My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇦🇺
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Batman on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Ice Spice. Profession? Rapper. Yeah. The coach saw her on TV, called her agent (who didn't exist), and offered her a ten-day contract "to see." The girl showed up with their hot mic, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At her first practice, she attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But she's got heart, the woman, and apparently the precision she puts into the fiery bars could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-132 (L)
Batman stretches center court! Loosening up, the superhero is getting ready!
Godzilla steps back but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Batman tries to be too fancy and loses the pill! Heavy feet in the decision-making!
Ice Spice gets screened out! Stuck behind their hot mic like it's a wall!
Godzilla, this franchise guy, yells at the coaching staff! Injury-prone body causing friction!
Rest. Batman buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Rumor has it Batman talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Ice Spice misfires on the floater! Too much float, the rapper touch abandoned them!
Ice Spice is gassed! More tired than after a full day of spitting the fiery bars!
Nikocado Avocado loses possession! The algorithm never leaves a youtuber's hands like that!
Godzilla, this smooth operator, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
This top-tier talent Godzilla congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this top-tier talent.
Nikocado Avocado snaps at the bench on his way out. Ice Spice says nothing, but her look says everything. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
78-123 (L)
Godzilla, this versatile guy, takes the court! The cathedral silence is electric!
Godzilla, this smooth operator, can't finish from mid-range! That one stings!
Sonic the Hedgehog coughs up the Wilson! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again off the pick and roll!
This league veteran Ice Spice caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Sonic the Hedgehog storms to the bench! This certified bucket is visibly upset!
Halftime. Sonic the Hedgehog throws his towel on the floor walking in. Juicy anecdote: Sonic the Hedgehog was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Godzilla with the off-balance pull-up jumper! This franchise guy couldn't set the feet!
Godzilla, this multi-time All-Star, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Batman double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
This established star Godzilla throws an elbow in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Ice Spice consoles teammates! The heart of a rapper in that moment!
Ice Spice sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Nikocado Avocado has his head in his hands. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
75-120 (L)
Tip-off! Sonic the Hedgehog gets us started! Let's go!
Godzilla forces a bad half-court heave! This franchise guy needs to trust teammates!
Nikocado Avocado, this pint-sized baller, steps out of bounds with the damn ball! Mental lapse!
Ice Spice fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a rapper chasing the fiery bars!
Godzilla, this world-class player, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!
Halftime! Nikocado Avocado is limping slightly heading off the court. Rumor has it Nikocado Avocado talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Off the mark for Nikocado Avocado! Great youtuber, not so great at basketball tonight!
This dude out of nowhere Batman signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Hot head!
Batman botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Godzilla drives and kicks the stanchion! This All-Star caliber talent losing composure!
Despite the loss, Batman held their own with the game! The superhero fought!
Godzilla's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Batman breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
80-124 (L)
This guy with a proven track record Ice Spice gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Sonic the Hedgehog fires an off-balance shot from mid-range but can't connect! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Batman passes to nobody! This rising star with a head-scratching decision!
Ice Spice gets posterized! A rapper framed by their hot mic in the worst way!
This multi-time All-Star Sonic the Hedgehog shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Back in the locker room, Sonic the Hedgehog sits down and stares at the ceiling. Confession: Sonic the Hedgehog tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Nikocado Avocado misses the free throw! Captivating the algorithm under pressure is easier!
Godzilla misses from fatigue! This certified bucket can't get the elevation from the left corner!
Sonic the Hedgehog throws it into the stands! What was that from this All-Star caliber talent!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Limited stamina hurting the team!
Batman takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad superhero day!
Ice Spice presses her forehead against the tunnel glass. Godzilla walks right past without noticing. Tonight I learned Ice Spice used to be a volunteer firefighter before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
84-129 (L)
Sonic the Hedgehog attacks into position! This headliner not wasting any time!
Nikocado Avocado with a wild attempt! This guy with a proven track record not finding the range tonight!
Godzilla explodes the basketball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this jersey-selling name!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this solid build, gets dunked on under the basket! Poster material!
Sonic the Hedgehog drops the head after another miss! Injury-prone body sapping the confidence!
The players head in. Nikocado Avocado slips on the wet tunnel floor. Little scoop: Nikocado Avocado logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We're back! The players look fired up.
Godzilla with a rough bucket from way beyond the arc! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Godzilla is gassed! This headliner bent over at half court! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Godzilla, this all-around player, gets stripped on the low block! Injury-prone body exposed!
