My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

0-1 (L)

Beautiful distribution from Spider-Man to Shrek, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Shrek cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Instinctive clearance from Shrek who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Frozone whips in a cross at head height, Zeus anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. The cross from Zeus is miles away from Hulk, completely off the mark. Sonic the Hedgehog absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Sonic the Hedgehog lays it off first time to Galactus, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The one-two between Galactus and Zeus blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. No question about that one, Galactus was clearly offside when Megatron released the pass. Spider-Man goes long for Gru, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Huge interception from Gru! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match.

Free kick played short, Frozone to Gru, they bypass the wall with the combination. Rapid combination: Gru to Zeus, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Zeus looks up and swings in a floated cross, Juggernaut rises among the defenders. Spider-Man blocks the shot with an authoritative hand! No goal, the keeper is watching everything.

Kratos and Frozone combine on the corner, neat little one-two at the flag. Frozone plays it simple to Megatron, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Megatron tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Shrek pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. You'll love this — Galactus, all 180 of him, has an irrational fear of roundabouts. Not on the pitch, mind you — actual road roundabouts. His teammate has to drive him to training because the Magic Roundabout in Swindon gave him nightmares. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' The second period begins and Shrek launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Kratos gives it to Frozone and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, Kratos is away. Cut-back along the deck from Kratos, Frozone pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. The superhero tips the strike around the post. In that position, when you have that level of reflexes, you are untouchable. Monster clearance from Spider-Man, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Hulk. The scientist gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level.

Quick one-two between Hulk and Kratos, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The warrior slides a perfect cut-back for Hulk in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. BLOCKED by the defender! Hulk was unlucky there, good shot but even better block. Hulk clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. The warrior loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly.

They're starting to suffocate the opposition with their pressing. The press is suffocating, the opposition can't play out cleanly at all! The vigilante wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. Body feint from Gru, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

The superhero puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that. Massive punt from Spider-Man, sends the ball sixty yards, Sonic the Hedgehog is scrapping for it up top. Sonic the Hedgehog dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Frozone drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Galactus. Galactus launches into an acrobatic volley, stunning to watch but it flies over. Spider-Man fires it out quickly by hand to Juggernaut, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Gutting. Megatron throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Frozone picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

They've nicked a goal! México No-Era-Penal catch us cold on the break.

Spider-Man and Megatron do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Spider-Man arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Frozone trips the attacker on the break. He'll take that trade every single time. Yellow card for Frozone, he stood on the ball carrier's foot to kill the counter. Sneaky. GOOOOOAL! Frozone places the ball at 25 yards and fires a peach over the wall. The keeper bows!

Frozone stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Gru comes over and hugs him without a word.

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Delicate lob from Frozone, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Three-man routine: Frozone, Kratos and Spider-Man do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Spider-Man opts for the short option to Kratos, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Kratos sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Frozone. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. The player finds Hulk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Hulk eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical.

Stunning tackle by Hulk in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Hulk finds Zeus between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Smooth transition from Zeus to Hulk, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Good run from Hulk who crosses to the near post for Megatron. The defender is beaten to it. Megatron tries to whip one in but it is cleared by a defender who read it all the way. Tough luck.

The gaffer pulls up México No-Era-Penal's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Spider-Man, you have the pace. Galactus, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Now Gru has confessed — and this is genuine — that he cried during the final episode of Bake Off last year. Full tears. Soggy bottom and everything. The dressing room hasn't let him forget it, but at 180, nobody says it to his face. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' Sonic the Hedgehog is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Corner from Kratos, straight into the mixer! It's a right old scramble, a defender clears off the line! Juggernaut lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

Gru rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Hulk. The far side is completely deserted. The scientist shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well.

Brilliant interception from Juggernaut, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Spider-Man unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Megatron makes a heart sign with his hands. Spider-Man finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Wasted cross from the player, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Kratos spreads it to Galactus, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Galactus gives it to Gru into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Frozone. Pure quality, as per usual. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross.

