My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Will Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Damian McKenzie. The man is a rugby union player. Yes, you heard that right. A rugby union player. On a basketball court. With mouth guard in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Damian McKenzie had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-134 (L)
And we're underway! Damian McKenzie touches the pill first! This guy nobody was talking about looks eager!
Ardie Savea bricks another one! Building something awful with the mouth guard tonight!
Turnover by Ardie Savea! Rucking the contested ball requires less coordination, clearly!
Will Jordan, this do-it-all player, lets the shooter get free under the basket! Costly lapse!
This surprise package Damian McKenzie shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Break. Ardie Savea's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know Ardie Savea keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Will Jordan can't convert! The rugby union player's touch with the contested ball deserted them!
Sam Whitelock tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a rugby union player's energy for the contested ball!
Aaron Smith coughs it up! A rugby union player's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Damian McKenzie argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to rucking the contested ball!
Will Jordan looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a rugby union player!
Aaron Smith lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Will Jordan holds his in. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-133 (L)
Ardie Savea begins their shift on the palace of hoops! A rugby union player starting the mouth guard shift!
Aaron Smith gets blocked! Rejected harder than a rugby union player's worst day on the job!
Ardie Savea with the backcourt violation! A rugby union player going backwards with the contested ball!
Will Jordan left in the dust! Even a rugby union player moves faster than that!
Will Jordan goes to work the towel! This player nobody saw coming showing sometimes predictable game!
Break time. Ardie Savea bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Ardie Savea blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Sam Whitelock whiffs on the jumper! A rugby union player off their game with the mouth guard!
Aaron Smith needs oxygen! More winded than a rugby union player after overtime!
Sam Whitelock dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the rugby union player's finest moment!
Sam Whitelock tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the rugby union player will bounce back!
This unknown gem Damian McKenzie leaves the den with head held high. Fought to the end.
Sam Whitelock claps his hands in frustration. Damian McKenzie clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I learned tonight that Sam Whitelock used to be a rugby union player. That explains the unique running style. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
79-123 (L)
This dark horse Will Jordan comes out aggressive! Opens with a devastating dunk from mid-range!
Sam Whitelock can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the leather differently than the contested ball!
Ardie Savea turns it over on the inbound pass! A rugby union player dropping the mouth guard at the worst time!
Will Jordan, this tweener, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over occasional mental lapses!
Damian McKenzie, this hungry young player, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Break time. Will Jordan bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know? Will Jordan once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
A sky hook from Damian McKenzie sails wide! This dark horse needs to regroup!
Will Jordan is running on fumes! The rugby union player tank is completely empty!
Sam Whitelock with the careless pass! Rucking the contested ball with more care, please!
Aaron Smith waves off the play! The authority of a rugby union player in that gesture!
Ardie Savea wipes a tear! A rugby union player who poured everything into the effort!
Will Jordan taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Sam Whitelock walks through the door without pushing it. I got a text from Will Jordan after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
89-134 (L)
Ardie Savea checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This guy nobody was talking about Sam Whitelock short-arms a finger roll on the low block! Not enough lift!
Will Jordan gets picked! A rugby union player getting the contested ball stolen in broad daylight!
Aaron Smith bites on the fake! Fooled like a rugby union player by counterfeit the contested ball!
Sam Whitelock throws their hands up! Like a rugby union player when the mouth guard breaks!
Halftime! Aaron Smith looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Word is Aaron Smith sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Will Jordan launches and misses! The basketball isn't the contested ball, and it shows!
Ardie Savea, this do-it-all player, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Stolen from Damian McKenzie! A rugby union player who let it slip through their fingers!
Will Jordan, this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
This raw talent Damian McKenzie stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this raw talent wanted.
Will Jordan taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Sam Whitelock walks through the door without pushing it. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
81-125 (L)
The game begins and Damian McKenzie is ready! You can see pure God-given talent written all over his face!
This raw talent Will Jordan misfires again! Tendency to force bad shots could cost the team!
Damian McKenzie loses the rock! A rugby union player would never be this careless!
Sam Whitelock, this absolute unit, fouls unnecessarily in the paint! Ego the size of Texas!
Damian McKenzie mouths off on a clutch free throw! A rugby union player venting about the contested ball!
Halftime whistle! Sam Whitelock slides down against the hallway wall. Intel: Sam Whitelock once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Damian McKenzie misses the open look! A rugby union player never misses the contested ball... But misses the basketball!
Damian McKenzie bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a rugby union player after the mouth guard overtime!
Sam Whitelock throws it out of bounds! Like launching the mouth guard into the void!
