My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

Senku Ishigami puts the corner in, MELEE in the six-yard box! The ball bounces around, defense clears eventually! GOOOAL! Azula sneaks in front of the defender on the cross from Eren Yeager and prods the ball in at point-blank range. PERFECT!

GOAAAL for Paris Saint-Glinglin! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Godzilla launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Zuko after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Zuko charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Zuko slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. The warrior finally sees yellow after foul upon foul. Should know better at that position.

Azula finds Toph Beifong between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Toph Beifong eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Toph Beifong picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Godzilla sparks the transition with a quick throw to Sonic the Hedgehog, the break is lightning fast.

Long kick from Godzilla, Sanji positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Sanji plays it simple to Sonic the Hedgehog, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Body feint from Sonic the Hedgehog, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Godzilla stares at the floor. Satoru Gojo cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Sanji once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 28-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6688 and answer this question: 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Toph Beifong squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Godzilla plays it along the ground to Light Yagami, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. The detective reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Toph Beifong gifts Sanji a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Sanji reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle.

The revolutionary lays it off first time to Sakura Haruno, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Give and go between Sakura Haruno and Satoru Gojo, the timing is inch-perfect, the defender bit on the first touch. Offside against the ninja, who mistimed his run on Eren Yeager's pass. Godzilla goes long for Satoru Gojo, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Satoru Gojo anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Light Yagami looks up and launches a long pass towards Sanji. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Free kick swung in by Sakura Haruno, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Zuko is lurking. Zuko meets the cross from Sanji with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Switch from Sanji! The ball arcs over the midfield and Senku Ishigami collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Toph Beifong goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. WOOOW Sanji launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post! The corner from Sanji is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post.

Sakura Haruno wraps around the attacker like a python, the ref blows the whistle. Yellow card for Sakura Haruno, he clipped the heels of the attacker in full stride. Pure gamesmanship. Sakura Haruno delivers an inswinging free kick, Azula at the back post tries to get on the end of it. The warrior thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Short distribution from Godzilla to Sonic the Hedgehog, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Azula shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Zuko is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What speed does a rumour travel through a Wetherspoons?'. The answer was of course faster than light but slower than the service, which is technically impossible but somehow true. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

Lovely anticipation from the player who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Sonic the Hedgehog picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him. OOOH GOAL from Sonic the Hedgehog! On the assist from Senku Ishigami, he curls it along the deck and the ball sneaks into the corner!

Godzilla sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Sonic the Hedgehog, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Sanji threads a ball into the void for Toph Beifong, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. The warrior bends the ball into the box for Zuko. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Diving header from Zuko on the cross from Sakura Haruno! Beautiful effort but it is wide, gutting!

The player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Individual run from Sonic the Hedgehog, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Ball into space from Sonic the Hedgehog, Eren Yeager just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius.

Lovely cross from the revolutionary on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. Cross from Sonic the Hedgehog blocked at the defender's feet. The attempt comes to nothing. Corner from Senku Ishigami, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Sakura Haruno to Light Yagami, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Well-taken corner from the ninja but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. Clearance from the player towards Light Yagami, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. The detective produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Sonic the Hedgehog has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Senku Ishigami from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Light Yagami once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 40-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' Here come the lads. Senku Ishigami jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Toph Beifong gives it to Sakura Haruno into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Sakura Haruno feeds Azula in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Azula attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Superb tackle from the warrior, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night.

Intense pressing from the warrior, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. Quick exchange between Zuko and Sanji, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. The cook accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Cross far too long from Sanji, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post.

Lovely interception from Toph Beifong, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Toph Beifong unleashes a raking ball out to Satoru Gojo, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Burst of speed from the jujutsu sorcerer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. The jujutsu sorcerer gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. The detective boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Light Yagami shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. The ninja has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now.

The revolutionary produces a showpiece skill in open play. In that position, when you pull that off, you have got the entire stadium in the palm of your hand. Acceleration from Eren Yeager down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Cross from Eren Yeager too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect.

