My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Decisive interception from Hulk who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Hulk saw it all. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. What a BOOOOOM from Genghis Khan! The ball flies like a bullet and ends up at 60mph in the top corner. GOAL!

Hulk and Manuel Neuer do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Manuel Neuer arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

And there it is, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Manuel Neuer slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Satoru Gojo photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

The scientist reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Switch from Hulk! The ball arcs over the midfield and Lautaro Martínez collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Lautaro Martínez makes a mess of a simple pass to Sean Combs, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Ball into space from Light Yagami, Genghis Khan just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius.

Nuno Mendes slides it to Sean Combs, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Pull-back from Sean Combs along the ground, Genghis Khan is in position in the area. Clean as you like. Miss of the season from Genghis Khan! Satoru Gojo serves him a peach and he puts it into row Z. You are dreaming. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

We're playing beyond ninety, everything is still on the line. Light Yagami rolls it to Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. With one swing of the boot, Cristiano Ronaldo finds Lautaro Martínez on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Lautaro Martínez bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Genghis Khan wins the aerial battle.

Tactical debate in the corner. Light Yagami wants to push higher. Hulk reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Hulk, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A teammate has confirmed that Genghis Khan watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 864 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 9922 and answer this question: 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?' Manuel Neuer trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Short free kick from the philanthropist, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. SO CLOSE! Genghis Khan sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Cross from Genghis Khan far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

They press the keeper, he launches one up the pitch into nothing. Error from the detective, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Decisive glance from Achraf Hakimi who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Sideways ball from Lautaro Martínez to Nuno Mendes, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Nuno Mendes lays it off first time to Hulk, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The scientist bounces off Nuno Mendes for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Nuno Mendes. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Nuno Mendes plays the simple ball to Genghis Khan, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Clean lay-off from the military leader to Light Yagami into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. The detective butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Genghis Khan with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

Corner cleared, the military leader finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. The scientist intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Hulk rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Light Yagami. The far side is completely deserted. Light Yagami shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Crossfield pass from Nuno Mendes to Lautaro Martínez, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Commanding header from Lautaro Martínez who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Lautaro Martínez did not budge an inch.

Share of the spoils. Hulk walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Cristiano Ronaldo throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Paris Saint-Glinglin probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?'. The answer was of course a Morphy Richards toaster, which won by a landslide and to this day holds the highest approval rating of any mayor in the city's history. Pauline wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

It's a goal! México No-Era-Penal go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Manuel Neuer runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Nuno Mendes gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Leonardo DiCaprio tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. GOOOAL from the philanthropist! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Leonardo DiCaprio scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Cristiano Ronaldo is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The military leader delivers the corner and it's pandemonium! In that position, a quality delivery into the danger zone is exactly what you need. OHHH the goal from Genghis Khan! The keeper was on the floor, the ball was loose, he prods it in at point-blank range. POACHER'S GOAL!

'I told you so' mode. Genghis Khan eyeballs the México No-Era-Penal bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Nuno Mendes pulls Genghis Khan away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The philanthropist plays it simple to Lautaro Martínez, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Wicked through ball from Lautaro Martínez, the ball skims the grass and finds Satoru Gojo who had set off before anyone else even noticed.

GOAAAL for México No-Era-Penal! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Satoru Gojo paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Satoru Gojo exhales and sits. Nuno Mendes once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 183 and 24, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' Out they come. Cristiano Ronaldo has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Monster clearance from Manuel Neuer, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Leonardo DiCaprio. The film producer gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Absolute peach from Light Yagami, threading it through for Nuno Mendes, the centre-halves are done for! Nuno Mendes lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

Nice combination started by the film producer from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. Hulk gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Light Yagami. Cross from the detective deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well. Cristiano Ronaldo whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Superb diagonal from the jujutsu sorcerer to Lautaro Martínez, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now. The military leader gets to the byline and floats one in for Lautaro Martínez. Crossing is his bread and butter. Lautaro Martínez wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Light Yagami loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. Manuel Neuer parries it in front of him! Potential howler, the defence hacks clear in panic. Manuel Neuer fires it out quickly by hand to Hulk, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Rapid combination: Hulk to Nuno Mendes, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Light Yagami clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. The detective trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Light Yagami goes short to Sean Combs, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine. CRAAACKER from Sean Combs outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close...

Quick exchange between Satoru Gojo and Leonardo DiCaprio, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Cut-back from Leonardo DiCaprio, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Achraf Hakimi. BLOCKED! Achraf Hakimi strikes but the defender sticks a foot out and deflects it. What a sacrifice. Massive clearance from the detective under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The opponent beats Nuno Mendes to the near post and wins the header. Nuno Mendes was caught on his heels.

