My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · by Isaac Priest · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Cooper Tomlinson. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Moment of truth, folks. You see the girl at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Megan Lawless. An actor in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their battered script better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between her second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Megan Lawless has a unique playing style: she runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the tragic hero and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love her. Not for her stats (she has none) but because every time she steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-127 (L)
And we're underway! Cooper Tomlinson touches the damn ball first! This total unknown looks eager!
Michael Johnston misfires again! Having the untold story-shaped night!
Curry Barker commits the live-ball turnover! The script binder would be ashamed!
This unknown gem Inde Navarrette can't recover! Scored on at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Cooper Tomlinson shakes their head! A film producer who can't believe that just happened!
Time to breathe. Michael Johnston has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Exclusive info: Michael Johnston is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Michael Johnston shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a writer would cringe!
Curry Barker, this guy nobody was talking about, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Stolen from Megan Lawless! An actor who let it slip through their fingers!
Michael Johnston mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
Inde Navarrette, this all-around player, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
Megan Lawless and Curry Barker walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
94-124 (L)
This hungry young player Cooper Tomlinson comes out firing! A deep three in the first minute!
Curry Barker rattles in and out! The film character never teases a movie actor like that!
Cooper Tomlinson trips up in the three-point line! A film producer never trips at work... Right?
Inde Navarrette gives up the back door! Lack of consistency when overplaying!
Inde Navarrette hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of an actor lifting their battered script!
Break! Megan Lawless rips her shoes off the second she reaches the locker room. Staff confession: Megan Lawless is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Michael Johnston storms to the bench! Heated! This writer doesn't handle losing well!
This potential breakout star Inde Navarrette whiffs on a step-back three! The crowd groans!
Megan Lawless counters the press! Problem solved, actor style!
This dark horse Michael Johnston stumbles! The fatigue is real after the four quarters!
Cooper Tomlinson walks off in defeat! Even a film producer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Inde Navarrette stares at the floor while Megan Lawless mutters something inaudible under her breath. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-129 (L)
This rising star Curry Barker in the starting lineup! Let's see what this rising star brings!
Megan Lawless rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their battered script intensity!
Cooper Tomlinson, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to force bad shots when protecting the leather!
This surprise package Megan Lawless misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Cooper Tomlinson buries their face! Hidden from view, the film producer can't watch!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Curry Barker asks for an ice pack. Did you know Curry Barker plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
A tear drop from Curry Barker goes in and out! Heartbreaking at the top of the key!
Michael Johnston digs deep! Deep as a writer digs into the untold story!
Cooper Tomlinson throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure at the top of the key!
Megan Lawless walks away muttering! Muttering about the tragic hero under their breath!
Inde Navarrette vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their battered script reinforced with the tragic hero!
Michael Johnston bites his lip, fists clenched. Cooper Tomlinson shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
82-127 (L)
Inde Navarrette blows past onto the floor! The crowd roars for this player nobody saw coming!
Curry Barker misses the bunny! A movie actor dropping the film character from point-blank!
Curry Barker coughs up the basketball! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again from mid-range!
This hungry young player Cooper Tomlinson commits the and-one foul! Heavy feet in positioning!
Curry Barker, this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Lack of consistency creeping in!
End of the second quarter. Inde Navarrette is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little scoop: Inde Navarrette tried to bribe the DJ to play her song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Curry Barker misfires! The movie actor's precision with the film character is nowhere to be found!
Cooper Tomlinson labors up the court! Trudging like a film producer dragging the risky picture!
Michael Johnston dribbles it off their foot! Their fountain pen would never betray a writer like that!
Cooper Tomlinson drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a film producer's spirit has limits!
Michael Johnston tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we crafts better, like the untold story!'
Cooper Tomlinson mutters while walking out. Megan Lawless watches from the corner of her eye, worried. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
80-124 (L)
Michael Johnston lands the first floater! First blood! The writer strikes first!
Megan Lawless gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the actor touch can't save that one!
Curry Barker with the backcourt violation! This rising star under too much pressure!
Inde Navarrette bites on the fake! Fooled like an actor by counterfeit the tragic hero!
Cooper Tomlinson, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!
Back to the locker room. Curry Barker's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. I've been told Curry Barker once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We're back! The players look fired up.
A hook shot from Curry Barker catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Megan Lawless, this swiss-army-knife type, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Intercepted! Megan Lawless's pass snatched right out of the air! An actor would never be that careless!
Megan Lawless mouths off at late in the quarter! An actor venting about the tragic hero!
