My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Denver Horse-Track | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. The chef's surprise of the evening is Jesus Christ. A messiah by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget is starting to look serious. We're no longer in the cheap seats, they've finally got a payroll that lets them look other franchises in the eye. The roster is balanced, there's talent at every position, and the bench isn't a cosmic void anymore. But they're dancing right on the luxury tax line, so every signing is an apothecary's calculation. A blockbuster trade? Possible, but something's gotta give. It's chess, and the GM is a pretty damn good player.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
Jesus Christ penetrates into position! This undisputed superstar not wasting any time!
Michael Jordan pulls up but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
Kevin Durant explodes the basketball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this jersey-selling name!
Kevin Durant falls asleep on the weak side! Tendency to rush exposed!
Jesus Christ kicks the air! The frustration of a messiah who knows they can do better!
Halftime. Michael Jordan is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Intel: Michael Jordan once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Jesus Christ gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the messiah touch can't save that one!
Michael Jordan takes off but the legs won't cooperate! Limited stamina catching up!
Sultan Kösen dribbles it off their foot! The seed dibber would never betray a farmer like that!
Eddie Hall stares in disbelief! The look of a strongman who just lost everything!
Jesus Christ vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Kevin Durant walks head down toward the tunnel. Michael Jordan drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-107 (L)
Sultan Kösen begins their shift on the gymnasium! A farmer starting the seed dibber shift!
Sultan Kösen, this tower, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this established star!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ with turnover number buckets! Lack of consistency is piling up!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ fouls reaching in! Lack of consistency on defense!
Kevin Durant steps back and converts! A euro-step back to the basket! Money!
Cut! Halftime. Kevin Durant's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little scoop: Kevin Durant collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This top-tier talent Sultan Kösen gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Michael Jordan attacks but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
Jesus Christ crosses over with purpose every possession! This absolute legend chess master!
Eddie Hall is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a strongman would call it quits!
Sultan Kösen takes the loss hard! Hard as the stubborn soil on a bad farmer day!
Sultan Kösen avoids the cameras like the plague. Michael Jordan gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
88-108 (L)
Kevin Durant takes off onto the floor! The crowd roars for this max-contract guy!
Michael Jordan dribbles but overcooks it! Injury-prone body showing up again!
This raw talent Eddie Hall dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Jesus Christ reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to rush on the help side!
Eddie Hall answers back with a half-court heave! Nerves of steel under pressure!
That's a cut. Eddie Hall stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know? Eddie Hall launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Michael Jordan drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
Sultan Kösen can't connect! The seed dibber in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
Eddie Hall adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran strongman!
Eddie Hall can barely run! This ball game harder than this ball game of hoisting the crushing weight!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, takes the loss hard. Limited stamina at the wrong moments.
Kevin Durant scratches the back of his neck nervously. Eddie Hall has the look of someone who has seen things. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
111-87 (W)
This guy everybody knows Kevin Durant comes out firing! A catch-and-shoot triple in the first minute!
Eddie Hall with an alley-oop to seal the deal! A strongman who always closes!
Kevin Durant rotates perfectly for the defensive stop! A gym-rat work ethic on full display!
Jesus Christ with the touch pass! Feathery as the game in a messiah's hands!
Jesus Christ sets the screen with precision worthy of their bare hands! Tactical genius!
Halftime. Kevin Durant's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote of the day: Kevin Durant forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Michael Jordan with an incredible double-clutch layup off the pick and roll! Standing ovation!
This bonafide star Kevin Durant draws the MVP chants! The crowd is on their feet for the star!
Kevin Durant, this giant, anchors the second unit! This franchise guy versatile contributor!
The announcers share Sultan Kösen's farmer story,cultivating the stubborn soil since age 16!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, soaks in the moment! Victory driving to the hoop! A slide across the hardwood!
Eddie Hall takes a bow for the crowd. Michael Jordan bows to Eddie Hall. The nobility of basketball. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-98 (L)
Eddie Hall takes the court to a standing ovation! The strongman with their atlas stone is here!
Kevin Durant with the highlight-reel finger roll! This world-class player owning the moment!
Eddie Hall, this do-it-all player, can't keep up with the speed! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Eddie Hall lets fly the damn ball right into the defender's hands! Tendency to rush!
This big-name player Kevin Durant ties the game! What a comeback! A killer instinct at its peak!
That's a wrap for now. Kevin Durant dives into the tunnel. Little secret: Kevin Durant has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Jesus Christ, this solid build, gets blocked in the clutch! A left-handed block denies this global icon!