Light Yagami unleashes a raking ball out to Lautaro Martínez, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Lautaro Martínez looks for Nuno Mendes with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. Achraf Hakimi steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Diagonal from Achraf Hakimi to Sean Combs, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

A draw — that grey zone. Manuel Neuer signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Nuno Mendes adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-1 (W)

Hulk mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Dangerous delivery from the scientist on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. GOOOOAL from Cristiano Ronaldo! On the lofted pass from Lautaro Martínez, he produces a masterful diving header, GOOOAL!

Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. The film producer spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Nuno Mendes. That is exactly why he is out there. GOOOOOAL! Nuno Mendes sniffed it out better than anyone, he was in the right place at the right time, IT IS IN!

Leonardo DiCaprio sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Lautaro Martínez snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Manuel Neuer waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Hulk anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Majestic individual run from Hulk, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. GOOOOAL from the scientist! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

Rehearsed move all week: Hulk and Manuel Neuer stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Manuel Neuer plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Sean Combs tries to open it up for Light Yagami but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Ferocious press from Genghis Khan! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players.

Short distribution from Manuel Neuer to Sean Combs, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. The philanthropist is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Achraf Hakimi sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Cristiano Ronaldo nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Sean Combs is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. Sources confirm Sean Combs once spent four hours in Primark and came out wearing head-to-toe matching leopard print. At 180, the 57-year-old looked like a giraffe having an identity crisis. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1133 and answer this question: 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Satoru Gojo squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

It's in the back of the net! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Low cut-back from the military leader for Satoru Gojo. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. The jujutsu sorcerer wastes the gift from Hulk, open goal and he fires wide. In that position, that is unforgivable, you are expected to finish those. Manuel Neuer hoofs it forward towards Achraf Hakimi, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Manuel Neuer distributes short to Satoru Gojo, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Satoru Gojo sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Short build-up from Satoru Gojo to Nuno Mendes, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Smooth transition from Nuno Mendes to Lautaro Martínez, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Brilliant switch of play from Leonardo DiCaprio! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Genghis Khan. Genghis Khan tries to pick out Lautaro Martínez on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. The jujutsu sorcerer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Satoru Gojo to Lautaro Martínez, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Good delivery from Lautaro Martínez off the left flank, Achraf Hakimi positions himself between the two centre-halves.

Incredible burst of pace from Genghis Khan, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Genghis Khan sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers. Massive punt from Manuel Neuer, sends the ball sixty yards, Lautaro Martínez is scrapping for it up top. Lautaro Martínez switches the play to Cristiano Ronaldo on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Firm pass from Nuno Mendes into Achraf Hakimi, right into the boots. No waste. Achraf Hakimi rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side. The corner from Achraf Hakimi is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

That is a statement result! Hulk stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Nuno Mendes joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib won't forget this one. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?'. The answer was of course Watford Gap, for its outstanding performance in the category of Sustained Disappointment. Maureen wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Short pass from the scientist to Sean Combs, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. GOOOAL for Sean Combs! MONUMENTAL long-range strike, the keeper was positioned but the ball flew over him. UNDEFENDABLE!

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. What CLASS from Sean Combs! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Leonardo DiCaprio gives the defender not a single second on the ball and wins possession. Pressing is a state of mind, and Leonardo DiCaprio has it running through his veins. Delicious through ball from Leonardo DiCaprio, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Cristiano Ronaldo is there to gobble it up. Underhit ball from Cristiano Ronaldo, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. Brilliant interception from Cristiano Ronaldo, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Cristiano Ronaldo boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Satoru Gojo gives it to Light Yagami into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The detective pulls it back along the ground for Leonardo DiCaprio. The low cut-back is his trademark. The reflexes from Manuel Neuer are STAGGERING! The opposition smashed it and the keeper caught the lot. Not human.

Wing switch from Lautaro Martínez, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Genghis Khan brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Genghis Khan wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Cristiano Ronaldo goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner.

Hulk is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Genghis Khan, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Inside info here — Achraf Hakimi insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 28, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' Leonardo DiCaprio spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Manuel Neuer sparks the transition with a quick throw to Satoru Gojo, the break is lightning fast. Magnificent tackle from Satoru Gojo! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Lay-off from Satoru Gojo to Leonardo DiCaprio, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Achraf Hakimi reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Achraf Hakimi decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos.

