My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

79-123 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Somebody explain how the mercenary reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Give and go! Kratos gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! The big man never even contested it, and Kratos still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Two guys on the exact same page, Bullseye and Monkey D. Luffy, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Bullseye catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Goku just did it by hitting Kratos on the back side with acres of room. A warrior breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Nobody drew up that arc. The warrior floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

First half is done. Kratos is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know? Kratos has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Watch the swing here: ten unanswered points from Goku in barely two minutes, and the entire complexion of this game has flipped.

Watch the spacing, Bullseye drags two bodies toward the ball and Kratos is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Kratos drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Goku left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Bless him, Goku tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Laser from Goku, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Monkey D. Luffy keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. The ship captain launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

A full spin move through traffic from the farmer! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Bullseye threads a BEAUTY to Goku under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Fifth possession this half where Bullseye has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone. Another extra possession courtesy of the mercenary, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. The extra pass! Bullseye had the look, gave it up anyway, and Monkey D. Luffy buries it. BANG! HAMMER! Monkey D. Luffy goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Monkey D. Luffy takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Kratos pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with King Kong. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the ship captain, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Kratos's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Monkey D. Luffy breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

74-116 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

King Kong gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Bullseye saw it a beat early. The player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. King Kong attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and King Kong does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Kratos puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Monkey D. Luffy makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Watch the feet on Kratos there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That press is not exotic, it is just relentless, and King Kong has spent three straight possessions trying to breathe. He is on an island out there.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Kratos to massage his thighs. Locker room intel: Kratos has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! To win a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank, text HOOPS to 555-0413 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

WALLED OFF! Monkey D. Luffy slides over and the paint is CLOSED for business. This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and Monkey D. Luffy just took two points off the board without a single stat.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Bullseye put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! So close. Bullseye can only stare at the iron.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Bullseye controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. King Kong eats the contact so Monkey D. Luffy can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Not a hand on him. Monkey D. Luffy flat missed the bunny.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Bullseye retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Way short from Bullseye off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Goku threw it before the help even committed. Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Down, up, and gone for King Kong. The rim is just toying with him now.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Bullseye rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Bullseye.

Second pass beats the rotation, Bullseye to Monkey D. Luffy, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. The ship captain spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Monkey D. Luffy plants himself in front of the Miami Heart-Attack bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Monkey D. Luffy watches the crowd file out in silence. Kratos prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! Roscoe Tidwell of Frog Level, Alabama, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The answer was of course nine minutes, after which it goes home with a man named Gary. Roscoe takes home a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

96-123 (L)

Two defenders collide on the handoff and King Kong is gone, so Bullseye earned that one even if the box score disagrees. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for King Kong!

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Bullseye has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching King Kong precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHH no, King Kong floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Bullseye and Kratos just played basketball and the defense got shredded. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Bullseye cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to mercenary the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Prayer from Monkey D. Luffy. Not answered.

First half is done. Bullseye is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: Bullseye watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show American Idle! To win a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel, text HOOPS to 555-0059 and answer this question: 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

The farmer pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. TRAVEL! Goku took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

Ooof. Kratos got put on SKATES right there. The whistle blows, King Kong throws his hands up in protest, and the replay is going to make that argument very short.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The beauty of it is that Bullseye never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Monkey D. Luffy owns the highlight reel tonight.

Monkey D. Luffy slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The farmer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. The farmer tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Over the top of everybody. Monkey D. Luffy to King Kong in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Telegraphed. King Kong announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

Watch how they bury Kratos in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Monkey D. Luffy wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Bullseye is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Kratos waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game American Idle! Lamar Twitty of Little Sandy Corner, Delaware, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' The answer was of course three, and anything past three is a lifestyle. Lamar takes home a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel! I learned backstage that Kratos also does mercenary on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

87-131 (L)

Goku attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! The farmer just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

The mercenary pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Kratos went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Bullseye walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Here comes the slip from Goku, and Monkey D. Luffy reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. The farmer just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Bullseye hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between King Kong and an assistant coach who both want to hug Bullseye first. Bullseye lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Reserves in, the lead never in doubt, Monkey D. Luffy keeps the ball moving and lets the young guys eat.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The players leave the court. Kratos clings to the tunnel railing. I've been told Kratos once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

The mercenary is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Oldest play in the book, and Kratos runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. The farmer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Push the pace! Bullseye grabs it and hits Goku in stride before the defense can even match up. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Goku pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Shot clock at one, and Goku just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Full stop, full sprint, and the farmer is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Buzzer on the shot clock, Goku heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Set called, Goku waved out to the corner, and Bullseye watches the spacing open up like a front door. GONE down the baseline! Goku beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. BANG! Goku steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Down by the baseline, Goku points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Monkey D. Luffy is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Philadelphia Injury-Report coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Swing, swing, and Bullseye finds King Kong on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Kratos sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. King Kong lays it right on his hands in traffic! Pull-up from the elbow by Kratos, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Kratos stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor.

