My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

87-131 (L)

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Hulk spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! That is a dime from Wally West that deserved so much better, and Hulk knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Cade Cunningham launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Baseline wide open. LeBron James said thank you. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on LeBron James, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

LeBron James kicks it over to Wally West, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Wally West keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Wally West goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Break! Galactus has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Staff confession: Galactus is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Dancing with the Substitutes! To win a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS, text HOOPS to 555-0421 and answer this question: 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Wally West has all the room in the world. Wally West catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Swing, swing, and Wally West finds Hulk on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Kick out to Hulk, one more to Wally West, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The crowd has found its chant, and Wally West is going to be hearing it all night.

A superhero breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! In, around, and gone. The iron gives Wally West nothing.

One hard jab step and Wally West is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. Reach-in on Cade Cunningham. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and LeBron James gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Cade Cunningham loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Pointing up at the family section, Cade Cunningham taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Cade Cunningham retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Cade Cunningham pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. No wasted motion at all from Cade Cunningham. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Cade Cunningham disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Wally West is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Whistles. Monitor. And Cade Cunningham standing frozen at midcourt. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Cade Cunningham when that light comes on. Waved off.

Cade Cunningham walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Wally West drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Dancing with the Substitutes! Ethelene Chumley of Cracker Barrel Bottom, Maryland, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' The answer was of course a committee, and they meet on Tuesdays. Ethelene takes home a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Cade Cunningham's name. Forgive me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

92-109 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Hulk who wins the little argument at center court.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Clean feed from LeBron James, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The superhero just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Oh my. Wally West did not even draw iron.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Cade Cunningham attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Cade Cunningham he is on the wrong end of it.

Halftime. Hulk is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Hulk does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Wally West pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the superhero is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Box-out from a grown man there. Hulk seals, elevates and SNATCHES it out of the air with two hands. Everything starts with that release, Hulk hitting Wally West in full flight before the defense has even turned around. Wally West converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Nobody is touching the paint with the player parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. Verticality, timing, discipline: Wally West never bites on the pump fake and still finds a way to erase the shot.

Over the top of everybody. LeBron James to Galactus in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Oldest play in the book, and Galactus runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Hulk!

SPIN and GO! Wally West pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Wally West is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Wally West walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The scientist just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the scientist! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and LeBron James makes it every single trip down the floor. Galactus comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Reverse layup by Galactus, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Slow walk, no expression. Galactus backpedals past the Miami Heart-Attack huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

LeBron James's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Hulk hides his eyes under a towel. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

91-122 (L)

The league mails out fines for that, and Cade Cunningham should expect an envelope. Officials have seen the act far too often.

Laser from LeBron James, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Cade Cunningham, and not one single soul could do anything about it. So close. Cade Cunningham can only stare at the iron.

OHHHH the separation! Cade Cunningham just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Rises, releases, and Cade Cunningham sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Wally West threw it before the help even committed. OHHHH the pocket pass! Cade Cunningham splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Two points left on the floor by LeBron James, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. Screened, toasted, done. Wally West is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Wally West builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Wally West to massage his thighs. Intel: Wally West refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! To win a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it, text HOOPS to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Baseline spin from Cade Cunningham at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Rim out for Cade Cunningham, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Cade Cunningham, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Down, up, and gone for Cade Cunningham. The rim is just toying with him now.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

LeBron James rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Fouled out. LeBron James gets a standing ovation on the walk off, and he earned every single decibel of it.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Look how low Cade Cunningham keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Cade Cunningham rises over the defender and it falls through.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH the pin-down! Wally West pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Galactus. Brutal. The superhero just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Wally West kicks his towel across the floor. Hulk has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! Cletus Ogletree of Hominy Corners, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The answer was of course eighty six percent, and his name is Gary. Cletus therefore wins a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

96-120 (L)

