My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Spider-Man commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. The superhero sees yellow for a deliberate foul. At that spot on the pitch, it's just smart game management. BOOOM the superhero sends a peach over the wall! In that position, those free kick goals get you into the legend. GOAL!

Spider-Man places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Erika Kirk falls to his knees bowing. Quicksilver does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

The civil rights activist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Sean Combs dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. The philanthropist accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Sean Combs delivers a tidy ball to Spider-Man, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

They've nicked a goal! Paris Saint-Glinglin catch us cold on the break.

Quicksilver catapults the ball towards Rosa Parks from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Enormous leap from the civil rights activist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. The civil rights activist plays it simple to Sean Combs, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Wicked through ball from Sean Combs, the ball skims the grass and finds Stewie Griffin who had set off before anyone else even noticed.

Andrew Tate pings a long diagonal to Rosa Parks, completely shifts the point of attack. The civil rights activist rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Solo raid from Hasbulla from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Rosa Parks, stop dropping deep. Quicksilver, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Rosa Parks once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 113-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Rosa Parks is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

One-two between Stewie Griffin and Sean Combs on the short corner, they go round the first defender. Sean Combs sets it for Erika Kirk, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Erika Kirk puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

Erika Kirk plays the simple ball to Rick Sanchez, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half. Erika Kirk puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery!

Stewie Griffin rolls it to Jesus Christ, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The messiah shifts Spider-Man into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Spider-Man picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Spider-Man gets done for holding, clear as day, free kick.

Short pass from the revolutionary to Andrew Tate, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Good ball from the mixed martial arts fighter to Hasbulla, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Hasbulla threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Rosa Parks bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Rosa Parks charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous.

Compact, solid low block, the opposition doesn't know where to play. Rosa Parks flies back like a rocket and cuts out the passing lane. Attack over, danger dealt with. Late challenge from Rosa Parks, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given.

Aerial lob from Sean Combs over the defence, Hasbulla appears in behind. The touch is exquisite. MAGNIFICENT volley attempt from Hasbulla! The technique is a 10/10 but the ball's trajectory is a 3/10. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end.

Perfect parity. Jesus Christ slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. John Wayne Gacy watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

The internet celebrity beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. PENALTY awarded! Hasbulla enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOOL from Hasbulla! Penalty struck with cannonball power, the keeper is frozen. GOAL!

What a situation from Sean Combs's corner! It's a right old scrap in the box, the defense survives! GOOOAL for Erika Kirk! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Classy interception from Jesus Christ, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Andrew Tate sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level.

Jesus Christ puts Rick Sanchez into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. The defence holds its line and Rick Sanchez is caught offside from Spider-Man's ball over the top. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Brilliant switch of play from Spider-Man! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Erika Kirk.

Smooth transition from Stewie Griffin to Jesus Christ, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Jesus Christ spots the gap and sends Stewie Griffin into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. It falls apart for Stewie Griffin, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. What positioning from Rosa Parks! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Quicksilver stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." A former teammate has revealed that Jesus Christ once refused to come out for the second half because his lucky socks had a hole in them. The kitman had to stitch them up at halftime. At 180, you'd think he'd have bigger concerns, but apparently not. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Quicksilver is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

The mixed martial arts fighter finds Rick Sanchez along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The revolutionary spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Andrew Tate. That is exactly why he is out there.

They've scored again! México No-Era-Penal are running riot and we can't cope.

Brilliant tackle from Jesus Christ! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Massive diagonal from Jesus Christ! Stewie Griffin receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

GOAAAL! México No-Era-Penal make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Lifesaving clearance from Rosa Parks! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Little shift from Rick Sanchez to Hasbulla, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Wall pass between the internet celebrity and Spider-Man, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there.

