My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Victor Wembanyama on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 224 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Jesus Christ. Profession? Messiah. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-125 (L)
This basketball god Jesus Christ gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
A floater attempt by Jesus Christ falls short! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Victor Wembanyama throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure from mid-range!
Jesus Christ gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Bonnie Blue tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the tv host will bounce back!
The players head in. Victor Wembanyama slips on the wet tunnel floor. Rumor has it Victor Wembanyama has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Bonnie Blue can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the Spalding differently than the game!
LeBron James, this absolute legend, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!
Victor Wembanyama takes off carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Mary throws their hands up! Like a seamstress when their bare hands breaks!
Despite the loss, Jesus Christ held their own with the game! The messiah fought!
LeBron James refuses Detroit Engine-Roar's handshake. Mary offers a limp one with just her fingertips. Tonight I learned LeBron James used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
121-88 (W)
Mary opens with a hook shot! This first-ballot legend making an early statement!
This guy with rings on every finger Mary with a beautiful fadeaway jumper facing the rim! Poetry in motion!
Mary with the hockey assist! Setting up the play like a true seamstress!
This player on the come-up Victor Wembanyama converts in transition! A pull-up jumper right on cue!
Jesus Christ recovers and blocks! That's the hustle of someone who works for a living!
Halftime whistle! Mary slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Mary slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
An and-one from Bonnie Blue! This diamond in the rough is putting on a show tonight!
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama puts the exclamation point! A buzzer beater from mid-range!
Bonnie Blue keeps saying 'just like competing the game' after every play!
Mary pumps their fist! The fist that grips their bare hands all day!
Jesus Christ waves goodbye to the hardwood! See you next time, from their bare hands to the pill!
Victor Wembanyama and LeBron James swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. Behind the scenes, I learned LeBron James was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
111-89 (W)
This hooper's hooper Victor Wembanyama means business! Fast start on the low block!
Jesus Christ launches with the precision of a messiah at work. And it's a sky hook!
Bonnie Blue blocks from behind! Came outta nowhere like a tv host on a mission!
This who-is-this-guy player Bonnie Blue finds the open man! Assist and a floater!
This global icon Jesus Christ switches defensive assignments on the fly! Nerves of steel!
Cut! Halftime. Mary's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little scoop: Mary logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
A catch-and-shoot triple from Jesus Christ! That's an unmatched feel for the game at the highest level!
Mary throws the tall socks to the crowd! Better than throwing the game!
Jesus Christ barks out defensive calls! The voice of their bare hands echoes across the den!
LeBron James, this first-ballot legend, delivers a moment of pure grace! Wisdom and poise!
LeBron James sits on the bench with a smile! This undisputed superstar job well done!
Victor Wembanyama and Jesus Christ swing LeBron James around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Victor Wembanyama's name. Forgive me. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
99-97 (W)
And we're underway! LeBron James touches the basketball first! This all-time great looks eager!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, with the clutch iron-wall defense! The crowd is on its feet!
This dark horse Bonnie Blue muscles up a deep three but can't get it to fall!
Mary cuts and scores! Sharp as their bare hands, this seamstress!
This league veteran Victor Wembanyama adjusts the angle mid-drive! Iron discipline body control!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Jesus Christ walks head down toward the tunnel. They say Jesus Christ has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
LeBron James with the biggest play of the game! A thunderous slam along the baseline!
Victor Wembanyama times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A defensive rebound at the buzzer!
Fans hold up the game signs for Jesus Christ! What a scene!
LeBron James nails an alley-oop with the shot clock winding down! Clutch!
Victor Wembanyama hugs the coach! This legit talent with a complete performance!
Bonnie Blue and Mary share a 30-second hug. Victor Wembanyama wants in. Gets pushed away. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
93-103 (L)
Tip-off! Victor Wembanyama gets us started! Let's go!
Victor Wembanyama fires a finger roll from mid-range but can't connect! Lack of consistency showing!
This who-is-this-guy player Bonnie Blue loses concentration and the basketball with it!
Victor Wembanyama overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to rush when reading the play!
LeBron James buries a buzzer-beater from mid-range! This household name is on fire tonight!
The locker room. LeBron James sprawls out full-length on the bench. Exclusive: LeBron James was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jesus Christ can't mask the disappointment! This undisputed superstar wearing it on the sleeve!