Three points in the bag! Sanji sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. Light Yagami drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

The free kick from Senku Ishigami is sent to the near post, Light Yagami rushes in to meet it. OG from Light Yagami and it is HEARTBREAK! He slips on the wet turf as he tries to clear the cross from Sanji and sends the ball into his own top corner. The kind of thing you do NOT tell your family about at dinner.

Oh that's poor! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Godzilla distributes by hand to Sanji on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Sanji launches it to Satoru Gojo on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. The jujutsu sorcerer beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill.

Diagonal from Eren Yeager to Sakura Haruno, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. The strike from Sakura Haruno is blocked by a heroic defender who throws his whole body in the way.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Foul by Light Yagami in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. The referee has lost patience, yellow card for Light Yagami. Foul after foul after foul. Light Yagami's free kick crashes into the wall, well defended.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Azula. And you, Toph Beifong. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Senku Ishigami attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 28-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Eren Yeager sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Godzilla smashes a volley towards Azula, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. The warrior is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Godzilla stretches every fibre and pushes the strike away! The ball loops out for a corner, what a save! The corner from the warrior was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish.

The scientist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Satoru Gojo. Pure quality, as per usual. Header won by Satoru Gojo, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Satoru Gojo bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Cut-back along the turf from the jujutsu sorcerer for Sakura Haruno. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Sakura Haruno shoots but it's deflected at the last moment by the defender who stuck his head in! What courage.

Senku Ishigami puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Eren Yeager comes steaming in. Eren Yeager gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Zuko hits the right post! The ball spins back into play, just centimetres from going in. Godzilla hoofs it forward towards Senku Ishigami, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Great vision from Satoru Gojo who switches to Azula. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Azula whips in a cross at head height, Toph Beifong anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Reflex save from the player! When your keeper makes that kind of stop, you want to win the match for him. Corner from Azula, Sonic the Hedgehog takes off and heads it but it is too high. Not coming down.

Godzilla throws it out quickly to Satoru Gojo, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. The jujutsu sorcerer dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Short pass from the jujutsu sorcerer to Light Yagami, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Light Yagami sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Senku Ishigami is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station.

Level score. Azula screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Satoru Gojo boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

Lovely use of the ball by Satoru Gojo, finding Azula in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The warrior wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. GOOOOOAL! Azula sniffed it out better than anyone, he was in the right place at the right time, IT IS IN!

Eren Yeager passes short to Sanji, the ball comes back, new delivery coming up. Sanji drills a low ball back for Sakura Haruno, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread. GOOOAL from the ninja at point-blank range! In that position, knowing how to be RIGHT on the penalty spot at the right moment is what makes you indispensable.

Eren Yeager runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Godzilla tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Godzilla catapults the ball towards Azula from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The warrior plays it simple to Toph Beifong, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The warrior opens up to Azula on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Overlap from the warrior with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Azula pulls it back along the ground for Senku Ishigami, that is the perfect cut-back!

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. The scientist overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. The scientist whips in a classic cross for Sakura Haruno in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Sakura Haruno completely miscues his cross, the ball ends up in the stands. Not his night. Godzilla fires it out quickly by hand to Azula, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Both teams are running on empty but still throwing bodies forward. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Ground pass from Eren Yeager into the free zone for Azula, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post.

Eren Yeager sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Toph Beifong sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Eren Yeager nods but does not look up. Here's one for the ages — Azula is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 180, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Marmite or Marmalade! To win a year's supply of both and a lifetime of arguments, text 4456 and answer: 'Is Marmite a food or a personality test?' Out they come. Senku Ishigami has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. The cook roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Sanji lobs it over the entire defence for Senku Ishigami, that is laser-guided. Godzilla rises higher than anyone and gathers with both hands. Masterful. The player finds Satoru Gojo with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. OHHH the rush from Godzilla! He read it, charged, and smothered the ball. ONE-ON-ONE WON! Light Yagami clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Azula sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Sakura Haruno pops up between two defenders. OHHH the header from the ninja goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Satoru Gojo caught red-handed pulling the attacker's jersey, can't complain about that one. Yellow card for Satoru Gojo, the accumulation of fouls made this inevitable. Satoru Gojo steps up for the free kick and blasts it wide. Miles off target.

