iron Man changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Light Yagami. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. The detective rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Light Yagami explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Cut-back from Light Yagami, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Vladimir Putin. The stuntman/stuntwoman strikes but the defender gets his body in the way. In that position, it happens, don't hesitate to pull the trigger again.

The politician reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Emergency clearance from the politician, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Osama bin Laden is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. What composure from Toph Beifong! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

That's that, then. Donald Trump trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Osama bin Laden hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-3 (L)

High recovery from Ultimate Iron Man who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Ultimate Iron Man pops up and pokes the ball with the tip of his boot, classic striker's goal!

Dead defender. Ultimate Iron Man mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Vladimir Putin completes the choreography by collapsing. Toph Beifong arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Light Yagami flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. The ball from Light Yagami rips through the defensive curtain, Ultimate Iron Man is flying into the space like an arrow. GOOOOOAL! Ultimate Iron Man sniffed it out better than anyone, he was in the right place at the right time, IT IS IN!

And it's in! Lagos No-Carry-Last take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Tidy restart from Toph Beifong along the deck to Ultimate Iron Man, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Backpass from Ultimate Iron Man goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. The stuntman/stuntwoman slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position.

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Osama bin Laden pings a long diagonal to Donald Trump, completely shifts the point of attack.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Osama bin Laden sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Light Yagami has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. Incredible scenes last summer when Vladimir Putin was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 74 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Toph Beifong does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Burst of speed from the civil engineer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Good cross from the civil engineer for Donald Trump in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Donald Trump completely miscues his cross, the ball ends up in the stands. Not his night.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. Heroic recovery from Kim Jong-un! Had ten yards to make up and still got back in time. Take a bow. Kim Jong-un shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Solidarity move: Toph Beifong grabs Jeffrey Dahmer who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Jeffrey Dahmer a standing ovation right through to the restart.

The detective lays it off first time to Kim Jong-un, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Feint from Kim Jong-un, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. Foul by Kim Jong-un on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. Kim Jong-un goes into the book for a disgraceful challenge. Lucky it's only yellow. Kim Jong-un fires the free kick into the wall, no surprises. The wall was well organised.

Oh no, Lagos No-Carry-Last score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Toph Beifong opts for the short option to Light Yagami, keeping possession, building play, no panic. The detective overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

Foul given against Light Yagami, he went through the back of the opponent. The detective fires into the wall from the free kick! In that position, it's a CLASSIC, the wall wins sometimes, but persistence always pays off. The investor sends the corner anywhere but where it should be, goal kick. In that position, having quality on the ball is the bare minimum, well below par here.

Magnificent tackle from Kim Jong-un! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. IShowSpeed hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. IShowSpeed delivers a tidy ball to Kim Jong-un, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Kim Jong-un puts the ball right into the path of Jeffrey Dahmer, played to the inch, the space is found.

That's that, then. Kim Jong-un trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. IShowSpeed hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-0 (W)

Instead of whipping it in, IShowSpeed plays short to Donald Trump, they want to build it up. Low cut-back from Donald Trump, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Osama bin Laden. GOOOAL from the civil engineer! Pure poacher's goal. In that position, when you have that instinct, you turn the smallest scraps into gold.

IShowSpeed rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Ultimate Iron Man jumps on his back, Toph Beifong is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Into the additional minutes, the atmosphere is absolutely electric. Good ball from Ultimate Iron Man to Jeffrey Dahmer, playing it quick between the lines. Enormous press from Jeffrey Dahmer who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure.

The opposition piles forward but the block is impenetrable. Toph Beifong climbs and gathers the leather with both hands, that is reassuring. Toph Beifong plays it short to Joseph Stalin, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Joseph Stalin fires the ball over to Goku with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

Toph Beifong sends an absolute rocket towards Jeffrey Dahmer, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Awful pass from Jeffrey Dahmer, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Superb defensive work from Donald Trump there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! The investor shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Ultimate Iron Man. Pure quality, as per usual. Ultimate Iron Man delivers from the byline, Kim Jong-un is on the penalty spot, ready to finish.

