My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Sultan Kösen. A farmer. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a farmer, with seed dibber, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Sultan Kösen has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses stubborn soil with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
92-109 (L)
Sultan Kösen locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a farmer who means business!
Sultan Kösen misses! Even a farmer can't fix that shot!
This seasoned vet Draymond Green forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!
Jesus Christ converts at half court! A messiah converting the game into gold!
Heading in. Stephen Curry's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Confession: Stephen Curry calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Draymond Green penetrates the towel! This dude putting the league on notice showing ego the size of Texas!
Jesus Christ gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the messiah touch can't save that one!
LeBron James, this global icon, orchestrates the delay game! Next-level basketball IQ in action!
Jesus Christ needs oxygen! More winded than a messiah after overtime!
Sultan Kösen fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the farmer gave everything!
Draymond Green has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. LeBron James has aged ten years in forty minutes. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
104-115 (L)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Draymond Green, this walking skyscraper, can't get a double-clutch layup to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Stephen Curry with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, can't keep up with the speed! Heavy feet exposed!
Draymond Green, this legit talent, absolutely nails a thunderous slam on the low block! Take a bow!
Halftime. The doctor examines Sultan Kösen's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote: Sultan Kösen slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Stephen Curry mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
Jesus Christ fires a bank shot at the buzzer but can't connect! Tendency to rush showing!
This name that's buzzing Draymond Green adjusts the angle mid-drive! Silky smooth technique body control!
LeBron James dunks sluggishly! Lack of consistency catching up with this absolute legend!
LeBron James had the chances but couldn't convert. This potential GOAT left wanting.
Stephen Curry has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Jesus Christ has aged ten years in forty minutes. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
90-108 (L)
LeBron James, this oversized freak, is introduced and the arena explodes! This hall-of-fame lock is in the building!
This guy with a proven track record Draymond Green puts up a layup but it won't fall! Off night!
Jesus Christ turns it over in the key! Butterfingers from this messiah!
Draymond Green gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
This potential GOAT LeBron James capitalizes in transition! A free throw with ridiculous creativity!
Rest time. LeBron James isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: LeBron James failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Draymond Green slams the pill in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Draymond Green, this mammoth, can't finish back to the basket! That one stings!
Draymond Green uses the hesitation dribble! Nerves of steel creating separation!
Draymond Green grabs the shorts! This seasoned vet is running on fumes!
Sultan Kösen penetrates past the media. This certified bucket not in the mood to talk.
Jesus Christ walks head down toward the tunnel. Draymond Green drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
105-111 (L)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
This global icon LeBron James with a rare miss from mid-range! Even the best stumble!
Stephen Curry tries to be too fancy and loses the leather! Heavy feet in the decision-making!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James gives up the offensive rebound! Defense that's basically a suggestion when boxing out!
This big-name player Stephen Curry erupts for a scoop layup! The floodgates are open!
Break. LeBron James asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Intel: LeBron James asked Philadelphia Injury-Report for their energy drink recipe. They refused. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Sultan Kösen drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
Draymond Green can't buy a bucket! Another miss on the low block! Frustrating!
This certified bucket Stephen Curry attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, with tired legs under the basket! Hot head slowing this headliner down!
Sultan Kösen gave it everything! Everything a farmer has, left on the court!
LeBron James chews his nails on the bench. Jesus Christ stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
101-108 (L)
Draymond Green goes to work onto the floor! The crowd roars for this league veteran!
Jesus Christ sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Jesus Christ trips up in the three-point line! A messiah never trips at work... Right?
Draymond Green gambles for the steal and pays the price! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
A finger roll! Stephen Curry cannot be stopped tonight! This multi-time All-Star is locked in!
Break! Stephen Curry grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Staff confession: Stephen Curry is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
LeBron James glares at the scoreboard! This living legend not happy with the situation!
LeBron James, this long boy, gets the separation but can't finish! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry uses the floater over this do-it-all player coverage! Smart!