What a mess! Dakar Teranga FC capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Godzilla legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Sakura Haruno tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

The player finds Sanji along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The cook shifts Sonic the Hedgehog into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Flag up! Sonic the Hedgehog is offside by the thinnest of margins on Eren Yeager's pass. Gutting. All eyes on the referee as he studies the screen. VAR is dragging this out. After all that wait, VAR denies Eren Yeager! Cruel blow!

Honours even. Zuko finds a corner of the dressing room, headphones on, eyes shut. Satoru Gojo walks past, taps his knee twice — silent support. The gaffer arrives: "We'll talk when everyone's ready. No rush." Well read, gaffer. Nigel from Margate says it's definitely a personality test and he failed it magnificently. A year of Marmite AND marmalade for Nigel! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Through ball from the warrior for Sakura Haruno, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The ninja was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

OOOH the HOWLER from Godzilla! He fluffs his clearance, the opponent punishes him instantly, total fiasco. GOAL for Zuko! On the cross from Senku Ishigami, he just has to stick out a foot, the ball ends up in the empty net. GOAL!

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. The warrior switches the play to Toph Beifong, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Duel lost by Toph Beifong, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball. The jujutsu sorcerer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Azula plays the free kick as a cross, Senku Ishigami finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown. Header from Senku Ishigami, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target. Godzilla takes his time and plays it short to Toph Beifong. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Light Yagami sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Azula sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Light Yagami nods but does not look up. Now Godzilla has a rather endearing habit — he names all his boots. Current pair are called Keith and Denise. He says Keith has better curl on him but Denise is more reliable in the wet. He's 180 and clinically unhinged. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0707 and answer this question: 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?' Sakura Haruno trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

It was bound to happen. Douala Makossa-Corner score and honestly, we deserved that.

Knee slide from Godzilla right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Light Yagami does the same down the line. Godzilla turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Sonic the Hedgehog scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Long ball from Toph Beifong to Sonic the Hedgehog, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

The block resists valiantly, not a single chance conceded. OHHH Godzilla pushes it for a corner with a perfect fingertip save! The attacker cannot believe it, that was in! The player throws it out to Light Yagami, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Eren Yeager anticipates the run from Light Yagami and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. The detective jumps the gun on Zuko's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. The player goes long for Eren Yeager, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Raking ball from the revolutionary to Senku Ishigami, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Light Yagami sends an aerial beauty to Eren Yeager, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Enormous leap from the revolutionary who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Eren Yeager rolls it to Toph Beifong, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

SCRAMBLE after the revolutionary's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. Massive clearance from the cook under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon.

Light Yagami gives it to Sonic the Hedgehog who returns it first time, Light Yagami ghosts past his man like he does not exist. The detective overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. The dribble from Light Yagami fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Toph Beifong reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately.

A draw — that grey zone. Zuko signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Sakura Haruno adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?'. The answer was of course existing, which frankly we all understood. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-2 (L)

Good ball from the jujutsu sorcerer to Senku Ishigami, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Senku Ishigami fires and it CRASHES off the crossbar! BAR! That was a certain goal! GOOOOAL from Sanji! On the rebound, he was 5 yards out, he prods it into the EMPTY net!

Godzilla lumps it long towards Senku Ishigami, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. One touch football: Senku Ishigami to Azula, faster than the opposition can think. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Eren Yeager tries his luck and it's a disaster. The ball goes so high it practically needs air traffic clearance.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Emergency clearance from the jujutsu sorcerer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Cross from Sakura Haruno far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

They've scored! Lagos No-Carry-Last break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Senku Ishigami, lift your head up. Azula, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." You won't believe this, but Azula has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Senku Ishigami squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Superb diagonal from the jujutsu sorcerer to Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The player rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Sonic the Hedgehog hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Massive clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Sonic the Hedgehog pings a ridiculous diagonal to Zuko. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Clean lay-off from the cook to Satoru Gojo into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Brilliant cut-back from Satoru Gojo along the grass for Azula. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. SHOOOOT from the warrior! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure. Corner from Azula, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box. Interception from Eren Yeager who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Eren Yeager. Lay-off from Eren Yeager to Senku Ishigami, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Ball over the top from Satoru Gojo, Eren Yeager had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Eren Yeager makes the run but he's gone too soon. Senku Ishigami's pass comes a split second late.

