Meu cinco inicial dos sonhos — basketball_team 🇧🇷

Jornada 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

88-115 (D)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The futsal player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. LeBron James comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! LeBron James backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. LeBron James holds it three seconds. Ronaldinho Gaúcho applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and LeBron James collects every last one.

Lionel Messi walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Ronaldinho Gaúcho gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. AIRBALL! Ronaldinho Gaúcho missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Textbook two three with Ronaldinho Gaúcho manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. PICKED HIS POCKET! Stephen Curry jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way!

The players leave the court. Ronaldinho Gaúcho clings to the tunnel railing. Confession: Ronaldinho Gaúcho calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show The Great American Trivia Barn! To win a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not, text HOOPS to 555-1183 and answer this question: 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Lionel Messi has known that all night long. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Shaquille O'Neal, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. From eight feet Shaquille O'Neal puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Lionel Messi threw it before the help even committed. OHHHH no, Shaquille O'Neal floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the futsal player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHH that is filthy! LeBron James on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Long miss from the association football player and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

The association football player just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Ronaldinho Gaúcho panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Stephen Curry has all the room in the world. Stephen Curry went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Shot clock violation! Ronaldinho Gaúcho owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. He tried to rise over LeBron James. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

Watch how they bury Stephen Curry in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Shaquille O'Neal to Stephen Curry, catch and rise.

Hands out, palms up, Stephen Curry shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. LeBron James is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Lionel Messi whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Stephen Curry nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game show The Great American Trivia Barn! Garland Shoemaker of Rickety Bridge, New York, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The answer was of course the left one, always, in every county we surveyed. Garland therefore wins a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not! I learned tonight that Lionel Messi used to be an association football player. That explains the unique running style. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Jornada 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

102-122 (D)

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Here comes the slip from Shaquille O'Neal, and Lionel Messi reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Shaquille O'Neal. Cruel.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Lionel Messi waits with both hands on top of his head. The association football player gets a free point handed over by the replay center. In that line of work nobody hands you a bonus, so soak it up.

Reach-in on Stephen Curry. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Lionel Messi, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Lionel Messi fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Cut! Halftime. Ronaldinho Gaúcho's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Exclusive info: Ronaldinho Gaúcho is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Stephen Curry breaks a shell down. The futsal player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Pull-up from the elbow by LeBron James, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Shaquille O'Neal dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Whirl, and GONE! LeBron James leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Rises, releases, and LeBron James sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Full stop, full sprint, and the association football player is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Lionel Messi fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Watch the spacing, Lionel Messi drags two bodies toward the ball and Shaquille O'Neal is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Shaquille O'Neal cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Lionel Messi controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The defender crowded the middle, and Stephen Curry punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Stephen Curry has it on a string tonight.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Stephen Curry never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Lionel Messi replays the score in his head on a loop. Stephen Curry tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Lionel Messi's name. Forgive me. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Jornada 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

92-101 (D)

Clear path on Ronaldinho Gaúcho. Two shots AND the ball. That is the expensive one. Straight back up. Ronaldinho Gaúcho does not say one word, he just stares down the entire opposing bench, and that says plenty.

Set called, Stephen Curry waved out to the corner, and Lionel Messi watches the spacing open up like a front door. The defender planted his feet, and Stephen Curry said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Stephen Curry is walking back with both hands on his head.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Lionel Messi has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Shaquille O'Neal precisely where the play wanted it. GONE down the baseline! Shaquille O'Neal beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Shaquille O'Neal walk away from it.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime. Ronaldinho Gaúcho glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Ronaldinho Gaúcho talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Stephen Curry. That is the shot chart lying to you. Stephen Curry did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Down screen, and Shaquille O'Neal curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. The crowd has found its chant, and Shaquille O'Neal is going to be hearing it all night.

One little shoulder dip from Stephen Curry and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Oh my. Stephen Curry did not even draw iron.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

SKIP PASS! Ronaldinho Gaúcho fires it cross court to Shaquille O'Neal and the defense is dead in the water! OHHHH the pin-down! Shaquille O'Neal pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with LeBron James. Brutal. Shaquille O'Neal loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH the hesi! Stephen Curry froze him solid and he is already gone! Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Stephen Curry up there and returns it with interest.

The futsal player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. LeBron James holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Stephen Curry flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Stephen Curry!

LeBron James hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Shaquille O'Neal walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. LeBron James drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Jornada 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

106-88 (V)

Shaquille O'Neal controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

One hard jab step and Stephen Curry is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. LeBron James pays for that one.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Lionel Messi contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. The association football player swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

Court vision like that on the futsal player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Lionel Messi stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Fun fact: Stephen Curry failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! To win a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it, text HOOPS to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

This is the kind of detail that keeps coaches awake at night: Shaquille O'Neal simply has to let that shot miss instead of donating a bucket.

