My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-2 (L)

It's a total siege, forwards throwing themselves at every cross. The Homelander looks up and swings in a floated cross, Batman rises among the defenders. What a HEADER from Batman! The cross from Jesus Christ was perfect, he plants the ball into the ground and it is in!

The Homelander legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Wally West tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Absolute suspense, nobody willing to settle for the draw. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. David Beckham winds up the right foot and sends a ROCKET top bins! GOAL, that is the strike of the match!

Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Ball in behind from the superhero, Wally West is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Blistering run from Wally West on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Wally West dinks a lobbed cross for Zinedine Zidane, the ball clears everyone and drops perfectly. Zinedine Zidane outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide.

Spider-Man goes long for Jesus Christ, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Jesus Christ links up with Batman, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Batman puts Sergio Ramos into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet.

What a tackle by Franz Beckenbauer! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. OHHH Jesus Christ strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on.

Tactical debate in the corner. Wally West wants to push higher. Zinedine Zidane reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Zinedine Zidane, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. The 28-year-old Batman reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 180, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Franz Beckenbauer high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Spider-Man mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Batman does the wave with contortionist grace. Spider-Man solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

The corner from Zinedine Zidane finds Jesus Christ who heads it, goes over the bar. Missed chance. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. One touch football: Wally West to David Beckham, faster than the opposition can think.

Clearance from the superhero towards Sergio Ramos, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Sergio Ramos gives it to David Beckham into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Spider-Man blocks with the leg! The ball ricochets and goes out for a throw. Pure composure. Spider-Man takes his time and plays it short to Jesus Christ. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. Spider-Man climbs and grabs the ball with both hands. The cross is killed off, the danger is gone. Massive punt from Spider-Man, sends the ball sixty yards, Zinedine Zidane is scrapping for it up top. Zinedine Zidane launches it to Jesus Christ on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Inch-perfect tackle by Franz Beckenbauer, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Franz Beckenbauer threads the needle between the two centre-backs, The Homelander bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. The Homelander lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Level at the final whistle. Spider-Man and Quicksilver walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-1 (W)

The superhero whips in a classic cross for Batman in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. GOAL from the superhero with a scissor kick! In that position, that kind of acrobatic goal is what makes people REMEMBER you. Perfect overhead, top corner, standing ovation. MASTERFUL!

Solidarity move: The Homelander grabs Batman who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Batman a standing ovation right through to the restart.

And it's in! México No-Era-Penal take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Solidarity move: Spider-Man grabs Zeus who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Zeus a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. The superhero sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. GOAL with a lob from the superhero! In that position, having the AWARENESS to spot the keeper off his line and the composure to chip it over, that is what makes great players. MASTERFUL.

Spider-Man throws it out quickly to Batman, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Batman with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Batman lays it off first time to The Homelander, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The superhero has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

The Homelander plays it in, David Beckham lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and The Homelander is off again. Magnificent. The offside trap works a treat, The Homelander is caught out as David Beckham plays the ball forward. Spider-Man opts for the short option to Sergio Ramos, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Sergio Ramos picks out The Homelander with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Quicksilver, you have been outstanding. Franz Beckenbauer, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Now this is class — Spider-Man once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 28 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' Batman leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Lay-off from Batman to The Homelander out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. The superhero roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Spider-Man launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Sergio Ramos after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Crossfield pass from Sergio Ramos to Quicksilver, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Quicksilver wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Quicksilver boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Enormous leap from the superhero who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

PENALTY! Quicksilver is fouled in the box, the defender touched the player BEFORE the ball. The referee blows, it is clear as DAY. DECISIVE moment! Penalty missed! Quicksilver sends the ball sailing over the crossbar. The pressure ate him alive.

Corner from Jesus Christ, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Authoritative clearance from The Homelander in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Overlap from David Beckham on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. David Beckham gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball.

The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? David Beckham has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. The messiah opens up to The Homelander on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The Homelander gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building.