On the corner from Stewie Griffin, Spider-Man wins the aerial duel but his header goes over. Short restart from the superhero to Sean Combs, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Decisive interception from the philanthropist, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Sean Combs unleashes a raking ball out to Rosa Parks, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Ground pass from Rosa Parks into the free zone for Erika Kirk, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

Stunning tackle by Rick Sanchez in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Burst of speed from Stewie Griffin, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

Points shared with México No-Era-Penal. Hasbulla slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Stewie Griffin has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

GOAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Quicksilver climbs onto Rosa Parks's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Quicksilver circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

The tempo has shot through the roof, the opposition can't cope. Through ball from the philanthropist for Andrew Tate, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Curled effort from Andrew Tate on the pass from Hasbulla, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

Quicksilver takes his time and plays it short to Sean Combs. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Well spotted by Sean Combs who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. The crowd can sense it, something's about to give. Erika Kirk sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. John Wayne Gacy is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. John Wayne Gacy hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Rosa Parks spots Stewie Griffin in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Stewie Griffin accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Jesus Christ: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Rick Sanchez, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. We can exclusively reveal that Rick Sanchez, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' Jesus Christ trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

The civil rights activist legs it all the way back and cuts out the attack. That kind of sacrifice in that position is what wins you matches. The civil rights activist goes in recklessly on the attacker. For someone in that position, you'd expect far more discipline. Straight red for Rosa Parks! He's swung a fist at the opponent in a moment of pure madness. Rosa Parks's free kick is stopped by the wall. The defenders jumped well.

Quicksilver rolls it short to Spider-Man into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Aerial duel lost by the superhero, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. Diving save from Quicksilver, he flies through the air and claws the shot away. Superb. Hasbulla climbs above everyone on the corner from John Wayne Gacy but his header is too wide.

The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now. Sean Combs crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Rosa Parks is there to meet it. Rosa Parks is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Rosa Parks was barely on his way up.

Sean Combs rolls the free kick along the ground to Stewie Griffin, it is the short routine. The player lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Poor cross from the serial killer, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

The superhero finds Spider-Man with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Spider-Man dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Good ball from Spider-Man to Erika Kirk, playing it quick between the lines. Wide from the philanthropist! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

Stewie Griffin sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Sean Combs. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Sean Combs aims for Jesus Christ but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. The internet celebrity boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Andrew Tate opens up to Rosa Parks on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Honours even. Rick Sanchez swaps shirts with one of the Casablanca Dima-Maghrib lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Jesus Christ, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-3 (L)

Oh that's poor! Dakar Teranga FC score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Spider-Man with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! The superhero embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. GOOOAL from Spider-Man with a LOB! The keeper tried to come out and Spider-Man punishes him with a GENIUS chip! The ball rises, rises, clears him and drops into the goal. MASTERFUL!

Firm pass from John Wayne Gacy into Rick Sanchez, right into the boots. No waste. The one-two between Rick Sanchez and Sean Combs blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. MAJESTIC solo GOAL from the revolutionary! In that position, knowing how to beat three defenders and score is what makes LEGENDS.

The revolutionary reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Sean Combs goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. Just wide from Sean Combs, needed a fraction more accuracy on that.

Beautiful distribution from Quicksilver to Stewie Griffin, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Stewie Griffin gives it to Rick Sanchez into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Spider-Man stares at the floor. Rick Sanchez cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. A gorgeous bit of intel — Hasbulla once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 24, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' Quicksilver spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. The messiah reads the movement before anyone else and puts Andrew Tate into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Andrew Tate overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

And that's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Quicksilver climbs onto Jesus Christ's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Quicksilver circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Rick Sanchez keeps it short to Jesus Christ, no frills, just good football intelligence. Jesus Christ sees what nobody else sees and puts Andrew Tate through on goal with a genius through ball.

Quicksilver smashes a volley towards Sean Combs, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Sean Combs floats a ball towards Stewie Griffin but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Textbook tackle from Rosa Parks there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Rosa Parks to Stewie Griffin, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. The player gets to the byline and floats one in for Rick Sanchez. Crossing is his bread and butter.

Jesus Christ slides a beauty through the gap, Rick Sanchez is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. The revolutionary was beyond the last man when Sean Combs played it. Clear offside. Quicksilver opts for the short option to Sean Combs, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Perfectly executed challenge by Sean Combs, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb.

The serial killer finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Hasbulla clean through. Pure genius from that position. Hasbulla absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. The internet celebrity sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them.