Stephen Curry stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. HAMMER! Stephen Curry goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Stephen Curry rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Ronaldinho Gaúcho plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

The association football player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Fifth possession this half where Stephen Curry has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. No roll this time. Ronaldinho Gaúcho swings it right back to Stephen Curry above the break, and it is PURE. Give and go! Stephen Curry gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Watch the footwork from Stephen Curry: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Clean feed from Stephen Curry, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Lionel Messi gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Stephen Curry had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Lionel Messi slips it to Shaquille O'Neal right in the pocket. Surgical. That is a throwback bucket: Shaquille O'Neal with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Shaquille O'Neal strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Lionel Messi fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Lionel Messi and Stephen Curry pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. And here is the answer to our game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! Cletus Ogletree of Hominy Corners, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The answer was of course eighty six percent, and his name is Gary. Cletus therefore wins a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Jornada 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

108-94 (V)

Ronaldinho Gaúcho drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Rising into two defenders, Stephen Curry launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

LeBron James just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Ronaldinho Gaúcho half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Ronaldinho Gaúcho, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Total control. Lionel Messi has this thing on a string. Watch the change of pace from Ronaldinho Gaúcho, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Prayer from Ronaldinho Gaúcho. Not answered.

That is a clean blow-by on LeBron James, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code. That is a foot speed problem. LeBron James keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night.

Back to the locker room. Lionel Messi punches his locker. Juicy intel: Lionel Messi turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration on Something Else! To win a giant foam finger that points at the ground, text HOOPS to 555-0176 and answer this question: 'How many exits does a corn maze legally require?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

The press is doing its job: with Stephen Curry taking away the middle, this offense is starting its sets with eight on the shot clock. Active hands, quiet stat sheet. Shaquille O'Neal has been poking at everything that moves for two straight quarters. Touch pass from Ronaldinho Gaúcho, and Lionel Messi glides in for the finger roll. Filthy.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

A full spin move through traffic from the association football player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Lionel Messi do that to one of their own.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Lionel Messi uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. LeBron James stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

OHHHH the separation! Stephen Curry just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Stephen Curry missed that one with real conviction.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Lionel Messi drops it off to Shaquille O'Neal on time and on target. Shaquille O'Neal feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. That is what heavy minutes do, Shaquille O'Neal has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

The association football player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Ronaldinho Gaúcho is doing it the old way.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Ronaldinho Gaúcho lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Shaquille O'Neal drags Ronaldinho Gaúcho away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the association football player. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Shaquille O'Neal wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Ronaldinho Gaúcho does a handstand. LeBron James holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. And here is the answer to our game Concentration on Something Else! Sherleen Doty of Big Chimney, Idaho, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many exits does a corn maze legally require?' The answer was of course one, and even that is a suggestion. Sherleen takes home a giant foam finger that points at the ground! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Jornada 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

102-116 (D)

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Lionel Messi, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Blocked into the floor. Lionel Messi will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Four minutes without a point for Ronaldinho Gaúcho and his group. The offense has completely seized up. Nobody cut, nobody screened, and Shaquille O'Neal was still surveying the floor when the clock hit zero. That is a giveaway, plain and simple.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Stephen Curry makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Watch the feet on LeBron James there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Halftime! Shaquille O'Neal walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

STOP AND GO! Lionel Messi hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the association football player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Stephen Curry the moment he crosses half court. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Stephen Curry running a full masterclass on the low block.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Stephen Curry roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Hesitate, GO. Lionel Messi is by that hip before the man even blinks. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Lionel Messi nothing.

Illegal screen on Shaquille O'Neal. All that effort, and the reward is a whistle and a long walk back on defense.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from Lionel Messi, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Shaquille O'Neal gives it up to Stephen Curry on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Stephen Curry simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Stephen Curry hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. LeBron James shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

That is vision. Stephen Curry sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Rim out for LeBron James, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Not pretty, but this is arithmetic now. LeBron James trades one foul for one more possession, and down five with a minute left, that math works.