Change of flanks from Light Yagami, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Zuko. Error from the warrior, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Toph Beifong intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. The warrior shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Eren Yeager. Pure quality, as per usual.

Tidy restart from Godzilla along the deck to Sonic the Hedgehog, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Magnificent leap from Sonic the Hedgehog who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Overlap from Sonic the Hedgehog on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Sonic the Hedgehog plays it back in the area for Satoru Gojo, the defence is opened up like a book. SAAAAAVED by Godzilla! The strike was fizzing but the keeper dived and tipped it with his fingertips!

Massive punt from Godzilla, sends the ball sixty yards, Senku Ishigami is scrapping for it up top. Senku Ishigami senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Sideways ball from Senku Ishigami to Azula, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Tough one against Lagos No-Carry-Last. Azula and Light Yagami are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

The revolutionary presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Poacher's goal from Eren Yeager! The keeper spilled it and Eren Yeager prods the ball into the net.

Eren Yeager spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Sakura Haruno gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. The warrior finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Satoru Gojo clean through. Pure genius from that position. GOOOOAL! Satoru Gojo was lurking in the right place, he toes it in past the keeper.

Zuko mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Godzilla plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Godzilla applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Eren Yeager and Sonic the Hedgehog combine on the corner, neat little one-two at the flag. Driven cross from Sonic the Hedgehog into the box, Satoru Gojo arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. The jujutsu sorcerer sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters.

Light Yagami spots Senku Ishigami peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Senku Ishigami powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. The cross from the scientist ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

Sonic the Hedgehog sets it for Senku Ishigami, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Senku Ishigami pierces the backline with a low through ball, Sonic the Hedgehog latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Senku Ishigami, lift your head up. Satoru Gojo, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." A lovely bit of trivia here — Godzilla once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 28 at the time. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1133 and answer this question: 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?' Second half underway and Zuko is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

It's in the back of the net! Barranquilla Toque-Toque celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Satoru Gojo drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Light Yagami read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. The overlap from Light Yagami, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Lob from the detective over the defensive block for Toph Beifong. The bare minimum at this level, but delivered with diabolical precision. OHHH Toph Beifong rises and heads it just wide! That was so close!

Enormous clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing.

They've scored again! Barranquilla Toque-Toque are running riot and we can't cope.

Rehearsed move all week: Godzilla and Sonic the Hedgehog stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Godzilla plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Senku Ishigami spots Eren Yeager in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The revolutionary butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Foul by the jujutsu sorcerer, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. The free kick from Satoru Gojo sails across the entire box, Azula is at the back post waiting.

Godzilla opts for the short option to Senku Ishigami, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Senku Ishigami fires the ball over to Azula with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Azula shifts it to Sonic the Hedgehog with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Wicked through ball from Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball skims the grass and finds Sakura Haruno who had set off before anyone else even noticed.

Oh dear, Barranquilla Toque-Toque have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Godzilla and Sakura Haruno do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Godzilla arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Big clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Light Yagami spreads the play and finds Satoru Gojo in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Backpass from Satoru Gojo goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it.

Gutting. Sanji throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Godzilla picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway service station was once nominated for a BAFTA?'. The answer was of course Watford Gap, for its outstanding performance in the category of Sustained Disappointment. Maureen wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

Nightmare! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Light Yagami clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. The free kick from Light Yagami is superb, it picks out Sonic the Hedgehog unmarked in the box. GOOOOOAL! Sonic the Hedgehog climbs higher than anyone on the pass from Senku Ishigami and powers an UNSTOPPABLE header!

Light Yagami places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Toph Beifong falls to his knees bowing. Godzilla does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Short build-up from Zuko to Satoru Gojo, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Cut-back from Satoru Gojo, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Light Yagami. Light Yagami hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now!

Applying the tourniquet, it's become a case of when not if. Senku Ishigami delivers from the byline, Sonic the Hedgehog is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Corner from Sonic the Hedgehog, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! Sonic the Hedgehog shoots but it cannons off the defender's legs. The shot is denied.