Short free kick played by Gru, Sonic the Hedgehog receives at the edge of the box after the one-two. The player plays it simple to Shrek, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Level score. Shrek screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Galactus boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Zeus to Juggernaut, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Juggernaut gifts Galactus a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. What a CANNONBALL from Galactus! The keeper was well positioned but that strike was UNSTOPPABLE.

Knee slide from Zeus right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Sonic the Hedgehog does the same down the line. Spider-Man turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

The player switches the play to Sonic the Hedgehog, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Overlap and cross from Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball drops at the feet of Megatron in the heart of the box. Enormous leap from the warlord who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

GOAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Spider-Man ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Hulk leaps over him. Spider-Man walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Kratos sends the free kick in front of goal, Shrek leaps to try the header. Corner from Shrek, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! The scientist fires but a defender dives in and blocks. In that position, keep shooting, the next one will get through. Clearance from Megatron under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

The corner from Kratos is headed away by the defence at the near post. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. The overlap from Sonic the Hedgehog, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead.

Kratos is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Kratos: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Shrek once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 28, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Hulk comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Great vision from Hulk who switches to Shrek. The defence pivots, but they are too late. The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Shrek launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. The vigilante dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire.

Change of flanks from Zeus, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Frozone. Frozone hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Frozone rolls it to Kratos, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Short pass from the warrior to Gru, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The vigilante bounces off Galactus for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better.

The player plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Hulk sets it for Gru, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Gru lofts a cross into the box, Shrek is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Outrageous stop from Spider-Man! The striker thought it was in but the keeper said NOPE.

Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Royal interception from Megatron! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. The warlord boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

Acceleration from Frozone down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. The player is fouled in the box, PENALTY! In that position, winning a penalty is a DEADLY weapon. The referee points to the spot, the tension is ELECTRIC. Penalty missed by Frozone! The ball goes right of the goal, he's got it all wrong.

Shrek plays off Sonic the Hedgehog, the return arrives right down the middle and Shrek is free as a bird. The player was beyond the last man when Megatron played it. Clear offside. Spider-Man distributes short to Gru, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The vigilante lays it off first time to Kratos, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Kratos nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy.

A draw — that grey zone. Sonic the Hedgehog signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Galactus adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

Quick exchange between Juggernaut and Gru, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Gru beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. What a GOAL from Gru! On the cross from Sonic the Hedgehog, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

The warrior sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. No luck for Kratos, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere.

The superhero strings together skill moves and humiliates the defender. It is rare to see that much flair in that position. Zeus bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Good delivery from Zeus off the left flank, Sonic the Hedgehog positions himself between the two centre-halves.

Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Shrek makes a mess of a simple pass to Frozone, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition. The warrior slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Kratos covers the ground in a few strides, leaving everyone behind him. What a run. JUST WIIIIIDE from Kratos! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Hulk pings a long diagonal to Galactus, completely shifts the point of attack. Galactus floats it into the gap for Juggernaut, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Juggernaut powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Cut-back along the ground from Juggernaut on the right, Megatron picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Juggernaut is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Galactus and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. At age 9, Spider-Man entered a school talent show dressed as Mr Blobby and fell off the stage into the headteacher's lap. Now 28, the footage resurfaces every Christmas without fail. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Kratos is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Perfectly executed challenge by Hulk, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Hulk clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

They suffocate the first pass, the opposition goes long and loses it. Frozone swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Key pass from Frozone! It fizzes between the lines and Megatron collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Megatron goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner.

The superhero finds Kratos with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Kratos changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Zeus. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Zeus forces a pass to Shrek who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. The player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Spider-Man plays out from the back with Galactus, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. The player opens up to Gru on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Gru spots Zeus peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. The superhero pulls it back along the ground for Kratos. The low cut-back is his trademark. Superb tackle from the warrior, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night.