Oh no, Dakar Teranga FC have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Manuel Neuer runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Sean Combs joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Light Yagami reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Light Yagami plays it simple to Cristiano Ronaldo, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Step-over from Cristiano Ronaldo, he ghosts past his man in one move! Cristiano Ronaldo pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Cristiano Ronaldo sees yellow for persistent infringement. He pushed the referee too far.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Good ball from the detective to Genghis Khan, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Body feint from Genghis Khan, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. The military leader slides a perfect cut-back for Lautaro Martínez in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. Lautaro Martínez spreads it to Genghis Khan, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Hulk spots Genghis Khan peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. The military leader thought he'd scored from Achraf Hakimi's pass but the flag is up! In that position, timing your run is everything. Manuel Neuer opts for the short option to Achraf Hakimi, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Full time, full joy! Leonardo DiCaprio walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Genghis Khan carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Dakar Teranga FC are yesterday's news. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Sean Combs powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. The referee blows for a PENALTY! Sean Combs has been put on the floor in the box by the defender. OBVIOUS foul, indisputable penalty. The crux of the match is happening RIGHT NOW! GOAL for Sean Combs! PANENKA penalty! The keeper dives and the ball floats over him, AUDACIOUS!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Sean Combs is at the centre, lifted up by Achraf Hakimi and Manuel Neuer, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Douala Makossa-Corner's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Good ball from Achraf Hakimi to Leonardo DiCaprio, playing it quick between the lines. The BAAAAAAR for Leonardo DiCaprio! Heading for the top corner and it comes back off! The goal just won't come! GOOOAL! Lautaro Martínez pops up at the back post on the cross from Sean Combs and prods the ball into the empty net from 2 yards!

Achraf Hakimi sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Manuel Neuer photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Magnificent reading of the game from Light Yagami, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Hulk lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Lautaro Martínez down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. OHHH the rush from Manuel Neuer! He read it, charged, and smothered the ball. ONE-ON-ONE WON! Manuel Neuer plays it short to Light Yagami, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Light Yagami goes crossfield to Nuno Mendes, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Nuno Mendes explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Nuno Mendes keeps it short to Lautaro Martínez, no frills, just good football intelligence. Lautaro Martínez sets it for Sean Combs, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Sean Combs bounces it off Genghis Khan for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality.

Flash wall from Cristiano Ronaldo for Leonardo DiCaprio who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. Leonardo DiCaprio is caught offside from Cristiano Ronaldo's through ball. Flag goes up straight away. Manuel Neuer goes long for Light Yagami, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Light Yagami finds Nuno Mendes between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Tactical debate in the corner. Leonardo DiCaprio wants to push higher. Cristiano Ronaldo reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Cristiano Ronaldo, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Manuel Neuer is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 40-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7878 and answer this question: 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?' Hulk is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Satoru Gojo shapes to shoot but plays it short to Lautaro Martínez, the defence is caught flat-footed. Lautaro Martínez has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. The military leader sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Genghis Khan catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. Genghis Khan lunges in two-footed on the attacker, that is an awful tackle. The ref is straight over. Genghis Khan sees yellow for that dangerous challenge. The intent was clear, the ref was right. The free kick is played as a short pass by Genghis Khan, Leonardo DiCaprio picks it up and drives forward.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Manuel Neuer launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Nuno Mendes after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Enormous anticipation from Nuno Mendes who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off.

Sean Combs slips Achraf Hakimi in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Achraf Hakimi tries the one-two with Light Yagami and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Achraf Hakimi wins the battle without even touching the opponent. The assistant spots it, Achraf Hakimi was offside by a whisker when Hulk played the ball. Short restart from Manuel Neuer to Genghis Khan, building from the back nice and tidy. Lovely anticipation from the military leader who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Manuel Neuer. Satoru Gojo is on his knees clapping, Manuel Neuer is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Genghis Khan shifts it to Nuno Mendes with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Brilliant opening from Nuno Mendes for Achraf Hakimi, frees up the entire left flank. Achraf Hakimi accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Naughty from Achraf Hakimi! Pulls the attacker's shirt right in front of the linesman!

Shared match. Cristiano Ronaldo walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Manuel Neuer does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?'. The answer was of course a minimum of six, studies from the University of Barnsley confirm this. Gerald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-1 (W)

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. GOOOOAL for Leonardo DiCaprio! ABSOLUTE SCREAMER, the keeper dives at thin air, the ball ends up in the back of the net!

Leonardo DiCaprio kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Satoru Gojo takes a knee behind him. Manuel Neuer raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Oh no, Lagos No-Carry-Last score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Manuel Neuer climbs onto Achraf Hakimi's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Manuel Neuer circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

The jujutsu sorcerer devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Satoru Gojo has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OHHH the MASTERFUL penalty from Satoru Gojo! He sends the keeper the wrong way with disconcerting ease. GOAL!

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. What a CHARGE from Manuel Neuer! He smothers the attacker in full flight and smothers the ball. Lifesaving clearance from Hulk! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Interception from Cristiano Ronaldo right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence.

