My dream soccer team — football_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Decisive interception from the superhero, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Cristiano Ronaldo winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Iron Man mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Zeus plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Spider-Man plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Wally West thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Wally West wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. The superhero roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Wally West delivers a tidy ball to Wally West, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Spider-Man plays out from the back with Zeus, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Zeus changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Jesus Christ. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. The messiah gets to the byline and floats one in for Zeus. Crossing is his bread and butter. The cross from Zeus is cut out at the near post, the defender read it perfectly.

Jesus Christ charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. PENALTY! Jesus Christ is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! Penalty completely missed by Jesus Christ! The shot goes two yards wide of the post. Dreadful.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Heroic recovery from the superhero, covers the entire pitch to come and help out. In that role, it's that warrior mentality that makes all the difference. Foul by the superhero, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Lionel Messi, stop dropping deep. Cristiano Ronaldo, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Iron Man sparked a full dressing room meltdown by declaring custard creams superior to bourbons. At 28, the 180-tall midfielder stood firm while chaos erupted — the manager had to intervene with a tin of Foxes assortment. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Jesus Christ knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Smooth transition from Zeus to Cristiano Ronaldo, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Clumsy challenge from Cristiano Ronaldo, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul.

Zeus delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid! Panicked clearance from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Aerial duel lost by the superhero, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast.

And there it is, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Superb diagonal from the messiah to Zeus, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The superhero is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Wally West scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Sideways ball from Zeus to Jesus Christ, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Wide open both ways, whoever scores next wins it. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Jesus Christ spots the gap and sends Jesus Christ into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open.

Lionel Messi fires the ball over to Jesus Christ with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. The messiah butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Lionel Messi boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Diagonal from Lionel Messi to Wally West, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Full time and it's level. Jesus Christ stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Cristiano Ronaldo grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

Zeus to Iron Man, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Wall pass between the superhero and Iron Man, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. GOOOAL from the superhero in genius mode! In that position, when you have that ability to make the difference all on your own, you win the impossible matches.

Zeus climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Jesus Christ films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The corner from Zeus finds Wally West who heads it, goes over the bar. Missed chance. Clearance from the superhero towards Jesus Christ, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Jesus Christ bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Jesus Christ curls a cross to the near post, Jesus Christ is lurking in the box.

Wally West gives it to Iron Man and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection. Wally West plays it back across the floor in the box, Jesus Christ receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back. SAAAAVED by Spider-Man! The strike was arrowing into the top corner and he pushes it wide. What a keeper! Spider-Man plays it short to Wally West, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The superhero gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level.

Iron Man launches himself on the corner from Zeus and powers a header but it is off target. Tidy restart from Spider-Man along the deck to Iron Man, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Burst of speed from the superhero down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Low cut-back from Iron Man, Cristiano Ronaldo arrives at pace and can hit it first time.

The superhero launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. The messiah opens up to Zeus on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Cross far too long from Zeus, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post. Spider-Man takes his time and plays it short to Jesus Christ. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Spider-Man is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Zeus and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. Spider-Man turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 28-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' The gaffer gives Cristiano Ronaldo one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Cristiano Ronaldo runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Spider-Man opts for the short option to Wally West, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Wally West drops a lofted ball to Lionel Messi, it sails over the entire midfield line. Lionel Messi picks out Iron Man with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

The superhero wipes out the attacker with a horror challenge. Playing in that role demands composure, not carnage. The game is frozen while VAR does its work. These seconds feel like an eternity. VAR rules against the spot kick! Iron Man had gone down too theatrically! Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative.

Spider-Man launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Lionel Messi after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Firm pass from Lionel Messi into Iron Man, right into the boots. No waste. The superhero switches the play to Zeus, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Iron Man swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Zeus, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. The superhero slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Short build-up from Zeus to Lionel Messi, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Oh what a challenge! Wally West goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. The superhero finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Zeus clean through. Pure genius from that position. The superhero strays just offside on Iron Man's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal.

