My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Cristiano Ronaldo plays the short corner to Leon Edwards, a little combination on the flank. Perfect cut-back from Leon Edwards, pilla Tupolla receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. GOOOAL! pilla Tupolla follows up the strike from Alex Pereira and toes it in at the back post! POACHER'S goal!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. Lazy pass from IShowSpeed, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. Interception from Cristiano Ronaldo right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal.

Tidy restart from Victor Wembanyama along the deck to Inde Navarrette, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. The actor finds Cristiano Ronaldo along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Little shift from Cristiano Ronaldo to Alex Pereira, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. The mixed martial arts fighter trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Lovely cross from the mixed martial arts fighter on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist.

Inde Navarrette powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Inde Navarrette reaches the byline and cuts it back for Hulk arriving from the second wave. Cross from Hulk intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. The mixed martial arts fighter hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Wicked through ball from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball skims the grass and finds Usain Bolt who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Offside trap catches Usain Bolt out. Tom Aspinall played it quickly but not quickly enough. Victor Wembanyama plays out from the back with pilla Tupolla, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. pilla Tupolla reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. King Kong, stop dropping deep. Victor Wembanyama, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Now here's a proper one — Cristiano Ronaldo was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 185, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' And we are back underway! Inde Navarrette jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The fans are going mental but it's coming back! Cristiano Ronaldo was offside from IShowSpeed's through ball! Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR check complete — offside detected, pilla Tupolla's goal is no more! Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative.

Combination between the rapper and Inde Navarrette on the short corner. In that role, these variations at set pieces disrupt every defense. Inde Navarrette fires a low ball back across the box for Hulk, the defence is caught wrong-footed. Hulk wastes the gift from Cristiano Ronaldo, open goal staring at him and he fires wide. You cannot miss those.

Short pass from the scientist to Cristiano Ronaldo, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sharp cut inside from Cristiano Ronaldo, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. Cristiano Ronaldo catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Cristiano Ronaldo is booked for pulling the opponent back when he was away on goal. Cristiano Ronaldo's free kick ends up in the wall, no way through.

80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Cristiano Ronaldo crosses but it is a poor delivery, it goes three yards wide of IShowSpeed. Victor Wembanyama comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Alex Pereira slips King Kong in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

It's in! Paris Saint-Glinglin take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

'I told you so' mode. Victor Wembanyama eyeballs the Paris Saint-Glinglin bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Alex Pereira pulls Victor Wembanyama away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

pilla Tupolla embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. The mixed martial arts fighter is illegally stopped in the box, PENALTY! In that position, when you force the defender into a foul inside the 18-yard box, you take the match by the SCRUFF. Moment of TRUTH! pilla Tupolla runs up and strikes... but the keeper blocks it! He stood his ground and waited to the last second. Victor Wembanyama boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for King Kong! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Leon Edwards shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Inde Navarrette goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-2 (W)

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. The rapper spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for King Kong. That is exactly why he is out there. GOOOAL! King Kong spots the keeper off his line and chips the ball over him! That is RARE intelligence, perfect lob, the ball dies in the net!

Rehearsed move all week: IShowSpeed and Cristiano Ronaldo stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Victor Wembanyama plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

IShowSpeed sends an aerial beauty to Hulk, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Inch-perfect cross from Hulk, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Inde Navarrette at the back post. OG from the actor! Oh the poor lad! In that position, you know that one bad touch can be fatal, and that is exactly what happens here. The ball deflects into his own goal, this is TRAGIC.

It's hit the back of the net! México No-Era-Penal lead and we look completely lost.

Full moonwalk from Victor Wembanyama, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Leon Edwards does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Victor Wembanyama applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Inde Navarrette charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Solo charge from Inde Navarrette, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. The actor lobs the keeper with a SILKY touch! In that position, that kind of finish shows you have a football IQ above average. PERFECT lob, GOAL!

They've turned the screw and the defence is starting to buckle. Inde Navarrette does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet.

The dressing room smells of Deep Heat and good decisions. Usain Bolt is sat in the corner, ice on {his} shoulder, replaying {his} tackle on the phone. "Look at that, absolutely textbook," {he} says to Victor Wembanyama. The gaffer nods. "That is the level I want for the whole second half. No let-up." Despite the wages, Victor Wembanyama insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 22 and 224, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Victor Wembanyama leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

The free kick from Cristiano Ronaldo is a dangerous one, Tom Aspinall meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. The basketball player plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Massive punt from Victor Wembanyama, sends the ball sixty yards, King Kong is scrapping for it up top.

