My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇳🇿

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

73-118 (L)

Clean feed from Sonic the Hedgehog, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. OHHHH, what a read by Wally West! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Rim out for Sonic the Hedgehog, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A superhero making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Wally West controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The superhero pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the superhero, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Halftime whistle! Hulk grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Hulk started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show Whammy Watch Live! To win a barrel of packing peanuts and absolutely nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-1073 and answer this question: 'How tall is the shortest player who ever dunked in a dream?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

OHHHH the hesi! Spider-Man froze him solid and he is already gone! Getting to his spot and elevating, Spider-Man puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Spider-Man, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Get that one framed. Spider-Man took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Spider-Man does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Wally West threw it before the help even committed. Hard drive, hard stop, and Hulk retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. OHHHH the POWER! Hulk took the hit and finished it anyway!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Hulk is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the spacing there, Spider-Man hits Hulk right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The scientist runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Spider-Man, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Wally West eats the contact so Hulk can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. So close. Hulk can only stare at the iron.

Sonic the Hedgehog gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Wally West saw it a beat early. Sonic the Hedgehog stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Sonic the Hedgehog blows the wide open layup!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Spider-Man punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Ivan Drago fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Sonic the Hedgehog replays the score in his head on a loop. Ivan Drago tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game show Whammy Watch Live! Doris Ann Pickerel of Skunk Cabbage, Connecticut, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How tall is the shortest player who ever dunked in a dream?' The answer was of course five foot two, and the dream was extremely convincing. Doris Ann therefore wins a barrel of packing peanuts and absolutely nothing else! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

104-108 (L)

Right through the window. Sonic the Hedgehog to Hulk on the roll, and the help was a half step late. The scientist just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

STOP AND GO! Spider-Man hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The superhero misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

The extra pass! Sonic the Hedgehog had the look, gave it up anyway, and Ivan Drago buries it. BANG! That is a dime from Sonic the Hedgehog that deserved so much better, and Ivan Drago knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Finally a breather. Hulk has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know Hulk entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

They do not teach that in the superhero handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. The superhero just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Sonic the Hedgehog should never take with three teammates standing wide open. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Spider-Man treats every miss like it belongs to him. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Spider-Man gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Wally West has it on a string tonight.

Wally West pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Wally West with the extra pass and CASH. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Spider-Man has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Straight to the logo at center court, Spider-Man plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Second pass beats the rotation, Wally West to Spider-Man, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Up goes the shot from Spider-Man and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

A superhero breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Ohhh no. Wally West just walked. In front of everybody.

The superhero runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. That is the shot Ivan Drago wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

HERE WE GO! Ivan Drago with the rock and everything riding on whatever happens next! Two seconds left, Ivan Drago rises, perfect footwork, perfect release, and the ball rattles out like the hoop had a lid on it.

Wally West taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Spider-Man walks through the door without pushing it. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

86-131 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Somebody explain the arc to the player. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. A player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Not a hand on him. Sonic the Hedgehog flat missed the bunny.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Wally West walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Down screen, and Ivan Drago curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. From eight feet Ivan Drago puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Into the tunnel. Sonic the Hedgehog grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Sonic the Hedgehog lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Shark Tank of Guppies! To win a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents, text HOOPS to 555-0138 and answer this question: 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The beauty of it is that Wally West never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Look at Ivan Drago mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to superhero the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. The scientist had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The superhero fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant. The superhero is in foul trouble already! Whatever hands-on skills that job teaches, none of them are legal in this league.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Iso time. Sonic the Hedgehog up top, one jab step, and the defender is already on SKATES. The player took the contact, made the shot, and swished the bonus. Whatever he does on Monday, tonight he is a PROBLEM.

The defender planted his feet, and Wally West said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Three shots for Wally West. Worst foul in the sport.

The help defender committed way too early, and Spider-Man made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. That is the play that breaks a defense. Spider-Man has turned three straight drives into points and the help is starting to hesitate.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Sonic the Hedgehog clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Wally West collapses into the first available chair. Ivan Drago stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game Shark Tank of Guppies! Curtis Boggs of Hog Waller, Florida, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' The answer was of course enough, and it does not care for the question. Curtis takes home a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents! Evening confession: I'm wearing Wally West's jersey under my shirt. For morale. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

84-129 (L)

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Whirl, and GONE! Spider-Man leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Two points left on the floor by Spider-Man, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

You can read it right off the scoreboard: not one point since the last stoppage, and Hulk is pressing badly now. The military personnel launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the superhero, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Halftime. Ivan Drago glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little secret: Ivan Drago has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show Double Dare You! To win a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky, text HOOPS to 555-0091 and answer this question: 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the superhero made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Rising up out of the corner, Wally West sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Full stop, full sprint, and the superhero is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Wally West!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Push the pace! Wally West grabs it and hits Ivan Drago in stride before the defense can even match up. Hesitate, GO. Ivan Drago is by that hip before the man even blinks. Buzzer on the shot clock, Ivan Drago heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Nobody expects touch like that from the superhero, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Spider-Man kicks it over to Sonic the Hedgehog, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The superhero finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Wally West strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Hulk carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Total control. Wally West has this thing on a string. The military personnel just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Hulk missed that one with real conviction.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is the second illegal pick of the night from Hulk, and possessions like that are how you lose a tight one.

