My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
4 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the woman who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Brooke Monk. Just the name sends chills through the building. The woman is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This woman doesn't walk, she glides. She doesn't jump, she launches into orbit. And when she locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. The worst part? Her ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in her hands... And she flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. She's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If she sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, she's on a mission, and believe me, she didn't show up to mess around. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Sophie Rain. The woman is an internet celebrity. Yes, you heard that right. An internet celebrity. On a basketball court. With their ring light in her gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure she lost a poker bet. Sophie Rain had her first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating her resume on LinkedIn. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-128 (L)
Johnny Sins locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a tv host who means business!
James Charles throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
James Charles loses the Wilson! A tiktoker would never be this careless!
Sophie Rain bites on the fake! Fooled like an internet celebrity by counterfeit the algorithm!
This hooper's hooper James Charles hangs the head after the miss! Deflated back to the basket!
That's a wrap for now. Sophie Rain dives into the tunnel. Intel: Sophie Rain refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Brooke Monk whiffs on the jumper! A tiktoker off their game with their bare hands!
This raw talent Sophie Rain can't close out! The legs are shot from downtown!
James Charles botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Johnny Sins throws their hands up! Like a tv host when their bare hands breaks!
Despite the loss, James Charles held their own with the game! The tiktoker fought!
Johnny Sins's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. James Charles breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Behind the scenes, I learned James Charles was also an internet celebrity in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
85-130 (L)
James Charles comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the tiktoker means business!
James Charles misses the bunny! A tiktoker dropping the game from point-blank!
James Charles, this versatile guy, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Brooke Monk caught flat-footed! Standing still, the tiktoker reflexes took a nap!
Brooke Monk gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
The locker room fills up. Johnny Sins has already eaten three oranges. Exclusive info: Johnny Sins is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Sophie Rain, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild bucket!
Johnny Sins cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the basketball double duty!
Stolen from James Charles! A tiktoker who let it slip through their fingers!
James Charles, this solid build, shows negative body language! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
James Charles consoles teammates! The heart of a tiktoker in that moment!
James Charles's complexion is grey. Sophie Rain's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
86-131 (L)
Brooke Monk looks dialed in from the start! Iron discipline preparation showing!
Sophie Rain goes to work but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
This respected competitor Johnny Sins dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Brooke Monk, this combo guard, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!
Brooke Monk walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Halftime! James Charles is limping slightly heading off the court. Word is James Charles sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Sophie Rain attacks the basketball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this potential breakout star!
James Charles takes the rest play! Even a tiktoker needs a breather!
James Charles with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
James Charles, this established player, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
James Charles gave it everything! Everything a tiktoker has, left on the court!
James Charles has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Brooke Monk has aged ten years in forty minutes. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-132 (L)
Brooke Monk fires up the crowd to open the game! This dude out of nowhere starting strong!
James Charles misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
James Charles, this versatile guy, fumbles the entry pass along the baseline!
Sophie Rain gets blown by! Even an internet celebrity couldn't stop that!
Sophie Rain kicks the air! The frustration of an internet celebrity who knows they can do better!
Back to the locker room. Brooke Monk punches her locker. Anecdote: Brooke Monk slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
James Charles misfires at half court! Their bare hands calibration needed!
James Charles grabs the shorts! This hooper's hooper is running on fumes!
James Charles with the backcourt violation! A tiktoker going backwards with the game!
James Charles dunks and kicks the stanchion! This next-level player losing composure!
Johnny Sins tips the cap to the winners! The tv host's grace with the game!
James Charles slams his fist on the bench. Sophie Rain places her palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
76-121 (L)
Johnny Sins begins their shift on the floor! A tv host starting the their bare hands shift!
James Charles can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
Sloppy handling by Brooke Monk! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Johnny Sins can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
James Charles picks up the second technical! This up-and-coming baller ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Rest time. Brooke Monk isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Juicy intel: Brooke Monk turned down an endorsement deal because she'd have to wear a mascot costume. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Brooke Monk bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Brooke Monk gulps water! As thirsty as a tiktoker reaching for the game!
Brooke Monk attacks the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this who-is-this-guy player!
Johnny Sins waves off the play! The authority of a tv host in that gesture!
This up-and-coming baller Johnny Sins leaves the hardwood with head held high. Fought to the end.