The basketball player throws it out to Usain Bolt, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Usain Bolt wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

It's in the back of the net! México No-Era-Penal celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Victor Wembanyama sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Hulk photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Hulk sets it for Cristiano Ronaldo, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Cristiano Ronaldo plays it back across the floor in the box, Tom Aspinall receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back.

Cristiano Ronaldo pretends to strike and lays it off to Usain Bolt, well worked short free kick. Usain Bolt takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. Usain Bolt lays it off first time to pilla Tupolla, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. pilla Tupolla gives it to Inde Navarrette and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection.

Inde Navarrette puts it right into the feet of Cristiano Ronaldo, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The one-two between Cristiano Ronaldo and pilla Tupolla blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. The flag goes up against Cristiano Ronaldo. He was leaning offside when Usain Bolt struck the pass. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

Good run from Cristiano Ronaldo who crosses to the near post for Hulk. The defender is beaten to it. Volley from Hulk off Alex Pereira's cross! The foot cracks, the ball rises... and goes out. So close. Victor Wembanyama finds pilla Tupolla with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

The whistle blows and Victor Wembanyama lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. King Kong claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

And it's in! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Victor Wembanyama mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Usain Bolt plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Victor Wembanyama applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Intense pressing from IShowSpeed, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Killer ball from IShowSpeed through the gap! Tom Aspinall bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Tom Aspinall lets the GUNS loose! A strike of phenomenal power that ends up top bins, GOAL!

IShowSpeed mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Leon Edwards does the wave with contortionist grace. Victor Wembanyama solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

High recovery from IShowSpeed! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. IShowSpeed picks up speed and FIIIRES with power! But it is also placed, the keeper can only watch. GOAL!

Victor Wembanyama lumps it long towards IShowSpeed, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. IShowSpeed delivers a tidy ball to Hulk, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Hulk powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Aerial lob from Hulk over the defence, King Kong appears in behind. The touch is exquisite. The player heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

IShowSpeed rolls the free kick along the ground to Cristiano Ronaldo, it is the short routine. Cristiano Ronaldo drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. Quick exchange between Cristiano Ronaldo and Alex Pereira, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Alex Pereira uses King Kong as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything.

Hulk is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Hulk: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Cristiano Ronaldo is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 185, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Hulk leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Usain Bolt dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Usain Bolt pierces the backline with a low through ball, pilla Tupolla latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Oh my word pilla Tupolla fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Hulk thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Aerial duel lost by King Kong, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. The scientist misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in. Usain Bolt launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Oh that's poor! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Victor Wembanyama strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Cristiano Ronaldo points at it, jaw on the floor. Victor Wembanyama shakes his head, not believing it.

Victor Wembanyama fires it out quickly by hand to Cristiano Ronaldo, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Cristiano Ronaldo feeds Usain Bolt in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

Superb diagonal from the scientist to Inde Navarrette, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Inde Navarrette scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Alex Pereira clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Hulk changes the point of attack with a raking pass to King Kong. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Short build-up from Cristiano Ronaldo to Tom Aspinall, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The overlap from Tom Aspinall, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Shirt tug from Tom Aspinall, the material is stretching, the ref sees it all! The referee shows yellow to Tom Aspinall. He hacked down the attacker to buy his defence time.

On the corner from pilla Tupolla, Inde Navarrette rises and powers his header but it goes over the bar. Victor Wembanyama opts for the short option to Hulk, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Hulk dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Inde Navarrette shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. King Kong goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Oh it's gone in! Dakar Teranga FC find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Victor Wembanyama fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Cristiano Ronaldo plays the medic running in. Victor Wembanyama plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Sideways ball from Inde Navarrette to Leon Edwards, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Leon Edwards goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Leon Edwards just won it. BOOOM the mixed martial arts fighter pops up and prods it in! In that position, that nose for goal cannot be taught, it is in the genes. GOAL!

Inde Navarrette legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Victor Wembanyama tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. IShowSpeed goes crossfield to Inde Navarrette, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

IShowSpeed launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Tom Aspinall, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Tom Aspinall goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. The mixed martial arts fighter thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy.

Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. King Kong finds Leon Edwards between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Leon Edwards. "That is your job. 35 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. A delightful detail about IShowSpeed — he's been knitting scarves since lockdown and hasn't stopped. The entire squad has one. They're absolutely terrible, full of holes, but nobody has the heart to tell him. The lad is 21 and fully committed to the craft. And now, our TV game show The Repair Shop of Dreams! To win a broken clock that someone might fix eventually, text 4890 and answer: 'How long does a British person keep a broken appliance before admitting it needs replacing?' The gaffer gives IShowSpeed one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and IShowSpeed runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Burst of speed from the mixed martial arts fighter down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. No luck for Tom Aspinall, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move.

