My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Stephen Curry. Standing at 188 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed MrBeast. The man is a youtuber. A freaking youtuber. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their camera and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-121 (L)
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry opens the scoring! A half-court heave! Early advantage!
This who-is-this-guy player Saquon Barkley rattles it out! So close yet so far driving to the hoop!
MrBeast loses the Wilson in traffic! This multi-time All-Star can't afford that!
Osama bin Laden gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the river gorge behind the theodolite!
Osama bin Laden drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
That's a wrap for now. Saquon Barkley dives into the tunnel. They say Saquon Barkley has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
MrBeast can't connect! Their camera in hand, sure. The basketball through the hoop, nope!
Saquon Barkley, this tweener, laboring up and down! Tendency to rush draining the energy!
Saquon Barkley, this do-it-all player, gets stripped driving to the hoop! Tendency to rush exposed!
Osama bin Laden slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a civil engineer hits the workbench!
Charlie Kirk sits alone on the bench. This certified GOAT candidate processing the defeat.
MrBeast's gaze is cold, distant. Stephen Curry's gaze is hot, angry. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
81-125 (L)
MrBeast, this 7-footer, announced to huge cheers! A standing ovation!
Charlie Kirk can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
MrBeast with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost youtuber!
Osama bin Laden can't stay in front! Bridging the river gorge doesn't build lateral quickness!
Saquon Barkley dribbles angrily after the turnover! This guy nobody was talking about spiraling!
Players head to the locker room. Saquon Barkley has tape on three fingers. Exclusive info: Saquon Barkley is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Saquon Barkley, this combo guard, bobbles the basketball and the chance evaporates at the top of the key!
Saquon Barkley is visibly tired! This surprise package needs a timeout badly!
Stephen Curry with the errant pass! This reliable star needs to settle down!
Saquon Barkley glares at the scoreboard! This surprise package not happy with the situation!
Saquon Barkley, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the field house. Lessons to take from this one.
Osama bin Laden mutters while walking out. Stephen Curry watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Osama bin Laden's name. Forgive me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
96-99 (L)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
Saquon Barkley, this rising star, unleashes an off-balance shot off the pick and roll! Bang!
MrBeast loses their assignment! Like losing their camera in the workshop!
Stephen Curry rises up but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Charlie Kirk ignites an incredible energy! That conspiracy theorist energy is contagious!
Halftime. Stephen Curry's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know? Stephen Curry has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Stephen Curry can't hit the go-ahead! Heavy feet when the lights are brightest!
Charlie Kirk picks up the second technical! This generational talent ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry channels the inner champion! Silky smooth technique at its peak!
Saquon Barkley forces the hero ball and misses! This hidden prospect with injury-prone body!
This jersey-selling name MrBeast leaves the gymnasium with head held high. Fought to the end.
MrBeast's gaze is cold, distant. Stephen Curry's gaze is hot, angry. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
84-123 (L)
Charlie Kirk huddles with the team! Huddling up, the conspiracy theorist strategizes!
MrBeast launches the orange right into the defender's hands! Tendency to rush!
MrBeast with the lazy pass! Ego the size of Texas leading to easy points!
Saquon Barkley gets screened out of the play! This hidden prospect lost in traffic!
Charlie Kirk walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Halftime whistle! Charlie Kirk slides down against the hallway wall. Rumor has it Charlie Kirk does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Osama bin Laden puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even the theodolite can save that!
Saquon Barkley, this dark horse, sucking wind after that sprint! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of battle!
MrBeast coughs it up! A youtuber's grip doesn't work on the orange!
Saquon Barkley gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Stephen Curry penetrates to the tunnel in disappointment. This certified bucket will learn from this.
MrBeast and Stephen Curry share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I got a text from MrBeast after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-131 (L)
MrBeast bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Brick! Stephen Curry misfires at the top of the key! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Charlie Kirk, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from mid-range!
Charlie Kirk gets crossed over! This household name left frozen from downtown!
Osama bin Laden sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a civil engineer after a long shift!
Halftime! Osama bin Laden walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know? Osama bin Laden has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Stephen Curry, this elite player, pulls the trigger in transition but no luck!
Stephen Curry short-arms the shot from fatigue! This bonafide star has nothing left!
Saquon Barkley, this solid build, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
This certified bucket MrBeast shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Osama bin Laden takes the loss hard! Hard as the river gorge on a bad civil engineer day!
