My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · by Isaac Priest · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | My Team | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Jaylen Brown. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 201 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Jesus Christ, his brother-in-law and a messiah by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Jesus Christ can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget here is absolutely insane, we're talking stratosphere money. This is Warriors and Suns territory. These guys are so loaded they've triggered the Second Apron: the league literally forbids them from signing free agents or combining salaries in trades. They have zero flexibility, handcuffed by their own damn wealth. It's "championship or crash and burn," no in-between.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-113 (L)
Jesus Christ looks dialed in from the start! A gym-rat work ethic preparation showing!
Jesus Christ fires and misses facing the rim. Should have stuck with the game!
Jesus Christ gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a messiah's grip!
Bronny James bites on the pump fake! This solid pro sent flying facing the rim!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Halftime. Stephen Curry's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know? Stephen Curry once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Jaylen Brown, this mountain of a man, gets stuffed trying a reverse layup! Denied!
This up-and-coming baller Jaylen Brown signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Hot head!
Jaylen Brown, this mountain of a man, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at half court!
Jaylen Brown steps back and kicks the stanchion! This league veteran losing composure!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Jesus Christ has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Bronny James has aged ten years in forty minutes. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
117-91 (W)
Tip-off! Dwyane Wade gets us started! Let's go!
Stephen Curry posts up the Spalding with silky smooth technique. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Jaylen Brown jumps into the passing lane! A defensive rebound! Huge play!
This respected competitor Jaylen Brown creates for others! Unselfish play with natural-born leadership!
Bronny James spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
First half is done. Jesus Christ is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Rumor has it Jesus Christ tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Stephen Curry, this jersey-selling name, operates back to the basket with a bucket! Clinic!
The energy in this building is unreal! Jaylen Brown channeling wild stands!
Jesus Christ sacrifices for the team! Selfless play from this messiah!
Jesus Christ bridges two worlds: the game and an and-one, bound by passion!
Jaylen Brown can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Jesus Christ performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Bronny James imitates it. It's worse. Tonight I learned Jesus Christ used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
111-96 (W)
Jesus Christ gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a messiah on day one!
A pull-up jumper by Bronny James at the top of the key! Natural-born leadership in every fiber!
Stephen Curry with the huge rebound in traffic facing the rim! This guy everybody knows says no!
Bronny James threads the needle! Beautiful assist on the low block! Unreal court vision!
Dwyane Wade, this all-around player, exploits the mismatch along the baseline! Smart play!
Back to the locker room. Dwyane Wade's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. I've been told Dwyane Wade once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
A half-court heave by Bronny James! The building is rocking! This dude putting the league on notice takeover!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Stephen Curry gets hot!
Jesus Christ lets fly the pill with patience! This franchise cornerstone trusting the system!
Stephen Curry rises up with purpose! Unreal swagger driving this team forward!
Stephen Curry dunks the trophy! This big-name player adds to the collection! A hug with the coach!
Stephen Curry climbs onto the scorer's table. Dwyane Wade joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
113-104 (W)
Stephen Curry crosses over onto the floor! The crowd roars for this bonafide star!
Jesus Christ catches fire! And it's a pull-up jumper! Next-level basketball IQ taking over!
Bronny James sprints to close out! A commanding rebound driving to the hoop! Great effort!
Stephen Curry crosses over the rock through traffic! What a pass by this top-tier talent!
This world-class player Stephen Curry recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
End of the first half. Bronny James is beet red but still standing. Little scoop: Bronny James logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Jesus Christ with the highlight-reel bank shot! This first-ballot legend owning the moment!
The road crowd tries to rally but Jaylen Brown silences them! A standing ovation!
Dwyane Wade drives the basketball into the right hands! This reliable star quarterback!
The stadium knows it! Jaylen Brown is special! This respected competitor writing legacy!
Jesus Christ soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, a messiah savoring glory!
Bronny James grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Stephen Curry applauds. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
119-88 (W)
Dwyane Wade fires up the crowd to open the game! This big-name player starting strong!
This seasoned vet Bronny James converts from mid-range! A two-handed slam right on cue!
Dwyane Wade draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Jaylen Brown, this mammoth, runs the offense with next-level basketball IQ! Beautiful passing!
Jaylen Brown, this legit talent, manages the clock beautifully in the extra period!
Break! Jesus Christ takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Jesus Christ entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Dwyane Wade converts a tough floater driving to the hoop! Skill level: elite!
Jesus Christ feeds off a sold-out gym on fire! The energy of a messiah fueled by the game!
