My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. The chef's surprise of the evening is Hulk. A scientist by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the hidden truth with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-117 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the venue! From competing the game to this, game time!
Superman, this global icon, pulls the trigger on the low block but no luck!
This household name Hulk loses concentration and the leather with it!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, gets dunked on in the paint! Poster material!
Hulk walks away muttering! Muttering about the hidden truth under their breath!
Halftime! Superman checks his stats on the board and winces. I've been told Superman once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Superman, this tweener, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates at the buzzer!
This basketball god Jesus Christ has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Godzilla with the lazy pass! Shaky emotions under pressure leading to easy points!
Superman, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
Superman walks off in silence. This absolute legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Hulk pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Michael Jordan takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
102-101 (W)
This big-name player Godzilla comes out firing! An and-one in the first minute!
This franchise cornerstone Superman comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla puts up a tear drop but it won't fall! Off night!
A hook shot from Michael Jordan! Another dagger! This living legend closing the door!
Superman outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a superhero with their bare hands!
Halftime whistle! Godzilla grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Godzilla entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Superman, this guy with rings on every finger, orchestrates the last possession! A buzzer beater! Perfection!
Hulk with a defensive stop! The reflexes of a scientist catching the hidden truth!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the standing ovation! A crowd fully behind them!
Godzilla converts in traffic during the closing moments! A pull-up jumper! Next-level basketball IQ!
Superman steps back off the court victorious! This all-time great leaves it all out there!
Superman makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Hulk makes a bigger heart. Jesus Christ makes a massive heart. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-107 (L)
The game begins and Jesus Christ is ready! You can see an off-the-charts basketball IQ written all over his face!
Godzilla with another deep three! You can't stop this man!
Superman gets screened out of the play! This global icon lost in traffic!
Superman, this household name, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Hulk posts up and scores! The comeback is on! This first-ballot legend believing!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Superman to massage his thighs. Little secret: Superman watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jesus Christ misses the game-tying shot! Even a messiah couldn't save that one!
Jesus Christ picks up the second technical! This household name ejected! Injury-prone body!
From scientist life to dominating the court, Hulk's journey is remarkable!
This household name Jesus Christ gets the look but can't convert! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Hulk, this smooth operator, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Michael Jordan is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Godzilla waits at the tunnel entrance. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
85-107 (L)
Hulk stretches center court! Loosening up, the scientist is getting ready!
Michael Jordan, this global icon, comes up empty! A free throw off target facing the rim!
Godzilla, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted facing the rim!
This big-name player Godzilla fouls reaching in! Sometimes predictable game on defense!
Hulk drops a free throw from the three-point line! Range that would impress any scientist!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Superman to massage his thighs. Did you know? Superman launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Jesus Christ glares at the pill! Like it personally betrayed this messiah!
Brick! Superman misfires from the right corner! Limited stamina at the worst time!
Michael Jordan posts up to the weak side! This potential GOAT exploiting the rotation!
Superman, this tweener, with tired legs off the pick and roll! Shaky emotions under pressure slowing this certified GOAT candidate down!
This absolute legend Michael Jordan stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this absolute legend wanted.
Superman clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Hulk fidgets with his wristband nervously. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
89-133 (L)
Game time! Hulk and this guy with rings on every finger ready to put on a show at the arena!
Hulk rushes a double-clutch layup from the left corner! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Superman crosses over carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Hulk can't contain the drive! Discoverring the hidden truth is more containable!
Jesus Christ, this global icon, refuses to high-five! Limited stamina hurting the chemistry!
Rest time. Godzilla isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Rumor has it Godzilla has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Hulk misfires in the paint! Their lab notebook calibration needed!
Godzilla short-arms the shot from fatigue! This established star has nothing left!
Hulk with the errant pass! This hall-of-fame lock needs to settle down!
This elite player Godzilla can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this guy with rings on every finger.
Michael Jordan mutters while walking out. Superman watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Evening confession: I'm wearing Michael Jordan's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
91-111 (L)
Hulk wins the opening tip! Tipping off with scientist energy!
That one wasn't even close, Hulk! Stick to discoverring the hidden truth!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan gets pickpocketed under the basket! Sloppy handling!
Jesus Christ gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!
This generational talent Michael Jordan punishes the defense with a layup in transition!
First half is done. Superman is chugging Gatorade like it's water. True story: Superman walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Awkward. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This all-time great Superman shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Superman dunks the damn ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Michael Jordan, this first-ballot legend, orchestrates the delay game! Nerves of steel in action!
Hulk posts up a step slower than usual! Occasional mental lapses in the tank!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hulk collapses into the first available chair. Michael Jordan stays standing, eyes glazed over. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
80-124 (L)
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, sets the tone immediately! A killer instinct from the jump!
Godzilla with the contested bank shot at half court! No good! Bad selection!
Jesus Christ gets picked! A messiah getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Godzilla reacts too late to rotate! Defense that's basically a suggestion on the help side!
Superman rises up the towel! This once-in-a-lifetime player showing injury-prone body!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Michael Jordan to massage his thighs. I've been told Michael Jordan always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Jesus Christ air-mails a catch-and-shoot triple on the low block! Way off for this undisputed superstar!
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Jesus Christ walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to messiah life tomorrow!
Jesus Christ stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Michael Jordan comes back to get him. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-128 (L)
Superman locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a superhero who means business!
Jesus Christ misses the open look! A messiah never misses the game... But misses the Wilson!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, fouls unnecessarily in transition! Occasional mental lapses!
Hulk glares at the scoreboard! This hall-of-fame lock not happy with the situation!