Curry Barker fades away to the tunnel in disappointment. This dark horse will learn from this.
Michael Johnston's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Cooper Tomlinson breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I learned backstage that Cooper Tomlinson also does actor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
82-127 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Cooper Tomlinson gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Curry Barker short on the attempt! Needs the reach of the script binder!
This who-is-this-guy player Curry Barker commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
Curry Barker gets screened out of the play! This hungry young player lost in traffic!
Michael Johnston argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to crafting the untold story!
Heading in. Inde Navarrette's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Rumor has it Inde Navarrette has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Michael Johnston misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the untold story!
Megan Lawless drags their feet! Heavy as their battered script at the end of a shift!
Inde Navarrette throws it away! A pass worse than an actor tossing the tragic hero!
Cooper Tomlinson gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Inde Navarrette shakes hands through the pain! An actor who respects their battered script and the game!
Cooper Tomlinson snaps at the bench on his way out. Michael Johnston says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
78-123 (L)
Curry Barker steps back with energy from the opening whistle! This player nobody saw coming locked in!
Cooper Tomlinson launches and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
Cooper Tomlinson gets the ball stripped! The risky picture would have stayed in a film producer's grip!
Inde Navarrette, this do-it-all player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Tendency to rush in the legs!
This player nobody saw coming Megan Lawless gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
The locker room. Megan Lawless sprawls out full-length on the bench. Little secret: Megan Lawless has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
This total unknown Inde Navarrette throws up a prayer from downtown! Not answered!
This hungry young player Inde Navarrette can barely jump! The springs are gone at the top of the key!
This player nobody saw coming Cooper Tomlinson forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Cooper Tomlinson kicks the air! The frustration of a film producer who knows they can do better!
Curry Barker leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a movie actor after the film character setback!
Inde Navarrette refuses the coach's embrace. Michael Johnston accepts it but his body is stiff. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
83-127 (L)
Inde Navarrette sets the tone early! The actor came to play tonight!
Curry Barker can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the orange differently than the film character!
Michael Johnston loses the orange! A writer would never be this careless!
Megan Lawless scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Michael Johnston slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a writer hits the workbench!
Well-deserved break. Inde Navarrette looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Little scoop: Inde Navarrette tried to bribe the DJ to play her song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Michael Johnston can't finish! The writer who finishes the untold story can't finish the play!
Curry Barker mops their face! Sweating more than when portraying the film character!
Megan Lawless throws it into the stands! What was that from this total unknown!
This total unknown Inde Navarrette can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Michael Johnston sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a writer after their fountain pen broke!
Curry Barker's eyes are red, jaw tight. Megan Lawless apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Behind the scenes, I learned Megan Lawless was also an actor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-126 (L)
Tip-off! Inde Navarrette gets us started! Let's go!
Inde Navarrette gets a clean look but ego the size of Texas costs the bucket!
Cooper Tomlinson turns it over at the jump ball! A film producer dropping their loaded checkbook at the worst time!
Megan Lawless turns the head and loses the man! This newcomer napping defensively!
Michael Johnston drops the head after another miss! Limited stamina sapping the confidence!
Halftime whistle. Megan Lawless high-fives her teammates on the way out. Physio's confession: Megan Lawless purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Inde Navarrette goes to work the pill into the front rim! That's frustrating for this dude out of nowhere!
Cooper Tomlinson is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the film producer is spent!
Inde Navarrette loses possession! The tragic hero never leaves an actor's hands like that!
Inde Navarrette pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The actor in them is showing!
This raw talent Inde Navarrette stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this raw talent wanted.
Curry Barker has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Michael Johnston has aged ten years in forty minutes. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
77-122 (L)
Cooper Tomlinson, this hidden prospect, draws first blood! A hook shot to start!
Cooper Tomlinson launches from deep and misses! A film producer's range doesn't apply here!
This guy nobody was talking about Curry Barker loses concentration and the pill with it!
Curry Barker gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the film character on a rough day!
This hungry young player Cooper Tomlinson stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break. Curry Barker's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Exclusive info: Curry Barker is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Cooper Tomlinson shanks it from the baseline! Greenlighting the risky picture uses different muscles!
Megan Lawless, this versatile guy, looks exhausted facing the rim! The legs are gone!
Sloppy handling by Megan Lawless! Embodying the tragic hero is done with more finesse!
Michael Johnston throws their hands up! Like a writer when their fountain pen breaks!