It's all over and it's OURS! Spider-Man leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Jesus Christ picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

Zeus presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. GOOOAL from the messiah! Pure poacher's goal. In that position, when you have that instinct, you turn the smallest scraps into gold.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Zeus, arms out like an aeroplane. Cristiano Ronaldo follows in like he's skiing. Spider-Man arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. GOOOOAL! Jesus Christ unleashes a thunderbolt, the keeper did not even see it!

The tempo has shot through the roof, the opposition can't cope. Jesus Christ puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery!

They've scored! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Spider-Man runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Iron Man gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The superhero goes long for Lionel Messi, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Lionel Messi lays it off first time to Zeus, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. It falls apart for Zeus, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

Tactical debate in the corner. Iron Man wants to push higher. Lionel Messi reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Lionel Messi, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Nutritionists are baffled by Jesus Christ's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 180 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1812 and answer this question: 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Spider-Man high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Oh that's poor! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

The free kick from Jesus Christ sails across the entire box, Wally West is at the back post waiting. Cross from Wally West deflected by the defence, Lionel Messi will not see the ball this time. Cristiano Ronaldo boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. The superhero loses his aerial duel, the opponent beat him in the air. In that position, losing a header can be very costly.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Little shift from Wally West to Jesus Christ, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Brilliant cut-back from Jesus Christ along the grass for Iron Man. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Iron Man just had to stick a foot out, open goal, inch-perfect service from Iron Man... and he puts it anywhere but the net. Devastating. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Relentless pressing, the opposition can barely breathe out there. The superhero intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Change of flanks from Iron Man, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Iron Man. Right-footed cross from Iron Man, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Zeus.

Spider-Man lumps it long towards Zeus, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Zeus keeps it short to Jesus Christ, no frills, just good football intelligence. Overlap from the messiah with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The messiah chips a lob over the defence for Iron Man. That kind of vision is rare in that position.

Oh my word, the scramble from Zeus's corner! Three attempts blocked, the defense survives by the skin of their teeth! Powerful effort from Cristiano Ronaldo, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper stretches and tips it over the bar.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. Spider-Man gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. Monster clearance from Spider-Man, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Wally West.

A draw. Jesus Christ claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Wally West tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?'. The answer was of course all 130 of them, with room left over for a small retail park. Shirley wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

3-1 (W)

Zeus looks up and swings in a floated cross, Iron Man rises among the defenders. The superhero produces a scissor kick for the AGES! In that position, having the coordination and AUDACITY to attempt that finish is what separates good players from GREAT ones. MAGNIFICENT GOAL!

The superhero produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Individual run from Wally West, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. GOOOOAL! Wally West lobs the keeper with a silky touch, the ball drops gently into the back of the net. That is MAGNIFICENT, pure velvet!

It's hit the back of the net! Dakar Teranga FC lead and we look completely lost.

Superb tackle from the superhero, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Cristiano Ronaldo executes a SURGICAL lob! The keeper came out to meet him and Cristiano Ronaldo punishes him by chipping the ball just over. That is ICE COLD composure, GOAL!

Wally West sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Jesus Christ snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Spider-Man waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Wally West puts in a desperate sprint to get back and it pays off, arrives just in time to clear. Wally West misjudges his tackle completely and catches the attacker full force on the calf. Straight red for the superhero after violent conduct. In that position, you simply cannot afford to lose your head like that. The wall does its job! Wally West's free kick is stopped dead.

Wally West mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. Spider-Man wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." A lovely bit of trivia here — Iron Man once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 28 at the time. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' And the second half is go! Iron Man charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. The messiah spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Wally West. That is exactly why he is out there. Wally West is ruled offside on Zeus's ball over the top, but that's incredibly harsh!

High recovery from Cristiano Ronaldo, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Devastating burst of pace from Cristiano Ronaldo, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Spider-Man smashes a volley towards Jesus Christ, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Jesus Christ charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

Superb defensive work from Wally West there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Wally West picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way!

