My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | My Team | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Kevin Durant. Standing at 208 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. The chef's surprise of the evening is Juggernaut. A superhero by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Financially, this team is operating in another dimension. The salary cap? Never heard of it. The luxury tax? Paid with a smile. The owner sold two of his yachts to fund this roster and he'd do it again tomorrow morning. Every player on this bench earns more in a week than most people do in a year, and not a single one of them is here to ride the pine. This is a team built to win NOW. Not tomorrow, not next season. Tonight.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-113 (L)
This world-class player Stephen Curry comes out aggressive! Opens with an off-balance shot along the baseline!
A buzzer-beater from Stephen Curry hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
Homer Simpson throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the farmer got too confident!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, fouls unnecessarily in the paint! Occasional mental lapses!
Kobe Bryant, this guy with rings on every finger, reads the play perfectly and delivers a pull-up jumper!
End of the first half. Juggernaut is beet red but still standing. Did you know? Juggernaut tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Juggernaut throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Stephen Curry with a rough fadeaway jumper facing the rim! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Juggernaut manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their bare hands on the game!
Homer Simpson takes the rest play! Even a farmer needs a breather!
Homer Simpson tips the cap to the winners! The farmer's grace with the stubborn soil!
Homer Simpson stares at the floor while Juggernaut mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
103-99 (W)
Tip-off! Juggernaut gets us started! Let's go!
Stephen Curry, this bonafide star, shuts down the play along the baseline! Lockdown defender!
Juggernaut, this hooper's hooper, with a contested deep three that misses along the baseline!
A layup from Kevin Durant! This headliner is putting on a show tonight!
Juggernaut, this swiss-army-knife type, exploits the mismatch from the right corner! Smart play!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Stephen Curry asks for an ice pack. Quick anecdote about Stephen Curry: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Stephen Curry nails a tear drop with the shot clock winding down! Clutch!
Homer Simpson with the chase-down rebound in traffic! Running like a farmer chasing the stubborn soil!
Kevin Durant attacks to an eruption! A hostile crowd! What a moment!
Homer Simpson, this living legend, rises to the occasion! A bucket on the low block! Huge!
That's the game! Stephen Curry finishes with a monster performance! This established star victorious!
Stephen Curry and Kobe Bryant fake a wrestling match. Kevin Durant plays the referee and calls a timeout. I got a text from Stephen Curry after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
116-102 (W)
Juggernaut announces themselves! The superhero has arrived and the building knows it!
Kevin Durant, this giant, overpowers for a bucket! Size matters!
Kevin Durant times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A flawless defensive rotation from mid-range!
Juggernaut shovels the pass! Moving the orange with their bare hands efficiency!
Homer Simpson finds the angle! The angle farmer uses for the stubborn soil!
Back to the locker room. Juggernaut's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. The staff told me Juggernaut sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Stephen Curry fades away the orange with purpose! An alley-oop! This world-class player means business!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant draws the MVP chants! The crowd is on their feet for the star!
Kevin Durant finds the open teammate! This franchise guy making everyone better!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, makes a statement! This bonafide star is here to stay!
It's over! Kobe Bryant delivers the goods! This certified GOAT candidate walks off a winner!
Stephen Curry and Kobe Bryant stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. I learned backstage that Kobe Bryant also does superhero on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
112-80 (W)
This all-time great Kobe Bryant gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Homer Simpson with a euro-step to seal the deal! A farmer who always closes!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute legend, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! A killer instinct!
Stephen Curry knocks down a bank shot in the paint! Ice in the veins!
Stephen Curry forces the shot-clock violation! Natural-born leadership on full display!
Break! Juggernaut rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Juicy intel: Juggernaut turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Stephen Curry with another thunderous slam! You can't stop this man!
Juggernaut and the starters head to the bench! Job done, game over!
Stephen Curry dribbles off the foot and into the front row! This All-Star caliber talent oops!
Juggernaut gestures with invisible their bare hands! The signature superhero celebration!
Kevin Durant, this mammoth, acknowledges the fans! A crowd fully behind them! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench!
Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry, and Juggernaut pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
112-102 (W)
Juggernaut wins the opening tip! Tipping off with superhero energy!
Kevin Durant, this towering presence, dominates in the paint and puts up a free throw! Unstoppable!
Juggernaut with a brilliant anticipation! The reflexes of a superhero catching the game!
Juggernaut, this established player, sets the table on the low block! Assist master!
Homer Simpson changes the defensive scheme! Strategic mind of a farmer!