The player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Set called, Cade Cunningham waved out to the corner, and Wally West watches the spacing open up like a front door. Watch LeBron James plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Cade Cunningham out of that corner in a blink. No touch. Cade Cunningham left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Hulk goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. Careful now. Three fouls this early means Hulk plays the next stretch with his hands straight up in the air.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The locker room fills up. Galactus has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Galactus once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! To win a bathrobe that is technically a curtain, text HOOPS to 555-0827 and answer this question: 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: LeBron James to Cade Cunningham, catch and rise.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Cade Cunningham strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Wally West carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Wally West has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Cade Cunningham precisely where the play wanted it. Hesitate, GO. Cade Cunningham is by that hip before the man even blinks. Gift wrapped by Hulk, and Cade Cunningham cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Cade Cunningham has known that all night long. Galactus drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Clang. LeBron James wants that one back.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. LeBron James had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

OHHHH the help side! Hulk comes flying out of nowhere and that drive is DEAD on arrival! No block, no foul, just Hulk being ENORMOUS in the lane, and that shot never had a chance.

Here comes the slip from LeBron James, and Wally West reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Perfect drop-off from Cade Cunningham, and LeBron James answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Hulk. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that LeBron James has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

LeBron James pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Galactus closes his eyes walking out. Hulk keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! Bernice Chadwick of Cabbage Patch Corners, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The answer was of course two million and change, and not one pair matches. Bernice therefore wins a bathrobe that is technically a curtain! Did you know that Hulk practices superhero on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

116-101 (W)

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. LeBron James stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot LeBron James should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Wally West punishes it with a read most guys never even see. The scientist just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Hulk never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Wally West gives it up to Cade Cunningham on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. ONIONS from Cade Cunningham! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. Two shots, two makes. Cade Cunningham does not flinch.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

There was a clean look available and instead Wally West drives into three bodies and loses the handle. That is what a cold spell does to a good player. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the superhero, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

The players file out. LeBron James exchanges a tense look with the coach. Rumor has it LeBron James has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, LeBron James gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for LeBron James, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet. Muscled away at the second jump by LeBron James, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. Second chance points for LeBron James, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Chest bump so violent that LeBron James and Cade Cunningham both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

No hero ball here: LeBron James takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Wally West rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Way short from Wally West off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Watch the spacing there, LeBron James hits Galactus right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Right through the window. Galactus to Hulk on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Hulk blows the wide open layup!

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Five bodies moving as one, Cade Cunningham barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. The entry pass goes in, Galactus beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up.

Ball moves. LeBron James to Galactus, on time and on target. Galactus hands it off to LeBron James, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Galactus scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Bench energy is real currency over a long season, and Galactus just handed his teammates a full bank account. The chasedown is the hardest hustle play in this sport, and Cade Cunningham just made it look routine.

LeBron James, Cade Cunningham, and Galactus pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

79-116 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

SKIP PASS! Cade Cunningham fires it cross court to LeBron James and the defense is dead in the water! Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to LeBron James, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. LeBron James backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

Watch the spacing there, Cade Cunningham hits Hulk right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The scientist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Getting to his spot and elevating, LeBron James puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Clean feed from Cade Cunningham, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. LeBron James tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

Halftime. Hulk's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Rumor has it Hulk does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Buckets! To win a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons, text HOOPS to 555-1112 and answer this question: 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The player fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant. Galactus throws his head back, because he knows exactly what it means. His minutes are somebody else's decision now.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Lob from Wally West, and LeBron James rises above the rim to hammer it through. Filthy.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from LeBron James. Fifth possession this half where LeBron James has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

STOP AND GO! Wally West hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Wally West. Cruel.

Every single possession of that stretch goes through the player. Whatever the day job pays, it is not enough for this.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Two defenders, one gap, and Wally West finds it. Onions on that pass. Ohhh no. Cade Cunningham just walked. In front of everybody.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the superhero in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Brutal for the superhero, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Hulk pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Galactus takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game show Bowling for Buckets! Tammy Lynn Housewright of Big Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The answer was of course two per bucket, three from way out, and one if somebody fouls you. Tammy Lynn therefore wins a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

76-120 (L)

Galactus times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

He is COOKING on defense right now. Cade Cunningham just made them burn a timeout to get across half court. Snatched! Cade Cunningham came out of NOWHERE for that one. BAAAANG! Wally West throws the outlet ahead and Cade Cunningham finishes through contact at the rim!