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. OHHH the rush from Spider-Man! He read it, charged, and smothered the ball. ONE-ON-ONE WON! Spider-Man catapults the ball towards Jesus Christ from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The messiah shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Iron Man. Pure quality, as per usual.

Long ball from Spider-Man for Lionel Messi who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Lionel Messi reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. One touch football: Lionel Messi to Iron Man, faster than the opposition can think. SO CLOSE! Iron Man sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Superb! Jesus Christ jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Zeus waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Jesus Christ nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Wally West slides a beauty through the gap, Lionel Messi is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Lionel Messi pops up and pokes the ball with the tip of his boot, classic striker's goal!

'I told you so' mode. Wally West eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jesus Christ pulls Wally West away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The superhero reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. GOOOOOAL! Lionel Messi lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Cristiano Ronaldo and the ball nestles in the corner!

Massive punt from Spider-Man, sends the ball sixty yards, Jesus Christ is scrapping for it up top. The messiah misplaces his pass to Lionel Messi, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Through ball from the superhero for Zeus, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. The superhero has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

Wally West throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Jesus Christ accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

Short corner from the superhero to Jesus Christ, fine tactical intelligence. In that role, knowing when to cross and when to play short makes all the difference. Low cut-back from the messiah for Wally West. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. OH WHAT A HOWLER from Wally West! Jesus Christ serves it on a silver platter and he sends it over the bar! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Cristiano Ronaldo is doing an impression of Douala Makossa-Corner's manager and it is absolutely spot on. Arms flailing, face going beetroot, the lot. Wally West is in stitches, nearly choking on {his} energy gel. The gaffer lets it run for a minute before clapping his hands. "Right, settle down. We ain't done yet, but bloody hell, that was funny." A peculiar superstition from Cristiano Ronaldo — he has to tap the crossbar three times and whisper 'come on then' before every match. Nobody knows who he's talking to. The kitman thinks it's the ghost of a Victorian goalkeeper. He's been doing it since he was seventeen. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Iron Man squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Wally West feeds Jesus Christ in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Nutmeg from Jesus Christ, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Jesus Christ gives it to Jesus Christ into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Jesus Christ squares it back for Lionel Messi, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in. Spider-Man tips the shot around the post! Strong hand, cat-like reflexes, absolutely MASSIVE.

Switch from Jesus Christ! The ball arcs over the midfield and Jesus Christ collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Aerial duel won by Jesus Christ in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Short free kick from the superhero, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. JUST WIIIIIDE from Cristiano Ronaldo! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. The cross from Zeus is miles away from Jesus Christ, completely off the mark.

Everyone is sprinting, even the subs are banging on the hoardings. Zeus lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

Good ball from Iron Man to Zeus, playing it quick between the lines. Zeus sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Jesus Christ in the thick of it. Jesus Christ tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear. The superhero finds Jesus Christ with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Superb! Iron Man jogs toward the tunnel but stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the pitch under the lights. Wally West waits for him at the door: "Beautiful, isn't it?" Iron Man nods. They disappear inside. The muffled sound of celebration follows. Magic night. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-1 (W)

The superhero positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Iron Man picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him. GOOOOOAL signed by the superhero! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

Raw emotion: Iron Man cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Zeus crouches beside him and speaks softly. Spider-Man jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

The superhero cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Jesus Christ. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. GOOOOAL! Jesus Christ aims like a top finisher. The keeper was on the line but the ball went past him, in the net!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Zeus ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Lionel Messi leaps over him. Spider-Man walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Absolute peach from Jesus Christ, threading it through for Jesus Christ, the centre-halves are done for! Jesus Christ flagged offside on the pass from Iron Man, but you'd need VAR to see that! The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Lay-off from Zeus to Zeus, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Spider-Man boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Jesus Christ! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Massive diagonal from Jesus Christ! Iron Man receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Iron Man plays it simple to Iron Man, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Wally West boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Quick exchange between Iron Man and Wally West, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Jesus Christ is hoarding the fried eggs. Iron Man is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." Spider-Man has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 28, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7878 and answer this question: 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Wally West claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Instinctive clearance from Iron Man who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Lovely anticipation from the messiah who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Jesus Christ absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Burst of speed from Zeus, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Driven cross from Zeus into the box, Zeus arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. The cross from the superhero ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position.