It's over and we've won it! Spider-Man grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. David Beckham pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

Zinedine Zidane puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery! Body feint from Zinedine Zidane, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Zinedine Zidane takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Double step-over from Zinedine Zidane, the defender buys both feints. Total humiliation. Zinedine Zidane switches to GENIUS MODE! Phenomenal slalom through the defence, and he finishes left-footed into the net. GOAL!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Zinedine Zidane is at the centre, lifted up by Batman and Spider-Man, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Zeus embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. WIIIIIDE! Zeus put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

Sergio Ramos changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Zinedine Zidane. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Zinedine Zidane floats a cross in from the wing for The Homelander, the ball hangs in the box! Lovely high take from Spider-Man! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Short restart from the superhero to Jesus Christ, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

What a mess after Zinedine Zidane's corner! The keeper flaps, the ball drops, a defender scrambles it away! Panicked clearance from Wally West, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The tempo has shot through the roof, the opposition can't cope.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Sergio Ramos claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. Absolutely unbelievable scenes — Zeus, aged 28, once admitted on live radio that he eats a Greggs sausage roll before every single match. The lad swears it's the secret to his pace, and honestly, who are we to argue with those numbers? And now, our TV game show Fifteen to One Complaint! To win a year of free parking at a hospital that charges for parking, text 4345 and answer: 'How much does it cost to park at a British hospital for twenty minutes?' The second period begins and Sergio Ramos launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. With one swing of the boot, Zinedine Zidane finds Zeus on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The superhero lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

They've scored again! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib are running riot and we can't cope.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Foul by the superhero, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Booking for Wally West. The referee warned, then warned again, now it's a card. Wally West hits the free kick but it bounces off the wall. Nothing doing.

Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable.

Big clearance from Quicksilver under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Spider-Man catapults the ball towards Batman from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The superhero dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Batman boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Telepathic pass from Sergio Ramos to Zeus, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Offside. Zeus was desperate to get in behind but strayed beyond the line when Zinedine Zidane passed.

It's all over and it's OURS! Jesus Christ leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Spider-Man picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. Ron from Doncaster says it costs roughly the same as a small holiday in Benidorm. Free hospital parking for Ron! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

3-1 (W)

Spider-Man smashes a volley towards Wally West, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. The superhero is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. GOOOOAL from the superhero! Imperial header on the delivery from Zeus. In that position, when you have that leap and that timing, you scare every defence.

Spider-Man runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Zeus gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Batman aims like a surgeon on the cross from Jesus Christ! Placed finish, the keeper has no chance, GOOOOAL!

Batman dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Free kick from David Beckham looped in, the ball is dropped onto Jesus Christ at the penalty spot. Jesus Christ rises to the heavens and plants his header on the pass from Zinedine Zidane! The keeper was a spectator, GOOOAL!

David Beckham spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Wally West gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Rapid combination: Batman to Franz Beckenbauer, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Franz Beckenbauer beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Franz Beckenbauer shifts it to Zinedine Zidane with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Wally West is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Franz Beckenbauer and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Wally West ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 28 and 180, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Spider-Man is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

The superhero throws it out to Franz Beckenbauer, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Awful pass from Franz Beckenbauer, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. The superhero launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Well-taken corner from the messiah but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. Lifesaving clearance from David Beckham! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. The Homelander goes crossfield to Quicksilver, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Quicksilver plays it simple to Franz Beckenbauer, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Franz Beckenbauer aims for Wally West but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. Decisive interception from the superhero, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Quicksilver rolls it to Franz Beckenbauer, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Franz Beckenbauer feeds Batman in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Sergio Ramos dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Firm pass from Sergio Ramos into The Homelander, right into the boots. No waste. The Homelander reads the movement from Zeus and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts.