Free kick played short by Satoru Gojo and Genghis Khan, the opposition did not see that one coming. Overlap and cross from Genghis Khan, the ball drops at the feet of Light Yagami in the heart of the box. The detective tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. Corner from Leonardo DiCaprio, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Massive diagonal from Cristiano Ronaldo! Genghis Khan receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Genghis Khan has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Leonardo DiCaprio is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. Nuno Mendes has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 24, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' The gaffer gives Manuel Neuer one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Manuel Neuer runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Panicked clearance from Hulk, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Genghis Khan picks out Lautaro Martínez with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Lautaro Martínez squares it back for Sean Combs, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. Incredible miss from Sean Combs! Achraf Hakimi does everything right and he fluffs it in front of an open goal. Unforgivable.

The opponent gets the better of Satoru Gojo in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. Manuel Neuer fails to gather it cleanly, the ball is loose in the box. Achraf Hakimi scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. Foul by Lautaro Martínez in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Free kick from Lautaro Martínez is horribly miscued, the ball sails two yards over the bar.

Wall pass between Lautaro Martínez and Cristiano Ronaldo, the combination comes off a treat. Lautaro Martínez is flagged yet again. He can't seem to get his timing right with Nuno Mendes's passes. Manuel Neuer boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Satoru Gojo! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. The jujutsu sorcerer lays it off first time to Hulk, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The scientist bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

Light Yagami boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Achraf Hakimi clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. The ref brandishes the yellow. Achraf Hakimi lost control completely in that tackle.

Free kick played short by the philanthropist! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. JUST WIIIIIDE from Genghis Khan! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. WHAT A SHAME for Lautaro Martínez! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Lautaro Martínez drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Achraf Hakimi slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. Lagos No-Carry-Last trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. The detective finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Leonardo DiCaprio clean through. Pure genius from that position. Oh the LOB from Leonardo DiCaprio! The keeper is off his line, Leonardo DiCaprio chips it over him with a SUBLIME touch! The ball drops like a falling leaf into the goal. MAGNIFICENT!

Light Yagami mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Hulk does the wave with contortionist grace. Manuel Neuer solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Monumental ball from Achraf Hakimi to Nuno Mendes, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Nuno Mendes with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! One touch football: Nuno Mendes to Genghis Khan, faster than the opposition can think.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Late challenge from Achraf Hakimi, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given.

Driven kick from Manuel Neuer to Light Yagami, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. The detective shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Hulk. Pure quality, as per usual. Aerial duel won by the scientist, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

The jujutsu sorcerer plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Achraf Hakimi delivers a tidy ball to Sean Combs, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Achraf Hakimi. "That is your job. 28 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. A train mix-up saw Leonardo DiCaprio end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 52-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8811 and answer this question: 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Satoru Gojo takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

The scientist finds Genghis Khan along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The one-two between Genghis Khan and Cristiano Ronaldo blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. Genghis Khan strays offside on Cristiano Ronaldo's ball. A metre ahead of the last defender at least. Quick throw from Manuel Neuer to Nuno Mendes out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Well spotted by Nuno Mendes who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation.

Terrible timing from Light Yagami on that challenge, arrives a second late and the attacker breezes past. The ball spills out of Manuel Neuer's gloves, scramble in front of goal! Massive clearance from Sean Combs, just get the ball as far away as possible.

The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now. Satoru Gojo whips in a cross at head height, Achraf Hakimi anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. What a SHAMBLES in the box after Achraf Hakimi's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Nuno Mendes shoots but it cannons off the defender's legs. The shot is denied.

Oh dear, Barranquilla Toque-Toque have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Nutmeg from Genghis Khan on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. Genghis Khan hooks the attacker by the elbow, cheap foul in midfield. The military leader is booked for a professional foul. Players in that position know exactly when to stop the play. The military leader dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players.

Achraf Hakimi with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Quick one-two between Achraf Hakimi and Sean Combs, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The philanthropist roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Sean Combs to Achraf Hakimi, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

1-1 and off we go. Light Yagami hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Hulk does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course roughly six weeks, or until the next council election, whichever comes first. Gerald wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The scientist reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Lautaro Martínez unleashes a HOWITZER on the cross from Sean Combs! The ball rips the net, GOOOAL!

Dead defender. Hulk mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Light Yagami completes the choreography by collapsing. Manuel Neuer arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Manuel Neuer catapults the ball towards Leonardo DiCaprio from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The film producer misplaces his pass to Light Yagami, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Satoru Gojo puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery!