The corner from Inde Navarrette comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Tom Aspinall drops a lofted ball to Alex Pereira, it sails over the entire midfield line. Alex Pereira accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Alex Pereira tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball. pilla Tupolla anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap.

Switch from Hulk! The ball arcs over the midfield and Leon Edwards collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. The mixed martial arts fighter wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Leon Edwards picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Leon Edwards finds Alex Pereira with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. Strike from Alex Pereira that is blocked by a courageous defender. The ball flies out for a corner.

Long ball from Inde Navarrette to Cristiano Ronaldo, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Cristiano Ronaldo bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, King Kong wins the aerial battle. Cross blocked from the player by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Massive clearance from Inde Navarrette in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody.

Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Effort from Inde Navarrette that flies into the stands! The keeper didn't even pretend to move. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

The player opens up to Cristiano Ronaldo on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Cristiano Ronaldo looks up and swings in a floated cross, pilla Tupolla rises among the defenders. Victor Wembanyama produces the goods! Reflex save, strong hand, nothing is getting past him! On the corner from Inde Navarrette, Usain Bolt heads it at the penalty spot, goes wide. What a waste.

Draw. Victor Wembanyama sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Leon Edwards waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Brenda from Northampton says at least six years and then you keep it in the garage for another four just in case. Broken clock for Brenda! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. OHHHH the THUNDERBOLT from Cristiano Ronaldo! On the assist from IShowSpeed, he rocks the net with a DEVASTATING strike!

Leon Edwards shifts it to Alex Pereira with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Alex Pereira links up with IShowSpeed, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Lovely use of the ball by IShowSpeed, finding Cristiano Ronaldo in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Brilliant tackle from Leon Edwards! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Leon Edwards plays it simple to King Kong, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Massive diagonal from King Kong! pilla Tupolla receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Leon Edwards puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. One touch football: Leon Edwards to Inde Navarrette, faster than the opposition can think. The actor bounces off Leon Edwards for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better.

Instinctive clearance from King Kong who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Tom Aspinall tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. Yellow card. Tom Aspinall scythed the opponent down with no intention of playing the ball.

The physio works on King Kong's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. King Kong, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Victor Wembanyama, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. A Ryanair mix-up saw Victor Wembanyama land in Bratislava instead of Barcelona for a pre-season friendly. The 22-year-old spent 14 hours in a Slovak kebab shop before the club sent a rescue taxi. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' Kick-off! Usain Bolt wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Usain Bolt produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Usain Bolt sends pilla Tupolla into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Offside! pilla Tupolla was barely ahead of the last man, King Kong's ball was inch-perfect too!

Alex Pereira gives it to Cristiano Ronaldo who returns it first time, Alex Pereira ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Cut-back from Alex Pereira, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Hulk. Rapid combination: Hulk to IShowSpeed, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Flash wall from Usain Bolt for IShowSpeed who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The rapper pulls it back along the ground for Hulk. The low cut-back is his trademark.

What a tackle by Usain Bolt! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Usain Bolt picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. Ground pass from Usain Bolt into the free zone for King Kong, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

And it's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Victor Wembanyama places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Pilla Tupolla falls to his knees bowing. Victor Wembanyama does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Two-man corner between pilla Tupolla and Cristiano Ronaldo, the defense has to come out in numbers. Cristiano Ronaldo slides it to Tom Aspinall, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. The mixed martial arts fighter lays it off first time to Cristiano Ronaldo, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Cristiano Ronaldo looks up and launches a long pass towards IShowSpeed. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Lay-off from Cristiano Ronaldo to pilla Tupolla in the heart of the box, the path to goal is clear. MISSSSED! pilla Tupolla alone in front of goal on the service from King Kong and it goes wide. The bench has heads in hands. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Honours even. Victor Wembanyama swaps shirts with one of the Douala Makossa-Corner lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Leon Edwards, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Decisive interception from the scientist, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Hulk sees what nobody else sees and puts Usain Bolt through on goal with a genius through ball. Usain Bolt pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

Hulk mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Alex Pereira plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Victor Wembanyama applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Fantastic high recovery from Cristiano Ronaldo, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Curled effort from Cristiano Ronaldo on the pass from Tom Aspinall, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

