My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
4 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Sun Tzu. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed King Kong. The man is an amateur. A freaking amateur. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with bare hands and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-125 (L)
Hulk comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the scientist means business!
Hulk fires an alley-oop from mid-range but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Hulk commits the live-ball turnover! Their lab notebook would be ashamed!
Muhammad Ali beaten to the spot! Slower than an activist on a Monday morning!
This franchise guy King Kong slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Finally a breather. King Kong has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Fun fact: King Kong tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
King Kong, this elite player, pulls the trigger along the baseline but no luck!
This potential GOAT Hulk can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Hulk throws it away! A pass worse than a scientist tossing the hidden truth!
Sun Tzu argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to defending the frontline!
King Kong rises up past the media. This elite player not in the mood to talk.
Sun Tzu's eyes are red, jaw tight. King Kong apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
88-132 (L)
Hulk lands the first pull-up jumper! First blood! The scientist strikes first!
King Kong with the off-balance step-back three! This max-contract guy couldn't set the feet!
Sloppy handling by Muhammad Ali! Rallying the protest march is done with more finesse!
King Kong bites on the pump fake! This max-contract guy sent flying from mid-range!
King Kong takes off the towel! This max-contract guy showing occasional mental lapses!
Back in the locker room, Sun Tzu sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little secret: Sun Tzu watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Muhammad Ali can't buy a bucket! Maybe the protest march would be easier to aim!
Sun Tzu is gassed! More tired than after a full day of defending the frontline!
Sun Tzu throws it out of bounds! Like launching their service rifle into the void!
This bonafide star King Kong gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Hulk shakes hands through the pain! A scientist who respects their lab notebook and the game!
Sun Tzu kicks his towel across the floor. Muhammad Ali has already left for the locker room, alone. I learned that Sun Tzu's father was a military personnel. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-129 (L)
Opening possession for Hulk! First touch, like first touch of their lab notebook!
This reliable star King Kong with a rare miss facing the rim! Even the best stumble!
Sun Tzu with the careless pass! Defending the frontline with more care, please!
Muhammad Ali, this all-around player, fouls unnecessarily driving to the hoop! Ego the size of Texas!
This headliner King Kong throws an elbow in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
The players head in. Muhammad Ali slips on the wet tunnel floor. True story: Muhammad Ali walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Orlando Magic-Beans. Awkward. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Muhammad Ali, this solid build, gets the look but can't convert on the low block!
Muhammad Ali slows down visibly! Slower than their megaphone on low power!
Stolen from Sun Tzu! A military personnel who let it slip through their fingers!
Sun Tzu mouths off at coming out of the locker room! A military personnel venting about the frontline!
Sun Tzu, this first-ballot legend, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
Sun Tzu's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Hulk breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
80-124 (L)
King Kong, this headliner, embraces the boiling cauldron! Game on!
Sun Tzu with the ugly miss! The military personnel touch is absent tonight!
King Kong, this tweener, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
Sun Tzu beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the frontline slipping from a military personnel!
Muhammad Ali mutters to himself walking back! This living legend fighting inner demons!
Halftime whistle. Muhammad Ali flops into the first available chair. Little secret: Muhammad Ali has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
A free throw from King Kong catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Sun Tzu short-arms the shot from fatigue! This potential GOAT has nothing left!
Hulk loses the Wilson! A scientist would never be this careless!
Hulk waves off the play! The authority of a scientist in that gesture!
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the hardwood. Lessons to take from this one.
Sun Tzu stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Muhammad Ali comes back to get him. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
75-120 (L)
Muhammad Ali takes the court to a Playoff atmosphere! The activist with their megaphone is here!
Sun Tzu forces a step-back three from the left corner! This absolute legend trying too hard!
Sun Tzu loses the orange in traffic! This first-ballot legend can't afford that!
Sun Tzu, this versatile guy, gets exploited in the switch! Hot head exposed in the mismatch!
Hulk storms to the bench! This absolute legend is visibly upset!
Halftime. The doctor examines Hulk's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Fun fact: Hulk blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
This franchise cornerstone Muhammad Ali rattles it out! So close yet so far back to the basket!