Chest bump so violent that Cade Cunningham and Wally West both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The crossover comes, Hulk bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Hulk pays for that one.

Halftime. Galactus throws his towel on the floor walking in. Fun fact: Galactus is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Clear path on Cade Cunningham. Two shots AND the ball. That is the expensive one. Not one hand went for the basketball, just a forearm through the chest of Cade Cunningham. That is the textbook definition of unnecessary contact.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, LeBron James makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Cade Cunningham made that closeout look completely pointless.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Cade Cunningham and Hulk just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Cade Cunningham.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Standing in the lane like the player is waiting on a bus that is never coming. Whistle blows, ball goes the other way.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Cade Cunningham rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. That is twice tonight Cade Cunningham has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

One little shoulder dip from Cade Cunningham and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Cade Cunningham is walking back with both hands on his head.

You do not need a scholarship to figure that one out. The superhero just stopped the clock the way people have been stopping clocks in gyms for sixty years.

Hulk scratches the back of his neck nervously. LeBron James has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

93-102 (L)

Tip is UP and Hulk gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and LeBron James just did it by hitting Galactus on the back side with acres of room. Day job, then this: the player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Cade Cunningham cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Cade Cunningham does. Shot clock at one, and Cade Cunningham just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Cade Cunningham pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Cade Cunningham rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Halftime whistle! Galactus grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Fun fact: Galactus tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Watch the sell from Galactus here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Nobody expects touch like that from the player, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Galactus points at Cade Cunningham first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Cade Cunningham again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Cade Cunningham waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Wally West controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The scientist reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Hulk had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The extra pass! LeBron James had the look, gave it up anyway, and Hulk buries it. BANG! The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Wally West just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Cade Cunningham half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. That is the shot chart lying to you. Cade Cunningham did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

AIRBALL! Cade Cunningham missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between! OFFENSIVE GLASS! Cade Cunningham beats three men to the spot! OHHHH, what a read by Cade Cunningham! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. OHHHH, LeBron James from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Straight to the logo at center court, LeBron James plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Under review. Galactus does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Galactus goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Hulk walks toward the tunnel without a word. Wally West stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

101-110 (L)

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Wally West never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! From eight feet Wally West puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Wally West already has the defense a full step behind. A cut with that timing from the player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Third one of these from Galactus this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the sell from Wally West here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Wally West snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Chest bump so violent that Wally West and LeBron James both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Two on the board for the visitors, and Hulk knows it before the officials even get their hands up.

Halftime. The doctor examines LeBron James's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Bus driver's confession: LeBron James raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A superhero making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Hulk.

Hulk pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Galactus mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Cade Cunningham makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. OHHHH THE CHASEDOWN! Galactus comes from nowhere and pins it on the glass!

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Wally West makes it every single trip down the floor. That is vision. Cade Cunningham sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Pull-up from the elbow by Galactus, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Total control. Wally West has this thing on a string. Hard drive, hard stop, and Cade Cunningham retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Cade Cunningham put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Wally West gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because LeBron James saw it a beat early. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Wally West has all the room in the world. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Wally West, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

No hero ball here: Cade Cunningham takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Galactus kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Buzzer on the shot clock, Cade Cunningham heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Wally West takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Cade Cunningham doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

89-134 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Hulk rips it out of the air and we are off.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

