My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿
5 members · by Isaac Priest · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Goku. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Frank Ocean, his brother-in-law and a rapper by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their hot mic and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Frank Ocean can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the fiery bars to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
75-120 (L)
Marvin Gaye steps onto the court! From competing the game to this, game time!
Marvin Gaye with the contested euro-step from mid-range! No good! Bad selection!
Marvin Gaye coughs up the damn ball! Sometimes predictable game strikes again driving to the hoop!
Marvin Gaye gambles for the steal and pays the price! Sometimes predictable game!
Frank Ocean slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rapper hits the workbench!
Rest. Marvin Gaye buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know Marvin Gaye entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Frank Sinatra sends it wide! Their loaded checkbook wouldn't forgive that either!
Frank Sinatra slows down visibly! Slower than their loaded checkbook on low power!
Goku with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost farmer!
Shrek storms to the bench! This name that's buzzing is visibly upset!
Frank Sinatra wipes a tear! A film producer who poured everything into the effort!
Marvin Gaye takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Shrek follows the same path. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
79-123 (L)
Tip-off! Shrek gets us started! Let's go!
Brick! Goku misfires under the basket! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Shrek with a wild pass that sails out! This dude putting the league on notice giving it away!
Frank Ocean reacts too late to rotate! Hot head on the help side!
Marvin Gaye pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The singer in them is showing!
Break! Goku rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Fun fact: Goku blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Shrek, this dude putting the league on notice, comes up empty! A two-handed slam off target facing the rim!
Shrek, this well-respected player, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Goku forces the pass! Forcing the seed dibber where it doesn't fit!
Shrek, this established player, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
Frank Ocean tips the cap to the winners! The rapper's grace with the fiery bars!
Shrek's lip is trembling. Goku dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
84-119 (L)
Marvin Gaye huddles with the team! Huddling up, the singer strategizes!
This guy everybody knows Frank Ocean misses the mark! A half-court heave goes begging off the pick and roll!
Frank Ocean with the errant pass! This reliable star needs to settle down!
Marvin Gaye gets burned on the drive! Lack of consistency in lateral movement!
Frank Sinatra, this little guy, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Both teams head in. Frank Ocean has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Word is Frank Ocean sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
This headliner Goku muscles up a thunderous slam but can't get it to fall!
This living legend Frank Sinatra calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Ego the size of Texas taking its toll!
Frank Ocean loses the damn ball! A rapper would never be this careless!
Frank Sinatra throws their hands up! Like a film producer when their loaded checkbook breaks!
Frank Ocean leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a rapper after the fiery bars setback!
Shrek lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Marvin Gaye holds his in. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
81-125 (L)
Marvin Gaye checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Shrek, this solid build, can't finish at half court! That one stings!
Goku goes to work carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Goku fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a farmer chasing the stubborn soil!
Frank Ocean, this reliable star, refuses to high-five! Limited stamina hurting the chemistry!
Halftime! Marvin Gaye has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Confession: Marvin Gaye believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Goku fades away but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
Shrek, this smooth operator, with tired legs at the top of the key! Occasional mental lapses slowing this guy with a proven track record down!
This franchise guy Marvin Gaye with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Frank Ocean mutters to himself walking back! This max-contract guy fighting inner demons!
Frank Sinatra hangs their head! A film producer who gave everything they had!
Frank Ocean bites the inside of his cheek. Marvin Gaye pinches the bridge of his nose. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
75-119 (L)
Goku steps back onto the floor! The crowd roars for this multi-time All-Star!
Frank Sinatra, this first-ballot legend, fumbles the finish at the buzzer! Back to the drawing board!
Shrek with the lazy pass! Injury-prone body leading to easy points!
Frank Ocean gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the fiery bars on a rough day!
Frank Ocean slams the Wilson in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Break! Frank Ocean takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Frank Ocean entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Frank Sinatra with the off-balance fadeaway jumper! This once-in-a-lifetime player couldn't set the feet!
Marvin Gaye needs oxygen! More winded than a singer after overtime!
Frank Sinatra throws it out of bounds! Like launching their loaded checkbook into the void!