LeBron James watches the crowd file out in silence. Shaquille O'Neal prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Shaquille O'Neal. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Jornada 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

97-103 (D)

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Stephen Curry and Lionel Messi just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Third look from distance for Stephen Curry tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Baseline wide open. Stephen Curry said thank you. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Stephen Curry drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Stephen Curry crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Shaquille O'Neal mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Closeout from Lionel Messi like a man chasing a bus. Late, out of control, and right into the shooter's landing space. The association football player sits down with four. You want to be furious, but honestly, he came here straight off a full shift.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Back to the locker room. Lionel Messi's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Word is Lionel Messi sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bonus Round of Regret! To win a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep, text HOOPS to 555-1224 and answer this question: 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Lionel Messi gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Stephen Curry saw it a beat early. The association football player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Lionel Messi has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball moves. Lionel Messi to LeBron James, on time and on target. POCKET PASS! LeBron James threads it to Ronaldinho Gaúcho between two bodies and the rim is wide open! The futsal player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Cross court, on a rope, from the futsal player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Shaquille O'Neal rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The defender fronted him, so Shaquille O'Neal sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Shaquille O'Neal strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Ronaldinho Gaúcho carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The association football player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Stephen Curry blows the wide open layup!

Onions from the sideline! The head man eats a technical standing up for LeBron James, and that entire bench LOVED it.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Lionel Messi already has the defense a full step behind. Beautiful pass by LeBron James. Wrong jersey.

OHHHH the hesi! Lionel Messi froze him solid and he is already gone! Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Lionel Messi, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Lionel Messi's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Stephen Curry breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game show The Bonus Round of Regret! Homer Fussell of Poke Salad Crossing, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the distance from the free throw line to a lifetime of regret?' The answer was of course fifteen feet, same as it has always been, which is the cruel part. Homer therefore wins a set of curtains printed with enormous cartoon sheep! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Jornada 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

91-128 (D)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is LeBron James who wins the little argument at center court.

The futsal player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Awful shot by Shaquille O'Neal with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Ronaldinho Gaúcho never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Ronaldinho Gaúcho is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Halftime. The doctor examines Lionel Messi's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little secret: Lionel Messi has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

Careless stuff from LeBron James. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening. FOUR on LeBron James! Grab a towel, that is the bench for a while.

The association football player just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. BRICK! Stephen Curry throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Stephen Curry flops. Nobody in stripes even turns around.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The help defender committed way too early, and Stephen Curry made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. OHHHH the POWER! Stephen Curry took the hit and finished it anyway!

Stephen Curry hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. LeBron James shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Screened, toasted, done. Stephen Curry is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Onions! Stephen Curry did that with a hand in his face.

Stephen Curry hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Lionel Messi shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Stephen Curry does. Ohhh no. Stephen Curry just walked. In front of everybody.

Ronaldinho Gaúcho eats the contact so Stephen Curry can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Getting to his spot and elevating, Stephen Curry puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Lionel Messi's eyes are glassy. Stephen Curry mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Jornada 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

100-96 (V)

A cruel spin-out for the futsal player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart. Ronaldinho Gaúcho SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Kick out to Ronaldinho Gaúcho, one more to LeBron James, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. From WAY downtown! LeBron James launched that one from the parking lot!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Shaquille O'Neal and an assistant coach who both want to hug LeBron James first. LeBron James lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. LeBron James comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Stephen Curry just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Down, up, and gone for Stephen Curry. The rim is just toying with him now.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ronaldinho Gaúcho goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up.

Push the pace! Lionel Messi grabs it and hits Stephen Curry in stride before the defense can even match up. Right through the window. Stephen Curry to LeBron James on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Clang. LeBron James wants that one back.

Break! Ronaldinho Gaúcho grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. True story: Ronaldinho Gaúcho had his parking spot stolen by Houston Blast-Off's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Ronaldinho Gaúcho sets it and slides out instead of rolling, LeBron James finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Ronaldinho Gaúcho has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ronaldinho Gaúcho attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! The futsal player just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Straight to the logo at center court, Ronaldinho Gaúcho plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

The extra pass! Ronaldinho Gaúcho had the look, gave it up anyway, and Lionel Messi buries it. BANG! Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Lionel Messi should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Baseline spin from LeBron James at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. LeBron James beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and LeBron James pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Up goes the shot from LeBron James and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Shaquille O'Neal walks it up past the timeline, nine seconds showing, and you can feel the air go out of this arena. From WAY downtown! Shaquille O'Neal walks into it from 27 feet and the red light is on before the ball comes down. DAGGER!