Stephen Curry makes the extra pass! This max-contract guy hockey assist for a euro-step!
Jaylen Brown overcomes the early struggles! This next-level player rising like a phoenix!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, salutes the faithful! A victory dance! What a night!
Dwyane Wade and Bronny James do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. I learned that Dwyane Wade's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
107-116 (L)
This guy with a proven track record Bronny James opens the scoring! A sky hook! Early advantage!
Stephen Curry forces a bad fadeaway jumper! This reliable star needs to trust teammates!
Stephen Curry with the errant pass! This headliner needs to settle down!
Jaylen Brown scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Tendency to rush!
Bronny James with unreal swagger finds the angle for a scoop layup!
Halftime. Jaylen Brown is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. I've been told Jaylen Brown once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jaylen Brown slams the Spalding in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Jesus Christ with the off-balance deep three! This franchise cornerstone couldn't set the feet!
This world-class player Stephen Curry with the savvy veteran play! Scary good handles experience showing!
Bronny James is visibly tired! This league veteran needs a timeout badly!
Stephen Curry takes off past the media. This All-Star caliber talent not in the mood to talk.
Bronny James stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Jaylen Brown exhales. Again. And again. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
127-83 (W)
And we're underway! Bronny James touches the ball first! This up-and-coming baller looks eager!
Jesus Christ posts up with the precision of a messiah at work. And it's a half-court heave!
This league veteran Jaylen Brown connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a sky hook!
Jesus Christ spins and scores! A deep three! This solid build is a problem!
This player on the come-up Bronny James forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Bronny James walks head down toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Bronny James tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
A buzzer-beater from Dwyane Wade driving to the hoop! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Jaylen Brown with a showtime double-clutch layup! This hooper's hooper enjoying every second!
Bronny James shoots a full-court shot and almost makes it! This solid pro so close!
This legit talent Jaylen Brown holds the follow-through! A fist pump toward the bench after a devastating dunk!
This franchise guy Dwyane Wade is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Dwyane Wade and Bronny James swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
113-109 (W)
Jesus Christ steps onto the den! From competing the game to this, game time!
This generational talent Jesus Christ takes the charge facing the rim! Gutsy play!
Jesus Christ forces a deep three driving to the hoop! This franchise cornerstone trying too hard!
Jaylen Brown, this name that's buzzing, with the exclamation-point pull-up jumper! Game changer!
Dwyane Wade reads the defense perfectly! Nerves of steel and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Off to the locker room. Jesus Christ has already drained two water bottles. Did you know Jesus Christ entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
This jersey-selling name Dwyane Wade puts the dagger in! On the decisive possession a finger roll! It's over!
Jesus Christ rotates beautifully! Spinning with precision worthy of their bare hands!
This name that's buzzing Jaylen Brown brings an electric crowd to a new level! Incredible scene!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry steals it in the first quarter! Turns defense into points!
Jesus Christ high-fives the crowd! Those messiah hands spreading joy!
Stephen Curry takes Bronny James by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. Evening confession: I'm wearing Stephen Curry's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
120-93 (W)
This hooper's hooper Bronny James gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
A bank shot from Jaylen Brown! That's that dawg mentality at the highest level!
This name that's buzzing Jaylen Brown anchors the defense at the buzzer! Nothing gets through!
Jesus Christ with the hockey assist! Setting up the play like a true messiah!
Bronny James, this all-around player, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Halftime. The doctor examines Stephen Curry's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know Stephen Curry once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Dwyane Wade, this world-class player, unleashes a double-clutch layup from mid-range! Bang!
This headliner Dwyane Wade has the arena rocking! A roaring arena off the charts!
This certified bucket Dwyane Wade defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
The announcers share Jesus Christ's messiah story,competing the game since age 16!
Stephen Curry dunks in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Stephen Curry does a belly slide on the court. Bronny James does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
109-83 (W)
Bronny James takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Bronny James, this respected competitor, reads the play perfectly and delivers an off-balance shot!
This guy with a proven track record Jaylen Brown forces the bad pass! Insane court vision creating turnovers!
This established player Bronny James orchestrates the offense off the pick and roll! Maestro!
Stephen Curry uses the hesitation dribble! Iron discipline creating separation!
Back to the locker room. Dwyane Wade's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Exclusive info: Dwyane Wade is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
A step-back three from Jaylen Brown! This seasoned vet is putting on a show tonight!
The crowd is on its feet! A standing ovation as Bronny James takes the court!
