My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Bear Grylls. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Deji Olatunji is on this team. Deji Olatunji, who is a youtuber and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their camera under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-124 (L)
Deji Olatunji, this dark horse, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
CiccioGamer89 steps back but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Deji Olatunji takes off carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Bear Grylls beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the uncharted wild slipping from an explorer!
Morgan Freeman can't mask the disappointment! This certified GOAT candidate wearing it on the sleeve!
Break. Bear Grylls asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Physio's confession: Bear Grylls purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Bear Grylls gets blocked! Rejected harder than an explorer's worst day on the job!
CiccioGamer89 bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a youtuber after their camera overtime!
Bear Grylls, this tweener, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
Harry Potter argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Morgan Freeman shakes hands through the pain! A film producer who respects their loaded checkbook and the game!
Bear Grylls watches the crowd file out in silence. Morgan Freeman prefers not to look. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
74-119 (L)
Harry Potter takes the court to a cathedral silence! The quidditch player with their bare hands is here!
Air ball from Bear Grylls! Being an explorer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Deji Olatunji with the careless pass! Captivating the algorithm with more care, please!
This generational talent Harry Potter gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to force bad shots when boxing out!
Bear Grylls mouths off at right from the tip-off! An explorer venting about the uncharted wild!
End of the first act. Deji Olatunji is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Staff confession: Deji Olatunji is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Harry Potter misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bare hands at the game!
Harry Potter stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a quidditch player over the game!
Bear Grylls with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the uncharted wild!
Deji Olatunji storms to the bench! Heated! This youtuber doesn't handle losing well!
This franchise cornerstone Harry Potter tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Bear Grylls claps his hands in frustration. Morgan Freeman clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
77-121 (L)
Bear Grylls, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Natural-born leadership from the jump!
Bear Grylls can't convert the open shot! Breaching the uncharted wild is way easier!
Harry Potter loses the damn ball! A quidditch player would never be this careless!
Bear Grylls gets blown by! Even an explorer couldn't stop that!
Bear Grylls, this solid build, sits down hard on the bench! Hot head written all over his face!
Halftime. The doctor examines Harry Potter's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote: Harry Potter slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Harry Potter shanks it from the low post! Competing the game uses different muscles!
This dark horse Deji Olatunji has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Intercepted! Morgan Freeman's pass snatched right out of the air! A film producer would never be that careless!
Deji Olatunji shakes their head! A youtuber who can't believe that just happened!
Deji Olatunji sits alone on the bench. This surprise package processing the defeat.
Harry Potter sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Bear Grylls has his head in his hands. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
84-128 (L)
Bear Grylls wins the opening tip! Tipping off with explorer energy!
Brick! Morgan Freeman misfires from way beyond the arc! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
This certified GOAT candidate Morgan Freeman commits the 5-second violation! Clock management occasional mental lapses!
CiccioGamer89 gambles for the steal and pays the price! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Deji Olatunji posts up the towel! This raw talent showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
Halftime. Deji Olatunji glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little scoop: Deji Olatunji collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Harry Potter misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
Deji Olatunji is gassed! This surprise package bent over at half court! Injury-prone body catching up!
Deji Olatunji with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost youtuber!
Deji Olatunji pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The youtuber in them is showing!
Morgan Freeman refuses to make excuses! A film producer owns the risky picture failures too!
CiccioGamer89 lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Harry Potter holds his in. I learned tonight that CiccioGamer89 used to be an explorer. That explains the unique running style. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
77-122 (L)
CiccioGamer89 stretches center court! Loosening up, the youtuber is getting ready!
Morgan Freeman fires a buzzer-beater facing the rim but can't connect! Occasional mental lapses showing!
CiccioGamer89 dribbles it off their foot! Their camera would never betray a youtuber like that!
Deji Olatunji loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
Deji Olatunji, this tweener, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Players head to the locker room. Morgan Freeman has tape on three fingers. Did you know Morgan Freeman started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Morgan Freeman launches the Wilson into nothing! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display tonight!
Deji Olatunji misses from fatigue! This dark horse can't get the elevation from way beyond the arc!
This raw talent Deji Olatunji forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Bear Grylls kicks the air! The frustration of an explorer who knows they can do better!
Bear Grylls absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, an explorer knows tough days!
Bear Grylls chews his nails on the bench. Morgan Freeman stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
73-117 (L)
Bear Grylls steps onto the venue! From breaching the uncharted wild to this, game time!
Bear Grylls, this combo guard, wastes a golden chance with a wild finger roll!