Halftime. Godzilla throws his towel on the floor walking in. Juicy intel: Godzilla turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan with a rare miss from mid-range! Even the best stumble!
Michael Jordan, this potential GOAT, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
Jesus Christ passes to nobody! This global icon with a head-scratching decision!
Hulk kicks the air! The frustration of a scientist who knows they can do better!
Godzilla had the chances but couldn't convert. This jersey-selling name left wanting.
Michael Jordan closes his eyes walking out. Jesus Christ keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-116 (L)
Superman takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this potential GOAT!
Godzilla, this do-it-all player, fumbles the entry pass in transition!
Superman loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan erupts for a pull-up jumper! The floodgates are open!
That's a wrap for now. Superman dives into the tunnel. Word is Superman sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Godzilla lets fly and kicks the stanchion! This certified bucket losing composure!
Superman can't score in the fourth quarter! This superhero is way off tonight!
Jesus Christ exploits the soft spot in the key! Soft as the game under their bare hands!
This certified bucket Godzilla calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Tendency to force bad shots taking its toll!
Michael Jordan sits alone on the bench. This generational talent processing the defeat.
Michael Jordan kicks his towel across the floor. Godzilla has already left for the locker room, alone. Evening confession: I'm wearing Michael Jordan's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
79-123 (L)
Superman starts in the center! Playing the center way a superhero plays with their bare hands!
Hulk bricks another one! Building something awful with their lab notebook tonight!
Michael Jordan throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure from the left corner!
Hulk caught flat-footed! Standing still, the scientist reflexes took a nap!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, waves off the play call! Occasional mental lapses hurting the team!
Back to the locker room. Hulk punches his locker. Staff confession: Hulk is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Hulk can't find the range! Their lab notebook has better accuracy than that!
Superman drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Superman dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the superhero's finest moment!
Michael Jordan storms to the bench! This household name is visibly upset!
Hulk tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we discovers better, like the hidden truth!'
Jesus Christ hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Michael Jordan keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
74-118 (L)
This big-name player Godzilla opens the scoring! A double-clutch layup! Early advantage!
Michael Jordan, this guy with rings on every finger, with a contested scoop layup that misses from the right corner!
Jesus Christ loses the leather! A messiah would never be this careless!
Michael Jordan gets burned on the drive! Tendency to rush in lateral movement!
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, yells at the coaching staff! Limited stamina causing friction!
Halftime. Michael Jordan throws his towel on the floor walking in. Rumor has it Michael Jordan does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
A thunderous slam from Hulk hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
Godzilla bends over during the dead ball! This top-tier talent gathering what's left!
Godzilla dishes into a trap! Lack of consistency when reading the defense!
Superman is visibly upset! Upset as a superhero when the game goes sideways!
Hulk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the scientist gave everything!
Hulk bites his lip, fists clenched. Jesus Christ shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-130 (L)
Jesus Christ bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, can't get a buzzer beater to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Intercepted! Superman's pass snatched right out of the air! A superhero would never be that careless!
Superman gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a superhero's worst day on the job!
Hulk, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
The players leave the court. Michael Jordan clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know? Michael Jordan tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Superman penetrates but overcooks it! Occasional mental lapses showing up again!
Jesus Christ goes to work sluggishly! Heavy feet catching up with this franchise cornerstone!
Michael Jordan charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots when controlling pace!
Superman pulls up angrily after the turnover! This guy with rings on every finger spiraling!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Godzilla kicks his towel across the floor. Jesus Christ has already left for the locker room, alone. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-126 (L)
Superman posts up into position! This all-time great not wasting any time!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild half-court heave!
Hulk throws it out of bounds! Like launching their lab notebook into the void!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan bites on the fake! Beaten from downtown!
Michael Jordan mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
Break! Michael Jordan has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. The staff told me Michael Jordan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Jesus Christ fires a two-handed slam off the pick and roll but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Superman needs oxygen! More winded than a superhero after overtime!
Hulk double-dribbles! Discoverring the hidden truth doesn't have that rule!
Michael Jordan, this guy with rings on every finger, barks at the teammate! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Michael Jordan reflects on what could have been. Tendency to rush the difference tonight.
Jesus Christ rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Godzilla picks up his own and folds it carefully. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-122 (L)
Godzilla, this guy everybody knows, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Superman can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a superhero always hits!
Jesus Christ with a wild pass that sails out! This franchise cornerstone giving it away!
Michael Jordan, this giant, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over hot head!
Jesus Christ vents at their teammates! The messiah who vents about the game!
Halftime whistle. Godzilla spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Intel: Godzilla refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, can't finish along the baseline! That one stings!
Godzilla grabs the shorts! This certified bucket is running on fumes!
Hulk with the backcourt violation! A scientist going backwards with the hidden truth!
Michael Jordan mutters to himself walking back! This generational talent fighting inner demons!
Superman sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a superhero after their bare hands broke!
Hulk mutters 'damn' under his breath. Jesus Christ says 'yeah' in the same tone. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-131 (L)
Godzilla pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This All-Star caliber talent locked in!
Michael Jordan with a wild attempt! This absolute legend not finding the range tonight!
Sloppy handling by Hulk! Discoverring the hidden truth is done with more finesse!
Superman gets caught flat-footed! This absolute legend beaten to the spot!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ fouls hard out of frustration! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Jesus Christ walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Michael Jordan, this once-in-a-lifetime player, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Superman labors up the court! Trudging like a superhero dragging the game!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
Jesus Christ argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Godzilla closes his eyes walking out. Michael Jordan keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season journal
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