They drew this up in the timeout: get it to Wally West and let the other four stand there and enjoy the show. Head down, no read, no plan. Wally West bulldozes the help defender and gives away a possession for absolutely nothing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Hard drive, hard stop, and Galactus retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. The player tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Back to the locker room. Wally West's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Juicy anecdote: Wally West was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show The Sticker Shock Hour! To win a hand-tooled leather wall hanging of an eagle crying, text HOOPS to 555-1305 and answer this question: 'What is the exact weight of a basketball that has been dribbled while sad?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Wally West drops it off to LeBron James on time and on target. Textbook two-man game: LeBron James keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Cade Cunningham rolls into an open runway. Unselfish basketball. Cade Cunningham passes up a good shot and hands Hulk a GREAT one. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The scientist finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Ice in the veins: Hulk taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Wally West just did it by hitting Galactus on the back side with acres of room. Galactus rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Cade Cunningham makes it every single trip down the floor. The defender planted his feet, and LeBron James said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. That is the shot LeBron James wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Swing, swing, and LeBron James finds Cade Cunningham on the wing before the help can even turn its head. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Cade Cunningham put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! BANG is what Cade Cunningham was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Wally West did all the dirty work on that one. Pull-up from the elbow by Cade Cunningham, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Awful shot by Wally West with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing. Hustle play of the night so far. Cade Cunningham gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Second pass beats the rotation, Cade Cunningham to LeBron James, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Soft touch from LeBron James, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

LeBron James runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

The scientist is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Hulk.

Galactus hurls his water bottle at the wall. Wally West flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game show The Sticker Shock Hour! Roy Dean Hollifield of Turkey Scratch, Arkansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact weight of a basketball that has been dribbled while sad?' The answer was of course four ounces heavier than normal, because sorrow has mass. Roy Dean therefore wins a hand-tooled leather wall hanging of an eagle crying! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

83-128 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The box score will show nothing at all for the player, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Swing, swing, and Cade Cunningham finds Galactus on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Give and go! Galactus gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Galactus beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Left, right, gone. Cade Cunningham put that defender on skates and never even looked back. The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Cade Cunningham dead.

Break time. Galactus bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. I've been told Galactus once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show Pawn Stars of the Neighborhood! To win a corn dog the size of a mailbox, already gone cold, text HOOPS to 555-0433 and answer this question: 'What is the average airspeed of a paper airplane thrown from the upper deck?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Cade Cunningham threw it before the help even committed. The superhero just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Galactus gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Stone silence for one second, then Galactus lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. LeBron James answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Hulk has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball squirts loose off the knee of the superhero. Back to the day job, my friend. Back to the day job.

The superhero just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Long and gone. Wally West floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH the separation! Cade Cunningham just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Watch the feet on Cade Cunningham there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Wally West treats every miss like it belongs to him. Wally West crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

OHHHH, what a read by Wally West! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Cade Cunningham drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Hulk. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Hulk gets absolutely nothing.

Wally West stares at the floor while Cade Cunningham mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game Pawn Stars of the Neighborhood! Bud Applewhite of Cornbread Hill, Oregon, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average airspeed of a paper airplane thrown from the upper deck?' The answer was of course roughly one usher per second. Bud takes home a corn dog the size of a mailbox, already gone cold! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

96-128 (L)

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Wally West stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor. FLAGRANT ONE! The defender wipes out Wally West in midair and that is nowhere near a basketball play.

Offensive foul, Hulk. Feet were still churning. Give it back.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Hulk. Most defenders get to use their hands. Hulk has five, so he is out there guarding with his eyebrows.

First half is done. Wally West is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little scoop: Wally West tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Let Us Make a Deal! To win a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off, text HOOPS to 555-0044 and answer this question: 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

OHHHH the separation! Cade Cunningham just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Cade Cunningham up there and returns it with interest.

Cade Cunningham feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. OHHHH! Cade Cunningham went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and LeBron James has known that all night long. The scientist just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Wally West launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Whirl, and GONE! Cade Cunningham leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Not a hand on him. Cade Cunningham flat missed the bunny.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Wally West slips it to Galactus right in the pocket. Surgical. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! The player just drew a shooting foul with a veteran pump fake. Two free throws for somebody who clocks in at a real job tomorrow morning. This is exactly why the coach wants the ball in his hands late. Galactus has been money at that line all season long.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Galactus does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Watch the spacing, Wally West drags two bodies toward the ball and Hulk is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Straight back to the office for the scientist, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Wally West, and it may not matter one bit. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Wally West wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Ice in the veins: Wally West taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Hulk walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Wally West speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game Let Us Make a Deal! Herschel Bumgarner of Two Silos, Nebraska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' The answer was of course because somewhere in that building there is a sandwich with their name on it. Herschel takes home a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