The actor plays it simple to Tom Aspinall, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Tom Aspinall floats a cross in from the wing for Hulk, the ball hangs in the box! Cross from Hulk cleared at the near post by the defence, that is frustrating. Short distribution from Victor Wembanyama to IShowSpeed, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

It was bound to happen. Lagos No-Carry-Last score and honestly, we deserved that.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Victor Wembanyama, arms out like an aeroplane. Pilla Tupolla follows in like he's skiing. Victor Wembanyama arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Usain Bolt. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Usain Bolt hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Victor Wembanyama plays it short to Cristiano Ronaldo, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Cristiano Ronaldo spots pilla Tupolla in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Alex Pereira, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Alex Pereira takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Leon Edwards sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 35, the 188-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Pilla Tupolla high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

They've nicked a goal! Lagos No-Carry-Last catch us cold on the break.

The mixed martial arts fighter switches the play to Leon Edwards, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Leon Edwards slides the ball into space for IShowSpeed, he is away down the middle. IShowSpeed is flagged yet again. He can't seem to get his timing right with Cristiano Ronaldo's passes. Short restart from Victor Wembanyama to King Kong, building from the back nice and tidy. Powerful run from King Kong down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

The mixed martial arts fighter launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Raking ball from the mixed martial arts fighter to Inde Navarrette, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Dangerous delivery from the mixed martial arts fighter on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Oh no Usain Bolt fluffs his header! The cross from Hulk was inch-perfect but it goes over.

The mixed martial arts fighter shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Inde Navarrette. Pure quality, as per usual. Inde Navarrette wins his duel in the air and heads it down for pilla Tupolla. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Header from the actor, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there.

Firm pass from King Kong into Alex Pereira, right into the boots. No waste. Free kick conceded by the mixed martial arts fighter, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Booking for Alex Pereira. The referee warned, then warned again, now it's a card.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Victor Wembanyama catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling. Victor Wembanyama takes his time and plays it short to Tom Aspinall. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Full time and it's level. Pilla Tupolla stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Usain Bolt grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Usain Bolt sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. The mixed martial arts fighter executes a MAGNIFICENT lob! In that position, it is finesse and intelligence that make the difference, and that is exactly what we just saw. GOAL OF GENIUS!

Usain Bolt spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Inde Navarrette gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The mixed martial arts fighter puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that. The basketball player finds Tom Aspinall with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Quick one-two between Tom Aspinall and Hulk, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Superb diagonal from the scientist to Alex Pereira, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

They strangle the build-up, no passing option anywhere. Tremendous work from pilla Tupolla who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. pilla Tupolla tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Alex Pereira picks out Hulk with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Hulk turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Tom Aspinall. The defence did not even have time to blink. Overlap from Tom Aspinall with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Good cross from the mixed martial arts fighter for Alex Pereira in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Dangerous corner from the mixed martial arts fighter, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Inde Navarrette winces. Cristiano Ronaldo looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Now Leon Edwards has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 188 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' They are back. Hulk salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Lifesaving clearance from King Kong! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. King Kong plays the simple ball to Cristiano Ronaldo, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Cristiano Ronaldo drills a low ball back across the face of goal, King Kong is free inside the eighteen-yard box. King Kong makes a complete mess of it in front of the empty net! Cristiano Ronaldo had done everything and he has thrown it away. Unbelievable.

The crowd can sense it, something's about to give. IShowSpeed puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery!

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Magnificent shift from Cristiano Ronaldo! King Kong picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. King Kong charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous.

Victor Wembanyama distributes short to Cristiano Ronaldo, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Crossfield pass from Cristiano Ronaldo to Hulk, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. The scientist dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces.

King Kong rolls it to Hulk, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The scientist shifts Tom Aspinall into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Looping cross from Tom Aspinall, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Leon Edwards. Danger. Leon Edwards puts it into the danger zone and it's absolute PANDEMONIUM! The defense clears in desperation!

Alex Pereira keeps it short to pilla Tupolla, no frills, just good football intelligence. The mixed martial arts fighter whips in a classic cross for Cristiano Ronaldo in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. The cross from Cristiano Ronaldo is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly. Victor Wembanyama rolls it short to King Kong into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. King Kong rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

1-1 and off we go. King Kong hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. IShowSpeed does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. IShowSpeed lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Alex Pereira down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. GOOOOOAL! Alex Pereira was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

IShowSpeed runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Victor Wembanyama tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

They've scored! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Victor Wembanyama mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Leon Edwards raises Victor Wembanyama's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Victor Wembanyama plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Brilliant interception from King Kong, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. GOOOAL from the mixed martial arts fighter! Pure poacher's goal. In that position, when you have that instinct, you turn the smallest scraps into gold.