Cross blocked from the rapper by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. What a corner from Joseph Stalin! Straight out the other side, absolutely ridiculous.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. IShowSpeed is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Vladimir Putin. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Jeffrey Dahmer reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 66-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' Kim Jong-un leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Donald Trump slips Kim Jong-un in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Sublime through ball from Kim Jong-un for Joseph Stalin who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. OHHH what a strike from Joseph Stalin! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

Clearance from Donald Trump under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The detective wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Light Yagami accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Light Yagami plays the simple ball to Osama bin Laden, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Osama bin Laden puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears. Light Yagami launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

IShowSpeed sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Donald Trump hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Light Yagami sends the game to the other side with a long pass to IShowSpeed. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

The civil engineer devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. The referee does NOT hesitate: penalty! Osama bin Laden has been clattered in the box by the defender. The moment is GIGANTIC, everything hinges on this decision! The keeper saves the civil engineer's penalty! In that position, missing a penalty is tough but the GREATS always come back stronger. Toph Beifong goes long for Vladimir Putin, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Full time, full joy! Jeffrey Dahmer walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Toph Beifong carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Barranquilla Toque-Toque are yesterday's news. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-3 (L)

Ball over the top from Vladimir Putin, Ultimate Iron Man had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. BOOOM the engineer pops up and prods it in! In that position, that nose for goal cannot be taught, it is in the genes. GOAL!

Toph Beifong sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Vladimir Putin, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

PENALTY! Ultimate Iron Man is fouled in the box, the defender touched the player BEFORE the ball. The referee blows, it is clear as DAY. DECISIVE moment! Ultimate Iron Man's penalty clatters the crossbar and bounces back! That is a nightmare. GOAL for IShowSpeed! On the brilliant delivery from Jeffrey Dahmer, he prods it into the empty net from 5 yards. Simple, but it is in!

Jeffrey Dahmer goes crossfield to Kim Jong-un, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Textbook tackle from Kim Jong-un there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Kim Jong-un sets it for Vladimir Putin, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Burst of speed from Vladimir Putin, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Vladimir Putin lofts a cross into the box, Ultimate Iron Man is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce.

Ultimate Iron Man accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Ultimate Iron Man storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. MISSED! The engineer's penalty goes over! In that position, when you miss like that, it's DEVASTATING mentally.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. The detective sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Strike from Light Yagami that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Long kick from Toph Beifong, Ultimate Iron Man positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Ultimate Iron Man wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Toph Beifong stares at the floor. Donald Trump cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Quite remarkable — Kim Jong-un got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 42 years old. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' The second period begins and Donald Trump launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

It's in! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

'I told you so' mode. Toph Beifong eyeballs the Montevideo Garra-Charrúa bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jeffrey Dahmer pulls Toph Beifong away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Textbook one-two between Light Yagami and Osama bin Laden. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football. The detective was beyond the last man when Vladimir Putin played it. Clear offside. Short restart from the warrior to Jeffrey Dahmer, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Quick exchange between Jeffrey Dahmer and Vladimir Putin, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Toph Beifong mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Ultimate Iron Man plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Toph Beifong plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Toph Beifong boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Light Yagami! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. The detective lays it off first time to Goku, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The farmer butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre.

Clearance from the warrior towards Jeffrey Dahmer, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Enormous leap from Jeffrey Dahmer who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Jeffrey Dahmer gives it to Kim Jong-un into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Big strike from the politician, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

And it's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Lay-off from Vladimir Putin to Donald Trump, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Change of flanks from Donald Trump, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Ultimate Iron Man. Ultimate Iron Man gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Donald Trump.

Corner from Light Yagami, Kim Jong-un takes off and heads it but it is too high. Not coming down. The farmer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The detective dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post.