They've scored! Dakar Teranga FC break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Perfect back flip from Quicksilver right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Andrew Tate tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Quicksilver has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Quicksilver plays it along the ground to John Wayne Gacy, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. The serial killer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

That hurts. Jesus Christ leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Rick Sanchez stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Jesus Christ nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-3 (L)

GOAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Right-footed cross from Sean Combs, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Jesus Christ. NOOOO the messiah scores an own goal! In that position, this is the kind of thing that HAUNTS you. You try to do the right thing, you try to clear the danger, and you end up putting the ball in your own net. The ULTIMATE nightmare.

Three-man routine: Sean Combs, Rick Sanchez and Quicksilver do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. The messiah cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Erika Kirk. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Poacher's goal from Erika Kirk! The keeper spilled it and Erika Kirk prods the ball into the net.

Jesus Christ runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Rosa Parks gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Lay-off from Stewie Griffin to Andrew Tate out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Floated cross from Andrew Tate off the right, Rosa Parks has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Diving header from Rosa Parks on the cross from Hasbulla! Beautiful effort but it is wide, gutting!

Free kick to the opponents. Erika Kirk caught his man with a stray leg. The ref shows yellow to Erika Kirk. Can't keep haranguing the officials like that. Clever free kick from Erika Kirk to Rosa Parks, they play it short to cut out the wall. JUST WIIIIIDE from Rosa Parks! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Sean Combs takes the hit without responding. John Wayne Gacy drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Now Rick Sanchez — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3344 and answer this question: 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Stewie Griffin wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

GOAAAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Quicksilver. Stewie Griffin is on his knees clapping, Quicksilver is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

The civil rights activist switches the play to Erika Kirk, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Aerial duel won by the philanthropist, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Erika Kirk launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Aerial duel lost by Andrew Tate, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced.

The player bounces off Rick Sanchez for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Stewie Griffin beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Short build-up from Stewie Griffin to Erika Kirk, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Erika Kirk bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Sean Combs slides it to John Wayne Gacy, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. John Wayne Gacy strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

Hasbulla rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Andrew Tate. The far side is completely deserted. Andrew Tate shifts it wide to Jesus Christ on the right, lovely ball into the space. Cross from Jesus Christ, he puts it on the far post for Sean Combs.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. Rick Sanchez scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Jesus Christ launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Stewie Griffin, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

And there it is, Douala Makossa-Corner score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Quicksilver stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. John Wayne Gacy follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Quicksilver plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Chipped cross from Sean Combs over the defensive line, John Wayne Gacy is there to meet it. John Wayne Gacy tries the volley from 20 yards, the technique is fantastic but the ball refuses to go in. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

It's done. Douala Makossa-Corner win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Rosa Parks and Rick Sanchez walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many episodes of Bargain Hunt equal one real emotion?'. The answer was of course 347, though episode 212 did feature a man who nearly smiled at a vase. Shirley wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

It's hit the back of the net! Lagos No-Carry-Last lead and we look completely lost.

Quicksilver sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Erika Kirk photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. GOOOOOAL for John Wayne Gacy! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

Three-man routine: John Wayne Gacy, Hasbulla and Quicksilver do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Sean Combs burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. PENALTY for Sean Combs! He is pushed in the back by the defender inside the box. The referee SAW the foul and points to the spot. The PRESSURE is immense! The ref is at the monitor, watching the replay over and over. The suspense is killing everyone. The philanthropist sees his penalty denied by VAR! In that role, you'll try anything to get an edge. Quicksilver fires it out quickly by hand to Spider-Man, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Clearance from the superhero towards Rosa Parks, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Bad pass from the civil rights activist, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Rick Sanchez presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. The player has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was. Corner from Stewie Griffin well taken but the defence does its job, cleared comfortably. Lovely interception from Rosa Parks, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. The civil rights activist lays it off first time to John Wayne Gacy, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Rosa Parks shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Jesus Christ picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Now this is class — Sean Combs once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 57 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' Back on the pitch and Rick Sanchez is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Crunching tackle by Rosa Parks on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Emergency clearance from the civil rights activist, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Jesus Christ loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do. The superhero gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

High recovery from Sean Combs who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Sean Combs beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Sean Combs goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Quicksilver distributes short to Erika Kirk, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Commanding header from Rick Sanchez who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Rick Sanchez did not budge an inch. Rick Sanchez plays it simple to Andrew Tate, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

John Wayne Gacy releases Jesus Christ with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Cruel cruel cruel! Jesus Christ finishes from Sean Combs's pass but he's half a yard offside. Goal disallowed! Monster clearance from Quicksilver, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Hasbulla.