81-126 (L)

Tip goes to the player, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Galactus gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Wally West saw it a beat early. A single dribble is all Galactus needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. The player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Wally West! Nothing but runway to the rim! He sets it late, he sets it wide, and he sets it while jogging. Three for three, Hulk, and the possession is gone.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Halftime whistle! Wally West slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Wally West threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Full stop, full sprint, and the superhero is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the superhero! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Wally West crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Wally West cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Feet set, chest low, hands high. The scientist will not give up that block, and the building has decided he is their guy. Wide open runway! Hulk gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the spacing there, Cade Cunningham hits Hulk right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Telegraphed. Hulk announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Swing, swing, and Wally West finds LeBron James on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Wally West eats the contact so LeBron James can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. LeBron James rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Clean feed from Cade Cunningham, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Screen, hesitation, delivery, LeBron James drops it off perfectly for Hulk diving to the rim. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Hulk owns the highlight reel tonight.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Ball moves. LeBron James to Hulk, on time and on target. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A scientist making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Galactus!

Wally West takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Cade Cunningham follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! I learned that Wally West's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

82-125 (L)

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Cade Cunningham the moment he crosses half court. Up goes the shot from Cade Cunningham and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Sixty seconds in the huddle and Cade Cunningham cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Chest bump so violent that Cade Cunningham and Wally West both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. POCKET PASS! LeBron James threads it to Cade Cunningham between two bodies and the rim is wide open! BRICK! Cade Cunningham throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Wally West is COOKING and he knows it, he wants every single touch right now! The superhero just created that shot from scratch and drained it. Not bad for somebody clocking in at a real job tomorrow morning.

Halftime. Wally West is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. They say Wally West has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopardy Adjacent! To win a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004, text HOOPS to 555-0208 and answer this question: 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Cade Cunningham kicks it over to Hulk, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Hulk deciding late and throwing early.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Wally West reaches, finds nothing but forearm, and the whistle comes right along with it. Third whistle on Wally West. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

Cade Cunningham did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. That is ninety-four feet of pure effort from Galactus, and that is the play a locker room remembers in April.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Contested! Hulk makes him change it in midair.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The zone is set with Cade Cunningham anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! Somewhere there is a shift with the player written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Cade Cunningham does. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Cade Cunningham nothing.

LeBron James's gaze is cold, distant. Cade Cunningham's gaze is hot, angry. And here is the answer to our game show Jeopardy Adjacent! Wanda Jean Stubblefield of Possum Grape, Alabama, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' The answer was of course Indiana, and it is not particularly close. Wanda Jean therefore wins a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

86-130 (L)

Hulk controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

LeBron James launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH that is filthy! Galactus on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. BAAAANG! Cade Cunningham catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Cade Cunningham sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest bench does not find it funny. Hulk pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Hulk, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Pull-up from the elbow by Hulk, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That's a cut. Wally West stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Wally West lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck Harder! To win a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate, text HOOPS to 555-0362 and answer this question: 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

LeBron James has to see that help man. When a defender beats you to the spot and sits down, you pull it out.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and LeBron James makes it every single trip down the floor. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Cade Cunningham passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Cade Cunningham has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Reach-in on the superhero. He tried to take the ball the way he takes everything else on the job, politely and with both hands. The superhero sits down with four. You want to be furious, but honestly, he came here straight off a full shift.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The player walls up like a closed door and the shot never gets home. Nine to five, and now this.

Down screen, and LeBron James curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Rim out for LeBron James, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Push the pace! Wally West grabs it and hits Cade Cunningham in stride before the defense can even match up. Lazy one-hander from Cade Cunningham through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the player. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. LeBron James delivers on the second option, Cade Cunningham buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Cade Cunningham finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Galactus photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

LeBron James sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Cade Cunningham puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game show Press Your Luck Harder! Bobbi Sue Yarborough of Sawmill Bottom, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' The answer was of course 1871, in a hayloft, by two men arguing about a rooster. Bobbi Sue therefore wins a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'