Brilliant switch of play from Quicksilver! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Sergio Ramos. Stunning tackle by Sergio Ramos in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Quick one-two between Sergio Ramos and Zeus, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Long kick from Spider-Man, The Homelander positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. The Homelander swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Quicksilver, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The superhero lays it off first time to Jesus Christ, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Job done. Zinedine Zidane and Jesus Christ stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Dakar Teranga FC's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-0 (W)

Jesus Christ gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Jesus Christ has it running through his veins. Ball over the top from Jesus Christ, Zinedine Zidane had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. What a CANNONBALL from Zinedine Zidane! The keeper was well positioned but that strike was UNSTOPPABLE.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Massive diagonal from David Beckham! Zeus receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Zeus is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. Monster clearance from David Beckham! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

David Beckham finds Wally West between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Wally West wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. Yellow card for Wally West. Been nibbling at opponents all game, the ref has had his fill.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. The messiah finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts David Beckham clean through. Pure genius from that position. Powerful run from David Beckham down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. David Beckham puts the ball right into the mixer, Batman arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. What a SHAMBLES in the box after Batman's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds!

David Beckham uses Sergio Ramos as a wall, the return is instant, David Beckham carries on into space. Crystal clear. David Beckham gets down the left and pulls it back low, Zeus is stationed on the penalty spot. Quick exchange between Zeus and Jesus Christ, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Give and go between Jesus Christ and Wally West, the timing is inch-perfect, the defender bit on the first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Jesus Christ along the grass for Quicksilver. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Sergio Ramos nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Quicksilver is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. Despite the wages, Jesus Christ insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 2019 and 180, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' Here come the lads. David Beckham jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Spider-Man flings himself at the feet and gathers! Brave goalkeeping, the keeper sacrificed everything to save his side. The superhero finds Zinedine Zidane with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Zinedine Zidane unleashes a raking ball out to Zeus, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Spider-Man sends an absolute rocket towards Wally West, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Aerial duel lost by the superhero, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. WHAT A HEADER from Franz Beckenbauer! It fliiiiies... but it goes wide. The post was shaking.

Quicksilver triggers a change of flanks for Zeus, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Crucial intervention from the superhero, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Zeus lights the fuse with a cutting pass for The Homelander down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. The superhero unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. That is a tackle of the highest order from Wally West. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. One laser pass from Wally West and the entire defence is eliminated, Zeus is through on goal. The space is enormous. Zeus puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

Masterful reading from Franz Beckenbauer who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Line-breaking pass from Batman! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Zeus picks it up at full pace. Devastating. WHAT A RUSH from the superhero! That kind of keeper lets you play high without fearing the one-on-one. The superhero goes long for Zinedine Zidane, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

It's over and we've won it! The Homelander grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Wally West pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-0 (W)

Decisive interception from Quicksilver who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Quicksilver saw it all. Majestic individual run from Quicksilver, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. GOOOOAL from Quicksilver! On the inswinging cross from The Homelander, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Quicksilver rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Zeus jumps on his back, Spider-Man is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

The messiah puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Batman unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Oh what a challenge! Wally West goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Zinedine Zidane hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now! Zinedine Zidane sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear.

Quicksilver keeps it short to The Homelander, no frills, just good football intelligence. The Homelander drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Jesus Christ. The cross from Jesus Christ is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky. The superhero goes long for Batman, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Good cross from the superhero for David Beckham in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. David Beckham goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. Spider-Man distributes short to Jesus Christ, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

The boss pulls Jesus Christ aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 2019 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Jesus Christ just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. And finally — Spider-Man was once mistaken for a bouncer outside a kebab shop in Romford at two in the morning. Instead of correcting them, he stood there for forty minutes checking IDs. At 178, nobody questioned it. The man is 28 and a born professional. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' They are back. Quicksilver salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

The referee adds more time, this match simply will not end! Zinedine Zidane is holding the ball for an eternity before the throw. Classic time-wasting. Foul by Zinedine Zidane in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Free kick from Zinedine Zidane to the near post, David Beckham gets a flick on it. David Beckham gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide.

Killer ball from Wally West through the gap! David Beckham bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. David Beckham jumps the gun on Sergio Ramos's through ball. Clear offside, good call. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Sergio Ramos pings a ridiculous diagonal to Franz Beckenbauer. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Floated cross from The Homelander off the right, Zeus has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Zeus heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect. Emergency clearance from David Beckham, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. The superhero spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Franz Beckenbauer. That is exactly why he is out there. Franz Beckenbauer hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Chipped cross from Franz Beckenbauer over the defensive wall, Zeus collects it behind the back line. COME ON Zeus rises and thumps his header! But it goes wide of the post, infuriating.