Victor Wembanyama takes a tough scoop layup and it doesn't go! Lack of consistency in shot selection!
Mary schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true seamstress!
Jesus Christ finds a second wind! The messiah engine roars back to life!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, ego the size of Texas proved costly.
Victor Wembanyama sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Mary has her head in her hands. Tonight I learned Victor Wembanyama used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
112-95 (W)
The game begins and Bonnie Blue is ready! You can see nerves of steel written all over her face!
Victor Wembanyama pulls up the damn ball into a bank shot! An unmatched feel for the game shining through!
This absolute legend LeBron James takes the charge along the baseline! Gutsy play!
Bonnie Blue serves it on a platter! A tv host serving the game with style!
Victor Wembanyama slows the pace when the team needs it! This established player tempo control!
Break. Mary's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Exclusive info: Mary is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
What a play by Bonnie Blue! A sky hook from mid-range! This surprise package is cooking!
An electric crowd as Jesus Christ nails a bucket! The messiah delivers!
Mary makes the extra pass! Extra effort, the seamstress way!
Mary channels their inner seamstress,competing the game made these hands!
Victor Wembanyama, this big fella, acknowledges the fans! Wild stands! A bench mob celebration!
Victor Wembanyama and LeBron James leap onto each other like kids. Bonnie Blue comes sprinting in and crushes them both. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
97-98 (L)
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama opens the scoring! A sky hook! Early advantage!
Bonnie Blue dishes through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Mary overcommits! Going all-in like a seamstress on the game, but wrong!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, gets stuffed trying a bucket! Denied!
Victor Wembanyama forces the turnover! This name that's buzzing creating opportunities on both ends!
End of the first act. Mary is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Physio's confession: Mary purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Bonnie Blue attacks and bricks it! Injury-prone body in the fourth quarter!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, refuses to high-five! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the chemistry!
Jesus Christ carries the weight of their bare hands and the rock with equal grace!
Victor Wembanyama throws it away with the game on the line! Ego the size of Texas!
Bonnie Blue shakes hands through the pain! A tv host who respects their bare hands and the game!
Bonnie Blue replays the score in her head on a loop. Mary tries to think about something else. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
106-109 (L)
LeBron James, this first-ballot legend, draws first blood! A half-court heave to start!
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama erupts for a half-court heave! The floodgates are open!
Bonnie Blue fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a tv host chasing the game!
The rim rejects Mary! The rim says no! Even a seamstress gets rejected sometimes!
Mary keeps the faith! The faith of a seamstress in the game!
Heading in. Bonnie Blue's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. They say Bonnie Blue has a ritual where she touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Bonnie Blue turns it over at the jump ball! Worst time to drop the leather!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Mary rises up with conviction! This basketball god believes tonight is the night!
Bonnie Blue fumbles the inbound! Monday morning vibes from this tv host!
Victor Wembanyama, this hooper's hooper, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Mary taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Jesus Christ walks through the door without pushing it. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
87-112 (L)
Mary, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Victor Wembanyama dunks the rock into the front rim! That's frustrating for this up-and-coming baller!
LeBron James, this beanpole, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!
Mary lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this household name fooled!
Bonnie Blue, this undersized spark plug, glides at the buzzer for a silky sky hook!
End of the first half. Victor Wembanyama is beet red but still standing. Confession: Victor Wembanyama believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Mary drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
LeBron James, this long boy, can't get an and-one to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Mary, this versatile guy, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Next-level basketball IQ!
Bonnie Blue can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of competing the game!
Mary tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Victor Wembanyama walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Bonnie Blue drags one foot after the other. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-109 (L)
This absolute legend LeBron James comes out aggressive! Opens with a pull-up jumper at the top of the key!
Jesus Christ can't buy a bucket! Another miss under the basket! Frustrating!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over limited stamina!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, knifes through for a finger roll off the pick and roll! Wow!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Mary to massage her thighs. Anecdote: Mary threw up before her first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Mary looks to the heavens! A seamstress praying for their bare hands to work!
Victor Wembanyama, this towering presence, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to rush!
Jesus Christ spaces the floor! Making room out there like a messiah clears the workspace!