Osama bin Laden lets out a big exhale walking through the door. MrBeast holds his in. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
88-119 (L)
This franchise guy Stephen Curry comes out aggressive! Opens with a two-handed slam in the paint!
Charlie Kirk denied by the basket! Even a conspiracy theorist can't pry it open!
Saquon Barkley coughs up the damn ball! Injury-prone body strikes again from downtown!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, lets the shooter get free from downtown! Costly lapse!
Charlie Kirk punishes the defense! A conspiracy theorist punishing the game with precision!
First half is done. MrBeast is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Physio's confession: MrBeast purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
MrBeast, this reliable star, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, with the shot-clock heave! No good in the paint!
MrBeast exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their camera acumen!
MrBeast jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for captivating the algorithm tomorrow!
This rising star Saquon Barkley congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this rising star.
Charlie Kirk punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Osama bin Laden slides down the wall to the floor. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
79-112 (L)
Stephen Curry looks dialed in from the start! A killer instinct preparation showing!
Saquon Barkley launches but overcooks it! Shaky emotions under pressure showing up again!
Saquon Barkley, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Ego the size of Texas when protecting the damn ball!
This reliable star Stephen Curry caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
MrBeast, this mountain of a man, sits down hard on the bench! Hot head written all over his face!
Well-deserved break. MrBeast looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Little scoop: MrBeast collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Charlie Kirk misfires at the buzzer! Even this absolute legend has off nights!
Stephen Curry is gassed! This All-Star caliber talent bent over at half court! Hot head catching up!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This max-contract guy MrBeast gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
This reliable star MrBeast tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
MrBeast walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Charlie Kirk drags one foot after the other. I learned backstage that Charlie Kirk also does youtuber on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
82-121 (L)
Saquon Barkley, this total unknown, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry muscles up a reverse layup but can't get it to fall!
Osama bin Laden throws it away! A pass worse than a civil engineer tossing the river gorge!
MrBeast gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Osama bin Laden pulls up and kicks the stanchion! This absolute legend losing composure!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Stephen Curry asks for an ice pack. The staff told me Stephen Curry sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This unknown gem Saquon Barkley short-arms a bank shot under the basket! Not enough lift!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
This guy nobody was talking about Saquon Barkley with turnover number buckets! Defense that's basically a suggestion is piling up!
Charlie Kirk waves off the play! The authority of a conspiracy theorist in that gesture!
MrBeast packs up and heads out! Packing their camera, unpacking emotions!
MrBeast chews his nails on the bench. Stephen Curry stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-127 (L)
This certified bucket Stephen Curry gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Osama bin Laden fires and misses from way beyond the arc. Should have stuck with the river gorge!
Charlie Kirk trips up in the perimeter! A conspiracy theorist never trips at work... Right?
Stephen Curry scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Lack of consistency!
Osama bin Laden buries their face! Hidden from view, the civil engineer can't watch!
The players disappear. MrBeast has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Quick anecdote about MrBeast: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Charlie Kirk, this all-around player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Lack of consistency!
Saquon Barkley bends over during the dead ball! This guy nobody was talking about gathering what's left!
Turnover by Osama bin Laden! Bridging the river gorge requires less coordination, clearly!
Osama bin Laden, this all-time great, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Stephen Curry, this jersey-selling name, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
MrBeast mutters 'damn' under his breath. Stephen Curry says 'yeah' in the same tone. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
75-120 (L)
Charlie Kirk steps onto the arena! From competing the game to this, game time!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, gets the separation but can't finish! Injury-prone body!
This all-time great Osama bin Laden with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
MrBeast beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the algorithm slipping from a youtuber!
Charlie Kirk mouths off at after a timeout! A conspiracy theorist venting about the game!
Halftime whistle. Saquon Barkley spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Fun fact: Saquon Barkley is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Stephen Curry rushes a floater off the pick and roll! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Charlie Kirk asks for the ball to slow the pace! This absolute legend needs air!
Saquon Barkley throws it away! Tendency to force bad shots under pressure at the top of the key!
Osama bin Laden mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Osama bin Laden walks off in defeat! Even a civil engineer's skills couldn't save tonight!
MrBeast refuses the coach's embrace. Stephen Curry accepts it but his body is stiff. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce MrBeast's name. Forgive me. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-130 (L)
Saquon Barkley drives with energy from the opening whistle! This dude out of nowhere locked in!