Lovely use of the ball by Nuno Mendes, finding Satoru Gojo in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Smart pass from Satoru Gojo into the hole for Cristiano Ronaldo, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Cristiano Ronaldo reaches the byline and pulls it back for Achraf Hakimi, the low ball fizzes through the area.

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Manuel Neuer dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Manuel Neuer throws it out quickly to Achraf Hakimi, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Achraf Hakimi looks for Lautaro Martínez but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. Satoru Gojo launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Leonardo DiCaprio stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Reports suggest that Achraf Hakimi once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 28 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show The Crystal Gazer! To win a weekend at a haunted Premier Inn, text 0800GHOST and answer: 'How many ghosts per square metre does the average Travelodge have?' Satoru Gojo trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Genghis Khan launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Achraf Hakimi, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post.

Satoru Gojo spots the run from Leonardo DiCaprio and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Shot from the film producer, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Lautaro Martínez slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints.

Long kick from Manuel Neuer, Leonardo DiCaprio positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Leonardo DiCaprio spots Lautaro Martínez in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Lautaro Martínez weights his pass into the space for Satoru Gojo who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Satoru Gojo plays it back across the box for Sean Combs, the low cross is inch-perfect. Sean Combs produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Great vision from Achraf Hakimi who switches to Hulk. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Aerial duel lost by Hulk, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. Achraf Hakimi boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Interception from Light Yagami who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Light Yagami. Individual run from Light Yagami, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper.

Hulk clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Little shift from Genghis Khan to Hulk, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Hulk clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Full time and it's level. Manuel Neuer stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Lautaro Martínez grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Wendy from Carlisle says roughly three point seven ghosts per square metre based on her last stay in Watford. Haunted Premier Inn weekend it is! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-0 (W)

The press from Cristiano Ronaldo pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Cristiano Ronaldo pounces. A forced gift. GOOOOOAL! Cristiano Ronaldo places it inside the post from the cross by Lautaro Martínez, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

The scientist boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Pinpoint delivery from the jujutsu sorcerer towards Hulk, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Long ball from Nuno Mendes to Achraf Hakimi, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Achraf Hakimi picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Achraf Hakimi links up with Genghis Khan, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Raking ball from the military leader to Nuno Mendes, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

The military leader puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Header from Achraf Hakimi, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Long ball from Manuel Neuer for Sean Combs who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Achraf Hakimi launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Achraf Hakimi sends an aerial beauty to Hulk, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Achraf Hakimi is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Light Yagami and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. Now Hulk — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 7272 and answer this question: 'Which British town was accidentally built upside down?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Manuel Neuer knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Light Yagami slides the ball into space for Achraf Hakimi, he is away down the middle. Achraf Hakimi takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Achraf Hakimi crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of Satoru Gojo. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Genghis Khan decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Dribble attempt aborted for Genghis Khan, the defender reads the play and steps in. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

The jujutsu sorcerer rolls it back along the ground for Hulk. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. Hulk blazes it into the stands when Sean Combs had opened the door wide! Empty goal and he still finds a way to miss. Manuel Neuer plays it along the ground to Genghis Khan, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

That's a leg-breaker from Light Yagami! He's come in like a freight train on the attacker. Straight red for Light Yagami, he's lashed out with his fist. That's a three-match ban minimum. Free kick from Light Yagami played as a cross, Genghis Khan positions himself at the far post. Genghis Khan beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss.

The scientist puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. Nasty little foul from Hulk, he takes out the legs from under the runner. Yellow card for the scientist, a cynical foul to kill the break. It comes with the territory in that role. Hulk collects a second yellow card. Red follows. He's let everyone down tonight. Hulk puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Nuno Mendes is there to finish.

What a performance! Manuel Neuer exchanges jerseys with the Buenos Aires Pecho Frío skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Leonardo DiCaprio just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British town was accidentally built upside down?'. The answer was of course Scunthorpe, which explains why the drains are on the roof and everyone walks on the ceiling. Brenda wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

What a game, the ball flying from left to right, nobody in control anymore. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! GOOOOOOL! Genghis Khan catapults an indecent rocket on the cross from Satoru Gojo, the keeper did not even move!

Genghis Khan finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Manuel Neuer plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Lautaro Martínez feeds Nuno Mendes in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Nuno Mendes sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. What FINESSE on the strike from Nuno Mendes! On the cross from Satoru Gojo, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

Light Yagami senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Pitch-length run from the detective, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory.

