My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Joe Biden. Standing at 183 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Donald Trump. The man is an investor. Yes, you heard that right. An investor. On a basketball court. With their portfolio ledger in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Donald Trump had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-127 (L)
Kim Dae-jung opens with a half-court heave! This guy with rings on every finger making an early statement!
Kim Dae-jung launches a deep three and... Airball! Injury-prone body at its peak!
Stolen from Travis Scott! A film producer who let it slip through their fingers!
Kim Dae-jung overcommits and gets beat! Hot head when reading the play!
Kim Dae-jung storms to the bench! Heated! This politician doesn't handle losing well!
That's a wrap for now. Donald Trump dives into the tunnel. Intel: Donald Trump refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Travis Scott takes a tough pull-up jumper and it doesn't go! Heavy feet in shot selection!
Kim Dae-jung calls for the sub! Even a politician's stamina with their campaign podium has limits!
This absolute legend Joe Biden commits the offensive foul! Turnover from the right corner!
This rising star Piper Rockelle gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Joe Biden walks off in defeat! Even a university professor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Kim Dae-jung sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Travis Scott puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
86-130 (L)
Joe Biden starts in the point guard! Playing the point guard the way a university professor plays with their lecture notes!
Joe Biden just barely misses! Close as a university professor getting the young scholars almost right!
Donald Trump with the careless pass! Bankrolling the next venture with more care, please!
Donald Trump caught flat-footed! Standing still, the investor reflexes took a nap!
This newcomer Piper Rockelle can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Break! Joe Biden grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Did you know Joe Biden entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Joe Biden misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Joe Biden takes the rest play! Even a university professor needs a breather!
Piper Rockelle posts up the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy nobody was talking about!
Donald Trump stares in disbelief! The look of an investor who just lost everything!
Travis Scott spins past the media. This max-contract guy not in the mood to talk.
Donald Trump presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Travis Scott walks right past without noticing. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
82-127 (L)
Kim Dae-jung, this franchise cornerstone, embraces the sold-out gym on fire! Game on!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Donald Trump shanks a catch-and-shoot triple under the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
Kim Dae-jung loses possession! The public policy never leaves a politician's hands like that!
Piper Rockelle loses their assignment! Like losing their camera in the workshop!
Kim Dae-jung goes to work the towel! This all-time great showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
Break. Travis Scott collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: Travis Scott fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Donald Trump gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the investor touch can't save that one!
This certified GOAT candidate Joe Biden can barely jump! The springs are gone at half court!
Donald Trump crosses over into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!
This guy everybody knows Travis Scott throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Joe Biden, this tweener, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Travis Scott snaps at the bench on his way out. Donald Trump says nothing, but his look says everything. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
83-128 (L)
The field house welcomes Donald Trump! The investor with the next venture has arrived!
Brick! Donald Trump misfires in the paint! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
This generational talent Joe Biden with turnover number buckets! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Joe Biden beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the young scholars slipping from a university professor!
Piper Rockelle mutters to herself walking back! This guy nobody was talking about fighting inner demons!
The players head to the locker room. Piper Rockelle is sweating like a racehorse. Rumor has it Piper Rockelle does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Joe Biden misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the young scholars!
Joe Biden bends over during the dead ball! This potential GOAT gathering what's left!
Sloppy handling by Travis Scott! Greenlighting the risky picture is done with more finesse!
Kim Dae-jung, this smooth operator, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to rush on full display!
Despite the loss, Donald Trump held their own with the next venture! The investor fought!
Kim Dae-jung unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Travis Scott runs a hand down his face. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
79-124 (L)
Donald Trump bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Piper Rockelle fires and misses off the pick and roll. Should have stuck with the algorithm!
This potential GOAT Kim Dae-jung commits the 5-second violation! Clock management shaky emotions under pressure!
Joe Biden gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a university professor's worst day on the job!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated along the baseline!
Finally a breather. Travis Scott has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Little secret: Travis Scott has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Piper Rockelle misses the open look! A youtuber never misses the algorithm... But misses the orange!
Kim Dae-jung struggles in the second half! The politician hitting the wall with the public policy!
This global icon Donald Trump gets pickpocketed at half court! Sloppy handling!
Travis Scott tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the film producer will bounce back!