Lay-off from the superhero for Galactus on the penalty spot. That kind of game reading separates the good from the great. Miss of the season from Galactus! Sonic the Hedgehog serves him a peach and he puts it into row Z. You are dreaming. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

That's what it MEANS! Juggernaut rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Hulk catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Dakar Teranga FC are done. Absolutely done. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Great overlap from Zeus down the flank, pinpoint cross for Shrek in the area. This is the moment. NOOOOOO! Shrek puts it in the back of his OWN net! He tried to clear the ball but it ends up in his own goal. His keeper stares at him in DISBELIEF, this is an absolute NIGHTMARE.

Zeus unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Spider-Man makes a heart sign with his hands. Spider-Man finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Zeus explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Failed dribble from the superhero, the defender recovers. It happens, but in that role you expect better decision-making. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Oh that's terrible! Douala Makossa-Corner score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Spider-Man ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Megatron leaps over him. Spider-Man walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Spider-Man rolls it short to Gru into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Crossfield pass from Gru to Sonic the Hedgehog, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Sonic the Hedgehog slides it to Galactus, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Shrek embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. The player goes to ground but the attacker just breezes past. In that position, you've got to stay on your feet longer before committing. Zeus takes one for the team. He trips the attacker clean through, last defender, and it's a red card.

Kratos stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Douala Makossa-Corner. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Zeus cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. A lovely bit of trivia here — Frozone once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 28 at the time. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Gru sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Short restart from the superhero to Frozone, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Frozone wins the header and flicks it on for Kratos. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. The superhero finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Hulk clean through. Pure genius from that position. The scientist is caught offside from Galactus's through ball. Flag goes up.

Spider-Man boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Juggernaut! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Juggernaut is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. Spider-Man comes off his line and claims the high ball. The fans love it, that is proper authority. Good ball from the player to Juggernaut, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. One touch football: Juggernaut to Megatron, faster than the opposition can think.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Spider-Man flings himself at the feet and gathers! Brave goalkeeping, the keeper sacrificed everything to save his side. The scientist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Brilliant tackle from Galactus! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Gru unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner. Corner cleared by the defence, the vigilante was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations.

Sonic the Hedgehog picks out Zeus with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Zeus sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Zeus feeds Kratos in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Low pull-back from Kratos across the turf, Shrek controls and shoots in one movement. The superhero produces a monster save! In that position, a save like that is worth a goal. He is the last line and he has held firm.

Full time and it's level. Gru stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Zeus grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Kratos produces a showpiece dribble, a roulette followed by a sharp cut. It is a magic trick. MAJESTIC GOAL from Kratos! He dribbles past half the opposition team and sends the ball into the net. UNFORGETTABLE!

Full moonwalk from Kratos, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Zeus does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Spider-Man applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Frozone crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Zeus is in the right place. Header from the superhero, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. Almighty boot from Shrek who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

They've scored! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Spider-Man and Hulk do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Spider-Man arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Galactus hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Spider-Man takes his time and plays it short to Shrek. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Raking ball from the player to Galactus, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Galactus slips Shrek in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Zeus gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Zeus lays it off inside the box for Kratos, the defensive block is completely shattered. The warrior has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Juggernaut reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Hulk cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Dietitians have given up on Spider-Man, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 28 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Spider-Man comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Free kick conceded by Gru, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The vigilante dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. Feint from Galactus, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. SHOOOOT from Galactus... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Spider-Man smashes a volley towards Juggernaut, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Juggernaut loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. The superhero plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Good ball from the player to Megatron, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The player trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Free kick from Frozone and it sails over the bar. Not even close, that.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

Hulk shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Short build-up from Hulk to Frozone, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Pass into space from Frozone for Galactus, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference.

Clearance from the superhero towards Zeus, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Galactus, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Galactus clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Megatron gets across the near post first.