Morgan Freeman throws it away! A pass worse than a film producer tossing the risky picture!
Morgan Freeman overcommits! Going all-in like a film producer on the risky picture, but wrong!
Morgan Freeman tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the film producer will bounce back!
Break! Morgan Freeman heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. I've been told Morgan Freeman always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Bear Grylls throws up a clunker! The worn compass would weep at that trajectory!
Harry Potter can't get lift! Legs heavy as their bare hands after the four quarters!
Deji Olatunji throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the youtuber got too confident!
Harry Potter vents at their teammates! The quidditch player who vents about the game!
Bear Grylls reflects on what could have been. Heavy feet the difference tonight.
Bear Grylls stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Harry Potter comes back to get him. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
82-126 (L)
Morgan Freeman, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A sold-out gym on fire!
A devastating dunk from Bear Grylls hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
This multi-time All-Star Bear Grylls with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Harry Potter gets burned on the drive! Occasional mental lapses in lateral movement!
This jersey-selling name Bear Grylls gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Back in the locker room, CiccioGamer89 sits down and stares at the ceiling. Juicy anecdote: CiccioGamer89 was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Morgan Freeman heaves and misses! Should have heaved the risky picture instead!
Bear Grylls grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than the worn compass in the workshop!
This player nobody saw coming Deji Olatunji gets pickpocketed in the paint! Sloppy handling!
Harry Potter slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a quidditch player hits the workbench!
Harry Potter vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Bear Grylls taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Deji Olatunji walks through the door without pushing it. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-120 (L)
Deji Olatunji opens with a deep three! This surprise package making an early statement!
CiccioGamer89 can't find the range! Their camera has better accuracy than that!
Harry Potter gets picked! A quidditch player getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
This certified bucket Bear Grylls commits the and-one foul! Tendency to force bad shots in positioning!
Morgan Freeman drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a film producer's spirit has limits!
Back in the locker room, Deji Olatunji sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know? Deji Olatunji once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
That one wasn't even close, Morgan Freeman! Stick to greenlighting the risky picture!
CiccioGamer89, this dark horse, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This dark horse CiccioGamer89 dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This max-contract guy Bear Grylls shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
This newcomer Deji Olatunji congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this newcomer.
CiccioGamer89 watches the crowd file out in silence. Deji Olatunji prefers not to look. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
78-123 (L)
Bear Grylls, this headliner, embraces the immense pressure! Game on!
Deji Olatunji launches the rock but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Bear Grylls commits the live-ball turnover! The worn compass would be ashamed!
Morgan Freeman, this all-around player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over injury-prone body!
This hall-of-fame lock Harry Potter hangs the head after the miss! Deflated back to the basket!
Break. Deji Olatunji asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: Deji Olatunji failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Bear Grylls shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! An explorer lost in the noise!
Deji Olatunji gulps water! As thirsty as a youtuber reaching for the algorithm!
Bear Grylls double-dribbles! Breaching the uncharted wild doesn't have that rule!
Deji Olatunji stares in disbelief! The look of a youtuber who just lost everything!
Deji Olatunji walks off in defeat! Even a youtuber's skills couldn't save tonight!
Deji Olatunji stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Harry Potter comes back to get him. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
76-120 (L)
Bear Grylls bounces the Spalding pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Bear Grylls whiffs on the jumper! An explorer off their game with the worn compass!
Harry Potter turns it over in the restricted area! Butterfingers from this quidditch player!
Harry Potter can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
CiccioGamer89, this unknown gem, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. The doctor examines Deji Olatunji's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Quick anecdote about Deji Olatunji: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Off the mark for Harry Potter! Great quidditch player, not so great at basketball tonight!
CiccioGamer89 is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure youtuber stubbornness!
Morgan Freeman loses the ball in traffic! This potential GOAT can't afford that!
Deji Olatunji looks to the heavens! A youtuber praying for their camera to work!
Deji Olatunji drives to the tunnel in disappointment. This rising star will learn from this.
Bear Grylls whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Morgan Freeman nods without conviction. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-127 (L)
Morgan Freeman starts in the playmaker! Playing the playmaker way a film producer plays with their loaded checkbook!
Bear Grylls rises up and fires but misses everything! Shaky emotions under pressure tonight!
Deji Olatunji coughs up the pill! Tendency to force bad shots strikes again from mid-range!
Morgan Freeman reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to force bad shots on the help side!
Deji Olatunji glares at the scoreboard! This dude out of nowhere not happy with the situation!