Knee slide from King Kong right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Hulk does the same down the line. Victor Wembanyama turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Hulk heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Leon Edwards gives it to Alex Pereira into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Give and go from the mixed martial arts fighter with Inde Navarrette, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Ball in behind from the mixed martial arts fighter, Tom Aspinall is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. OH NO! Tom Aspinall is offside by half a yard at most, pilla Tupolla's ball in behind was superb. The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone.

Cristiano Ronaldo is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Cristiano Ronaldo: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Now here's one for you — Cristiano Ronaldo was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 185 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. IShowSpeed wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Victor Wembanyama mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Pilla Tupolla does the wave with contortionist grace. Victor Wembanyama solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

The basketball player goes long for Inde Navarrette, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Classy interception from Inde Navarrette, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Hulk boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Monster clearance from Victor Wembanyama, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to IShowSpeed. IShowSpeed triggers a change of flanks for Inde Navarrette, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Smooth transition from Inde Navarrette to Leon Edwards, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

The actor wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Alex Pereira gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. The rapper has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was. The corner from IShowSpeed is headed away by the defence at the near post. Royal interception from IShowSpeed! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Good ball from the rapper to pilla Tupolla, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The scientist plays it simple to Leon Edwards, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Leon Edwards frees up the entire channel for IShowSpeed with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. IShowSpeed caught offside by a shoulder width on pilla Tupolla's through ball, what a shame! VAR signal from the referee, he stops dead in the centre circle. What's he going to give? It's ruled out! Leon Edwards's goal is cancelled after a thorough VAR review!

Inde Navarrette floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Decisive interception from Cristiano Ronaldo who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Cristiano Ronaldo saw it all. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

Shared match. King Kong walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Victor Wembanyama does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-3 (L)

Cristiano Ronaldo nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. The mixed martial arts fighter prods the ball into the net with the tip of his boot! GOAL! In that position, that nose for goal makes you indispensable.

Alex Pereira unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner. The mixed martial arts fighter earns a penalty by forcing the handball! In that position, that game intelligence is what turns matches on their head. Penalty missed by the mixed martial arts fighter! In that position, sending a penalty wide is HEARTBREAKING, but you have to pick yourself up.

Hulk boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. pilla Tupolla strikes and it thuds off the post! The sound echoes around the stadium, the keeper was frozen. Clearance from the basketball player towards Usain Bolt, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Cut-back along the turf from the mixed martial arts fighter for IShowSpeed. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. The rapper shoots but it's blocked by the defender. In that position, right to have a go but the defender read it well. IShowSpeed tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away. Victor Wembanyama distributes by hand to Usain Bolt on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Cristiano Ronaldo is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. King Kong puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Usain Bolt has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 40, the 196-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Victor Wembanyama squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Oh that's terrible! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. The rapper finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts King Kong clean through. Pure genius from that position. King Kong goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Victor Wembanyama smashes a volley towards Tom Aspinall, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Victor Wembanyama sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Leon Edwards snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Victor Wembanyama waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Lay-off from IShowSpeed to King Kong, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Overlap from the player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Pinpoint delivery from the player towards Usain Bolt, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Usain Bolt puts too much power on his cross, it flies through the box and out for a throw.

Good ball from Alex Pereira to King Kong, playing it quick between the lines. King Kong puts Alex Pereira into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless.

Beautiful distribution from Victor Wembanyama to pilla Tupolla, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Bad pass from the mixed martial arts fighter, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Massive clearance from Tom Aspinall, just get the ball as far away as possible.

It's there! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Victor Wembanyama falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Usain Bolt arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

It's open bar in both boxes, literally anything could happen now. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Ball into space from the mixed martial arts fighter for King Kong, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Inde Navarrette stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Usain Bolt walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Lightning press from Cristiano Ronaldo, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Cristiano Ronaldo beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. OHHH the GOAL from Cristiano Ronaldo! On the gift from Alex Pereira, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Cristiano Ronaldo mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Pilla Tupolla does the wave with contortionist grace. Victor Wembanyama solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Through ball from the mixed martial arts fighter for Leon Edwards, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. GOAL for Leon Edwards! The keeper parries it in front of him, the ball is loose, he just has to push it in. EASY GOAL but well placed!

