My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Michael Jordan. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 198 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Homer Simpson is on this team. Homer Simpson, who is a farmer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with seed dibber under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget? Astronomical. The owner said "let's go" and signed the check without even looking at the number. We're deep into the luxury tax, every dollar over the threshold costs triple, and the accountant has nightmares every single night. But when you've got two superstars, a fifteen-man roster where the weakest link would start elsewhere, and a coaching staff paid in gold, you don't give a damn about the bill. It's championship or bust, and they've chosen their side.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
107-118 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Tacko Fall means business! Fast start from the right corner!
Tacko Fall can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this newcomer!
Kobe Bryant throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure back to the basket!
Michael Jordan turns the head and loses the man! This absolute legend napping defensively!
Stephen Curry dunks past everyone for a sky hook! This do-it-all player on a mission!
Halftime whistle. Kobe Bryant flops into the first available chair. Intel: Kobe Bryant refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Michael Jordan gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Michael Jordan blows past but overcooks it! Heavy feet showing up again!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, manages the clock beautifully in the final quarter!
Homer Simpson gulps water! As thirsty as a farmer reaching for the stubborn soil!
Tacko Fall, this diamond in the rough, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Tacko Fall and Michael Jordan walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
106-94 (W)
The game begins and Stephen Curry is ready! You can see a killer instinct written all over his face!
Michael Jordan knocks down a sky hook at the buzzer! Ice in the veins!
Homer Simpson with the denial defense! This household name not giving an inch!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry finds the open man! Assist and a buzzer beater!
Stephen Curry spins into the right spacing! An unmatched feel for the game and elite court awareness!
Off to the locker room. Michael Jordan has already drained two water bottles. Did you know? Michael Jordan launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Stephen Curry, this solid build, uses strength and skill for a tear drop! Complete player!
Tacko Fall, this surprise package, waves the crowd up! A standing ovation rising!
This established star Stephen Curry dives for the loose ball! A gym-rat work ethic on every play!
The stadium knows it! Kobe Bryant is special! This once-in-a-lifetime player writing legacy!
Homer Simpson punches the air at game's end! Victory! The farmer did it!
Michael Jordan climbs onto the scorer's table. Tacko Fall joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
107-117 (L)
Tacko Fall, this little firecracker, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
Stephen Curry can't buy a bucket! Another miss under the basket! Frustrating!
Kobe Bryant, this 7-footer, gets stripped from the right corner! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Tacko Fall reacts too late to rotate! Occasional mental lapses on the help side!
Homer Simpson adds to the total! A farmer who always exceeds expectations!
Intermission. Michael Jordan dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Small detail: Michael Jordan whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan fouls hard out of frustration! Hot head showing!
Brick! Kobe Bryant misfires driving to the hoop! Hot head at the worst time!
Tacko Fall spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Stephen Curry is running on pure willpower! This big-name player refusing to quit!
This generational talent Michael Jordan tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Tacko Fall hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Homer Simpson keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
123-102 (W)
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, announced to huge cheers! Immense pressure!
Kobe Bryant with the tough pull-up jumper through contact! This all-time great won't be denied!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, swats it into the third row! A clutch steal!
This headliner Stephen Curry orchestrates the offense on the low block! Maestro!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Halftime whistle! Kobe Bryant grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Kobe Bryant plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Tacko Fall drives the ball beautifully for a floater! What touch!
Post-game fireworks for Homer Simpson! Brighter than the seed dibber on a perfect day!
Homer Simpson pulls up the pill with patience! This potential GOAT trusting the system!
The legend of Tacko Fall grows! This total unknown adding another chapter from way beyond the arc!
That's the game! Kobe Bryant finishes with a monster performance! This certified GOAT candidate victorious!
Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant form a tunnel for Homer Simpson to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. Behind the scenes, I learned Homer Simpson was also a farmer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
117-97 (W)
Tacko Fall takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Michael Jordan steps back and fires a bucket! This giant lighting it up!
Stephen Curry with the help-side sky-high block! This world-class player always in position!
Homer Simpson with the kick-out pass! Kicking the offense into gear, farmer style!
This household name Kobe Bryant recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry high-fives his teammates on the way out. Little secret: Stephen Curry has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan with a vintage finger roll! The old magic is still there!
You can feel a sold-out gym on fire through the screen! Tacko Fall in the spotlight!
Kobe Bryant, this long boy, repositions on defense! Ridiculous creativity collective effort!
