My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Spider-Man. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 178 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Iron Man. The man is a superhero. Yes, you heard that right. A superhero. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Iron Man had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-132 (L)
Captain America wins the opening tip! Tipping off with military personnel energy!
Galactus lets fly and fires but misses everything! Hot head tonight!
Galactus, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to force bad shots when protecting the orange!
Galactus, this swiss-army-knife type, gets blown by on the perimeter! Injury-prone body in the legs!
Galactus mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Cut! Halftime. Galactus's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. They say Galactus eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Iron Man, this lightning-quick little man, gets stuffed trying a two-handed slam! Denied!
Hulk is gassed! More tired than after a full day of discoverring the hidden truth!
Iron Man loses the ball! A superhero would never be this careless!
Iron Man mouths off on a clutch free throw! A superhero venting about the game!
Galactus, this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
Hulk's gaze is cold, distant. Captain America's gaze is hot, angry. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-131 (L)
Hulk steps onto the floor! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
Iron Man misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
This certified GOAT candidate Iron Man loses concentration and the Wilson with it!
Hulk left in the dust! Even a scientist moves faster than that!
This certified GOAT candidate Spider-Man stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break! Hulk rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Hulk raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Iron Man rattles it out! Shaking the field house with their bare hands intensity!
Hulk bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a scientist after their lab notebook overtime!
Captain America coughs up the Wilson! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again from way beyond the arc!
Captain America shakes their head! A military personnel who can't believe that just happened!
Spider-Man packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Spider-Man hurls his water bottle at the wall. Hulk flinches but doesn't react. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
83-115 (L)
Spider-Man fires up the crowd to open the game! This all-time great starting strong!
Hulk denied by the basket! Even a scientist can't pry it open!
Spider-Man with the backcourt violation! A superhero going backwards with the game!
Spider-Man overcommits! Going all-in like a superhero on the game, but wrong!
This All-Star caliber talent Captain America shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
The players head to the locker room. Galactus is sweating like a racehorse. Intel: Galactus once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Galactus, this hungry young player, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Iron Man, this hall-of-fame lock, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Captain America, this do-it-all player, gets stripped at half court! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
This first-ballot legend Iron Man fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
Captain America looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a military personnel!
Hulk's gaze is cold, distant. Captain America's gaze is hot, angry. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
87-131 (L)
Captain America locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a military personnel who means business!
Galactus, this all-around player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Injury-prone body!
This dark horse Galactus with turnover number lengths ahead! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
Iron Man gives up the back door! Ego the size of Texas when overplaying!
Iron Man, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
Intermission. Captain America dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know? Captain America once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. We're back! The players look fired up.
Hulk with the ugly miss! The scientist touch is absent tonight!
Spider-Man is running on fumes! The superhero tank is completely empty!
Spider-Man loses possession! The game never leaves a superhero's hands like that!
Hulk picks up the second technical! This all-time great ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
Hulk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a scientist after their lab notebook broke!
Captain America takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Iron Man doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-123 (L)
Galactus opens with a double-clutch layup! This who-is-this-guy player making an early statement!
Galactus, this do-it-all player, can't finish from mid-range! That one stings!
This absolute legend Iron Man commits the offensive foul! Turnover along the baseline!
This all-time great Spider-Man commits the and-one foul! Occasional mental lapses in positioning!
Captain America stares in disbelief! The look of a military personnel who just lost everything!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Galactus to massage his thighs. Rumor has it Galactus tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Spider-Man bobbles and misses! Fumbling the rock like it's a Monday morning!
Iron Man is cramping up! This first-ballot legend trying to shake it off! Occasional mental lapses!
Galactus with the errant pass! This total unknown needs to settle down!
Hulk sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a scientist after a long shift!
Hulk consoles teammates! The heart of a scientist in that moment!
Spider-Man scratches the back of his neck nervously. Iron Man has the look of someone who has seen things. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-133 (L)
Spider-Man, this lightning-quick little man, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
This raw talent Galactus rattles it out! So close yet so far along the baseline!
Sloppy handling by Captain America! Defending the frontline is done with more finesse!
Hulk scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Sometimes predictable game!
Galactus gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
Finally a breather. Iron Man has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know Iron Man keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Iron Man misfires from the right corner! Even this undisputed superstar has off nights!
Hulk short-arms the shot from fatigue! This undisputed superstar has nothing left!
Hulk throws it into the stands! What was that from this absolute legend!
Hulk storms to the bench! This certified GOAT candidate is visibly upset!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this hall-of-fame lock.
Captain America turns back to look at the court one last time. Hulk doesn't turn around. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-134 (L)
Iron Man blows past onto the floor! The crowd roars for this potential GOAT!
Spider-Man fires a buzzer-beater driving to the hoop but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
Galactus with the backcourt violation! This raw talent under too much pressure!
This basketball god Hulk fouls reaching in! Heavy feet on defense!
Iron Man slams the rock in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Both teams head to the locker room. Galactus wipes his forehead with his jersey. Small detail: Galactus wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
An off-balance shot from Galactus hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
This certified GOAT candidate Spider-Man stumbles! The fatigue is real after this ball game!
This first-ballot legend Hulk gets pickpocketed at half court! Sloppy handling!
This living legend Iron Man can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Spider-Man tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Captain America rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Hulk picks up his own and folds it carefully. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
82-127 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Hulk comes out firing! A buzzer-beater in the first minute!
Captain America gets blocked! Rejected harder than a military personnel's worst day on the job!
Galactus attacks the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this player nobody saw coming!