King Kong unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Monkey D. Luffy runs a hand down his face. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

93-123 (L)

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Baseline wide open. Monkey D. Luffy said thank you. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Monkey D. Luffy goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Monkey D. Luffy sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Bullseye finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Monkey D. Luffy is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Kratos rises up and REJECTS the layup off the glass, and now he is barking at the whole building about it. Everything starts with that release, Kratos hitting Monkey D. Luffy in full flight before the defense has even turned around. Monkey D. Luffy converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Monkey D. Luffy never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

The mercenary runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the ship captain and quietly turning off the TV.

Back in the locker room, Kratos sits down and stares at the ceiling. Word is Kratos sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! To win a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels, text HOOPS to 555-0853 and answer this question: 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

The farmer just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard. That is the second personal charged to King Kong and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball moves. Bullseye to Goku, on time and on target. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the farmer made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Third look from distance for Goku tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The mercenary just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. A cruel spin-out for the mercenary, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

NOT A CHANCE! Kratos came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

STOP AND GO! Goku hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Feet already set, hands already ready. Goku takes the feed from Monkey D. Luffy and cashes it.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the mercenary in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Brutal for the mercenary, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Monkey D. Luffy walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Goku drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! Otis Wagstaff of Empty Barrel, Nevada, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The answer was of course forty one, set at a rec league in 1998 and never approached since. Otis therefore wins a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

74-118 (L)

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The defender crowded the middle, and Goku punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. That is a dime from Bullseye that deserved so much better, and Goku knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Bullseye drops it off to Monkey D. Luffy on time and on target. One hard step and Monkey D. Luffy owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Catch, rise, splash. The ship captain owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Monkey D. Luffy sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Los Angeles Nursing-Home bench does not find it funny. Goku pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Monkey D. Luffy kicks it over to Goku, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the farmer made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Goku lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Monkey D. Luffy to massage his thighs. Did you know Monkey D. Luffy once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Bullseye, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Gift wrapped by Goku, and Bullseye cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Monkey D. Luffy has known that all night long. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Goku pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the farmer, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Monkey D. Luffy drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Two points left on the floor by Goku, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

The ship captain just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! No good. Monkey D. Luffy rushed that one.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cross court, on a rope, from the farmer. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The ship captain just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Goku has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A mercenary making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Goku walk away from it.

The farmer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Day job, then this: the warrior reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. The mercenary launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Kratos bites the inside of his cheek. Monkey D. Luffy pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

78-122 (L)

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Shot clock bleeding down to nine, Bullseye still rocking the ball, taking his sweet time. Ice in his veins. Bullseye lowers the shoulder, the defender was planted, and that is an offensive foul. Hand the ball back.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Court vision like that on the ship captain is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Perfect drop-off from King Kong, and Bullseye answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Bullseye already has the defense a full step behind. Watch the change of pace from Monkey D. Luffy, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Monkey D. Luffy blows the wide open layup!

Break! Monkey D. Luffy takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know? Monkey D. Luffy tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Bullseye launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Kick out to Goku, one more to Monkey D. Luffy, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The ship captain hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Everything Bullseye puts up there is going in. Off the dribble, off the catch, off balance, it does not matter one bit. Bullseye felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

Total control. Bullseye has this thing on a string. The help defender committed way too early, and Kratos made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Not a hand on him. Kratos flat missed the bunny.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

SKIP PASS! Monkey D. Luffy fires it cross court to Kratos and the defense is dead in the water! The warrior just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Monkey D. Luffy, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Goku never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Off the back iron for Goku, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Monkey D. Luffy threw it before the help even committed. They do not teach that in the farmer handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. OHHHH what a FINISH from Kratos! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Bullseye coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the warrior and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Kratos walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Goku drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

87-132 (L)

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Bullseye already has the defense a full step behind. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Kratos, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. That is what heavy minutes do, Kratos has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Over the top of everybody. Monkey D. Luffy to Kratos in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Beautiful pass by Kratos. Wrong jersey.

Somebody explain the arc to the player. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time. Three fouls on the player before halftime. He clocks in, he throws two elbows, he clocks right back out.

Halftime whistle. Monkey D. Luffy high-fives his teammates on the way out. Rumor has it Monkey D. Luffy tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Foul Line Confessions! To win a hood ornament from a truck that was never built, text HOOPS to 555-1098 and answer this question: 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

SPIN and GO! Bullseye pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Two points left on the floor by Bullseye, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

No hero ball here: Bullseye takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The player reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. AIRBALL! King Kong missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Goku launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! Monkey D. Luffy pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with King Kong. Brutal. That is the shot Monkey D. Luffy wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Somebody explain how the mercenary reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Whirl, and GONE! Monkey D. Luffy leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Monkey D. Luffy blows the wide open layup!