Michael Jordan, this big fella, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this absolute legend right now!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant freestyle a victory rap. Stephen Curry does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
93-113 (L)
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry opens the scoring! A pull-up jumper! Early advantage!
Homer Simpson launches a devastating dunk and... Airball! Ego the size of Texas at its peak!
This guy nobody was talking about Tacko Fall commits the offensive foul! Turnover facing the rim!
Kobe Bryant gets burned on the drive! Heavy feet in lateral movement!
This all-time great Michael Jordan converts from the left corner! A bank shot right on cue!
Rest. Stephen Curry buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know Stephen Curry plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Stephen Curry posts up and kicks the stanchion! This world-class player losing composure!
Kobe Bryant, this walking skyscraper, can't finish from mid-range! That one stings!
Michael Jordan sets the screen at the perfect angle! This household name cerebral play!
This all-time great Kobe Bryant has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Michael Jordan walks off in silence. This potential GOAT gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Stephen Curry claps his hands in frustration. Tacko Fall clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
103-105 (L)
Tacko Fall opens with a scoop layup! This total unknown making an early statement!
Homer Simpson converts a tough off-balance shot facing the rim! Skill level: elite!
This total unknown Tacko Fall gives up the offensive rebound! Limited stamina when boxing out!
Tacko Fall posts up the rock awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this potential breakout star!
Tacko Fall, this little guy, blocks the shot and starts the break! Comeback!
Back to the locker room. Homer Simpson's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Fun fact: Homer Simpson was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
This dude out of nowhere Tacko Fall with the clutch-time breakdown! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Stephen Curry mutters to himself walking back! This world-class player fighting inner demons!
This player nobody saw coming Tacko Fall with a performance for the ages! A world-class move chapter!
This living legend Homer Simpson fouls in the clutch! Hot head showing late!
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this first-ballot legend wanted.
Tacko Fall kicks his towel across the floor. Michael Jordan has already left for the locker room, alone. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
107-91 (W)
This hungry young player Tacko Fall comes out aggressive! Opens with a pull-up jumper driving to the hoop!
Kobe Bryant scores with night-in night-out consistency. A half-court heave under the basket! Too smooth!
Homer Simpson contests every shot! Relentless as a farmer with the stubborn soil!
Kobe Bryant with the no-look pass! This potential GOAT has eyes in the back of the head!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Back to the locker room. Tacko Fall's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Physio's confession: Tacko Fall purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
What a play by Homer Simpson! A tear drop in transition! This generational talent is cooking!
What a standing ovation! Kobe Bryant and the fans creating a spectacle!
Tacko Fall finds the open teammate! This dude out of nowhere making everyone better!
Homer Simpson proves that cultivating the stubborn soil builds character for the venue!
This all-time great Homer Simpson wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Kobe Bryant and Stephen Curry slap each other's butts. Michael Jordan declines the invitation. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
99-119 (L)
Michael Jordan, this household name, embraces the crowd fully behind them! Game on!
Stephen Curry fires a euro-step from the left corner but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Michael Jordan, this big fella, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted facing the rim!
Homer Simpson can't stay in front! Cultivating the stubborn soil doesn't build lateral quickness!
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant with a cold-blooded two-handed slam! No conscience!
The players disappear. Stephen Curry has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Little scoop: Stephen Curry logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Kobe Bryant slams the Spalding in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Michael Jordan misfires off the pick and roll! Even this hall-of-fame lock has off nights!
Michael Jordan slows the pace when the team needs it! This hall-of-fame lock tempo control!
Michael Jordan, this global icon, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
This guy with rings on every finger Kobe Bryant shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to force bad shots proved costly.
Tacko Fall scratches the back of his neck nervously. Michael Jordan has the look of someone who has seen things. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-118 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kobe Bryant catches the ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Tacko Fall rises up but it's well off! Hot head under fatigue!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
Stephen Curry scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Injury-prone body!
Kobe Bryant glares at the scoreboard! This guy with rings on every finger not happy with the situation!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Homer Simpson asks for an ice pack. Did you know Homer Simpson plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Kobe Bryant steps back the ball right into the defender's hands! Limited stamina!
Stephen Curry is gassed! This guy everybody knows bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Homer Simpson, this tweener, gets the ball poked away! Shaky emotions under pressure when protecting the orange!
Tacko Fall storms to the bench! This dude out of nowhere is visibly upset!
Tacko Fall had the chances but couldn't convert. This dude out of nowhere left wanting.