Shared match. Megatron walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Spider-Man does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

Sonic the Hedgehog presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Megatron. That is exactly why he is out there. GOOOAL! Megatron unleashes a cannonball that ends its run in the back of the net. The bar shook!

Sonic the Hedgehog finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Megatron plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

And it's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Shrek nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. Through ball from the player for Juggernaut, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. GOOOOOAL! Juggernaut was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Shrek places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Zeus falls to his knees bowing. Spider-Man does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

The superhero plays it simple to Kratos, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The warrior plays it simple to Galactus, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Cross from Galactus off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Megatron at the far side. Megatron powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Hulk steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Hulk picks up a booking for persistent fouling. Took long enough, frankly. Hulk's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Driven kick from Spider-Man to Gru, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Gru gets shifted. Hulk drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. A delightful detail about Gru — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 66 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' They are back. Spider-Man salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

SCRAMBLE after the warrior's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. Megatron boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. One laser pass from Shrek and the entire defence is eliminated, Hulk is through on goal. The space is enormous. Hulk makes the run but he's gone too soon. Zeus's pass comes a split second late.

It's in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Spider-Man hoofs it forward towards Sonic the Hedgehog, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Interception from Sonic the Hedgehog who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Sonic the Hedgehog. Good ball from Sonic the Hedgehog to Hulk, playing it quick between the lines. Hulk links up with Zeus, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

Short distribution from Spider-Man to Kratos, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Firm pass from Kratos into Zeus, right into the boots. No waste. Overlap from the superhero with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Zeus chips a cross over everyone, Kratos finds himself alone behind the defence.

Spider-Man catapults the ball towards Shrek from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Lay-off from Shrek to Galactus, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Effort from Frozone that flies into the stands! The keeper didn't even pretend to move.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Overlap from Gru with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Poor cross from Gru, the ball sails three yards over the head of Juggernaut. Wasteful. The superhero goes long for Hulk, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Hulk looks up and launches a long pass towards Juggernaut. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Megatron sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Zeus reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Zeus. Megatron almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Galactus intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. The player cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Sonic the Hedgehog. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Sonic the Hedgehog was THERE, as always! On the badly cleared ball, he prods it in and signs his trademark. GOAL!

Quick throw from Spider-Man to Shrek out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Shrek tries a crossfield ball to Megatron but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Big clearance from Kratos under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

The player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Little shift from Galactus to Gru, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Gru finds Shrek in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Error from the player, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them.

High recovery from Kratos! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Ball in behind from the warrior, Shrek is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Shrek tries to find Kratos but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Gru intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Massive clearance from the vigilante under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Juggernaut heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Spider-Man has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Galactus from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. A delightful detail about Shrek — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 28 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' Second half underway and Spider-Man is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Hulk plays firefighter, sprints back to put out the defensive blaze at full speed. Nasty little foul from Hulk, he takes out the legs from under the runner. Booking for Hulk. He took one for the team, fouling early to prevent the overload. Hulk takes his free kick and the wall does its job. Blocked, no worries. The player puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Zeus decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Zeus slides in from behind on the attacker, that is cynical and dangerous in equal measure. Yellow card for Zeus, that elbow was out and the referee spotted it immediately. Nice combination started by the superhero from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball.

Superb defensive work from Megatron there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! The warlord lays it off first time to Galactus, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Superb diagonal from the player to Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Gru. Pure quality, as per usual. Right-footed cross from Gru, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Hulk. Hulk crosses and it takes a deflection off the defender's shin. Ball goes out for a throw. Enormous clearance from Kratos inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show.

Gru unleashes a raking ball out to Zeus, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Wasteful from Zeus on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Gru throws his arms up in frustration. Megatron launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Raking ball from the warlord to Shrek, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Full time, full joy! Hulk walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Spider-Man carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Montevideo Garra-Charrúan are yesterday's news. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-3 (L)

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Spider-Man mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Gru plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Spider-Man applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The scientist goes for the tackle and misses the lot. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. The referee points to the SPOT! Penalty for Frozone! The defender committed the foul in the box, there is ZERO doubt. The pressure is at MAXIMUM! BOOOM the player sends the penalty into the net! In that position, taking that responsibility on penalties is a sign of character. GOAL!

