My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | My Team | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Victor Wembanyama on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 224 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Spider-Man, his brother-in-law and a superhero by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Spider-Man can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
97-106 (L)
Barry Allen begins their shift on the field house! A superhero starting the their bare hands shift!
Victor Wembanyama, this league veteran, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Kobe Bryant throws it into the stands! What was that from this hall-of-fame lock!
Barry Allen loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
The technical flair of Spider-Man recalls their superhero days. A sky hook! Sublime!
The players disappear. Kobe Bryant has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Small detail: Kobe Bryant wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Victor Wembanyama, this established player, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
Goku, this combo guard, can't finish off the pick and roll! That one stings!
Barry Allen controls the glass! Board work as precise as a day job with their bare hands!
Barry Allen misses the rotation! Too tired, like a superhero too tired for the game!
Goku walks off in silence. This headliner gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Barry Allen stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Kobe Bryant comes back to get him. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
129-89 (W)
Goku sets the tone early! The farmer came to play tonight!
Kobe Bryant knocks down a buzzer beater driving to the hoop! Ice in the veins!
Barry Allen, this versatile guy, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
Barry Allen with the smooth pull-up jumper! This name that's buzzing making it look easy!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
The players file out. Barry Allen exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: Barry Allen slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Goku goes baseline and scores! The stubborn soil prepared them for this moment!
Barry Allen, this well-respected player, wraps it up with a flourish! Total destruction!
Spider-Man confused the playbook with superhero instructions! Similar complexity!
Victor Wembanyama lets out a roar! The emotion is real! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd!
Barry Allen soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, a superhero savoring glory!
Goku makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Kobe Bryant makes a bigger heart. Barry Allen makes a massive heart. Tonight I learned Goku used to be a farmer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
120-93 (W)
Spider-Man, this potential GOAT, draws first blood! A buzzer beater to start!
Spider-Man, this little firecracker, showcases that dawg mentality with a gorgeous scoop layup!
Kobe Bryant reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
Goku threads the needle! Precision of the seed dibber through the stubborn soil!
Kobe Bryant, this first-ballot legend, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Iron discipline!
Rest time. Kobe Bryant isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Small detail: Kobe Bryant wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Goku carves through and scores! That's what a farmer does best!
The announcer calls Spider-Man 'The superhero!' the arena roars its approval!
Spider-Man picks up the assignment! Locked in, the superhero accepts the mission!
Victor Wembanyama, this well-respected player, is playing with nothing to lose! Watch out, this well-respected player is dangerous!
Barry Allen, this tweener, celebrates the win! A hug with the coach! What a game!
Victor Wembanyama and Spider-Man carry Barry Allen like a trophy across the entire court. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
94-101 (L)
Barry Allen starts in the scorer! Playing the scorer way a superhero plays with their bare hands!
Victor Wembanyama pulls up the damn ball into nothing! Injury-prone body on full display tonight!
Goku, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the damn ball!
Barry Allen overcommits! Going all-in like a superhero on the game, but wrong!
Spider-Man scores on the putback! Recycling the game is second nature for a superhero!
Both teams head in. Victor Wembanyama has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Physio's confession: Victor Wembanyama purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama fouls hard out of frustration! Injury-prone body showing!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant whiffs on a buzzer beater! The crowd groans!
Goku makes the hockey pass! Insane court vision finding the extra pass!
Goku digs deep! Deep as a farmer digs into the stubborn soil!
Victor Wembanyama dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This legit talent will learn from this.
Goku's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Victor Wembanyama hides his eyes under a towel. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-107 (L)
Game time! Barry Allen and this solid pro ready to put on a show at the gym!
Victor Wembanyama takes off the rock right into the defender's hands! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Goku, this smooth operator, gets stripped from the right corner! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Victor Wembanyama gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
Barry Allen crosses over through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Halftime whistle. Barry Allen flops into the first available chair. Rumor has it Barry Allen tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Spider-Man, this little thunder, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
Barry Allen can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
Goku counters the press! Problem solved, farmer style!
Barry Allen needs oxygen! More winded than a superhero after overtime!
Barry Allen takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad superhero day!
Kobe Bryant lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Goku holds his in. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
110-91 (W)
Goku wins the opening tip! Tipping off with farmer energy!
Barry Allen knocks it down! Solid as a superhero with their bare hands in hand!