Hulk rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Sonic the Hedgehog picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game Double Dare You! Opal Sisk of Nickel Plate, Colorado, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The answer was of course six, and the seventh is only out of politeness. Opal takes home a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

92-111 (L)

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Day job, then this: the player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Hulk dead.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Sonic the Hedgehog makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. The superhero baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. Both knocked down without the slightest wobble. Free throws are just a shift on the clock, and the superhero punched in on time.

Ice in the veins: Spider-Man taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Spider-Man pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Spider-Man, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

The superhero pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. BAAAANG! Ivan Drago from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

The players disappear into the tunnel. Hulk asks for an ice pack. Locker room intel: Hulk has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' We're back! The players look fired up.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Ivan Drago says NOT in my house!

This is the possession the entire scouting report warned about, and Sonic the Hedgehog is licking his chops. Feet were down. Sonic the Hedgehog drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The military personnel just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard. Spider-Man got the ball, but he got it on the way down, and they are awarded the two anyway.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Look how low Ivan Drago keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. That is the shot chart lying to you. Ivan Drago did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The superhero just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Ivan Drago fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

That is a foot speed problem. Sonic the Hedgehog keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night. Three fouls on the player before halftime. He clocks in, he throws two elbows, he clocks right back out.

Sonic the Hedgehog sits on the floor in the hallway. Ivan Drago sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

83-128 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Hulk rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Wally West holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Hulk flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. OHHHH what a FINISH from Hulk! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Hulk points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Hulk just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats. The player just ran the length of the floor to erase a layup off the backboard. Frame that one for the break room!

Break! Spider-Man rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know? Spider-Man once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! To win a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever, text HOOPS to 555-0876 and answer this question: 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Wally West beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Spider-Man has all the room in the world. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the superhero, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Wally West the moment he crosses half court. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Wally West is walking back with both hands on his head.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Wally West has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Sonic the Hedgehog precisely where the play wanted it. Baseline spin from Sonic the Hedgehog at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Oh my. Sonic the Hedgehog did not even draw iron.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Spider-Man just did it by hitting Hulk on the back side with acres of room. Give and go! Hulk gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Ivan Drago threads a BEAUTY to Hulk under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The superhero pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Wally West rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Hulk turns the corner off the screen from Ivan Drago, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Ivan Drago drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Spider-Man keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Spider-Man mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Los Angeles Nursing-Home fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Ivan Drago is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Hulk waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! Faye Ellen Hocutt of Turnip Hollow, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The answer was of course eleven pounds of fabric and about a hundred pounds of expectation. Faye Ellen therefore wins a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Hulk. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

88-113 (L)

A superhero breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Down, up, and gone for Spider-Man. The rim is just toying with him now.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Wally West drops it off to Sonic the Hedgehog on time and on target. Sonic the Hedgehog crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Sonic the Hedgehog launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Eyes on the ball, brain somewhere else, and both feet parked in the paint. Hulk has to give that one back.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The players head to the locker room. Sonic the Hedgehog is sweating like a racehorse. I've been told Sonic the Hedgehog always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

The superhero pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Fifth possession this half where Sonic the Hedgehog has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Set called, Sonic the Hedgehog waved out to the corner, and Wally West watches the spacing open up like a front door. Watch the sell from Sonic the Hedgehog here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. That is what heavy minutes do, Sonic the Hedgehog has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here. Ivan Drago SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Ivan Drago crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Ivan Drago takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Hulk pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Lazy feed into the middle, Wally West read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. Fingertips! Wally West gets just enough on it and the ball squirts loose.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Hand check on Ivan Drago. That is a foul in this league every single time. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Ivan Drago goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Wally West breaks a shell down. One little shoulder dip from Sonic the Hedgehog and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Clang. Sonic the Hedgehog wants that one back.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at Ivan Drago, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the scientist and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Ivan Drago refuses Toronto Border-Patrol's handshake. Sonic the Hedgehog offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

91-115 (L)

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Wally West rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. The superhero just turned a straight-up mugging into a three-point play. Whatever the day job pays, it is nowhere near enough.