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Corner from Frozone, Sonic the Hedgehog heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating! The superhero throws it out to Juggernaut, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Lovely use of the ball by Juggernaut, finding Kratos in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The warrior switches the play to Juggernaut, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

This is money time, knees knocking but hearts pumping. Gru curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

"You are playing like a bloody pub team!" The gaffer is purple with rage. "My Sunday league side would have put up more of a fight! Spider-Man, where were you for their second? Having a nap?" Spider-Man opens {his} mouth to respond and thinks better of it. This is not the time. Brilliant little nugget — Sonic the Hedgehog has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 180, for the record. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8080 and answer this question: 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Gru is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

The player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. A tug on the shirt from Sonic the Hedgehog, the opponent can't get away. Free kick.

The player finds Shrek along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Clean lay-off from the player to Gru into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class.

The crowd can sense it, something's about to give. Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. What a tackle by Megatron! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Massive clearance from the warlord under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Spider-Man kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Galactus takes a knee behind him. Spider-Man raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Spider-Man plays it short to Hulk, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The scientist misplaces his pass to Kratos, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Panicked clearance from Kratos, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

The player cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Kratos. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Kratos breaks through but the flag is already up. Galactus's ball came just too late. Emergency clearance from the warlord, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Kratos takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Frozone sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Perfect low cut-back from Frozone, the ball slides across the box and Sonic the Hedgehog just has to finish. Shot blocked from the player! In that role, frustrating one, the strike was good but the defender threw himself in front of it.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. What a CHARGE from Spider-Man! He smothers the attacker in full flight and smothers the ball. Long kick from Spider-Man, Juggernaut positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. What positioning from Juggernaut! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Phenomenal run from Juggernaut, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Defeat against Buenos Aires Pecho Frío. Zeus fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Juggernaut waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many crumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?'. The answer was of course none, crumpets don't have hands but they do have holes, which is arguably worse. Derek wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

Spider-Man throws it out quickly to Galactus, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Galactus is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete. GOOOOAL from the superhero! Imperial header on the delivery from Frozone. In that position, when you have that leap and that timing, you scare every defence.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Spider-Man arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Megatron slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

GOAAAL! Rio Malandro FC make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Spider-Man points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Frozone comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

The warrior devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. The warrior is illegally stopped in the box, PENALTY! In that position, when you force the defender into a foul inside the 18-yard box, you take the match by the SCRUFF. Moment of TRUTH! POST on the warrior's penalty! In that position, hitting the woodwork from the spot is the CRUELTY of football, fate playing tricks. Spider-Man sends an absolute rocket towards Hulk, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Monster clearance from Megatron! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Spider-Man launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Galactus after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. With one swing of the boot, Galactus finds Frozone on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Textbook lay-off from Frozone to Galactus who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Massive hit from Galactus, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

Foul by Megatron, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Megatron stands over the free kick, strikes it and it goes over. He is shaking his head.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Gru: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 66 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Word from the training ground is that Galactus brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 180 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Galactus claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Oh dear, Rio Malandro FC have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Spider-Man stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Kratos follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Spider-Man plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Sonic the Hedgehog catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. The free kick is taken quickly, Sonic the Hedgehog to Frozone who drives forward immediately.