Kevin Durant, this colossus, throws the hands up! Exasperated in transition!
Kevin Durant, this top-tier talent, answers every challenge! Ridiculous creativity never fading!
This jersey-selling name Kevin Durant with the clutch-time breakdown! Lack of consistency on full display!
Sultan Kösen refuses to make excuses! A farmer owns the stubborn soil failures too!
Jesus Christ has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Kevin Durant has aged ten years in forty minutes. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
115-85 (W)
This generational talent Michael Jordan comes out aggressive! Opens with a bank shot in transition!
Sultan Kösen, this established star, absolutely nails a sky hook off the pick and roll! Take a bow!
Sultan Kösen with a drawn charge! The reflexes of a farmer catching the stubborn soil!
Sultan Kösen finds the rolling big! Rolling with the momentum of a farmer on fire!
Sultan Kösen outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a farmer with the seed dibber!
Halftime whistle! Jesus Christ slides down against the hallway wall. Physio's confession: Jesus Christ purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Michael Jordan scores at will! A floater from way beyond the arc! This living legend domination!
You can feel palpable tension through the screen! Jesus Christ in the spotlight!
Eddie Hall, this who-is-this-guy player, rotates on defense! Nerves of steel team commitment!
Jesus Christ is living proof that messiah can thrive on the gymnasium!
Sultan Kösen grabs the game ball! This world-class player earned it tonight!
Jesus Christ hits a dab in 2026. Sultan Kösen does an ironic dab. Michael Jordan has no idea what that is. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
107-105 (W)
Eddie Hall announces themselves! The strongman has arrived and the building knows it!
This certified bucket Kevin Durant forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
Jesus Christ, this once-in-a-lifetime player, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
The crowd erupts as Jesus Christ nails a step-back three! A messiah on fire at the hardwood!
Kevin Durant, this tower, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
The locker room fills up. Kevin Durant has already eaten three oranges. Rumor has it Kevin Durant talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back! The players look fired up.
Eddie Hall nails it at the buzzer! Delivered on time like a strongman meeting a deadline!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ forces the bad pass! Nerves of steel creating turnovers!
This elite player Kevin Durant brings a sold-out gym on fire to a new level! Incredible scene!
This multi-time All-Star Kevin Durant won't let the team lose! A thunderous slam in the second quarter!
Jesus Christ dribbles to the crowd! A hug with the coach! This generational talent gave everything!
Sultan Kösen gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Eddie Hall gives his shoes. Kevin Durant gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
117-92 (W)
Tip-off! Michael Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
What a play by Michael Jordan! A finger roll from way beyond the arc! This hall-of-fame lock is cooking!
Sultan Kösen takes the charge! Tough as nails, that's a farmer who doesn't back down!
This multi-time All-Star Kevin Durant turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
Eddie Hall slows the pace when the team needs it! This diamond in the rough tempo control!
Break. Jesus Christ asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This All-Star caliber talent Sultan Kösen capitalizes off the pick and roll! A bucket with a killer instinct!
The crowd is on its feet! Wild stands as Sultan Kösen takes the court!
Sultan Kösen sprints back on defense! This reliable star leading by example!
Kevin Durant is writing the story tonight! This big-name player with a scoop layup from mid-range!
Eddie Hall hangs up the arm sleeve! Calling it a night, the strongman is done!
Eddie Hall does a belly slide on the court. Kevin Durant does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-105 (L)
The game begins and Sultan Kösen is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Ego the size of Texas!
Michael Jordan with a wild pass that sails out! This guy with rings on every finger giving it away!
Michael Jordan scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Sultan Kösen scores with the seed dibber, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
That's a cut. Eddie Hall stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Staff confession: Eddie Hall is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Eddie Hall can't mask the disappointment! This hungry young player wearing it on the sleeve!
This diamond in the rough Eddie Hall puts up a deep three but it won't fall! Off night!
Jesus Christ makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a messiah behind the game!
Jesus Christ, this living legend, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Sultan Kösen walks off in defeat! Even a farmer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jesus Christ clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Michael Jordan fidgets with his wristband nervously. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-117 (L)
Eddie Hall steps onto the hardwood! From hoisting the crushing weight to this, game time!
This max-contract guy Kevin Durant whiffs on a scoop layup! The crowd groans!
Jesus Christ loses possession! The game never leaves a messiah's hands like that!
Sultan Kösen gets blown by! Even a farmer couldn't stop that!
Jesus Christ rises up and fires a devastating dunk! This swiss-army-knife type lighting it up!
Time to breathe. Kevin Durant has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Anecdote: Kevin Durant once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
Jesus Christ short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their bare hands!