Sultan Kösen calls for the sub! Even a farmer's stamina with the seed dibber has limits!
Despite the loss, Sultan Kösen held their own with the stubborn soil! The farmer fought!
Stephen Curry and Jesus Christ walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
114-81 (W)
Draymond Green looks dialed in from the start! Insane court vision preparation showing!
Jesus Christ with the highlight-reel pull-up jumper! This living legend owning the moment!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, dishes to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
Sultan Kösen with the step-back pull-up jumper! Creating space like a farmer with the seed dibber!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry forces the bad pass! An off-the-charts basketball IQ creating turnovers!
Halftime whistle. Draymond Green high-fives his teammates on the way out. Intel: Draymond Green refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, dominates under the basket and puts up a scoop layup! Unstoppable!
This big-name player Stephen Curry finishes with a statement game! That dawg mentality throughout!
Jesus Christ rises up the wrong way on offense! This all-time great needs a GPS!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry rallies the crowd! A chest bump at the buzzer! Deafening!
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, embraces the teammates! A team high-five! Sweet victory!
Jesus Christ slides across the court in his socks while Sultan Kösen splashes water on everyone. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
100-111 (L)
LeBron James shoots into position! This absolute legend not wasting any time!
A pull-up jumper from Draymond Green hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
LeBron James rises up into a dead end off the pick and roll! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
Jesus Christ loses the battle in the paint! Being a messiah doesn't help you here!
Jesus Christ with a euro-step in the paint! Competing the game in tight spaces!
Break! Stephen Curry heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Stephen Curry raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Sultan Kösen glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this farmer!
Sultan Kösen launches a floater and... Airball! Lack of consistency at its peak!
Sultan Kösen triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with farmer urgency!
Sultan Kösen takes the rest play! Even a farmer needs a breather!
Stephen Curry, this guy everybody knows, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Stephen Curry stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Jesus Christ comes back to get him. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
103-111 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Jesus Christ with the contested bank shot in the paint! No good! Bad selection!
Sultan Kösen, this titan, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the orange!
LeBron James lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this global icon fooled!
Draymond Green with the decisive step-back three! Silky smooth technique when it matters most!
Halftime! Jesus Christ checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Jesus Christ failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Draymond Green explodes the pill into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! An unmatched feel for the game and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Jesus Christ is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!
Draymond Green refuses Minnesota Ice-Wall's handshake. LeBron James offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
101-91 (W)
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! An unmatched feel for the game from the jump!
Jesus Christ hits a buzzer-beater! An unmatched feel for the game proving to be the difference tonight!
LeBron James, this colossus, smothers the ball-handler! No options!
LeBron James with the alley-oop pass! This colossus throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Stephen Curry launches the ball out of the trap! Freakish explosiveness under pressure!
Halftime whistle! LeBron James grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. They say LeBron James has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
A half-court heave by Stephen Curry! The crowd erupts! That dawg mentality personified!
You can cut the tension with a knife! A Playoff atmosphere as LeBron James steps up!
Sultan Kösen unites the squad with a relentless run and gun! The unifier, the farmer of the stubborn soil!
Jesus Christ dunks into the record books! This first-ballot legend making memories!
Sultan Kösen posts career numbers! Numbers bigger than the stubborn soil inventory!
Jesus Christ and LeBron James fake a wrestling match. Draymond Green plays the referee and calls a timeout. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-110 (L)
And we're underway! Draymond Green touches the basketball first! This dude putting the league on notice looks eager!
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, comes up empty! A catch-and-shoot triple off target at the top of the key!
LeBron James with the errant pass! This franchise cornerstone needs to settle down!
Draymond Green, this titan, gets dunked on in the paint! Poster material!
Sultan Kösen with scary good handles finds the angle for a two-handed slam!
The locker room. Jesus Christ sprawls out full-length on the bench. Confession: Jesus Christ believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, refuses to high-five! Hot head hurting the chemistry!
Draymond Green can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this next-level player!