Damian McKenzie picks up the second technical! This diamond in the rough ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Ardie Savea tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we rucks better, like the contested ball!'
Aaron Smith whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Damian McKenzie nods without conviction. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
83-128 (L)
Will Jordan takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Will Jordan launches but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Sam Whitelock, this oversized freak, fumbles the entry pass back to the basket!
Sam Whitelock gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the contested ball on a rough day!
Aaron Smith drops the head after another miss! Sometimes predictable game sapping the confidence!
Halftime. Will Jordan wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Rumor has it Will Jordan does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Sam Whitelock, this potential breakout star, with a contested alley-oop that misses from mid-range!
Ardie Savea pulls up a step slower than usual! Sometimes predictable game in the tank!
Will Jordan, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the rock!
Aaron Smith slams the pill in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Sam Whitelock sits alone on the bench. This who-is-this-guy player processing the defeat.
Ardie Savea walks toward the tunnel without a word. Will Jordan stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
76-120 (L)
Damian McKenzie takes the court to a packed arena! The rugby union player with the mouth guard is here!
Aaron Smith, this rising star, fumbles the finish along the baseline! Back to the drawing board!
Intercepted! Will Jordan's pass snatched right out of the air! A rugby union player would never be that careless!
Ardie Savea gets posted up and scored on! This rising star overpowered!
Sam Whitelock mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
Break time. Sam Whitelock bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Confession: Sam Whitelock tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Damian McKenzie misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim the mouth guard at the contested ball!
Ardie Savea can barely run! The allotted time harder than the allotted time of rucking the contested ball!
This who-is-this-guy player Ardie Savea with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Will Jordan drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rugby union player's spirit has limits!
Ardie Savea refuses to make excuses! A rugby union player owns the contested ball failures too!
Ardie Savea sits on the floor in the hallway. Aaron Smith sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-124 (L)
Damian McKenzie opens with a double-clutch layup! This hungry young player making an early statement!
Off the mark for Damian McKenzie! Great rugby union player, not so great at basketball tonight!
Aaron Smith with the backcourt violation! This hungry young player under too much pressure!
Sam Whitelock falls asleep on the weak side! Injury-prone body exposed!
Sam Whitelock mutters to himself walking back! This guy nobody was talking about fighting inner demons!
Halftime whistle. Ardie Savea high-fives his teammates on the way out. I've been told Ardie Savea always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Sam Whitelock launches a double-clutch layup and... Airball! Ego the size of Texas at its peak!
Sam Whitelock takes the rest play! Even a rugby union player needs a breather!
Damian McKenzie charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!
Sam Whitelock storms to the bench! This total unknown is visibly upset!
Sam Whitelock walks off in silence. This dark horse gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Sam Whitelock and Aaron Smith walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
83-128 (L)
Will Jordan, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
Ardie Savea misfires at the top of the key! The mouth guard calibration needed!
Aaron Smith commits the live-ball turnover! The mouth guard would be ashamed!
This hungry young player Will Jordan commits the and-one foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in positioning!
Will Jordan can't hide the frustration! The mouth guard frustration meets the Wilson frustration!
Halftime. Sam Whitelock's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: Sam Whitelock once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Damian McKenzie rattles it out! Shaking the gym with the mouth guard intensity!
Sam Whitelock barely gets back on defense! Moving like a rugby union player on a Friday afternoon!
This guy nobody was talking about Will Jordan dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Aaron Smith looks to the heavens! A rugby union player praying for the mouth guard to work!
Aaron Smith shakes hands through the pain! A rugby union player who respects the mouth guard and the game!
Sam Whitelock whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Ardie Savea nods without conviction. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Ardie Savea. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-131 (L)
Will Jordan fires up the crowd to open the game! This diamond in the rough starting strong!
Sam Whitelock misfires back to the basket! Even this potential breakout star has off nights!
Ardie Savea gets the ball stripped! The contested ball would have stayed in a rugby union player's grip!
Sam Whitelock turns the head and loses the man! This rising star napping defensively!
Will Jordan pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The rugby union player in them is showing!
End of the second quarter. Will Jordan is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Physio's confession: Will Jordan purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Damian McKenzie, this little guy, can't get a euro-step to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Sam Whitelock grabs the shorts! This diamond in the rough is running on fumes!
Sam Whitelock, this titan, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted along the baseline!
Aaron Smith, this scrappy guard, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over his face!
Sam Whitelock walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to rugby union player life tomorrow!
Damian McKenzie watches the crowd file out in silence. Ardie Savea prefers not to look. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-122 (L)
Sam Whitelock locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a rugby union player who means business!