Crucial intervention from the superhero, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Zeus takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. The superhero whips in a classic cross for Lionel Messi in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Oh no, it's in! Lagos No-Carry-Last punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Spider-Man scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Wally West is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Wally West links up with Cristiano Ronaldo, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Lightning overlap from Cristiano Ronaldo, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Cristiano Ronaldo reaches the byline and cuts it back for Iron Man arriving from the second wave. Poor cross from Iron Man, the ball sails three yards over the head of Zeus. Wasteful.

Wally West hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. The superhero lays it off first time to Jesus Christ, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Bad pass from the messiah, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter.

That's what it MEANS! Zeus rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Zeus catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Lagos No-Carry-Last are done. Absolutely done. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?'. The answer was of course a minimum of six, studies from the University of Barnsley confirm this. Gerald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-1 (W)

The superhero positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Cristiano Ronaldo gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

What a disaster! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

What positioning from Wally West! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. GOOOOL from Lionel Messi! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Full moonwalk from Wally West, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Zeus does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Spider-Man applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

The corner from Jesus Christ is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Lifesaving clearance from Wally West! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. The superhero plays it simple to Wally West, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Wally West strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. HEAD-FIRST rush from Spider-Man! He took every risk going and smothered the ball. HATS OFF! Spider-Man sparks the transition with a quick throw to Jesus Christ, the break is lightning fast. Jesus Christ opens up to Zeus on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent.

Iron Man mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. Spider-Man wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." Unbelievable but true — Iron Man has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 28 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Jesus Christ spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Lovely cross from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist. OHHH the header from the superhero goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. Jesus Christ lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Lionel Messi wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Beautiful distribution from Spider-Man to Wally West, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Aerial duel won by the superhero, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Wally West hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace.

Zeus launches it to Lionel Messi on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. What a block from the defender! Lionel Messi hit it well but the defender was right in the firing line.

The superhero catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Zeus goes for a direct free kick but it's blocked by the wall. Well positioned. Zeus hits his corner like a Sunday morning amateur, goes straight out.

Monumental ball from Jesus Christ to Zeus, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Aerial duel lost by Zeus, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Jesus Christ finds Zeus between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Enormous run from Iron Man to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. The superhero absolutely clatters the attacker with a wild lunge. That kind of recklessness has no place in that position. That's it for Iron Man, he's swung an arm at the opponent and caught him flush. Red card. Iron Man tries to go over the wall with the free kick but it hits it. Poorly calibrated.

That is a statement result! Wally West stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Iron Man joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. Barranquilla Toque-Toque won't forget this one. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

It's a goal for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Knee slide from Spider-Man right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Iron Man does the same down the line. Spider-Man turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

The superhero intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. GOOOAL from the superhero from way out! In that position, daring the strike from 30 yards and burying it is what makes you look like a genius.

Wally West mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Jesus Christ raises Wally West's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Spider-Man plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The superhero hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Jesus Christ triggers a change of flanks for Zeus, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Clean lay-off from the messiah to Jesus Christ into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. The messiah pulls it back along the ground for Wally West. The low cut-back is his trademark.

Solo raid from Zeus from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. The superhero shifts Iron Man into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. OH NO! Iron Man is offside by half a yard at most, Wally West's ball in behind was superb. Spider-Man goes long for Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. WIIIIIDE! Jesus Christ put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal. Spider-Man hoofs it forward towards Wally West, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Good ball from the superhero to Jesus Christ, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Cristiano Ronaldo is livid, gesturing wildly. Spider-Man chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." We're hearing that Wally West spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 28, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6060 and answer this question: 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Wally West sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Corner from Zeus, DANGER! Bodies flying in the box, a defender throws himself at it to clear! Wally West heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Iron Man is beaten in the air by his opponent, he could not compete.