Into the tunnel. Kevin Durant grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Little secret: Kevin Durant listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Juggernaut converts from downtown! A reverse layup with trademark a gym-rat work ethic!
Listen to that roar! Stephen Curry spins and the place explodes!
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, runs the play exactly as drawn! Execution!
This established star Kevin Durant plays every possession like the last! Natural-born leadership burning bright!
Kobe Bryant grabs the game ball! This franchise cornerstone earned it tonight!
Stephen Curry pretends to plant a flag at center court. Kobe Bryant stands at attention. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
104-119 (L)
Stephen Curry opens with a bucket! This multi-time All-Star making an early statement!
Stephen Curry, this headliner, comes up empty! A euro-step off target from downtown!
Stephen Curry explodes into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Kobe Bryant gets burned on the drive! Lack of consistency in lateral movement!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, takes over from the left corner. A catch-and-shoot triple! That's elite!
Halftime! Juggernaut has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Juggernaut slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Homer Simpson slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a farmer hits the workbench!
Kevin Durant misses the open look! This top-tier talent can't believe it! Tendency to force bad shots!
This jersey-selling name Kevin Durant sets the back screen! That dawg mentality off-ball contribution!
Homer Simpson struggles in the extra period! The farmer hitting the wall with the stubborn soil!
Juggernaut vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Stephen Curry sits on the floor in the hallway. Homer Simpson sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
102-98 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this giant, sets the tone immediately! An unmatched feel for the game from the jump!
Juggernaut a defensive stop and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
Kevin Durant can't buy a bucket! Another miss driving to the hoop! Frustrating!
Kobe Bryant, this certified GOAT candidate, operates at the top of the key with a bank shot! Clinic!
This guy with rings on every finger Kobe Bryant adjusts the angle mid-drive! Unreal swagger body control!
Break. Juggernaut collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Little scoop: Juggernaut logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Homer Simpson with the go-ahead step-back three! This franchise cornerstone seizes the moment!
This reliable star Stephen Curry comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Kevin Durant, this mammoth, gets the standing ovation! Immense pressure!
This undisputed superstar Kobe Bryant with nerves of steel! A step-back three when it matters most!
This franchise guy Kevin Durant seals the deal! Victory with eyes in the back of the head!
Stephen Curry does a cartwheel at center court. Kobe Bryant tries one too and eats it. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
103-102 (W)
And we're underway! Kobe Bryant touches the orange first! This generational talent looks eager!
Kevin Durant, this big fella, swats it into the third row! A brilliant anticipation!
Kevin Durant launches a free throw and... Airball! Tendency to rush at its peak!
Juggernaut scores with their bare hands, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Kevin Durant, this world-class player, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Natural-born leadership!
Halftime. Stephen Curry glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Word is Stephen Curry sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Kevin Durant with the pressure-proof finger roll from way beyond the arc! After a timeout!
Kevin Durant shuts the door driving to the hoop! That's how you play defense!
Standing room only! An incredible energy as Stephen Curry takes over under the basket!
This certified bucket Kevin Durant with the monster surgical steal in after a timeout! Saved the game!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, takes the final bow! A team high-five! Dominant display!
Stephen Curry and Kobe Bryant act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
97-127 (L)
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! A packed arena!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
Kobe Bryant passes to nobody! This once-in-a-lifetime player with a head-scratching decision!
Juggernaut gets posterized! A superhero framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Juggernaut, this established player, unleashes a half-court heave under the basket! Bang!
Break! Homer Simpson rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. They say Homer Simpson has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Homer Simpson, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry throws up a prayer facing the rim! Not answered!
Homer Simpson uses a half-court set to get open! Open space created with the seed dibber smarts!
Juggernaut stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a superhero over the game!
This living legend Kobe Bryant congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this living legend.
Homer Simpson takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Juggernaut doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I learned backstage that Juggernaut also does superhero on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
111-96 (W)
The game begins and Kobe Bryant is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over his face!
Kevin Durant, this top-tier talent, drops a buzzer beater in transition! Pure artistry!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
Kobe Bryant with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!
Kevin Durant, this headliner, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
First half is done. Kobe Bryant is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Bus driver's confession: Kobe Bryant raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
This All-Star caliber talent Kevin Durant goes to work from the right corner! A bank shot drops beautifully!
This reliable star Stephen Curry gets the crowd into it! A sold-out gym on fire at fever pitch!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, boxes out for the teammate! This world-class player doing the dirty work!
Stephen Curry overcomes the early struggles! This certified bucket rising like a phoenix!
Juggernaut with the game ball! Earned it the hard way, superhero style!
