My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · by Isaac Priest · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Steve Buscemi. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Kevin James is on this team. Kevin James, who is a film producer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their loaded checkbook under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
Jon Heder looks dialed in from the start! That dawg mentality preparation showing!
Steve Buscemi fades away but overcooks it! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing up again!
Sam Lerner dribbles it off their foot! The script binder would never betray a movie actor like that!
Kevin James gets crossed over! This multi-time All-Star left frozen from the right corner!
Steve Buscemi, this smooth operator, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Halftime. Mitchel Musso's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Juicy intel: Mitchel Musso turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Steve Buscemi can't connect! The fire hose in hand, sure. The ball through the hoop, nope!
Mitchel Musso soldiers on! The soldier who portrays the film character with the script binder!
Jon Heder with the backcourt violation! A film producer going backwards with the risky picture!
Jon Heder is visibly upset! Upset as a film producer when the risky picture goes sideways!
Sam Lerner walks off in defeat! Even a movie actor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Kevin James collapses into the first available chair. Sam Lerner stays standing, eyes glazed over. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
81-121 (L)
Sam Lerner explodes with energy from the opening whistle! This established player locked in!
A fadeaway jumper from Sam Lerner sails wide! This respected competitor needs to regroup!
Jon Heder steps back the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy with a proven track record!
Steve Buscemi, this tweener, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over heavy feet!
Mitchel Musso mouths off at the jump ball! A movie actor venting about the film character!
Halftime whistle! Jon Heder grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Confession: Jon Heder calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
A two-handed slam from Sam Lerner goes in and out! Heartbreaking in the paint!
Sam Lerner labors up the court! Trudging like a movie actor dragging the film character!
Stolen from Kevin James! A film producer who let it slip through their fingers!
Kevin James looks to the heavens! A film producer praying for their loaded checkbook to work!
This guy everybody knows Kevin James leaves the hardwood with head held high. Fought to the end.
Mitchel Musso's eyes are red, jaw tight. Steve Buscemi apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
83-127 (L)
Mitchel Musso launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this league veteran!
Steve Buscemi misfires from back to the basket! The fire hose calibration needed!
Mitchel Musso throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the movie actor got too confident!
Sam Lerner gets blown by! Even a movie actor couldn't stop that!
Mitchel Musso waves off the play! The authority of a movie actor in that gesture!
Heading in. Mitchel Musso's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Fun fact: Mitchel Musso failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Sam Lerner fires away and fires but misses everything! Sometimes predictable game tonight!
Sam Lerner jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for portraying the film character tomorrow!
Sam Lerner turns it over at after a timeout! A movie actor dropping the script binder at the worst time!
This up-and-coming baller Sam Lerner shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Despite the loss, Steve Buscemi held their own with the burning structure! The firefighter fought!
Jon Heder claps his hands in frustration. Sam Lerner clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
76-120 (L)
This legit talent Sam Lerner in the starting lineup! Let's see what this legit talent brings!
Kevin James misfires! The film producer's precision with the risky picture is nowhere to be found!
Sam Lerner crosses over into a trap! Occasional mental lapses when reading the defense!
Jon Heder scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Sam Lerner stares in disbelief! The look of a movie actor who just lost everything!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Steve Buscemi picks up the pace. I've been told Steve Buscemi always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Kevin James skips it off the rim! The risky picture has better hop than that!
Mitchel Musso drags their feet! Heavy as the script binder at the end of a shift!
This franchise guy Kevin James with turnover number buckets! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Steve Buscemi slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a firefighter hits the workbench!
Kevin James explodes to the tunnel in disappointment. This top-tier talent will learn from this.
Mitchel Musso walks toward the tunnel without a word. Kevin James stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I learned that Mitchel Musso's father was a movie actor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
87-117 (L)
Sam Lerner huddles with the team! Huddling up, the movie actor strategizes!
That one wasn't even close, Steve Buscemi! Stick to extinguishing the burning structure!
Sam Lerner loses possession! The film character never leaves a movie actor's hands like that!
Jon Heder gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to force bad shots!
Steve Buscemi with a pull-up jumper off the pick! Using screens better than most pros!
Halftime! Kevin James walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Little secret: Kevin James watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Kevin James mutters to himself walking back! This established star fighting inner demons!
This certified bucket Steve Buscemi misses the mark! A catch-and-shoot triple goes begging at the top of the key!
Kevin James adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a film producer with the risky picture!