Stephen Curry walks head down toward the tunnel. Tacko Fall drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
119-105 (W)
Tip-off! Michael Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
Michael Jordan with the and-one alley-oop! Insane court vision through the whistle!
Kobe Bryant plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this franchise cornerstone!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Iron discipline!
Kobe Bryant pushes the pace in transition! Silky smooth technique showing in every play!
Into the tunnel. Michael Jordan grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Michael Jordan failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Michael Jordan, this once-in-a-lifetime player, absolutely nails a buzzer-beater at the top of the key! Take a bow!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, gets the standing ovation! A standing ovation!
Homer Simpson provides the spark! Electric energy, the farmer is firing on all cylinders!
The farmer identity fuels Homer Simpson. The seed dibber taught them everything about pressure!
Kobe Bryant, this first-ballot legend, embraces the teammates! A primal scream! Sweet victory!
Stephen Curry makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Homer Simpson makes a bigger heart. Kobe Bryant makes a massive heart. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-113 (L)
Kobe Bryant posts up with energy from the opening whistle! This absolute legend locked in!
This generational talent Michael Jordan muscles up a finger roll but can't get it to fall!
Kobe Bryant with a wild pass that sails out! This certified GOAT candidate giving it away!
This global icon Michael Jordan caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Stephen Curry, this guy everybody knows, knifes through for a bucket under the basket! Wow!
Halftime. Tacko Fall's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Quick anecdote about Tacko Fall: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We're back! The players look fired up.
This diamond in the rough Tacko Fall can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, comes up empty! A hook shot off target in the paint!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan sets the back screen! Eyes in the back of the head off-ball contribution!
This global icon Homer Simpson signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Occasional mental lapses!
Stephen Curry reflects on what could have been. Sometimes predictable game the difference tonight.
Stephen Curry clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Tacko Fall fidgets with his wristband nervously. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
106-110 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this all-time great, draws first blood! A buzzer beater to start!
Michael Jordan rises up the Spalding into a buzzer-beater! Freakish explosiveness shining through!
Stephen Curry gets crossed over! This max-contract guy left frozen in the paint!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this big-name player!
Kobe Bryant forces the turnover! This first-ballot legend creating opportunities on both ends!
Halftime whistle! Kobe Bryant slides down against the hallway wall. Confession: Kobe Bryant believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
This dude out of nowhere Tacko Fall gets called for the charge in the money time! Brutal!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
From the seed dibber shifts to the four quarters on the arena,Homer Simpson does it all!
Homer Simpson can't deliver! Even a farmer can't help in this the first quarter!
This household name Kobe Bryant congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this household name.
Stephen Curry mutters 'damn' under his breath. Kobe Bryant says 'yeah' in the same tone. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-127 (L)
Tacko Fall spins into position! This dark horse not wasting any time!
Homer Simpson misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
This absolute legend Michael Jordan loses concentration and the Spalding with it!
Tacko Fall, this pint-sized baller, gets blown by on the perimeter! Heavy feet in the legs!
Michael Jordan, this once-in-a-lifetime player, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Homer Simpson to massage his thighs. Fun fact: Homer Simpson got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Stephen Curry, this solid build, gets the look but can't convert driving to the hoop!
This player nobody saw coming Tacko Fall is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Tacko Fall tries to be too fancy and loses the leather! Heavy feet in the decision-making!
This headliner Stephen Curry gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Michael Jordan, this hall-of-fame lock, takes the loss hard. Occasional mental lapses at the wrong moments.
Kobe Bryant refuses San Antonio Skyscrapers's handshake. Tacko Fall offers a limp one with just his fingertips. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-113 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this undisputed superstar, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Kobe Bryant forces a fadeaway jumper driving to the hoop! This living legend trying too hard!
Tacko Fall rises up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Homer Simpson beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the stubborn soil slipping from a farmer!
An and-one by Michael Jordan! The building is rocking! This absolute legend takeover!
End of the first act. Tacko Fall is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Staff confession: Tacko Fall is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Kobe Bryant picks up the second technical! This certified GOAT candidate ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Tacko Fall drives the Wilson into the front rim! That's frustrating for this unknown gem!
Kobe Bryant, this first-ballot legend, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Stephen Curry, this bonafide star, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Stephen Curry sits alone on the bench. This All-Star caliber talent processing the defeat.
Tacko Fall slams his fist on the bench. Stephen Curry places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
My Team finishes #12 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season journal
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