Zuko drops a lofted ball to Senku Ishigami, it sails over the entire midfield line. Aerial duel won by the scientist, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

The boss is so angry he has gone quiet. That is when you know it is really bad. He speaks barely above a whisper: "In twenty years of management, I have never been so embarrassed. Never. Godzilla, you were a ghost out there. The rest of you were not much better." Every word lands like a hammer. A wonderful anecdote — Godzilla once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 28 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Godzilla trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Quick one-two between Sanji and Light Yagami, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The timing is everything: Light Yagami releases the ball at the perfect moment and Senku Ishigami explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Senku Ishigami burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

Azula slides it to Sonic the Hedgehog, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Sonic the Hedgehog fires a low ball back across the box for Eren Yeager, the defence is caught wrong-footed. Eren Yeager winds up and shoots, but the defender throws himself down and takes the ball in the stomach. Brave stuff. The warrior launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Aerial duel lost by the warrior, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast.

Senku Ishigami collects from Azula on the short corner, the combination could hurt them. The scientist plays it simple to Light Yagami, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Massive hit from Light Yagami, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Godzilla dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Azula lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Short restart from the player to Sonic the Hedgehog, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Sonic the Hedgehog hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

Frenzied press, two players jumping on every touch. The scientist gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Decisive interception from the ninja, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Eren Yeager takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Eren Yeager over the entire defence, Light Yagami is alone at the far side. Just needs to finish. Godzilla gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. The player finds Toph Beifong with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

A loss that will linger. Sonic the Hedgehog drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Satoru Gojo texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-0 (W)

Smooth transition from Toph Beifong to Sakura Haruno, no delay, the game keeps flowing. The post denies Sakura Haruno! The keeper was beaten, only the woodwork said no. The ninja pops up in the right place on the cross from Zuko! In that position, that kind of presence in the box is what turns you into a goalscorer. GOAL!

The warrior puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. The player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Superb diagonal from the player to Zuko, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Crucial intervention from the warrior, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Rapid combination Azula-Satoru Gojo, the one-two rips through the midfield. That is snooker. Azula puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Pull-back from the warrior for Senku Ishigami in the area. The bare minimum at that level, but delivered with perfect timing.

Godzilla boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Satoru Gojo! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Satoru Gojo pings a long diagonal to Eren Yeager, completely shifts the point of attack. Eren Yeager links up with Azula, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Azula looks up and swings in a floated cross, Toph Beifong rises among the defenders.

Senku Ishigami sends Satoru Gojo into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Satoru Gojo wants to find Sanji between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. The scientist embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Toph Beifong stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Sakura Haruno bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. Godzilla is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 28-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' And the second half is go! Sanji charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Godzilla finds Sonic the Hedgehog with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. The player lays it off first time to Zuko, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Shot from Zuko, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. The player finds Sonic the Hedgehog with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Elastico from the warrior, the defender is bamboozled. That kind of showmanship in that role is the X-factor that makes the difference. Zuko hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Zuko gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Sakura Haruno.

Perfectly executed challenge by Toph Beifong, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. One laser pass from Toph Beifong and the entire defence is eliminated, Zuko is through on goal. The space is enormous. The player rushes out at the feet and smothers the ball! In that position, winning a duel like that is what separates a good keeper from a great one. The player finds Zuko with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The warrior switches the play to Senku Ishigami, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Eren Yeager slides a beauty through the gap, Zuko is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Overlap from Zuko on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Cross from Zuko, he puts it on the far post for Light Yagami. The detective delivers the corner and it's pandemonium! In that position, a quality delivery into the danger zone is exactly what you need.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Rapid combination: Eren Yeager to Azula, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The warrior bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. Good ball from the warrior to Zuko, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

FULL TIME! Toph Beifong jumps on Light Yagami's back for a piggyback ride toward the dugout. The bench erupts. The kitman is doing a jig nobody asked for. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío shake hands and disappear, but we're staying. This moment deserves to be savoured. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Good cross from the scientist for Sonic the Hedgehog in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. ACROBATIC GOAL from Sonic the Hedgehog! A SPECTACULAR scissor kick on the cross from Sakura Haruno! He rotates in mid-air and strikes the ball with POWER and SURGICAL precision! INTO THE NET!

