My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Superman. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Superman, his brother-in-law and a superhero by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Superman can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-135 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Superman opens the scoring! A fadeaway jumper! Early advantage!
Galactus, this all-around player, can't get a reverse layup to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
Jesus Christ left in the dust! Even a messiah moves faster than that!
Galactus gets a technical for complaining! Limited stamina on full display!
First half is done. Jesus Christ is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Intel: Jesus Christ refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Galactus, this player nobody saw coming, with the shot-clock heave! No good in the paint!
Galactus is gassed! This rising star bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Galactus with the backcourt violation! This newcomer under too much pressure!
Jesus Christ shoots away from the huddle! This franchise cornerstone in a dark place mentally!
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Galactus walks toward the tunnel without a word. Superman stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
85-129 (L)
Sun Tzu steps onto the temple of basketball! From defending the frontline to this, game time!
Sun Tzu launches and misses! The pill isn't the frontline, and it shows!
This surprise package Galactus with turnover number lengths ahead! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
Sun Tzu caught flat-footed! Standing still, the military personnel reflexes took a nap!
Galactus slams the basketball in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Superman asks for an ice pack. Bus driver's confession: Superman raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Superman goes 0 for the quarter! A superhero having a rough shift with their bare hands!
Sun Wukong, this up-and-coming baller, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Galactus with the lazy pass! Shaky emotions under pressure leading to easy points!
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Galactus reflects on what could have been. Injury-prone body the difference tonight.
Galactus pulls his cap down over his eyes. Sun Wukong doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
87-132 (L)
Galactus looks dialed in from the start! That dawg mentality preparation showing!
Sun Wukong, this seasoned vet, comes up empty! A reverse layup off target in the paint!
Jesus Christ throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the messiah got too confident!
Sun Tzu bites on the pump fake! This certified GOAT candidate sent flying from way beyond the arc!
Sun Tzu tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the military personnel will bounce back!
Players head to the locker room. Sun Wukong has tape on three fingers. Rumor has it Sun Wukong tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Sun Wukong with a wild attempt! This up-and-coming baller not finding the range tonight!
Sun Tzu mops their face! Sweating more than when defending the frontline!
Sun Wukong, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Jesus Christ tips the cap to the winners! The messiah's grace with the game!
Galactus pulls his cap down over his eyes. Superman doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
77-122 (L)
This surprise package Galactus gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Sun Tzu gets blocked! Rejected harder than a military personnel's worst day on the job!
Galactus, this smooth operator, gets stripped in the paint! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Galactus gives up the back door! Limited stamina when overplaying!
Superman storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
Time to breathe. Galactus has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Anecdote: Galactus threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Superman shanks it from half court! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Sun Tzu gulps water! As thirsty as a military personnel reaching for the frontline!
This dude putting the league on notice Sun Wukong commits the offensive foul! Turnover at the top of the key!
Galactus storms to the bench! This player nobody saw coming is visibly upset!
Sun Tzu walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to military personnel life tomorrow!
Jesus Christ's complexion is grey. Sun Tzu's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
81-125 (L)
Sun Tzu, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! A killer instinct from the jump!
Superman can't convert! The superhero's touch with the game deserted them!
Galactus with the errant pass! This guy nobody was talking about needs to settle down!
This dark horse Galactus fouls reaching in! Lack of consistency on defense!
Superman stares in disbelief! The look of a superhero who just lost everything!
The locker room. Sun Wukong sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know? Sun Wukong tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Galactus, this unknown gem, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!
Sun Tzu is cramping up! This living legend trying to shake it off! Lack of consistency!
Jesus Christ tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
Sun Tzu, this combo guard, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jesus Christ collapses into the first available chair. Sun Wukong stays standing, eyes glazed over. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
82-126 (L)
This next-level player Sun Wukong catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Jesus Christ pulls up but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Sun Wukong goes to work carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Sun Tzu loses the screen battle! Injury-prone body around the picks!
Sun Wukong, this do-it-all player, waves off the play call! Lack of consistency hurting the team!
Break. Superman collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Superman plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Superman misses! Even a superhero can't fix that shot!
Sun Tzu finds a second wind! The military personnel engine roars back to life!
Sun Wukong, this combo guard, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Superman drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a superhero's spirit has limits!
Sun Tzu hangs their head! A military personnel who gave everything they had!
Sun Tzu collapses into the first available chair. Superman stays standing, eyes glazed over. Tonight I learned Sun Tzu used to be a military personnel before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
75-120 (L)
Superman, this versatile guy, announced to huge cheers! A hostile crowd!
A thunderous slam from Sun Wukong hits the iron! Tendency to force bad shots under the spotlight!
Superman pulls up the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy with rings on every finger!
This household name Superman caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Jesus Christ mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Halftime. Galactus is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Galactus tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Sun Wukong forces up a pull-up jumper over the defense! Injury-prone body! Bad decision!
Jesus Christ labors up the court! Trudging like a messiah dragging the game!
Sun Tzu commits the live-ball turnover! Their service rifle would be ashamed!
Sun Wukong, this solid pro, yells at the coaching staff! Defense that's basically a suggestion causing friction!
This seasoned vet Sun Wukong leaves the hardwood with head held high. Fought to the end.
Superman hurls his water bottle at the wall. Sun Tzu flinches but doesn't react. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
89-134 (L)
Jesus Christ lands the first floater! First blood! The messiah strikes first!
Galactus launches a finger roll and... Airball! Lack of consistency at its peak!
Superman with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
This potential GOAT Superman can't recover! Scored on under the basket! Occasional mental lapses!
Sun Tzu, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Hot head creeping in!