Manuel Neuer finds Nuno Mendes with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Nuno Mendes launches it to Sean Combs on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Ground pass from Sean Combs into the free zone for Lautaro Martínez, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Lautaro Martínez reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Hulk receives it in the box. It is on a plate. Textbook tackle from Hulk there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Acrobatic flick from Genghis Khan to control, the touch is sumptuous. This is entertainment. Genghis Khan puts it right into the feet of Lautaro Martínez, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Just wide from Lautaro Martínez, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Beautiful distribution from Manuel Neuer to Achraf Hakimi, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Hulk is doing an impression of Rio Malandro FC's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. Sean Combs is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." Now I've been told — and I can barely say this with a straight face — that Hulk has a loyalty card at his local dodgy kebab shop. Thirteen stamps and you get a free doner. He's on stamp eleven and says the Champions League can wait. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' Right then, part two. Manuel Neuer adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Wall combination between Light Yagami and Cristiano Ronaldo, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. Overlap from Light Yagami with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The detective sets up Lautaro Martínez with a pull-back inside the eighteen. When you have got that footballing brain, you change matches.

Change of flanks from Lautaro Martínez, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Genghis Khan. Overlap from Genghis Khan on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Genghis Khan delivers a tidy ball to Lautaro Martínez, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Lautaro Martínez pings a ridiculous diagonal to Cristiano Ronaldo. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Manuel Neuer sends an absolute rocket towards Genghis Khan, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Bad pass from the military leader, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Light Yagami lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Worked short corner between Sean Combs and Light Yagami, the defense has to readjust. Light Yagami plays it back across the floor in the box, Leonardo DiCaprio receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back. MISSSSED! Leonardo DiCaprio alone in front of goal on the service from Satoru Gojo and it goes wide. The bench has heads in hands.

Oh no, Rio Malandro FC score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Nuno Mendes goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Nuno Mendes sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Satoru Gojo. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross.

That's what it MEANS! Satoru Gojo rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Leonardo DiCaprio catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Rio Malandro FC are done. Absolutely done. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-0 (W)

Sideways ball from Cristiano Ronaldo to Achraf Hakimi, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Achraf Hakimi wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure. Curled effort from Achraf Hakimi on the pass from Genghis Khan, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Sean Combs do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Manuel Neuer arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Light Yagami looks up and launches a long pass towards Achraf Hakimi. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Sublime through ball from Light Yagami for Achraf Hakimi who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Acceleration from Achraf Hakimi down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway.

Sean Combs chains a roulette into a step-over, defenders are dropping like flies. Sean Combs wants to beat his man but it is him who gets beaten. The defender recovers. Nuno Mendes steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Free kick from Nuno Mendes delivered with pace, Hulk finds himself in space at the far post.

Manuel Neuer takes his time and plays it short to Leonardo DiCaprio. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Leonardo DiCaprio fires the ball over to Achraf Hakimi with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Dominant header from Achraf Hakimi on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Monster clearance from Achraf Hakimi! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Lautaro Martínez wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance.

Achraf Hakimi clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Lautaro Martínez steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Lautaro Martínez hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Nuno Mendes, you have been outstanding. Lautaro Martínez, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Satoru Gojo attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 37-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show Dragon's Den of Iniquity! To win a genuine Peter Jones raised eyebrow, text 5123 and answer: 'For that reason, how many dragons are typically out?' Hulk spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Free kick from Satoru Gojo looped in, the ball is dropped onto Nuno Mendes at the penalty spot. What a leap from Nuno Mendes! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Burst of speed from Nuno Mendes, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Free kick to the opponents. Nuno Mendes caught his man with a stray leg. The free kick from Nuno Mendes is played short, Sean Combs receives and goes immediately.

Free kick swung in by Sean Combs, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Achraf Hakimi is lurking. Phenomenal leap from Achraf Hakimi who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Burst of speed from the military leader down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Genghis Khan dinks a cross over the centre-halves for Nuno Mendes, that is an aerial masterpiece.

Nuno Mendes boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Smooth transition from Cristiano Ronaldo to Nuno Mendes, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Nuno Mendes gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Light Yagami just needs to sidefoot it home. Light Yagami misses the unmissable! Leonardo DiCaprio serves him in front of a gaping goal and he fires over. That is cruel.

Short pass from the film producer to Sean Combs, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sean Combs fires a low ball back across the box for Achraf Hakimi, the defence is caught wrong-footed.

What a tackle by Achraf Hakimi! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Leonardo DiCaprio! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar!

Three points in the bag! Manuel Neuer sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. Achraf Hakimi drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. Janice from Bristol says typically all five dragons are out but they wish you the very best of luck. Raised eyebrow for Janice! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

High recovery from Lautaro Martínez who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Lautaro Martínez gifts Cristiano Ronaldo a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. GOAL for Cristiano Ronaldo! The keeper parries it in front of him, the ball is loose, he just has to push it in. EASY GOAL but well placed!