King Kong goes to work but can't sustain the effort! Ego the size of Texas emptying the tank!
This first-ballot legend Muhammad Ali loses concentration and the pill with it!
Muhammad Ali, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Despite the loss, Muhammad Ali held their own with the protest march! The activist fought!
King Kong's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Hulk hides his eyes under a towel. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
87-131 (L)
And we're underway! Hulk touches the damn ball first! This certified GOAT candidate looks eager!
Hulk bricks another one! Building something awful with their lab notebook tonight!
Muhammad Ali throws it into the stands! What was that from this potential GOAT!
Muhammad Ali gets posterized! An activist framed by their megaphone in the worst way!
King Kong, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
Halftime. King Kong glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Confession: King Kong calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Air ball from Sun Tzu! Being a military personnel doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
King Kong drives a step slower than usual! Hot head in the tank!
This franchise cornerstone Hulk commits the 5-second violation! Clock management shaky emotions under pressure!
Muhammad Ali buries their face! Hidden from view, the activist can't watch!
Hulk sits alone on the bench. This undisputed superstar processing the defeat.
King Kong isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Hulk tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
78-123 (L)
King Kong, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Iron discipline from the jump!
Hulk throws up a clunker! Their lab notebook would weep at that trajectory!
King Kong throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure from the left corner!
Hulk loses the screen battle! Occasional mental lapses around the picks!
Muhammad Ali tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the activist will bounce back!
Halftime. King Kong throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little scoop: King Kong logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Hulk misses the layup! Even the hidden truth would have gone in easier!
Sun Tzu fades away but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
Turnover by Hulk! Discoverring the hidden truth requires less coordination, clearly!
Hulk throws their hands up! Like a scientist when their lab notebook breaks!
This established star King Kong shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Hulk sits on the floor in the hallway. Sun Tzu sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Tonight I learned Hulk used to be a military personnel before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
84-129 (L)
This big-name player King Kong comes out aggressive! Opens with a bucket in transition!
A thunderous slam by King Kong in transition is way off! Tough night for this multi-time All-Star!
Muhammad Ali, this versatile guy, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
Hulk can't contain the drive! Discoverring the hidden truth is more containable!
This certified bucket King Kong stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Hulk asks for an ice pack. Locker room anecdote: Hulk talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Muhammad Ali misses the open look! An activist never misses the protest march... But misses the Spalding!
Hulk is running on fumes! The scientist tank is completely empty!
King Kong, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
Sun Tzu slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military personnel hits the workbench!
Sun Tzu leaves the den with dignity! The dignity of a military personnel with their service rifle!
King Kong lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Muhammad Ali holds his in. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
77-121 (L)
Hulk steps onto the palace of hoops! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
Sun Tzu misses the open look! This potential GOAT can't believe it! Tendency to rush!
Hulk double-dribbles! Discoverring the hidden truth doesn't have that rule!
King Kong turns the head and loses the man! This world-class player napping defensively!
King Kong, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Break! Muhammad Ali grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Fun fact: Muhammad Ali failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
King Kong, this combo guard, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to rush!
Hulk grabs the shorts! This once-in-a-lifetime player is running on fumes!
King Kong with a wild pass that sails out! This established star giving it away!
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Hulk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the scientist gave everything!
Sun Tzu sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Muhammad Ali winces. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
75-119 (L)
Hulk dishes with energy from the opening whistle! This first-ballot legend locked in!
This world-class player King Kong misfires again! Sometimes predictable game could cost the team!
King Kong dishes into a dead end facing the rim! Turnover! Heavy feet!
This all-time great Hulk caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
This certified GOAT candidate Muhammad Ali hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from the right corner!
End of the second quarter. King Kong is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. They say King Kong eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Sun Tzu, this first-ballot legend, comes up empty! A deep three off target off the pick and roll!
King Kong is running on pure willpower! This established star refusing to quit!
Sun Tzu loses possession! The frontline never leaves a military personnel's hands like that!
Sun Tzu stares in disbelief! The look of a military personnel who just lost everything!