Senku Ishigami mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Godzilla applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. GOAL! The ninja chips the ball over the keeper! In that position, that audacity and composure is what sets you apart from the rest. SUMPTUOUS lob, that is WORLD CLASS!

Raw emotion: Sakura Haruno cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Godzilla crouches beside him and speaks softly. Godzilla jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Light Yagami clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Monster clearance from Godzilla, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Satoru Gojo. The jujutsu sorcerer opens up to Sanji on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Sanji spreads it to Zuko, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Azula to Senku Ishigami, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Senku Ishigami swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Sakura Haruno, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Right-footed cross from Sakura Haruno, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Senku Ishigami. Poor cross from the scientist, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

Sakura Haruno puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. The ninja reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. The ninja lays it off first time to Light Yagami, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Godzilla: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Light Yagami, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Senku Ishigami once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 28-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' Back on the pitch and Light Yagami is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

GOAAAL! Rio Malandro FC score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Free kick from Azula looped in, the ball is dropped onto Satoru Gojo at the penalty spot. Cross from Satoru Gojo cleared at the near post by the defence, that is frustrating. Corner from Zuko into the danger zone but the defence stands firm, headed away. Satoru Gojo switches the play to Zuko on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Long ball from Godzilla for Sanji who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Header lost for Sanji, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. Lovely high take from Godzilla! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Good ball from the detective to Sonic the Hedgehog, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Sonic the Hedgehog picks out Satoru Gojo with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Zuko sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Sonic the Hedgehog. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. That is a tackle of the highest order from Sonic the Hedgehog. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Sonic the Hedgehog lays it off first time to Azula, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Oh dear oh dear! Rio Malandro FC score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Godzilla fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Sanji plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Good ball from the warrior to Light Yagami, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Massive diagonal from Toph Beifong! Light Yagami receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Lovely take from Godzilla! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. The player goes long for Eren Yeager, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. With one swing of the boot, Eren Yeager finds Zuko on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open.

Points shared. Light Yagami sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Godzilla crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

Corner from Azula, it drops in the six-yard box, CHAOS! A defender wellies it clear! GOOOOL from Satoru Gojo! Tap-in from 3 yards, on the cross from Zuko, the empty net was waiting, job done. GOOOAL!

Free kick from Azula played as a cross, Light Yagami positions himself at the far post. The cross from the detective is blocked by a defender. That is the risk when you deliver from that area, the defence is watching. Clearance from Senku Ishigami under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The opponent beats Eren Yeager to the near post and wins the header. Eren Yeager was caught on his heels.

The detective intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Light Yagami rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Sanji. The far side is completely deserted. Superb defensive work from Sanji there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! The cook opens up to Zuko on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Ball into space from the warrior for Light Yagami, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

The warrior floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Corner from Toph Beifong, the ball's pinballing around the box, bodies everywhere, defense finally clears! The shot from Light Yagami is blocked, the defender put his body on the line. Emergency clearance from Satoru Gojo, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

The warrior produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. The warrior roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Inch-perfect cross from Azula, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Sonic the Hedgehog at the back post. Sonic the Hedgehog sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Light Yagami. And you, Sanji. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. A bitter feud erupted between Azula and a neighbour over wheelie bin placement. At 28, the 180-tall footballer reportedly moved the green bin three inches to the left — the council got involved. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' Satoru Gojo leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Godzilla plays out from the back with Satoru Gojo, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. It falls apart for Satoru Gojo, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. The scientist spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Light Yagami. That is exactly why he is out there. Light Yagami tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it.

Sakura Haruno sends an inswinging free kick in, Azula rises for the header at the far post. Azula climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste.

The player goes to ground but the attacker just breezes past. In that position, you've got to stay on your feet longer before committing. Poor handling from Godzilla, parries it straight in front of him! The ball is loose, danger at its peak! Instinctive clearance from Toph Beifong who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Eren Yeager has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Monumental ball from Senku Ishigami to Sanji, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. It is not happening for Sanji, the pass to Toph Beifong is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

High recovery from the warrior who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. The warrior plays it simple to Senku Ishigami, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Powerful run from Senku Ishigami down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. The cross from Senku Ishigami is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure.