The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. The serial killer sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. The superhero plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Lay-off from Spider-Man to Jesus Christ, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Aerial claim from the superhero, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. Quicksilver launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Jesus Christ after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Jesus Christ pings a ridiculous diagonal to Andrew Tate. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Honours even. Quicksilver finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Rick Sanchez walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Rosa Parks spreads it to Spider-Man, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. What a BULLET from Spider-Man! Strike from 28 yards, the ball flies through the air and ends in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Knee slide from Rosa Parks right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Hasbulla does the same down the line. Quicksilver turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Relentless pressure, the back line is groaning under the weight. Stewie Griffin flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan.

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. Oh what a challenge! Rosa Parks goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Rosa Parks slips John Wayne Gacy in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Sublime through ball from John Wayne Gacy for Stewie Griffin who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Rick Sanchez. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. The timing is everything: Rick Sanchez releases the ball at the perfect moment and Stewie Griffin explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Tight offside against the player, Sean Combs's through ball deserved better than that.

Stewie Griffin chains an elastico into a step-over, the defender is completely disorientated. GO ON Stewie Griffin! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists!

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Jesus Christ winces. Rick Sanchez looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Stewie Griffin once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 28-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' The second period begins and Spider-Man launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. What courage from Quicksilver! He dives in among the studs and smothers the ball. The keeper is A WARRIOR! Rosa Parks clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Rosa Parks slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

GOAAAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Lovely use of the ball by Rick Sanchez, finding Andrew Tate in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Deflected shot from the mixed martial arts fighter, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect. Jesus Christ puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. Spider-Man boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Cross from Sean Combs too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect. Quicksilver plucks the ball out of the air with total assurance. The defence breathes, the keeper is watching. Rosa Parks puts it right into the feet of Stewie Griffin, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Sean Combs spots Jesus Christ peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Looping cross from Jesus Christ, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Stewie Griffin. Danger. Stewie Griffin connects with his forehead but it sails into the sky. The technique was there, the aim was not.

The civil rights activist hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Rapid combination: Hasbulla to Stewie Griffin, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Nutmeg from Stewie Griffin on the defender, the humiliation is absolute.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Stewie Griffin shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Sean Combs goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. The player sends a cannonball on the pass from Erika Kirk, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

Stewie Griffin mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Andrew Tate plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Quicksilver plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Stewie Griffin takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. The player sets up Hasbulla with a pull-back inside the eighteen. When you have got that footballing brain, you change matches. Golden chance WAAASTED by Hasbulla! Andrew Tate plays the perfect ball, the goal is empty, and he misses. Incomprehensible. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening.

The tension is unbearable, you can only hear the shouts on the pitch. Shot from the mixed martial arts fighter, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over.

Incredible burst of pace from Sean Combs, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. The philanthropist whips in a classic cross for Andrew Tate in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Cross blocked from the mixed martial arts fighter by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Rosa Parks clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

The corner from Stewie Griffin is headed away by a tall defender, nothing doing there. Panicked clearance from Stewie Griffin, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Stewie Griffin is biting {his} nails in the corner. Quicksilver stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. A bitter feud erupted between Quicksilver and a neighbour over wheelie bin placement. At 28, the 180-tall footballer reportedly moved the green bin three inches to the left — the council got involved. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' Jesus Christ leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Ball over the top from Andrew Tate, Hasbulla had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Marginal offside called on Hasbulla, John Wayne Gacy's through ball cut the defence open perfectly. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

Raking ball from the superhero to Rosa Parks, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Masterful aerial duel from Rosa Parks, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Rosa Parks powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Rosa Parks drills a low ball back for John Wayne Gacy, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread. BLOCKED! John Wayne Gacy hits it hard but the defender stands firm and deflects it for a corner.

Superb tackle from the superhero, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Short pass from the superhero to Rick Sanchez, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Short pass from the revolutionary to Rosa Parks, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Rosa Parks clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Jesus Christ gets across the near post first. Cross from Jesus Christ repelled by the defence in the heart of the area. It is not getting through.