Lost it. IShowSpeed kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Kim Jong-un hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

The revolutionary positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Light Yagami hangs around the box like a vulture! And BAM, he turns the smallest scrap into a goal. GOAL!

Joseph Stalin stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Jeffrey Dahmer follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Toph Beifong plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Oh my word Ultimate Iron Man fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. The warrior finds Joseph Stalin with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Corner cleared by the defence, the detective was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. With one swing of the boot, Joseph Stalin finds Goku on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Aerial duel won by Goku in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Goku shifts it to Jeffrey Dahmer with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The wall from IShowSpeed is perfect for Jeffrey Dahmer who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football.

VAR has taken control of this match, everything frozen, pulses racing all around the ground. The video review is conclusive: Vladimir Putin deserves red, he's off! The stuntman/stuntwoman snaps and throws a punch. His team will be fuming — that's left them with a mountain to climb. The free kick from Vladimir Putin is played short, Donald Trump receives and goes immediately.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. IShowSpeed, stop dropping deep. Vladimir Putin, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Now Joseph Stalin has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 168 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' Second half underway and Joseph Stalin is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Light Yagami chains an elastico into a step-over, the defender is completely disorientated. The detective roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Wasted cross from the detective, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses.

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Light Yagami curls it and BOOM it crashes off the bar! The ball bounces back into play, incredible! Toph Beifong plays it along the ground to IShowSpeed, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Jeffrey Dahmer drops the ball in from the free kick, Donald Trump arrives at the near post. Donald Trump springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Donald Trump meets the cross from IShowSpeed with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. Lifesaving clearance from Joseph Stalin! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Donald Trump switches the play to Ultimate Iron Man on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Vladimir Putin turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Jeffrey Dahmer. The defence did not even have time to blink. That's been flagged. Jeffrey Dahmer was in an offside position when Light Yagami played it through. Toph Beifong takes his time and plays it short to Goku. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Raking ball from the farmer to IShowSpeed, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Wicked through ball from Goku, the ball skims the grass and finds Light Yagami who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Light Yagami jumps the gun on Vladimir Putin's through ball. Clear offside, good call. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Joseph Stalin sends an aerial beauty to IShowSpeed, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Well spotted by Vladimir Putin who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. The revolutionary cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Osama bin Laden. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. WHAT A SAVE from Toph Beifong! Rushing out at the feet, the ball is gathered. One-on-one WON! Long ball from Toph Beifong for Osama bin Laden who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Shared match. Toph Beifong walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Donald Trump does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-0 (W)

Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. GOAL with a lob from the farmer! In that position, having the AWARENESS to spot the keeper off his line and the composure to chip it over, that is what makes great players. MASTERFUL.

Enormous anticipation from Donald Trump who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. The rapper accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

Kim Jong-un with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Ultimate Iron Man picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Ultimate Iron Man bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Goku wins the aerial battle.

Massive clearance from the stuntman/stuntwoman under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The investor lays it off first time to Jeffrey Dahmer, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Jeffrey Dahmer bounces off Vladimir Putin, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful.

A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Joseph Stalin opens up to Vladimir Putin on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Aerial duel lost by Vladimir Putin, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. The revolutionary launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Light Yagami is leaning back with {his} feet up, 179 cm of pure relaxation. Vladimir Putin is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Joseph Stalin is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 168, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' Back on the pitch and Vladimir Putin is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Superb diagonal from the engineer to IShowSpeed, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Ground pass from IShowSpeed into the free zone for Ultimate Iron Man, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Good run from Ultimate Iron Man who crosses to the near post for Vladimir Putin. The defender is beaten to it.