Level score. Sakura Haruno screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Senku Ishigami boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

Phenomenal run from Sanji, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. Sanji storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Sanji! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Disaster! Milano Piano-Piano score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. The warrior unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon. Zuko puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. Classy interception from Light Yagami, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Little shift from Light Yagami to Zuko, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Lightning one-two between Senku Ishigami and Satoru Gojo, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue. The opponent is bundled over by Senku Ishigami. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for the scientist, too many fouls stacking up. That role demands discipline.

The revolutionary pulls out a roulette on the defender. In that position, a skill move like that is the cherry on top. OHHH what a strike from Eren Yeager! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Sakura Haruno stares at the floor. Azula cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. We can exclusively reveal that Toph Beifong, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Azula picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Firm pass from Eren Yeager into Azula, right into the boots. No waste. Azula reads the movement from Sanji and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. The cook gets to the byline and floats one in for Satoru Gojo. Crossing is his bread and butter. Oh my word, the scramble from Satoru Gojo's corner! Three attempts blocked, the defense survives by the skin of their teeth!

Satoru Gojo slips Azula in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Azula tries the one-two with Toph Beifong and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Azula wins the battle without even touching the opponent. No question about that one, Azula was clearly offside when Eren Yeager released the pass. The player throws it out to Senku Ishigami, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Senku Ishigami sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable.

Driven kick from Godzilla to Sakura Haruno, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Sakura Haruno is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better. Godzilla stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Azula and a header from Eren Yeager but it goes over! He had to hit the target there.

Beautiful distribution from Godzilla to Sonic the Hedgehog, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. The player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Pull-back from Sonic the Hedgehog in the area, Sanji is in the perfect position to shoot. SAAAAVED by Godzilla! The strike was arrowing into the top corner and he pushes it wide. What a keeper!

Inch-perfect tackle by Toph Beifong, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. Zuko winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out! The corner from the warrior is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners.

They've done it! Milano Piano-Piano find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Godzilla kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Light Yagami takes a knee behind him. Godzilla raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Brilliant switch of play from Sonic the Hedgehog! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Light Yagami. Light Yagami crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Satoru Gojo is in the right place. The player plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed.

Gutting. Senku Ishigami throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Light Yagami picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-1 (L)

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

The press is suffocating, the opposition can't play out cleanly at all! The press from Azula pays off immediately, the defender makes a mess of it and Azula pounces. A forced gift. What a GOAL from Azula! On the cross from Eren Yeager, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

Godzilla sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Azula, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

The player goes long for Toph Beifong, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Toph Beifong goes crossfield to Eren Yeager, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Bad pass from the revolutionary, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Sonic the Hedgehog throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Zuko accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Wasted cross from the warrior, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses. Godzilla sends an absolute rocket towards Eren Yeager, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Eren Yeager triggers a change of flanks for Sanji, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. The warrior lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Godzilla plays it short to Sonic the Hedgehog, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Underhit ball from Sonic the Hedgehog, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Sonic the Hedgehog, you go left. Toph Beifong, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Sakura Haruno claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 28 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6060 and answer this question: 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Satoru Gojo leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Short restart from the player to Azula, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Azula reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Azula was quicker. Good ball from the warrior to Zuko, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Body feint from the warrior, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Zuko sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Sanji in the thick of it.

Sakura Haruno refuses the direct delivery and plays short to Satoru Gojo, they're taking their time. The jujutsu sorcerer lays it off first time to Toph Beifong, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Poor decision from Toph Beifong on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

The warrior reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Toph Beifong keeps it short to Azula, no frills, just good football intelligence. Burst of speed from Azula, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Azula plays the simple ball to Senku Ishigami, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

The ninja opens up to Zuko on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The warrior misplaces his pass to Azula, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Zuko launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric!

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Brilliant opening from Zuko for Azula, frees up the entire left flank.