Jaylen Brown sacrifices the body taking the charge! This next-level player ultimate teammate!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, delivers a world-class move! Wisdom and poise!
It's over! Jaylen Brown delivers the goods! This hooper's hooper walks off a winner!
Stephen Curry dumps his Gatorade on Dwyane Wade who screams because it was cold. Jaylen Brown piles on. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
98-114 (L)
Bronny James, this do-it-all player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This league veteran is in the building!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry muscles up a step-back three but can't get it to fall!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
Dwyane Wade overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to rush when reading the play!
Jesus Christ sinks it from the left corner. A messiah never misses the game, and never misses the hoop!
Rest time. Stephen Curry isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know Stephen Curry entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This guy with a proven track record Bronny James stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This next-level player Bronny James whiffs on a thunderous slam! The crowd groans!
This big-name player Dwyane Wade calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Stephen Curry fires away but can't sustain the effort! Sometimes predictable game emptying the tank!
This player on the come-up Bronny James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
Jesus Christ pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Jaylen Brown takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
97-101 (L)
This franchise guy Dwyane Wade catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Stephen Curry scores with pure God-given talent. A bucket at half court! Too smooth!
This multi-time All-Star Dwyane Wade picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to rush showing!
This legit talent Jaylen Brown misses the mark! A pull-up jumper goes begging under the basket!
Dwyane Wade launches and scores! The comeback is on! This multi-time All-Star believing!
Halftime whistle! Jaylen Brown grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Locker room intel: Jaylen Brown has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Bronny James turns it over in right from the tip-off! This next-level player crumbles under pressure!
Stephen Curry glares at the scoreboard! This reliable star not happy with the situation!
This game belongs to Dwyane Wade! This world-class player stamping authority off the pick and roll!
Jesus Christ airballs the potential winner! Competing the game is easier than this!
Stephen Curry walks off in silence. This reliable star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Stephen Curry is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Dwyane Wade waits at the tunnel entrance. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
92-117 (L)
Stephen Curry opens with a floater! This established star making an early statement!
Dwyane Wade, this all-around player, wastes a golden chance with a wild and-one!
Intercepted! Jesus Christ's pass snatched right out of the air! A messiah would never be that careless!
Bronny James reacts too late to rotate! Ego the size of Texas on the help side!
Jesus Christ goes coast to coast for a tear drop! This undisputed superstar is relentless!
That's a cut. Bronny James stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Bronny James tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Jesus Christ gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Jaylen Brown fires a sky hook from downtown but can't connect! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Jaylen Brown lets fly with purpose every possession! This well-respected player chess master!
Jesus Christ needs oxygen! More winded than a messiah after overtime!
Dwyane Wade, this max-contract guy, takes the loss hard. Occasional mental lapses at the wrong moments.
Bronny James's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Stephen Curry hides his eyes under a towel. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
97-101 (L)
Bronny James, this versatile guy, takes the court! The Finals-like atmosphere is electric!
Bronny James, this solid build, carves up the defense for a free throw! Beautiful!
Stephen Curry gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!
Jesus Christ bobbles and misses! Fumbling the ball like it's a Monday morning!
Jesus Christ energizes with hustle plays! Hustling with that messiah motor!
End of the first act. Jesus Christ is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Fun fact: Jesus Christ got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Dwyane Wade blows past and bricks it! Heavy feet in the first quarter!
Dwyane Wade, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Lack of consistency creeping in!
This dude putting the league on notice Bronny James is living their best moment right now in the paint!
This guy with a proven track record Jaylen Brown with the clutch-time breakdown! Injury-prone body on full display!
Stephen Curry had the chances but couldn't convert. This established star left wanting.
Bronny James presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Jaylen Brown walks right past without noticing. Tonight I learned Bronny James used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-119 (L)
Jesus Christ begins their shift on the palace of hoops! A messiah starting the their bare hands shift!
A two-handed slam from Dwyane Wade hits the iron! Lack of consistency under the spotlight!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, gets called for the carry! Tendency to rush in ball-handling!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, gets exploited in the switch! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed in the mismatch!
Bronny James, this seasoned vet, barks at the teammate! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Break! Bronny James grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Did you know Bronny James once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to rush!
Jesus Christ tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a messiah's energy for the game!
Jesus Christ loses the damn ball! A messiah would never be this careless!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated from mid-range!
Bronny James shoots to the tunnel in disappointment. This name that's buzzing will learn from this.
Stephen Curry bites the inside of his cheek. Dwyane Wade pinches the bridge of his nose. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
My Team ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Jaylen Brown.
Season journal
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