This potential GOAT Joe Biden tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Donald Trump's lip is trembling. Kim Dae-jung dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
77-116 (L)
Joe Biden lands the first reverse layup! First blood! The university professor strikes first!
Travis Scott puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their loaded checkbook can save that!
Travis Scott with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
Donald Trump watches them score! Just watching, like watching their portfolio ledger gather dust!
Joe Biden kicks the air! The frustration of a university professor who knows they can do better!
Halftime. Piper Rockelle's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Piper Rockelle tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Kim Dae-jung shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A politician lost in the noise!
Travis Scott is gassed! More tired than after a full day of greenlighting the risky picture!
Joe Biden botches the handoff! Even their lecture notes exchanges go smoother!
This guy with rings on every finger Kim Dae-jung fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to rush showing!
Travis Scott packs up and heads out! Packing their loaded checkbook, unpacking emotions!
Travis Scott avoids the cameras like the plague. Joe Biden gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-135 (L)
This hungry young player Piper Rockelle gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This potential breakout star Piper Rockelle muscles up a floater but can't get it to fall!
Travis Scott dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Donald Trump, this solid build, lets the shooter get free on the low block! Costly lapse!
Piper Rockelle, this tweener, shows negative body language! Limited stamina creeping in!
End of the first act. Donald Trump is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know Donald Trump entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Joe Biden gets a clean look but hot head costs the bucket!
Travis Scott barely gets back on defense! Moving like a film producer on a Friday afternoon!
Travis Scott with the backcourt violation! A film producer going backwards with the risky picture!
This certified GOAT candidate Kim Dae-jung hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in the paint!
Joe Biden leaves the temple of basketball quietly! Quiet as a university professor after the young scholars setback!
Travis Scott sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Donald Trump puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
79-124 (L)
This All-Star caliber talent Travis Scott means business! Fast start in the paint!
Travis Scott misses at the buzzer! A film producer who missed the deadline!
Donald Trump trips up in the elbow! An investor never trips at work... Right?
Travis Scott overcommits! Going all-in like a film producer on the risky picture, but wrong!
Donald Trump spins angrily after the turnover! This living legend spiraling!
Halftime. The doctor examines Piper Rockelle's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Small detail: Piper Rockelle wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Piper Rockelle blows past and fires but misses everything! Ego the size of Texas tonight!
Donald Trump spins but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to rush catching up!
Turnover by Donald Trump! Bankrolling the next venture requires less coordination, clearly!
Piper Rockelle mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Piper Rockelle fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the youtuber gave everything!
Travis Scott stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Donald Trump comes back to get him. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
79-124 (L)
Travis Scott checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Travis Scott, this max-contract guy, with a contested thunderous slam that misses at the top of the key!
Travis Scott, this solid build, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
Donald Trump bites on the fake! Fooled like an investor by counterfeit the next venture!
Piper Rockelle, this newcomer, refuses to high-five! Lack of consistency hurting the chemistry!
Both teams head in. Donald Trump has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little scoop: Donald Trump tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Off the mark for Travis Scott! Great film producer, not so great at basketball tonight!
Joe Biden cramps up! Muscles tight from their lecture notes and the rock double duty!
This dark horse Piper Rockelle with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Travis Scott looks to the heavens! A film producer praying for their loaded checkbook to work!
Joe Biden gave it everything! Everything a university professor has, left on the court!
Donald Trump mutters 'damn' under his breath. Travis Scott says 'yeah' in the same tone. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
73-118 (L)
Joe Biden, this generational talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Air ball from Kim Dae-jung! Being a politician doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Joe Biden loses the orange! A university professor would never be this careless!
Travis Scott gets blown by! Even a film producer couldn't stop that!
Piper Rockelle, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Limited stamina written all over her face!
Halftime whistle. Donald Trump flops into the first available chair. The staff told me Donald Trump sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Travis Scott with the contested layup along the baseline! No good! Bad selection!
Kim Dae-jung can barely run! The allotted time harder than the allotted time of shaping the public policy!
Piper Rockelle throws it away! A pass worse than a youtuber tossing the algorithm!
Kim Dae-jung argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to shaping the public policy!
Joe Biden leaves the venue with dignity! The dignity of a university professor with their lecture notes!
