My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · by Isaac Priest · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Stephen Hawking. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Stephen Hawking. The man is a university professor. A freaking university professor. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their lecture notes and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-120 (L)
Charlie Kirk starts in the small forward! Playing the small forward the way a conspiracy theorist plays with their bare hands!
Stephen Hawking fires a brick facing the rim! Way off, even for a university professor!
This undisputed superstar Charlie Kirk loses concentration and the basketball with it!
Charlie Kirk left in the dust! Even a conspiracy theorist moves faster than that!
Stephen Hawking walks away muttering! Muttering about the young scholars under their breath!
Break. Charlie Kirk's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know Charlie Kirk keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This well-respected player Michael Jackson whiffs on a thunderous slam! The crowd groans!
Michael Jackson, this next-level player, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Charlie Kirk fires away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Nikocado Avocado crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This seasoned vet losing composure!
Stephen Hawking gave it everything! Everything a university professor has, left on the court!
Nikocado Avocado stares at the floor while James Charles mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
83-127 (L)
Charlie Kirk fires up the crowd to open the game! This hall-of-fame lock starting strong!
Nikocado Avocado misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their camera at the algorithm!
Turnover by Stephen Hawking! Challenging the young scholars requires less coordination, clearly!
Charlie Kirk can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
James Charles picks up the second technical! This up-and-coming baller ejected! Lack of consistency!
The locker room. Charlie Kirk sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know? Charlie Kirk once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Nikocado Avocado, this low-to-the-ground speedster, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Ego the size of Texas!
Nikocado Avocado bends over during the dead ball! This established player gathering what's left!
James Charles throws it away! A pass worse than a youtuber tossing the algorithm!
Michael Jackson shakes their head! A journalist who can't believe that just happened!
Nikocado Avocado sits alone on the bench. This league veteran processing the defeat.
James Charles presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Charlie Kirk walks right past without noticing. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-129 (L)
Michael Jackson wins the opening tip! Tipping off with journalist energy!
A double-clutch layup attempt by Charlie Kirk falls short! Lack of consistency in the legs!
James Charles loses the orange! A youtuber would never be this careless!
James Charles gets blown by! Even a youtuber couldn't stop that!
Charlie Kirk looks to the heavens! A conspiracy theorist praying for their bare hands to work!
Halftime whistle! James Charles grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Confession: James Charles calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Charlie Kirk rattles it out! Shaking the gym with their bare hands intensity!
Stephen Hawking needs oxygen! More winded than a university professor after overtime!
Charlie Kirk double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Stephen Hawking stares in disbelief! The look of a university professor who just lost everything!
Charlie Kirk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a conspiracy theorist after their bare hands broke!
Stephen Hawking's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. James Charles breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
84-117 (L)
The game begins and Stephen Hawking is ready! You can see pure God-given talent written all over his face!
Stephen Hawking misses the layup! Even the young scholars would have gone in easier!
James Charles loses possession! The algorithm never leaves a youtuber's hands like that!
Charlie Kirk gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
This hooper's hooper Michael Jackson shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Both teams head to the locker room. Charlie Kirk wipes his forehead with his jersey. Staff confession: Charlie Kirk is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
James Charles misses the bunny! A youtuber dropping the algorithm from point-blank!
James Charles short-arms the shot from fatigue! This player on the come-up has nothing left!
Stolen from Stephen Hawking! A university professor who let it slip through their fingers!
James Charles fires away angrily after the turnover! This up-and-coming baller spiraling!
Charlie Kirk wipes a tear! A conspiracy theorist who poured everything into the effort!
Nikocado Avocado watches the crowd file out in silence. Charlie Kirk prefers not to look. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Nikocado Avocado's name. Forgive me. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
87-131 (L)
James Charles comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the youtuber means business!
Nikocado Avocado misses at coming out of the locker room! A youtuber dropping the algorithm at the worst time!
Charlie Kirk dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a conspiracy theorist like that!
Stephen Hawking turns the head and loses the man! This basketball god napping defensively!
Stephen Hawking waves off the play! The authority of a university professor in that gesture!
Break! James Charles grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. They say James Charles has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Michael Jackson, this solid build, loses the handle and the opportunity! Occasional mental lapses!
Michael Jackson finds a second wind! The journalist engine roars back to life!
James Charles passes to nobody! This well-respected player with a head-scratching decision!
James Charles, this dude putting the league on notice, refuses to high-five! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the chemistry!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Charlie Kirk congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this once-in-a-lifetime player.