Cristiano Ronaldo changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Leonardo DiCaprio. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Leonardo DiCaprio shifts it wide to Hulk on the right, lovely ball into the space. Hulk hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Cut-back along the turf from the scientist for Genghis Khan. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence.

What positioning from Nuno Mendes! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Lovely use of the ball by Nuno Mendes, finding Sean Combs in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Sean Combs swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Lautaro Martínez, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Firm pass from Lautaro Martínez into Light Yagami, right into the boots. No waste.

Devastating burst of pace from Leonardo DiCaprio, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. PENALTY for the film producer! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. Penalty missed! Leonardo DiCaprio sends the ball sailing over the crossbar. The pressure ate him alive.

Huge interception from Achraf Hakimi! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Key pass from Achraf Hakimi! It fizzes between the lines and Leonardo DiCaprio collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Overlap from the film producer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The film producer whips in a classic cross for Lautaro Martínez in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Manuel Neuer plucks the ball out of the air with total assurance. The defence breathes, the keeper is watching.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Hulk is hoarding the fried eggs. Achraf Hakimi is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." Sean Combs is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 57-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' Here come the lads. Sean Combs jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

The military leader cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Leonardo DiCaprio. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The film producer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Leonardo DiCaprio triggers a change of flanks for Sean Combs, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Lautaro Martínez threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Nuno Mendes bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. The flag denies Nuno Mendes, offside by a toe on Lautaro Martínez's pass. Absolutely devastating!

The scientist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Hulk pings a long diagonal to Leonardo DiCaprio, completely shifts the point of attack. The film producer dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

Manuel Neuer smashes a volley towards Light Yagami, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. The detective switches the play to Hulk, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Superb leap from Hulk who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below.

Light Yagami intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Genghis Khan shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Strike from Satoru Gojo that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal.

That's what it MEANS! Nuno Mendes rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Sean Combs catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Milano Piano-Piano are done. Absolutely done. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Tidy restart from Manuel Neuer along the deck to Achraf Hakimi, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Achraf Hakimi lays it off first time to Light Yagami, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The detective winds up from 28 yards and the ball ends top bins! In that position, daring and succeeding like that is the mark of the greats. GOAL!

Horrific challenge from Achraf Hakimi! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. Yellow card for Achraf Hakimi, that elbow was out and the referee spotted it immediately. The free kick from Achraf Hakimi is a dangerous one, Satoru Gojo meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Satoru Gojo wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Step-overs from Cristiano Ronaldo, the defender has lost the ball completely, the fans are loving it. Cristiano Ronaldo puts it right into the feet of Nuno Mendes, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Nuno Mendes has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Manuel Neuer rolls it short to Nuno Mendes into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. CRAAACKER from Satoru Gojo outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide! The corner from the jujutsu sorcerer is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Decisive interception from the philanthropist, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Smooth transition from Sean Combs to Lautaro Martínez, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Light Yagami launches himself at the attacker, no control, no timing. A horror tackle. VAR has flagged something here, everyone is standing still waiting for the verdict. VAR steps in and Light Yagami's challenge deserves red, the referee changes his mind! RED CARD! Light Yagami catches the attacker knee-high with a flying challenge. Off you go! Light Yagami sends the free kick in front of goal, Genghis Khan leaps to try the header.

Tactical debate in the corner. Nuno Mendes wants to push higher. Sean Combs reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Sean Combs, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. The 28-year-old Achraf Hakimi has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 180, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Manuel Neuer leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Lautaro Martínez unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner. VAR wants a stoppage, the stadium falls silent. This could swing the whole match. We believed! VAR gives the penalty to Lautaro Martínez, what a moment of tension! PUSHED AWAY! Sean Combs's penalty is saved by the keeper who dives the right way. What a moment! Manuel Neuer plays out from the back with Leonardo DiCaprio, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

The jujutsu sorcerer opens up to Lautaro Martínez on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Floated cross from Lautaro Martínez off the right, Cristiano Ronaldo has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Cristiano Ronaldo loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning.

Nuno Mendes throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Nuno Mendes absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

They've scored again! Sevilla Olé-Olé are running riot and we can't cope.

Manuel Neuer mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Lautaro Martínez raises Manuel Neuer's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Manuel Neuer plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Good ball from the jujutsu sorcerer to Leonardo DiCaprio, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Quick dribble from Leonardo DiCaprio, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Leonardo DiCaprio slides the ball across the ground in the box, Sean Combs arrives for the finish. Short pass from the philanthropist to Lautaro Martínez, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. Nuno Mendes opens up the space for Achraf Hakimi with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride.