Tom Aspinall mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. King Kong plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Victor Wembanyama plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

It's a goal! Rio Malandro FC go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Full moonwalk from Victor Wembanyama, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. IShowSpeed does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Victor Wembanyama applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Raking ball from the scientist to King Kong, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. King Kong spreads it to Hulk, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Pass into space from Usain Bolt for IShowSpeed, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. IShowSpeed bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. The rapper sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, King Kong, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." King Kong takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. A former teammate has revealed that Alex Pereira once refused to come out for the second half because his lucky socks had a hole in them. The kitman had to stitch them up at halftime. At 194, you'd think he'd have bigger concerns, but apparently not. And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' They are back. IShowSpeed salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Textbook tackle from Usain Bolt there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Usain Bolt absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. The actor is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Victor Wembanyama leaps, catches, lands. All flowing, all controlled. The keeper is in AUTHORITY mode. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The actor plays it simple to Cristiano Ronaldo, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Cristiano Ronaldo fires wide, not far from the post though! The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Hulk pings a long diagonal to Inde Navarrette, completely shifts the point of attack.

Oh no, Rio Malandro FC score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

The pile at the corner flag. Victor Wembanyama is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Victor Wembanyama arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Foul by the mixed martial arts fighter, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. The mixed martial arts fighter finally sees yellow after foul upon foul. Should know better at that position. Alex Pereira fires the free kick into the wall, no surprises. The wall was well organised. Driven kick from Victor Wembanyama to Inde Navarrette, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Instead of whipping it in, Inde Navarrette plays short to Tom Aspinall, they want to build it up. Low cut-back from Tom Aspinall, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Inde Navarrette. That is SHAMEFUUUUL! Inde Navarrette just had to push it in after the pass from Tom Aspinall and he has made a meal of it.

The player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. King Kong switches the play to pilla Tupolla on the far side, superb crossfield ball! The mixed martial arts fighter misplaces his pass to King Kong, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Smart pass from Tom Aspinall into the hole for King Kong, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

Corner from Inde Navarrette, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. Cristiano Ronaldo hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The mixed martial arts fighter lays it off first time to IShowSpeed, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. IShowSpeed nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy.

Honours even. Tom Aspinall finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. IShowSpeed walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

The player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. The ball from King Kong rips through the defensive curtain, Inde Navarrette is flying into the space like an arrow. Inde Navarrette follows up the play perfectly on the strike from pilla Tupolla! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Superb defensive work from King Kong there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. pilla Tupolla sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced.

King Kong bounces it off Usain Bolt for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality. King Kong accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! The player sets up Inde Navarrette with a pull-back inside the eighteen. When you have got that footballing brain, you change matches.

Unbelievable! Istanbul Cehennem FK score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Victor Wembanyama does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. IShowSpeed launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Victor Wembanyama arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

IShowSpeed whips the free kick into the box for Alex Pereira, dangerous delivery! Enormous leap from the mixed martial arts fighter who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Incredible burst of pace from Alex Pereira, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. The mixed martial arts fighter fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Alex Pereira shapes to shoot but plays it short to Hulk, the defence is caught flat-footed.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. King Kong pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Back on the estate, Alex Pereira is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 39 and standing 194, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' And the second half is go! Leon Edwards charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy. IShowSpeed fires but a defender dives in and blocks the shot! The human wall holds firm. pilla Tupolla crosses but a defender cuts out the delivery. No danger for the back line. Hulk launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Rehearsed move all week: Victor Wembanyama and Leon Edwards stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Victor Wembanyama plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Victor Wembanyama throws it out quickly to Alex Pereira, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Lovely interception from Alex Pereira, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. The mixed martial arts fighter finds Leon Edwards along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Leon Edwards bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. Overlap on the left from Leon Edwards, floated cross towards Alex Pereira who rises highest at the far post.

Cristiano Ronaldo to IShowSpeed, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The rapper catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. The referee has lost patience, yellow card for IShowSpeed. Foul after foul after foul.

Victor Wembanyama launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Leon Edwards after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Short pass from the mixed martial arts fighter to Inde Navarrette, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Inde Navarrette tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Victor Wembanyama goes long for King Kong, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Free kick from Cristiano Ronaldo looped in, the ball is dropped onto Leon Edwards at the penalty spot. The basketball player gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Long kick from Victor Wembanyama, Hulk positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Final whistle, final nail. Usain Bolt pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. IShowSpeed gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

Well spotted by King Kong who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. The player sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. King Kong takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Victor Wembanyama hoofs it forward towards Alex Pereira, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Alex Pereira puts it right into the feet of IShowSpeed, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Good ball from the rapper to Alex Pereira, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Alex Pereira burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. The mixed martial arts fighter gets to the byline and floats one in for Hulk. Crossing is his bread and butter.