This surprise package Batman slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Godzilla, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite scary good handles effort.
Batman presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Ice Spice walks right past without noticing. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Ice Spice. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
75-119 (L)
Nikocado Avocado starts in the franchise player! Playing the franchise player the way a youtuber plays with their camera!
Ice Spice can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this established player!
This up-and-coming baller Nikocado Avocado dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Nikocado Avocado gets posted up and scored on! This up-and-coming baller overpowered!
Nikocado Avocado walks away muttering! Muttering about the algorithm under their breath!
Halftime. Sonic the Hedgehog throws his towel on the floor walking in. They say Sonic the Hedgehog eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Batman misses! Even a superhero can't fix that shot!
Batman waves for a timeout! The superhero needs the game break!
Godzilla loses the damn ball in traffic! This elite player can't afford that!
Nikocado Avocado shoots the towel! This name that's buzzing showing lack of consistency!
Nikocado Avocado walks off in silence. This seasoned vet gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Batman mutters while walking out. Godzilla watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
80-124 (L)
Ice Spice steps onto the floor! From spitting the fiery bars to this, game time!
Ice Spice can't finish! The rapper who finishes the fiery bars can't finish the play!
Godzilla charges right into the defender! Turnover! Heavy feet when controlling pace!
Godzilla turns the head and loses the man! This top-tier talent napping defensively!
Sonic the Hedgehog slams the Wilson in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Halftime! Godzilla is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Godzilla started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Nikocado Avocado rushes a finger roll on the low block! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Godzilla is cramping up! This reliable star trying to shake it off! Tendency to rush!
Nikocado Avocado throws it away! A pass worse than a youtuber tossing the algorithm!
Godzilla glares at the scoreboard! This big-name player not happy with the situation!
Ice Spice, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the hardwood. Lessons to take from this one.
Ice Spice closes her eyes walking out. Nikocado Avocado keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-124 (L)
Batman, this tweener, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
Godzilla takes off but overcooks it! Tendency to force bad shots showing up again!
Batman, this solid build, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Sonic the Hedgehog reacts too late to rotate! Shaky emotions under pressure on the help side!
Batman stares in disbelief! The look of a superhero who just lost everything!
Break! Nikocado Avocado rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Little scoop: Nikocado Avocado tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Batman misfires again! Having the game-shaped night!
Batman is spent! Used up like the game after a superhero's long day!
Nikocado Avocado with the backcourt violation! This well-respected player under too much pressure!
Batman lets fly angrily after the turnover! This potential breakout star spiraling!
Batman absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a superhero knows tough days!
Sonic the Hedgehog stares at the floor while Godzilla mutters something inaudible under his breath. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-131 (L)
Nikocado Avocado checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Air ball from Ice Spice! Being a rapper doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This hooper's hooper Ice Spice gets pickpocketed in the paint! Sloppy handling!
Godzilla falls asleep on the weak side! Lack of consistency exposed!
Godzilla gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Batman picks up the pace. Small detail: Batman whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Nikocado Avocado can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the algorithm, a youtuber always hits!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this guy everybody knows, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
Batman loses the rock! A superhero would never be this careless!
Nikocado Avocado, this little guy, shows negative body language! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
This headliner Sonic the Hedgehog leaves the den with head held high. Fought to the end.
Godzilla leaves the court at a jog. Batman stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
76-120 (L)
This player on the come-up Ice Spice comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater at half court!
Nikocado Avocado misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the algorithm!
Nikocado Avocado throws it away! Hot head under pressure from way beyond the arc!
Sonic the Hedgehog gets crossed over! This headliner left frozen from the right corner!
This reliable star Sonic the Hedgehog stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Back to the locker room. Ice Spice punches her locker. Confession: Ice Spice calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Nikocado Avocado forces a reverse layup in transition! This next-level player trying too hard!
Nikocado Avocado powers through! The youtuber in them won't quit on the algorithm!
This top-tier talent Godzilla commits the offensive foul! Turnover from the right corner!
Nikocado Avocado throws their hands up! Like a youtuber when their camera breaks!
Batman sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a superhero after their bare hands broke!
Batman's eyes are glassy. Ice Spice mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I learned that Batman's father was a volunteer firefighter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
Opening possession for Nikocado Avocado! First touch, like first touch of their camera!
Nikocado Avocado misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their camera at the algorithm!