Swing, swing, and Spider-Man finds Wally West on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Kick out to Wally West, one more to Spider-Man, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Spider-Man. Cruel.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

No hero ball here: Wally West takes what the defense gives and moves it along. You could hear the whole building groan, and Ivan Drago knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Sonic the Hedgehog has known that all night long. Full stop, full sprint, and the superhero is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Perfect drop-off from Ivan Drago, and Spider-Man answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Heading in. Wally West's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Small detail: Wally West wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Beautiful footwork on that one from Sonic the Hedgehog, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Baby hook by Sonic the Hedgehog, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Minnesota Ice-Wall bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Sonic the Hedgehog keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The defense keeps turning contested looks by Sonic the Hedgehog into free points. STOP REACHING. Wide left and nowhere near it, Sonic the Hedgehog delivers the ball straight to the baseline photographer. Uncontested.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ivan Drago sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Wally West lays it right on his hands in traffic! In, around, and gone. The iron gives Ivan Drago nothing.

Watch the change of pace from Wally West, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Awful shot by Wally West with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHH that is filthy! Ivan Drago on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Nobody drew up that arc. The superhero floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Spider-Man comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Spider-Man goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Ivan Drago's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Wally West breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

78-123 (L)

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Nothing. Again. Spider-Man is staring at that rim like it owes him money. Shot clock at one, and Sonic the Hedgehog just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Spider-Man makes it every single trip down the floor. The military personnel just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. The superhero hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Ball moves. Wally West to Ivan Drago, on time and on target. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Ivan Drago never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Deep. Deeper. GONE. Ivan Drago drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Ivan Drago freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Houston Blast-Off coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Hulk the moment he crosses half court. Pull-up from the elbow by Hulk, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Halftime whistle! Ivan Drago slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Ivan Drago was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

The military personnel just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the military personnel. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the superhero is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Spider-Man kicks it over to Sonic the Hedgehog, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Sonic the Hedgehog splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Missed layup for the superhero and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A superhero making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. The scientist gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Unselfish basketball. Sonic the Hedgehog passes up a good shot and hands Hulk a GREAT one. No touch. Hulk left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Straight down the baseline goes the scientist! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Wally West already has the defense a full step behind. Screened, toasted, done. Sonic the Hedgehog is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Missed layup for the player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Wally West stares at the floor while Ivan Drago mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

80-115 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Ivan Drago who wins the little argument at center court.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Watch Spider-Man plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Sonic the Hedgehog out of that corner in a blink. The player just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Wally West and Sonic the Hedgehog just played basketball and the defense got shredded. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Wally West cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Rest. Spider-Man buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Spider-Man was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Technical on the scientist! He argues with people all day at work and loses those too, only this one costs a free throw.

Not a bite on the pump fake, Hulk stays tall, and the floater dies on the iron. The superhero just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. BAAAANG! Wally West throws the outlet ahead and Sonic the Hedgehog finishes through contact at the rim!

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Sonic the Hedgehog disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Ivan Drago is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Day job, then this: the scientist reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Sonic the Hedgehog rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to superhero the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. The military personnel had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Spider-Man launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A superhero making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. The superhero had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Over the top of everybody. Wally West to Spider-Man in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Second pass beats the rotation, Spider-Man to Hulk, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Rising into two defenders, Hulk launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the superhero, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the scientist, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Hulk pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Wally West takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

82-127 (L)

Look at that bench! Ivan Drago just lit the fuse! Nobody told the superhero that chasedown blocks are supposed to be above his pay grade.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Wally West walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Spider-Man put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Spider-Man rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Wally West has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Hulk precisely where the play wanted it. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Hulk did all the dirty work on that one. Court vision like that on the superhero is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the player goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Pointing up at the family section, Sonic the Hedgehog taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Finally a breather. Spider-Man has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Word is Spider-Man sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Cross court, on a rope, from the player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Kick out to Ivan Drago, one more to Spider-Man, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The big man never even contested it, and Spider-Man still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Hulk kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. That is a forced shot from the military personnel that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

CHARGE! Ivan Drago runs a set defender straight over and the arm goes the other way.

The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. OHHHH! Wally West went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Textbook two three with Spider-Man manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. Winning basketball right there: Wally West knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

A whole possession dies in the hands of the superhero without a single attempt going up. Back to the day job for a rethink.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Wally West controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The military personnel hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Hulk kicks his towel across the floor. Ivan Drago has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

73-118 (L)

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Wally West whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. The defender fronted him, so Sonic the Hedgehog sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Pointing up at the family section, Sonic the Hedgehog taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

The defender crowded the middle, and Spider-Man punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Spider-Man still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Wally West chases the referee half the length of the floor and pays for it with a technical. The superhero argued himself right off the floor. That mouth pays the bills in that line of work, and tonight it cost him the fourth quarter.