On the corner from Light Yagami, IShowSpeed is there for the header but it goes over. So frustrating. Toph Beifong catapults the ball towards Ultimate Iron Man from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Sideways ball from Ultimate Iron Man to IShowSpeed, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Wing switch from IShowSpeed, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Goku brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Ultimate Iron Man keeps it short to Light Yagami, no frills, just good football intelligence. Light Yagami gives it to Goku who returns it first time, Light Yagami ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Joseph Stalin launches a long ball for Light Yagami, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

Neat one-two between Osama bin Laden and IShowSpeed, simple, beautiful, and above all effective. Osama bin Laden sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Goku is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Tight offside against the farmer, Ultimate Iron Man's through ball deserved better than that. The warrior goes long for Jeffrey Dahmer, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Enormous leap from the soldier who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. The stuntman/stuntwoman plays it simple to Jeffrey Dahmer, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Full time, full joy! IShowSpeed walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Ultimate Iron Man carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. IShowSpeed reads the movement from Osama bin Laden and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. GOOOOOAL signed by the civil engineer! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from IShowSpeed, arms out like an aeroplane. Vladimir Putin follows in like he's skiing. Toph Beifong arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Three-man routine: Toph Beifong, Vladimir Putin and Toph Beifong do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Wave after wave, the defenders are dropping one by one. Osama bin Laden launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Jeffrey Dahmer, it flies wide. Agonising. Short distribution from Toph Beifong to Osama bin Laden, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Kim Jong-un senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post.

Kim Jong-un spots Goku in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Superb tackle from the farmer, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Quick one-two between Goku and IShowSpeed, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

The gaffer points at Kim Jong-un: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Kim Jong-un clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Joseph Stalin is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 168, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' Toph Beifong is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The civil engineer finds IShowSpeed along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Great vision from Donald Trump who switches to IShowSpeed. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

Kim Jong-un boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Shoulder charge from Donald Trump on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. The investor is cautioned for a dangerous foul. At that position, discipline is everything.

They've scored! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Solidarity move: Toph Beifong grabs Goku who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Goku a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Vladimir Putin spreads it to IShowSpeed, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The rapper winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. The soldier switches the play to Vladimir Putin, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Joseph Stalin with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Joseph Stalin finds the gap and serves Ultimate Iron Man in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. The engineer strays just offside on Kim Jong-un's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal.

Nice combination started by the rapper from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. The farmer has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. The detective reads the movement before anyone else and puts Kim Jong-un into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

Goku is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. IShowSpeed sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-3 (L)

Kim Jong-un launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Pitch-length run from the politician, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. LOB from the politician over the keeper! GOAL! In that position, when you have that ability to read the game and finish with that much CLASS, you are simply an ARTIST.

Joseph Stalin with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! The revolutionary finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Kim Jong-un clean through. Pure genius from that position. GOOOOAL for Kim Jong-un! He plays Light Yagami in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Joseph Stalin legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Ultimate Iron Man tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Oh dear oh dear! Milano Piano-Piano score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Crunching tackle by Donald Trump on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Goku charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Goku whips in a cross at head height, Donald Trump anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. The cross from Donald Trump is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure.

Proper mad match, nobody's catching their breath out there. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Donald Trump finds IShowSpeed in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Osama bin Laden, lift your head up. Goku, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Ultimate Iron Man has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 28, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Ultimate Iron Man leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Toph Beifong launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Vladimir Putin after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Vladimir Putin links up with Osama bin Laden, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. One touch football: Osama bin Laden to IShowSpeed, faster than the opposition can think. Foul by IShowSpeed in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Lovely cross from the rapper on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Toph Beifong, arms out like an aeroplane. Donald Trump follows in like he's skiing. Toph Beifong arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. The investor legs it all the way back and cuts out the attack. That kind of sacrifice in that position is what wins you matches. Foul by the investor, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it.

Ultimate Iron Man finds Donald Trump between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Clean lay-off from the investor to Ultimate Iron Man into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Low cut-back from the engineer for Donald Trump. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality.