Halftime whistle. Morgan Freeman spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Morgan Freeman slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
CiccioGamer89 clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their camera hitting the algorithm!
Morgan Freeman struggles in the second quarter! The film producer hitting the wall with the risky picture!
Turnover by Deji Olatunji! Captivating the algorithm requires less coordination, clearly!
Morgan Freeman fires away and kicks the stanchion! This living legend losing composure!
Harry Potter steps back past the media. This once-in-a-lifetime player not in the mood to talk.
Deji Olatunji refuses the coach's embrace. CiccioGamer89 accepts it but his body is stiff. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-128 (L)
Opening possession for Harry Potter! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Deji Olatunji misses! Even a youtuber can't fix that shot!
Deji Olatunji throws it into the stands! What was that from this hidden prospect!
This big-name player Bear Grylls can't recover! Scored on at half court! Hot head!
This certified GOAT candidate Harry Potter stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Halftime. CiccioGamer89 is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Exclusive info: CiccioGamer89 is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Morgan Freeman with the contested sky hook off the pick and roll! No good! Bad selection!
Harry Potter asks for the ball to slow the pace! This undisputed superstar needs air!
Morgan Freeman forces the pass! Forcing their loaded checkbook where it doesn't fit!
Morgan Freeman throws their hands up! Like a film producer when their loaded checkbook breaks!
Bear Grylls hangs their head! An explorer who gave everything they had!
Deji Olatunji clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. CiccioGamer89 fidgets with his wristband nervously. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-129 (L)
The den welcomes Bear Grylls! The explorer with the uncharted wild has arrived!
Bear Grylls forces a bad alley-oop! This big-name player needs to trust teammates!
CiccioGamer89, this versatile guy, gets stripped at the top of the key! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Morgan Freeman gives up the easy bucket! Easier than greenlighting the risky picture!
Morgan Freeman walks away muttering! Muttering about the risky picture under their breath!
Halftime whistle. Harry Potter has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. They say Harry Potter eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Morgan Freeman, this smooth operator, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to force bad shots!
Harry Potter short-arms the shot from fatigue! This global icon has nothing left!
Morgan Freeman with a wild pass that sails out! This guy with rings on every finger giving it away!
Harry Potter, this household name, with the frustrated foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in tough moments!
This global icon Harry Potter stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this global icon wanted.
CiccioGamer89 leaves the court at a jog. Morgan Freeman stays there, planted at center court, motionless. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-124 (L)
Morgan Freeman lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this hall-of-fame lock!
Bear Grylls misfires! The explorer's precision with the uncharted wild is nowhere to be found!
Morgan Freeman launches into a dead end in transition! Turnover! Limited stamina!
CiccioGamer89 can't stay in front! Captivating the algorithm doesn't build lateral quickness!
Morgan Freeman, this generational talent, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
The locker room fills up. Harry Potter has already eaten three oranges. Bus driver's confession: Harry Potter raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Bear Grylls, this versatile guy, gets the separation but can't finish! Ego the size of Texas!
Harry Potter misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
CiccioGamer89 coughs it up! A youtuber's grip doesn't work on the basketball!
Bear Grylls, this franchise guy, yells at the coaching staff! Limited stamina causing friction!
Bear Grylls fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the explorer gave everything!
Bear Grylls walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Deji Olatunji speeds up. Wants it to be over. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-126 (L)
Morgan Freeman takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Deji Olatunji misfires on the floater! Too much float, the youtuber touch abandoned them!
CiccioGamer89 turns it over at with seconds left on the clock! A youtuber dropping their camera at the worst time!
Deji Olatunji loses their assignment! Like losing their camera in the workshop!
This guy everybody knows Bear Grylls fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to rush showing!
Break! Deji Olatunji heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. True story: Deji Olatunji walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Awkward. Break's over, the players take their positions.
CiccioGamer89 skips it off the rim! The algorithm has better hop than that!
CiccioGamer89 spins but the legs won't cooperate! Lack of consistency catching up!
Bear Grylls, this solid build, commits the travel! Injury-prone body in the footwork!
Morgan Freeman waves off the play! The authority of a film producer in that gesture!
CiccioGamer89 leaves the temple of basketball quietly! Quiet as a youtuber after the algorithm setback!
Bear Grylls isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Deji Olatunji tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Bear Grylls's name. Forgive me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Bear Grylls.
Season journal
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
_(cropped)_3.jpg%3Fwidth%3D150&w=150)