Absolutely dreadful! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Quicksilver and Jesus Christ do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Quicksilver arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. The philanthropist winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Long kick from Quicksilver, John Wayne Gacy positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. The serial killer has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Quicksilver plays out from the back with Rick Sanchez, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. The revolutionary finds Rosa Parks along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Perfect parity. Spider-Man slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Jesus Christ watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

One laser pass from Sean Combs and the entire defence is eliminated, Stewie Griffin is through on goal. The space is enormous. GOOOOAL! Stewie Griffin places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Sean Combs, surgical finish!

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. John Wayne Gacy hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. John Wayne Gacy feeds Erika Kirk in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Oh dear oh dear! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Clearance from Spider-Man under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Quick one-two between Stewie Griffin and Rosa Parks, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Burst of speed from the serial killer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The referee awards a penalty for the serial killer! In that position, this is the kind of situation that raises the PRESSURE to maximum. Everything rides on the next few seconds. Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing. VAR correction against the serial killer! In that role you can't cheat — the video is watching. Quicksilver distributes by hand to Rosa Parks on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Hasbulla's eyes are bloodshot. Quicksilver looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." The lads in the dressing room have revealed that Quicksilver is obsessed with collecting those little Monopoly stickers from McDonald's. Last year he had four Park Lanes and no Mayfairs. Nearly had a breakdown. Standing at 180, the man has never looked so defeated. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' Andrew Tate spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Superb diagonal from the player to John Wayne Gacy, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. John Wayne Gacy takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Hasbulla to Erika Kirk, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Inch-perfect cross from Erika Kirk, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds John Wayne Gacy at the back post. John Wayne Gacy crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. The serial killer finds Erika Kirk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Line-breaking pass from Rick Sanchez! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Sean Combs picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Wasteful from Sean Combs on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Jesus Christ throws his arms up in frustration. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Raid from John Wayne Gacy starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score right on the stroke of half-time.

Monumental ball from Andrew Tate to Spider-Man, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Spider-Man sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Spider-Man picks out Sean Combs with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Burst of pace from Sean Combs on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Sean Combs bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Rosa Parks wins the aerial battle.

Erika Kirk drops a lofted ball to Sean Combs, it sails over the entire midfield line. Sean Combs reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Sean Combs to Rick Sanchez, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Superb defensive work from Jesus Christ there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Quick exchange between Jesus Christ and Andrew Tate, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Andrew Tate lays it off first time to Sean Combs, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Cross from Sean Combs off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Rick Sanchez at the far side. Cross from the revolutionary deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well.

It's over and Buenos Aires Pecho Frío take the points. Rosa Parks shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Jesus Christ walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

It's there! Rio Malandro FC tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Quicksilver mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Rick Sanchez plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Quicksilver plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Hasbulla finds Spider-Man between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Spider-Man pierces the backline with a low through ball, Hasbulla latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. GOOOOAL from Hasbulla! BLISTERING strike that ends top corner, the keeper is on the deck!

Hasbulla unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Spider-Man makes a heart sign with his hands. Quicksilver finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

It's there! Rio Malandro FC hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Quicksilver spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Andrew Tate gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Stewie Griffin loses the header, physically outmatched by his marker. It happens, but at this stage of the match it hurts. Quicksilver closes the top corner... with his foot! Impossible piece of goalkeeping, the ball goes for a corner. Tidy restart from Quicksilver along the deck to Jesus Christ, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. Monster clearance from Jesus Christ! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Change of flanks from Rick Sanchez, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Erika Kirk.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Quicksilver, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. A train mix-up saw Stewie Griffin end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 28-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' They are back. Stewie Griffin salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

The corner from the philanthropist is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. John Wayne Gacy hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. The dribble from John Wayne Gacy fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. The player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment.

Brilliant interception from Jesus Christ, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Poor decision from Jesus Christ on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it.

Ball in behind from the superhero, Hasbulla is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. The internet celebrity roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Mistimed tackle from Hasbulla, the attacker just skips past him without breaking stride. Dismissal for the player after fouling the attacker clean through. Last defender — he chose the red over the goal.