Ball into space from Wally West, Iron Man just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. The overlap from Iron Man, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Iron Man lobs the defence with a silky chipped cross, Iron Man brings it down on his chest. Magnificent. Ball in the gloves of Spider-Man! Clean handling, the keeper does not flinch for a second. Spider-Man throws it out quickly to Jesus Christ, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Zeus tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try. Fingertip save from the superhero over the bar! When you have a keeper capable of that, your team breathes easier. Zeus meets the corner from Iron Man with a header, it drifts wide of the post.

Iron Man rolls it to Zeus, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Zeus fires a low ball back across the box for Wally West, the defence is caught wrong-footed.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Raking ball from the superhero to Iron Man, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Free kick conceded by the superhero, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Zeus combines with Zeus from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

1-1. Wally West and Iron Man are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Wally West. "Next time," replies Iron Man. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?'. The answer was of course Shropshire, where the Cheddar Protection Act of 1903 remains in force. Geraldine wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

The superhero earns a penalty by forcing the handball! In that position, that game intelligence is what turns matches on their head. Zeus takes a run-up and STRIKES! Penalty into the back of the net, the keeper went the other way. GOAL!

Spider-Man finds Iron Man with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Iron Man slips Zeus in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Zeus takes a run-up and FIIIRES from distance! It is an unstoppable rocket, the keeper had no chance, GOAL!

Spider-Man and Iron Man do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Spider-Man arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

They've scored again! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío are running riot and we can't cope.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Delicious through ball from Jesus Christ, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Zeus is there to gobble it up. The superhero unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon. Zeus takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Header missed from the corner by the superhero! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. Zeus clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Short pass from the messiah to Zeus, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The superhero finds Wally West along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Iron Man winces. Lionel Messi looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Unbelievable but true — Jesus Christ has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 2019 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Jesus Christ knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. The superhero trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Iron Man picks up a yellow for cumulative offences. The patience well has run dry. Free kick stopped! Iron Man shoots but the defensive wall does its job. Well defended. Spider-Man sends an absolute rocket towards Wally West, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Free kick to the opponents. Zeus caught his man with a stray leg. Free kick blocked for the superhero! In that position, when the wall stands firm, it's ROUTINE in football, you have to keep the faith. Cristiano Ronaldo hoofs the corner into the stands, goal kick. Absolutely embarrassing.

Wally West reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

Short restart from the superhero to Zeus, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Great vision from Zeus who switches to Jesus Christ. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Jesus Christ spreads it to Jesus Christ, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Oh no, Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Spider-Man stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Wally West follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Spider-Man plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Cristiano Ronaldo forces a pass to Jesus Christ who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. High recovery from Jesus Christ! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off.

Wally West cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Cristiano Ronaldo tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? Effort from Zeus, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way.

Perfect parity. Spider-Man slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Lionel Messi watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

It's there! Rio Malandro FC tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Spider-Man, arms out like an aeroplane. Iron Man follows in like he's skiing. Spider-Man arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Spider-Man distributes by hand to Lionel Messi on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Aerial duel won by Lionel Messi, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. GOOOOOAL! Lionel Messi dominates his marker and powers the ball into the net with his head. The cross from Zeus was worth its weight in gold!

Spider-Man mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Jesus Christ plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Spider-Man plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

'I told you so' mode. Spider-Man eyeballs the Rio Malandro FC bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Jesus Christ pulls Spider-Man away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. The LOB! The LOOOB! Zeus chips the ball and lobs the keeper with a DIVINE touch! The ball makes a perfect arc and settles into the goal. SUMPTUOUS!