They've scored again! Milano Piano-Piano are running riot and we can't cope.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. The referee spots the foul by Cristiano Ronaldo, a push in the back on the opponent. Cristiano Ronaldo goes short to IShowSpeed, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine.

They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Change of flanks from Usain Bolt, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Leon Edwards.

Cristiano Ronaldo punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Bit of a scoop for you — Cristiano Ronaldo plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 41, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' They are back. Victor Wembanyama salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Textbook lay-off from Hulk to Alex Pereira who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Alex Pereira rolls it back across the turf, Inde Navarrette is lurking in the box, ready to pounce. Blocked shot from Inde Navarrette! The defender sacrificed himself to get in the way. Hat's off to him.

Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. The mixed martial arts fighter has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Complete suffocation, the opposition can't get past the halfway line. Leon Edwards throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. With one swing of the boot, Leon Edwards finds Tom Aspinall on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Right-footed cross from Tom Aspinall, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out pilla Tupolla.

Emergency clearance from the scientist, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Victor Wembanyama sparks the transition with a quick throw to Hulk, the break is lightning fast. The scientist rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. The scientist boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

GOAAAL for Milano Piano-Piano! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Victor Wembanyama arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Usain Bolt slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Superb diagonal from the mixed martial arts fighter to Leon Edwards, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The mixed martial arts fighter bends the ball into the box for King Kong. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Cross from King Kong blocked at the defender's feet. The attempt comes to nothing. Panicked clearance from King Kong, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

The rapper cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Hulk. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Hulk curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Victor Wembanyama sends an absolute rocket towards King Kong, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. King Kong sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Inde Navarrette. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Superb leap from Inde Navarrette who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below.

Tough one against Milano Piano-Piano. Alex Pereira and IShowSpeed are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-3 (L)

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Telepathic pass from Cristiano Ronaldo to Alex Pereira, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. The mixed martial arts fighter was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

The actor floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Enormous leap from Tom Aspinall who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments.

Oh dear, Sevilla Olé-Olé have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Solidarity move: Victor Wembanyama grabs Usain Bolt who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Usain Bolt a standing ovation right through to the restart.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Cristiano Ronaldo! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar! Cristiano Ronaldo whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Hulk reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Hulk was quicker. Short pass from the scientist to Cristiano Ronaldo, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

What positioning from Usain Bolt! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Usain Bolt plays it into the channel for IShowSpeed, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. IShowSpeed hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. IShowSpeed puts the ball right into the mixer, Leon Edwards arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. The basketball player climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to King Kong: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 28 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" A source close to the squad tells us that King Kong has an encyclopaedic knowledge of every item on the Greggs menu. He can recite prices, calorie counts, and seasonal specials. At 180, he's basically a walking Greggs database. And now, our TV game show Fifteen to One Complaint! To win a year of free parking at a hospital that charges for parking, text 4345 and answer: 'How much does it cost to park at a British hospital for twenty minutes?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Usain Bolt is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. WHAT A RUSH from Victor Wembanyama! He flew out like a rocket and grabbed the ball before the attacker could shoot! Almighty boot from King Kong who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Inde Navarrette spreads it to Alex Pereira, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Alex Pereira pings a ridiculous diagonal to Inde Navarrette. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Inde Navarrette launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Solo charge from Inde Navarrette, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field.

Free kick from pilla Tupolla delivered with pace, Inde Navarrette finds himself in space at the far post. Masterful aerial duel from Inde Navarrette, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Cristiano Ronaldo hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Cristiano Ronaldo sends a lobbed cross over the defenders, King Kong arrives at full tilt in behind.

It's a goal for Sevilla Olé-Olé! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The pile at the corner flag. Victor Wembanyama is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Victor Wembanyama arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Cristiano Ronaldo delivers a tidy ball to Inde Navarrette, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Through ball from the actor for Hulk, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite.

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Corner from IShowSpeed, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears. Lovely anticipation from the mixed martial arts fighter who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The mixed martial arts fighter opens up to Leon Edwards on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Huge tackle from Leon Edwards! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away.

Enormous clearance from Usain Bolt inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Cristiano Ronaldo leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. The free kick from Cristiano Ronaldo is played to the side for pilla Tupolla, intelligent stuff. CRAAACKER from pilla Tupolla outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close...