Good ball from the serial killer to Erika Kirk, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Sharp cut inside from Erika Kirk, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. Failed dribble from the philanthropist, the defender recovers. It happens, but in that role you expect better decision-making. Erika Kirk sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Erika Kirk hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

The superhero goes long for Stewie Griffin, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. The player dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Stewie Griffin clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Andrew Tate wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Sean Combs. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Big clearance from Andrew Tate under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

The superhero throws it out to Erika Kirk, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Erika Kirk with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Andrew Tate sends Rosa Parks into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Crucial intervention from the civil rights activist, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Royal interception from Rosa Parks! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Stewie Griffin puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins.

Final whistle, final nail. Sean Combs pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Spider-Man gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

It was bound to happen. Istanbul Cehennem FK score and honestly, we deserved that.

Hasbulla shifts it to Rick Sanchez with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. POST! Rick Sanchez hits the upright, the keeper was beaten but the goal says no! Hasbulla does the BUSINESS at point-blank range! On the pass from Sean Combs, he scores from two yards out, GOAL!

Hasbulla dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Jesus Christ thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Foul by the messiah, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it.

Emergency clearance from the revolutionary, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Free kick conceded by the messiah, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Jesus Christ picks up a deserved yellow, the elbow in the aerial duel was spotted.

One touch football: Hasbulla to Rosa Parks, faster than the opposition can think. Rosa Parks links up with Erika Kirk, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Erika Kirk beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. The philanthropist lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Erika Kirk stares at the carnage. Jesus Christ swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Roommates on away trips confirm Sean Combs sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 57, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Hasbulla is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The player finds Erika Kirk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Cut-back along the turf from the philanthropist for Rick Sanchez. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Miss of the season from Rick Sanchez! Erika Kirk serves him a peach and he puts it into row Z. You are dreaming. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Clearance from the superhero towards Rick Sanchez, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Rick Sanchez anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

GOAL for Istanbul Cehennem FK! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. The messiah lays it off first time to Sean Combs, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The philanthropist takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Low cut-back from Sean Combs, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate delivers a tidy ball to Rosa Parks, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Quicksilver throws it out quickly to Sean Combs, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. What a block! Sean Combs slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Sean Combs to Andrew Tate, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The mixed martial arts fighter lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

Rosa Parks intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Erika Kirk anticipates the run from Rosa Parks and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. OHHHH Quicksilver makes the right call! He comes out head-first and grabs the ball at the feet! Quicksilver goes long for Stewie Griffin, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

VAR has flagged something here, everyone is standing still waiting for the verdict. The video shows a much worse offence, Rosa Parks is sent off by VAR! Rosa Parks has throttled the opponent off the ball! The referee saw everything. Instant red. Nice combination started by the civil rights activist from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball.

Loss against Istanbul Cehennem FK and it stings. Hasbulla still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Jesus Christ follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

The internet celebrity plays the one-two with Rick Sanchez and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. Hasbulla picks up speed and FIIIRES with power! But it is also placed, the keeper can only watch. GOAL!

Hasbulla rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Quicksilver jumps on his back, Quicksilver is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Hasbulla goes for a desperate slide but he's about a mile away from the ball. Not his finest moment. Quicksilver grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. Corner cleared by the defence, the philanthropist was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations.

The civil rights activist plays it simple to Andrew Tate, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Quick exchange between Andrew Tate and Jesus Christ, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Clean lay-off from the messiah to Spider-Man into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. The assistant spots it, Spider-Man was offside by a whisker when Hasbulla played the ball.

It's a goal for Milano Piano-Piano! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Erika Kirk. Pure quality, as per usual. The philanthropist reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Erika Kirk spreads it to Spider-Man, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Great vision from Spider-Man who finds Erika Kirk in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. The linesman flags Erika Kirk offside and that is razor thin! Rosa Parks throws his arms up.

Andrew Tate is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Stewie Griffin puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Now Sean Combs has confessed — and this is genuine — that he cried during the final episode of Bake Off last year. Full tears. Soggy bottom and everything. The dressing room hasn't let him forget it, but at 180, nobody says it to his face. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Rosa Parks squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Quicksilver kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Rosa Parks takes a knee behind him. Quicksilver raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Sean Combs looks up and swings in a floated cross, Andrew Tate rises among the defenders. Volley from the mixed martial arts fighter! Gorgeous technique but it doesn't go in. In that role, the crowd applaud the audacity even though it missed. Short restart from Quicksilver to Andrew Tate, building from the back nice and tidy.