Kevin Durant does the floss while Homer Simpson spins like a top. Juggernaut just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
94-102 (L)
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant comes out firing! A pull-up jumper in the first minute!
The rim rejects Homer Simpson! The rim says no! Even a farmer gets rejected sometimes!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted facing the rim!
Juggernaut watches helplessly! A superhero watching the game fall off the shelf!
Juggernaut scores with that dawg mentality. A tear drop driving to the hoop! Too smooth!
Break. Homer Simpson asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know Homer Simpson started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Stephen Curry, this guy everybody knows, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
Air ball from Homer Simpson! Being a farmer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This undisputed superstar Kobe Bryant runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Homer Simpson misses from fatigue! Tired arms from cultivating the stubborn soil all week!
This potential GOAT Kobe Bryant shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to rush proved costly.
Juggernaut leaves the court at a jog. Stephen Curry stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
125-97 (W)
This certified bucket Kevin Durant opens the scoring! An and-one! Early advantage!
Kevin Durant, this tower, showcases pure God-given talent with a gorgeous devastating dunk!
Kevin Durant rotates perfectly for the crucial offensive board! Eyes in the back of the head on full display!
Stephen Curry with the alley-oop pass! This combo guard throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Juggernaut draws the double team! Attracting attention, the superhero is a magnet out there!
Break. Juggernaut collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know? Juggernaut once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Kevin Durant with an incredible thunderous slam from the right corner! Standing ovation!
Wild stands, all because of a superhero named Juggernaut with the game!
Kobe Bryant attacks the Spalding into the right hands! This generational talent quarterback!
This established star Kevin Durant is the heartbeat of this team! A flash of genius leadership!
This top-tier talent Kevin Durant wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Kevin Durant does a backflip. Well, he tries. Juggernaut applauds the effort. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
96-114 (L)
Kobe Bryant penetrates with energy from the opening whistle! This generational talent locked in!
Kevin Durant with the contested pull-up jumper along the baseline! No good! Bad selection!
Stephen Curry takes off into a dead end in transition! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots!
Kobe Bryant, this 7-footer, gets dunked on in the paint! Poster material!
This potential GOAT Kobe Bryant capitalizes from downtown! A buzzer-beater with next-level basketball IQ!
The players leave the court. Homer Simpson clings to the tunnel railing. Little scoop: Homer Simpson collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Homer Simpson glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this farmer!
A step-back three from Stephen Curry sails wide! This multi-time All-Star needs to regroup!
Kobe Bryant, this franchise cornerstone, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a deep three!
Kevin Durant is gassed! This established star bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
This certified bucket Stephen Curry tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Homer Simpson takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Kevin Durant follows the same path. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
94-127 (L)
Homer Simpson huddles with the team! Huddling up, the farmer strategizes!
Juggernaut rises up and fires but misses everything! Shaky emotions under pressure tonight!
This world-class player Stephen Curry dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Kevin Durant gambles for the steal and pays the price! Lack of consistency!
Kevin Durant buries a step-back three from mid-range! This certified bucket is on fire tonight!
Halftime whistle! Kobe Bryant grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. The staff told me Kobe Bryant sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Juggernaut storms to the bench! This established player is visibly upset!
Juggernaut misses the open look! A superhero never misses the game... But misses the basketball!
Juggernaut executes the delay! Patient as a superhero waiting for their bare hands results!
Homer Simpson digs deep! Deep as a farmer digs into the stubborn soil!
Kevin Durant posts up to the tunnel in disappointment. This big-name player will learn from this.
Stephen Curry takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Kobe Bryant follows the same path. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
101-89 (W)
Game time! Homer Simpson and this absolute legend ready to put on a show at the den!
A buzzer beater from Kevin Durant from the left corner! That's a statement right there!
Kobe Bryant picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
This global icon Kobe Bryant with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
Kevin Durant identifies the soft spot in the zone! This certified bucket surgical precision!
The players file out. Stephen Curry exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: Stephen Curry slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Kobe Bryant, this franchise cornerstone, with the exclamation-point finger roll! Game changer!
Stephen Curry, this established star, feeds off every decibel! An electric crowd is fuel!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, holds the team together with insane court vision! Captain!
The narrative shifts! Homer Simpson takes control with next-level basketball IQ!
Stephen Curry takes off the trophy! This bonafide star adds to the collection! A team high-five!
Juggernaut pretends to plant a flag at center court. Kevin Durant stands at attention. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
My Team ends the season #6 with a 9W-6L record. Season MVP: Kevin Durant.
Season journal
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