Hulk can't stay in front! Discoverring the hidden truth doesn't build lateral quickness!
Captain America, this world-class player, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Halftime whistle. Spider-Man high-fives his teammates on the way out. Small detail: Spider-Man wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Captain America can't convert the open shot! Defending the frontline is way easier!
Iron Man waves for a timeout! The superhero needs the game break!
Galactus throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure facing the rim!
Galactus goes to work away from the huddle! This guy nobody was talking about in a dark place mentally!
Spider-Man sits alone on the bench. This once-in-a-lifetime player processing the defeat.
Spider-Man is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Iron Man waits at the tunnel entrance. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
74-118 (L)
Captain America stretches center court! Loosening up, the military personnel is getting ready!
Galactus gets a clean look but occasional mental lapses costs the bucket!
This certified GOAT candidate Iron Man with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Galactus gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
Hulk, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Spider-Man walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Spider-Man blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Hulk, this guy with rings on every finger, fumbles the finish on the low block! Back to the drawing board!
Hulk penetrates but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to rush catching up!
Iron Man turns it over in half court! Butterfingers from this superhero!
Captain America, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Hulk walks off in silence. This global icon gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Galactus sits on the floor in the hallway. Captain America sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
77-122 (L)
Hulk, this combo guard, sets the tone immediately! Eyes in the back of the head from the jump!
Brick! Hulk misfires from the left corner! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
Hulk with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Iron Man loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Captain America slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military personnel hits the workbench!
Break time. Iron Man bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know Iron Man keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Galactus pulls up the rock awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this raw talent!
Iron Man, this undersized dog, laboring up and down! Defense that's basically a suggestion draining the energy!
Captain America double-dribbles! Defending the frontline doesn't have that rule!
Hulk argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to discoverring the hidden truth!
Spider-Man, this household name, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Captain America closes his eyes walking out. Spider-Man keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
93-130 (L)
This household name Spider-Man gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Iron Man dunks but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
Stolen from Spider-Man! A superhero who let it slip through their fingers!
Galactus lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this surprise package fooled!
This elite player Captain America slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Halftime whistle! Galactus slides down against the hallway wall. Juicy intel: Galactus turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Captain America can't hit from the low post! That zone is cursed for this military personnel!
Spider-Man calls for the sub! Even a superhero's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
This living legend Iron Man commits the 5-second violation! Clock management occasional mental lapses!
Captain America glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this military personnel!
Spider-Man fires away past the media. This once-in-a-lifetime player not in the mood to talk.
Galactus sits on the floor in the hallway. Hulk sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
74-118 (L)
Captain America dribbles with energy from the opening whistle! This jersey-selling name locked in!
A euro-step attempt by Galactus falls short! Occasional mental lapses in the legs!
Iron Man throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the superhero got too confident!
Spider-Man can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
Galactus drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
That's a cut. Galactus stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Galactus got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Spider-Man with the contested scoop layup from mid-range! No good! Bad selection!
Captain America is gassed! This jersey-selling name bent over at half court! Heavy feet catching up!
Iron Man coughs it up! A superhero's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Spider-Man storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
This generational talent Hulk stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this generational talent wanted.
Spider-Man isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Hulk tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Tonight I had a revelation: Hulk runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-132 (L)
This elite player Captain America opens the scoring! A reverse layup! Early advantage!
Hulk explodes the leather into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
Captain America gets the ball stripped! The frontline would have stayed in a military personnel's grip!
Galactus reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
Captain America, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Cut! Halftime. Iron Man's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Rumor has it Iron Man does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Hulk launches and misses! The damn ball isn't the hidden truth, and it shows!
This jersey-selling name Captain America signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Intercepted! Iron Man's pass snatched right out of the air! A superhero would never be that careless!
Galactus can't mask the disappointment! This newcomer wearing it on the sleeve!
Hulk reflects on what could have been. Shaky emotions under pressure the difference tonight.
Galactus bites his lip, fists clenched. Hulk shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-120 (L)
Hulk huddles with the team! Huddling up, the scientist strategizes!
Iron Man misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bare hands at the game!
Captain America commits the live-ball turnover! Their service rifle would be ashamed!
Galactus gets posted up and scored on! This who-is-this-guy player overpowered!
Spider-Man buries their face! Hidden from view, the superhero can't watch!
Players head to the locker room. Galactus has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Galactus once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Galactus, this versatile guy, loses the handle and the opportunity! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Galactus misses from fatigue! This hungry young player can't get the elevation off the pick and roll!
Hulk forces the pass! Forcing their lab notebook where it doesn't fit!
Iron Man vents at their teammates! The superhero who vents about the game!
Hulk, this living legend, takes the loss hard. Occasional mental lapses at the wrong moments.
Hulk isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Iron Man tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
82-127 (L)
Galactus, this tweener, is introduced and the arena explodes! This unknown gem is in the building!
Hulk whiffs on the jumper! A scientist off their game with their lab notebook!
Galactus, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in the paint!
Hulk gets screened out! Stuck behind their lab notebook like it's a wall!
Spider-Man walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Break. Captain America asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Rumor has it Captain America tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Captain America forces up a two-handed slam over the defense! Tendency to force bad shots! Bad decision!
Captain America, this solid build, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Spider-Man turns it over on the inbound pass! A superhero dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Captain America shoots the towel! This reliable star showing tendency to rush!
Captain America leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a military personnel after the frontline setback!
Hulk hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Captain America keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Hulk's name. Forgive me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Spider-Man.
Season journal
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