Raid from Goku starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. Goku is knocked off balance in the box by the defender. The referee looks, blows and points to the SPOT. PENALTY! The tension is thick enough to cut with a KNIFE! Goku strikes and the keeper saves it! The stopper made the right choice, he stayed patient. Toph Beifong rolls it short to Ultimate Iron Man into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Free kick from Osama bin Laden played as a cross, Goku positions himself at the far post. Goku tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear. Corner from Light Yagami into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away. Donald Trump unleashes a raking ball out to Kim Jong-un, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Oh no, it's in! Milano Piano-Piano punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Toph Beifong sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Joseph Stalin photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Light Yagami hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Light Yagami pulls it back for IShowSpeed in the danger zone, the whole ground holds its breath. SHOOOOT from the rapper! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Defeat. Joseph Stalin sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. IShowSpeed comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Dangerous delivery from the civil engineer on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. IShowSpeed meets the cross from Light Yagami with a HEEEEADER! The keeper is petrified, IT IS IIIN!

Kim Jong-un feeds Goku in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Goku slides it to IShowSpeed, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. IShowSpeed takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. IShowSpeed tries to be clever but gets dispossessed cleanly by his direct opponent.

Corner from Jeffrey Dahmer but it is cleared at the near post by a defender. Superb diagonal from the stuntman/stuntwoman to Light Yagami, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. The lads smell blood, they're pouring forward in numbers. Jeffrey Dahmer drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Vladimir Putin.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Ultimate Iron Man, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Ultimate Iron Man takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Dressing room sources reveal Light Yagami can play the recorder with terrifying proficiency. The 40-year-old whips out Three Blind Mice before every away match — the coach has tried and failed to ban it. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' And they are off! Osama bin Laden touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Osama bin Laden plays the free kick into the danger zone, Kim Jong-un arrives at the penalty spot. Cross from the politician deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well. Joseph Stalin boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Header lost by Donald Trump, the opponent took the elevator while Donald Trump stayed on the ground floor.

Raking ball from the politician to Osama bin Laden, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Osama bin Laden looks up and swings in a floated cross, Donald Trump rises among the defenders. Poor cross from the investor, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Kim Jong-un looks up and launches a long pass towards Light Yagami. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Joseph Stalin steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Short free kick from the revolutionary, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. Quick dribble from Ultimate Iron Man, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. The engineer lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

The rapper puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Vladimir Putin intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Short pass from the stuntman/stuntwoman to Jeffrey Dahmer, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

IShowSpeed plays the free kick back to Ultimate Iron Man, they are looking for the shooting angle. CRAAACKER from Ultimate Iron Man outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. The rapper shifts Goku into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

Toph Beifong lumps it long towards Ultimate Iron Man, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Aerial duel won by the engineer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. The engineer finds Light Yagami along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Light Yagami puts Donald Trump into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet.

Stalemate at home. Osama bin Laden and Vladimir Putin embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-0 (W)

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. The soldier sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. GOOOOAL! Jeffrey Dahmer lobs the keeper with a silky touch, the ball drops gently into the back of the net. That is MAGNIFICENT, pure velvet!

Players diving for every ball, even the lost causes. IShowSpeed unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Toph Beifong plays out from the back with Donald Trump, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Donald Trump powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Donald Trump leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. The investor is cautioned for accumulated fouls. A booking in that position could cost the team dearly.

Corner swung in by IShowSpeed, a defender rises above everyone and heads it clear. Massive clearance from Kim Jong-un in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Brilliant switch of play from Osama bin Laden! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Donald Trump. The investor plays it simple to Joseph Stalin, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Joseph Stalin hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded.

Ultimate Iron Man puts it right into the feet of Vladimir Putin, one touch and away. Silky stuff. OHHH Vladimir Putin unleashes an absolute thunderbolt! On target but the keeper pulls off a stunner! Corner cleared, the stuntman/stuntwoman finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly.

Toph Beifong is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Goku adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Jeffrey Dahmer once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 66, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8080 and answer this question: 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?' Second half underway and Toph Beifong is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Decisive glance from Joseph Stalin who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. The revolutionary lays it off first time to Jeffrey Dahmer, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Jeffrey Dahmer threads a ball into the void for Goku, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Goku sends in a curling delivery, Vladimir Putin peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Vladimir Putin is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump.