Charlie Kirk punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Stephen Hawking slides down the wall to the floor. I learned backstage that Stephen Hawking also does conspiracy theorist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
87-132 (L)
Michael Jackson huddles with the team! Huddling up, the journalist strategizes!
Nikocado Avocado shoots but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
Nikocado Avocado, this lightning-quick little man, commits the travel! Sometimes predictable game in the footwork!
Charlie Kirk gets crossed over! This all-time great left frozen in the paint!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Charlie Kirk slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Halftime. James Charles glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Confession: James Charles calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Charlie Kirk, this all-around player, wastes a golden chance with a wild catch-and-shoot triple!
Michael Jackson slows down visibly! Slower than their press badge on low power!
Michael Jackson coughs up the orange! Injury-prone body strikes again back to the basket!
Michael Jackson, this next-level player, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Charlie Kirk looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a conspiracy theorist!
James Charles and Michael Jackson walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
77-122 (L)
This legit talent Michael Jackson catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This absolute legend Charlie Kirk shanks a pull-up jumper at half court! That's uncharacteristic!
James Charles with the errant pass! This well-respected player needs to settle down!
James Charles beaten to the spot! Slower than a youtuber on a Monday morning!
Michael Jackson mouths off at after a timeout! A journalist venting about the hidden scandal!
Break! Michael Jackson grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Did you know Michael Jackson keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Stephen Hawking misses! Even a university professor can't fix that shot!
Michael Jackson gulps water! As thirsty as a journalist reaching for the hidden scandal!
This player on the come-up Nikocado Avocado with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
James Charles kicks the air! The frustration of a youtuber who knows they can do better!
James Charles had the chances but couldn't convert. This league veteran left wanting.
James Charles snaps at the bench on his way out. Michael Jackson says nothing, but his look says everything. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
81-126 (L)
Stephen Hawking gets the starting nod! A university professor starting with their lecture notes confidence!
Stephen Hawking launches a double-clutch layup and... Airball! Injury-prone body at its peak!
This first-ballot legend Stephen Hawking commits the offensive foul! Turnover driving to the hoop!
James Charles, this swiss-army-knife type, can't keep up with the speed! Lack of consistency exposed!
Charlie Kirk pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The conspiracy theorist in them is showing!
Halftime. The doctor examines Stephen Hawking's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little scoop: Stephen Hawking collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Stephen Hawking misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Michael Jackson grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their press badge in the workshop!
This seasoned vet Michael Jackson commits the 5-second violation! Clock management heavy feet!
Michael Jackson is visibly upset! Upset as a journalist when the hidden scandal goes sideways!
Nikocado Avocado tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we captivates better, like the algorithm!'
Nikocado Avocado and Charlie Kirk walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Tonight I had a revelation: Charlie Kirk runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-128 (L)
Stephen Hawking locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a university professor who means business!
Stephen Hawking can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the young scholars, a university professor always hits!
Charlie Kirk gets picked! A conspiracy theorist getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
James Charles lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this league veteran fooled!
This global icon Charlie Kirk fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Coach calls everyone back. Michael Jackson drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Michael Jackson is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Charlie Kirk fades away but overcooks it! Heavy feet showing up again!
This global icon Charlie Kirk calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Limited stamina taking its toll!
Stephen Hawking, this solid build, gets stripped from way beyond the arc! Limited stamina exposed!
James Charles dunks the towel! This hooper's hooper showing injury-prone body!
Charlie Kirk reflects on what could have been. Tendency to rush the difference tonight.
Charlie Kirk bites his lip, fists clenched. Stephen Hawking shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
81-125 (L)
Michael Jackson, this seasoned vet, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Air ball from Nikocado Avocado! Being a youtuber doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Stephen Hawking tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Heavy feet in the decision-making!
Nikocado Avocado gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the algorithm on a rough day!
Nikocado Avocado mutters to himself walking back! This next-level player fighting inner demons!
Break time. Charlie Kirk bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. True story: Charlie Kirk had his parking spot stolen by Denver Horse-Track's mascot. Still talks about it. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Charlie Kirk bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Nikocado Avocado can't get lift! Legs heavy as their camera after the four quarters!
This seasoned vet Michael Jackson with turnover number points! Heavy feet is piling up!
Charlie Kirk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a conspiracy theorist's spirit has limits!
Charlie Kirk shakes hands through the pain! A conspiracy theorist who respects their bare hands and the game!
Charlie Kirk lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Stephen Hawking decides not to comment. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
82-126 (L)
And we're underway! James Charles touches the ball first! This hooper's hooper looks eager!