This absolute legend Mary calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking its toll!
Bonnie Blue gave it everything! Everything a tv host has, left on the court!
Jesus Christ avoids the cameras like the plague. Mary gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I learned backstage that Mary also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
111-108 (W)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
Victor Wembanyama a clutch steal with authority! This absolute unit protecting the paint!
Jesus Christ misfires! The messiah's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Bonnie Blue scores the go-ahead! A tv host who always finishes the job on time!
Victor Wembanyama, this long boy, sets a brick-wall screen! Insane court vision on full display!
The players leave the court. Mary clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Mary knits to unwind? Made a scarf in New York Over-Timers's colors. By accident, obviously. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
LeBron James, this tree of a man, muscles through for a reverse layup in crunch time!
Jesus Christ switches seamlessly! Versatile as a messiah switching between their bare hands and the game!
The arena is electric! This potential breakout star Bonnie Blue thriving in a crowd fully behind them!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Mary with the monster monster swat during crunch time! Saved the game!
What a game for Jesus Christ! Tomorrow's the game will feel easy after this!
Jesus Christ performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Mary imitates it. It's worse. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
102-110 (L)
Victor Wembanyama, this mammoth, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
Jesus Christ misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Bonnie Blue trips up in the left wing! A tv host never trips at work... Right?
Bonnie Blue bites on the fake! Fooled like a tv host by counterfeit the game!
LeBron James converts a tough buzzer beater at the top of the key! Skill level: elite!
Halftime whistle. Bonnie Blue has dried blood on her elbow but plays tough. Did you know? Bonnie Blue once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Bonnie Blue forces a half-court heave from way beyond the arc! This dude out of nowhere trying too hard!
LeBron James takes off into the right spacing! An unmatched feel for the game and elite court awareness!
Bonnie Blue struggles in crunch time! The tv host hitting the wall with the game!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Victor Wembanyama replays the score in his head on a loop. Mary tries to think about something else. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-118 (L)
LeBron James penetrates onto the floor! The crowd roars for this undisputed superstar!
Mary, this household name, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Mary forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Victor Wembanyama gives up the back door! Heavy feet when overplaying!
LeBron James storms to the bench! This generational talent is visibly upset!
Break. Mary asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Rumor has it Mary has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Jesus Christ dribbles the rock awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this all-time great!
Bonnie Blue short-arms the shot from fatigue! This total unknown has nothing left!
Mary throws it away! A pass worse than a seamstress tossing the game!
Mary can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the basketball frustration!
Mary consoles teammates! The heart of a seamstress in that moment!
Victor Wembanyama sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. LeBron James puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-112 (L)
Mary explodes into position! This certified GOAT candidate not wasting any time!
Mary, this smooth operator, gets the look on the low block but the lid's on the rim!
Turnover by Bonnie Blue! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
This absolute legend LeBron James commits the and-one foul! Hot head in positioning!
Jesus Christ with the step-back bucket! Creating space like a messiah with their bare hands!
Back in the locker room, LeBron James sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know? LeBron James has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
This all-time great LeBron James throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Victor Wembanyama gets a clean look but defense that's basically a suggestion costs the bucket!
This player on the come-up Victor Wembanyama adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
This franchise cornerstone Mary can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
LeBron James blows past to the tunnel in disappointment. This franchise cornerstone will learn from this.
LeBron James pulls his cap down over his eyes. Victor Wembanyama doesn't have a cap, and it shows. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
95-124 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the palace of hoops! From competing the game to this, game time!
Jesus Christ bobbles and misses! Fumbling the leather like it's a Monday morning!
Bonnie Blue dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the tv host's finest moment!
LeBron James gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to rush!
Victor Wembanyama, this hooper's hooper, drops a layup under the basket! Pure artistry!
Halftime. Victor Wembanyama's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Exclusive: Victor Wembanyama was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Mary stares in disbelief! The look of a seamstress who just lost everything!
A fadeaway jumper from Bonnie Blue catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
LeBron James, this absolute legend, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a reverse layup!
This global icon Mary has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Victor Wembanyama reflects on what could have been. Ego the size of Texas the difference tonight.
Victor Wembanyama refuses the coach's embrace. LeBron James accepts it but his body is stiff. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
My Team finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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