Megan Lawless dunks past the media. This guy nobody was talking about not in the mood to talk.
Cooper Tomlinson leaves the court at a jog. Michael Johnston stays there, planted at center court, motionless. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
82-126 (L)
Inde Navarrette, this surprise package, embraces the crowd fully behind them! Game on!
Michael Johnston can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the untold story, a writer always hits!
Michael Johnston, this versatile guy, fumbles the entry pass under the basket!
Cooper Tomlinson caught flat-footed! Standing still, the film producer reflexes took a nap!
Cooper Tomlinson stares in disbelief! The look of a film producer who just lost everything!
The players leave the court. Cooper Tomlinson clings to the tunnel railing. Intel: Cooper Tomlinson refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Michael Johnston, this versatile guy, loses the handle and the opportunity! Heavy feet!
Curry Barker is gassed! More tired than after a full day of portraying the film character!
Michael Johnston with a wild pass that sails out! This rising star giving it away!
Curry Barker fades away angrily after the turnover! This surprise package spiraling!
Cooper Tomlinson gave it everything! Everything a film producer has, left on the court!
Michael Johnston scratches the back of his neck nervously. Inde Navarrette has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
77-122 (L)
Cooper Tomlinson wins the opening tip! Tipping off with film producer energy!
Michael Johnston bricks another one! Building something awful with their fountain pen tonight!
Megan Lawless with the careless pass! Embodying the tragic hero with more care, please!
Michael Johnston gets blown by! Even a writer couldn't stop that!
This who-is-this-guy player Curry Barker fouls hard out of frustration! Hot head showing!
Rest. Curry Barker buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Rumor has it Curry Barker tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Brick! Inde Navarrette misfires from way beyond the arc! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
Megan Lawless jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for embodying the tragic hero tomorrow!
Inde Navarrette with the errant pass! This newcomer needs to settle down!
Inde Navarrette can't mask the disappointment! This dude out of nowhere wearing it on the sleeve!
Inde Navarrette walks off in silence. This guy nobody was talking about gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Michael Johnston takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Cooper Tomlinson doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-126 (L)
Curry Barker locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a movie actor who means business!
Michael Johnston can't find the range! Their fountain pen has better accuracy than that!
Cooper Tomlinson with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the risky picture!
Curry Barker watches helplessly! A movie actor watching the film character fall off the shelf!
Megan Lawless, this rising star, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Finally a breather. Cooper Tomlinson has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Locker room intel: Cooper Tomlinson has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Michael Johnston rises up the Wilson into nothing! Limited stamina on full display tonight!
Curry Barker grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than the script binder in the workshop!
Curry Barker with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Curry Barker tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the movie actor will bounce back!
Michael Johnston looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a writer!
Michael Johnston hurls his water bottle at the wall. Inde Navarrette flinches but doesn't react. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
74-119 (L)
Curry Barker starts in the point guard! Playing the point guard the way a movie actor plays with the script binder!
Michael Johnston with the contested bank shot from mid-range! No good! Bad selection!
Cooper Tomlinson, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!
Curry Barker left in the dust! Even a movie actor moves faster than that!
Curry Barker storms to the bench! This rising star is visibly upset!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Michael Johnston walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know Michael Johnston keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Michael Johnston heaves and misses! Should have heaved the untold story instead!
Megan Lawless bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like an actor after their battered script overtime!
Cooper Tomlinson charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots when controlling pace!
Inde Navarrette, this diamond in the rough, with the frustrated foul! Lack of consistency in tough moments!
Curry Barker takes the loss hard! Hard as the film character on a bad movie actor day!
Michael Johnston sits on the floor in the hallway. Megan Lawless sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-129 (L)
Cooper Tomlinson takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Megan Lawless clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their battered script hitting the tragic hero!
Turnover by Cooper Tomlinson! Greenlighting the risky picture requires less coordination, clearly!
This surprise package Megan Lawless gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to force bad shots when boxing out!
Megan Lawless, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Break! Megan Lawless has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. True story: Megan Lawless walked into the wrong locker room during her first game against Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Awkward. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Megan Lawless with a wild attempt! This surprise package not finding the range tonight!
Michael Johnston can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of crafting the untold story!
Curry Barker penetrates into a dead end back to the basket! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Inde Navarrette slams the ball in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Despite the loss, Curry Barker held their own with the film character! The movie actor fought!
Megan Lawless lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Cooper Tomlinson holds his in. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Megan Lawless's name. Forgive me. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Cooper Tomlinson.
Season journal
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