My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Bonnie Blue. Standing at 163 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This woman catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except she follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when she lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is her hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. The chef's surprise of the evening is Bonnie Blue. A tv host by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when she saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this girl can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what she can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The woman spent her first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But she's got a heart size of a watermelon, she runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves her. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-133 (L)
Bonnie Blue, this miniature missile, sets the tone immediately! An off-the-charts basketball IQ from the jump!
Sweetie Fox misses! Even a tv host can't fix that shot!
Turnover by Sophie Rain! Captivating the algorithm requires less coordination, clearly!
Sweetie Fox overcommits! Going all-in like a tv host on the game, but wrong!
Bonnie Blue pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The tv host in them is showing!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Bonnie Blue walks head down toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Bonnie Blue does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Sweetie Fox launches from deep and misses! A tv host's range doesn't apply here!
This guy with a proven track record Johnny Sins can barely jump! The springs are gone at half court!
Sophie Rain with the backcourt violation! This guy nobody was talking about under too much pressure!
Mia Khalifa buries their face! Hidden from view, the stunt performer can't watch!
Sweetie Fox shakes hands through the pain! A tv host who respects their bare hands and the game!
Sophie Rain shakes Bonnie Blue's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
86-131 (L)
And we're underway! Bonnie Blue touches the basketball first! This surprise package looks eager!
A sky hook from Sweetie Fox catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Sophie Rain with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the algorithm!
This seasoned vet Johnny Sins picks up the cheap foul! Heavy feet showing!
Sophie Rain fades away and kicks the stanchion! This guy nobody was talking about losing composure!
The players leave the court. Bonnie Blue clings to the tunnel railing. Anecdote: Bonnie Blue lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Bonnie Blue fires and misses at the top of the key. Should have stuck with the game!
Sweetie Fox, this dark horse, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
Bonnie Blue turns it over at the last second! A tv host dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
This rising star Sweetie Fox slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
This living legend Mia Khalifa stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this living legend wanted.
Mia Khalifa pulls her cap down over her eyes. Sophie Rain doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Behind the scenes, I learned Sophie Rain was also an internet celebrity in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
91-107 (L)
Sweetie Fox sets the tone early! The tv host came to play tonight!
Sophie Rain, this swiss-army-knife type, wastes a golden chance with a wild reverse layup!
Sweetie Fox gets picked! A tv host getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Sophie Rain, this combo guard, gets exploited in the switch! Occasional mental lapses exposed in the mismatch!
Bonnie Blue crosses over and scores! Those tv host hands work wonders with the ball!
End of the first half. Bonnie Blue is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: Bonnie Blue tried to impress the Orlando Magic-Beans players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With her face. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Bonnie Blue kicks the air! The frustration of a tv host who knows they can do better!
Sweetie Fox heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!
Sweetie Fox uses that tv host IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Johnny Sins tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a tv host's energy for the game!
Mia Khalifa fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the stunt performer gave everything!
Bonnie Blue closes her eyes walking out. Sophie Rain keeps her wide open, fixed, empty. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
89-127 (L)
This hidden prospect Sophie Rain gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Bonnie Blue with the contested bank shot from the left corner! No good! Bad selection!
Sweetie Fox passes to nobody! This diamond in the rough with a head-scratching decision!
Mia Khalifa watches helplessly! A stunt performer watching the game fall off the shelf!
Sophie Rain glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this internet celebrity!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Sweetie Fox walks head down toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Sweetie Fox has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Johnny Sins, this undersized spark plug, gets the separation but can't finish! Ego the size of Texas!
Johnny Sins digs deep! Deep as a tv host digs into the game!
This newcomer Bonnie Blue commits the 5-second violation! Clock management sometimes predictable game!
This basketball god Mia Khalifa fouls hard out of frustration! Lack of consistency showing!
Johnny Sins wipes a tear! A tv host who poured everything into the effort!
Sophie Rain stares at the floor while Bonnie Blue mutters something inaudible under her breath. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
84-128 (L)
The game begins and Sweetie Fox is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over her face!
Sophie Rain clanks another one off the rim! This diamond in the rough needs to find rhythm!
Sweetie Fox with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost tv host!
Bonnie Blue loses the battle in the paint! Being a tv host doesn't help you here!
Sophie Rain, this tweener, shows negative body language! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Johnny Sins picks up the pace. Did you know? Johnny Sins launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Johnny Sins takes a tough hook shot and it doesn't go! Hot head in shot selection!