Great vision from David Beckham who switches to Wally West. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Wally West shoots but it's deflected by the defender who threw himself in like a hero.

Brilliant! Spider-Man goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Zeus photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-1 (W)

The superhero goes for the short corner to Batman, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. Batman pulls it back along the ground for Wally West, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOAL from the superhero! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment The Homelander strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Spider-Man points at it, jaw on the floor. Spider-Man shakes his head, not believing it.

Handball on the superhero's shot! Penalty! In that position, knowing how to provoke these situations is a LETHAL weapon. David Beckham does not tremble for a second on this penalty! Crisp strike, the ball hits the back of the net. GOAL, EXECUTIONER!

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Batman, arms out like an aeroplane. The Homelander follows in like he's skiing. Spider-Man arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Monumental ball from The Homelander to Quicksilver, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Aerial duel won by the superhero, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Overlap from the superhero with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The superhero rolls it back along the ground for The Homelander. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. The superhero shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well.

Spider-Man finds Wally West with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Wally West spreads it to Zeus, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Zeus sees what nobody else sees and puts Franz Beckenbauer through on goal with a genius through ball.

David Beckham drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Wally West read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Spider-Man narrows the angle to perfection and stretches in front of the attacker. One-on-one, KEEPER VICTORIOUS! Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Wally West reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Franz Beckenbauer is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Spider-Man. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." A bitter feud erupted between Batman and a neighbour over wheelie bin placement. At 28, the 180-tall footballer reportedly moved the green bin three inches to the left — the council got involved. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Spider-Man leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Wally West senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. CRAAACKER from Zinedine Zidane outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Batman goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all.

Jesus Christ gives it short to The Homelander from the free kick, tactical and cunning approach. The Homelander strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. The superhero gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight.

Lovely use of the ball by Franz Beckenbauer, finding Batman in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Batman unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Quicksilver looks up and launches a long pass towards Batman. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

They've scored! Barranquilla Toque-Toque break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Batman strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. Batman floats it into the gap for Quicksilver, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Quicksilver is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Sergio Ramos is shaking his head. Short restart from Spider-Man to Sergio Ramos, building from the back nice and tidy.

The Homelander thumps his header on the corner from David Beckham but it flies two yards over. Terrible waste. Franz Beckenbauer launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. The superhero finds David Beckham along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Good ball from David Beckham to Wally West, playing it quick between the lines.

GET IN THERE! Jesus Christ slides on his knees across the wet turf, Zeus piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Barranquilla Toque-Toque can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Lovely interception from Quicksilver, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Quicksilver covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. Quicksilver gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

Three-man routine: Quicksilver, Zeus and Spider-Man do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Huge interception from Franz Beckenbauer! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Wing switch from Franz Beckenbauer, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Wally West brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Wally West sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Zinedine Zidane sends Jesus Christ into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere.

Wally West intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Zeus sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Franz Beckenbauer is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station.

The Homelander sends in a curling delivery, Sergio Ramos peels off the back of his marker and finds space. Sergio Ramos connects on a left-footed volley, the foot is sweet but the ball sails over. Shame, it was gorgeous. Tidy restart from Spider-Man along the deck to Zeus, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Zeus. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Zeus flagged offside on the pass from Wally West, but you'd need VAR to see that! Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Jesus Christ has covered seven kilometres already." Zinedine Zidane shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Jesus Christ fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Now this is class — Zeus once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 28 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' Second half underway and Spider-Man is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Superb diagonal from the superhero to David Beckham, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Aerial duel lost by David Beckham, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head. David Beckham absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Wally West bombs back and forces the attacker to slow down. That's the mentality right there! Free kick conceded by Wally West, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The superhero floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Spider-Man makes the right call and gathers the ball in the air. The defence can relax, the keeper is there.