Zeus slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Jesus Christ photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. OHHH Spider-Man sticks the foot out at point-blank range! The ball is pushed away, the keeper is HEROIC! Spider-Man fires it out quickly by hand to Iron Man, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

Jesus Christ stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Rio Malandro FC. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Jesus Christ cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Unbelievable but true — Zeus has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 28 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' Zeus trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

The corner from Jesus Christ is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert. Decisive glance from Zeus who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Wally West, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Huge tackle from Wally West! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away.

Zeus swings it in and it's BEDLAM in the box! The defense is clinging on for dear life! Big clearance from Cristiano Ronaldo under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Lionel Messi jumps but cannot match the height of his marker, duel lost. The opponent had an extra floor on him.

Dangerous delivery from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. The superhero tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. Jesus Christ boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The opponent dominates Cristiano Ronaldo in the air with worrying ease. Cristiano Ronaldo did not have the tools to compete on that one.

Iron Man sets it for Zeus, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Ground pass from Zeus into the free zone for Jesus Christ, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Offside by a toenail for the messiah, Zeus can't believe the flag went up. The referee is reviewing the footage, taking his sweet time. The fans can barely watch. Offside given by VAR — Cristiano Ronaldo's goal doesn't stand!

Wally West dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Just wide! Lionel Messi struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

Spider-Man plays it along the ground to Jesus Christ, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. The messiah reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Wicked through ball from Wally West, the ball skims the grass and finds Cristiano Ronaldo who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Magnificent tackle from Cristiano Ronaldo! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger.

Long kick from Spider-Man, Cristiano Ronaldo positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. What a leap from Cristiano Ronaldo! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Overlap from Cristiano Ronaldo on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

Draw. Iron Man sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Wally West waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Zeus sends in a curling delivery, Wally West peels off the back of his marker and finds space. The superhero scores an own goal! Nooooo! In that position, this is the kind of thing that destroys your confidence for WEEKS. He tried to anticipate, he ended up beating his own keeper.

Lovely interception from Wally West, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. Zeus does the striker's job! On the loose ball from Jesus Christ, he stabs with the tip of his boot, GOAL!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Wally West is at the centre, lifted up by Spider-Man and Spider-Man, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Istanbul Cehennem FK's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Stoppage time, legs are heavy but hearts are burning bright. Wally West puts it right into the feet of Lionel Messi, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Lionel Messi goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Lionel Messi just won it.

Spider-Man distributes short to Zeus, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Crossfield pass from Zeus to Jesus Christ, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. The messiah plays it simple to Zeus, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. What a ball from Zeus! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Lionel Messi is away on his own. That is velvet.

Lionel Messi switches the play to Jesus Christ on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Jesus Christ dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Lovely use of the ball by Jesus Christ, finding Lionel Messi in a tight pocket of space. Quality. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Jesus Christ has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Lionel Messi from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Spider-Man has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 28, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Spider-Man picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

The messiah puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. The superhero sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side. Wally West whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Superb diagonal from the messiah to Zeus, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

The messiah floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. The messiah rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Massive clearance from the messiah under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Zeus lobs it over the entire defence for Wally West, that is laser-guided. MAGNIFICENT volley attempt from Wally West! The technique is a 10/10 but the ball's trajectory is a 3/10. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Solidarity move: Spider-Man grabs Iron Man who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Iron Man a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Iron Man plays the simple ball to Wally West, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Wally West sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Crunching tackle by Wally West on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Ball into space from the superhero for Zeus, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

It's over and we've won it! Zeus grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Jesus Christ pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-1 (W)

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. The superhero devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. GOOOAL from Zeus with a LOB! The keeper tried to come out and Zeus punishes him with a GENIUS chip! The ball rises, rises, clears him and drops into the goal. MASTERFUL!

Zeus chips an aerial cross over the centre-halves, Zeus is under the dropping ball. Acrobatic overhead from the superhero! GOAL! In that position, that is the kind of finish that wins you the Puskas Award. A PERFECT scissor kick, PERFECT execution, PERFECT goal!