Stephen Curry rises up the pill awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this world-class player!
MrBeast with the backcourt violation! A youtuber going backwards with the algorithm!
MrBeast gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the algorithm on a rough day!
Charlie Kirk mutters to himself walking back! This household name fighting inner demons!
The locker room fills up. Stephen Curry has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Stephen Curry failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Osama bin Laden misses! Even a civil engineer can't fix that shot!
Saquon Barkley misses from fatigue! This dark horse can't get the elevation off the pick and roll!
Saquon Barkley, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass facing the rim!
Saquon Barkley storms to the bench! This player nobody saw coming is visibly upset!
Charlie Kirk leaves the temple of basketball with dignity! The dignity of a conspiracy theorist with their bare hands!
Charlie Kirk stares at the floor while Stephen Curry mutters something inaudible under his breath. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
87-131 (L)
Stephen Curry launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this established star!
This hall-of-fame lock Osama bin Laden shanks a floater along the baseline! That's uncharacteristic!
Stephen Curry with the backcourt violation! This All-Star caliber talent under too much pressure!
Charlie Kirk caught flat-footed! Standing still, the conspiracy theorist reflexes took a nap!
Saquon Barkley slams the Wilson in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Heading in. Charlie Kirk's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. I've been told Charlie Kirk once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Charlie Kirk forces a fadeaway jumper under the basket! This global icon trying too hard!
MrBeast soldiers on! The soldier who captivates the algorithm with their camera!
Osama bin Laden throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the civil engineer got too confident!
This unknown gem Saquon Barkley stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Charlie Kirk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the conspiracy theorist gave everything!
Charlie Kirk looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Stephen Curry looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Charlie Kirk's name. Forgive me. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-124 (L)
Saquon Barkley, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! An off-the-charts basketball IQ from the jump!
That one wasn't even close, MrBeast! Stick to captivating the algorithm!
Stolen from Charlie Kirk! A conspiracy theorist who let it slip through their fingers!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry commits the and-one foul! Sometimes predictable game in positioning!
Osama bin Laden throws their hands up! Like a civil engineer when the theodolite breaks!
Break! Stephen Curry grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Rumor has it Stephen Curry talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This undisputed superstar Osama bin Laden misses the mark! A scoop layup goes begging driving to the hoop!
Charlie Kirk asks for ice! Cooling down, even a conspiracy theorist's engine needs a rest!
Osama bin Laden loses possession! The river gorge never leaves a civil engineer's hands like that!
This headliner Stephen Curry throws an elbow in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
MrBeast vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their camera reinforced with the algorithm!
MrBeast turns back to look at the court one last time. Stephen Curry doesn't turn around. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
90-135 (L)
This franchise guy Stephen Curry means business! Fast start at the buzzer!
Charlie Kirk can't hit from beyond the arc! That zone is cursed for this conspiracy theorist!
Osama bin Laden takes off the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this global icon!
Osama bin Laden watches helplessly! A civil engineer watching the river gorge fall off the shelf!
Saquon Barkley attacks away from the huddle! This total unknown in a dark place mentally!
Off to the locker room. MrBeast has already drained two water bottles. Juicy intel: MrBeast turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Charlie Kirk forces up a reverse layup over the defense! Shaky emotions under pressure! Bad decision!
This reliable star MrBeast can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Charlie Kirk fades away into a dead end off the pick and roll! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses!
MrBeast pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The youtuber in them is showing!
MrBeast hangs their head! A youtuber who gave everything they had!
MrBeast's lip is trembling. Saquon Barkley dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
91-131 (L)
This dark horse Saquon Barkley catches the ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Osama bin Laden, this tower, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this franchise cornerstone!
MrBeast turns it over during crunch time! A youtuber dropping their camera at the worst time!
Charlie Kirk, this combo guard, can't keep up with the speed! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Stephen Curry, this elite player, refuses to high-five! Hot head hurting the chemistry!
Time to breathe. MrBeast has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: MrBeast got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
MrBeast heaves and misses! Should have heaved the algorithm instead!
This raw talent Saquon Barkley signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to force bad shots!
Saquon Barkley, this versatile guy, steps out of bounds with the ball! Mental lapse!
This diamond in the rough Saquon Barkley slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Despite the loss, Osama bin Laden held their own with the river gorge! The civil engineer fought!
Charlie Kirk avoids the cameras like the plague. Osama bin Laden gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Stephen Curry.
Season journal
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