This guy everybody knows Kevin James has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jon Heder gave it everything! Everything a film producer has, left on the court!
Jon Heder's complexion is grey. Steve Buscemi's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-125 (L)
Sam Lerner, this versatile guy, is introduced and the arena explodes! This seasoned vet is in the building!
Steve Buscemi, this tweener, wastes a golden chance with a wild tear drop!
Kevin James fires away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This respected competitor Mitchel Musso caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Steve Buscemi vents at their teammates! The firefighter who vents about the burning structure!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Sam Lerner asks for an ice pack. Intel: Sam Lerner asked Los Angeles Nursing-Home for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Mitchel Musso rattles in and out! The film character never teases a movie actor like that!
Sam Lerner, this do-it-all player, laboring up and down! Occasional mental lapses draining the energy!
Steve Buscemi throws it into the stands! What was that from this elite player!
Sam Lerner kicks the air! The frustration of a movie actor who knows they can do better!
Steve Buscemi had the chances but couldn't convert. This world-class player left wanting.
Jon Heder refuses Los Angeles Nursing-Home's handshake. Kevin James offers a limp one with just his fingertips. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-132 (L)
The game begins and Steve Buscemi is ready! You can see unreal swagger written all over his face!
Mitchel Musso misfires from under the basket! This respected competitor searching for answers!
Sam Lerner throws it away! A pass worse than a movie actor tossing the film character!
Mitchel Musso, this solid build, gets dunked on from the right corner! Poster material!
Kevin James shakes their head! A film producer who can't believe that just happened!
Break! Steve Buscemi heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Did you know Steve Buscemi entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Steve Buscemi launches and misses! The rock isn't the burning structure, and it shows!
Jon Heder is running on pure willpower! This solid pro refusing to quit!
Jon Heder, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Occasional mental lapses when protecting the Spalding!
Steve Buscemi, this jersey-selling name, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Kevin James, this franchise guy, takes the loss hard. Hot head at the wrong moments.
Kevin James takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jon Heder doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-121 (L)
Kevin James stretches center court! Loosening up, the film producer is getting ready!
Mitchel Musso misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim the script binder at the film character!
Steve Buscemi, this solid build, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
Sam Lerner can't contain the drive! Portraying the film character is more containable!
Steve Buscemi drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a firefighter's spirit has limits!
The players head to the locker room. Mitchel Musso is sweating like a racehorse. Did you know? Mitchel Musso tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Sam Lerner gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the movie actor touch can't save that one!
Jon Heder is gassed! This legit talent bent over at half court! Injury-prone body catching up!
Jon Heder, this tweener, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
Sam Lerner, this respected competitor, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
Kevin James sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a film producer after their loaded checkbook broke!
Kevin James sits on the floor in the hallway. Sam Lerner sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I learned backstage that Sam Lerner also does movie actor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
83-127 (L)
Mitchel Musso takes the court to a standing ovation! The movie actor with the script binder is here!
Brick! Jon Heder misfires on the low block! Sometimes predictable game at the worst time!
Jon Heder coughs up the Spalding! Lack of consistency strikes again in the paint!
Sam Lerner can't stay in front! Portraying the film character doesn't build lateral quickness!
Mitchel Musso, this tweener, sits down hard on the bench! Hot head written all over his face!
The locker room. Steve Buscemi sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know Steve Buscemi plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Sam Lerner, this league veteran, fumbles the finish back to the basket! Back to the drawing board!
Mitchel Musso is running on fumes! The movie actor tank is completely empty!
Steve Buscemi commits the live-ball turnover! The fire hose would be ashamed!
Sam Lerner lets fly away from the huddle! This seasoned vet in a dark place mentally!
Kevin James looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a film producer!
Sam Lerner bites the inside of his cheek. Mitchel Musso pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-128 (L)
Jon Heder opens with a step-back three! This well-respected player making an early statement!
Air ball from Kevin James! Being a film producer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Sloppy handling by Sam Lerner! Portraying the film character is done with more finesse!
Steve Buscemi gives up the easy bucket! Easier than extinguishing the burning structure!
Jon Heder, this name that's buzzing, refuses to high-five! Occasional mental lapses hurting the chemistry!
The locker room fills up. Jon Heder has already eaten three oranges. Did you know Jon Heder plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Jon Heder with the contested bank shot on the low block! No good! Bad selection!
Jon Heder misses from fatigue! Tired arms from greenlighting the risky picture all week!
Jon Heder with the errant pass! This up-and-coming baller needs to settle down!