Sweetie Fox short-arms the shot from fatigue! This who-is-this-guy player has nothing left!
Mia Khalifa throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Bonnie Blue drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a tv host's spirit has limits!
Mia Khalifa, this pint-sized baller, trudges off the gymnasium. Lessons to take from this one.
Sophie Rain shakes Bonnie Blue's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-130 (L)
Johnny Sins gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a tv host on day one!
Sophie Rain launches a reverse layup and... Airball! Tendency to force bad shots at its peak!
Mia Khalifa botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Sophie Rain gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Sophie Rain looks to the heavens! An internet celebrity praying for their ring light to work!
That's a cut. Johnny Sins stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Small detail: Johnny Sins wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Mia Khalifa puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Sweetie Fox waves for a timeout! The tv host needs the game break!
This dark horse Bonnie Blue with turnover number buckets! Injury-prone body is piling up!
Mia Khalifa sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a stunt performer after a long shift!
Despite the loss, Sweetie Fox held their own with the game! The tv host fought!
Mia Khalifa stares at the floor while Sweetie Fox mutters something inaudible under her breath. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-129 (L)
Bonnie Blue checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Sophie Rain forces a bad sky hook! This newcomer needs to trust teammates!
This well-respected player Johnny Sins dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Mia Khalifa gets posterized! A stunt performer framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
This generational talent Mia Khalifa stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break. Bonnie Blue collapses next to the vending machine. Rumor has it Bonnie Blue does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Bonnie Blue clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Johnny Sins leans on their knees! Gassed, but the tv host keeps going!
Johnny Sins double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Bonnie Blue, this total unknown, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Bonnie Blue leaves the field house with dignity! The dignity of a tv host with their bare hands!
Sweetie Fox mutters 'damn' under her breath. Mia Khalifa says 'yeah' in the same tone. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-121 (L)
Sweetie Fox bounces the ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Sophie Rain goes 0 for the quarter! An internet celebrity having a rough shift with their ring light!
Sweetie Fox throws it away! A pass worse than a tv host tossing the game!
Johnny Sins, this undersized dog, gets blown by on the perimeter! Heavy feet in the legs!
Sophie Rain tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the internet celebrity will bounce back!
Both teams head in. Sweetie Fox has a red mark on her cheek from an elbow. Little secret: Sweetie Fox has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Mia Khalifa bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Mia Khalifa mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Sophie Rain dishes the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy nobody was talking about!
Sweetie Fox, this diamond in the rough, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Johnny Sins refuses to make excuses! A tv host owns the game failures too!
Sophie Rain walks toward the tunnel without a word. Mia Khalifa stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
74-119 (L)
This dark horse Sophie Rain comes out firing! An and-one in the first minute!
This unknown gem Bonnie Blue puts up a bucket but it won't fall! Off night!
Stolen from Johnny Sins! A tv host who let it slip through their fingers!
Bonnie Blue gets blown by! Even a tv host couldn't stop that!
Mia Khalifa crosses over the towel! This household name showing injury-prone body!
Halftime! Johnny Sins looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Locker room anecdote: Johnny Sins talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Johnny Sins forces a floater in transition! This hooper's hooper trying too hard!
Mia Khalifa soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Mia Khalifa with the errant pass! This global icon needs to settle down!
Sweetie Fox vents at their teammates! The tv host who vents about the game!
Johnny Sins launches to the tunnel in disappointment. This guy with a proven track record will learn from this.
Bonnie Blue pulls her cap down over her eyes. Johnny Sins doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-127 (L)
Sweetie Fox shoots with energy from the opening whistle! This who-is-this-guy player locked in!
Sophie Rain sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this internet celebrity!
Intercepted! Johnny Sins's pass snatched right out of the air! A tv host would never be that careless!
Johnny Sins gets posted up and scored on! This hooper's hooper overpowered!
Sophie Rain, this potential breakout star, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to force bad shots in tough moments!
Halftime whistle! Johnny Sins grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Johnny Sins knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Denver Horse-Track's colors. By accident, obviously. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Mia Khalifa bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Sweetie Fox is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Sophie Rain crosses over into a trap! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the defense!
Mia Khalifa stares in disbelief! The look of a stunt performer who just lost everything!
Mia Khalifa looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a stunt performer!
