My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · by Braxton Stoddart · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Yohan Blake on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 180 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Usain Bolt. An athlete in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles starting blocks better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Usain Bolt has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat personal records and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-124 (L)
The gym welcomes Eddie Hall! The strongman with the crushing weight has arrived!
MrBeast bricks it! Not the same accuracy as captivating the algorithm!
Yohan Blake coughs it up! An athlete's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
Yohan Blake gets crossed over! This seasoned vet left frozen from the right corner!
Hakuhō Shō argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to toppling the rival wrestler!
That's a wrap for now. Eddie Hall dives into the tunnel. Little scoop: Eddie Hall collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
This All-Star caliber talent MrBeast whiffs on a layup! The crowd groans!
Usain Bolt asks for ice! Cooling down, even an athlete's engine needs a rest!
Hakuhō Shō, this do-it-all player, fumbles the entry pass from downtown!
Hakuhō Shō stares in disbelief! The look of a rikishi who just lost everything!
Eddie Hall sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a strongman after their atlas stone broke!
Eddie Hall looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Hakuhō Shō looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
79-124 (L)
Usain Bolt lands the first two-handed slam! First blood! The athlete strikes first!
MrBeast misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the algorithm!
This league veteran Hakuhō Shō with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Usain Bolt beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the personal records slipping from an athlete!
Yohan Blake glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this athlete!
Halftime. Yohan Blake throws his towel on the floor walking in. Juicy anecdote: Yohan Blake was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Eddie Hall gets a clean look but ego the size of Texas costs the bucket!
MrBeast bends over during the dead ball! This certified bucket gathering what's left!
Hakuhō Shō dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the rikishi's finest moment!
Hakuhō Shō buries their face! Hidden from view, the rikishi can't watch!
MrBeast takes the loss hard! Hard as the algorithm on a bad youtuber day!
Eddie Hall hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Usain Bolt keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
81-126 (L)
Eddie Hall checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Hakuhō Shō can't finish! The rikishi who finishes the rival wrestler can't finish the play!
This name that's buzzing Yohan Blake loses concentration and the pill with it!
Usain Bolt gets burned on the switch! Hotter than an athlete's worst day on the job!
Usain Bolt mouths off on the final possession! An athlete venting about the personal records!
Off to the locker room. Usain Bolt has already drained two water bottles. Intel: Usain Bolt once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Hakuhō Shō forces a hook shot at the top of the key! This player making noise trying too hard!
Usain Bolt powers through! The athlete in them won't quit on the personal records!
MrBeast fires away into a dead end from mid-range! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
Yohan Blake throws their hands up! Like an athlete when the starting blocks breaks!
Yohan Blake walks off in defeat! Even an athlete's skills couldn't save tonight!
Hakuhō Shō's complexion is grey. Usain Bolt's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
74-118 (L)
Hakuhō Shō wins the opening tip! Tipping off with rikishi energy!
This reliable star MrBeast throws up a prayer from downtown! Not answered!
Hakuhō Shō double-dribbles! Toppling the rival wrestler doesn't have that rule!
Eddie Hall fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a strongman chasing the crushing weight!
Yohan Blake slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an athlete hits the workbench!
Break! Hakuhō Shō grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Intel: Hakuhō Shō once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
MrBeast misfires from way beyond the arc! Their camera calibration needed!
Hakuhō Shō digs deep! Deep as a rikishi digs into the rival wrestler!
This up-and-coming baller Yohan Blake forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Usain Bolt mouths off and picks up a T! Injury-prone body taking over!
Yohan Blake gave it everything! Everything an athlete has, left on the court!
Hakuhō Shō walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Eddie Hall drags one foot after the other. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-133 (L)
Tip-off! Hakuhō Shō gets us started! Let's go!
Usain Bolt attacks but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Eddie Hall gets picked! A strongman getting the crushing weight stolen in broad daylight!
Eddie Hall beaten to the spot! Slower than a strongman on a Monday morning!
Eddie Hall tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the strongman will bounce back!
The locker room fills up. Usain Bolt has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Usain Bolt tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Usain Bolt launches and misses! The basketball isn't the personal records, and it shows!
Yohan Blake drags their feet! Heavy as the starting blocks at the end of a shift!
Eddie Hall botches the handoff! Even their atlas stone exchanges go smoother!
Eddie Hall shakes their head! A strongman who can't believe that just happened!