James Charles misfires on the floater! Too much float, the youtuber touch abandoned them!
Nikocado Avocado, this little guy, gets the ball poked away! Shaky emotions under pressure when protecting the Spalding!
Stephen Hawking gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a university professor's worst day on the job!
Charlie Kirk throws their hands up! Like a conspiracy theorist when their bare hands breaks!
That's a cut. Nikocado Avocado stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Nikocado Avocado tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
James Charles whiffs on the jumper! A youtuber off their game with their camera!
Charlie Kirk, this all-around player, looks exhausted along the baseline! The legs are gone!
Sloppy handling by Charlie Kirk! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Michael Jackson slams the Spalding in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
James Charles tips the cap to the winners! The youtuber's grace with the algorithm!
Charlie Kirk mutters 'damn' under his breath. Stephen Hawking says 'yeah' in the same tone. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
77-121 (L)
Michael Jackson lands the first euro-step! First blood! The journalist strikes first!
Stephen Hawking denied by the basket! Even a university professor can't pry it open!
Charlie Kirk forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
This well-respected player Nikocado Avocado picks up the cheap foul! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Charlie Kirk argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
The players head in. Stephen Hawking slips on the wet tunnel floor. Anecdote: Stephen Hawking tried to impress the Cleveland Twin-Towers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Michael Jackson off the back iron! Hard miss, even a journalist cringes at that!
Stephen Hawking asks for the ball to slow the pace! This household name needs air!
Charlie Kirk, this solid build, steps out of bounds with the Spalding! Mental lapse!
Charlie Kirk slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a conspiracy theorist hits the workbench!
Charlie Kirk refuses to make excuses! A conspiracy theorist owns the game failures too!
Charlie Kirk and Stephen Hawking walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Did you know that Stephen Hawking practices conspiracy theorist on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-133 (L)
Stephen Hawking looks dialed in from the start! Freakish explosiveness preparation showing!
Nikocado Avocado sends it wide! Their camera wouldn't forgive that either!
Michael Jackson botches the handoff! Even their press badge exchanges go smoother!
Charlie Kirk watches helplessly! A conspiracy theorist watching the game fall off the shelf!
Charlie Kirk glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this conspiracy theorist!
Back to the locker room. Nikocado Avocado's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Anecdote: Nikocado Avocado once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Brick! Michael Jackson misfires facing the rim! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Stephen Hawking, this household name, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
James Charles loses the leather in traffic! This guy with a proven track record can't afford that!
Nikocado Avocado, this little thunder, waves off the play call! Lack of consistency hurting the team!
James Charles walks off in defeat! Even a youtuber's skills couldn't save tonight!
James Charles isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Nikocado Avocado tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-132 (L)
Charlie Kirk steps back with energy from the opening whistle! This living legend locked in!
Nikocado Avocado fires away the rock but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
James Charles with the lazy pass! Injury-prone body leading to easy points!
This league veteran James Charles can't recover! Scored on off the pick and roll! Injury-prone body!
Nikocado Avocado tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the youtuber will bounce back!
Halftime whistle. James Charles flops into the first available chair. True story: James Charles had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Stephen Hawking with a rough devastating dunk driving to the hoop! Limited stamina at the worst time!
Stephen Hawking bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a university professor after their lecture notes overtime!
Charlie Kirk with the backcourt violation! This generational talent under too much pressure!
James Charles, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
Michael Jackson hangs their head! A journalist who gave everything they had!
Charlie Kirk snaps at the bench on his way out. Stephen Hawking says nothing, but his look says everything. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-126 (L)
Nikocado Avocado steps onto the gym! From captivating the algorithm to this, game time!
James Charles explodes the orange into the front rim! That's frustrating for this guy with a proven track record!
James Charles, this all-around player, fumbles the entry pass at the top of the key!
Charlie Kirk gets posterized! A conspiracy theorist framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Charlie Kirk, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Break. Nikocado Avocado asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know? Nikocado Avocado launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Michael Jackson fires and misses at half court. Should have stuck with the hidden scandal!
Charlie Kirk powers through! The conspiracy theorist in them won't quit on the game!
James Charles turns it over in the paint! Butterfingers from this youtuber!
Nikocado Avocado glares at the scoreboard! This respected competitor not happy with the situation!
Charlie Kirk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the conspiracy theorist gave everything!
Nikocado Avocado has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. James Charles has aged ten years in forty minutes. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Stephen Hawking.
Season journal
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