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Push the pace! Bullseye grabs it and hits King Kong in stride before the defense can even match up. The player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Set called, Goku waved out to the corner, and Bullseye watches the spacing open up like a front door. A cut with that timing from the farmer? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Goku.

First option: Goku. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Bullseye cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

King Kong clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Bullseye fidgets with his wristband nervously. And here is the answer to our game show Foul Line Confessions! Wendell Crabtree of Lost Mitten, Colorado, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The answer was of course floor wax, popcorn, and forty years of accumulated nervousness. Wendell therefore wins a hood ornament from a truck that was never built! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

77-122 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Push the pace! Bullseye grabs it and hits Monkey D. Luffy in stride before the defense can even match up. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Monkey D. Luffy has all the room in the world. The ship captain misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Unselfish basketball. Goku passes up a good shot and hands King Kong a GREAT one. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Monkey D. Luffy launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Bullseye gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Goku has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Off to the locker room. King Kong has already drained two water bottles. The staff told me King Kong sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Dancing with the Substitutes! To win a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS, text HOOPS to 555-0421 and answer this question: 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Laser from Monkey D. Luffy, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Ball into Goku at the elbow, Kratos plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Nobody drew up that arc. The warrior floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Set called, Goku waved out to the corner, and Bullseye watches the spacing open up like a front door. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Goku the moment he crosses half court. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the farmer, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Bullseye kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job. The ship captain outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. The whole possession dies right there without Monkey D. Luffy on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

Monkey D. Luffy throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Goku grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

The mercenary just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Left, right, gone. Kratos put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Kratos gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Not a bite on the pump fake, King Kong stays tall, and the floater dies on the iron. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the player. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. The farmer just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Court vision like that on the ship captain is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Kratos rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Full-court pressure on the farmer, and the trade skills do not transfer one bit. Painful to watch.

Bullseye shakes Goku's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. And here is the answer to our game Dancing with the Substitutes! Ethelene Chumley of Cracker Barrel Bottom, Maryland, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' The answer was of course a committee, and they meet on Tuesdays. Ethelene takes home a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

86-130 (L)

King Kong times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Watch the sell from Bullseye here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Straight back to the office for the mercenary, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the mercenary, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. From WAY downtown off the pop! King Kong with the extra pass and CASH. A cut with that timing from the farmer? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Watch the footwork from Goku: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The players head to the locker room. Kratos is sweating like a racehorse. Little secret: Kratos watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

The mercenary is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Monkey D. Luffy does. That is a throwback bucket: Monkey D. Luffy with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Bullseye has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Goku precisely where the play wanted it. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A farmer making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Missed layup for the mercenary and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Monkey D. Luffy launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Kratos hands it off to King Kong, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Long and gone. Kratos floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Clean feed from Monkey D. Luffy, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. OHHHH the separation! Bullseye just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Rising up out of the corner, Bullseye sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

King Kong guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The player fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant. King Kong reaches, gets caught, whistle. Third personal, and the coach immediately looks down his bench.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. King Kong clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Bullseye chews his nails on the bench. Goku stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! Tonight I learned Bullseye used to be a mercenary before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

74-119 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Called for three in the key. Kratos had inside position, had the seal, had everything except a clock in his head.

Watch the spacing there, Goku hits Kratos right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The warrior just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Monkey D. Luffy beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The mercenary is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Monkey D. Luffy whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Not a hand on him. Goku flat missed the bunny.

Halftime. Monkey D. Luffy throws his towel on the floor walking in. Locker room anecdote: Monkey D. Luffy talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Goku. Goku slides in late on the drive, the official punches the fourth, and the coach is already waving for a sub.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Monkey D. Luffy breaks a shell down. The farmer just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Goku snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

They drew this up in the timeout: get it to Bullseye and let the other four stand there and enjoy the show. Offensive foul on Bullseye. No bucket, no free throws, just a turnover.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The crowd has found its chant, and Monkey D. Luffy is going to be hearing it all night. Nobody put a body on Kratos and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. OHHHH, what a read by Kratos! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. BAAAANG! King Kong catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. King Kong is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Somebody explain how the mercenary reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Hesitate, GO. Goku is by that hip before the man even blinks. The farmer launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Bullseye turns the corner off the screen from King Kong, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! That is the second illegal pick of the night from King Kong, and possessions like that are how you lose a tight one.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Bullseye gives it up to Monkey D. Luffy on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Perfect drop-off from King Kong, and Monkey D. Luffy answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Bullseye clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. King Kong fidgets with his wristband nervously. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

78-115 (L)

A farmer breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Get that one framed. Goku took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Goku crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Bullseye mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Cross court, on a rope, from the ship captain. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The mercenary just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Bullseye rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Second rejection of the quarter for King Kong, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Late rotation from Goku, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. Goku pulls the towel over his head before he even sits down, and you can read the frustration from the upper deck.