Long ball from David Beckham to Quicksilver, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The superhero wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Little shift from Quicksilver to David Beckham, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

The corner from Jesus Christ is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Change of flanks from Zinedine Zidane, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Quicksilver. Sideways ball from Quicksilver to The Homelander, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The Homelander puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins.

The superhero catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Free kick from Zeus goes high and handsome, over the bar and out for a goal kick.

GET IN THERE! Jesus Christ slides on his knees across the wet turf, Zinedine Zidane piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Montevideo Garra-Charrúa can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. GOOOAL from the messiah! Undefendable rocket, the keeper was a spectator. In that position, that kind of strike makes you look like a monster.

Solidarity move: Jesus Christ grabs Zeus who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Zeus a standing ovation right through to the restart.

The superhero produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Wally West slides it to Zeus, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Ball into space from Zeus, Franz Beckenbauer just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Dreadful pass from Franz Beckenbauer, lands three yards away from the target. Jesus Christ can do nothing with that. Brilliant tackle from Wally West! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending.

Corner from Zinedine Zidane, Franz Beckenbauer heads it with a diving effort but it goes over the bar. Shame. Sergio Ramos hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Masterful aerial duel from The Homelander, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

Batman slides a beauty through the gap, Jesus Christ is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. What a DUEL from Spider-Man! He narrowed the angle to the maximum, the attacker shot, but the keeper claimed it all. Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. Sergio Ramos with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Sergio Ramos scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

What a disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Spider-Man runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Jesus Christ gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

The physio works on Quicksilver's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Quicksilver, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Zeus, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. The entire squad confirmed that Franz Beckenbauer has a secret Love Island group chat where the 81-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 181, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' Here come the lads. Sergio Ramos jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

David Beckham puts it right into the feet of The Homelander, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The Homelander crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, David Beckham is in the right place. Commanding header from David Beckham who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but David Beckham did not budge an inch. Short build-up from David Beckham to Jesus Christ, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

The superhero finds Wally West with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Wally West sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Wally West shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Jesus Christ. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Jesus Christ with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet!

The board is up, no one is allowed to switch off now. Ten men in the box, this is the big all-in. Shot from the superhero, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. The messiah overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Ball loss from the messiah on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

Batman beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. The superhero absolutely clatters the attacker with a wild lunge. That kind of recklessness has no place in that position. Batman goes into the book for a dangerous challenge. The opponent was lucky to walk away. Nice combination started by the superhero from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. Lay-off from Zinedine Zidane to The Homelander, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Zeus sends an aerial beauty to Franz Beckenbauer, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Duel lost by Franz Beckenbauer, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. WHAT A SAVE from the superhero! That kind of keeper wins you matches all on his own.

Points shared. Spider-Man sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Wally West crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Wall pass between Jesus Christ and Zinedine Zidane, the combination comes off a treat. GOOOAL for Jesus Christ! On the cross from Zinedine Zidane, he controls and shoots, sends a bomb into the back of the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Three-man routine: Jesus Christ, Wally West and Spider-Man do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Through ball from the superhero for Jesus Christ, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Jesus Christ spots the keeper off his line and dinks it over him, perfect lob, it is in! GOAL! The intelligence of that finish, that is WORLD CLASS.

Zeus fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Sergio Ramos plays the medic running in. Spider-Man plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Quicksilver goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Quicksilver boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. David Beckham attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Royal interception from Zeus! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Zeus switches the play to Wally West on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. The Homelander pulls the trigger and it's an absolute shambles. Goes right, very very right. The superhero finds David Beckham with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Jesus Christ is hoarding the fried eggs. Spider-Man is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows Jesus Christ ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 2019 and 180, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' They are back. Batman salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Wally West wasting seconds at every opportunity, the referee just lets it happen. Booking for Wally West. Screaming at the linesman is never a good idea. Free kick crossed in by the superhero into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. The superhero heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Zeus hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Zeus delivers a tidy ball to Zinedine Zidane, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Spider-Man weaves through Rio Malandro FC's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Franz Beckenbauer screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Zeus slips Wally West in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Wally West plays it back across the box for David Beckham, the low cross is inch-perfect. BLOCKED from David Beckham! The defender threw his body at it and the ball ricocheted away. David Beckham clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. The superhero is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