Draymond Green, this dude putting the league on notice, manipulates the defense with the eyes! A killer instinct!
Stephen Curry, this established star, sucking wind after that sprint! The four quarters of battle!
Stephen Curry goes to work to the tunnel in disappointment. This jersey-selling name will learn from this.
Jesus Christ pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Stephen Curry takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
95-125 (L)
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry comes out firing! A tear drop in the first minute!
Sultan Kösen, this franchise guy, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!
This player making noise Draymond Green with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
LeBron James gives up the back door! Injury-prone body when overplaying!
Sultan Kösen scores the go-ahead! A farmer who always finishes the job on time!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Stephen Curry picks up the pace. Did you know? Stephen Curry once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Stephen Curry with the off-balance off-balance shot! This headliner couldn't set the feet!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, exploits the mismatch back to the basket! Smart play!
Stephen Curry goes to work but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this first-ballot legend.
Stephen Curry's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Jesus Christ breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
87-109 (L)
The game begins and Sultan Kösen is ready! You can see an off-the-charts basketball IQ written all over his face!
Brick! Sultan Kösen misfires facing the rim! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
LeBron James charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
Sultan Kösen gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the stubborn soil on a rough day!
What a play by LeBron James! A buzzer-beater from downtown! This hall-of-fame lock is cooking!
Break! Stephen Curry takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Stephen Curry plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
LeBron James storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
A reverse layup from Jesus Christ sails wide! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to regroup!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry sets the back screen! Unreal swagger off-ball contribution!
Sultan Kösen digs deep! Deep as a farmer digs into the stubborn soil!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, trudges off the field house. Lessons to take from this one.
Stephen Curry kicks his towel across the floor. Sultan Kösen has already left for the locker room, alone. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
94-105 (L)
Jesus Christ huddles with the team! Huddling up, the messiah strategizes!
Jesus Christ spins but it's well off! Heavy feet under fatigue!
LeBron James goes to work the basketball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this potential GOAT!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
Sultan Kösen gets the friendly bounce! Even the leather respects a farmer!
Break! Jesus Christ has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Jesus Christ entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Jesus Christ is visibly upset! Upset as a messiah when the game goes sideways!
Stephen Curry fades away the ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this reliable star!
Stephen Curry pushes the pace in transition! Iron discipline showing in every play!
Jesus Christ drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
LeBron James's eyes are glassy. Draymond Green mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-116 (L)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
This respected competitor Draymond Green misfires again! Tendency to force bad shots could cost the team!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry with turnover number buckets! Heavy feet is piling up!
LeBron James, this colossus, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over injury-prone body!
Stephen Curry crosses over and it's a buzzer beater! This headliner proving the doubters wrong!
Halftime! Draymond Green walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Small detail: Draymond Green whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Sultan Kösen fades away away from the huddle! This multi-time All-Star in a dark place mentally!
This guy everybody knows Sultan Kösen rattles it out! So close yet so far under the basket!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, manages the clock beautifully in the second half!
Draymond Green, this hooper's hooper, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Jesus Christ sits alone on the bench. This hall-of-fame lock processing the defeat.
Jesus Christ clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Stephen Curry fidgets with his wristband nervously. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
73-117 (L)
Jesus Christ opens with a sky hook! This undisputed superstar making an early statement!
Jesus Christ crosses over the Spalding awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this basketball god!
Stephen Curry fades away into a trap! Tendency to rush when reading the defense!
Jesus Christ can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Stephen Curry steps back and kicks the stanchion! This multi-time All-Star losing composure!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Exclusive info: LeBron James is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
That one wasn't even close, Jesus Christ! Stick to competing the game!
Jesus Christ struggles in the fourth quarter! The messiah hitting the wall with the game!
Sultan Kösen coughs up the orange! Sometimes predictable game strikes again back to the basket!
This living legend Jesus Christ shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Stephen Curry walks off in silence. This multi-time All-Star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
LeBron James lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jesus Christ decides not to comment. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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