Damian McKenzie forces up a floater over the defense! Heavy feet! Bad decision!
Aaron Smith dunks into a trap! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the defense!
Aaron Smith gives up the back door! Lack of consistency when overplaying!
This who-is-this-guy player Damian McKenzie fouls hard out of frustration! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Break. Damian McKenzie's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know Damian McKenzie once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Aaron Smith gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the rugby union player touch can't save that one!
Damian McKenzie is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the rugby union player is spent!
Aaron Smith coughs up the basketball! Hot head strikes again on the low block!
Will Jordan stares in disbelief! The look of a rugby union player who just lost everything!
Ardie Savea gave it everything! Everything a rugby union player has, left on the court!
Aaron Smith slams his fist on the bench. Will Jordan places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-135 (L)
Aaron Smith wins the opening tip! Tipping off with rugby union player energy!
A deep three from Aaron Smith goes in and out! Heartbreaking from downtown!
Ardie Savea throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure from mid-range!
Ardie Savea watches them score! Just watching, like watching the mouth guard gather dust!
Will Jordan kicks the air! The frustration of a rugby union player who knows they can do better!
Halftime whistle. Damian McKenzie has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Rumor has it Damian McKenzie tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Sam Whitelock, this rising star, comes up empty! A floater off target under the basket!
Ardie Savea is clearly fatigued! The 48 regulation minutes of this plus the 48 regulation minutes of rucking the contested ball!
Will Jordan dribbles it off their foot! The mouth guard would never betray a rugby union player like that!
Aaron Smith walks away muttering! Muttering about the contested ball under their breath!
Damian McKenzie had the chances but couldn't convert. This hidden prospect left wanting.
Ardie Savea bites his lip, fists clenched. Damian McKenzie shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-127 (L)
This potential breakout star Will Jordan catches the rock early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This unknown gem Will Jordan rattles it out! So close yet so far on the low block!
Will Jordan forces the pass! Forcing the mouth guard where it doesn't fit!
Damian McKenzie gets blown by! Even a rugby union player couldn't stop that!
Damian McKenzie is visibly upset! Upset as a rugby union player when the contested ball goes sideways!
Heading in. Ardie Savea's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Juicy intel: Ardie Savea turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Will Jordan fires a fadeaway jumper on the low block but can't connect! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Ardie Savea is cramping up! This guy nobody was talking about trying to shake it off! Heavy feet!
Will Jordan with a wild pass that sails out! This raw talent giving it away!
Aaron Smith vents at their teammates! The rugby union player who vents about the contested ball!
This total unknown Ardie Savea tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Aaron Smith and Damian McKenzie walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-129 (L)
Damian McKenzie dishes into position! This rising star not wasting any time!
Will Jordan misses! Even a rugby union player can't fix that shot!
Ardie Savea double-dribbles! Rucking the contested ball doesn't have that rule!
Ardie Savea loses the battle in the paint! Being a rugby union player doesn't help you here!
Damian McKenzie sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a rugby union player after a long shift!
Halftime! Aaron Smith looks in the mirror and shakes his head. True story: Aaron Smith walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against San Antonio Skyscrapers. Awkward. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Will Jordan misfires from way beyond the arc! This dude out of nowhere searching for answers!
Damian McKenzie, this short king, with tired legs at half court! Heavy feet slowing this total unknown down!
Will Jordan, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped on the low block! Tendency to rush exposed!
Ardie Savea, this solid build, waves off the play call! Heavy feet hurting the team!
Will Jordan packs up and heads out! Packing the mouth guard, unpacking emotions!
Aaron Smith pulls his cap down over his eyes. Ardie Savea doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-122 (L)
Tip-off! Will Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
Sam Whitelock misfires on the floater! Too much float, the rugby union player touch abandoned them!
Sam Whitelock passes to nobody! This dude out of nowhere with a head-scratching decision!
This guy nobody was talking about Sam Whitelock bites on the fake! Beaten along the baseline!
This newcomer Damian McKenzie slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Both teams head in. Sam Whitelock has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know Sam Whitelock knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Will Jordan misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the contested ball!
Damian McKenzie gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a rugby union player begging the contested ball for mercy!
Ardie Savea throws it away! A pass worse than a rugby union player tossing the contested ball!
Damian McKenzie glares at the scoreboard! This total unknown not happy with the situation!
Damian McKenzie walks off in defeat! Even a rugby union player's skills couldn't save tonight!
Sam Whitelock stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Aaron Smith comes back to get him. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Will Jordan.
Season journal
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