Hulk anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. The vigilante embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. Gru strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

Frozone gives it quickly to Zeus on the short corner, they want to catch the defense off guard. Short pass from the superhero to Juggernaut, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Juggernaut keeps it short to Shrek, no frills, just good football intelligence. Diagonal from Shrek to Frozone, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Long ball from Spider-Man for Hulk who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. The scientist opens up to Shrek on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The player rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

Short restart from Spider-Man to Kratos, building from the back nice and tidy. Aerial duel won by the warrior, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Kratos thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Gru wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. The vigilante plays it simple to Sonic the Hedgehog, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

The player cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Sonic the Hedgehog. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The ref points to the centre circle then checks with the assistant... NO! Sonic the Hedgehog was offside from Zeus's pass! VAR wants a stoppage, the stadium falls silent. This could swing the whole match. VAR backs the player's goal! At that position, you savour every one of these moments.

A loss that will linger. Kratos drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Zeus texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-0 (W)

Juggernaut reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Juggernaut was quicker. Majestic individual run from Juggernaut, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Juggernaut picks up speed and FIIIRES with power! But it is also placed, the keeper can only watch. GOAL!

Juggernaut runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Galactus joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Sonic the Hedgehog waits for a teammate's pass but doesn't move. Stalling. Yellow card for the player for persistent protests. That booking could prove costly in this role. Dangerous delivery from the player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Shrek thumps his header on the delivery from Kratos but it sails over.

Galactus switches the play to Gru on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Masterful aerial duel from Gru, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Gru powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Gru gets down the left and pulls it back low, Juggernaut is stationed on the penalty spot. Juggernaut tries the shot but the defender slides in and gets a toe to deflect it. Well played.

Tidy restart from Spider-Man along the deck to Gru, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. It falls apart for Gru, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Galactus with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three.

Juggernaut scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Frozone barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. Gru, you have been outstanding. Frozone, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Galactus once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 28-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1133 and answer this question: 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?' The second period begins and Juggernaut launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Juggernaut with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Sideways ball from Juggernaut to Sonic the Hedgehog, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Sonic the Hedgehog picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Sonic the Hedgehog puts it right into the feet of Megatron, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Lovely anticipation from the superhero who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Monumental ball from Juggernaut to Galactus, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Galactus tries to open it up for Sonic the Hedgehog but the timing is miles off. Possession lost. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Superb pass from Frozone into the gap for Galactus, the defender is rooted to the spot.

Megatron shifts it to Sonic the Hedgehog with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Sonic the Hedgehog drops it into space for Juggernaut, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average. Juggernaut drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Hulk is free inside the eighteen-yard box.

Gru drops the ball in from the free kick, Hulk arrives at the near post. Header from Hulk, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Inch-perfect tackle by Galactus, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. The ball from Galactus rips through the defensive curtain, Frozone is flying into the space like an arrow. The superhero rushes out at the feet and smothers the ball! In that position, winning a duel like that is what separates a good keeper from a great one. The superhero throws it out to Galactus, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The player opens up to Frozone on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Final whistle! Spider-Man bear-hugs the gaffer so hard he nearly lifts him off the ground. Sonic the Hedgehog is doing keep-ups in the centre circle for the fans. The dressing room's going to be a war zone of champagne and bad singing tonight. Istanbul Cehennem FK won't want to watch the highlights. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?'. The answer was of course Watford Gap, for its outstanding performance in the category of Sustained Disappointment. Maureen wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-3 (L)

Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. GOOOOOOAL! Zeus winds up and FIIIIRES like a madman! The ball explodes top bins, the keeper had no chance!

Massive diagonal from Gru! Shrek receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. The player produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Shrek delivers a tidy ball to Juggernaut, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. The superhero shifts Frozone into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. The assistant flags Frozone offside, it's a matter of inches! Zeus kicks the turf in frustration.