James Charles bites the inside of his cheek. Brooke Monk pinches the bridge of her nose. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-134 (L)
Brooke Monk starts in the point guard! Playing the point guard the way a tiktoker plays with their bare hands!
Brooke Monk gets blocked! Rejected harder than a tiktoker's worst day on the job!
Sophie Rain dribbles it off their foot! Their ring light would never betray an internet celebrity like that!
Johnny Sins gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a tv host's worst day on the job!
This who-is-this-guy player Brooke Monk slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
End of the first half. James Charles is beet red but still standing. Bus driver's confession: James Charles raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
That one wasn't even close, Johnny Sins! Stick to competing the game!
Johnny Sins misses from fatigue! This seasoned vet can't get the elevation in transition!
James Charles tries to be too fancy and loses the basketball! Ego the size of Texas in the decision-making!
Johnny Sins pulls up angrily after the turnover! This dude putting the league on notice spiraling!
Brooke Monk shakes hands through the pain! A tiktoker who respects their bare hands and the game!
Sophie Rain is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Brooke Monk waits at the tunnel entrance. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
74-119 (L)
Sophie Rain lets fly with energy from the opening whistle! This hidden prospect locked in!
Johnny Sins off the back iron! Hard miss, even a tv host cringes at that!
Brooke Monk throws it away! A pass worse than a tiktoker tossing the game!
Brooke Monk beaten to the spot! Slower than a tiktoker on a Monday morning!
This seasoned vet Johnny Sins gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Break! James Charles heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Anecdote: James Charles fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
A buzzer-beater from Brooke Monk goes in and out! Heartbreaking from mid-range!
Sophie Rain jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for captivating the algorithm tomorrow!
Sophie Rain double-dribbles! Captivating the algorithm doesn't have that rule!
Johnny Sins shakes their head! A tv host who can't believe that just happened!
James Charles, this solid pro, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Sophie Rain and Brooke Monk walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
89-134 (L)
This legit talent James Charles opens the scoring! A floater! Early advantage!
James Charles shanks it from the free-throw line! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Turnover by James Charles! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Brooke Monk overcommits! Going all-in like a tiktoker on the game, but wrong!
Sophie Rain storms to the bench! This unknown gem is visibly upset!
Halftime. Johnny Sins's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. True story: Johnny Sins had his parking spot stolen by Minnesota Ice-Wall's mascot. Still talks about it. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Johnny Sins puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Brooke Monk is running on fumes! The tiktoker tank is completely empty!
Sophie Rain commits the live-ball turnover! Their ring light would be ashamed!
Brooke Monk vents at their teammates! The tiktoker who vents about the game!
Johnny Sins wipes a tear! A tv host who poured everything into the effort!
Sophie Rain walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Brooke Monk speeds up. Wants it to be over. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-134 (L)
This dark horse Sophie Rain gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Air ball from James Charles! Being a tiktoker doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
James Charles with the errant pass! This seasoned vet needs to settle down!
Sophie Rain lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this who-is-this-guy player fooled!
This raw talent Brooke Monk can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
The locker room fills up. Johnny Sins has already eaten three oranges. Did you know Johnny Sins plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
A devastating dunk from Brooke Monk sails wide! This rising star needs to regroup!
James Charles asks for ice! Cooling down, even a tiktoker's engine needs a rest!
Brooke Monk gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a tiktoker's grip!
Sophie Rain tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the internet celebrity will bounce back!
Sophie Rain leaves the floor with dignity! The dignity of an internet celebrity with their ring light!
James Charles mutters while walking out. Johnny Sins watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
83-128 (L)
Sophie Rain, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
James Charles, this solid build, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Johnny Sins coughs up the Wilson! Limited stamina strikes again along the baseline!
James Charles watches them score! Just watching, like watching their bare hands gather dust!
Brooke Monk slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a tiktoker hits the workbench!
Into the tunnel. Brooke Monk grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Small detail: Brooke Monk whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Brooke Monk can't finish! The tiktoker who finishes the game can't finish the play!
This diamond in the rough Sophie Rain has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This name that's buzzing James Charles forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Johnny Sins, this player on the come-up, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
Johnny Sins walks off in defeat! Even a tv host's skills couldn't save tonight!
Sophie Rain stares at the floor while Brooke Monk mutters something inaudible under her breath. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-122 (L)
Brooke Monk lets fly into position! This potential breakout star not wasting any time!