Marvin Gaye looks to the heavens! A singer praying for their bare hands to work!
Shrek, this tweener, hangs the head. Tough loss despite silky smooth technique effort.
Shrek takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Goku doesn't drink. Throat too tight. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
80-116 (L)
Frank Ocean launches with energy from the opening whistle! This bonafide star locked in!
Goku misses the bunny! A farmer dropping the stubborn soil from point-blank!
Frank Sinatra explodes into a trap! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the defense!
Frank Ocean can't stay in front! Spitting the fiery bars doesn't build lateral quickness!
Shrek, this solid build, waves off the play call! Hot head hurting the team!
Cut! Halftime. Frank Sinatra's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Anecdote: Frank Sinatra fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Marvin Gaye short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their bare hands!
Frank Ocean leans on their knees! Gassed, but the rapper keeps going!
Frank Ocean gets picked! A rapper getting the fiery bars stolen in broad daylight!
This top-tier talent Frank Ocean stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Goku walks off in defeat! Even a farmer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Goku snaps at the bench on his way out. Frank Sinatra says nothing, but his look says everything. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
75-120 (L)
This franchise guy Goku comes out firing! An and-one in the first minute!
A scoop layup from Shrek hits the iron! Shaky emotions under pressure under the spotlight!
Turnover by Frank Ocean! Spitting the fiery bars requires less coordination, clearly!
This dude putting the league on notice Shrek bites on the fake! Beaten driving to the hoop!
Goku can't mask the disappointment! This bonafide star wearing it on the sleeve!
Off to the locker room. Goku has already drained two water bottles. Small detail: Goku whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Frank Ocean misses the open look! A rapper never misses the fiery bars... But misses the leather!
Goku finds a second wind! The farmer engine roars back to life!
Intercepted! Frank Sinatra's pass snatched right out of the air! A film producer would never be that careless!
Shrek, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated at half court!
This headliner Goku tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Frank Sinatra takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Frank Ocean doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
85-130 (L)
And we're underway! Frank Ocean touches the rock first! This jersey-selling name looks eager!
Frank Sinatra can't buy a bucket! Another miss at half court! Frustrating!
This top-tier talent Frank Ocean dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Frank Ocean gets posterized! A rapper framed by their hot mic in the worst way!
Goku mouths off at the jump ball! A farmer venting about the stubborn soil!
Halftime whistle. Goku has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Confession: Goku calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Shrek, this well-respected player, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Goku stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a farmer over the stubborn soil!
Frank Sinatra, this undersized spark plug, gets stripped on the low block! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Shrek drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
Marvin Gaye, this smooth operator, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
Frank Sinatra avoids the cameras like the plague. Marvin Gaye gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
78-123 (L)
The den welcomes Frank Sinatra! The film producer with the risky picture has arrived!
Shrek, this legit talent, pulls the trigger from mid-range but no luck!
Frank Sinatra, this undersized spark plug, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
This guy with rings on every finger Frank Sinatra picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to rush showing!
This seasoned vet Shrek hangs the head after the miss! Deflated facing the rim!
Break! Frank Sinatra has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Frank Sinatra started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Shrek fires a reverse layup at the top of the key but can't connect! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Goku gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from cultivating the stubborn soil and hooping!
Marvin Gaye double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Frank Sinatra posts up the towel! This absolute legend showing shaky emotions under pressure!
Goku reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Shrek pulls his cap down over his eyes. Goku doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-132 (L)
Frank Sinatra wins the opening tip! Tipping off with film producer energy!
Shrek, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the separation but can't finish! Occasional mental lapses!
Frank Ocean goes to work into a dead end at the buzzer! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
Marvin Gaye beaten to the spot! Slower than a singer on a Monday morning!
Goku vents at their teammates! The farmer who vents about the stubborn soil!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Goku walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Goku failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
A scoop layup by Marvin Gaye at half court is way off! Tough night for this certified bucket!
Shrek explodes sluggishly! Injury-prone body catching up with this guy with a proven track record!
Goku loses the rock in traffic! This world-class player can't afford that!
Shrek, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Frank Ocean looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a rapper!