Slow walk, no expression. Shaquille O'Neal backpedals past the Houston Blast-Off huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Lionel Messi does the floss while Stephen Curry spins like a top. Shaquille O'Neal just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Jornada 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

94-104 (D)

Tip is UP and LeBron James gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Lionel Messi has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. Telegraphed. LeBron James announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Lionel Messi makes it every single trip down the floor. Two defenders collide on the handoff and LeBron James is gone, so Shaquille O'Neal earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Oldest play in the book and it still works: LeBron James passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! LeBron James rises over the defender and it falls through.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Lionel Messi, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Baby hook by Lionel Messi, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Lionel Messi does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Halftime whistle. Shaquille O'Neal flops into the first available chair. Confession: Shaquille O'Neal believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Swing, swing, and Ronaldinho Gaúcho finds Lionel Messi on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Lionel Messi drops it off perfectly for LeBron James diving to the rim. Shot clock at one, and LeBron James just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Goaltending on Shaquille O'Neal. Great athleticism, terrible timing.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Over the top of everybody. Stephen Curry to Ronaldinho Gaúcho in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the futsal player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Nobody drew up that arc. The futsal player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

They do not teach that in the association football player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Shaquille O'Neal, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Set called, Ronaldinho Gaúcho waved out to the corner, and Lionel Messi watches the spacing open up like a front door. Watch Shaquille O'Neal plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Ronaldinho Gaúcho out of that corner in a blink. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Ronaldinho Gaúcho cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Second pass beats the rotation, Stephen Curry to Shaquille O'Neal, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Look at Shaquille O'Neal mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Shaquille O'Neal takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Stephen Curry follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Jornada 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

98-126 (D)

Won it clean! LeBron James got up and over him with room to spare.

Lionel Messi splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Stephen Curry catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH the help side! Shaquille O'Neal comes flying out of nowhere and that drive is DEAD on arrival! Not a bite on the pump fake, Shaquille O'Neal stays tall, and the floater dies on the iron.

CHARGE! Shaquille O'Neal plants the feet and takes that freight train straight to the chest!

Halftime! Ronaldinho Gaúcho checks his stats on the board and winces. Little secret: Ronaldinho Gaúcho listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! To win a riding mower that will only turn left, text HOOPS to 555-0384 and answer this question: 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Stephen Curry. Cruel.

Eight on the shot clock, Lionel Messi gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival. OUTLET! Shaquille O'Neal rips the board and fires it ahead to Stephen Curry before anybody gets back! OHHHH the speed of Stephen Curry! Nobody in this building was catching him.

Stephen Curry does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Ronaldinho Gaúcho that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball into Ronaldinho Gaúcho at the elbow, Stephen Curry plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. OHHHH! Stephen Curry went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Stephen Curry just did it by hitting Lionel Messi on the back side with acres of room. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Lionel Messi punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Shaquille O'Neal gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

Shaquille O'Neal climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Ronaldinho Gaúcho refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Lionel Messi hands it off to LeBron James, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Lionel Messi beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Stephen Curry. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Stephen Curry.

Ronaldinho Gaúcho bites the inside of his cheek. Stephen Curry pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! Roberta Klump of Pumpkin Center, Utah, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The answer was of course six during the day and considerably more after dark. Roberta takes home a riding mower that will only turn left! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Jornada 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

99-109 (D)

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. OHHHH, what a read by Stephen Curry! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Lionel Messi should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Here comes Ronaldinho Gaúcho sprinting off the elbow. Lionel Messi slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. The futsal player baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then Ronaldinho Gaúcho does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

Ice in the veins: Ronaldinho Gaúcho taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Watch the sell from Lionel Messi here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Lionel Messi builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Stephen Curry slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. Second rejection of the quarter for Ronaldinho Gaúcho, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already.

Back to the locker room. Ronaldinho Gaúcho punches his locker. Bus driver's confession: Ronaldinho Gaúcho raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! To win a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels, text HOOPS to 555-0853 and answer this question: 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Stephen Curry retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Stephen Curry launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Two guys on the exact same page, Lionel Messi and LeBron James, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the association football player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Lionel Messi crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Lionel Messi rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Day job, then this: the futsal player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Bless him, Lionel Messi tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

NO! LeBron James fouls a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws. That is malpractice.

Watch the spacing there, Stephen Curry hits LeBron James right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. You could hear the whole building groan, and LeBron James knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

Shaquille O'Neal snaps at the bench on his way out. LeBron James says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! Otis Wagstaff of Empty Barrel, Nevada, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The answer was of course forty one, set at a rec league in 1998 and never approached since. Otis therefore wins a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Jornada 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

81-109 (D)

Shaquille O'Neal times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Offensive foul on Shaquille O'Neal. No bucket, no free throws, just a turnover.