Halftime whistle! Hulk slides down against the hallway wall. Intel: Hulk asked Cleveland Twin-Towers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Wally West flops. Nobody in stripes even turns around.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Off the pin-down comes the superhero with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Third one of these from Wally West this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Sonic the Hedgehog gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Sonic the Hedgehog up there and returns it with interest.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Spider-Man, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Blocked into the floor. Spider-Man will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Wally West rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Wally West pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SPIN and GO! Spider-Man pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Missed layup for the superhero and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Whistles. Monitor. And Wally West standing frozen at midcourt. The superhero is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Wally West takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Sonic the Hedgehog doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

86-130 (L)

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball moves. Sonic the Hedgehog to Ivan Drago, on time and on target. Second pass beats the rotation, Ivan Drago to Hulk, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Hulk!

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SKIP PASS! Sonic the Hedgehog fires it cross court to Ivan Drago and the defense is dead in the water! Left, right, gone. Ivan Drago put that defender on skates and never even looked back. The military personnel tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

The superhero pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the military personnel! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Heading in. Sonic the Hedgehog's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know Sonic the Hedgehog knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Boston Ring-Chasers's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Briefcase Roulette! To win a portable radio that only picks up farm reports, text HOOPS to 555-0561 and answer this question: 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from Wally West, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Dribble handoff from Ivan Drago, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Hulk attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Hulk lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Spider-Man drags Hulk away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Wally West just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Ivan Drago half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Watch the feet on Ivan Drago there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Third reach charged to Wally West. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Wally West! Nothing but runway to the rim! Hang time like that on the scientist? You do not pick that up on the day job, folks. Absolutely ridiculous.

Day job, then this: the superhero reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the scientist and quietly turning off the TV.

Two guys on the exact same page, Wally West and Sonic the Hedgehog, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Nobody drew up that arc. The superhero floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Spider-Man. Brutal for the superhero, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Ivan Drago claps his hands in frustration. Hulk clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game show Briefcase Roulette! Ardith Sprague of Chicken Wing, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The answer was of course nine, and one of them is purely decorative. Ardith therefore wins a portable radio that only picks up farm reports! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

83-128 (L)

Wally West kicks it over to Sonic the Hedgehog, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Ball into Ivan Drago at the elbow, Sonic the Hedgehog plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Prayer from Sonic the Hedgehog. Not answered.

Baseline wide open. Sonic the Hedgehog said thank you. The ball skips around the perimeter, Wally West finds the open man on the weak side, and Sonic the Hedgehog buries it.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH the hesi! Spider-Man froze him solid and he is already gone! You can live with most mistakes, but fouling Spider-Man behind the arc gets you a seat next to the coach.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Halftime. Sonic the Hedgehog is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Little secret: Sonic the Hedgehog watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Lazy one-hander from Spider-Man through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

GONE down the baseline! Sonic the Hedgehog beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Sonic the Hedgehog is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The military personnel turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Ivan Drago loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Ivan Drago watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Sonic the Hedgehog. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Sonic the Hedgehog has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Wally West has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Ivan Drago precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHH the pin-down! Ivan Drago pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Hulk. Brutal. A cruel spin-out for the military personnel, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Day job, then this: the superhero reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Long and gone. Hulk floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Somewhere out there a scientist is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment.

Hulk shakes Spider-Man's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! Tonight I had a revelation: Spider-Man runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

84-129 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Hulk winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Push the pace! Wally West grabs it and hits Ivan Drago in stride before the defense can even match up. Off the pin-down comes the military personnel with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Ivan Drago put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Wally West drops it off to Sonic the Hedgehog on time and on target. A full spin move through traffic from the player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Rises, releases, and Sonic the Hedgehog sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Time to breathe. Spider-Man has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Rumor has it Spider-Man tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Clock Radio! To win a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011, text HOOPS to 555-0022 and answer this question: 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Sonic the Hedgehog kicks it over to Hulk, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Hulk, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Set called, Sonic the Hedgehog waved out to the corner, and Wally West watches the spacing open up like a front door. Watch the spacing, Sonic the Hedgehog drags two bodies toward the ball and Ivan Drago is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the military personnel! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The shooter saw Ivan Drago rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The scientist takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. The scientist spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Hulk pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Ivan Drago mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Sonic the Hedgehog lowers the shoulder, the defender was planted, and that is an offensive foul. Hand the ball back.

SKIP PASS! Wally West fires it cross court to Hulk and the defense is dead in the water! Kick out to Hulk, one more to Ivan Drago, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Ivan Drago do that to one of their own.

Ivan Drago throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Sonic the Hedgehog grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

The player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The scientist just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Hulk gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Wally West's lip is trembling. Sonic the Hedgehog dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. And here is the answer to our game Beat the Clock Radio! Buford Wamsley of Cement City, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' The answer was of course that is strictly between the mascot and the mascot. Buford takes home a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'