Hakuhō Shō reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
MrBeast mutters while walking out. Yohan Blake watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-128 (L)
This respected competitor Hakuhō Shō comes out aggressive! Opens with a scoop layup driving to the hoop!
Usain Bolt misfires again! Having the personal records-shaped night!
Usain Bolt loses the ball! An athlete would never be this careless!
Usain Bolt gets posted up and scored on! This franchise cornerstone overpowered!
Eddie Hall looks to the heavens! A strongman praying for their atlas stone to work!
The players leave the court. Eddie Hall clings to the tunnel railing. Intel: Eddie Hall asked Los Angeles Nursing-Home for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Hakuhō Shō with the contested euro-step in the paint! No good! Bad selection!
Eddie Hall calls for the sub! Even a strongman's stamina with their atlas stone has limits!
Hakuhō Shō, this solid build, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Usain Bolt lets fly and kicks the stanchion! This generational talent losing composure!
Eddie Hall sits alone on the bench. This raw talent processing the defeat.
Eddie Hall pulls his cap down over his eyes. MrBeast doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Evening confession: I'm wearing Eddie Hall's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-133 (L)
MrBeast fires up the crowd to open the game! This guy everybody knows starting strong!
Yohan Blake, this player making noise, with the shot-clock heave! No good at the buzzer!
MrBeast dribbles it off their foot! Their camera would never betray a youtuber like that!
Eddie Hall gets blown by! Even a strongman couldn't stop that!
This league veteran Hakuhō Shō shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Yohan Blake to massage his thighs. Anecdote: Yohan Blake slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Off the mark for Eddie Hall! Great strongman, not so great at basketball tonight!
Hakuhō Shō slows down visibly! Slower than their sumo belt on low power!
Sloppy handling by Hakuhō Shō! Toppling the rival wrestler is done with more finesse!
Hakuhō Shō, this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Yohan Blake fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the athlete gave everything!
Yohan Blake chews his nails on the bench. MrBeast stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
82-127 (L)
MrBeast announces themselves! The youtuber has arrived and the building knows it!
Usain Bolt puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even the starting blocks can save that!
Turnover by Hakuhō Shō! Toppling the rival wrestler requires less coordination, clearly!
This hidden prospect Eddie Hall misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
MrBeast, this jersey-selling name, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
Time to breathe. MrBeast has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Anecdote: MrBeast tried to impress the Minnesota Ice-Wall players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Eddie Hall, this all-around player, gets stuffed trying a layup! Denied!
MrBeast short-arms the shot from fatigue! This top-tier talent has nothing left!
Eddie Hall commits the live-ball turnover! Their atlas stone would be ashamed!
This next-level player Yohan Blake hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from downtown!
Usain Bolt wipes a tear! An athlete who poured everything into the effort!
Hakuhō Shō stares at the floor while Yohan Blake mutters something inaudible under his breath. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
91-120 (L)
Hakuhō Shō, this tweener, sets the tone immediately! Iron discipline from the jump!
Yohan Blake can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the personal records, an athlete always hits!
Stolen from Yohan Blake! An athlete who let it slip through their fingers!
Usain Bolt overcommits! Going all-in like an athlete on the personal records, but wrong!
A reverse layup from Yohan Blake! This solid pro just keeps delivering!
End of the second quarter. Hakuhō Shō is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little secret: Hakuhō Shō watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
MrBeast, this giant, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Usain Bolt misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim the starting blocks at the personal records!
Eddie Hall reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this strongman!
This all-time great Usain Bolt signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Hakuhō Shō had the chances but couldn't convert. This player on the come-up left wanting.
Eddie Hall lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Usain Bolt decides not to comment. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-126 (L)
Eddie Hall stretches center court! Loosening up, the strongman is getting ready!
MrBeast, this big fella, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Ego the size of Texas!
Eddie Hall with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the crushing weight!
Hakuhō Shō gambles for the steal and pays the price! Lack of consistency!
Usain Bolt slams the Wilson in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Break! Yohan Blake takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Yohan Blake fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Eddie Hall can't score in the second half! This strongman is way off tonight!
This established player Hakuhō Shō can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Hakuhō Shō with the careless pass! Toppling the rival wrestler with more care, please!
Hakuhō Shō, this solid build, sits down hard on the bench! Limited stamina written all over his face!
MrBeast packs up and heads out! Packing their camera, unpacking emotions!
Eddie Hall stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. MrBeast exhales. Again. And again. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Eddie Hall's name. Forgive me. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
75-119 (L)
This next-level player Hakuhō Shō in the starting lineup! Let's see what this next-level player brings!