Frank Ocean's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Shrek hides his eyes under a towel. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
74-119 (L)
This first-ballot legend Frank Sinatra gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Frank Sinatra puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their loaded checkbook can save that!
This up-and-coming baller Shrek gets pickpocketed in transition! Sloppy handling!
Frank Sinatra bites on the pump fake! This absolute legend sent flying driving to the hoop!
Frank Sinatra, this living legend, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Halftime whistle! Goku slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote of the day: Goku forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Shrek, this versatile guy, wastes a golden chance with a wild half-court heave!
Marvin Gaye is running on pure willpower! This certified bucket refusing to quit!
Goku commits the live-ball turnover! The seed dibber would be ashamed!
Frank Sinatra kicks the air! The frustration of a film producer who knows they can do better!
Goku, this All-Star caliber talent, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Frank Ocean refuses New York Over-Timers's handshake. Frank Sinatra offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Evening confession: I'm wearing Frank Ocean's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-123 (L)
Marvin Gaye stretches center court! Loosening up, the singer is getting ready!
Goku misfires from the left corner! Even this world-class player has off nights!
Frank Ocean, this tweener, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted off the pick and roll!
Frank Ocean caught flat-footed! Standing still, the rapper reflexes took a nap!
Frank Ocean drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rapper's spirit has limits!
Halftime! Marvin Gaye has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Confession: Marvin Gaye calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Marvin Gaye, this versatile guy, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this All-Star caliber talent!
Marvin Gaye short-arms the shot from fatigue! This established star has nothing left!
Shrek pulls up the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this respected competitor!
This big-name player Goku can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Marvin Gaye walks off in silence. This world-class player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Frank Sinatra and Marvin Gaye walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
79-123 (L)
Frank Sinatra locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a film producer who means business!
Frank Ocean, this tweener, can't get a double-clutch layup to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This jersey-selling name Marvin Gaye loses concentration and the leather with it!
This league veteran Shrek commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
Frank Sinatra, this franchise cornerstone, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Rest time. Shrek isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Intel: Shrek refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Frank Sinatra fades away the rock into nothing! Hot head on full display tonight!
Goku is gassed! More tired than after a full day of cultivating the stubborn soil!
Shrek throws it into the stands! What was that from this guy with a proven track record!
Frank Sinatra waves off the play! The authority of a film producer in that gesture!
Marvin Gaye absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a singer knows tough days!
Goku watches the crowd file out in silence. Frank Sinatra prefers not to look. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-127 (L)
This player on the come-up Shrek comes out aggressive! Opens with a scoop layup from way beyond the arc!
Frank Ocean sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this rapper!
Frank Ocean, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the ball poked away! Defense that's basically a suggestion when protecting the basketball!
Shrek overcommits and gets beat! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the play!
Marvin Gaye mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Time to breathe. Goku has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. I've been told Goku always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Frank Sinatra goes 0 for the quarter! A film producer having a rough shift with their loaded checkbook!
This max-contract guy Frank Ocean signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Heavy feet!
This solid pro Shrek commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
This big-name player Marvin Gaye fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Frank Sinatra packs up and heads out! Packing their loaded checkbook, unpacking emotions!
Goku kicks his towel across the floor. Shrek has already left for the locker room, alone. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-129 (L)
This all-time great Frank Sinatra in the starting lineup! Let's see what this all-time great brings!
Shrek dunks the ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this player on the come-up!
Marvin Gaye, this smooth operator, gets called for the carry! Limited stamina in ball-handling!
Shrek, this all-around player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over injury-prone body!
Goku walks away muttering! Muttering about the stubborn soil under their breath!
Cut! Halftime. Shrek's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Locker room anecdote: Shrek talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Shrek clanks another one off the rim! This established player needs to find rhythm!
Goku takes the rest play! Even a farmer needs a breather!
Shrek throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure back to the basket!
Marvin Gaye buries their face! Hidden from view, the singer can't watch!
Shrek takes off to the tunnel in disappointment. This name that's buzzing will learn from this.
Marvin Gaye mutters while walking out. Frank Sinatra watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Goku.
Season journal
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