Magnificent tackle from Spider-Man! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Spider-Man to Erika Kirk, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Acceleration from Erika Kirk down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. The philanthropist plays it simple to Sean Combs, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Rick Sanchez gifts Rosa Parks a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Rosa Parks looks for Andrew Tate but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Sean Combs decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos. The philanthropist is fouled in the box, PENALTY! In that position, winning a penalty is a DEADLY weapon. The referee points to the spot, the tension is ELECTRIC. No goal! Sean Combs takes the penalty but the keeper dives and tips it away with his fingertips. Quicksilver lumps it long towards Hasbulla, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Complete suffocation, the opposition can't get past the halfway line. Sean Combs sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Sean Combs has it in buckets. The philanthropist finds Andrew Tate along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Massive punt from Quicksilver, sends the ball sixty yards, Stewie Griffin is scrapping for it up top. Stewie Griffin links up with Sean Combs, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. SO CLOSE! Sean Combs sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. The superhero goes long for Andrew Tate, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Jesus Christ stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Sean Combs peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. The player was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

Stewie Griffin mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Rick Sanchez plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Quicksilver applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Quicksilver boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Erika Kirk! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Diagonal from Erika Kirk to Hasbulla, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Ball into space from the internet celebrity for Stewie Griffin, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Low pull-back from Stewie Griffin across the turf, Sean Combs controls and shoots in one movement. That's a beauty from Sean Combs! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending.

Andrew Tate swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Spider-Man, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Pinpoint delivery from the superhero towards Rosa Parks, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The opponent gets the better of the civil rights activist in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak.

The messiah produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. The mixed martial arts fighter overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. One touch football: Andrew Tate to Erika Kirk, faster than the opposition can think. Superb pass from Erika Kirk into the gap for Spider-Man, the defender is rooted to the spot.

Full-pitch press, the centre-back panics and boots it into touch. The referee spots the foul by Rick Sanchez, a push in the back on the opponent. Inevitable booking for Rick Sanchez. He's been at it all match with these little fouls. Short free kick, Rick Sanchez to Spider-Man, tactical combination to unlock the defence. Spider-Man tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

Tactical debate in the corner. John Wayne Gacy wants to push higher. Rick Sanchez reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Rick Sanchez, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A train mix-up saw Andrew Tate end up in Scunthorpe instead of Southampton for an away match. The 40-year-old spent three hours in a Wetherspoons before the gaffer sent a minibus. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' John Wayne Gacy is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Rick Sanchez with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Rick Sanchez catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable.

They've scored! Sevilla Olé-Olé find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Quicksilver stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Erika Kirk follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Quicksilver plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Monster press from Erika Kirk! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. WHAT A MISS from Erika Kirk! Sends it into the clouds, about 15 yards over the bar. The superhero throws it out to Rick Sanchez, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Erika Kirk picks out John Wayne Gacy with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Hasbulla links up with Rosa Parks, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Overlap from the civil rights activist with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

Lovely anticipation from the messiah who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. The overlap from Stewie Griffin, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead.

Quicksilver plays it short to Hasbulla, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The internet celebrity opens up to Jesus Christ on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Error from the messiah, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Spider-Man boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Full time and it's level. Rosa Parks stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Sean Combs grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Stewie Griffin nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for John Wayne Gacy. That is exactly why he is out there. OOOOH the MONSTER strike from John Wayne Gacy! On the pass from Stewie Griffin, he unleashes an unstoppable missile!

Ferocious high press, the ball carrier is in full panic mode. The superhero trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. The superhero sees his free kick stopped by the wall! In that position, the wall is a CLASSIC obstacle, you have to keep trying. Andrew Tate delivers the corner and it's CHAOS in there! A defender hooks it off the line!