Halftime. Superman glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Juicy anecdote: Superman was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Sun Tzu off the back iron! Hard miss, even a military personnel cringes at that!
Sun Tzu soldiers on! The soldier who defends the frontline with their service rifle!
Sun Tzu trips up in the low post! A military personnel never trips at work... Right?
Jesus Christ launches the towel! This all-time great showing limited stamina!
Sun Tzu looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a military personnel!
Sun Tzu looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Superman looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
77-122 (L)
This league veteran Sun Wukong in the starting lineup! Let's see what this league veteran brings!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the separation but can't finish! Ego the size of Texas!
Superman double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Superman beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a superhero!
Galactus, this potential breakout star, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
Break! Jesus Christ rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. They say Jesus Christ has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Galactus can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this player nobody saw coming!
Sun Tzu stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a military personnel over the frontline!
Galactus, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
This franchise cornerstone Sun Tzu stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Galactus, this combo guard, trudges off the hardwood. Lessons to take from this one.
Sun Wukong slams his fist on the bench. Superman places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-126 (L)
Superman wins the opening tip! Tipping off with superhero energy!
Sun Tzu with the off-balance double-clutch layup! This potential GOAT couldn't set the feet!
Jesus Christ throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Sun Tzu bites on the fake! Fooled like a military personnel by counterfeit the frontline!
This legit talent Sun Wukong hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from the right corner!
The players disappear. Sun Wukong has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Small detail: Sun Wukong wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Sun Tzu can't buy a bucket! Another miss under the basket! Frustrating!
Jesus Christ short-arms the shot from fatigue! This all-time great has nothing left!
Galactus fires away into a trap! Ego the size of Texas when reading the defense!
This household name Sun Tzu fouls hard out of frustration! Hot head showing!
Galactus walks off in silence. This potential breakout star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Sun Tzu walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
73-118 (L)
Galactus, this player nobody saw coming, draws first blood! A tear drop to start!
Superman pulls up and fires but misses everything! Sometimes predictable game tonight!
This solid pro Sun Wukong with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Superman lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this certified GOAT candidate fooled!
This hidden prospect Galactus shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know Jesus Christ started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Sun Wukong launches the ball right into the defender's hands! Sometimes predictable game!
This league veteran Sun Wukong can't close out! The legs are shot at half court!
Galactus throws it away! Injury-prone body under pressure from downtown!
Superman picks up the second technical! This franchise cornerstone ejected! Lack of consistency!
Galactus spins to the tunnel in disappointment. This dude out of nowhere will learn from this.
Sun Wukong sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jesus Christ has his head in his hands. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
76-121 (L)
Galactus shoots with energy from the opening whistle! This potential breakout star locked in!
Sun Tzu denied by the basket! Even a military personnel can't pry it open!
Jesus Christ coughs up the leather! Occasional mental lapses strikes again in transition!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, gets dunked on facing the rim! Poster material!
Sun Wukong, this legit talent, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
Rest. Superman buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little scoop: Superman tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Sun Wukong fires an off-balance shot facing the rim but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Superman grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a superhero finishing the game!
Jesus Christ coughs it up! A messiah's grip doesn't work on the orange!
Jesus Christ waves off the play! The authority of a messiah in that gesture!
Sun Wukong had the chances but couldn't convert. This name that's buzzing left wanting.
Superman and Sun Wukong walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
80-125 (L)
The game begins and Sun Wukong is ready! You can see an off-the-charts basketball IQ written all over his face!
That one wasn't even close, Superman! Stick to competing the game!
Galactus passes to nobody! This dark horse with a head-scratching decision!
Sun Tzu beaten to the spot! Slower than a military personnel on a Monday morning!
This hooper's hooper Sun Wukong can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Sun Tzu picks up the pace. Anecdote: Sun Tzu lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Sun Wukong with the contested and-one off the pick and roll! No good! Bad selection!
Superman is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Sun Tzu dribbles it off their foot! Their service rifle would never betray a military personnel like that!
Superman glares at the scoreboard! This global icon not happy with the situation!
Superman shakes hands through the pain! A superhero who respects their bare hands and the game!
Superman takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Jesus Christ follows the same path. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-133 (L)
This surprise package Galactus means business! Fast start at the top of the key!
Sun Tzu can't buy a bucket! Maybe the frontline would be easier to aim!
Superman gets picked! A superhero getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Jesus Christ falls asleep on the weak side! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Jesus Christ is visibly upset! Upset as a messiah when the game goes sideways!
Halftime. The doctor examines Superman's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little secret: Superman watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Sun Tzu misses the bunny! A military personnel dropping the frontline from point-blank!
This guy nobody was talking about Galactus is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Sun Wukong can't mask the disappointment! This guy with a proven track record wearing it on the sleeve!
This hungry young player Galactus tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Sun Tzu collapses into the first available chair. Galactus stays standing, eyes glazed over. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-130 (L)
Jesus Christ starts in the point guard! Playing the point guard the way a messiah plays with their bare hands!
Sun Wukong, this player on the come-up, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Sun Tzu loses the rock! A military personnel would never be this careless!
Sun Tzu gets posted up and scored on! This guy with rings on every finger overpowered!
Jesus Christ can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the rock frustration!
Break. Sun Wukong's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know Sun Wukong once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back! The players look fired up.
A bucket attempt by Sun Wukong falls short! Heavy feet in the legs!
Superman cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the orange double duty!
This dark horse Galactus forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This legit talent Sun Wukong throws an elbow in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Jesus Christ leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a messiah after the game setback!
Sun Tzu stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Jesus Christ comes back to get him. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Superman.
Season journal
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