Godzilla, this tweener, commits the travel! Shaky emotions under pressure in the footwork!
Nikocado Avocado loses their assignment! Like losing their camera in the workshop!
Batman slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
Players head to the locker room. Godzilla has tape on three fingers. True story: Godzilla had his parking spot stolen by New York Over-Timers's mascot. Still talks about it. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
This elite player Godzilla short-arms a half-court heave facing the rim! Not enough lift!
Nikocado Avocado bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a youtuber after their camera overtime!
Intercepted! Batman's pass snatched right out of the air! A superhero would never be that careless!
Nikocado Avocado vents at their teammates! The youtuber who vents about the algorithm!
Godzilla takes off to the tunnel in disappointment. This bonafide star will learn from this.
Batman turns back to look at the court one last time. Godzilla doesn't turn around. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
74-119 (L)
Ice Spice takes the court to an electric crowd! The rapper with their hot mic is here!
A half-court heave from Godzilla sails wide! This bonafide star needs to regroup!
Batman, this combo guard, fumbles the entry pass off the pick and roll!
Nikocado Avocado gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a youtuber's worst day on the job!
This established star Sonic the Hedgehog can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Break. Nikocado Avocado collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Anecdote: Nikocado Avocado once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We're back! The players look fired up.
Sonic the Hedgehog, this certified bucket, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!
This name that's buzzing Ice Spice can barely jump! The springs are gone along the baseline!
Godzilla with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Sonic the Hedgehog mutters to himself walking back! This top-tier talent fighting inner demons!
Godzilla had the chances but couldn't convert. This certified bucket left wanting.
Nikocado Avocado's eyes are red, jaw tight. Batman apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
75-119 (L)
Ice Spice comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the rapper means business!
Sonic the Hedgehog clanks another one off the rim! This established star needs to find rhythm!
This All-Star caliber talent Godzilla with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Nikocado Avocado, this compact dynamo, lets the shooter get free facing the rim! Costly lapse!
Ice Spice pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The rapper in them is showing!
Halftime. Nikocado Avocado wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Little scoop: Nikocado Avocado tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
A half-court heave attempt by Sonic the Hedgehog falls short! Sometimes predictable game in the legs!
Ice Spice jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for spitting the fiery bars tomorrow!
Batman with the backcourt violation! A superhero going backwards with the game!
Ice Spice mouths off and picks up a T! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Sonic the Hedgehog reflects on what could have been. Defense that's basically a suggestion difference tonight.
Sonic the Hedgehog chews his nails on the bench. Godzilla stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
78-122 (L)
Nikocado Avocado, this league veteran, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Godzilla, this bonafide star, comes up empty! A buzzer-beater off target under the basket!
Sonic the Hedgehog penetrates into a dead end at the top of the key! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots!
Batman, this all-around player, fouls unnecessarily at half court! Lack of consistency!
This certified bucket Godzilla gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Halftime. The doctor examines Ice Spice's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Confession: Ice Spice calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Godzilla takes a tough sky hook and it doesn't go! Limited stamina in shot selection!
Nikocado Avocado launches a step slower than usual! Tendency to rush in the tank!
This league veteran Nikocado Avocado forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Nikocado Avocado mouths off at late in the quarter! A youtuber venting about the algorithm!
Nikocado Avocado shakes hands through the pain! A youtuber who respects their camera and the game!
Sonic the Hedgehog's gaze is cold, distant. Batman's gaze is hot, angry. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
73-118 (L)
Nikocado Avocado huddles with the team! Huddling up, the youtuber strategizes!
Brick! Batman misfires under the basket! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
Nikocado Avocado with the careless pass! Captivating the algorithm with more care, please!
Sonic the Hedgehog loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!
Nikocado Avocado is visibly upset! Upset as a youtuber when the algorithm goes sideways!
Heading in. Sonic the Hedgehog's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know? Sonic the Hedgehog once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Godzilla, this solid build, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to rush!
This top-tier talent Godzilla calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Tendency to force bad shots taking its toll!
Nikocado Avocado gets the ball stripped! The algorithm would have stayed in a youtuber's grip!
Sonic the Hedgehog, this top-tier talent, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Nikocado Avocado walks off in defeat! Even a youtuber's skills couldn't save tonight!
Sonic the Hedgehog chews his nails on the bench. Ice Spice stares at her shoes like they're the source of the problem. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Batman.
Season journal
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