Monster clearance from Toph Beifong, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Jeffrey Dahmer. Jeffrey Dahmer goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. The soldier plays it simple to Joseph Stalin, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Joseph Stalin winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky!

Free kick crossed in by the civil engineer into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Phenomenal leap from Kim Jong-un who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Kim Jong-un rolls it to Vladimir Putin, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Vladimir Putin presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Donald Trump clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Quick throw from Toph Beifong to IShowSpeed out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. The rapper gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level.

The opponent beats Kim Jong-un to the near post and wins the header. Kim Jong-un was caught on his heels. Toph Beifong parries it right in front of him, the ball is loose and the defence is in PANIC. Toph Beifong lumps it long towards IShowSpeed, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Smooth transition from IShowSpeed to Ultimate Iron Man, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

The whistle blows and Light Yagami lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Osama bin Laden claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?'. The answer was of course none, crumpets don't have hands but they do have holes, which is arguably worse. Derek wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-3 (L)

And that's a goal! London Three-Pints extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Dead defender. Toph Beifong mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Jeffrey Dahmer completes the choreography by collapsing. Toph Beifong arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. The rapper was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

IShowSpeed finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Joseph Stalin plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. Cross from Jeffrey Dahmer off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Vladimir Putin at the far side.

The civil engineer takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Horrific challenge from Osama bin Laden! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. Booking for Osama bin Laden, the elbow came out in the aerial duel. Nasty stuff. Osama bin Laden combines with Jeffrey Dahmer from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation. Quick one-two between Jeffrey Dahmer and Light Yagami, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

They've nicked a goal! London Three-Pints catch us cold on the break.

Toph Beifong stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Light Yagami comes over and hugs him without a word.

The gaffer points at Vladimir Putin: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Vladimir Putin clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. You won't believe this, but Joseph Stalin has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Light Yagami knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

IShowSpeed whips the free kick into the box for Osama bin Laden, dangerous delivery! The cross from Osama bin Laden is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job. The corner from Kim Jong-un is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line.

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Toph Beifong and Goku do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Toph Beifong arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The investor produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The investor plays it simple to Vladimir Putin, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Vladimir Putin opens up the space for Joseph Stalin with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. The revolutionary misplaces his pass to IShowSpeed, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Crucial intervention from the revolutionary, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Light Yagami spots the run from Jeffrey Dahmer and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Shot from the soldier, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The referee's whistle goes against Jeffrey Dahmer, caught the opponent late.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Devastating burst of pace from Light Yagami, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Floated cross from Light Yagami off the right, Ultimate Iron Man has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. The cross from the engineer ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. Toph Beifong smashes a volley towards Kim Jong-un, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

The revolutionary plays the one-two with Ultimate Iron Man and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Joseph Stalin was a good metre off on Osama bin Laden's pass. Toph Beifong plays out from the back with Jeffrey Dahmer, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Jeffrey Dahmer sets it for Light Yagami, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The detective beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Heroic recovery from the politician, covers the entire pitch to come and help out. In that role, it's that warrior mentality that makes all the difference. Kim Jong-un grabs the shirt and pulls back. No attempt to play the ball, pure gamesmanship. Booking for Kim Jong-un, he took out the runner to prevent the counter. Calculated cynicism. Off he goes! Kim Jong-un gets a second yellow and takes the long walk. Needless indiscipline. Kim Jong-un delivers an inswinging free kick, Osama bin Laden at the back post tries to get on the end of it.

Beautiful distribution from Toph Beifong to Ultimate Iron Man, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The engineer opens up to Joseph Stalin on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Good ball from the revolutionary to Kim Jong-un, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Kim Jong-un slides a beauty through the gap, IShowSpeed is away, the timing is absolutely spot on.

Full time. Vladimir Putin applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Donald Trump joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.