Stephen Curry kicks it over to Ronaldinho Gaúcho, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Ronaldinho Gaúcho did all the dirty work on that one. Rising up out of the corner, LeBron James sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

OHHHH, that one died in the air! Stephen Curry put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Lionel Messi treats every miss like it belongs to him. The association football player just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

Lionel Messi sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Boston Ring-Chasers bench does not find it funny. Ronaldinho Gaúcho pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Ten to nothing. Lionel Messi is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench. That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. LeBron James has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

The players disappear. LeBron James has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: LeBron James failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Lionel Messi threw it before the help even committed. OHHHH the separation! Shaquille O'Neal just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. That is the shot Shaquille O'Neal wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Lionel Messi gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Ronaldinho Gaúcho saw it a beat early. The association football player pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. No touch. Lionel Messi left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SPIN and GO! Lionel Messi pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! That is the shot chart lying to you. Lionel Messi did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Look at the hands from Stephen Curry, active, mirroring every dribble, never reaching. He is a moving cage out there. Lazy crosscourt pass, and Ronaldinho Gaúcho makes them pay. Clean pick, no whistle, two easy ones before that coach can sit back down. Stephen Curry rips the rebound and fires it up the sideline, Ronaldinho Gaúcho catches in stride and kisses it off the glass.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Ronaldinho Gaúcho never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Push the pace! Lionel Messi grabs it and hits Shaquille O'Neal in stride before the defense can even match up. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Shaquille O'Neal, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Perfect drop-off from Lionel Messi, and Shaquille O'Neal answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Ronaldinho Gaúcho's eyes are glassy. Shaquille O'Neal mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Jornada 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

94-127 (D)

A cut with that timing from the futsal player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Ronaldinho Gaúcho finishes over the top. Textbook.

Ronaldinho Gaúcho throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Stephen Curry grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Watch the swing here: ten unanswered points from Ronaldinho Gaúcho in barely two minutes, and the entire complexion of this game has flipped.

Screened, toasted, done. Lionel Messi is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. The big man never even contested it, and Lionel Messi still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Look at the shoulders on the futsal player. Everybody has a rough shift at work, but most people do not have twenty thousand witnesses. Second shot clock violation of the half with LeBron James holding it too long. Live possessions are too expensive to hand back like that.

Break. Lionel Messi collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Lionel Messi got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Lionel Messi never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! The association football player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the association football player, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Lionel Messi sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The San Antonio Skyscrapers bench does not find it funny. LeBron James pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Hesitate, GO. Stephen Curry is by that hip before the man even blinks. So close. Stephen Curry can only stare at the iron.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Stephen Curry turns and points at his teammates, and the entire bench comes up as one. Lionel Messi reads the eyes the whole way, gets a mitt on it, and that is OUR basketball now.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

They just emptied an entire pro floor for the association football player. Read that back to yourself and tell me this league is normal. The association football player just flattened a man who had both feet planted. Charge, turnover, and a very quiet walk back on defense.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Stephen Curry breaks a shell down. Dribble handoff from Ronaldinho Gaúcho, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Off the back iron for Stephen Curry, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Ronaldinho Gaúcho avoids the cameras like the plague. Stephen Curry gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Jornada 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

84-118 (D)

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Lionel Messi already has the defense a full step behind. Hard drive, hard stop, and Ronaldinho Gaúcho retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Ronaldinho Gaúcho rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Unselfish basketball. LeBron James passes up a good shot and hands Ronaldinho Gaúcho a GREAT one. That is the shot chart lying to you. Ronaldinho Gaúcho did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Stephen Curry wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second. Stephen Curry goes up in transition and gets HAMMERED across the head. The crew heads to the monitor, and this one is getting upgraded.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Time to breathe. Shaquille O'Neal has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. I've been told Shaquille O'Neal always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

Reserves in, the lead never in doubt, Ronaldinho Gaúcho keeps the ball moving and lets the young guys eat.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball moves. Ronaldinho Gaúcho to Lionel Messi, on time and on target. Look how low Lionel Messi keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. That is another catch and shoot triple for Lionel Messi, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

The drive goes baseline, Shaquille O'Neal rotates off the weak side and meets him at the rim with both arms straight up.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Ronaldinho Gaúcho breaks a shell down. Two defenders, one gap, and LeBron James finds it. Onions on that pass. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Stephen Curry rises over the defender and it falls through.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Lionel Messi just did it by hitting LeBron James on the back side with acres of room. The beauty of it is that LeBron James never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Ronaldinho Gaúcho, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Lionel Messi gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Pull-up from the elbow by Shaquille O'Neal, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Right through the window. Lionel Messi to Shaquille O'Neal on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Rim out for Shaquille O'Neal, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Lionel Messi sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. LeBron James puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.