Johnny Sins, this miniature missile, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to force bad shots!
Brooke Monk explodes carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Brooke Monk, this versatile guy, lets the shooter get free from the right corner! Costly lapse!
James Charles slams the pill in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Halftime whistle. James Charles flops into the first available chair. Little scoop: James Charles tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Brooke Monk, this hungry young player, comes up empty! A buzzer beater off target from the left corner!
Sophie Rain can barely run! The 48 regulation minutes harder than the 48 regulation minutes of captivating the algorithm!
Brooke Monk, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped back to the basket! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Brooke Monk mouths off at right from the tip-off! A tiktoker venting about the game!
This legit talent James Charles shakes hands and moves on. In the end, heavy feet proved costly.
Brooke Monk mutters 'damn' under her breath. Sophie Rain says 'yeah' in the same tone. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-123 (L)
Sophie Rain stretches center court! Loosening up, the internet celebrity is getting ready!
Brooke Monk misfires on the floater! Too much float, the tiktoker touch abandoned them!
James Charles penetrates into a trap! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the defense!
This up-and-coming baller Johnny Sins can't recover! Scored on at the top of the key! Tendency to rush!
This newcomer Sophie Rain stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break. Johnny Sins's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Fun fact: Johnny Sins was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Johnny Sins misses the free throw! Competing the game under pressure is easier!
This next-level player Johnny Sins signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Lack of consistency!
Brooke Monk with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Brooke Monk is visibly upset! Upset as a tiktoker when the game goes sideways!
Sophie Rain hangs their head! An internet celebrity who gave everything they had!
James Charles walks toward the tunnel without a word. Sophie Rain stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I had a revelation: Sophie Rain runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-125 (L)
James Charles huddles with the team! Huddling up, the tiktoker strategizes!
Sophie Rain clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their ring light hitting the algorithm!
Brooke Monk turns it over in the corner! Butterfingers from this tiktoker!
James Charles scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Occasional mental lapses!
Johnny Sins, this scrappy guard, pounds the scorer's table! Injury-prone body on full display!
Halftime whistle. Brooke Monk spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know? Brooke Monk launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
James Charles denied by the basket! Even a tiktoker can't pry it open!
Brooke Monk bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a tiktoker after their bare hands overtime!
James Charles dunks into a dead end from the right corner! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Sophie Rain, this versatile guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the left corner!
James Charles had the chances but couldn't convert. This name that's buzzing left wanting.
James Charles has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Brooke Monk has aged ten years in forty minutes. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
74-118 (L)
Sophie Rain, this swiss-army-knife type, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!
Sophie Rain, this potential breakout star, sends the basketball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Brooke Monk, this versatile guy, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
Sophie Rain watches helplessly! An internet celebrity watching the algorithm fall off the shelf!
Johnny Sins can't mask the disappointment! This hooper's hooper wearing it on the sleeve!
Halftime. Brooke Monk throws her towel on the floor walking in. I've been told Brooke Monk once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Brooke Monk, this combo guard, gets the look but can't convert from way beyond the arc!
This who-is-this-guy player Brooke Monk calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Heavy feet taking its toll!
Sophie Rain coughs it up! An internet celebrity's grip doesn't work on the orange!
Sophie Rain drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an internet celebrity's spirit has limits!
Brooke Monk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a tiktoker after their bare hands broke!
Johnny Sins kicks his towel across the floor. James Charles has already left for the locker room, alone. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-130 (L)
Sophie Rain lands the first two-handed slam! First blood! The internet celebrity strikes first!
This dude out of nowhere Brooke Monk whiffs on an off-balance shot! The crowd groans!
This surprise package Brooke Monk with turnover number points! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Brooke Monk left in the dust! Even a tiktoker moves faster than that!
This name that's buzzing Johnny Sins throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Halftime whistle! Brooke Monk slides down against the hallway wall. Exclusive: Brooke Monk was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Brooke Monk shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a tiktoker would cringe!
James Charles is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure tiktoker stubbornness!
Johnny Sins, this miniature missile, gets called for the carry! Tendency to rush in ball-handling!
Johnny Sins buries their face! Hidden from view, the tv host can't watch!
Brooke Monk rises up past the media. This diamond in the rough not in the mood to talk.
Brooke Monk shakes Sophie Rain's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I learned backstage that Sophie Rain also does internet celebrity on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Brooke Monk.
Season journal
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