The whole team steps up to smother the build-up, the opposition is gasping. Turnover from Sonic the Hedgehog, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Light Yagami reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

1-1. Toph Beifong and Godzilla are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Toph Beifong. "Next time," replies Godzilla. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?'. The answer was of course Shropshire, where the Cheddar Protection Act of 1903 remains in force. Geraldine wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

It's there! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

The player commits an error BENEATH his level! In that position, you cannot afford that kind of gift, it is basic stuff. Satoru Gojo read the trajectory of the cross from Eren Yeager perfectly! Tap-in from 4 yards, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

High recovery from Sanji after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. GOOOOAL from Sanji! The ball was loose, he sniffed it out and BANG, in off the toe!

Sanji slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Godzilla photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Eren Yeager beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. PENALTY! The defender brings Eren Yeager down in the box with a CLUMSY tackle! The referee blows immediately. The match could pivot on this very MOMENT! Penalty missed for Eren Yeager! The goalkeeper has produced a MONUMENTAL save to rescue his side. Senku Ishigami clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Eren Yeager takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. Azula launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Zuko, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Zuko puts it right into the feet of Sakura Haruno, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The ninja roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Azula sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Godzilla sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Azula nods but does not look up. Azula once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 28, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Godzilla picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

And that's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Senku Ishigami delivers a tidy ball to Eren Yeager, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Telepathic pass from Eren Yeager to Light Yagami, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Overlap from Light Yagami with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Pinpoint delivery from the detective towards Senku Ishigami, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Dangerous corner from the scientist, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable.

Short restart from Godzilla to Eren Yeager, building from the back nice and tidy. Eren Yeager tries to pick out Sakura Haruno on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Brilliant pass from Satoru Gojo! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Light Yagami is onto it.

A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Sonic the Hedgehog tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. Sonic the Hedgehog finally gets the card he's been asking for. Too many fouls to ignore. Free kick stopped! Sonic the Hedgehog shoots but the defensive wall does its job. Well defended. The player finds Eren Yeager with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Panicked clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Wing switch from Satoru Gojo, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Senku Ishigami brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Senku Ishigami beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss.

The team cranks up the pressure, their midfielder gives it straight back. Trip by Azula, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. The warrior sends his free kick into the stands. In that position, when you are on dead ball duty, you need to at least make the keeper work.

Eren Yeager pulls out an elastico from nowhere, the defender is bamboozled. That is showtime. LOOONG range effort from Eren Yeager! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

1-1. Godzilla and Sonic the Hedgehog are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Godzilla. "Next time," replies Sonic the Hedgehog. And they vanish into the tunnel. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

The player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Sonic the Hedgehog spots the run from Toph Beifong and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! What FINESSE on the strike from Toph Beifong! On the cross from Sanji, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

Sonic the Hedgehog dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Lightning overlap from Azula, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. PENALTY! Azula is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! The referee is reviewing the footage, taking his sweet time. The fans can barely watch. Azula wasn't fouled! VAR is clear, no penalty! Godzilla distributes short to Zuko, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Satoru Gojo intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Crossfield pass from Satoru Gojo to Sakura Haruno, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. The player narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Sonic the Hedgehog heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

Oh that's terrible! London Three-Pints score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Godzilla punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Unconfirmed reports suggest Eren Yeager received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 28-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' The gaffer gives Godzilla one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Godzilla runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Swarming press, the opposition doesn't know which way to turn. Azula flies into the ball carrier and forces the mistake. Ball won back in the opposition half, that is exactly the plan. Big strike from the warrior, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Godzilla dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Light Yagami cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Azula puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. What a claim from Godzilla! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful. Godzilla rolls it short to Toph Beifong into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Quick throw from Godzilla to Light Yagami out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Light Yagami changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Zuko. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Good ball from Zuko to Sanji, playing it quick between the lines.

Godzilla sparks the transition with a quick throw to Azula, the break is lightning fast. Azula slides it to Senku Ishigami, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Monster press from Sakura Haruno! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. The ninja cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Sonic the Hedgehog. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Sonic the Hedgehog lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

It's over and London Three-Pints take the points. Sakura Haruno shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Godzilla walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.