Hulk looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a scientist!
Hulk avoids the cameras like the plague. Muhammad Ali gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
King Kong, this versatile guy, takes the court! The boiling cauldron is electric!
That one wasn't even close, Muhammad Ali! Stick to rallying the protest march!
This jersey-selling name King Kong dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Muhammad Ali gets burned on the drive! Tendency to rush in lateral movement!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Well-deserved break. Muhammad Ali looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Confession: Muhammad Ali tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
This guy with rings on every finger Hulk shanks a thunderous slam from the right corner! That's uncharacteristic!
King Kong, this versatile guy, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Muhammad Ali dribbles it off their foot! Their megaphone would never betray an activist like that!
King Kong, this top-tier talent, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
King Kong, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite next-level basketball IQ effort.
Muhammad Ali refuses New York Over-Timers's handshake. Sun Tzu offers a limp one with just his fingertips. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
87-132 (L)
Sun Tzu gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a military personnel on day one!
Sun Tzu launches from deep and misses! A military personnel's range doesn't apply here!
Sun Tzu steps back carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Hulk gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the hidden truth on a rough day!
Sun Tzu slams the damn ball in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Sun Tzu asks for an ice pack. Anecdote: Sun Tzu once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Muhammad Ali dishes the basketball right into the defender's hands! Hot head!
Hulk bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a scientist after their lab notebook overtime!
Muhammad Ali with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost activist!
Muhammad Ali pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The activist in them is showing!
King Kong reflects on what could have been. Heavy feet the difference tonight.
King Kong's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Muhammad Ali breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-122 (L)
Sun Tzu begins their shift on the gym! A military personnel starting the their service rifle shift!
A deep three from Sun Tzu goes in and out! Heartbreaking off the pick and roll!
Hulk, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Ego the size of Texas in ball-handling!
Hulk gets posted up and scored on! This first-ballot legend overpowered!
King Kong gets a technical for complaining! Limited stamina on full display!
Off to the locker room. Hulk has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Hulk threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Break's over, the players take their positions.
King Kong, this versatile guy, can't finish driving to the hoop! That one stings!
Hulk labors up the court! Trudging like a scientist dragging the hidden truth!
This living legend Hulk with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
King Kong, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the team!
Hulk walks off in defeat! Even a scientist's skills couldn't save tonight!
Hulk hurls his mouthguard into the trash. King Kong keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-132 (L)
Sun Tzu sets the tone early! The military personnel came to play tonight!
King Kong rushes an and-one at the buzzer! Heavy feet creeping in!
King Kong with the backcourt violation! This big-name player under too much pressure!
Sun Tzu can't stay in front! Defending the frontline doesn't build lateral quickness!
This all-time great Hulk can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime. King Kong wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Physio's confession: King Kong purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Muhammad Ali with the contested free throw from the right corner! No good! Bad selection!
Sun Tzu is cramping up! This household name trying to shake it off! Hot head!
Muhammad Ali charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
King Kong drops the head after another miss! Heavy feet sapping the confidence!
Muhammad Ali leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as an activist after the protest march setback!
Muhammad Ali's lip is trembling. Hulk dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I learned tonight that Muhammad Ali used to be a military personnel. That explains the unique running style. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
76-120 (L)
Hulk bounces the Spalding pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Sun Tzu misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Muhammad Ali tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Shaky emotions under pressure in the decision-making!
Hulk gives up the easy bucket! Easier than discoverring the hidden truth!
Hulk, this global icon, yells at the coaching staff! Shaky emotions under pressure causing friction!
The players disappear. King Kong has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote of the day: King Kong forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Sun Tzu goes to work the Spalding into nothing! Tendency to force bad shots on full display tonight!
King Kong pulls up sluggishly! Lack of consistency catching up with this guy everybody knows!
Muhammad Ali gets the ball stripped! The protest march would have stayed in an activist's grip!
Hulk picks up the second technical! This basketball god ejected! Limited stamina!
This undisputed superstar Hulk tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Muhammad Ali pulls his cap down over his eyes. Sun Tzu doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Sun Tzu.
Season journal
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