Share of the spoils. Manuel Neuer walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Nuno Mendes throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. Sevilla Olé-Olé probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Satoru Gojo chips a cross over the defensive line, Leonardo DiCaprio controls in space. That is world class. GOOOOOAL! Leonardo DiCaprio sends in an INSANE bicycle kick! The cross from Genghis Khan is inch-perfect, Leonardo DiCaprio throws himself backwards, both feet in the air, and BOOM the ball is in! MASTERFUL!

Satoru Gojo and Sean Combs do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Manuel Neuer arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Sean Combs drops a lofted ball to Genghis Khan, it sails over the entire midfield line. The military leader lays it off first time to Satoru Gojo, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Killer ball from Sean Combs through the gap! Light Yagami bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. The detective was beyond the last man when Lautaro Martínez played it. Clear offside. Emergency clearance from the detective, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Nuno Mendes goes sliding in but the ball's already three yards away. He's just tackled the pitch. SURGICAL fingertip save from Manuel Neuer! He barely touches the ball but it is enough to push it over. Corner from Light Yagami but it is cleared at the near post by a defender.

Satoru Gojo floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Authoritative clearance from Achraf Hakimi in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. One touch football: Cristiano Ronaldo to Light Yagami, faster than the opposition can think. The detective beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Cristiano Ronaldo paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Cristiano Ronaldo exhales and sits. Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Lautaro Martínez once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 177 and 29 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Light Yagami picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Crunching tackle by Nuno Mendes on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Phenomenal run from Nuno Mendes, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. Nuno Mendes finds Satoru Gojo in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Shot from Cristiano Ronaldo, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

Achraf Hakimi sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Achraf Hakimi opens up to Satoru Gojo on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. The jujutsu sorcerer bends the ball into the box for Achraf Hakimi. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Achraf Hakimi delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid! Powerful effort from Satoru Gojo, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar.

Manuel Neuer distributes by hand to Hulk on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Hulk plays the simple ball to Sean Combs, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Body feint from Sean Combs, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Manuel Neuer and Hulk do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Manuel Neuer arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Cross from Satoru Gojo off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Genghis Khan at the far side. Genghis Khan crosses towards Leonardo DiCaprio but the defender reads the flight and deflects it away. The scientist puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Classy interception from Achraf Hakimi, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Share of the spoils. Achraf Hakimi walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Sean Combs throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

It's there! London Three-Pints tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Manuel Neuer runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Hulk joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Sean Combs delivers into the box on the corner, it's a proper BATTLE in there! Defense holds firm! OOOOH the tap-in from Lautaro Martínez! On the loose ball, he was 6 yards out, he pokes it in. GOAL!

Sean Combs sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Genghis Khan snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Manuel Neuer waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Satoru Gojo puts the ball right into the path of Genghis Khan, played to the inch, the space is found.

Achraf Hakimi reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Achraf Hakimi was quicker. Achraf Hakimi looks up and launches a long pass towards Light Yagami. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Light Yagami is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. COLOSSAL save from Manuel Neuer! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

That recovery run from Nuno Mendes is worth a goal in itself. Without that effort, it's 1-0 right there. Nuno Mendes goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. The free kick from Nuno Mendes clears the defence and finds Light Yagami in the danger area. Lovely claim from Manuel Neuer! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Leonardo DiCaprio, stop dropping deep. Achraf Hakimi, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Teammates say Sean Combs has an uncanny ability to find the nearest Greggs within thirty seconds of arriving in any city. It's like a sixth sense. At 180, he's essentially a sausage-roll-seeking missile in football boots. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' Light Yagami trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Light Yagami clings onto the attacker's arm, free kick, no arguments. Light Yagami picks up a yellow for fouling the attacker on the transition. Dark arts of defending. Free kick from Light Yagami to the near post, Achraf Hakimi gets a flick on it. Oh no Achraf Hakimi fluffs his header! The cross from Light Yagami was inch-perfect but it goes over. Manuel Neuer lumps it long towards Lautaro Martínez, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Genghis Khan spreads it to Satoru Gojo, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The timing is everything: Satoru Gojo releases the ball at the perfect moment and Cristiano Ronaldo explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Overlap from Cristiano Ronaldo on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. The jujutsu sorcerer gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Nuno Mendes reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Nuno Mendes sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Hulk. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

Achraf Hakimi launches it to Nuno Mendes on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Nuno Mendes wants to find Cristiano Ronaldo between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Stunning tackle by Cristiano Ronaldo in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch.

Corner from Genghis Khan and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! Massive clearance from Light Yagami in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming.

Give and go from the scientist with Sean Combs, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Genghis Khan launches a long ball for Hulk, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Manuel Neuer opts for the short option to Hulk, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Hulk delivers a tidy ball to Genghis Khan, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The military leader takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Hulk shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Light Yagami goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.