Mia Khalifa pulls her cap down over her eyes. Sweetie Fox doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
Sophie Rain huddles with the team! Huddling up, the internet celebrity strategizes!
A thunderous slam by Johnny Sins driving to the hoop is way off! Tough night for this player making noise!
Bonnie Blue with a wild pass that sails out! This potential breakout star giving it away!
Mia Khalifa reacts too late to rotate! Hot head on the help side!
Bonnie Blue mouths off during crunch time! A tv host venting about the game!
The locker room. Sophie Rain sprawls out full-length on the bench. Intel: Sophie Rain asked New York Over-Timers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Mia Khalifa shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! A stunt performer lost in the noise!
Bonnie Blue misses the rotation! Too tired, like a tv host too tired for the game!
Sweetie Fox, this short king, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Sweetie Fox gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Sophie Rain absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, an internet celebrity knows tough days!
Mia Khalifa's eyes are glassy. Bonnie Blue mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-124 (L)
Sophie Rain, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! A Finals-like atmosphere!
Bonnie Blue can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
Bonnie Blue loses the ball in traffic! This total unknown can't afford that!
Mia Khalifa left in the dust! Even a stunt performer moves faster than that!
Sophie Rain throws their hands up! Like an internet celebrity when their ring light breaks!
Break. Johnny Sins asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Rumor has it Johnny Sins has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Bonnie Blue takes off and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
Sophie Rain is running on pure willpower! This hungry young player refusing to quit!
Johnny Sins forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Bonnie Blue, this lightning-quick little man, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over her face!
Bonnie Blue, this pint-sized baller, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
Sweetie Fox shakes Mia Khalifa's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-125 (L)
The gym welcomes Johnny Sins! The tv host with the game has arrived!
Sweetie Fox with a wild attempt! This diamond in the rough not finding the range tonight!
This total unknown Sophie Rain forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This dark horse Bonnie Blue gives up the offensive rebound! Sometimes predictable game when boxing out!
Bonnie Blue argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Halftime whistle. Mia Khalifa has dried blood on her elbow but plays tough. Physio's confession: Mia Khalifa purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Sophie Rain, this hidden prospect, comes up empty! A tear drop off target off the pick and roll!
Mia Khalifa bends over during the dead ball! This certified GOAT candidate gathering what's left!
Bonnie Blue lets fly carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Mia Khalifa slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a stunt performer hits the workbench!
Bonnie Blue takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad tv host day!
Sweetie Fox takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Bonnie Blue doesn't drink. Throat too tight. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
This household name Mia Khalifa in the starting lineup! Let's see what this household name brings!
Brick! Sweetie Fox misfires back to the basket! Ego the size of Texas at the worst time!
Mia Khalifa, this small but mighty player, gets stripped at the buzzer! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Johnny Sins gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
This hidden prospect Sweetie Fox gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Well-deserved break. Sophie Rain looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know Sophie Rain entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Sophie Rain misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their ring light at the algorithm!
Sweetie Fox labors up the court! Trudging like a tv host dragging the game!
Johnny Sins coughs up the pill! Heavy feet strikes again at the top of the key!
Bonnie Blue storms to the bench! Heated! This tv host doesn't handle losing well!
Sweetie Fox leaves the gymnasium quietly! Quiet as a tv host after the game setback!
Bonnie Blue mutters 'damn' under her breath. Sophie Rain says 'yeah' in the same tone. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-131 (L)
This diamond in the rough Sophie Rain comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater in transition!
Sophie Rain, this versatile guy, gets the look but can't convert at half court!
Bonnie Blue, this short king, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
Bonnie Blue overcommits and gets beat! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the play!
Sweetie Fox picks up the second technical! This dark horse ejected! Ego the size of Texas!
End of the second quarter. Sweetie Fox is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Fun fact: Sweetie Fox got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Bonnie Blue misses the open look! A tv host never misses the game... But misses the rock!
Johnny Sins is running on fumes! The tv host tank is completely empty!
Sweetie Fox trips up in the center circle! A tv host never trips at work... Right?
Mia Khalifa slams the ball in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Sweetie Fox sits alone on the bench. This player nobody saw coming processing the defeat.
Sophie Rain leaves the court at a jog. Sweetie Fox stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Did you know that Sweetie Fox practices internet celebrity on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Bonnie Blue.
Season journal
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