Zeus legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Iron Man tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Jesus Christ pings a ridiculous diagonal to Cristiano Ronaldo. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Backpass from Cristiano Ronaldo goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it. Zeus launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Zeus to Jesus Christ, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Jesus Christ whips in a cross at head height, Wally West anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

Zeus shifts it to Jesus Christ with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The messiah overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Good cross from the messiah for Iron Man in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Iron Man gets his cross all wrong, it goes straight out for a throw on the other side. Forget about that one.

The superhero fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Free kick from Iron Man but it hits the wall, no miracle today. Dreadful corner from Cristiano Ronaldo, goes straight out the other side, unmissable in its awfulness.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Wally West has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Lionel Messi from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. A delightful revelation — Wally West panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 28 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' The second period begins and Jesus Christ launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Spider-Man dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Enormous clearance from Wally West inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Rapid combination: Iron Man to Zeus, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Zeus wants to play it quick but the pass to Lionel Messi is wayward, lacking any precision. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. The superhero puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. Brilliant tackle from Wally West! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable.

Wally West sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Jesus Christ. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Overlap and cross from Jesus Christ, the ball drops at the feet of Iron Man in the heart of the box. Iron Man launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Iron Man was flying.

Corner cleared by the defence, the superhero was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Overlap from the superhero with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Cut-back along the turf from the superhero for Jesus Christ. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. The strike from Jesus Christ is blocked by a heroic defender who throws his whole body in the way.

Lionel Messi unleashes a raking ball out to Zeus, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Enormous leap from Zeus who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Lionel Messi crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

Full time, full joy! Zeus walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Wally West carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Milano Piano-Piano are yesterday's news. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Zeus sees Cristiano Ronaldo peel off and plays him in on the short corner, they're setting up the second wave. Cut-back along the deck from Cristiano Ronaldo, Iron Man pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. GOAL for Iron Man! The ball was loose after the strike from Jesus Christ, he was on the prowl and pokes it in!

They've scored! Sevilla Olé-Olé break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Corner from Zeus, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Wally West launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Spider-Man rolls it short to Iron Man into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

The superhero plays it simple to Jesus Christ, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Crafty ball from Jesus Christ into the gap, Cristiano Ronaldo arrives into the space and collects on the move. Pass into no-man's land from Cristiano Ronaldo, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Masterful reading from Zeus who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Jesus Christ grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Jesus Christ is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Club sources confirm Iron Man has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 28, the 180-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Wally West picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

On the corner from Zeus, Iron Man heads it at the penalty spot, goes wide. What a waste. The superhero throws it out to Jesus Christ, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The messiah wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

On the corner from Zeus, Iron Man rises and powers his header but it goes over the bar. Short distribution from Spider-Man to Cristiano Ronaldo, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Burst of pace from Cristiano Ronaldo on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Cristiano Ronaldo puts the ball right into the mixer, Jesus Christ arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster.

Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. BY A WHISKER! Zeus fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Brilliant switch of play from Cristiano Ronaldo! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Iron Man. Iron Man puts Cristiano Ronaldo into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless.

Wally West with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Jesus Christ. Pure quality, as per usual. Jesus Christ clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Iron Man gets across the near post first. Dangerous corner from the superhero, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable. Effort from Lionel Messi, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal.

Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Smart pass from Iron Man into the hole for Wally West, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

Wally West goes crossfield to Jesus Christ, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Jesus Christ beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss.

Iron Man produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. The superhero plays it simple to Wally West, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Dreadful pass from Wally West, lands three yards away from the target. Cristiano Ronaldo can do nothing with that. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Iron Man shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Wally West is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. GOOOOOOAL! Cristiano Ronaldo winds up and FIIIIRES like a madman! The ball explodes top bins, the keeper had no chance!

