My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Victor Wembanyama is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 224 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Hulk. The man is a scientist. Yes, you heard that right. A scientist. On a basketball court. With their lab notebook in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Hulk had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-119 (L)
Hulk takes the court to wild stands! The scientist with their lab notebook is here!
Shaquille O'Neal launches an and-one and... Airball! Heavy feet at its peak!
Stolen from Hulk! A scientist who let it slip through their fingers!
Victor Wembanyama, this walking skyscraper, can't keep up with the speed! Hot head exposed!
Victor Wembanyama, this league veteran, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Rest time. Hulk isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: Hulk tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
A euro-step from Shaquille O'Neal hits the iron! Occasional mental lapses under the spotlight!
Hulk tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a scientist's energy for the hidden truth!
This first-ballot legend Hulk with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Hulk dunks away from the huddle! This all-time great in a dark place mentally!
Victor Wembanyama, this name that's buzzing, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
Galactus whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Victor Wembanyama nods without conviction. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
85-114 (L)
Hulk lands the first double-clutch layup! First blood! The scientist strikes first!
This guy with rings on every finger Superman short-arms a scoop layup at the top of the key! Not enough lift!
Galactus, this solid build, gets called for the carry! Lack of consistency in ball-handling!
Shaquille O'Neal gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
What a play by Superman! A pull-up jumper back to the basket! This undisputed superstar is cooking!
Break. Superman collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know Superman knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Miami Heart-Attack's colors. By accident, obviously. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Hulk shoots and fires but misses everything! Lack of consistency tonight!
Hulk changes the defensive scheme! Strategic mind of a scientist!
Victor Wembanyama takes off but the legs won't cooperate! Lack of consistency catching up!
Superman walks off in defeat! Even a superhero's skills couldn't save tonight!
Superman replays the score in his head on a loop. Shaquille O'Neal tries to think about something else. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
116-100 (W)
Superman announces themselves! The superhero has arrived and the building knows it!
Victor Wembanyama buries a buzzer beater at the buzzer! This guy with a proven track record is on fire tonight!
Galactus, this swiss-army-knife type, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
Victor Wembanyama threads the needle! Beautiful assist on the low block! Unreal court vision!
Galactus uses the hesitation dribble! Unreal swagger creating separation!
End of the first half. Superman is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Superman got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Galactus, this versatile guy, takes over in transition. A devastating dunk! That's elite!
This certified GOAT candidate Hulk has the arena rocking! A Playoff atmosphere off the charts!
Victor Wembanyama penetrates the rock with patience! This next-level player trusting the system!
Superman takes off through pain, through doubt! This undisputed superstar transcending!
Victor Wembanyama, this tree of a man, celebrates the win! A victory dance! What a game!
Galactus grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Hulk applauds. I learned tonight that Galactus used to be a volunteer firefighter. That explains the unique running style. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-121 (L)
Opening possession for Superman! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Superman takes a tough buzzer beater and it doesn't go! Defense that's basically a suggestion in shot selection!
Hulk tries to be too fancy and loses the pill! Limited stamina in the decision-making!
Victor Wembanyama, this mountain of a man, gets blown by on the perimeter! Ego the size of Texas in the legs!
Shaquille O'Neal can't mask the disappointment! This hall-of-fame lock wearing it on the sleeve!
Off to the locker room. Hulk has already drained two water bottles. Did you know Hulk plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This hooper's hooper Victor Wembanyama muscles up a devastating dunk but can't get it to fall!
Galactus asks for the ball to slow the pace! This unknown gem needs air!
Galactus with a wild pass that sails out! This surprise package giving it away!
Superman pulls up angrily after the turnover! This first-ballot legend spiraling!
This dude putting the league on notice Victor Wembanyama congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this dude putting the league on notice.
Superman walks head down toward the tunnel. Shaquille O'Neal drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. I got a text from Superman after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
109-111 (L)
Victor Wembanyama fires away into position! This established player not wasting any time!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama capitalizes along the baseline! A pull-up jumper with next-level basketball IQ!
Victor Wembanyama bites on the pump fake! This up-and-coming baller sent flying off the pick and roll!
Hulk, this combo guard, gets stuffed trying a tear drop! Denied!
Shaquille O'Neal lets fly with desperation and skill! This global icon not done yet!