Quick throw from Quicksilver to Spider-Man out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Spider-Man wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Overlap from Spider-Man on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. The superhero launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Hasbulla fires the ball over to Rosa Parks with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

Rosa Parks puts it right into the feet of Spider-Man, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Great vision from Spider-Man who switches to Erika Kirk. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Erika Kirk goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Extraordinary run from Erika Kirk, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Stewie Griffin. And you, Sean Combs. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Teammates were gobsmacked when John Wayne Gacy revealed a hidden talent for competitive darts. At 84, the lad can hit triple-twenty blindfolded after three pints — Phil Taylor is shaking in his boots. And now, our TV game show Strictly Come Complaining! To win a strongly-worded letter template, text 3789 and answer: 'What is the correct way to complain about a lukewarm cup of tea in a cafe?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Hasbulla comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

John Wayne Gacy nudges the ball to Hasbulla from the free kick, the wall has been beaten by guile. Cross from the right by Hasbulla, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Andrew Tate at the back post. The cross from Andrew Tate is blocked by the centre-back. The back line is not letting anything through. Erika Kirk floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Jesus Christ triggers a change of flanks for Rick Sanchez, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Sean Combs slides it to Stewie Griffin, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Stewie Griffin catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. The ref books Stewie Griffin for cumulative fouling. You can only get away with so many. Stewie Griffin strikes the free kick and the wall rises in front of it. No way through. The philanthropist hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Long ball from Quicksilver for John Wayne Gacy who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. John Wayne Gacy launches it to Erika Kirk on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. One touch football: Erika Kirk to Rick Sanchez, faster than the opposition can think. Rick Sanchez lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Sean Combs down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them.

Disaster! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quicksilver legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Andrew Tate tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Shot from John Wayne Gacy, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Quicksilver sends an absolute rocket towards Jesus Christ, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. The messiah finds Andrew Tate along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Raking ball from the internet celebrity to Erika Kirk, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Stalemate at home. Rosa Parks and Jesus Christ embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Gerald from Bath says you simply tut loudly, stir aggressively, and leave a passive-aggressive TripAdvisor review. The letter template is his! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

The philanthropist bends the ball into the box for Rosa Parks. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. NOOOO that is not POSSIBLE! Rosa Parks scores an own goal! He deflects the shot from Stewie Griffin with an unfortunate touch and his keeper is beaten. The poor lad has TEARS in his eyes, this is terrible.

Full moonwalk from Sean Combs, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Stewie Griffin does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Quicksilver applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Rosa Parks cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. BOOOM the mixed martial arts fighter rocks the net! In that position, when you draw a strike like that, the whole stadium is on its feet. GOAL!

Corner from Sean Combs, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear! The revolutionary hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Aerial duel lost by Andrew Tate, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. DUEEEEL won by Quicksilver! He cut the line and gathered the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! Instinctive clearance from Rick Sanchez who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Hasbulla anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap.

GOAL! London Three-Pints strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Quicksilver spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Andrew Tate gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Spider-Man is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Stewie Griffin puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Rick Sanchez is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 28-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' And the second half is go! Rosa Parks charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Rick Sanchez with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Short build-up from Rick Sanchez to Erika Kirk, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The philanthropist roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Erika Kirk plays the simple ball to Andrew Tate, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

It's in! London Three-Pints take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Quicksilver and Sean Combs do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Quicksilver arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Wing switch from Stewie Griffin, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Jesus Christ brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Jesus Christ spreads the play and finds John Wayne Gacy in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. John Wayne Gacy whips in a cross at head height, Andrew Tate anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

Short distribution from Quicksilver to Rick Sanchez, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. The revolutionary roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Rick Sanchez mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. The ref reaches for yellow, Rick Sanchez has been pushing his luck with foul after foul.

Free kick from Erika Kirk looped in, the ball is dropped onto Hasbulla at the penalty spot. HEADER from Hasbulla! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Raking ball from the civil rights activist to Jesus Christ, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Quicksilver is at the centre, lifted up by Jesus Christ and Quicksilver, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. The ball from Rick Sanchez rips through the defensive curtain, Spider-Man is flying into the space like an arrow. CRAAACKER from Spider-Man outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide! The corner from the superhero is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Powerful run from Sean Combs, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. Sean Combs shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Quicksilver sparks the transition with a quick throw to John Wayne Gacy, the break is lightning fast. Aerial duel won by John Wayne Gacy, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

Full time. John Wayne Gacy applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Rosa Parks joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.