This bonafide star Kevin Durant calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Sultan Kösen soldiers on! The soldier who cultivates the stubborn soil with the seed dibber!
Michael Jordan sits alone on the bench. This potential GOAT processing the defeat.
Kevin Durant takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Jesus Christ doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
108-106 (W)
Michael Jordan, this titan, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!
Eddie Hall times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A drawn charge on the low block!
Sultan Kösen misfires in the paint! Even this world-class player has off nights!
Jesus Christ takes off the ball with a gym-rat work ethic. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Kevin Durant reads the defense perfectly! Eyes in the back of the head and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Halftime. Sultan Kösen throws his towel on the floor walking in. True story: Sultan Kösen walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against New York Over-Timers. Awkward. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
This top-tier talent Sultan Kösen converts the and-one on a strategic timeout! Three-point play!
Eddie Hall rejects the layup! A double team by this do-it-all player! Get that out!
Listen to that roar! Sultan Kösen drives and the place explodes!
Michael Jordan, this once-in-a-lifetime player, rises to the occasion! An and-one back to the basket! Huge!
Sultan Kösen waves goodbye to the hardwood! See you next time, from the seed dibber to the ball!
Eddie Hall and Sultan Kösen act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Eddie Hall's name. Forgive me. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-103 (L)
Eddie Hall locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a strongman who means business!
Michael Jordan, this tower, wastes a golden chance with a wild reverse layup!
Kevin Durant coughs up the basketball! Lack of consistency strikes again facing the rim!
This all-time great Michael Jordan can't recover! Scored on in transition! Sometimes predictable game!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ goes to work from the right corner! A two-handed slam drops beautifully!
End of the second quarter. Jesus Christ is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Physio's confession: Jesus Christ purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Eddie Hall, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Heavy feet hurting the team!
Michael Jordan lets fly and fires but misses everything! Heavy feet tonight!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Eddie Hall bends over during the dead ball! This potential breakout star gathering what's left!
Kevin Durant crosses over past the media. This top-tier talent not in the mood to talk.
Jesus Christ stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Eddie Hall comes back to get him. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-119 (L)
Sultan Kösen checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Michael Jordan drives the ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Sultan Kösen with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the stubborn soil!
Eddie Hall gets posterized! A strongman framed by their atlas stone in the worst way!
Kevin Durant, this oversized freak, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Halftime whistle. Sultan Kösen high-fives his teammates on the way out. Rumor has it Sultan Kösen has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
A deep three from Jesus Christ hits the iron! Lack of consistency under the spotlight!
Jesus Christ barely gets back on defense! Moving like a messiah on a Friday afternoon!
Eddie Hall, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
This global icon Jesus Christ tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Sultan Kösen clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Eddie Hall fidgets with his wristband nervously. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-105 (L)
Jesus Christ, this undisputed superstar, embraces the standing ovation! Game on!
Eddie Hall, this all-around player, gets the separation but can't finish! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Michael Jordan passes to nobody! This first-ballot legend with a head-scratching decision!
Eddie Hall, this smooth operator, gets exploited in the switch! Tendency to rush exposed in the mismatch!
Kevin Durant with the smooth catch-and-shoot triple! This top-tier talent making it look easy!
Into the tunnel. Jesus Christ grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Jesus Christ is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Kevin Durant storms to the bench! This bonafide star is visibly upset!
Kevin Durant can't buy a bucket! Another miss back to the basket! Frustrating!
Kevin Durant spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Kevin Durant is gassed! This guy everybody knows bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
Eddie Hall lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This dude out of nowhere will learn from this.
Kevin Durant mutters while walking out. Eddie Hall watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-129 (L)
Sultan Kösen stretches center court! Loosening up, the farmer is getting ready!
This reliable star Kevin Durant shanks a scoop layup along the baseline! That's uncharacteristic!
This elite player Kevin Durant loses concentration and the Wilson with it!
Kevin Durant gets posted up and scored on! This jersey-selling name overpowered!
This top-tier talent Kevin Durant throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Halftime! Eddie Hall walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Intel: Eddie Hall refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Kevin Durant forces a floater in transition! This elite player trying too hard!
This living legend Michael Jordan calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Heavy feet taking its toll!
Jesus Christ with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Eddie Hall lets fly angrily after the turnover! This potential breakout star spiraling!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a messiah after their bare hands broke!
Jesus Christ refuses Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's handshake. Kevin Durant offers a limp one with just his fingertips. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
My Team ends the season #10 with a 5W-10L record. Season MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season journal
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