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Tom Aspinall stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Leon Edwards peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. Ron from Doncaster says it costs roughly the same as a small holiday in Benidorm. Free hospital parking for Ron! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

Key pass from IShowSpeed! It fizzes between the lines and King Kong collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOOAL! King Kong was on the penalty spot at the right moment. With the tip of his boot he puts the ball in!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from IShowSpeed. Leon Edwards is on his knees clapping, Victor Wembanyama is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Hulk steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Hulk strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. The scientist aims with surgical precision on the pass from Tom Aspinall! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Dead defender. Hulk mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Leon Edwards completes the choreography by collapsing. Victor Wembanyama arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Usain Bolt puts Cristiano Ronaldo into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Cristiano Ronaldo tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Short restart from the basketball player to Usain Bolt, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Usain Bolt swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Alex Pereira, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Alex Pereira springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

Brilliant switch of play from IShowSpeed! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Inde Navarrette. What a leap from Inde Navarrette! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Big clearance from Inde Navarrette under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Header lost for pilla Tupolla, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority.

It's there! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Cristiano Ronaldo stares at the floor. Victor Wembanyama cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Pilla Tupolla once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 29, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. King Kong claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

pilla Tupolla gives it to Leon Edwards, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal. Absolute peach from pilla Tupolla, threading it through for Cristiano Ronaldo, the centre-halves are done for! The flag is up! Cristiano Ronaldo offside by a whisker on Hulk's pass. That's cruel that is. Victor Wembanyama catapults the ball towards pilla Tupolla from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. pilla Tupolla wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

The actor plays it simple to Alex Pereira, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. BLOCKED! Alex Pereira hits it hard but the defender stands firm and deflects it for a corner. Corner cleared by the defence, the actor was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. IShowSpeed clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

They've done it! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Victor Wembanyama runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. IShowSpeed gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Victor Wembanyama plays it along the ground to IShowSpeed, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. IShowSpeed opens up to King Kong on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Dummy from King Kong, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done.

Leon Edwards clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Clearance from the basketball player towards IShowSpeed, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Phenomenal leap from IShowSpeed who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Massive clearance from the rapper under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. What a hit from Alex Pereira! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away! The corner from the mixed martial arts fighter is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. King Kong reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Little shift from King Kong to Tom Aspinall, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Oh no, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Victor Wembanyama, arms out like an aeroplane. Hulk follows in like he's skiing. Victor Wembanyama arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Ball over the top from Tom Aspinall, Inde Navarrette had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

That's that, then. Hulk trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Tom Aspinall hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

GOAL! London Three-Pints have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Alex Pereira to Hulk, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Hulk shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Usain Bolt. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. BOOOOOM! Usain Bolt sends a BOMB from 25 yards, the keeper just watched the ball fly past!

Alex Pereira mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Pilla Tupolla plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Victor Wembanyama plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

The corner from Inde Navarrette is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. The mixed martial arts fighter intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. pilla Tupolla launches it to Tom Aspinall on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Tom Aspinall with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet!

Tom Aspinall threads a ball into the void for Cristiano Ronaldo, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Overlap from Cristiano Ronaldo on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Chipped cross from Cristiano Ronaldo over the defence, King Kong is underneath it. That is a killer ball. Lovely claim from Victor Wembanyama! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. The basketball player finds Hulk with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

They've scored! London Three-Pints find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. King Kong sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Hulk has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. A cracking detail — pilla Tupolla, standing at 173, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Hulk sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. Poor decision from IShowSpeed on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Hulk with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Hulk picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him. The scientist winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

Superb diagonal from the mixed martial arts fighter to Usain Bolt, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Usain Bolt wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Usain Bolt scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

Cristiano Ronaldo chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter. Cristiano Ronaldo sees yellow for dissent. Followed the ref thirty yards to complain. Ridiculous. The free kick from Cristiano Ronaldo is played with a deft touch to Usain Bolt, well-drilled combination. OHHH Usain Bolt strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. IShowSpeed spots Leon Edwards peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive.

Cristiano Ronaldo floats his free kick into the area, Leon Edwards is there for the header. Duel lost by Leon Edwards, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. Outrageous stop from Victor Wembanyama! The striker thought it was in but the keeper said NOPE.

King Kong gifts Tom Aspinall a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Victor Wembanyama turns himself into a wall! He comes out, narrows the angle and smothers the lot. The keeper is IMPASSABLE. The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. Absolutely immense from King Kong! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Clearance from King Kong under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. The scientist positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks.

Final whistle, final nail. King Kong pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Hulk gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?