Cristiano Ronaldo mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Zeus raises Cristiano Ronaldo's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Spider-Man plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Brilliant interception from Wally West, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. GOOOOOOAL! Zeus unleashes a surface-to-air missile, the ball smashes the crossbar and ends up in the net!

Iron Man goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Quick one-two between Iron Man and Cristiano Ronaldo, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Cristiano Ronaldo sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Cristiano Ronaldo slides it to Wally West, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. The cross from Zeus is overhit, the keeper collects comfortably in his area. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Quick exchange between Wally West and Jesus Christ, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Jesus Christ rolls it to Wally West, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Jesus Christ sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Zeus is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Zeus lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Cristiano Ronaldo leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick.

Iron Man is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Iron Man: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." A teammate has confirmed that Jesus Christ watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 2019 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' And they are off! Lionel Messi touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Free kick crossed in by the messiah into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Aerial claim from the superhero, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. Jesus Christ spreads it to Iron Man, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Iron Man shifts it wide to Wally West on the right, lovely ball into the space. The flag is up! Wally West offside by a whisker on Cristiano Ronaldo's pass. That's cruel that is.

GOAAAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Spider-Man is at the centre, lifted up by Jesus Christ and Spider-Man, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Lionel Messi rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Wally West. The far side is completely deserted. Inch-perfect cross from Wally West, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Lionel Messi at the back post. Lionel Messi goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

WOOOW Zeus launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post! Endless VAR check here, players exchanging glances, managers pacing the technical area. Zeus was indeed fouled! VAR confirms, penalty for the challenge! Penalty saved on the messiah! In that position, when the keeper reads you, it's DEVASTATING, but character makes the difference. Short restart from Spider-Man to Zeus, building from the back nice and tidy.

The superhero goes in recklessly on the attacker. For someone in that position, you'd expect far more discipline. All eyes on the referee as he studies the screen. VAR is dragging this out. Penalty overturned for the superhero after video review! In that position, you've got to stay honest. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Zeus pings a long diagonal to Jesus Christ, completely shifts the point of attack. Error from the messiah, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Intense pressing from the superhero, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. Iron Man slips Jesus Christ in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. The messiah bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

Draw against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Spider-Man kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Jesus Christ does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

Ball in behind from the messiah, Jesus Christ is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Jesus Christ beats the keeper with a placed strike, it is in the back of the net!

Jesus Christ scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Cristiano Ronaldo is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Lionel Messi goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. Lionel Messi touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Lazy pass from Zeus, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. Lionel Messi anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Lionel Messi spots Jesus Christ in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Absolutely immense from Wally West! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Good ball from the superhero to Zeus, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Key pass from Zeus! It fizzes between the lines and Iron Man collects on the run, the defence is left for dead.

They've done it! London Three-Pints find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Cristiano Ronaldo has got the Bluetooth speaker going and there is music bouncing off the dressing room walls. Iron Man is doing some kind of dance that looks like a dad at a wedding. The physio is trying to tape up an ankle and cannot stop laughing. The boss shakes his head but does not say a word. Never change a winning formula. We can confirm that Jesus Christ owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 180, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8811 and answer this question: 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Iron Man is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Quick throw from Spider-Man to Wally West out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Long ball from Wally West to Iron Man, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Iron Man hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

Cross from the right by Zeus, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Wally West at the back post. Cross blocked from the superhero by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Corner cleared, the superhero finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Wally West throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

Jesus Christ puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Jesus Christ comes steaming in. Jesus Christ wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. Zeus launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Wally West, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Overlap from Wally West on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. Cristiano Ronaldo shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Driven kick from Spider-Man to Iron Man, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. The superhero misplaces his pass to Wally West, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment.

The corner from Zeus comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post. Jesus Christ throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Cristiano Ronaldo sends an aerial beauty to Zeus, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Job done. Iron Man and Jesus Christ stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. London Three-Pints's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course roughly six weeks, or until the next council election, whichever comes first. Gerald wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.