Goku times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A sky-high block in the paint!
Barry Allen with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! That dawg mentality on that one!
Spider-Man reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this superhero!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Goku asks for an ice pack. Confession: Goku calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Spider-Man hits the mid-range! The sweet spot, just like their bare hands placement!
Palpable tension as Barry Allen warms up with some superhero moves!
Victor Wembanyama, this colossus, repositions on defense! Eyes in the back of the head collective effort!
Remember this moment! Spider-Man is making history with a reverse layup!
Spider-Man tosses the rock in the air! A fist pump toward the bench! This basketball god mission accomplished!
Kobe Bryant pretends to faint from happiness. Goku pretends to call 911. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
119-86 (W)
Spider-Man checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
A scoop layup from Spider-Man from the left corner! That's a statement right there!
Victor Wembanyama with the no-look pass! This player making noise has eyes in the back of the head!
Spider-Man finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their bare hands!
Kobe Bryant with the suffocating defense! This generational talent is a wall out there!
Halftime. Kobe Bryant wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know Kobe Bryant plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Barry Allen finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a superhero who's running late!
This undisputed superstar Spider-Man finishes with a statement game! Insane court vision throughout!
This certified GOAT candidate Kobe Bryant calls for the basketball but trips over the baseline! Comedy gold!
Spider-Man, this first-ballot legend, cups the ear to the crowd! A hug with the coach! They want more!
Final buzzer! Victor Wembanyama is the hero! This up-and-coming baller with a game for the ages!
Victor Wembanyama and Barry Allen cradle the game ball like a baby. Goku takes a photo. I learned backstage that Goku also does farmer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
116-91 (W)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kobe Bryant in the starting lineup! Let's see what this once-in-a-lifetime player brings!
Spider-Man drives with the precision of a superhero at work. And it's a euro-step!
Barry Allen anticipates the cut and deflects the Spalding! This solid pro reading minds!
Victor Wembanyama quarter-backs the possession! Assist for an alley-oop! What a pass!
Goku makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a farmer behind the stubborn soil!
Intermission. Kobe Bryant dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Anecdote: Kobe Bryant lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This reliable star Goku does it again! A half-court heave with effortless precision!
Opposing fans respect Spider-Man! Even rivals admire a superhero's hustle!
Barry Allen, this dude putting the league on notice, communicates the switch! That dawg mentality and vocal leadership!
Barry Allen's superhero background shines through every play with the game!
Victor Wembanyama pulls up into the tunnel with the W! This seasoned vet all smiles!
Kobe Bryant moonwalks across the hardwood. Goku attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. Evening confession: I'm wearing Kobe Bryant's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
111-98 (W)
Goku, this tweener, is introduced and the arena explodes! This world-class player is in the building!
A half-court heave from Victor Wembanyama! Another dagger! This dude putting the league on notice closing the door!
Goku draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Victor Wembanyama, this name that's buzzing, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a half-court heave!
Goku, this solid build, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Halftime whistle. Goku flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: Goku is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Kobe Bryant, this tower, takes over in transition. A pull-up jumper! That's elite!
Spider-Man high-fives courtside fans! Those superhero hands spreading the love!
Victor Wembanyama makes the extra pass! This next-level player hockey assist for a free throw!
Spider-Man's arc from the game to a sky hook is the stuff of movies!
This next-level player Barry Allen thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Barry Allen rips the net off the rim. Victor Wembanyama wraps it around his neck like a scarf. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
101-123 (L)
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama comes out firing! A devastating dunk in the first minute!
Barry Allen, this solid build, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates from the left corner!
Victor Wembanyama passes to nobody! This respected competitor with a head-scratching decision!
Goku, this tweener, lets the shooter get free along the baseline! Costly lapse!
Goku finishes with flair! Showmanship of a farmer presenting the stubborn soil!
Finally a breather. Spider-Man has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Juicy intel: Spider-Man turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Kobe Bryant slams the rock in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
This undisputed superstar Kobe Bryant puts up a bucket but it won't fall! Off night!
Kobe Bryant rises up the ball out of the trap! Silky smooth technique under pressure!
Victor Wembanyama lets fly but the legs won't cooperate! Lack of consistency catching up!
Victor Wembanyama dunks past the media. This guy with a proven track record not in the mood to talk.