The Homelander plays the free kick as a cross, Sergio Ramos finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. What a leap from Sergio Ramos! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

The messiah switches the play to David Beckham, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Huge aerial duel won by David Beckham, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. David Beckham sets it for Franz Beckenbauer, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

That is a statement result! Spider-Man stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Sergio Ramos joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Rio Malandro FC won't forget this one. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

3-2 (W)

Spider-Man distributes by hand to The Homelander on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. The superhero rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. What a LEAP from The Homelander! He climbs higher than anyone on the delivery from Jesus Christ and scores with his head. GOAL!

Ball in behind from the superhero, David Beckham is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. GOOOOAL! David Beckham aims like a top finisher. The keeper was on the line but the ball went past him, in the net!

Batman does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Jesus Christ launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Spider-Man arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The Homelander sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Franz Beckenbauer pops up between two defenders. GROTESQUE own goal from Franz Beckenbauer! He attempts an overhead kick to clear and smashes the ball into his own net! Oh you WALLY!! Even if you TRIED to do that you could not, this is GENIUS in reverse!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from The Homelander. David Beckham is on his knees clapping, Spider-Man is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The corner from Jesus Christ is met by Sergio Ramos with a header, but it drifts past the frame. Clearance from the superhero towards David Beckham, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. David Beckham accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Low pull-back from David Beckham across the turf, Quicksilver controls and shoots in one movement.

The superhero goes for the tackle and misses the lot. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. What a TIP from Spider-Man! The ball was inches from the bar and he sends it over! Zeus puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears.

Zinedine Zidane is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" David Beckham adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Quite remarkable — Spider-Man got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 28 years old. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8811 and answer this question: 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?' And we are back underway! Spider-Man jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Spider-Man does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. David Beckham launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Spider-Man arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Step-overs from The Homelander, the defender has lost the ball completely. The attacker goes past The Homelander who reaches out and grabs the jersey, foul! Yellow card for The Homelander, he clipped the heels of the attacker in full stride. Pure gamesmanship. The free kick from The Homelander is played to the side for David Beckham, intelligent stuff.

Smooth transition from Quicksilver to Batman, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Batman plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for David Beckham in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. David Beckham winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out!

Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Batman pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Free kick played short by the superhero! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Strike from Wally West that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal.

Absolutely immense from Wally West! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. The superhero hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Jesus Christ loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump. OHHH the header from Franz Beckenbauer! It goes just right of the post, the keeper was beaten!

Unbelievable! Istanbul Cehennem FK score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Spider-Man fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Wally West plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Classy interception from Sergio Ramos, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Switch from Sergio Ramos! The ball arcs over the midfield and Quicksilver collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Quicksilver takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Quicksilver tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. Batman hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

WHAT A WIN! Sergio Ramos and Franz Beckenbauer do their signature handshake — twelve steps, three fist bumps, and something involving elbows that nobody else can replicate. The fans try to copy it in the stands. It goes badly. Everyone loves it anyway. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course roughly six weeks, or until the next council election, whichever comes first. Gerald wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

3-2 (W)

Franz Beckenbauer throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Franz Beckenbauer embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace. GOOOOAL! Franz Beckenbauer places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by The Homelander, surgical finish!

Franz Beckenbauer climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Quicksilver films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Crafty ball from Zinedine Zidane into the gap, Wally West arrives into the space and collects on the move. Wally West beats the keeper with a placed strike, it is in the back of the net!

Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Sublime through ball from David Beckham for Sergio Ramos who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. GOOOOOAL for Sergio Ramos! On the genius pass from David Beckham, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Zinedine Zidane puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Jesus Christ comes steaming in. Jesus Christ sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far. Almighty boot from Zeus who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Jesus Christ wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Zeus launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Jesus Christ, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Superb tackle from the messiah, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. The messiah boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Spider-Man has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Quicksilver is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Here's one for the ages — Jesus Christ is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 180, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' And we are back underway! Wally West jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

On the corner from David Beckham, Franz Beckenbauer is there for the header but it goes over. So frustrating. Clearance from Jesus Christ under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Zeus. Pure quality, as per usual.

Franz Beckenbauer clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Cross far too long from The Homelander, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post.

Zinedine Zidane feeds Quicksilver on the short corner, slowing the tempo, pulling the defense around. Quicksilver plays the simple ball to The Homelander, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Good ball from the superhero to Zinedine Zidane, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Zinedine Zidane spots Batman in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! David Beckham gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. David Beckham plays it back for Batman who finds himself face to face with the goal inside the box. Batman winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Absolutely dreadful! Milano Piano-Piano score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Raking ball from the superhero to David Beckham, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. David Beckham crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. David Beckham explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. David Beckham gets to the byline and cuts it back low, The Homelander just needs to sidefoot it home. The Homelander tries the shot but the defender slides in and gets a toe to deflect it. Well played.

Three points in the bag! Franz Beckenbauer sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. Wally West drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Zinedine Zidane sends the free kick in front of goal, The Homelander leaps to try the header. GOOOOL from The Homelander! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Jesus Christ, the ball brushes the post and is in!

The board shows the additional minutes, the crowd erupts with noise. Short pass from the messiah to Wally West, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Wally West sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Quicksilver. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Quicksilver lofts a cross into the box, Franz Beckenbauer is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce.

The cross from David Beckham is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm. Wasted corner from Batman, the ball sails straight out the other side.

David Beckham lays off for Sergio Ramos who has all the time to pick his corner. Sergio Ramos misses the unmissable! Quicksilver serves him in front of a gaping goal and he fires over. That is cruel. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

Zinedine Zidane to Wally West, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Wally West tries the one-two with David Beckham and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Wally West wins the battle without even touching the opponent. The defence holds its line and Wally West is caught offside from Batman's ball over the top. Spider-Man plays out from the back with Zeus, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Zeus anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Zeus, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Zeus takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Jesus Christ has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 2019, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Spider-Man is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

The lads are taking the game to them, proper front-foot football. Pinpoint delivery from the superhero towards Batman, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Corner from Batman, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear! The strike from Jesus Christ is blocked by a heroic defender who throws his whole body in the way.

The superhero slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Zinedine Zidane burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Overlap and cross from Zinedine Zidane, the ball drops at the feet of Jesus Christ in the heart of the box.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Lovely use of the ball by Wally West, finding The Homelander in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Quick dribble from The Homelander, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Low cut-back from The Homelander, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Zeus. Zeus puts it right into the feet of Franz Beckenbauer, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Oh that's terrible! Sevilla Olé-Olé score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

The free kick from The Homelander lands right on Jesus Christ in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Enormous leap from Jesus Christ who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Header from the messiah, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. Batman clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. David Beckham drops a lofted ball to Wally West, it sails over the entire midfield line.

Short distribution from Spider-Man to Batman, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Batman goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Quicksilver rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Quick exchange between Quicksilver and Zeus, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Points shared. The Homelander sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Zeus crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

David Beckham reaches the byline and cuts it back for Zinedine Zidane arriving from the second wave. Oh the FINISH! Zinedine Zidane attempts the bicycle kick on the cross from Batman and it goes IN! Perfect overhead kick, the ball nestles in the top corner! We have the goal of the SEASON right there!