Halftime! Hulk is limping slightly heading off the court. Fun fact: Hulk is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Shaquille O'Neal misses in the clutch! A buzzer beater off the mark in overtime!
Victor Wembanyama, this well-respected player, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
This legit talent Victor Wembanyama with a performance for the ages! A moment of truth chapter!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal can't deliver when it matters! Heavy feet under pressure!
Shaquille O'Neal sits alone on the bench. This global icon processing the defeat.
Shaquille O'Neal walks head down toward the tunnel. Superman drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Tonight I had a revelation: Superman runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
102-104 (L)
Superman steps onto the field house! From competing the game to this, game time!
The crowd erupts as Superman nails a step-back three! A superhero on fire at the court!
Galactus lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this dude out of nowhere fooled!
Superman misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, drills the momentum shot! The building believes!
Heading in. Galactus's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know? Galactus once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Hulk called for the travel at the buzzer! Walking away from the hidden truth shame!
Shaquille O'Neal storms to the bench! This living legend is visibly upset!
The transformation of Victor Wembanyama is complete! This solid pro has arrived!
Hulk sends the free throw long! Overcooked it, the scientist touch is off tonight!
Victor Wembanyama, this name that's buzzing, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Victor Wembanyama takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Galactus follows the same path. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
100-96 (W)
This living legend Hulk comes out firing! A free throw in the first minute!
Superman with the denial defense! This global icon not giving an inch!
Superman just barely misses! Close as a superhero getting the game almost right!
A bank shot by Victor Wembanyama! The building is rocking! This player making noise takeover!
Victor Wembanyama dunks the ball out of the trap! Next-level basketball IQ under pressure!
Heading in. Galactus's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Fun fact: Galactus failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Victor Wembanyama, this beanpole, blocks the go-ahead attempt! On the decisive possession an iron-wall defense!
Shaquille O'Neal jumps into the passing lane! A monster swat! Huge play!
An incredible energy fills the arena! This well-respected player Victor Wembanyama feeds off the energy!
Hulk embraces the moment! A reverse layup in the money time! That's why he's here!
Victor Wembanyama can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Hulk hugs the mascot. Superman hugs the referee. Awkward. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
89-109 (L)
This who-is-this-guy player Galactus means business! Fast start along the baseline!
This surprise package Galactus throws up a prayer back to the basket! Not answered!
Shaquille O'Neal steps back carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Galactus, this solid build, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!
Victor Wembanyama with the smooth pull-up jumper! This seasoned vet making it look easy!
Halftime. Victor Wembanyama is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. I've been told Victor Wembanyama once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Hulk looks to the heavens! A scientist praying for their lab notebook to work!
A reverse layup from Galactus catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This raw talent Galactus uses the floater over this do-it-all player coverage! Smart!
Victor Wembanyama is gassed! This next-level player bent over at half court! Limited stamina catching up!
This certified GOAT candidate Superman shakes hands and moves on. In the end, ego the size of Texas proved costly.
Hulk's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Shaquille O'Neal hides his eyes under a towel. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
106-108 (L)
Game time! Superman and this once-in-a-lifetime player ready to put on a show at the den!
This hungry young player Galactus finishes with authority! A pull-up jumper at the buzzer!
Superman bites on the fake! Fooled like a superhero by counterfeit the game!
Galactus blows past the leather into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!
Galactus hits in transition! The crowd is back in it! Game on!
Break! Galactus rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Little scoop: Galactus tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Victor Wembanyama, this player making noise, air-balls in the fourth quarter! The crowd is stunned!
Victor Wembanyama picks up the second technical! This respected competitor ejected! Heavy feet!
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal plays every possession like the last! Night-in night-out consistency burning bright!
Hulk fumbles the inbound! Monday morning vibes from this scientist!
Victor Wembanyama had the chances but couldn't convert. This hooper's hooper left wanting.
Victor Wembanyama sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Shaquille O'Neal puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Evening confession: I'm wearing Victor Wembanyama's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
100-104 (L)
This generational talent Superman in the starting lineup! Let's see what this generational talent brings!
Galactus with an incredible double-clutch layup from way beyond the arc! Standing ovation!
This first-ballot legend Shaquille O'Neal bites on the fake! Beaten in transition!
This rising star Galactus misfires again! Ego the size of Texas could cost the team!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal ignites the rally! The deficit is shrinking!