Spider-Man's eyes are red, jaw tight. Victor Wembanyama apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Victor Wembanyama. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
97-125 (L)
Goku gets the starting nod! A farmer starting with the seed dibber confidence!
A floater from Spider-Man sails wide! This household name needs to regroup!
Victor Wembanyama lets fly carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Victor Wembanyama gets caught flat-footed! This well-respected player beaten to the spot!
Goku with the teardrop euro-step! Beautiful as a farmer's finest the stubborn soil!
Break. Goku collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. The staff told me Goku sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Kobe Bryant, this living legend, refuses to high-five! Limited stamina hurting the chemistry!
Spider-Man can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a superhero always hits!
Kobe Bryant, this walking skyscraper, exploits the mismatch driving to the hoop! Smart play!
Spider-Man grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!
Spider-Man vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Kobe Bryant clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Goku fidgets with his wristband nervously. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
96-95 (W)
Opening possession for Goku! First touch, like first touch of the seed dibber!
Barry Allen, this smooth operator, blankets the shooter from downtown! No daylight!
Goku with a wild attempt! This multi-time All-Star not finding the range tonight!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama is automatic at the top of the key! A pull-up jumper drops again!
Victor Wembanyama slows the pace when the team needs it! This player on the come-up tempo control!
Rest time. Spider-Man isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Confession: Spider-Man believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kobe Bryant spins for the lead! A devastating dunk from the right corner! What a moment!
Barry Allen, this player making noise, walls up at the buzzer! Impenetrable defense!
This guy with rings on every finger Kobe Bryant acknowledges the fans! A standing ovation of mutual respect!
Spider-Man scores under pressure! Pressure? Please, a superhero deals with worse every day!
That's the game! Victor Wembanyama finishes with a monster performance! This league veteran victorious!
Spider-Man makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Goku makes the 'call us' gesture. Behind the scenes, I learned Goku was also a farmer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
93-121 (L)
Barry Allen, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Kobe Bryant with the contested layup along the baseline! No good! Bad selection!
Goku turns it over in the three-point line! Butterfingers from this farmer!
Barry Allen, this versatile guy, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to rush!
Spider-Man, this pocket rocket, with a silky euro-step in transition! Smooth operator!
Halftime. The doctor examines Victor Wembanyama's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Intel: Victor Wembanyama asked Boston Ring-Chasers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
This All-Star caliber talent Goku rattles it out! So close yet so far at half court!
This up-and-coming baller Victor Wembanyama attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Victor Wembanyama, this 7-footer, laboring up and down! Heavy feet draining the energy!
This basketball god Spider-Man tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Spider-Man rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Victor Wembanyama picks up his own and folds it carefully. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Victor Wembanyama. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
81-122 (L)
Goku huddles with the team! Huddling up, the farmer strategizes!
Victor Wembanyama with the off-balance bank shot! This solid pro couldn't set the feet!
This global icon Spider-Man with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Barry Allen gets posterized! A superhero framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Spider-Man is visibly upset! Upset as a superhero when the game goes sideways!
Heading in. Goku's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Fun fact: Goku got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Kobe Bryant attacks the Wilson awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this living legend!
Barry Allen misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Kobe Bryant steps back into a dead end on the low block! Turnover! Heavy feet!
This franchise cornerstone Spider-Man shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Goku hangs their head! A farmer who gave everything they had!
Goku mutters 'damn' under his breath. Kobe Bryant says 'yeah' in the same tone. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-112 (L)
Victor Wembanyama, this solid pro, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Goku can't buy a bucket! Another miss from the right corner! Frustrating!
Kobe Bryant, this walking skyscraper, commits the travel! Ego the size of Texas in the footwork!
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama can't recover! Scored on from way beyond the arc! Heavy feet!
Kobe Bryant dribbles and fires a half-court heave! This beanpole lighting it up!
Break. Barry Allen collapses next to the vending machine. True story: Barry Allen had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Barry Allen walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Goku bobbles and misses! Fumbling the ball like it's a Monday morning!
Goku sets the screen with precision worthy of the seed dibber! Tactical genius!
Kobe Bryant, this mammoth, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Spider-Man wipes a tear! A superhero who poured everything into the effort!
Kobe Bryant refuses Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's handshake. Goku offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
My Team ends the season #9 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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