David Beckham runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Zeus gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Oh dear oh dear! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Spider-Man stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Sergio Ramos follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Spider-Man plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

The superhero plays it simple to The Homelander, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. High recovery from the superhero who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. GOOOOOAL signed by the superhero! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Wally West. Franz Beckenbauer is on his knees clapping, Spider-Man is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Spider-Man plays it short to Franz Beckenbauer, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Franz Beckenbauer rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Franz Beckenbauer charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Franz Beckenbauer pulls it back to the penalty spot for Batman, the defence is caught napping. The reflexes from Spider-Man are STAGGERING! The opposition smashed it and the keeper caught the lot. Not human.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Jesus Christ: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Sergio Ramos, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. A lovely aside — Spider-Man spent a rainy bank holiday assembling flat-pack furniture and documented the entire thing on Instagram Stories. It took nine hours, two breakdowns, and a trip to B&Q. At 178, he couldn't even fit the Allen key in his hand properly. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Spider-Man wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Diagonal from The Homelander to David Beckham, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Magnificent tackle from David Beckham! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Wicked through ball from David Beckham, the ball skims the grass and finds The Homelander who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Big strike from the superhero, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Batman to The Homelander, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The Homelander sets it for Batman, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Superb pass from Batman into the gap for Zinedine Zidane, the defender is rooted to the spot.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box. David Beckham curls a cross to the near post, Zeus is lurking in the box.

Batman releases Sergio Ramos with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Sergio Ramos takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Cross from Sergio Ramos far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Jesus Christ puts the corner in, MELEE in the six-yard box! The ball bounces around, defense clears eventually! The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Aerial duel lost by Franz Beckenbauer, he jumped too late and the opponent took full advantage.

Lightning press from Jesus Christ, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. What a ball from Jesus Christ! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Quicksilver is away on his own. That is velvet. Turnover from Quicksilver, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. The Homelander cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. The Homelander lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

The wall from Zeus is perfect for Zinedine Zidane who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football. Overlap from Zinedine Zidane with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Brilliant pull-back from Zinedine Zidane, Jesus Christ receives in the box with space to place it.

Draw. Quicksilver takes the time to shake every München Ordnung-Muss-Sein player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. The Homelander follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

David Beckham shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. The referee blows and points to the penalty spot! David Beckham has been bundled over in the box. The defender used too much body, it is a penalty! MASSIVE moment of the match! GOAL! David Beckham CONVERTS like a pro! Powerful penalty into the corner, the keeper is beaten. NO EMOTION!

David Beckham runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. The Homelander joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Spider-Man stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Zinedine Zidane follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Spider-Man plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Ball into space from the superhero for Zeus, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Zeus takes his bearings and STRIIIIKES! It is placed, it is on target, IT IS IIIIN!

Sergio Ramos loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. Poor handling from the superhero! When you are in that position, parrying it into the middle is the one mistake you are not allowed to make. Spider-Man lumps it long towards David Beckham, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. David Beckham slides it to Zeus, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The superhero goes long for Sergio Ramos, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Sergio Ramos rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to David Beckham. The far side is completely deserted. Ground pass from David Beckham into the free zone for Zinedine Zidane, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Pull-back from Zinedine Zidane along the ground, Sergio Ramos is in position in the area. Clean as you like. That's a beauty from Sergio Ramos! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Jesus Christ claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A Ryanair mix-up saw Spider-Man land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 28-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Out they come. Quicksilver has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Sergio Ramos to Jesus Christ, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Clean lay-off from the messiah to Zeus into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Zeus gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Sergio Ramos.

The messiah spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Wally West. That is exactly why he is out there. The superhero strays just offside on Jesus Christ's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. David Beckham decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. David Beckham winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Spider-Man sparks the transition with a quick throw to Zinedine Zidane, the break is lightning fast. Zinedine Zidane wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Driven kick from Spider-Man to The Homelander, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Quick one-two between The Homelander and David Beckham, clean as you like, they are moving forward. David Beckham eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical.

The Homelander to Sergio Ramos, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Sergio Ramos keeps it short to Jesus Christ, no frills, just good football intelligence. The messiah shifts Franz Beckenbauer into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Nutmeg from Franz Beckenbauer on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. Franz Beckenbauer slips Zinedine Zidane in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Wally West intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Zinedine Zidane picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! WHAT A SHAME for Zinedine Zidane! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

The whistle blows and Franz Beckenbauer lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Wally West claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?