Rest time. King Kong isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Bus driver's confession: King Kong raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Bullseye controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. OHHHH the pocket pass! King Kong splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Perfect drop-off from Bullseye, and Goku answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The bench has completely lost its mind over the mercenary! There are lifers in this league who never get a reaction like that.

Garbage time, and the warrior is sitting there with ice on both knees like a twelve year veteran. Not bad for somebody with a day job.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

One little shoulder dip from Bullseye and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Bullseye. Cruel.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The farmer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the ship captain made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Rises, releases, and Monkey D. Luffy sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Full stop, full sprint, and the mercenary is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Bullseye gets both toes behind the line and the contest arrives through his forearm. Here comes the gift.

Monkey D. Luffy lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Goku holds his in. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

78-118 (L)

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The mercenary makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A farmer making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. A cruel spin-out for the warrior, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

The mercenary is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. You will never find it in a box score, but Monkey D. Luffy just flipped that entire trip down the floor with one hand.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The farmer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Onions! Goku did that with a hand in his face.

Break! Goku has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Goku knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Boston Ring-Chasers's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Team Standing Around! To win a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature, text HOOPS to 555-1248 and answer this question: 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

OHHHH the hesi! Bullseye froze him solid and he is already gone! Up goes the shot from Bullseye and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the ship captain, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The player turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, King Kong fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

A single dribble is all Goku needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Wide open at the top of the key and Goku cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Goku feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Goku rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Hands out, palms up, Goku shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Bullseye is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Laser from Goku, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Off the pin-down comes the ship captain with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Monkey D. Luffy launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

POCKET PASS! Monkey D. Luffy threads it to Goku between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Goku up there and returns it with interest.

Monkey D. Luffy hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

King Kong's eyes are glassy. Bullseye mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game show Last Team Standing Around! Deloris Whitmire of Slow Creek Bend, Hawaii, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' The answer was of course loud enough to wake a man three counties over, also named Gary. Deloris therefore wins a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

85-128 (L)

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Monkey D. Luffy. Tipped away by Goku! Loose ball, scramble, bodies everywhere, and it ends up in our hands.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Goku, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Goku nothing.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the mercenary, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. BAAAANG! Kratos sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, King Kong fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Heading in. Kratos's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little scoop: Kratos logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. And now, our halftime TV game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! To win a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings, text HOOPS to 555-1263 and answer this question: 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Bullseye drops it off to King Kong on time and on target. King Kong crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and King Kong has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Bullseye comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Monkey D. Luffy just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. The ship captain launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The ship captain just rotated over and shut the paint down like a shift change. Where does THAT defensive IQ come from?

A farmer breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Goku just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Somebody explain how the mercenary reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The farmer just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Kratos. OHHHH that is SILKY! Kratos with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

A cut with that timing from the farmer? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Rim out for Goku, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

The player is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of King Kong when that light comes on. Waved off.

Goku sits on the floor in the hallway. Bullseye sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! Ezra Bottomley of Grand Prairie Elbow, California, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' The answer was of course four thousand two hundred, and a suspicious number of them were born nine months after a title run. Ezra therefore wins a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings! Tonight I had a revelation: Bullseye runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

73-118 (L)

Baseline spin from Bullseye at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Somewhere an assistant coach is throwing a clipboard, because the mercenary baited that closeout from deep like a decade of film study went into it.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Bullseye launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Kratos, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. From eight feet Kratos puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the mercenary made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The mercenary finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Straight to the logo at center court, Bullseye plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Both teams head in. Bullseye has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know Bullseye started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopardy Adjacent! To win a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004, text HOOPS to 555-0208 and answer this question: 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

The defender planted his feet, and Goku said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Oh, that is rough. Goku killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Bullseye already has the defense a full step behind. The player pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The mercenary just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the player and quietly turning off the TV.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Monkey D. Luffy threw it before the help even committed. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Bullseye, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Bullseye is walking back with both hands on his head.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Textbook stuff: feet set, arms crossed, Kratos eats the contact and hands us a turnover.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Goku goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard. Goku SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Court vision like that on the farmer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the ship captain goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Monkey D. Luffy pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

The player commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

King Kong bites his lip, fists clenched. Goku shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game show Jeopardy Adjacent! Wanda Jean Stubblefield of Possum Grape, Alabama, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' The answer was of course Indiana, and it is not particularly close. Wanda Jean therefore wins a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004! Tonight I learned King Kong used to be a mercenary before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.