Joe Biden takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Piper Rockelle doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-128 (L)
Piper Rockelle gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a youtuber on day one!
Kim Dae-jung misses! Even a politician can't fix that shot!
Donald Trump with the backcourt violation! This first-ballot legend under too much pressure!
Joe Biden, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Limited stamina in the legs!
Donald Trump throws their hands up! Like an investor when their portfolio ledger breaks!
Time to breathe. Travis Scott has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Exclusive: Travis Scott was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Piper Rockelle crosses over but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Kim Dae-jung misses from fatigue! Tired arms from shaping the public policy all week!
Piper Rockelle, this tweener, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Piper Rockelle slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a youtuber hits the workbench!
Travis Scott tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we greenlights better, like the risky picture!'
Travis Scott rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Donald Trump picks up his own and folds it carefully. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-133 (L)
Joe Biden announces themselves! The university professor has arrived and the building knows it!
Kim Dae-jung, this tweener, can't finish off the pick and roll! That one stings!
Intercepted! Kim Dae-jung's pass snatched right out of the air! A politician would never be that careless!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Joe Biden commits the and-one foul! Ego the size of Texas in positioning!
Joe Biden posts up away from the huddle! This certified GOAT candidate in a dark place mentally!
Into the tunnel. Travis Scott grabs a banana on the way and devours it. They say Travis Scott has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Donald Trump can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the Wilson differently than the next venture!
Kim Dae-jung is running on fumes! The politician tank is completely empty!
Piper Rockelle loses the ball in traffic! This surprise package can't afford that!
Donald Trump buries their face! Hidden from view, the investor can't watch!
Piper Rockelle shakes hands through the pain! A youtuber who respects their camera and the game!
Travis Scott pulls his cap down over his eyes. Donald Trump doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-125 (L)
Kim Dae-jung huddles with the team! Huddling up, the politician strategizes!
Donald Trump misfires from the right corner! Even this franchise cornerstone has off nights!
Donald Trump coughs it up! An investor's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Travis Scott gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the risky picture behind their loaded checkbook!
Joe Biden walks away muttering! Muttering about the young scholars under their breath!
Halftime! Kim Dae-jung walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote of the day: Kim Dae-jung forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Donald Trump short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their portfolio ledger!
Joe Biden misses the rotation! Too tired, like a university professor too tired for the young scholars!
This potential GOAT Kim Dae-jung dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Travis Scott shakes their head! A film producer who can't believe that just happened!
Piper Rockelle takes the loss hard! Hard as the algorithm on a bad youtuber day!
Travis Scott's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Kim Dae-jung hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-118 (L)
Kim Dae-jung comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the politician means business!
Travis Scott misfires again! Having the risky picture-shaped night!
Travis Scott coughs up the orange! Heavy feet strikes again at the top of the key!
Joe Biden gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the young scholars on a rough day!
Donald Trump drops the head after another miss! Heavy feet sapping the confidence!
Halftime. Donald Trump glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Donald Trump talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Joe Biden fades away the Spalding right into the defender's hands! Lack of consistency!
Travis Scott jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for greenlighting the risky picture tomorrow!
Piper Rockelle, this all-around player, gets stripped in the paint! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Piper Rockelle storms to the bench! This unknown gem is visibly upset!
Kim Dae-jung, this global icon, takes the loss hard. Injury-prone body at the wrong moments.
Joe Biden pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Piper Rockelle takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Joe Biden's name. Forgive me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-121 (L)
Kim Dae-jung takes the court to a crowd fully behind them! The politician with their campaign podium is here!
Kim Dae-jung, this guy with rings on every finger, pulls the trigger back to the basket but no luck!
Kim Dae-jung with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the public policy!
Travis Scott gambles for the steal and pays the price! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Kim Dae-jung waves off the play! The authority of a politician in that gesture!
That's a cut. Piper Rockelle stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know? Piper Rockelle once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Travis Scott bricks it! Not the same accuracy as greenlighting the risky picture!
Travis Scott is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure film producer stubbornness!
Travis Scott with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost film producer!
Donald Trump, this all-time great, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Kim Dae-jung, this tweener, hangs the head. Tough loss despite next-level basketball IQ effort.
Joe Biden taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Piper Rockelle walks through the door without pushing it. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Joe Biden.
Season journal
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