Eddie Hall misses! Even a strongman can't fix that shot!
Eddie Hall, this do-it-all player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in transition!
Hakuhō Shō, this combo guard, fouls unnecessarily under the basket! Limited stamina!
Yohan Blake can't mask the disappointment! This well-respected player wearing it on the sleeve!
Finally a breather. Eddie Hall has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Rumor has it Eddie Hall talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Eddie Hall misfires! The strongman's precision with the crushing weight is nowhere to be found!
Eddie Hall attacks sluggishly! Tendency to rush catching up with this surprise package!
Yohan Blake trips up in the elbow! An athlete never trips at work... Right?
MrBeast drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
MrBeast, this towering presence, hangs the head. Tough loss despite that dawg mentality effort.
Eddie Hall collapses into the first available chair. Usain Bolt stays standing, eyes glazed over. Did you know that Usain Bolt practices athlete on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
74-119 (L)
Opening possession for Eddie Hall! First touch, like first touch of their atlas stone!
MrBeast, this tower, wastes a golden chance with a wild floater!
Eddie Hall, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Limited stamina when protecting the pill!
MrBeast gives up the easy bucket! Easier than captivating the algorithm!
Usain Bolt vents at their teammates! The athlete who vents about the personal records!
Halftime. Eddie Hall wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Small detail: Eddie Hall wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Hakuhō Shō shoots an air ball in a cathedral silence! A rikishi lost in the noise!
Usain Bolt jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for shatterring the personal records tomorrow!
Yohan Blake with the backcourt violation! An athlete going backwards with the personal records!
MrBeast is visibly upset! Upset as a youtuber when the algorithm goes sideways!
Yohan Blake, this do-it-all player, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Usain Bolt's face is locked shut, zero emotion. MrBeast hides his eyes under a towel. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
80-125 (L)
This undisputed superstar Usain Bolt catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Hakuhō Shō launches but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
Usain Bolt with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost athlete!
Usain Bolt, this oversized freak, gets blown by on the perimeter! Shaky emotions under pressure in the legs!
This bonafide star MrBeast slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Cut! Halftime. Hakuhō Shō's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know? Hakuhō Shō launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
This who-is-this-guy player Eddie Hall puts up a deep three but it won't fall! Off night!
Usain Bolt is gassed! More tired than after a full day of shatterring the personal records!
This league veteran Yohan Blake dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Hakuhō Shō glares at the scoreboard! This solid pro not happy with the situation!
Usain Bolt, this hall-of-fame lock, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Eddie Hall pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Usain Bolt takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-126 (L)
Usain Bolt begins their shift on the palace of hoops! An athlete starting the starting blocks shift!
This potential breakout star Eddie Hall rattles it out! So close yet so far back to the basket!
Hakuhō Shō throws it away! Occasional mental lapses under pressure from mid-range!
This well-respected player Yohan Blake can't recover! Scored on the low block! Sometimes predictable game!
MrBeast drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a youtuber's spirit has limits!
Break. Eddie Hall collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Eddie Hall is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Hakuhō Shō forces a bad sky hook! This guy with a proven track record needs to trust teammates!
Usain Bolt misses from fatigue! Tired arms from shatterring the personal records all week!
Eddie Hall with the backcourt violation! This surprise package under too much pressure!
Hakuhō Shō, this combo guard, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the buzzer!
This dude out of nowhere Eddie Hall shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to force bad shots proved costly.
MrBeast sits on the floor in the hallway. Yohan Blake sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-128 (L)
Eddie Hall bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Usain Bolt shanks it from the free-throw line! Shatterring the personal records uses different muscles!
Hakuhō Shō with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
This hooper's hooper Hakuhō Shō gives up the offensive rebound! Lack of consistency when boxing out!
Eddie Hall fires away angrily after the turnover! This guy nobody was talking about spiraling!
The players head in. Usain Bolt slips on the wet tunnel floor. Bus driver's confession: Usain Bolt raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Hakuhō Shō, this tweener, loses the handle and the opportunity! Sometimes predictable game!
Usain Bolt stumbles on the play! Stumbling like an athlete over the personal records!
Usain Bolt tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Occasional mental lapses in the decision-making!
Usain Bolt pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The athlete in them is showing!
This absolute legend Usain Bolt congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this absolute legend.
Yohan Blake leaves the court at a jog. Usain Bolt stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Yohan Blake.
Season journal
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