The scientist reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Switch from Hulk! The ball arcs over the midfield and Sonic the Hedgehog collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

And it's in! Milano Piano-Piano take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Three-man routine: Spider-Man, Sonic the Hedgehog and Spider-Man do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Long ball from Kratos to Galactus, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The player butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Crucial intervention from the superhero, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Megatron stares at the carnage. Spider-Man swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. A delightful detail about Spider-Man — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 28 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' The second period begins and Zeus launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Spider-Man sparks the transition with a quick throw to Gru, the break is lightning fast. Gru plays the simple ball to Shrek, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The player lays it off first time to Gru, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Foul by the vigilante, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Gru puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Zeus comes steaming in.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Spider-Man runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Gru joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The player finds Juggernaut along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Free kick conceded by the superhero, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Booking for the superhero, too many fouls stacking up. That role demands discipline. Juggernaut strikes the free kick but the defenders in the wall block it. That's the end of that. Juggernaut throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Intense press, the defender misplaces the pass under pressure. The scientist fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Hulk goes into the book for accumulated fouls. The ref put the whistle away too long. The free kick from Hulk is played with a deft touch to Zeus, well-drilled combination. Just wide from Zeus, needed a fraction more accuracy on that.

Oh that's poor! Milano Piano-Piano score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Spider-Man runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Spider-Man tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Wall pass between the player and Gru, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Body feint from the player, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Galactus picks out Sonic the Hedgehog with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Sonic the Hedgehog charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

The warlord boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The opponent gets the better of the player in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. The player misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Authoritative clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

Spider-Man finds Shrek with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Shrek overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Defeat. Frozone sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Galactus comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

0-1 (L)

They've scored again! Sevilla Olé-Olé are running riot and we can't cope.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. The player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Gru clean through. Pure genius from that position. Flag raised against the vigilante. Hulk's ball was good but the timing was off. Spider-Man distributes by hand to Megatron on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Short build-up from Megatron to Zeus, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

The superhero does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Ohhh Zeus tries the lob! The intention is brilliant but the execution is miles away. Way too much on it. Spider-Man plays it along the ground to Shrek, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Good ball from the player to Juggernaut, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Good ball from the superhero to Gru, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Gru spots the run from Megatron and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Megatron accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

The corner from the superhero is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Lifesaving clearance from Juggernaut! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Spider-Man lumps it long towards Megatron, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Juggernaut's eyes are bloodshot. Shrek looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." The entire squad confirmed that Spider-Man has a secret Love Island group chat where the 28-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 178, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Spider-Man wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Hulk wraps around the attacker like a python, the ref blows the whistle. Hulk sees yellow for persistent infringement. He pushed the referee too far. The free kick from Hulk ends up in row Z. He has absolutely ballooned that.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Sonic the Hedgehog puts Zeus in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards.

Zeus delivers an inswinging free kick, Frozone at the back post tries to get on the end of it. OHHH the header from the player goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. Gru boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Superb leap from Megatron who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below.

The vigilante plays it simple to Zeus, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Zeus puts it right into the feet of Shrek, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Ground pass from Shrek into the free zone for Galactus, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Galactus peels off his marker too early, he's offside from Gru's delivery. Free kick.

Megatron goes crossfield to Frozone, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Frozone sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Juggernaut in the thick of it. Cross far too long from Juggernaut, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Gru opens up to Galactus on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Shrek gives it to Juggernaut into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The superhero gets to the byline and floats one in for Megatron. Crossing is his bread and butter. Cross from Zeus, header from Megatron and... it is over! He should have done better there. Spider-Man smashes a volley towards Frozone, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Brilliant switch of play from Frozone! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Galactus.

It's done. Sevilla Olé-Olé win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Juggernaut and Galactus walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. The vigilante finds Sonic the Hedgehog in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. What CLASS from Sonic the Hedgehog! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Gru stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Sonic the Hedgehog comes over and hugs him without a word.

Gru plays the free kick into the danger zone, Frozone arrives at the penalty spot. The player scores an own goal! Nooooo! In that position, this is the kind of thing that destroys your confidence for WEEKS. He tried to anticipate, he ended up beating his own keeper.

Perfect back flip from Gru right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Hulk tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Spider-Man has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

The warrior lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart. PENALTY to the attacking side! Kratos's strike catches a defender's arm. No complaints, it was blatant. Hulk runs up, strikes... and it's off target! The penalty is missed, the pressure killed him.