Break. Galactus asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Word is Galactus sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Victor Wembanyama dribbles into a dead end! Injury-prone body in late-game situations!
Victor Wembanyama, this long boy, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
The legend of Victor Wembanyama grows! This well-respected player adding another chapter facing the rim!
Superman misses the game-tying shot! Even a superhero couldn't save that one!
Shaquille O'Neal reflects on what could have been. Tendency to rush the difference tonight.
Shaquille O'Neal isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Victor Wembanyama tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
74-118 (L)
And we're underway! Shaquille O'Neal touches the basketball first! This undisputed superstar looks eager!
Victor Wembanyama fires a catch-and-shoot triple from the right corner but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
Victor Wembanyama goes to work the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this established player!
Galactus gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Victor Wembanyama spins and kicks the stanchion! This up-and-coming baller losing composure!
Off to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal has already drained two water bottles. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This hidden prospect Galactus shanks a pull-up jumper under the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
Superman is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Hulk with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the hidden truth!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal fouls hard out of frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Galactus, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a killer instinct effort.
Shaquille O'Neal takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Victor Wembanyama doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
87-131 (L)
Tip-off! Victor Wembanyama gets us started! Let's go!
Superman pulls up but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
This up-and-coming baller Victor Wembanyama dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Galactus gets crossed over! This hidden prospect left frozen at the top of the key!
Galactus posts up the towel! This rising star showing hot head!
Cut! Halftime. Hulk's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Anecdote of the day: Hulk forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Galactus forces a deep three under the basket! This potential breakout star trying too hard!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal can barely jump! The springs are gone in the paint!
Galactus, this do-it-all player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
Victor Wembanyama slams the Wilson in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Superman hangs their head! A superhero who gave everything they had!
Galactus walks toward the tunnel without a word. Shaquille O'Neal stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
95-130 (L)
Victor Wembanyama blows past with energy from the opening whistle! This dude putting the league on notice locked in!
Victor Wembanyama, this player making noise, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
This living legend Hulk forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Hulk overcommits! Going all-in like a scientist on the hidden truth, but wrong!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mammoth, waves off the play call! Limited stamina hurting the team!
Finally a breather. Shaquille O'Neal has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know? Shaquille O'Neal has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Hulk air-mails a finger roll driving to the hoop! Way off for this guy with rings on every finger!
Hulk slows down visibly! Slower than their lab notebook on low power!
Hulk loses the basketball! A scientist would never be this careless!
Victor Wembanyama, this beanpole, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Galactus turns back to look at the court one last time. Superman doesn't turn around. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-118 (L)
Superman, this guy with rings on every finger, draws first blood! A bank shot to start!
Superman, this living legend, with a contested fadeaway jumper that misses at the buzzer!
Victor Wembanyama passes to nobody! This dude putting the league on notice with a head-scratching decision!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tower, gets dunked on off the pick and roll! Poster material!
Victor Wembanyama, this player making noise, refuses to high-five! Hot head hurting the chemistry!
Halftime whistle! Superman slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Superman threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Hulk sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this scientist!
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal stumbles! The fatigue is real after the 4 periods of 12 minutes!
Hulk with the careless pass! Discoverring the hidden truth with more care, please!
Shaquille O'Neal mutters to himself walking back! This guy with rings on every finger fighting inner demons!
Superman wipes a tear! A superhero who poured everything into the effort!
Galactus scratches the back of his neck nervously. Hulk has the look of someone who has seen things. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
94-126 (L)
Superman opens with a fadeaway jumper! This generational talent making an early statement!
Shaquille O'Neal, this titan, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to rush!
Galactus coughs up the rock! Hot head strikes again from the left corner!
Victor Wembanyama gets posted up and scored on! This dude putting the league on notice overpowered!
Victor Wembanyama lets fly and it's a floater! This seasoned vet proving the doubters wrong!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Shaquille O'Neal asks for an ice pack. Little scoop: Shaquille O'Neal tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Hulk stares in disbelief! The look of a scientist who just lost everything!
Superman clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Superman calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's superhero mentality!
Victor Wembanyama goes to work a step slower than usual! Tendency to rush in the tank!
Hulk shakes hands through the pain! A scientist who respects their lab notebook and the game!
Hulk shakes Shaquille O'Neal's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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