Mitchel Musso drops the head after another miss! Shaky emotions under pressure sapping the confidence!
Sam Lerner packs up and heads out! Packing the script binder, unpacking emotions!
Mitchel Musso punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Sam Lerner slides down the wall to the floor. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
79-123 (L)
Jon Heder steps onto the arena! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Steve Buscemi misses from the corner! From downtown is no place for the fire hose!
Sam Lerner trips up in the center circle! A movie actor never trips at work... Right?
Jon Heder watches helplessly! A film producer watching the risky picture fall off the shelf!
Kevin James picks up the second technical! This top-tier talent ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
Time to breathe. Jon Heder has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Juicy anecdote: Jon Heder was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Mitchel Musso takes a tough sky hook and it doesn't go! Occasional mental lapses in shot selection!
Steve Buscemi gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a firefighter begging the burning structure for mercy!
Sam Lerner loses the Wilson! A movie actor would never be this careless!
This elite player Kevin James can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Mitchel Musso vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the script binder reinforced with the film character!
Jon Heder looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Kevin James looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight I learned Jon Heder used to be a movie actor before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
78-123 (L)
Mitchel Musso lands the first euro-step! First blood! The movie actor strikes first!
Jon Heder misses! Even a film producer can't fix that shot!
Jon Heder with the careless pass! Greenlighting the risky picture with more care, please!
Mitchel Musso beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the film character slipping from a movie actor!
Jon Heder buries their face! Hidden from view, the film producer can't watch!
Halftime! Sam Lerner checks his stats on the board and winces. True story: Sam Lerner walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Cleveland Twin-Towers. Awkward. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Kevin James off the back iron! Hard miss, even a film producer cringes at that!
Jon Heder tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a film producer's energy for the risky picture!
Steve Buscemi tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Heavy feet in the decision-making!
Sam Lerner, this player making noise, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Sam Lerner wipes a tear! A movie actor who poured everything into the effort!
Sam Lerner bites the inside of his cheek. Jon Heder pinches the bridge of his nose. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
83-127 (L)
Kevin James, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! Immense pressure!
Sam Lerner, this all-around player, gets the separation but can't finish! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Kevin James with a wild pass that sails out! This multi-time All-Star giving it away!
Kevin James turns the head and loses the man! This guy everybody knows napping defensively!
Kevin James walks away muttering! Muttering about the risky picture under their breath!
First half is done. Steve Buscemi is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Rumor has it Steve Buscemi has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Sam Lerner misses the open look! This legit talent can't believe it! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This elite player Kevin James can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Steve Buscemi turns it over in the key! Butterfingers from this firefighter!
Jon Heder can't hide the frustration! Their loaded checkbook frustration meets the basketball frustration!
This multi-time All-Star Steve Buscemi stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this multi-time All-Star wanted.
Kevin James's gaze is cold, distant. Jon Heder's gaze is hot, angry. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
78-123 (L)
This jersey-selling name Kevin James catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Steve Buscemi fires and misses in the paint. Should have stuck with the burning structure!
This seasoned vet Sam Lerner commits the offensive foul! Turnover in the paint!
Kevin James gets posterized! A film producer framed by their loaded checkbook in the worst way!
This guy with a proven track record Sam Lerner stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Rest time. Sam Lerner isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote: Sam Lerner lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Kevin James lets fly the ball into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
Jon Heder is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a film producer would call it quits!
Kevin James passes to nobody! This max-contract guy with a head-scratching decision!
Sam Lerner fires away and kicks the stanchion! This next-level player losing composure!
Sam Lerner sits alone on the bench. This established player processing the defeat.
Jon Heder hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Steve Buscemi keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
74-118 (L)
Tip-off! Sam Lerner gets us started! Let's go!
Jon Heder fires a layup from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
Mitchel Musso gets picked! A movie actor getting the film character stolen in broad daylight!
Jon Heder gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a film producer's worst day on the job!
This reliable star Steve Buscemi throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
That's a wrap for now. Kevin James dives into the tunnel. I've been told Kevin James once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Kevin James bobbles and misses! Fumbling the pill like it's a Monday morning!
Mitchel Musso misses from fatigue! This well-respected player can't get the elevation at the buzzer!
This up-and-coming baller Jon Heder gets pickpocketed from mid-range! Sloppy handling!
Kevin James argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to greenlighting the risky picture!
Jon Heder fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the film producer gave everything!
Mitchel Musso clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Steve Buscemi fidgets with his wristband nervously. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Steve Buscemi.
Season journal
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