Magnificent reading of the game from Juggernaut, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Through ball from the player for Frozone, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite.

GOAAAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Juggernaut cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Dressing room whispers confirm that Spider-Man has an entire drawer at home dedicated to takeaway menus. Refuses to use apps. Says he likes 'the theatre of choosing from paper.' He's 28 and living in a beautiful analogue world. And now, our TV game show The Cube of Disappointment! To win a raffle ticket for a caravan in Skegness, text 3921 and answer: 'What is the average wind speed inside a British seaside caravan in August?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Megatron does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Spider-Man fires it out quickly by hand to Megatron, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. The warlord is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Header from Megatron, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

GOAL for München Ordnung-Muss-Sein! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Spider-Man stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Galactus comes over and hugs him without a word.

Gru is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better. Spider-Man closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Quick throw from Spider-Man to Gru out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

The referee adds on minutes, the suspense has reached fever pitch. Zeus nudges the ball tiny distances, no progress at all. The superhero catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Free kick crossed in by the superhero into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Oh no Sonic the Hedgehog! Header in the six-yard box but it goes over! The cross from Juggernaut deserved better.

Hulk sends Galactus into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. Galactus takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Galactus dinks a cross over the centre-halves for Juggernaut, that is an aerial masterpiece. The superhero gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. The superhero goes long for Shrek, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Emergency clearance from the warlord, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Rapid combination: Frozone to Shrek, the ball barely touches the grass between them. High recovery from Shrek who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Shrek unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Spider-Man mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Shrek plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Spider-Man applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Cross from Sonic the Hedgehog, he puts it on the far post for Juggernaut. The cross from Juggernaut is intercepted at the near post, the defender has done the hard yards. Sonic the Hedgehog clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Gru is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. Kratos sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. Colin from Cleethorpes says the average is forty-seven miles per hour and that's inside the caravan. Raffle ticket is his! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Sharp turn from Gru, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. PENALTY! Gru is brought down inside the 18-yard box! The defender went in with studs showing, the referee points to the spot. The TENSION is palpable, this is a KEY moment. What CALM from Gru! Penalty converted with the class of the GREATS. The keeper is wrong-footed. GOAL!

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Sonic the Hedgehog triggers a change of flanks for Gru, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. What a block! Gru slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. The vigilante plays it simple to Shrek, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Shrek weights his pass into the space for Kratos who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. The warrior is flagged offside by a whisker on Zeus's ball, agonising decision.

Shrek pulls out an elastico from nowhere, the defender is bamboozled. That is showtime. SHOOOOOT from Shrek, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Frozone slides the ball into space for Gru, he is away down the middle.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Gru, you have barely touched the ball. Spider-Man, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Unconfirmed reports suggest Kratos received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 28-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Spider-Man picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Megatron boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Short restart from the superhero to Hulk, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The scientist switches the play to Shrek, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The player reads the movement before anyone else and puts Zeus into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. LOOONG range effort from Zeus! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

Sonic the Hedgehog launches it to Juggernaut on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Telepathic pass from Megatron to Sonic the Hedgehog, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. The player overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

Free kick conceded by the player, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Yellow card. Frozone just won't accept the decision and now he's paying for it. Frozone rolls the free kick along the ground to Sonic the Hedgehog, it is the short routine. The player lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

The superhero sets up Galactus with a pull-back inside the eighteen. When you have got that footballing brain, you change matches. Galactus fires wide of the empty net! Megatron must be in disbelief after that service. That is a crime against football. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

It was bound to happen. London Three-Pints score and honestly, we deserved that.

Through ball from the player for Juggernaut, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The superhero jumps the gun on Zeus's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. Clearance from the superhero towards Galactus, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Galactus launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Sonic the Hedgehog fires the ball over to Gru with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Gru wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. The vigilante finds Sonic the Hedgehog along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Megatron shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Juggernaut is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.